Original subtitles

(CAR ENGINE WHIRRING)

(CAR ENGINE REVVING UP)

(WIND WHISTLING)

(CAR HORN)

(EKG BEEPING)

(BUBBLING)

(BUZZING)

No! DefiniteIy no smoking.

Well, now, aren't we all disappointed?

MarveIous, the doctor said. BIoody amazing, for a man of my age.

You're 65 years oId, Abe.

No matter how carefuI we are,

death duties couId account for a high percentage of your assets.

So you're all agreed for once, are you? I'm to become a public company.

We must re-open negotiations with Hethersett Mills immediateIy.

Hethersett wears a trust beIt.

At the moment, Hethersett yieIds six pounds one shilling.

The dividend twice covered.

Young man, whllst you were stllI taking suck,

- I was out there up to my ass in wooI. - I was a bottIe-baby, sir.

Abe, in a merger with Hethersett you'd be chairman of the Board.

I've got two cats, plles and a son-in-Iaw. Must I have a Board, too?

WllI your son-in-law, Mr Lampton, be joining us for the meeting?

PIease, George.

I imagine Mr AisgllI mereIy supposed that as you have no sons of your own...

- (MAN) Goodbye, Abe. - Goodbye.

All these comings and goings. Are they getting the computers in?

If they do, it wllI be the breadllne for us and not J. Lampton.

He was cIever enough to knock up the boss's daughter in days gone by.

And that, mate, is reaI sociaI security.

(MAN) See you Iater, George. We' ll see you down at the pub.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

..You're cIear about that cause we don't want him otherwise.

(PHONE RINGS)

(CHANTS) In nomine Spiritus Sanctus,

Deus nomine Spiritus Sanctus,

Nomine fidello.

(BELLS CHIME)

Guess who, Daddy?

(WHISPERS) Oh, shh, Barbara, your mummy's asIeep.

Come on now.

- Whoopty-whoop! - (SHE GIGGLES)

Thank you.

Come on in, Iad.

You Iook haIf frozen. Come in and have a cuppa.

Sit down, Iad.

HeIp yourseIf, Iad.

I used to have a newspaper round when I was a Iad of your age.

Harry goes to boarding schooI. Do you go to boarding schooI?

It's not a schooI.

It's an expensive sausage-factory his grandfather chose for him.

(LAUGHS) Oh, Joe, honestIy. But is Daddy really going publlc?

A famlly firm the size of Brown's is no Ionger a viabIe unit.

Merging with Hethersett is a mistake.

We shouId go publlc, but on our own.

It's all there in my report. Everything he has to know.

Oh, Joety, I hope so.

You hope so. What do you mean, you hope so?

You' re so touchy! It's getting impossibIe to say anything to you.

I see, it's just Iucky Joe Lampton.

Abe Brown llfted him out out of the depths of the Town Hall,

cIeaned his fingernalls, and made him socially acceptabIe.

Well, far from llfting me anywhere, Abe Z Brown is now hoIding me back.

(WHISTLES)

Just because I'm married to you doesn't mean I' ll spend my days

in IoyaI and cringing servitude.

There are bigger fish in the sea than Abe Z Brown.

If you' re going to resign, tell him, not me.

OnIy I want to be there, if and when.

- So you're saying I haven't got the guts. - Once, maybe. Now, I don't know.

- Well, that's honest. - Yes, it's honest.

(CAR HORN)

Most men wash their cars on Sunday. Your father brainwashes my son instead.

Oh, Ieave Harry be. You've aIready spolled Barbara.

(SHEEP BLEATING)

(CAR HORN HONKS)

You' re going to a sherry party with me, but you'd rather go to a pub without me.

- Who said anything about going to... - You.

You never say anything.

You onIy say what you think I want to hear.

Now what's eating you now?

What you need is another bun in the oven.

- I hate that expression. - All right, '' become with chlld'' then.

- Preggers. - Not llkeIy.

Anything to preserve mllady's figure.

If I had another chlld and came out of it a big fat cow...what then, Joety?

Hm?

- Now pIease... - CircuIate.

- And don't... - Pick your nose.

..don't taIk shop with Daddy or run after that HauxIey woman.

You were staring at her in church, undressing her Iayer by Iayer.

Yes, dear, sorry, dear, just as you say, dear (!)

(CHUCKLES) Sybll, darllng!

(JOE) Hello, Sybll.

Uh-oh. Something tells me Mark's been straying again.

(JOE) What's the matter with Sybll?

The truth of the matter is,

Mark has aIways been drawn to heavy-breasted women.

Oh, Susan, darllng, don't Iook at me llke that.

It never crossed my mind that you were heavy.

Full-ish, I'd say.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Do you mind? Thank you.

Where have all the good domestics gone?

Emigrated to the rich dominions every one.

Susan, you don't know how lucky you are.

I'd swap husbands with you any day.

- Joe llves for his chlldren and his work. - (MARK SNIGGERS)

An exampIe to all of us.

Mark just llves for his pIeasures, his sordid pIeasures.

If it's IocaI background, you must speak to our Sarah,

she's an absoIute treasure.

Oh Joe, there you are. Dear, I'm showing Miss HauxIey around.

She's dying to see the grounds. Deirdre!

- My name is Joe Lampton. - Mine is Norah HauxIey.

- Uh, this way. - Thank you.

(CHATTERING)

- Do you llke it, Daddy? - Very much, Iove.

Good, cause I charged it to your account.

- Oh, did you? - Mm.

All right, I' ll forgive you.

Yes, you' re much nicer than all those horribIe human beings, aren't you?

Cutie llttIe daddy, aren't you? Yes!

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

But what exactIy wllI you be doing here?

Anything to work my passage out of the saIt mines and back to London.

- Oh, it's not that deadIy here. - Not if you' re a vegetabIe.

Anyway, they expect me to compere some IocaI teIevision shows.

It's really quite impressive - the house, I mean.

Ten bedrooms, four bathrooms,

a swimming pooI, a tennis court and four acres.

All mod con, as they say. If onIy Labour doesn't ruin it.

I'm something of a Labour supporter myseIf, you know.

Well, at Ieast I was, untll...

Untll you reallsed all this might be yours one day.

(MRS BROWN) Joe!

Joe!

- It's the... - Mains.

- I was just going to say that. - Sorry, onIy my uncIe's a pIumber.

(NORAH) Hey, not that one! That one.

Heavens, what on earth is that on you?

Aftershave Iotion, to kllI the vegetabIe smell.

(DISTANT CHATTERING AND LAUGHTER)

Joe, I don't know what I shouId have done without you.

Connelly is off duty today, so I thought,

'' My God, what do them Iot know about pIumbing? All those sllIy pipes!''

- Joe, you' re marveIous. MarveIous! - A treasure.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Right'o, come and say hello to Doctor Crandall.

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

(THEY GIGGLE)

Now, don't worry, son, I won't embarrass you.

- Here, Harry. - Thank you.

Don't spend it all on sweets.

NigeI!

- (MAN) Say goodbye to your mother. - Goodbye!

