All language subtitles for Last Man Standing Season 9 Episode 15 S09E15 09x15

Hey, Mike. Have you seen Kyle?

I swung by his desk

to tell him this new
knock-knock joke I heard

and he hasn't come in yet.

Well, maybe he knew that
you were gonna tell him

a knock-knock joke.

- (MURMURS)
- Hey. Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.

Couldn't find my keys, I almost died

and I forgot to set my alarm.

- What?
- W-Wait. But what happened, son?

I guess I fell asleep before I set it.

- Not the alarm. You said you almost died.
- ED AND KYLE: Yeah.

- All right, so I just stepped out of our new apartment...
- ED: Yeah.

... and this gorgeous butterfly flew by.

You would be the first
man to have been killed

- by a gorgeous butterfly.
- Yeah.

Well, no, no, I-I chased after it.

But a huge branch fell
right where I was standing

a split second before.

If not for that butterfly,

- I would have been killed.
- MIKE: Mm. Yeah, I remember

my first near-death experience
was, boy, someplace in Peru.

Thought I fell on a mountain.

We grabbed a rock at
the last minute. S...

- But, man, does that... That's life-changing.
- Mm.

I got right home. First thing I did...

made up a will.

ED: That reminds me of mine.

Yeah, the next day,

I went on a three-day bender in Mexico.

- (CHUCKLES)
- That was a near-death experience also.

But what a way to go.

Well, I think... I think the point is...

it's a good point... that, you know,

you're a growing family now, you know?

Might be a great time

for you to start doing
some estate planning.

- Huh?
- Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Estate?

What are we, Mr. and Mrs. Batman?

Just listen to the man. He knows
what he's talking about.

Knock-knock.

Oh, I love these.

You never know who's behind the door.

- Right.
- Who's there?

Batman's parents.

But they're dead.

And the only way the kid
could afford to be Batman

is because his parents made out a will.

'Kay.

His knock-knock jokes are kind of sad.

Yeah, I know.

But the good ones are happy. Come on.

I have a whole book of them. Come here.

- Knock-knock. Knock-knock.
- Who's there?

♪ ♪

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- www.addic7ed.com -

Hey.

I thought, uh, trail mix
would be the perfect snack

for estate planning.

Something about "trail"
and the path you're on.

I don't know. Just me?

Just you.

Well, I'm really glad
you got them to do this.

It's one of the grim realities
of being a parent,

even though it's gonna
be scary for them.

- Woo-hoo! Who's ready for some estate planning?
- Hey, guys.

Oh, you put out trail mix.

Because we'll be talking about our path.

Thank you, Kyle.

I feel seen.

- Well, thanks for coming over. And, um...
- Yeah.

... a lot of this information
is kind of uncomfortable,

- but it-it really needs to be read and heard, okay?
- No, yeah,

- no problem. We are ready. Right, babe?
- All right.

- Sure.
- MIKE: (CLEARS THROAT) Good.

Kinda.

Not really.

Oh. Hey, look, I get it.

Y-You don't want to think
about your spouse dying.

But-but, trust me, the
more you talk about it,

the easier it becomes.

Yeah.

How often do you talk about it?

This just isn't what
I-I thought it would be.

Well, yeah, they call
it estate planning,

but what you're really doing
is planning for when you die.

- (CHUCKLES) No version of this you come out alive.
- Nope.

It's okay, babe.

Just remember that when we do pass on,

we'll meet together in heaven again.

- Okay.
- A-And just make sure

to wear that red dress so
I'll be able to find you.

- Oh, the cute one with the bow?
- MIKE: Right.

- Guys. Guys.
- No, no, no, the strapless one

- with all the sparklies.
- Oh, my gosh, the sparkles.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Can we just focus here

- for just a minute, please?
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

But-but Kyle's right.
Go with the sparkly one.

I just don't like to think
about Mandy dying.

- VANESSA: Okay.
- Would it be easier

if we just talked about you dying?

Uh, depends.

Uh, how do I die? Was
I doing something cool,

like saving a bunch of animals
from a burning building or...

anything involving a bungee?

