All language subtitles for Paul.Chowdhry.Live.Innit.2019.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG3_English

[Announcer] 'Ladies and
gentlemen...'

[Drumroll]

'Welcome to this total shithole
in the heart of East London,

'an even bigger shithole.

'Now please welcome to the stage

'the ultimate street fighter,
Mr Paul Chowdhry.'

[Cheering]

[♪ Musical intro]

Assalamu alaikum,
my brothers and sisters.

[Cheering]

Welcome to the conversion.

[Laughter]

That's a lot of smoke
coming out, innit?

When this much smoke follows
an Asian guy with this beard,

white people start
shitting themselves.

"Fucking hell, Dave."

I can't even see anyone.

The thing about this beard,
people think I've been
radicalised.

By the homosexuals.

[Laughter]

Everyone's got a beard
in this front row, innit?

Where's all the white beards?

Dave in the second row
with his beard.

How long did that beard take you
to grow, man?

Two years?

This is like five o'clock shadow
where we come from.

We're Indians,
we're hairy bastards.

Have a look at her.

This hairy fucking fella.

Sorry, him, whatever it is.

You know I'm now the most famous
unfamous person in England?

You know I sold out Wembley
on this tour?

- [Audience] Ooh!
- Yeah, Wembley.

Not the market
where you work, bruv.

[Laughter]

Two apples for a pound!

Proper arena.
I got a new house recently.

My neighbour didn't know
what I do for a living.

"What do you do for a living?"

- "I'm a comedian."
- "Yeah? Go on, then."

"Go on then what?"

"Go on, do a joke."
"I've got to get on the stage."

"Trace, come over here, love.

"We got a new Paki next door
thinks he's funny.

"I think he's an Uber driver.
Bring the kids an' all."

[Laughter]

That's quite a racist joke,
that.

A lot of Asian people
laughing at that. I don't mind.

But I saw some white people
laughing at that joke.

That's called a tester joke.

If I see white people laughing,

they're gonna get fucked up
for two hours.

When my Indian fans find out
I'm a comedian,

they don't care about jokes.

"You're a comedian?
Go on, then."

"Go on then what?"
"How much money you make?"

"What car you drive?
How much your mortgage?"

I'm trying to work out
why there's, like, 15 Bengalis
here

and one white guy
sat right in the middle.

What the fuck?

"I dunno, mate.
I dunno either."

It's like you've been kidnapped.

It's like you're a news reporter
gone to Syria

and you've been kidnapped
by this lot.

It's like a beheading
waiting to happen.

No one gives me trouble with
this beard.
I don't get into fights anymore.

With this look,
this straight-out-of-Syria look.

I got that one-way-ticket look,
innit.

I remember the good old days
when I used to get on the Tube,

I couldn't even get a seat.

With this
I get the whole carriage.

I remember one time
I was on the Tube, right?

I had my iPhone in my pocket.
The cable was flapping about.

So I thought I'd clip the cable
to my shirt and my jacket.

So the cable's flapping about
and shit

so what I did was
I clipped the cable to the
earphones

to my shirt and my T-shirt,
so it's kind of clipped to me
like this.

My iPhone's in this pocket.
Then I took off my earphones

and I put them in this pocket.

All you saw was a cable
coming out of both pockets.

Looked a bit like this.

I had props all over the floor.
That didn't help.

I was prop shopping that day,
innit?

Does this look suspect
to you, Dave?

Every fucker's looking at me.

I mean, what kind of terrorist
listens to Wham on loop?

Wake me up before you blow,
blow.
You know?

I mean, when have you seen
a gay terrorist before?

I'm not gay,
but when have you seen a gay...?

Did you see how it went
really quiet then?

When I say I'm not...
"But, bruv, you best... Fucking
hell, bruv."

"Are you gay, bruv?

"I didn't pay £20 to watch
a fucking gay guy on the stage.

"Qasmay, I didn't fucking wanna
see
a gay guy on the stage."

"It's East London, bruv, innit?"

[Laughter]

"What about the terrorist part?"
"We're all fucking terrorists.

"Don't worry about that bit,
innit?"

But statistically there's gotta
be
gay terrorists out there.

Think about it: loads of dudes
hanging about with each other

in caves and shit.

There's never any women
hanging around 'em.

Fucking all dudes.

One of them's bound
to be thinking about it, innit?

There's gotta be LGBT terrorists
out there, innit?

LGBTQRSTUV terrorists
out there, innit?

They don't discriminate
when it comes to the victims

so they shouldn't discriminate
when it comes to the recruitment
policy.

One of them's bound to be
thinking
about going to one of the other
terrorists

and just...

...smacking it in there, innit?

Statistically, though, innit?

One of them's bound to be
thinking
about going to another terrorist
and...

you know, just...

...lifting up that kurta pajama.

Do you know
what kurta pajama is, Dave?

You know? That's what they wear.
A long pajama.

A kurta on top of the pajama.

Just lifting up that kurta
pajama.

[Speaks Punjabi]

See, the white people don't even
know
what I said when I said that.

But you know what I mean when I
say...
[Continues in Punjabi]

That's my opening joke
I've just written for Saudi
Arabia.

The Sultan of Brunei
is gonna love that bit.

Just before they stone the gays,
I come out...