I' ll give you a new bat, if you make 50 runs.

- Bye. - Bye-bye, Harry!

I'm not sure he's happy at that schooI.

But it's good for him, Joe, and of course he Ioves it. They all do.

Maybe.

If Harry had met me when I was a Iad dellvering newspapers,

he wouId have snubbed me.

- Pas devant... - Pardon?

.. le domestiques.

- (SIGHS) - Oh, Joety!

You've got to be IoyaI to something.

But it doesn't have to be councll schooIs and bread and drippings.

Aren't you pIeased Harry's getting a better start?

- You don't you understand... - I don't understand your sort!

You say you want a better llfe and when you step up

you hate yourseIf for it.

Gorgeous.

- Daddy. - Can I Iook?

All right. That's the one. Charge it to my account.

(SHE CHUCKLES)

I'm your husband.

If I can't afford eight-inch thick carpets,

it's embarrassing to me for you to ask.

Why shouIdn't I, if I want it? Why shouIdn't I have it?

You onIy llve once - isn't that what they say?

(SLOW PIANO)

No, no, no. It works llke this, you see.

Each of them throws the car key into the handkerchief.

The keys then get well shook up.

Each husband reaches for a key.

He then drives home with whichever wife beIongs to that car.

I never suggested we do it.

I'm telling you what I read in the magazine!

Under certain conditions I might consider it.

No thanks! I have got too much to Iose.

Councllor AisgllI, I drive an Aston Martin.

Another day, another night in WarIey-on-the-Muck.

You used to think WarIey was everything.

I used to think you made babies by kissing girIs.

It isn't what you expected, is it, Joe?

- Oh, Iet it ride. - I don't mean 'us', I mean, everything.

It isn't what I expected. Nothing is what I expected.

- I mean, isn't there anything more? - A win in the pooIs?

A BentIey with a bullt-in telly?

- Have you ever had a coIored girI? - Every Friday after the tea break.

It's an oId custom at A. Z. Brown and Company (!)

Well, what if it's different? What if it's better?

- What in the hell are you...? - You' re soon going to be oId, Joety!

Mark was in Iove with another boy at schooI, did you know that?

You might've toId me before we sent our son to the same pIace.

- You don't understand! - I'm trying to.

Well, there aIways seemed time for this and time for that,

and you couId put some things off.

Joe...

Well, Daddy frightens me - it's pllIs for this and pllIs for that.

I dream of coffins and Iying under the earth.

- Oh, Susan! - Oh, why don't you do it?

- What? - Get myseIf a boy?

- Go on Indian hemp? Do what? What? - Resign!

Mummy wouId give me the money and we couId llve in the south of France.

Or Tahiti?

And what wouId we do all day sitting in the sun?

TaIk to each other?

(SIGHS)

I've had a hard day today.

But we've never had any troubIe getting an order from TiffieId before.

The awkward oId bastard's trying it on. You'll have to go to London and see him.

Well, Iad, I want to know, are you going to run for councll or not?

I haven't spoken to Susan yet.

I called in at the cIub Iast night. They' re very keen. So am I.

You said the Park Ward was so safe for the Tories

you couId run a cocker spanieI and stllI be home and dry.

The CIub's agreed you are the ideaI candidate.

Woof-woof. What does councllor AisgllI say?

He'd llke to have a llttIe chat with you.

You' re not going on about something that's been dead for ten years.

Oh, not me. I'm a treasure, I am.

Then you' ll Iet your name go forward? Good.

Well, I'm gIad that's settIed. Let's have a drink to ceIebrate.

This is not going to be a reguIar thing, mind.

- So it's finished? - Yes.

- CongratuIations. - Thank you.

If you go publlc, you' ll be forming a Board of Directors.

Now Iet me put it this way.

I can't promise anything, but if I must have a Board,

I'd rather have my own son-in-Iaw on it, than a bIeeding Hethersett.

Meantime, get the TiffieId order.

- Cheerio. - Cheers.

'' If the onIy way I can make your Board is by being your son-in-Iaw,

''then you can stuff it.'' That's what I said to him.

If I'm going to sit on that Board, it's gonna be cause he needs me!

You haven't burst at this hour to tell me that, have you?

I'm going. I've got to be at the Exchange. I'm Iate.

- Bye, darllng. - Bye, Iove.

(DOORBELL)

- Mark! What brings you here? - Sybll's reproaches.

I need feminine advice.

Women don't understand that men are not naturally monogamous creatures.

Pour him a stiff one, Susan. Sorry, I've got to fIy.

(CAR ENGINE STARTS UP)

- (MARK) Hello, Barbara. - Hello.

It's Mrs Compton's day off. I couIdn't get her to change it.

Well, how are you, then?

Ay, ay, ay!

- Barbara, why don't you... - No.

Look, I've an idea.

- Let's pIay bllnd man's buff. - Yes!

Yes.

- Found her yet? - (MARK) Not yet.

- Found her? - Not yet.

Where are you?

I'm going to catch you. Where are...

Found her?

(NORAH) It's surprising how few people are familiar

with this gem of Victorian architecture.

The design is Gothic and Venetian,

but the traders on the floor are pure Yorkshire.

For this is the Bradford Wool Exchange. The only one of its kind.

Here, every Monday and Thursday, spinners, top mak ers, wool brok ers

gather to buy and sell wool.

And their word is their bond.

The men you see here are on the floor boast that there isn't

a single type of hair or wool for which a buyer cannot be found.

They're watched over by the splendid statue of Richard Crompton,

the apostle of free trade.

This, then, is a nerve centre, a trading tempIe.

A Victorian bastion of free enterprise.

- Very good, Norah. - I'll just be outside.

OK, break it up, fellas.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hello, Iove.

Oh, I forgot to tell you this morning.

Big Daddy threw me a bone. He wants me to run for councllor.

Super... Now that the report's finished, you can rush off to councll meetings.

Behind every man there's a woman.

We've been trying to get Daddy off it for years.

Oh.

After the meetings, you can booze it up with George AisgllI.

You can taIk over the good oId days when you shared his wife,

Allce AisgllI... Of bIessed memory. Your one true Iove (!)

That stllI gets you on the raw, doesn't it?

You'll have to be quicker than that, Cassius.

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

What, you on the dreary councll? A Tory? Huh!

- Well, don't you vote Tory? - Yes, but I was bIoody born to it.

It's a tribaI custom, llke doing the Times crossword.

- No, don't do it, Joe. - Well, why not?

Well, it appears to be a reward for faithfuI service,

but what it actually amounts to is the WarIey strait jacket.

One-way ticket to pot-bellied pomposity.

I envy you. You do as you pIease.

Why not? I'm 40 years oId, with a wife just this side of the menopause,

two dogs and a dogsbody's job.

I llve from overdraft to overdraft, so what's the use of worrying?

Oh, Joe, what do you need the councll for?

If you've got time on your hands, do as I do.

Get yourseIf a Iady.

- What about Norah HauxIey? - Ah, yes, Miss HauxIey.

Super, very super. But hard as nalls. Don't even think of it.

- Of what? - Ravishing her.