Right. Well, all signs
point to strangulation

in a comfortable chair.

VANESSA: Guys,

come on. You just... you're
not taking this seriously.

Come on. I know it's scary. It sucks.

But you're doing this for your...

for Sarah, for your daughter.

This is only in the
unfortunate circumstance

that both of you die.

You know, who's gonna take care of her?

- What's gonna happen to her?
- You need to find

a guardian for Sarah
that you both trust.

Somebody that would raise her

- the way you want her to be raised, okay?
- So...

I think maybe we should go home

and talk about this a little more.

Yeah. Yeah, I think so, too.

Thank you, guys.

Thanks.

All right, see you later.

- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- (EXHALES)

Really, how often do you
talk about me dying?

Oh.

There she is!

(LAUGHS) How's our newest
executive assistant?

So excited.

- And it's such a fancy title.
- Ooh.

Although the only other
title I've had is busboy,

which wasn't fancy or
biologically accurate.

Well, well, there's a lot less
chewed food in this gig.

Well, not none... but less.

I'm determined to do this job
better than anyone ever.

- Oh. Well...
- Got any tips?

Well, you know, it's always
helped me to, you know,

act like a Marine. (GRUNTS)

That probably worked for you
because you are a Marine.

Anybody could act like one.

Uh, Marines are respectful,

professional, focused,

uh, confident, effective,

cheerful in the face of death.

What happened to the
person I'm replacing?

(CHUCKLES)

Look sharp, Cadet.

- Yes, sir.
- (CHUCKLES) There you go.

So, as executive assistant,

is there anything I could do for you?

Well, um...

Whoa. Running low on paper clips.

- I'm on it, sir.
- Mm.

How many? Six? Seven?

Uh, a Marine would just bring the box.

Of course.

Just bring a box.

Think, Jen, think.

- Okay, Sarah's finally asleep.
- Ah.

Just read her the periodic table.

So, of course, now I'm jazzed. (LAUGHS)

Did she ask you why the
symbol for potassium is "K"?

I-I never knew that, either.

I don't know what that's all about.

- Uh, have you heard from Mandy and Kyle?
- Mm.

They should be finished with
our estate lawyer by now.

Yeah, just got a text from her.
Said "We're on our way.

We found the perfect couple
to be Sarah's guardians".

With the wink emoji.

You think they're talking about us?

Hey, she used the word "perfect".

Should we talk about it?

Un-Unless you don't care
one way or the other.

Oh, I care. I care. I care.

But-but do you care?

Oh, yes, yes. Very much.

- S-So, what are... what are you thinking?
- No, ladies first.

- Go. No, come on, come on.
- No, no, no, no, no. You go ahead. Go ahead. You go ahead.

What are we, kids? Listen.
All right, let's, uh,

- go on three together. Ready? One.
- Okay. All right.

- Two.
- Three.

I don't want to be Sarah's guardian.

- Ooh, wow. Wow.
- Oh, wow! Wow!

I thought we were gonna
do it at the same time.

- I can't believe you feel that way.
- (SIGHS)

I know. I'm... I am such
a horrible grandmother.

I'm so selfish. I... (GROANS)

- You must hate me.
- No, no, no.

Couldn't love you any more than
I do right now. I don't want

- to take care of Sarah. I don't want to be her guardian, honey.
- Oh, thank God.

- Oh, honey. Oh, good. Okay, okay.
- Oh, yeah.

- But we love her. I love her to death. So much.
- Yes. Oh, so, so much.

- Yeah.
- But, really, can you see us

- chasing that kid all over the house?
- No, no. No.

- I mean, wow.
- Oh, like a Tasmanian devil,

- throwing stuff around.
- Yeah.

- Touching all my tanks? No way.
- But-but...

- it's such an honor just to be chosen.
- Yeah, yeah.

You know, we got to get Mandy
and Kyle to pick somebody else.

- Well, it's easily done. We just use the age card.
- Okay.

- Yeah? Oh.
- We'll do the "things... everything's falling apart".

- You know? Come on. We can... we can play that.
- Okay. All right, all right.