[Speaks Punjabi]

It's proper homophobic.
You guys would be fucked in
Saudi.

You guys can't use Grindr out
there.

You can but it's different.

Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead,
dead.

Kuffar. Stone him. Dead.

Look at this...
Get a shot of this wanker.

He's got his iPhone out.

"Yeah."

We've got a £1 million crew here

and this fucking Bengali's
got his iPhone out.

Where the fuck
you gonna sell your DVD to?

- I'll send you the invoice.
- Send me the invoice?

Yeah, send me the invoice.
I'll turn up at your house,

lift up your kurta pajama.

[Speaks Punjabi]

Fucking prick.

Send me the invoice.

This Bengali's gonna be selling
that
down Brick Lane, innit?

Qasmay, I got
the Paul Chowdhry DVD, innit?

"It's not even out yet."
"I recorded it, bruv.

"On my iPhone 2."

Get a haircut as well
when you come back to my show.

Your head looks like a phudi.

Leave that fucker in the edit.

You're a dead man
when this is released.

You're gonna have to delete your
life
when this is released, man.

I remember when Westminster
Bridge
happened in London.

And the atrocities were awful.

The guy responsible,
I wanna name him correctly

because I'm not a racist, yeah?

His name was...
[Makes guttural sounds]

...Khalid.

Not Khalid
as you white people pronounce
it.

[Makes guttural sound]

Khalid.

Try it, Trace...
[Makes guttural sound]

Dave's like,
"Don't fucking do it, love.

"It's a trap. You're gonna
get us killed, you slag.

"Laugh at the jokes
and we'll fuck off in a minute.

"Fucking shitting meself, love."

Khalid...

[Laughter]

...Masood.

You know what his real name was?

Adrian Russell.

He was a Muslim convert.

He wasn't even a real Muslim.
No wonder he changed his name.

You can't turn up at an ISIS
meeting
with that. Adrian.

"What's your name?"
"Adrian Russell."

"You're not on the guest list."

[Makes guttural sounds]

"Front of the queue for you."

My name's Chowdhry.

Everyone thinks I'm Bengali.
You know that?

We got any Chowdhrys in tonight?

[Man] Hey!

Just on his own. "Hey!"

[Laughter]

What's your name, man?

[Man] Chowdhry.

[Laughter and applause]

Didn't even have to think
about that, innit?

"It's Chowdhry, innit?"

What's your first name, man?

- [Man] I don't wanna say it.
- You don't have one?

Mr Chowdhry Chowdhry?

What's your first name, man?

- Eh?
- Jamil.

- Eh?
- [Man #2] It's Jamil.

[Man #3] Jamil.
[Man #4] Jamil.

How the fuck you got
so many first names?

[Laughter]

"Jamil Jamil Jamil Jamil

"Jamil Jamil Jamil Jamil Jamil."

Are you in a cave or something
with an echo?

[Laughter]

This terrorist has turned up
with his own cave tonight.

My full name's actually

Taj Paul Asingha Chowdhry.

What are you laughing at, man?

"Does that come with rice?"
"No, it's a dhal."

You racist bastard.

"I had that with poppadoms
yesterday, son."

My name don't help, man.

People used to say,
"You been on TV, have you,
Paul?"

"I've been on a couple of
things."
"What, Crimewatch?"

Now, that used to be funny,
right?

Until I ended up on Crimewatch.

Some of you might know about
this.

I was in hiding for a long time.

I ended up in all the newspapers
up and down the country. True
story.

I wanna read out the article
that made all the headlines.

"Crimewatch viewers think
RAF Marham kidnap suspect
mugshot

"looks like comedian
Paul Chowdhry

"and he's not happy."

Then they put an advert under it
for the film Jungle Book.

[Laughter]

Just to add to the racism.

As you can see, there's a
picture
of a monkey next to the J.

Or is that Jamil?

[Laughter]

Same initial, innit?

I was really pissed off about
this.

I said to all my mates,
"This is bad for my career,
man."

My mates went, "Don't worry
about it.
All publicity is good
publicity."

No, it's not.

There are two things
you don't wanna look like in
this world.

One's a terrorist
and the other one's a
paedophile.

What would you rather
look like, Dave?

Let me help you out, mate.

You don't look like a terrorist.

Stand up for a second.

Stand up.

Stand up, kuffar.

He looks like
he should be on a register.

The head of a grooming gang.

Let me read out
what these bastards said under
this.

"An exasperated comedian
has taken to Twitter..."

in their words
"...after being bombarded..."

That's proper racist, innit?

"...bombarded by people who
think
he looks like a Crimewatch
mugshot.

"The comedian posted:

"'Can you bloody bastards...
stop messaging me about
Crimewatch?

"'The bastard looks nothing like
me.'"

Now, that was my official
statement
to the media.

You gotta be professional,
innit?

Then I went to the next page
of this Daily Mirror article.

What the Daily Mirror then
posted
is this picture...

[Laughter]

...of the terrorist
next to a picture of my fat
face.

The problem is,
the terrorist looks exactly like
me.

Couldn't even go out that week.
I couldn't go to Sainsbury's.

I had to go to Lidl.

[Laughter]

With the rest of the suspects.

I've been doing comedy 20 years.
Two DVDs. I've sold out Wembley.

If you google Paul and Chowdhry,

that's the first thing that
comes up.