Every randy bastard in WarIey has had a go, incIuding me.

- (JOE CHUCKLES) - But it's no good.

Miss HauxIey sees us all as provinciaI boors. She's a cllmber.

Once in more fastidious times, I suited such creatures to a T,

but, uh, well, other ages, other Iadders.

It won't be a rake with the right background llke me,

nor a grammar schooI boy llke you who's going to enjoy miss HauxIey,

rather a highIy-pIaced telly producer.

StllI, not to worry - pIenty more where she came from.

There must be someone eIse you fancy.

- Morning, sir. - Nice to see you again.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Uh-uh. A llttIe more brandy, I think. - CertainIy, sir.

That's better.

I knew oId Abe when he was courting your mother-in-Iaw.

I rather fancied her myseIf. RemarkabIe woman. TireIess.

- Some wouId say exhausting. - I was very Iucky he got her.

(CHUCKLES)

- Aren't you going to eat, Joe? - I'm not hungry.

You don't know what you're missing!

CouId have done with a touch more orange.

- Are you watching your figure? - No, I'm watching my order book.

(CHUCKLES)

Whose figure are you watching?

Disgusting. I used to induIge myseIf when I was a bit younger.

That's all over now, thank goodness.

Are you sure you're not going to eat those?

Well, seems a pity to waste the good things in llfe, doesn't it?

OId Abe did himseIf good when he married your mother-in-Iaw.

She had a pedigree as Iong as her tongue.

And quite a few skeIetons rattllng in the cupboard.

(CHUCKLES) Dellcious.

A coupIe of thieves, a murderer, and that ambitious gentIeman,

who procured his 1 5-year-oId son for a royaI duke.

That was Peregrene, my favourite. A sort of Joe Lampton pIus.

This contract, you know, put your stock up with Abe, if you got it.

The question is how high Abe's stock is with me.

Cheeky young fellow, aren't you? Got your eye on higher things?

How about steallng oId Abe's son-in-Iaw to head our SaIes Organization?

- Hm, why not? - Are you offering me a job?

Well, you're not free to take one. But if you were, you'd be head of the llst.

- (WAITER) Sir, your car's waiting. - I must be getting on.

Thank you for a dellghtfuI meaI.

- What about the order? - The order? Oh, yes.

We can't have oId Abe becoming another skeIeton

in your mother-in Iaw's cupboard.

You'd better work out the detalls with our Mr Mottram.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Now, uh...

Yes, well, we don't have to take him too llterally.

I thought perhaps a llttIe serious business first.

And now, direct from Hamburg, Miss Stormy Trooper.

(J AZZ MUSIC)

Well, there's stllI a Iot of IegaI IoophoIes to be pIugged.

On the other hand, if the sollcitors wouId pull their fingers out,

the contract couId be finished in a week.

Isn't it nice?

- Oh, yes. - I mean, the way we do business here.

Last week I had a saIes executive from an American company here

and he offered me what I belleve they call a '' kick-back'' ...

If onIy I poured honey into TiffieId's ear, so to speak.

This American had come from the Portobello Road,

he'd just bought a piano, Victorian.

He was going to make it into a bar. IncredibIe Iot, aren't they?

Then out of nowhere, so to speak,

he offered me this so-called '' kick-back'' .

To push the sollcitors...

..so to speak.

How much did he offer you?

(CHUCKLES) This is embarrassing, rather.

500 pounds.

(UPTEMPO J AZZ MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(MAN) I've done it a dozen times. It's the easiest fiver I've ever won.

Let the dog see the rabbit.

(WOMAN) George, don't do it. You'll make yourseIf llI.

I'll bet you another fiver you can't do it under a minute.

- Let's get on with our own business. - There's a teIephone call for you.

- Excuse me, wllI you? - Right'o.

- Mark, are you timing me? - George, pIease...

- You ready? - Yeah.

Go!

Good! We'll make a proper saIesman yet.

Oh, one thing.

There's a small question of a kick-back to Mottram to hurry the contract through.

How much?

- 7 50 pounds. - (TO Y BARKS)

(SIGHS) Well, all right.

Can you get back tonight instead of tomorrow?

- I have to see the computer peopIe... - I know, but this is very important.

- Have you ever read my report, then? - Uh...well...

I've got young Hethersett down here.

His father sent him here for a few days.

(CHEERING)

Smashing brew! I'll have another one! Hey, that's ten quid you owe me.

- See you Iater, alligators. - In a whlle, crocodlle.

(ALL LAUGH)

(CAR HORN)

- I appreciate your coming back tonight. - Obllging, that's Lampton.

It's George AisgllI.

Now Iook, I want you on that councll,

but he and one or two others at the CIub are being a bit awkward.

That's why you must see George AisgllI tonight.

- Oh, Abe, Iet's forget it. - My mind's made up.

Now Iook, it may be ten years ago, but you did bed the man's wife.

And she did commit suicide on your account.

At Ieast so most peopIe said.

- What about the others? - Leave them to me.

(AISGILL) Come on, Joseph. Go ahead.

It's not a question of brute strength at all.

Karate's a matter of...bellef, determination.

You see, you pretend the brick isn't there at all...

And then...you sllce right through it. There's no pain.

- Come on, you try it. - No, it's not for me.

If you're to be our new conservative candidate,

I want to be sure you'll be happy with us, uh, reactionary vermin.

Wasn't that how you put it?

- Isn't this the new CanaIside? - Yes.

I thought the councll were gonna bulld masses of cheap housing on it.

What do you think?

- Gorgeous. - We're going to be married.

I'm dellghted for your sake.

For my sake?

Look, Joseph, when Allce died, I was gIad.

- Didn't you know that? - No.

She was a nymphomaniac, didn't you know?

I don't mean to be crude, but the truth is she couId never get enough.

Didn't you know that?

Whatever's worth doing, Joseph, is worth doing well.

When I come across something that interests me, I study it.

From all angIes. Like karate.

What I'm trying to get at is I'm a very proficient Iover.

I mean, I've read all the texts, you know.

She was insatiabIe, that woman.

It didn't matter who, as Iong as he...

well, measured up to her requirements.

- I really must be getting home. - Do you ever think of her?

Do you ever think of her, Joe?

- Sometimes. - She wouIdn't have been good for you.

She'd have eaten you allve.

She's dead. OK, Iet's Ieave it at that.

- You're happy now, aren't you, Joseph? - SwimmingIy.

Good. SpIendid.

I'm gIad things have worked out so frightfully well for you and Susan.

Joseph, one minute.

It wasn't you and Allce between the sheets that I minded.

No, it was the chaps having a giggIe about me in the CIub, on the goIf course.

Because I have my pride, Joseph...llke you.

We're two of a kind, aren't we?

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

(DOG HOWLS)

(SWING MUSIC)

Woof!

(APPLAUSE)

Well, that was stunning, it really was.

When it comes to the quick-step, you'd have to go some to beat that pair.

(DISTANT GIGGLING)

(WOMAN GIGGLING)

Come on, then, come on.

Come on, then. Go on, shoo-shoo!

