Original subtitles

Oh, I'm so bummed out. Hate to go to work

without being able to kiss a beautiful woman.

That, uh... (GASPS) Wait a minute.

- (LAUGHS) - There is one right here.

- Oh, you are, you... Morning. - Good morning.

- Yay. - Look at. Wait a minute.

Oh. Silver dollar pancakes.

All the breakables are gone out of the living room.

So my conclusion is our granddaughter is coming over.

- Yeah, she'll be here any minute. - Mm-hmm.

I get to spend the day with our little

Sarah-sweetie-squiggly squirmy-worm. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, just like the worm in the movie Tremors. Huh.

Uh, yeah, yeah, well,

she has been getting a little frisky, that one.

Yeah, a little frisky. She put all the ceramic mugs

in the dryer and turned the dryer on.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. She has been getting a little more, um...

Revved up? Crazy? Hannibal Lecter-like?

Uh, no. I was going to say "spirited".

- Yeah. - Do you think this is becoming a problem?

- Well... - Well, no, not for you, because you're going to work.

It kind of reminds me of Eve a little bit, right?

Remember when Eve was that age?

She didn't like the tree out front we just planted.

- Ugh. (LAUGHS) - We both loved that little tree.

She didn't like that tree.

Yup, she was a handful.

She spent half her childhood in time-out.

- And the other half trying to get into time-out. - Mm.

Well, you know what? You might be right.

I-I think maybe I need to set some firmer boundaries

for Sarah when she's here.

Yeah, that worked out real well with Eve.

- Yeah. - Timber! Cuts the tree down

- with a bowie knife. - I know. Ugh. Yeah.

God, I miss that kid.

♪ ♪

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -

(KAZOO PLAYING)

Sarah?

Sarah?!

Okay, four dollars. That's my final offer.

(PLAYS KAZOO)

(LAUGHS) Thanks for keeping an eye on her.

I left your laundry on your bed.

Could you go ahead and put that in my suitcase so I can move?

Oh, no. Has she been a bit much?

At one point, I was going to call the police,

but I didn't want to endanger them!

She's just a little girl.

Why don't you just tell her to stop?

Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, yeah, I couldn't think of anything

because someone was blasting the kazoo!

I'll-I'll handle this. Sorry. Sarah, honey?

Come here, Sarah. Listen.

Music time is over, all right,

and now we're going to read some books.

- Okay? - No!

- Yes. - No!

I've tried this. She never changes her vote.

All right, look, listen, sweetie, I mean it.

Music time is over so give me the kazoo. Come on.

- (PLAYING KAZOO) - Hey, Sarah? Hey, Sarah, stop!

Sarah, give me the kazoo.

(GASPS)

Oh, you just earned yourself a time-out, missy.

Oh. Come over here. Sarah!

I can still call the police.

- Ooh, that's pretty good. - Yeah.

What did you do? Tastes like a hot Popsicle.

It's, uh, my little secret.

Half coffee beans,

half jelly beans.

Please tell me, Joe, you're not making

that Easter candy coffee again, 'cause if you are,

you're fired.

Uh, hey, Mr. B, I was able to find that bottle of whiskey

you wanted me to pick up for Mr. Alzate.

- Thank you. - Um...

why is Ed getting whiskey?

For not being you.

It's celebrated throughout the world.

Oh, every year, Mr. Alzate

and Mr. B get each other gifts

to celebrate their business anniversary.

And every year, Baxter passes it off on Kyle.

I do the hard part... I decide it's got to be booze.

Otherwise, it would be booze.

All right, I'm gonna go pick that up and some jelly beans.

Mandy is in for a surprise.

You know, it's pathetic, okay?

Gifts are supposed to be personal.

They're supposed to mean something.

Like when I gave my mom...

the other half of this.

Could you please button your shirt?

People are eating food in here.

Joe's right. If you told me

to run an errand like that, I'd tell you to shove it.

- Would you? - Mm-hmm.

Morning, gentlemen. Morning, morning, morning.

Hey, Chuck, did you take care of the thing

with the thing for the guy?

You're not doing anything for Ed.

You'd tell him to shove it, wouldn't you?

Mm-mm. I have to do stuff for Ed.

If he orders something off the Internet

without me, we all get a virus.

Boo, hiss! You know, I thought

you guys were supposed to like each other, okay?

If you want to do something special, make something.

That's a present.

Hmm, a homemade present, uh-huh.

He's drunk. He's been drinking all morning.

I was just writing him up when you walked in.

Oh, well, I think it's nice.

Showing someone you care should take a little effort.

This took three years.

Sounds warm, Mikey. You know how much I love warm.

Come on, remember the first time you saw me cry?