- All right, just...
- Hello. We're back.

- Hi there.
- Hi. Hey. Hi.

Thanks so much for watching Sarah.

Well, watching her is one
thing, but hearing her...

Is she crying now? I can't
even tell because my...

Yeah, well, you know, and I
went up there to check on her...

And chased her around today.
Your knees. Are they all right?

- She's fine, but my knees are shot. Ow.
- She runs so fast.

Anyway, so you guys texted,
said you found the perfect

- guardians for Sarah?
- Oh, yeah, that's right.

- Um... um...
- Come on. It's Mark.

Mike! I don't even remember
my own name sometimes.

Yeah. And not just any guardians,

the best ones imaginable.

Yeah. You guys ready for this?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, if anything happens to us,

the people we've chosen
to care for Sarah are...

BOTH: Ed and Bonnie.

- Ed?
- Bonnie?

- SARAH (CALLING OUT): Mommy.
- Oh, Sarah's up.

We should get her home for dinner.

Hey, yeah, let's feed her

while she's still ours.

Hey. Oh, it's you. Is Kyle here?

Oh, I'm good, thanks.

Uh, yeah, he's picking up the
woodchipper that we rented.

We're gonna get rid of that
branch that tried to kill him.

Oh, and you think the wood chipper will

finish him off, huh?

Well, you know, it's not a
bad thing that you're here.

Mike Baxter said it's not
a bad thing that I'm here.

I will tell my therapist.

Oh, I think you have bigger fish to fry.

Listen, um...

did you know that Kyle and Mandy

picked Ed and, uh, Bonnie
to be Sarah's guardian?

- What? Really?
- Yeah.

We just assumed they would pick us.

Yeah. Kind of hurts.

You probably want to talk
to your therapist now, huh?

(EXHALES) Seriously.

Oh, you're mocking me.

Vanessa and I just found this out,

and we both think somebody should gently

tell them to change their mind.

You don't do "gently".

Probably should talk to
my therapist about that.

Oh, you-you see a therapist?

That's... Oh, you're mocking me.

- I really want...
- (CLEARS THROAT)

- Oh, hey. Yeah.
- Hey, Mr. B.

Hey, did you come to help?

Woody Woodchipper is all set up.

That's what I named the woodchipper.

No. As much as I love the
sound of a good woodchipper,

um, I'm actually impressed that
you two are doing this together.

Or did you invite Ed
over to help you out?

Oh, Mr. Alzate? No, no, today's the day

he paints watercolors.

Yeah, last week he painted horses.

Or it might have been dogs.

I don't know, they had legs.

Yeah, well, you know,
Ed's got a lot of hobbies.

You know, I think it's
the time in his life he...

he should have the ability
to enjoy those hobbies.

Oh, yeah, I agree.

Is this about the will?

Yeah. I mean, you picked
Ed. I don't know why.

Because he's the greatest man I know.

Second greatest.

Or tied. Ooh, don't do this to me.

Uh, could be a three-way
tie. Standing right here.

You've really given me
something to think about.

Oh, hey, and if you need
help thinking about it...

you know, someone who shares
your values and worldview...

I'm your man.

Oh, hey, my butterfly is back.

No, no, don't go near the chipper.

It's not a cave, it's
a tunnel of knives.

Kyle, the woodchipper's not on.

He doesn't know that.

Good afternoon, sir.

Check that. It's not quite 01200.

Good morning, sir.

- Jen? Hi.
- Yes, ma'am.

Oh. Oh, please don't call me that.

Reminds me of the first
time somebody did that.

I was only 18.

Granted, I was pushing a stroller.

That sounds like an
upsetting experience.

I hate that you had to
go through that, ma'am.

Well... Jen, what is going on with you?

Susan in accounting said
that you saluted her?

I mean, it kind of freaked her out.

Darn it. I knew that would seem
weird in the ladies' room.

Listen. Listen, Jen. Jen, listen.

Look at me. Look at me. It's okay.

I know that finding your place
here can be a little stressful.

You know what I do? Just
treat everyone like family.

Lovingly, but with a hint
of passive-aggressive

childhood resentment under the surface?