- Go on, you! - (BARKING)

- You want a drink? - Yes.

- Scotch? - Yes.

Oh!

Joe, you...you mustn't jump to concIusions.

Not me.

Not a grammar schooI boy llke me!

I'm sorry, Joe. It's my fauIt entireIy.

Well-said...my dear oId friend.

Well-said.

HeIp yourseIf. Anything you want (!)

And now that you've had my wife, the llquor hardIy matters!

Joe, pIease.

Why don't you go comb your hair or something?!

Joe, she Ioves YOU. OnIy you.

Sure, but she needs the odd work out to keep her in shape!

- Fllthy... - I'm fllthy, I suppose I shouId apoIogise!

- I said I was sorry. - (MOCKINGLY) '' I said I was sorry!''

Sllmy bastard!

- Open it. - Go to hell!

I said, open it!

Do you llke it? Do you approve?

You've had so much experience, such good taste! Hasn't he, Iove?

- I hate to spoll your fun, but I'm tired. - Oh, I bet you are!

Well done, oId boy, well done. She's tired.

- I'm going. - No, no. PIease, wait. Sit down.

I was gonna make some sandwiches.

Or maybe you'd prefer something a llttIe more substantiaI.

Well, come on, oId boy, how wouId you rate her?

WouId you say she was ''super''? Very ''super''?

- Or not so... - PIease, Joe, pIease.

Don't say things you'll regret Iater.

Goodnight.

Everybody's so pollte around here. So sporting!

Everybody but Iower-decks Lampton. Goodnight and goodbye!

If you show that spineIess, well-bred, mllk-fed face around here again,

I'll smash a cricket bat over it. Now, out!

- (DOOR SLAMS) - I shouId have kllIed that bastard.

You're not his onIy bit of spare, you know.

I wonder how he can tell you apart in the dark.

Oh, you...

How Iong has this been going on?

- Well, it wasn't the first time tonight. - How Iong?

- Since May. - Is he better in bed than I am?

You think that's the answer to everything.

- I want to know why you went with him. - I don't know.

Why?

Maybe it was raining, or there was nothing on the telly,

or Barbara was sick on the fIoor, or you weren't here...

- What's the bIoody difference?! - It makes a difference to me!

You're worried that you'll have to find another drinking chum.

He never was your chum. You amuse him.

Had Iong discussions about me in bed, I suppose?

- I want to know why you went with him. - Because - that's why.

- Because. Because. - Oh, you're a bIoody chlld.

You mean I don't have an uIterior motive for everything I do, llke you do,

well, then I am a chlld, and gIad of it.

Whose notion is that? Yours or his?

I'm going to scream! If you don't stop, I'm going to scream!

Oh, what's the use?

What's the bIoody use in anything?

DyIan! Here, boy! DyIan?

(WHISTLES)

Brendan! Brendan!

It's daddy!

I couIdn't sIeep.

How was your trip?

Did you get the order?

Yes.

As a matter of fact, TiffieId offered me a big job.

You must be very pIeased with yourseIf.

Dellghted...

Beside myseIf with joy (!)

Fancy. Oh, very fancy.

- Is that one of Mark's speciaIties? - PIease, Joety.

''Oh, pIease, Joety...'' '' Did you get the order, Joe'' (?)

See you in next week's News of the WorId.

If you want a divorce...

Mummy wouId go around the bend.

All those years of charity work, waiting to be noticed on the Honours List

a right juicy scandaI wouId ruin it, wouIdn't it?

No titIe for Abe, 200,000 pounds gone down the drain.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

- Get home! - (BO Y) Get home yourseIf.

Don't come in here!

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

- Hey! Are you from the councll, sir? - It's the HeaIth Inspector.

(BABY CRIES)

We've been waiting ten years for a councll fIat.

We've been on the llst 1 4 years, sir.

But...I'm not from the councll.

Hey, it's the bIoody rat bites.

They come from the canaIs, smell mllk on the babies!

If eIected, I ask that each one of you watch me llke a hawk.

Question me. Criticise me.

But best of all, join me in working for the publlc good.

(COUGHING)

Thank you.

Mr Lampton has very kindIy agreed to answer your questions.

CouId Mr Lampton expIain why committee meetings

of our Tory-controlled Councll had been cIosed to the publlc and the press

on no Iess than three occasions in the Iast 1 2 months?

And on each occasion, a specific probIem was discussed -

the CanaIside deveIopment.

Our so-called housing committee,

or shouId I say, George AisgllI and Company,

otherwise known as the Iand specuIator's...

I'm sorry to interrupt you, Miss, but that's hardIy a question.

Is there anyone eIse who has any questions to ask Mr Lampton,

before refreshments are served?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- (NORAH) I don't belleve that's true. - But the statistics prove it.

I suppose the peopIe who llve by the canaI are onIy a statistic to you.

There's nothing very speciaI about them.

There are three mllllon houses in EngIand without bathrooms.

Oh, you want to watch this one!

It's not that she has a sociaI conscience, it's just that her uncIe's a pIumber.

I was brought up in a house without a bathroom too.

But you went to night schooI, put your shouIder to the wheeI,

and made something of yourseIf - a treasure.

- What about... - You're adorabIe.

- What about the CanaIside Estate? - Go and Iead a protest march!

- Answer his question. - I'm not on the councll yet.

I'm sure Abe Brown won't Iet you down.

I'm Joe Lampton, remember that, son of a bitch! I've got a name. Use it.

I'm sorry.

You don't really think it's important, do you?

Like what? Ballroom dancing?

As Iong as there's four acres in your future, you're all right.

You're drunk!

How very, very perceptive of you (!)

Come aIong, Norah.

If he's got to hurry off , we couId continue this in a pub.

WouId your wife be joining us?

(WHISPERS) I've got to see you. I want to taIk to you.

Norah.

# Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday, dear Harry

♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪

- (ALL) Hurray! - Make a wish.

- Go on, Barbara, bllndfoId him. - No peeking.

There you are, Harry.

We picked it out especially for you. We thought it was what you wanted.

Thank you very much, sir.

''Thank you very much, sir'' .

Nobody thought of buying me one when I was...

God in Heaven! Don't pIay that staIe seIf-pitying record again!

Daddy!

We can't go on not seeing Mark and Sybll.

Why not? How much do they see each other, anyway?

The onIy thing that keeps them together

is who's going to get custody of the dogs.

- Where are you going? - Out.

What are we going to do, Joe?

Invest in Unit Trust so we can be content and happy in our sunset years.

But it's all over between Mark and me.

Why? Has he given you up for a younger piece aIready?

(DOOR CLOSES)

(RINGS DOORBELL)

Then he Iooks at the bIeeding bicycIe and says, ''Thank you very much, sir'',

in that nancy-boy accent that costs me 450 quid a year.

If you don't llke the accent, send him to a state schooI.

Nobody consuIts me. I'm nothing in the Iarger scheme of things here.

Modesty is one thing I never suspected you of.

No, not nothing.

Father of the future Lord Major. The stud.

If you disllke it so much, why don't you Ieave?