People, all the fans got
involved.

The fans were tweeting
and everything.

"His followers on Twitter
were predictably unsympathetic.

"Chandan Matharu quipped,

"'Nothing like you, Paul.
You don't have a timer on your
head.'"

[Laughter]

What a wanker.

"The suspects, both described
as Middle Eastern..."

What do you mean
"both" described?

That means two people, both.

There's only one human being
in this picture.

The other picture's a fucking
cartoon.

"...remain at large
and their vehicle has not been
located."

Last line of the article:

"Paul Chowdhry's DVD
is on Amazon."

[Laughter]

Who the fuck's gonna buy my DVD
after this shit comes out?

Now I'm gonna have to go back
to performing to grooming gangs.

I get asked my opinion all the
time
on current affairs, you know.

I remember my agent called me
up,
"Hi, Paul. Really excited.

"Newsnight have called up
from the BBC

"and they wanna talk to you
about what it's like being a
Muslim."

"Yeah, I can talk
about what it's like being a
Muslim.

"But I'm not Muslim."

"But they want to talk about
what it's like
growing up being a Muslim."

"But then I didn't grow up
being a Muslim, innit?"

"But they wanna talk about being
Muslim
and running round Muslim

"in the Muslim Muslim."

"Why not find a real Muslim?"

"No, they wanna talk to you
about
being Muslim in the Muslim
Muslim."

[Laughter]

"What are you asking me for,
you racist bastards?"

"Don't worry. They'll find
someone else.
It's only £1,000."

"What?"

I said, "You know what, mate?

"Assalamu alaikum,
my brothers and sisters."

[Laughter and applause]

"Inshallah."

I'm Muslim for the money, mate.

I'm all about the profit.

[Laughter]

For those who don't know about
this,

it's dangerous
doing these kinds of jokes.

I get death threats
on a daily basis.

From Zayn Malik's family.

[Laughter]

Do you all know the back story
here?

All right, Zayn Malik was in a
group
called One Direction, right?

And I made some videos about him
on my YouTube account.

And people were like,
"What are you cussing Zayn for?

"What are you doing that for?"

There's always a reason
behind my jokes.

Right? And the reason being,
I met Zayn Malik once

at an awards ceremony in London

and I thought, "You know what?
I'm gonna get a selfie with
him."

Because that's what
this job's all about now,

about likes online.

Not about real people sat in a
theatre
watching real comedy.

It's about bullshit likes
that give people mental health
issues.

That's what it's about, innit?

Liking things on Instagram.
I hate Instagram.

I look at Instagram, right,

and then I close Instagram.

A minute later I open up
Instagram,

forgetting I just looked at
Instagram.

It's like a fridge.

Anyway, so I met Zayn Malik.

I thought I'd get a picture with
him,
like a selfie. And I saw him.

He was walking past me.
I said, "Hey, Zayn.

"I'm a big fan of your work,
man."
I wasn't a big fan.

I just thought I'd say that
shit.

I put my hand out
to shake his hand, right?

As soon as I did that,
he completely blanked me.

And he ran off
and two of his security guards
came up.

"Don't touch him, man.
Do not touch him."

And they pinned me
up against the wall and he ran
away

like a little pussy cat.

[Laughter]

I remember when he ran away,
I thought to myself,

"You're fucking dead, man."

"You just fucked yourself up,
bruv."

I went home. I logged on
to my YouTube account.

I ripped him, his mum, his dad.

I wiped out his whole family.

He was better off
dealing with ISIS than dealing
with me.

I even spoke about his
girlfriend,
the supermodel Gigi.

Gigi.

Is that how you pronounce it?
Gigi?

Geegee?

Geegee?

Or Giggy?

Apparently it's Jayjay.

But spelt Gigi.

Is that a name these days?

Gigi?

Or Geegee.

When I were growing up,
geegee was something you
contracted.

"Get some cream
and rub it on my geegee."

[Laughter]

Gigi.

And Gigi, turns out
her surname is Hadid.

Hadid is actually a Muslim
surname.

And then I did some Google image
searches into this girl Gigi
Hadid.

I want all the Muslim people in
here
to cover their ears.

Because what I saw next
was very, very offensive.

In these pictures
I could see her arms...

[Laughter]

I could see her legs.

I even saw this kuffar's neck.

Something had to be done
to protect my Muslim peoples.

I stepped up to the plate.

Some of it was in Punjabi,
right?

I'm like... [speaks Punjabi]

In English that means,
"Is her dad called Mohamed?"

And people wanted to kill me
on the streets because of that
line.

People were coming up to me,
"There's that fucking comedian,
innit?

"Let's go jack him, bruv.

"Bruv, hey, come here, man.

"Why the fuck, yeah,

"did you use the word Mohamed
in your fucking wideos?"

[Laughter]

"What?"

"Why the fuck, yeah,
did you use the word Mohamed

"in your fucking wideos?"

"Sorry, in my... in my what?"

"Your fucking wideos, you
pussyhole!

"Are you gay, bruv?"

"Sorry, what?

"What does gay have
to do with anything?"

"Let's go to Shisha Land
and chat about this, man.

"You're definitely gay, innit?"

"Gay? You think I'm gay,

"but you want me to go to a
Shisha Land
with you and the boys

"while we all sit around a table
sucking off the same pipe?