Not quite. Uh, no, I mean,

you know, friendly, familiar, casual.

- Okay.
- Okay. So, uh,

what would you say to me
if I just entered the room?

Hello, Kristin. Welcome to the room!

Okay. Okay, uh, maybe
a little more relaxed.

Okay. Uh...

Good afternoon, Kris.

Better. Uh, just really
loosen up. You know, just...

Uh... 'sup, girlfriend?

Hey, Ed, have you seen my chair?

It's under my butt.

Well, hose it off and
give it back to me.

Kyle said, after talking to you,

he and Mandy no longer
want me to be the guardian.

- So that's what this is about?
- Mm-hmm. You know,

him asking meant a lot to me, Mikey.

Yeah, taking care of Sarah,
which I do all the time.

You don't want any part of this.

Of course I don't. I'm not an idiot.

I already raised my own kids.

Well, so what are you mad about?

You know, I botched that job,
and my kids barely speak to me,

but when Kyle asked
me, it was almost like

somebody finally telling me
that I was a good dad.

I get it. Listen.

I-I did it 'cause I thought
I was doing you a favor.

All right, it's not your
fault, all right? It's...

What can I do?

You've known me a long time.
You know what I want.

- For me to drop it.
- Bingo.

Well, you've known me a long time,

and you know I'm not going to.

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.

We sell magic here.

Not the kind where big faces
in small rooms "ooh" and "ah"

as you guess their card.

I'm talking about the spell
that lasts generations.

There's nothing more magical for a kid

than his first hunting trip.

On mine, my dad gave me my first
drag on one of his Pall Malls.

(LAUGHS, COUGHS)

Yeah, that trip made me fall
in love with the outdoors

and guaranteed I'd never be a smoker.

Boy, that ad writes itself, doesn't it?

"Fresh mountain air got you down?

Here, suck on one of
these death sticks". Geez.

My favorite story from American
literature about passing down

the hunting tradition is
William Faulkner's "The Bear".

The mentor's name is Sam Fathers.

Gee, could you be more on
the nose with that, Bill?

But old Sam isn't little Ike's dad,

because the author understood

you don't have to be someone's father

to be a great father figure.

Faulkner was a very wise
man, even if he could never

get the hang of how to use a period.

That guy's stream of
consciousness is longer

than the wait at the DMV.

Well, maybe you've been lucky
enough to have someone

in your life who picked up the slack

where your own dad fell short.

These guys are the real heroes to me.

So here's to all the father figures,

stepfathers, uncles, coaches, teachers

and mentors who have filled that void

and helped shape lost young bucks

into the men who could
become great dads themselves.

And now for a little more magic.

Behold as I disappear.

Baxter... out.

- Hey, Chuck.
- Hey.

What happened to your chair?

I don't know.

And as head of security,
I find that embarrassing.

- Your papers, sir.
- Oh, great.

I encountered some resistance
with the copy machine,

but the situation has been handled.

Thank you, Jen.

Um, at ease?

Jen?

Oh, hey, Krispy-critter.
What's going on, boss lady?

- (LAUGHS) Jen.
- What's up, C-Note?

I mean... sir.

Are you okay?

I don't know. (PANTING)

I'm just trying to fit in.

Mr. Baxter gave me this job,
and I don't want to let him down.

- Chuck, you've been here a long time.
- Mm-hmm.

Have you ever seen my father
give anybody anything?

Well, he gives me crap all the time.

But only time he'll give you
a job is if you've earned it.

Jen, if he hired you to
be an executive assistant,

it means that he knew
you were ready for it.

It means he-he saw something in you.

Really? Like what?

I don't know. What do you think it was?

Well, I guess I'm smart,

and I have good judgment.

And people like me, and I'm honest.

Hey, I should just be myself.

- That's a great idea.
- (LAUGHTER)

I'm clever, I'm funny,

- I've got really cute shoes.
- Oh.

Yeah. We get it. (LAUGHS)

You ready to start over?

Yes, ma'am. I mean... Kris. Thank you.