'78... I made you a brass lure

out of a bottle cap.

I know exactly what I'm making for you, Mikey.

Chuck, cancel the thing with the thing for the guy.

Right? Yeah.

What the hell is this?

Hey.

It's your favorite daughter.

Well, it's one of my favorite daughters.

It was worth a try.

So, how was your day with Sarah?

You know what, it was great.

I think we came to a bit of a rapprochement.

Oh, my God. You taught her French?

- I can't wait to hear it. - No. No, honey.

No, no, no, I mean we-we came to an understanding.

Look, I feel like I've been making your job

as a mom a bit harder by letting her run wild

when she comes over here.

What do you mean? Where is she?

She's-she's just looking at books on the couch.

Well, geez, Mom, that's hardly running wild.

No, no, no, this was earlier.

She misbehaved, and I put her in a little time-out.

Oh, no. Sarah?

No, honey, it's okay.

Look, she's been a perfect little angel since then.

No, it's not okay, Mom.

- There needs to be an apology. - Honey,

it's over... she did the crime, she did the time.

Oh, it was only five minutes.

(SIGHS) Sarah, honey?

Is it okay to be mean to people?

- No, Mommy. - That's right. It never is.

And so...

Grandma has something she'd like to say to you.

What?

Apologize.

Me?

You put her in a time-out. Apologize to her.

I'm not going to apologize.

It's okay, Grandma.

What a beautiful, loving heart you have, my little angel.

She forgives you.

But I don't need to be forgiven.

Too late. She already did.

Okay, go get your jacket.

Mandy... (SCOFFS)

what I did was right.

When she misbehaves, she needs to know there are consequences.

Uh, no, the only thing she needs to know is that I love her.

And the only thing you need to know is this:

time-out is the opposite of love.

Mandy. Mandy...

Oh, you want to hear French? I got some French for you.

VANESSA: No, I don't know, I don't know.

It's something...

(GROANS)

- What's going on? - Hmm?

I'm sorry. I was trying to be quiet.

Well, I was trying to sleep.

- Looks like we both failed. - Mm.

It's this thing with Mandy and Sarah,

it's really bothering me.

I guess... what time is it?

This can't be right.

No, if you think about it...

- Honey, listen, can we just... - Um...

Don't turn the light on, please don't turn it, please...

- You know... - Okay, good,

now I'm totally awake. This is perfect.

Mandy didn't spoil Sarah when they lived here.

Uh-huh.

I mean, I-I'm not trying to take credit, um...

but when she left here...

I don't know. Uh, where are you going?

It's the middle of the night.

My prostate and bladder are going,

"Hey, make him think he can pee".

I can hear you.

Yeah, but I don't want to hear you.

So I'll aim for the side of the bowl.

(SCOFFS)

I'd be happy if you just got it in the bowl.

MIKE: What?

Yep, like sand

dripping through an hourglass if you know what I mean.

You know, ever since they moved there,

I bet, I bet Ryan has been brainwashing her

with his, with his trendy parenting techniques.

You know, like-like "no is a no-no" theory.

- (TOILET FLUSHES) - MIKE: Uh-huh.

So, um, so we're getting screwed up

by Ryan's absurd philosophies?

How-how crazy is that?

You know, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go talk to her.

(CHUCKLES) Right now?

No, honey, it's the middle of the night.

That would be rude.

And yet you woke me up for it.

(SIGHING)

Did you wash your hands?

Ah, didn't pee on them.

(MOUTH FULL): You wanted to see me, Baxter?

Yeah.

The etiquette school called.

They'd like you to teach a class.

You know, very funny, okay? When you figure out

another way to talk while eating,

let me know, will you, okay? We through?

No, no, no, where'd you come up with this idea

about handmade gifts? You know, I think that's why God

invented cash, so he wouldn't have to do this.

You know, I happen to know six cats in a castle

made of toilet paper rolls that would disagree with you.

Well, I happen to have three daughters

who would disagree with you. You know what they gave me

every year from their art class?

It was construction paper with macaroni

cemented all over it, right?

I have enough of that pasta around the house still

to feed an Italian village.

Okay, we've established you're a cold-hearted bastard.

What else do you want from me?

Hey, listen, I... I'm asking for some ideas

of handmade gifts. I've been looking at this list.

I can... How much for the thing around your neck?

It isn't hard, okay?

You need to be original, thoughtful,

and personal, okay?

Like a Steven Seagal movie.

Let's just pretend I could understand what you just said.

I don't have time for this.

I'm not Santa Claus.

Look, if you can't think of anything personal,

I don't know what to tell you, okay?

Uh, why don't you just give Ed a check?

That's not a bad idea.