"And I'm the gay one?"

He goes, "Don't use the word
Mohamed
in your fucking wideos."

Let me clear this up for you,
Hackney.

The reason I used
the word Mohamed in those videos

is because that was her dad's
name!

"Nah, man, you only cussing
Muslim peoples, innit?"

I love Muslim peoples.
They come to my shows.

[Scant cheering]

Not tonight, but generally a lot
of...

[Laughter]

All the Muslims...

"He hasn't cussed me.
Let's go home."

I love Musalman peoples.

Where's all the Musalmans
tonight?

[Cheering]

You know what a Musalman is,
don't you, Dave?

"I ain't got a fucking clue,
mate."

That's what we call Muslim
people,
"Musalman."

Not someone that's got out the
gym.

That's a muscleman.

These are Musalmans.

He goes, "Nah, man,
you only cussing Muslim peoples,
innit?

"You don't cuss,
like, Hindu people, innit?"

Did you see the amount of jokes
I used to do about Gujarati
people?

Back in the day, I did loads of
jokes
about Guju people and Hindus.

Have we got
any Gujarati people in tonight?

- [Cheering]
- There's loads of them, look.

There's Gaipesh, Tamlesh,
Mintesh, Rintesh...

[Laughter]

Chitesh, Tantesh, Mantesh,
Fattesh...

Mantesh, Shantesh, Rantesh,
Shitesh...

Potesh, Tattesh...

Mikesh, Stagesh, Lightesh.

[Laughter]

Standesh, Screenesh.

Bagesh, Fuckesh, Seatesh,

Trouseresh, Shirtesh.

And that's my sister Priya.

He goes, "Nah, man. All right,
you make fun of Hindu people.

"But you never make fun
of your own people, innit?"

"That's the thing about you,
man.

"You don't make fun
of, like, Sikh peoples, innit?"

[Cheering]

Have we got
any Sikh people in tonight?

- [Cheering]
- Yeah? There we go.

Now, they're all bastards too.

[Laughter]

I'm an equal opportunities
offender.

I hate all people equally.

Look, there's Balinder,
Satinder, Malinder.

Davinder, Makinder, Chitinder.

And that's my sister Kiran.

What's your name, guys?

No, the Sikh guy behind you,
pehnchoda.

"Who, me? Who, me?"

The one with the pug on and no
dari.

You got a turban but no beard.
Is that a fashion statement?

Where's your beard, man?
Did you take it off this
afternoon?

[Indistinct]

It's grey?

You're old? Fuck that, man.
You should have a long, grey
dari.

You kuffar.

[Laughter]

- What's your name, man?
- [Indistinct]

Iqbal?

[Laughter]

Iqbal?

Iq-bal.

Do you know what that means
in English, Dave?

One bollock.

"I've only got one ball."

"Why have you got no beard?"
"Look, one ball."

Iqbal.

Iq-bal.

I've done jokes
about loads of my Sikh friends.

One of my Sikh friends,
his name is Satnav.

I said, "If you ever get lost,
call up my mate Satnav.

"He'll call Uncle TomTom
and give you directions."

And then I got messages from
Sikh people: "Why the fuck,
yeah,

"did you use the word Satnav
in your fucking wideos?"

"You never cuss white people.
You cuss your own people.

"You don't cuss white...
You are scared of white people."

What are you chatting about?
My first DVD in 2012 was called

"What's Happening White People?"

[One person clapping]

One person saw that.

[Applause]

"Anybody else see it?
No, just me."

White people would give me shit
about that all the time

when I used to say that.

People used to come up:
"It's bollocks.

"How come you can call a show
'What's Happening White People'

"and I can't call a show
'What's Happening Black
Bastards?'"

[Laughter]

Not exactly the same, Dave.

"You're racist, you are, mate!"
"How?"

"How come it's all right
for you to go up on stage,
right,

"and do my accent
and I'm not allowed to do your
accent?"

"You are allowed to do my
accent."

"No, how come it's all right
for you to go up on stage,
right,

"and do my accent,
and it's racist

"if I go up on stage
and do a bad-bad ding-ding
accent."

"A what?

"Say that again, mate."

"Do a bad-bad ding-ding
poppadom butter-chicken accent."

I ain't got a bad-bad...

ding-ding

poppadom butter-chicken accent.

I'm from Edgware.

Hang on,
let's rewind that for a second.

Bad-bad ding-ding.

What you laughing at, Dave?

Where did this shit come from?

"That weren't me, that was me
dad."

[Laughter]

Bad-bad ding-ding.

Apparently it came from the
buses.

A lot of Indian people and
Muslim people
came to this country in the '60s
and '70s

and they used to work
on London Transport, right.

And my dad was a bus conductor.
I used to sit on the buses with
him.

Never once did he say,
"Bad-bad ding-ding."

I've never in my life...

I've been around a lot of Indian
people,
Bengalis, Musalmans,

Sikhs, transgender Bengalis,
everything.

Correct me if I'm wrong

but I have never seen one Indian
person
walk up to another Indian person

in my life

saying...

"Bad-bad...

"...ding-ding.

"Fucking hell, bad-bad."

"Pehnchoda, ding-ding."

"Bad-bad ding-ding."

My family came to this country
in 1910.

Great Auntie Ding-Ding,
Uncle Bad-Bad.

They never said this shit.

I used to get
all different types of groups

who deal with these kind of
issues
when I was growing up.

I grew up around
a lot of Chinese people, right?

Because I used to play
Street Fighter II a lot.

[Laughter]

Me and my friends
used to hear "ching-chong".

That's proper racist, innit?

I've never once in my life
seen one Chinese person

walk up to another Chinese
person,

in my life...

I ain't gonna do it.

Because it's racist.

And Chinese people
don't like lacism.

[Laughter]

They'll come up to me after the
show.
"Hm, your jokes? Not funny."

[Laughter]

"We don't do that."

"Sagat's Tiger Uppercut."

"Hadoken."

"You lose. Perfect."

"It's bollocks, man.
Talk about something else.

"You've only got one joke,
mate."

All right. I love women.
Where's all the women tonight?

- [Cheering]
- That's more like it.

But I'll get shit for that
afterwards.

"That was really sexist
when you said you love all
women.

"What you did there is
you put all women into one
category

"and there are different types
of people.

"There are straight women, gay
women,
non-binary women, transgender
women,

"there are transgender Bengalis,
and what you've done...

"What you did
was really, really sexist."

How can I be a sexist
when I'm a feminist?

So I said, "Look, bitch,
these are jokes."

That's the problem with me.

I focus on all the negative
feedback I get.

I should concentrate
on all the love I get from you
fans.

I get so much love
from you fans on social media.

[Cheering]

In fact, I want to read out

some of the social-media
feedback
I get from you guys

on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram.

"I've been waiting a long time
for this.

"@paulchowdhry is going back on
tour.

"He is my..."

[Laughter]

What kind of bastard
can't spell "favourite" right?

Oh, it's that bastard.

Here's another one I got
under one of my YouTube videos.

You know, I post YouTube videos
and I get comments underneath
them.

I can't name her for legal
reasons

so let's just call her Tracey.

Tracey sends me a comment
that says, "Mohamhad..."

Mohamhad?

[Laughter]

You do not put ham
in the middle of that name.

[Laughter]

"Mohamhad, go eff your children,
your four wives.

"Kill your sisters.
Muslims are not funny.

"Period."

Period? That explains quite a
lot.

Should have said that
at the beginning of the
sentence.

I wouldn't have read
any further, innit?

"Oh, send me to the back
of your temple of mosque."

What's a temple of mosque?

That's two separate
establishments.

What's that,
the new Indiana Jones film?

[Laughter]

Indiana Jones
and the Temple of Mosque?

An imam runs out of a mosque
with a big rock chasing him.

[Speaks Punjabi]

I'm not gonna read out the rest.
That's the problem with the
Internet.

People can be racist, sexist,
homophobic, Islamophobic,

transgenderphobic.

I don't take that shit.

I rip 'em a new arsehole, innit?

Here's another one
under one of my YouTube videos.

"Fucking, filthy, disgusting,
vile,

"dirty, embarrassing,
wannabe white man.

"You coconut,

"dark from the outside...

[Laughter]

"...dark from the outside,
wannabe white from the inside."

He had to explain
what a coconut was.

"The white man will never accept
you.

"You look Indian and fucked up
too."

Not only do I look Indian,
I'm fucked up

on top of looking Indian.

"Indian and fucked up too."

Here's another one I got
from one of my fans.

"I used to have a problem
getting girls,

"but thanks to you,
I grew my beard and moustache

"and copied your jokes.

"Now I'm a registered sex
offender...

[Laughter]

"...on the terrorist watch
list."

People say, "Paul, why don't you
read out the positive messages?

"You only concentrate
on the negativity."

And I don't find it as funny
but when I perform to a live
audience,

it gives me that opportunity
to thank you all for messages
like this.

When I get "@paulchowdhry
Keep up the good work",

it gives me a chance
to thank each and every one of
you

for all the good feedback
you give me.

So, thanks, guys,
for all these types of messages.

[Cheering]

[Laughter]

Why have you stopped clapping?
I wanna thank all of you

for funding our organisation.

Jamil, give out the badges, man.

Start phoning on your iPhone
now.

A message from my brother
underneath,
Osama Bin Dead Laden.

[Laughter]

People say,
"Paul, you should be careful,
man."

"Why you making fun of people
online?
They could have mental health
issues."

And I say, "You know what?
I don't give a shit."

[Laughter]

Mental health is massive
at the moment, innit?

Do you remember
when people were sad?

No one's sad anymore.
You gotta be happy or depressed.

"I'm really, really depressed."

"You might be sad."
"No, no, fucking depressed."

[Laughter]

Have we got any doctors in
tonight?

- [Audience member] Yes.
- Yeah? Whereabouts? You?

You're a doctor.

What fucking kind of doctor are
you?

"I got a headache, doctor."
"OK, take down your kuchi."

If I walked in and I saw you
sat there with your lun out...

It's all right, mate. Fuck it.

- What's your name, man?
- Mohamed.

Dr Mohamed?

How many white patients
have you got?

One.

[Laughter]

Just this guy?
He looks like he's been sedated.

He's not even here of his own
will.

- What kind of doctor are you?
- Cardiologist.

Cardiologist?
What the fuck does that mean?

Hearts.

Cocks?

You're a lun doctor?

I didn't know cardiologist was
cocks.

- "What kind of doctor?"
- "Cocks."

- "I got a headache."
- "Let me just check it for
you."

"Better? Better? Better?"

"Aa-aah!"
"Better."

Depression isn't a thing
amongst the Asian community.

Depression is like a white
thing, innit?

Only white people suffer from
it.

If someone's got depression
within the Indian community,

we just get rid of them.

"That one's broken. Fuck off.

"Depression? Just fucking lazy.
Fuck off!"

Because we should talk more
about mental health issues.

You know six times as many men
kill themselves compared to
women?

And let's not be sexist about
this.

It's not because
a woman can't tie a noose.

It's not because you can't wire
a plug.

It's because women are much
better
about talking about issues.

Men keep it pent up.
They won't speak to anyone.

Women will. You know?
She's got depression,

she'll be on the phone to her
friends
for hours and hours and hours

and hours and hours and hours,

weeks, months, years
and hours and hours...

He's killed himself.

...and hours and hours

and hours...
They find his body four weeks
later.

...and hours and hours.
The police turn up. "What
happened?"

"I'm on the fucking phone.

"You've always gotta ruin it,
ain't ya?"

It's very important to talk
about mental health, you know.

We're all in this together.

I remember when Prince William
and
Harry spoke about the loss of
their mum.

They suffer from depression.
Arguably that's their
bereavement.

Now, I lost my mum
when I was four years old,
right?

And if I can say that
openly in a room

and help anyone
that's been through similar
situations,

we can make the world
a better place, innit?

I commended the princes
for saying that openly,

and they taught me that if I
ever drive
around Paris with a Muslim,

get fully comprehensive car
insurance.

I was watching
the Madeleine McCann
documentary.

[Audience groans]

[Laughter]

Don't tell us the end.
Don't tell us where they find
her.

No spoilers tonight.

Are we still looking
for Madeleine McCann?

We shouldn't be moaning.
This is costing us taxpayers
money.

Every room we go into,
we should be,

"Is there
a Madeleine McCann in tonight?"

I do it when I go shopping.

"Is there a Madeleine McCann in
here?

"No?"

I've been banned from
Sainsbury's.

[Laughter]

Madeleine McCann was abducted
about 15 years ago in Portugal,
right?

And it must be bad
for her parents, innit?

It must be bad.
I know that feeling.

I lost my iPhone once.

[Laughter]

You know that sinking feeling
you get in your stomach?

"Where the fuck is my phone,
man?

"Where's my phone?
Have you...?

"Phone my phone, man."

"Fucking phone my...
I've lost my phone.

"If they find that phone,
I'm fucked.

"Phone it up."

The phone starts ringing.
"Hello? Who's that?"

"Madeleine McCann."

"Who fucking gave you my phone?
We've been looking for you."

You know, we should be able
to back up kids onto the cloud.

The amount of kids that go
missing,

you should be able to back up
kids
onto the cloud, innit?

Obviously you can't back a kid
up
onto the cloud

because then Michael will start
playing with them.

I didn't even say Jackson
in that sentence

and everyone knew what I meant

when I said Michael.

Any Michael Jackson fans here
tonight?

[Audience members] Yes!

I was a huge Michael Jackson fan

and then I saw that documentary,
and I was pretty disturbed.

Michael Jackson.
People go,

"You don't get it, Paul.
Michael got beaten up by his
dad."

So did a lot of other people.

Anyone else in this room
get beaten up by their dad?

- [Audience members] Yes!
- Yeah?

Everyone looks at the Indian
people.

Dave and Trace are like,

"Nah, mate. Fucking hell.
I'd have knocked him out, the
slag."

"If my dad put his fingers up,
I would have smacked the cunt."

We can't knock our dads out,
Dave.

Michael got the good beatings
as well, innit?

The beating so bad he turned
white.
The real beatings.

Michael had a certain type of
kid
he was hanging out with as well,
innit?

Like, little white boys.

Little cute little...

[Squeaks]

Never Muslim boys or Indian
boys.

Always little white boys, innit?

Doing the dancing and...

[Squeaks]

[Laughter]

Now, this is gonna sound racist,
right?

[Laughter]

But white people need to hang on
to their kids for a little bit
longer.

You give away your kids
way too quickly.

Michael was like,
"I love your kid.

"I love your kid.

"Really cute, your kid.

"Can I play with your kid?"

"Can I?"

White people are like,
"Fucking have him, mate.

"Fucking have him, you slag.

"When do you want him?"
"Keep him, you wanker!"

"Give him back
whenever you've finished with
him."

You never saw him hanging around
with any little Indian boys,
innit?

We would never have been allowed
to hang out with Michael.

No Asian family
would have given away their kid

to Michael Jackson
for a couple of years,
unattended.

"Dad, I wanna go
Michael Jackson house."

[Laughter]

"What did you say?"

"I wanna go
Michael Jackson house."

"Who house?"

"Michael Jackson house."

"You're never going Neverland,
pehnchoda.

"It's called Neverland
because you're never fucking
going."

[Applause]

"Straight back home, pehnchoda."

- "He's got a funfair."
- "We got a garden."

"I buy new swing, pehnchoda.

"Fucking Michael Jackson."

[Laughter]

"That's really out of order,
Paul.
Michael's not here to defend
himself.

"He's not here, is he?

"You're making fun of him
and he's not here."

What was he gonna say
if he was here to defend
himself?

"I didn't do it."

"I never touched those kids."

"That's out of order, Paul.
That is really out of order.

"That's way below the belt,
innit?

"Michael, he was like a boy
trapped inside a man's body."

I think you've got that
the wrong way round, man.

"Michael didn't have
a bad bone in his body."

He had a bad bone in the kid's
body,
that's what he had.

That voice as well.

[Mimics voice] "I love kids."

No one in this room
could ever sleep in a bed

with a kid that ain't related to
him.

He goes, "What's wrong
with sharing your bed

"with a kid?"

What's with that voice?
He was a 50-year-old man.

"Love kids."

That's how he got away with it,
pretending he was like a child.

"Love kids."

No one else could
have got away with that.

If I walk out of this show
tonight, right,
and some guy comes up to me,

"I love sleeping in the bed

"with the kid",

I'd say, "Get the fuck out of
here,
you nonce.

"Hey, let's kick his head in."

He'd never have got away with it
with my voice.

[Gruffly] Fucking love kids,
mate.

Fucking love children.

[Squeaks]

Look, I love Michael Jackson
music
but I had to stop listening to
it.

If I have to, I listen
to The Jackson 5 era.

You know, the days
when I could have touched him.

It's not paedophilia
if you're abusing a paedophile.

That's the rules, innit, Dave?

You know who I feel sorry for?
The Michael Jackson
impersonators.

What are they gonna do now?

They can't do children's parties
anymore, innit?

♪ You're not alone

"That's cos you're in bed with
me.

"Get the fuck out the bed.
I'm a four-year-old boy."

That all sounds
very different now, innit?

Guess who wrote that song?
R. Kelly.

That's like getting Jimmy Savile
and
Rolf Harris to record a track
together.

[Mimics didgeridoo]

♪ Now, then, now, then

♪ Now, then, now, then
Now, then, now, then

[Mimics didgeridoo]

♪ Now, then, now, then...
The remix.

♪ Now, then, now, then
[Mimics didgeridoo]

It's like the paedo playlist,
innit?

I ain't got any kids, though.

I'm not even married.
Do you know that?

I'm 44 years old
and I'm not married.

And I'm Indian.

That's probably the most
controversial
thing I've said all night.

[Laughter]

The looks on the Indians' faces.
"Fucking disgusting."

[Laughter]

"Not married? Fucking hell."

It's like a qualification
in this community, innit?

You know when you're not
married?
You're dead to the community.

In fact, I've got cousins
that have come out of prison.

"Don't worry, come home.
He's not married. Fuck off!

"Like shit on my shoe,
pehnchoda."

I went out with white women
when I was growing up

and it was very controversial.

Nowadays no one cares
about mixed relationships
anymore.

But in the olden days
it was tougher.

My sister ended up
with a white guy in the 1980s.

That was when
it was really controversial.

We don't talk to her anymore.
That's not the point.

I don't even know what she looks
like,
but that's not the point.

Because what happened is,
a lot of Indian people

and Muslim and Asian people,

when they can't find someone
in this country

they get taken back home
to find someone.

Not Birmingham or Leicester.

[Laughter]

Proper back home.

True story. My brother got taken
to India
to get married. I remember this.

My dad took my brother to India
on a Monday.

He met this girl on a Tuesday.

[Laughter]

He took her for a drink
on Wednesday.

Then he got married
on a Thursday, Friday, Saturday,

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday,

Friday, Saturday, Sunday,
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday,

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
That's a long wedding, innit?

You know most Indian weddings
last longer than English
marriages?

[Laughter]

A lot of Indian people
and a lot of Muslim and Asian
people,

we have to marry within the same
religious groups as each other.

And that saves a lot of the
Asian guys.

If you look at some
of these Indian women here
tonight,

some beautiful women...

[Man] Whey-hey!

[Laughter]

...with deep voices.

[Laughter]

You look at the Indian women,
there's some beautiful Indian
women.

Apart from that fucked-up
animal.

[Laughter]

Some beautiful Indian women,

and they have to marry
within the same religious
groups.

And then you look
at the bloke with them:

fucked up!

[Laughter]

Some gorilla turns up
from Planet of the Apes.

[Makes gorilla noises]

He's in tonight.

The thing is, Indian people
don't have
that birds and the bees chat.

Our parents never sat us down.

Indian people, Muslims,

did your parents ever sit you
down
and have the birds and the bees
chat?

This guy actually examines dicks

and he's never had the birds...

[Laughter]

He had to learn it at
university.

Your dad never sat you down,
innit?
Our dads never sat us down.

"Son, when you get older,
let me show you what you have to
do."

We never had
that birds and the bees chat.

White people sit their kids down

and talk to them
about these kinds of things in
life.

"Son, when you get older,
fucking get in there, you little
slag.

"When I met your mum,
fucking all day long I was."

"I'm only six, Dad."

"When I were six,
I was a granddad, you little
slag.

"Hurry up, you wanker."

I feel sorry for people,
especially the women out there

that have got to endure
this kind of behaviour from men.

This is how people meet these
days.

Someone's face comes up
on your phone

and you swipe their faces.

You know, like Musimatch and...