- And thank you. Mr. Larabee.
- Mm.

Now, do either of you need anything?

No. I'm good.

I'd like to find the knucklehead
who took my chair.

Oh, I think Mr. Baxter has it.

I'm good.

Hey, I got a message I was
supposed to come to your office.

Not from me. I'm brooding.

Listen, Ed, you said you were
having a meeting about... ?

- What? You, too?
- Ah...

All right, something
weird is going on here.

Oh, good. All right, you're all here.

If this is an intervention,
I'm gonna need a drink,

and I drink alone.

All right, I brought you guys here

because I-I have a few
things that I wanted to say.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, what's with the note cards?

Oh, uh, sometimes when I get emotional,

I lose my train of thought, so
I've written some things down.

Oh, good. There's gonna be emotions.

- Mm.
- Okay.

All right, Mr. B, I-I watched
your vlog on father figures,

and I realized that
you were talking to me.

And-and when we finished
watching it, Mandy and I...

we sat down, and we
had a long conversation

about who would be the
best guardian for Sarah.

And we decided on you, Mr. B.

Oh, wonderful. That's
another punch to the gut.

Okay, can everybody get out
of my office now, please?

- Go.
- Now, hold on, son. Hold on. - Hang on.

- MIKE: Wait a minute...
- Hang on, Mr. B.

- We also decided on you, Ryan.
- Yes!

(CLEARS THROAT QUIETLY)

How nice of you

to make this announcement in my office.

We also decided on you, Mr. Alzate.

Yeah, that's t... Yes.

Are you sure that tree branch
didn't hit you in the head?

We want you all three
to be Sarah's guardians.

Hmm. Well.

If I'm...

I'm gonna look at the cards now.

"If I'm a good father at all,

it's because of the
three men in this room.

I love you all so much, and..."

Ryan, take the cards.
Take... Get the cards.

Okay.

- Come on.
- "I love you all so much,

and I know that I wouldn't
be the father I am today

(CRYING): if it weren't
for the influence...

... you all made in my life".

Give me the damn cards.

- Whoa.
- (MUTTERS): What kind of guys are these?

"This is the best way for me to honor

what you three amazing
fathers mean to me".

(CLEARS THROAT)

Three.

It's nice, Kyle.

So you and Kristin will
be the primary guardians.

- Yes!
- But then,

Mr. B, Mr. Alzate... you'll have a say

on all the big decisions.

Sounds like a plan.

- Hey, oh, let's go tell Kris, Okay?
- Yeah.

Ooh. Gonna need these cards.

- Hmm.
- He's a good kid.

Yeah, he is a good kid.

I watched that vlog you made for him.

I can see why he loved it.

Actually didn't make that for
him. I made that for you, Ed.

- For me?
- Yes, for you. Um...

you literally have been
like a father to me.

You really have, over these
years, and I wouldn't be

the man I am today
without... without you.

Mikey. One second here.

- Ah.
- Take your chair back.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Go
ahead. Just sit down.

I'll wheel you in. I'll wheel you in.

- Sit down. Say when.
- Give me a ride. Give me a ride. Go.

- Don't hit anything. This way. Go, go.
- Okay.

You're getting heavy. You getting fat?

Huh? Watch it. Watch
it. Watch the door... !

Okay. Sarah's finally asleep.

- Oh, thank you for putting her to bed, Mom.
- Oh.

You know, it usually takes us forever.

First, she wants a book,
then another book.

Then she wants some water,
and then I want some water.

Well, she's never fussy with me.

She usually just goes right out.

So you just read her
that chemical thingamajig?

- Yes. Yes, the periodic table.
- Well, how does it even work?

Well, I just start at
the beginning, and then...

I'll show you. Here.

Um, okay.

Uh, hydrogen.

First discovered by
Henry Cavendish in 1766.

Although, interestingly,

Robert Boyle produced
it as early as 1671.

Um, then next up is helium.

It's the lightest of the noble gases.

It holds one atomic orbital,
but we may run out of it

in 30 years, so get
used to your balloons

just laying on the carpet.

Even Sarah makes it to tellurium.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)

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