What? Just llke that?

Well, it wouId mean saying goodbye to the four acres.

My son probabIy wouIdn't even notice my absence.

You know, when he Iooks at Brown, his face shines with respect.

He has ''earIy struggIes and the schooI of hard knocks'' written all over him.

I'm just the cIever boy who married the rich man's daughter.

- I've heard the gossip. - Who hasn't?

(THUNDER)

The Iast time I was in London I saw a gorgeous pink Thunderbird.

Something eIse I wanted, something eIse I couIdn't afford.

I decided I didn't want a Thunderbird.

I wouIdn't refuse one, that's not the same thing.

I've just stopped wanting, well...things.

Do you know, I never mention my parents?

CertainIy not in the Brown house - they'd have the pIace fumigated.

But not even in my own house.

I'm sure my chlldren wllI grow up thinking I was dellvered by post.

Barbara takes riding Iessons now.

Strikes the fear of God in me to pick her up there.

I'm sure they think I'm Iooking for a job and came to the wrong entrance.

Every year my father used to go down to London for the Cup FinaI

and keep all his money in his shoe.

(BOTH LAUGH)

''They're all thieves down there, you know, Iad'' .

Imagine waIking into a pub and pulling a damp 1 0-shllllng note out of your shoe?

(BOTH LAUGH)

All his spare money wouId go on his pigeons.

They have a funny smell, pigeons - used to drive Mother up the wall.

And at schooI there was a priest who heIped me win a schoIarship.

- Are you Cathollc then? - Lapsed.

Which doesn't stop you yieIding to temptation.

Just prevents you from enjoying it.

I had the same probIem, onIy my parents were atheists.

Very strict. No drinking, no smoking, no nothing,

just to prove to the church-goers that you can have morallty without rellgion.

You better get dressed.

(WHISPERS) I'm sorry.

Don't apoIogize to me.

OnIy one thing I ask from you, be honest.

I wllI, I promise.

(WHISPERS) Promises.

Who the hell doesn't start out with promises?

(TOILET FLUSHING)

We needn't go on seeing Mark and Sybll, if you can't bear it.

- It's no use dodging it. - Joety, come here.

It's onIy you I've ever wanted.

Oh, it's aIways so super with you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Hey, that's mine. - I beg your pardon, it's mine!

I beg yours. That was my chip.

I aIways pIay 24. I remember where I put it,

and I'm sure this gentleman will bear me out. Croupier!

Croupier or no croupier, it's my money.

Oh, they're not such a bad Iot.

They're shallow, gross, and seIfish.

Rotten to the core, llke me.

SeriousIy, Joe, take a good Iook,

because this is what's in store for you if you stay here.

As opposed to accepting saIvation from Sister Norah.

Twenty years from now you might even be Lord Mayor.

Steady on, now. I've got to win the Park Ward first.

At night you couId fllI in the emptiness at the tabIes llke this Iot.

Or you couId buy yourseIf a bird haIf your age.

The onIy reason most middIe-aged men don't have birds haIf their age,

is not because they have better taste that this Iot.

but because they can't afford it.

- You're a pollticaI ignoramus. - Sex-crazed.

Totally without conscience.

If I go on llke this, we're llkeIy to be arrested for publlc indecency.

If onIy you couId stay all night, just once.

When I get everything settIed, we'll go to a hoteI and won't get up for a week.

- Room service all the way. - Let's not pretend.

- I'm serious. - Susan wllI try everything to stop you.

- Are you prepared for that? - I Iove you, you fooI.

What about the chlldren? It couId be harder than you think.

(MAN OVER LOUD HAILER) Vote Conservative.

It's your standard of living, don't throw it away.

Vote conservative. The polls close at nine.

It's your standard of living. Don't throw it away. Vote conservative.

It's your standard of living. Don't throw it away.

Vote conservative.

- It's your standard of living. - Not here, you fooI!

# For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ And so say all of us

♪ And so say all of us

♪ And so say all of us

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ And so say all of us ♪

(ALL) Hurray!

(CHEERING)

(MAN) You did very well. Best of Iuck.

- (MAN) CongratuIations. - Thank you.

- Sybll, darllng. - Hello, Susan.

Hello, oId man, Iong time no see.

- How are you, Iove? - Full of beans.

- But Mark... - Oh, it's nothing.

- Just a touch of maIaria again. - You want to watch that.

I toId him he shouIdn't be out of bed,

but he couIdn't bear to miss Susan's birthday party,

Not to mention your eIection, councllor.

- CongratuIations. - Now, that's a genuine tribute.

Oh! Many happy returns from us both, Susan, darllng.

Darllng, you're very sweet, but you really shouIdn't have done it.

- Oh, it's IoveIy! Just what I wanted. - Good.

Hm.

Pity you won't see her in it, isn't it?

It was Sybll's idea, actually. She went out and bought it.

You Iook a bit rough, oId man. Let me get you another drink.

Thanks, whiskey.

- CongratuIations, we're all proud of you. - Thank you.

- WouId you llke another drink? - Thanks.

Well, the truth is things couIdn't be rosier now.

But Iet's face it, darllng, Mark is irresistibIe.

And they're forever after him, that sIuttish Iot at the CIub,

with their dreary nine-to-five husbands.

The truth is I don't bIame him, I don't bIame them.

Well, that's jolly understanding of you, but you know what the others say,

'' Poor oId Sybll, it's her onIy way of hanging on to him.''

They envy me. Mark's not onIy handsome, he's interesting.

And those fading llttIe bitches, well,

''Gather ye other woman's husbands whlle ye may'' - that's their phllosophy.

But weren't you the same, Iove, at our age?

Mark tells me all about it afterwards.

- How bIoody crueI of him. - One's the same as another.

- He aIways comes back to me. - (LAUGHS) To reallty.

Isn't it hatefuI for you to be something of a mother-image to him?

No marriage is what it appears to be. Take the Harrises, for instance.

He onIy married her for her money, and I find that humlliating. WouIdn't you?

You and Susan must come to dinner soon.

Perhaps Mark and Sybll wllI come aIong, too.

- Smashing idea. - Super.

This is your first party meeting,

so I recommend you be more seen than heard.

Excuse me for butting in, but Arthur is worried about the CanaIside item.

Arthur, stop Iooking as if you've wet your breeches.

The councll fIats are stllI on our program

- but why has it got to be the CanaIside? - We've given our word.

Why can't you trust your Chairman to do the best he can for everyone concerned?

- I'm not voting bllndIy. - Why can't you be llke Joseph?

- Joseph doesn't rock the boat. - If I did, it might sink.

Now come on, Arthur.

(BALLROOM MUSIC)

Look, there's daddy!

That was unbeatabIe, I thought, but you have two points to make up.

Now here is WarIey's answer.

Frances and Howard Chapman in the pasodobIe.

How can you be Ieaving for London now?

- Not now, next Friday. - Why didn't you Iet me know?

If you're serious about starting all over, you can't do things by haIf measures.

Come on, have to get back. Quick.

(BIRDS SQU AWKING)

- Do you really have to go tomorrow? - Yes, I must.

- Why so soon? - I'm not running away.

The job I've been waiting for in London has fallen vacant - that's all.

I don't know what I'd do if we couIdn't see each other again.

But how many times has it been?

And I'm not counting that damned eIection party.

Watching you with her making pollte conversation.

Just once a week in my fIat. And then llke thieves.

A wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, in the back of the car.

- It's the first time. - And the Iast.

You'll find somebody eIse in London and forget me.

That depends on you, doesn't it?

If you think I'm going to llve llke a nun for a year or two

whlle you vacllIate about a divorce, no.

But don't you understand? I need you.

If you need me, you'll come to London.

(DISTANT TYPEWRITER)

Well, Joe...

we've been studying your report, young Mister Hethersett and I.

That report is confidentiaI. RaIph doesn't work for us.

There's going to be a merger with Hethersett.

We're moving with the times, Joe.

- Well, what about my report? - A well-argued piece, I have to say.

The merger makes it useIess. You've made a fooI out of me!

- Joe, Joe! - I think I'd best toddIe.

Oh, one thing, oId man.

I hope we're all going to stroke together on the good ship Brown and Hethersett.

(DOOR CLOSES)

I worked my guts out over that report.

You Iet me go on hoping all this time.

You said you'd rather have me on the Board than a Hethersett!

What I'd rather have and what's possibIe...

You shuffIed me off to London, got me out of the way!

Oh, don't start crying (!) Now cIean your ears and llsten!

As you've noticed - with satisfaction, my heaIth's not been too good IateIy.

It's time for me to consider your wife and chlldren.

AIso I'm badIy in need of fresh capitaI for new equipment.

I've aIways feIt that nobody knew the wooI trade llke A. Z. Brown.

But you're past it! Merging with Hethersett is a mistake.

Merging with him?! I'm absorbing him!

I'll have to put up with a Board full of dummies,

but there's stllI onIy going to be one boss here!

As Iong as I'm here, there'll aIways be a pIace for you.

I promise you that.

I'm not exactIy in need of a handout. Not yet.

You Iet me know what sort of a pIace and I'll think about it.

You tried.

You tried hard, Joe.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(BELL CHIMES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(BELL CHIMES)

So I put it to you to, to abandon the CanaIside Estate

is to succumb to the most naked sort of profiteering.

(SHOUTS OF DISAPPROVAL)

Neither can we of the Labour Party accept it as coincidence

that George AisgllI of AisgllI Projects is on the Housing Committee.

We demand a recorded vote on this question.

Now any further questions? Any comments? Any amendments?

(JOE) My Lord Mayor...

..I assume that as a newIy-eIected...

(MAN) Speak up, Lad!

(SPEAKS LOUDER) I assume that as a newIy-eIected Conservative Councllor,

I am expected to endorse what Mr Graffham has called,

''the most naked kind of profiteering'' .

(ALL LAUGH)

I further assume that...

I'm expected to hoId to the Tory Party llne llke a well-trained pet.

I say pet, advisedIy, because as AIderman Brown once put it,

''The Park Ward is so safe for the Tories

''you couId run a cocker spanieI and stllI be home and dry'' .

(SHOUTS OF DISAPPROVAL)

Shame on you!

Or as councllor... Or as Councllor AisgllI...

(EX CITED CHATTERING) PIease!

Or as Councllor AisgllI put it even more recentIy, '' Don't rock the boat'' .

UnfortunateIy, I'm not a cocker spanieI

and I feeI strongIy that sometimes it is necessary to rock the boat.

I have feellngs of my own, a conscience!

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - A Tory with a conscience, eh?

And don't assume for one moment that I'm the onIy man

sitting on this side of the Councll Chamber with a conscience!

I know what it is to wait for a councll fIat.

My father was a coaI miner in Dufton,

and he waited and waited and died waiting!

And there is no excuse for the same thing to happen here in WarIey.

(MPs ) Quite right, quite right!

Our party is...

- (EX CITED SHOUTING) - GentIemen...

Our party...

Our party is pIedged to the CanaIside deveIopment scheme.

PIedged to bulld a community center.

To bulld councll fIats, instead of yet another shopping center.

It's part of our publlshed program,

and honour demands that we fuIfllI that pIedge!

(SHOUTS OF DISAPPROVAL)

Wait, pIease, one moment. Wait...

PIease, wait one minute.

(SHOUTING STOPS)

I want to tell you that I wllI not onIy vote against my party's motion,

but I ask any man sitting on this side of the Councll Chamber

who feeIs as I do, to vote with me, and damn the consequences.

(SHOUTS OF DISAPPORVAL)

(CHEERING AND SHOUTS OF APPROVAL)

Why don't you resign?

(SIGHS)

- You shouIdn't have opened it. - Go on, say it wasn't cricket.

I Ieave that kind of remark to Iover boy.

- He's in the hospitaI. - Good. I hope it's fataI.

- That's more llke it. That's the reaI you. - Ta.

Oh... You're not really going away with her, are you?

Why? Haven't I got the guts?

Oh, Joety, admit it, she terrifies you, really.

She's so bossy. You'd be far better off with your empty llttIe wife.

I'm Ieaving you and WarIey.

I've had enough, my belly-full.

That was a gift from me. Our fifth anniversary.

- WouId you rather I Ieft it? - She's not to use it.

I mean, on her big, smelly, hairy armpits.

- Do you want it back? - Stuff it!

Mine... Yours.

Mine.

Mine, mine...

Mine!

And what about the chlldren?

- A cIean break is heaIthier for them. - (SHE LAUGHS)

How much does Harry see of me anyway?

What about your darllng, Barbara?

- I'll be visiting. - It might unsettIe them!

They're my chlldren, too! Of course I want to see them.

- ''Of course I want to see them'' (!) - Cut it out, wllI you, Susan?

'' Cut it out, wllI you, Susan'' (?)

I see no point in continuing this discussion!

I'm going to see them and that's finaI.

All right, now what's eating you?

- You'll onIy want to visit Harry. - What do you mean?

- You'll onIy want to see your own chlld. - My what...

You're mad.

(SHE PLAYS THE PIANO: '' CHOPSTICKS'')

Who was it?

Let's see now...

Let me think...

(SHE CONTINUES PLAYING THE PIANO)

Who was it?

You take a good Iook at her, Joety. You guess!

(DOORBELL)

- (DOOR OPENS) - (ABE) Hello, Susan. Where's Joe?

- (ABE) What the hell's going on here? - (SUSAN) Joe's leaving me, Daddy.

- Who's the whore this time? - That HauxIey woman.

- He's gonna llve with her in London. - You can't go too soon for me.

Why don't you take some llquor, too, Joe?

They're my cigarettes and my llquor.

Don't Iet me keep you. Send your resignation from the councll by post.

You made a right fooI of me, haven't you?

You can't make me resign.

I can vote how I pIease and there's nothing you can do.

We're very cIever, aren't we? How are you proposing to llve?

Upright. After ten years with A. Z. Brown my knees are beginning to ache.

I've bIoody well carried you for those Iast ten years.

You're stllI a llttIe Town Hall cIerk at bottom and aIways wllI be.

We'll see how our hothouse fIower gets on out in the coId.

Abe, there's something I've been wanting to tell you for years.

You've got bad breathe, halltosis.

It's the taIk of the company. They Iaugh behind your back.

- Everybody? Who? - Everybody.

Do you remember that Christmas party in '61 ?

We all know what happened between you and Miss Berryman

and why that bitch got a bonus.

It was aIso the year when 1 00 workers were sacked,

because they were regrettabIy redundant.

You brainIess Iap dog! I never had any intention of putting you on the Board.

We've aIready got somebody to serve the tea!

- Now, out of my house... - It's not your house. I made sure of that!

You're a Iodger here, you no-good, cheap womanizer.

- I'm giving you notice! - I'm going now.

- Good. Just in time for 1 0:30 train. - I'm driving down.

No, you're not! That's the firm's car. The keys, pIease.

WllI you Iend me your car, Susan?

No. I gave you that car. He's not going to use it.

You're tired, Joe. Wait untll morning.

(ABE) ''You're tired, Joe.'' (!) Let the bastard kllI himseIf!

I think you'd better go!

Love, you're overwrought. You don't know who your reaI friends are.

I warned you against him from the first.

If you hadn't tried so hard, I might've never married him.

- But Susan... - Daddy, pIease go.

I'll make you some coffee for the journey.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(BELL CHIMES)

I've never been so happy anywhere.

It's an awfuI dump, isn't it?

As a matter of fact I've got a new fIat in Hampstead.

But I can't have it for a few weeks.

I haven't been so happy since I skipped schooI one day in Dufton

and went to see '' Ladies Night in a Turkish Bath'' .

I stllI can't belleve it.

You gave it all up.

Susan, A. Z. Brown...

..everything...for me.

No, no, no, of course the job's stllI open.

There are other candidates, but don't you worry.

- Sit down. - Well, thank you.

Before you tell the others that the job is fllIed, shouIdn't we discuss terms?

Just a moment. I do have a Board of Directors

and a personneI seIection service.

- I thought you did your own barking. - No, no.

I do my own biting. I pay other peopIe to bark for me.

You'll be interviewed by our industriaI psychoIogist.

It's onIy a formallty. We're very on the ball here.

I see.

I may have other tempting offers to consider.

But what wouId happen to poor oId TiffieId and Company

- if you took another appointment? - That's a chance you're taking.

Don't worry about it, Joe, don't worry about a thing.

(LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

My God, is she going to drag him everywhere with her?

A few more dos llke this one

and he'll be shuffllng back to the underdeveIoped North.

I think he's rather nice, actually.

It's stllI there, Joe.

Now don't worry, darllng, I'll arrange for it to be returned.

- You might as well take it back yourseIf. - I'm not going to see her again.

Maybe she needs the car back again.

HonestIy, darllng, she doesn't give a damn about the car.

She couId use my car, or rather, the firm's car.

Well, she's on the payroll of Brown's anyway.

The usuaI tax dodge, I suppose.

If peopIe llke your father-in-Iaw didn't evade so much tax,

- the rest of us wouId have Iess to pay. - They'd find something to waste it on.

- All the more reason why... - Oh, quiet.

You're hatefuI.

(TRAFFIC)

Mr Joseph Lampton.

(CHATTERING)

- Uh, sit down. - Thank you.

- How are you? - Fine.

Now, we'd just llke to fllI in some of the gaps first.

- Yes, of course. - Education?

Dufton Grammar SchooI.

Duf...ton...

..Gram...mar...

..Sch..ooI...

- And then? - The RAF.

Jolly good. Commission?

No, Fllght Sergeant.

F...Sergeant...

- Where did you serve? - I was a POW in Germany.

- Any decorations? - No.

What degrees do you have?

- Pardon? - University.

None.

I thought he had been to the Harvard Business SchooI.

No, no, that's Wallace, Ernest.

The Importance of Being... (ALL LAUGH)

No...

Uni...ver...sity...

Over to you, HaroId.

Mister Lampton,

tell me about the size saIes promotion budget you handIed at A. Z. Brown?

Yes, it was... about 1 0,000 pounds a year.

You reallze that our budget Iast year topped two hundred thou.

(EX CITED CHATTERING)

- (MAN) GIasses? - (NORAH) In the cupboard.

- (MAN) Where's the corkscrew? - (NORAH) With the gIasses.

(MAN) Hello, Joe! You're invited to a party, at your pIace!

Aw, I'm sorry darllng. I thought you'd stllI be up.

- How did it go? - Didn't you see it?

By the way, Joe, are you stllI marching with the army of the unempIoyed?

I haven't been Iooking for a job at all.

I've been out Iooking for a sports car all day.

Well, you're in Iuck. I hear Norah's due for a raise soon.

You go ahead. I'm going to bed, I'm tired.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Well, don't Iook so depressed.

- Pour me a drink, Tim. - ImmediateIy.

Well?

Oh, Joe, I am sorry.

There are masses and masses of jobs.

- You've hardIy started Iooking yet. - It's no good going on Iooking.

Brown wllI make sure I never get anything worthwhlle.

Stop it, Joe. Even A. Z. Brown isn't that powerfuI.

Bring my drink in, wllI you, Ben?

We've simpIy got to find him a job.

I couId find him something with an oll company tomorrow...

- OnIy it's in Kuwait. - Come off it, Ben.

How come a woman llke you isn't married or divorced?

How come you drink so much?

You know what I think?

I think if Joe got himseIf a job and a divorce,

and asked you to the Registry Office with him, you'd run llke hell.

- I happen to be in Iove with him. - Hm.

- As Iong as he doesn't tie you. - Are you through?

I'm with you. Give me the excitement of an affair every time.

Ben, wllI you heIp us?

I keep thinking, if Joe goes home, maybe you'll have time for me.

- You've got a wife and two chlldren. - So has Joe.

And I've got terribIe probIems...

All right! I'll see what I can do.

I'm most impressed. DefiniteIy most impressed.

You're really our sort of chap, Lampton.

You haven't incIuded a recommendation from Brown's in your portfollo.

My reason for Ieaving Brown was pureIy personaI.

I didn't abscond with any funds, if that's what you mean.

(LAUGHS) You're a funny fellow, Lampton!

I'm gIad you've got a sense of humour.

The more I see of you, the more I'm convinced you're our sort of chap.

(COUGHS)

I want you to meet Turnbull, he's in charge of your department.

- This is Lampton, he's joining us. - How do you do?

Very pIeased to have you with us. I'll show you your desk. This way.

(CAR HORN)

It was a good job, it couId have Ied to something important.

Like what? A pension, maybe?

You can't expect me to start at the bottom again at my age.

Why not? This time you might rise by your own abllity.

What if I haven't got any?

Joe, the Hampstead fIat is free now.

I'm moving into it tonight.

YOU are moving into it?

Yes, I think it's better that we don't see each other for a whlle,

just untll you get your bearings.

I've got my bearings, darllng.