I'm kidding. That's not a personal gift!

Listen, I'm saying it's a pretty good idea.

A-And thanks so much for letting me watch you eat.

It's been fun.

- Hey. - Hey.

Mandy will be right out.

Sarah likes us both to put her down for her naps.

And of course you do it because you love her.

Right.

Because if you didn't, that would be mean,

and it's not okay to be mean to people.

- I want to say yes? - No.

Sometimes we have to be mean because we love someone.

Sometimes being nice is the cruelest thing you can do.

You understand, Kyle?

I-It was just a nap.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

Your mom, she hates naps.

That's not what I was trying to say.

Did you tell him about what happened yesterday?

Yesterday? What happ... Oh.

Or is this, like, an opposite thing,

like, mean is nice and we're talking about tomorrow?

(MANDY LAUGHS SOFTLY)

No, it's nothing.

I put Sarah in a little time-out.

So? I put her in those all the time.

That kid is a handful.

MANDY: There. He's not upset.

Thanks for stopping by, Mom.

What... No, hey.

So-so you're okay with time-outs?

I mean, Ryan didn't tell you that you shouldn't?

Why would I listen to Ryan when I can learn from the parents

who turned out the most perfect woman on the planet?

Aw, that's so sweet.

Let's not ruin this moment by talking more.

Mandy, what's going on?

- Yeah, babe. - Oops, we woke up Sarah.

- I don't hear anything. - You don't hear that?!

SARAH: Daddy!

All right, now I do. I'll be right back.

(SCOFFS) What was that about?

Because I didn't want to have this conversation

in front of him.

Okay, all right, well-well, now he's gone.

I also don't want to have it in front of you.

Mandy, I-I'm your mother, I...

I-I love you. If something's bothering you,

just come on, just-just let me help.

Okay, if-if I tell you, will you drop it?

Yes.

Probably not, but...

You may have noticed that Sarah's turned

into a real handful.

Oh, yeah. Wow.

I just... I'm sorry.

That-that came out a little more strongly

than I-I wanted.

Well, she's really been pushing it with me lately,

and, I don't know, it just feels like

- we're fighting all the time. - Mm-hmm.

Well, that-that's normal for a mom.

Well, you know what's sick for a mom?

I really don't like my kid.

Okay, she is back down.

Uh, but I-I hear her crying!

SARAH: Daddy!

What? What do you mean, you don't like your daughter?

No... (SIGHS) Only sometimes.

I mean, it's not like she's an evil person.

- No, no. - You should hear her play the kazoo.

She's an angel.

Um, well-well, honey, when don't you like her?

Uh, mostly when she's doing something

that she's not supposed to and I tell her to stop

and then she tells me that she hates me.

She tells you she hates you?

No, but the tone in her voice is very mean.

All right, look, Mandy, honey, look, I-I know you think

you're very special, but I have some bad news for you.

This has happened to every mother that has ever lived.

My God.

- Why do people have kids? - (LAUGHS)

It's because we love our kids, even though,

even though sometimes we may not like them very much.

So there were times where you didn't like me?

Oh, honey. Especially you.

- I can see that. - Mm.

And it's only natural for kids to-to not like us.

I mean, I'm sure you felt that way plenty of times.

(LAUGHS): Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I didn't mean for that to come out

- as strongly as it did. - Mm.

Look, but the thing is, you don't want to stop

being a parent just because you might upset them.

Yes, I do.

Mandy, look-look, Sarah's your daughter,

so-so this is your decision.

If you want to be a good friend,

then you just, you keep doing what you're doing.

But if you want to be a good parent,

you really need to set some boundaries.

Is it okay if I don't really like you that much right now?

Okay, she is finally back down.

Boy, sometimes you really have to

lay the law down with that one.

I heard her already. Get off my back!

SARAH: Daddy!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

This-this is 35-year-old Scotch.

- Uh-huh? Oh, that's good. - Mikey gave it to me last year for our anniversary.

- Even wrote a poem on the note. - Yeah.

Yeah, and he spelled "anniversary" the Kyle way.

ED (LAUGHS): Yeah.

- Boys. This'll do it. - ED: Hey.

- Hey, Mikey. - Ed, happy anniversary,

uh, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah.

Eh.

Okay, this is going well.

- Maybe we should leave. - JOE: Oh, no, no.

I live to see Baxter humiliated.

It doesn't happen that often, so my life can be pretty empty.

So, Mikey, tell me, what did you come up with?

MIKE: Actually, I-I got this with Joe's help.

No, Ed, I had nothing to do with any of this.

It's a check.

I wasn't even here that day.

This is incredible.

I mean, he said it was, you know, my idea, so...