...Halal.com, whatever.

This is romance in 2019.

Someone's face comes up
on your phone.

You don't know anything
about this person as a human
being.

You swipe.

How have we got to this
in human civilisation?

When someone's face comes up
and you find them repulsive,

"Get the fuck out of my phone!"

[Laughter]

[Speaks Punjabi]

That's why it don't work. Women
think
about who they're gonna date.

Men don't give a shit.

Women are like,
"Er, no, no, no, no, no.

"Hm? No."

[Laughter]

Yous are like,
"Yes, yes, yes, yes.

"That's all of them, innit?"

"That's not even got a picture."
"Fucking yes, bruv."

"That's a monkey banging a
gorilla."
"Fucking yes, bruv."

"That's R. Kelly
and Michael Jackson."

"Fucking yes, bruv, innit?"

I've had a couple of dates
off these sites.

A lot of people have got filters
on their faces.

You don't know
what people look like in real
life.

You turn up and...
"Who the fuck are you?"

- [Laughter]
- "I'm here for the date."

"Nah, mate. That's...

[Laughter]

"Where's your dog filter?"

[Laughter]

"Where's the tongue
and the dog ears and shit?"

I've been catfished.

By a dogfish.

They lie. People lie online.

Sometimes they're in a picture
with their friend,

and you're like, "Which one
am I trying to chat to right
here?"

I went on a date once
and the wrong one turned up.

The busted one.

I'm like, "Who's that?"
"Oh, that's my best friend."

"Well, you better phone that
bastard.

"You better pay for this Uber."

I feel sorry for the women out
there,
you know?

Because men these days,
they're pretty, like...

When a man asks a woman
to send him a picture online,

don't send it.

"Send me a picture, innit?"

"Of what?"

"You fucking know
what I'm chatting about."

"No."

"Send me a picture
of your tit hanging out."

[Laughter]

Then she's actually gotta go,
"All right."

[Laughter]

You know, it's a thing at the
moment
where people send lun pictures.

Do you know what you look like
when you take that? Look at
yourself.

Unsolicited. That should be
illegal.

If you send a picture like that
to a woman without her asking,

you should be put in prison.
No one can do that in real life.

"What do you do?" "I'm in
banking.
I'm an accountant, innit?"

"What are you doing?"
"Nothing. I just got it out."

Almost hit my own lun there.

[Laughter]

That's a bit embarrassing,
innit?

Smacked my own lun
with a fake lun.

Two dicks touching.
You guys know what I'm chatting
about.

People send these pictures
in real life, man. I feel
sorry...

Has any woman ever got
one of those pictures and
thought,

"That's the one for me,"

"I've found the one"?

White people can get away with
that.

Indians and Muslims, they even
receive
a dick pic, they'll get killed.

Some of these Indian women,
if they receive one,

Musalman women...

White people would be like,
"Mum, I got a dick pic."

"Let's have a look, love.

"It's lovely, innit?

"Show Dad.
Dad, have a look at that.

"She's got a date tomorrow."

If she even received...
Your dad would have killed you.

"Who fuck...?
Dick pic, pehnchoda?

"Who fucking sent you this dick
pic?

"We'll find the bastard, kunjar
soor!"

"Who fucking sent
this dick pic bastard?

"Not even halal!"

[Laughter]

My point is, it doesn't matter.

I get a lot of complaints
from certain critics in this
industry.

I don't know
if you know about this,

but the biggest newspaper
in England turned up to my last
tour

and they called me a xenophobe.

You've seen my show.
I don't even play an instrument.

[Laughter]

It doesn't matter
what race, sexuality, gender,

transgender Bengalis,
don't matter,

we should laugh
at each other's differences

and share each other's
experiences
because we're all one family.

[Applause]

We live in 2019 now
where racism has come back
hardcore.

Any airport you land at in the
world,
you got immigrants working at
airports.

That's the No.1 job for
immigration.

You land at London Heathrow
airport, you got Indians working
there.

Indians popping down from India
think they haven't even left
yet.

[Laughter]

"We just flied 360 degrees.

"We are still here, pehnchoda."

This is gonna sound racist,
right?

[Laughter]

But when I travel,
I only travel with white people.

You know? If I travel,

I'm only travelling with Bungle,
George and Geoffrey over here.

Rod, Jane and Freddy.

I ain't travelling with you lot.

We ain't getting in anywhere.

I remember last time
I tried to get into America.

With this look,
it ain't gonna work.

I went with my mate and I said,
"How are we gonna get in?"

And he said, "Don't worry about
it, Paul.
Copy me. We'll both get in."

- "How's that?"
- "Just say what I say. Just
copy me."

When we get
to the immigration desk, they
say,

"So, what do you do for a
living?"

Dave goes, "I work in
recruitment."

"Go right through."

[Laughter]

"I can't say I work in
recruitment,
you dumb bastard.

"Who am I recruiting?"

He gets in.
I get to, "What's your name?"

"Paul Chowdhry."
"What do you do?"

"I'm a comedian."
"Oh. We'd better google you."

"Don't google me, man."

[Laughter]

"Don't google me, man.
Don't google me."

And then this shit came up.

[Laughter]

I was on the next flight back to
Syria.

That's my time.
You've been a great crowd.

Thanks for coming out tonight.
Thanks a lot, guys.