You asked me to Ieave WarIey - well, here I am.

But you never Ieft WarIey. Not really.

You want to use me as a stick to beat your wife with.

You won't take a job unIess it's on a Board

because you're afraid that Brown wllI Iaugh at you.

All I care is that you shouId get a job before you've drifted too far.

Everybody's aIways wanting me to do something, prove something.

My mother wanted me to be a better man than my father.

My schooIteacher wanted me to win a schoIarship.

In the RAF they wanted me to die happlly.

Brown wanted me to be his yes-man,

and you want me to prove I've got reaI abllity.

All right, find your own job, then join me in Hampstead.

Oh, Iet's face it, Norah, I'm a summer romance.

The chap you llke on Board ship, but find him embarrassing in port.

- You're ashamed of me. - That's a bIoody lle.

If I was what you and your friends call '' interesting'', I'd be home and dry.

- But you've no time for pIain Yorkshire. - What I've no time for is seIf-pity.

And whlle I'm at it,

I don't think you and your sophisticated friends

are any better than the poor sods in WarIey.

In fact, they're worse because they pretend to know better.

Full of Iove and Oxfam they are. Full of humanity.

But introduce a non-cIub member llke me into their midst

and they'll insuIt him just for the hell of it.

If you're going back to WarIey and want me to take the bIame...

I didn't say I was going back!

I wllI say this much for Susan, she never patronised me.

Oh, you Ioathed her!

I was never a project to her, an underdeveIoped person!

So you'd rather be a big fish in a small pond...

Than a what? A zero in London?

Than be a seIf-respecting and independent.

I'm good at my job...

..I know I am.

But so are 5,000 or 50,000 other men.

I couId never llve with you, Norah, 'cause you'd aIways make me feeI that.

You're taIented.

- You'll go far. - You make it sound llke a curse.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(DISTANT CHATTER AND TRAFFIC)

(DOORBELL)

I'm Magic Bean Give-Away-Man. You must have seen me on TV.

If you have one tin of Magic Beans

or one package of Magic Made Soup, then these fivers are for you.

Oh, get stuffed.

It may not be much, mate, but it's better than being a Iay-about.

Oi! Cop your free sampIe.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(JOE) Well, let me tell you this.

Far from lifting me anywhere, Abe Z Brown is now holding me back.

Just because I'm married to you,

doesn't mean I'll spend my life in loyal servitude.

There are bigger fish in the sea than A. Z. Brown and Company.

I'll sit on the Board, because he needs me - and by God he does.

(MAN) Look, Joe, that's where the money is.

There's some lovely houses up there, Joe.

I'll have one of those. I'm going to have the lot.

No, you're not!

(SUSAN) ..you'll be far better off with your empty little wife?

(WOMAN) These people at the top, they are the same as anybody else.

But you had it inside of you to be so much bigger than any of them.

(AISGILL) I'm glad things have work ed out so frightfully well for you and Susan.

Cock-a-doodle- doo! Cock-a-doodle-doo!

(BROWN) You brainless dog. I had no intention of putting you on the Board,

we've already got somebody to serve the tea!

(JOE) I should have killed that bastard!

(SUSAN) Go on, say it wasn't a crick et.

(JOE) I leave that kind of remark to lover boy.

- (SUSAN) He's in the hospital. - (JOE) Good. I hope it's fatal.

- (JOE) Why did you do it? - (SUSAN) Poor Joe.

(SUSAN) Nothing is ever your fault, is it?

(SUSAN) Joe, this is your home. Stay the night if you want.

(JOE) I'd better go now. I'll write to you.

(SUSAN) Phone me as soon as you reach London. Promise?

(JOE) All right.

(JOE) ''Dear Susan, I'm extremely worried about Harry.

''If he finds out why I've left you,

he might do something impetuous to attract parental attention. ''

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Well, do you llke it then? Hm?

- Well, don't you llke it? - I don't want your bIoody car.

You know what I want.

He sent me this by mistake.

The poor, confused sod obviousIy doesn't know what he's about.

- '' Dear...'' - Well, go on, read it.

'' Dear, Harry, when you come home for the hoIs,

'' I'm afraid you're in for an unpIeasant llttIe surprise.

'' Daddy has gone to llve in London.

'' It's a Iong story and one day soon I wllI tell you about it.

'' Meanwhlle, you mustn't bIame your mother.

'' If you want to pIease your sllIy oId daddy, you wllI aIways honour her.''

HypocriticaI bastard.

I Iove him, and I'm not giving him up!

(SOBBING) Why couIdn't you have put him on the Board?

I'm running a business, not a charity.

- You're spollt. - I suppose I am.

Aye, I've spollt you.

Have you been unfaithfuI to him?

Yes.

Are you all llke that now, the young coupIes?

I suppose we are.

I've aIways Ioved you.

I've given you everything...

But I did want a son.

There's Harry.

He's nobbut a llttIe Iad.

I bought Joe for you. it's as simpIe as that.

You just wouIdn't face it.

Maybe you onIy took a mortgage out on him,

perhaps the freehoId comes higher.

(DOORBELL)

(SUSAN) May I come in?

Why not.

(DOOR CLOSES)

How are you?

I'm just on my way to Fortnum's for tea (!)

What do you mean, how am I?

Have you come here to gIoat?

No.

Your father's fixed it so I'm just about finished in London.

He hasn't llfted a finger against you here. I swear it!

Abe's not well. He's thinking of retiring.

Perhaps you can persuade him to settIe in the Bahamas.

I expect you couId stllI fit into a bikini.

- Don't make fun of me, pIease. - Why did you come here?

I wanted to see you. You're stllI my husband.

If it's about the divorce, I'm going to petition.

I've got grounds and I'm not of the oId schooI either.

What happened to us is commonpIace.

Barbara isn't my daughter. Is that commonpIace?

I lled to you! Of course, she's your daughter.

You stllI haven't toId me why you're here.

Harry's run away from schooI.

He's at home.

He needs you.

I want you back. Did that ever occur to you?

Has it worked out with Norah?

No.

I'm sorry.

You're what?

I'm pIeased, but I'm sorry too.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't entireIy bIame you.

Susan...

..do you think we can start all over again?

What's the aIternative?

That's some start.

We couId try for the chlldren's sake.

We're beginning to sound llke everybody eIse's parents aIready.

I thought we might have dinner together.

- Savoy? - Well, why not?

OnIy you're the one with the deaI to make this time.

You'll have to tell me what you want, Joety.

What is it you really want?

It's not a case of what I want, don't you see?

It's a question of what I'll settIe for.

I regret we'll have to study the Government's new tax proposaIs

before we can increase the advertising budget.

- I say Chairman's report be adopted. - I second it.

- All those in favour. - Carried.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

RaIph, I'm sorry if this appears to hit your department,

and I llke to think we all stroke together here.

- I'm not taking this Iying down. - Won't you ever Iearn?

He's onIy barks, that directive comes from Abe Brown himseIf.

I suppose you're right.

That'll be all, Miss Berryman.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

(CAR HORN)

(CAR HORN)