Okay, well, what-what am I missing?

Well, when I started Outdoor Man, things were...

slow.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Mikey wanted to be my partner.

And he was the smartest, hardest-working man I ever met,

so I said yes.

And I wrote him a check to buy into the business

and he tore the check in-in half.

Well, hey, I-I've got, I've got half a necklace.

I think you're half-drunk.

All I wanted from him was his word,

his smarts and his dedication. That's it.

"You can't put a price on that". That's what you said to me.

Yeah. So we spit in our hands and shook on it.

Back then you could do that without gargling hand sanitizer

and taking your temperature before you took your temperature.

- That was 30 years ago. - CHUCK: Mm.

I don't know if my gift can follow this.

You know, you don't need to. I was going through

all those boxes of, uh, memories in this place

and I think I... I think I'm good.

Wow, look at this, guys. Look at this.

Hey, uh, where do you want your conga drum, Mr. Alzate?

Oh, right-right over there... right there, my boy. Yes, yes.

I composed a little song for this occasion

- called "Mi Amigo Miguel". - CHUCK: Ah.

You know what that means? "My Lover Mike".

(SIGHS) Loosen your necklace.

You're not getting enough blood to your head.

So you wrote me a song. You know, before you get going,

I think we got to send you out for more booze.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ My amigo Miguel, he is so swell ♪

♪ So he won't go to hell, my amigo Miguel... ♪

CHUCK: Yeah.

Building blocks?

Are those for when Sarah gets here?

Uh, yeah, I know they're kind of old-school,

but all kids love playing with blocks.

Not me. My dad was a civil engineer.

It was less "playing" and more

"structural reinforcement analysis".

Well, I'm pretty sure

that's not what Sarah's gonna be doing with them.

No. What Sarah will be doing with them

is chucking them at our heads.

(MOUTHS)

Yay!

- There's my little honeybunch. - Hi, Grandma.

Hi, cutie-pie.

Yeah, are you ready to have some fun with Grandma today?

Yeah, Sarah and I had a big talk

about how to behave at Grandma's.

- Didn't we, baby? Mm-hmm. - Yes, Mommy.

And she is gonna be a good girl today, right?

- Yes, Mommy. - Yeah.

What a sweet little scrumble-bumble you are.

Oh. Why don't you go in the kitchen,

put your backpack down?

Then we're gonna play, play, play.

(QUIETLY): How's it going?

Pretty good. Yeah, she hasn't pushed it with me yet...

- Okay. - ... but I realize I have to hold the line when she does.

Uh, yes, you do. You imagine what would have happened

if your father and I didn't hold the line with Eve

and she wound up using her powers for evil?

(LAUGHS): Right. Hey, here she is.

Listen, I have an idea.

What if we put the easel outside and do a little painting?

Can I watch TV?

Oh, you know what, honey? Watching TV is no fun.

Don't you want to paint outside with Grandma?

No, I want to watch TV.

Uh, maybe no TV right now, honey. Okay?

(CARTOON MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, Sarah, honey? Mommy said no.

Sarah.

Mommy said no TV.

Now please turn it off and give the remote back to Grandma.

(TV TURNS OFF)

Okay, next time I want you to listen to me the first time.

- Do you understand? - Yes, Mommy.

Okay. Thank you.

Thank you for being a good girl.

Oh, I think it's okay to watch a little TV.

(LAUGHS): Hey!

I thought you were teaching me how to be a good mother.

I was.

Now I'm teaching you how to be a good grandmother.

Structurally perfect.

Go ahead. Try and break it.

Go ahead.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

If you've been watching these vlogs for the last ten years,

you probably feel like my friend, right?

And if you celebrate these words of wisdom

by clicking on a link and buying something,

- well, that feeling is mutual. - (DINGS)

But if you're just freeloading,

enjoying the wisdom without buying the cow,

I'm gonna have to reconsider our friendship.

Now this month only, if you purchase over $300

of high-end sporting goods, you qualify

for the Mike Baxter Best Friend Circle.

You might be thinking, wait a minute,

how can somebody have more than one best friend?

Well, I'm just that likable.

And truthfully, it's okay for multiple people

to think they're your best friend, right?

As long as none of those people are your kids,

because being best friends with your kid

is a formula for disaster.

Now, for most of you, it's pretty easy

not being friends with your kids because,

let's be honest, young people are terrible.

But do you know how hard it is not to be friends

with your kids when they're as awesome as mine?

My daughters?

Hell, I got a kid who's a fighter pilot.

Yes.

Because I did something right

and I didn't try to be her best friend.

She'll always look up to me.

Even when she's looking down at me

from 30,000 feet keeping us safe.

Damn, she's cool. Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -