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'India, 1895.
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'The most precious gem
in the far-flung valley
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'of the great British Empire.
6
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:42,480
'Here, the British rulers
and their memsahibs
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00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,360
'enjoyed a life of luxury and ease,
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00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,960
'matched only by
that of the Indian Rajahs.
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'None more so than
Her Majesty's Governor
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'of the North-West Frontier
Province, Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond.'
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'For them, it was a rich life.
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'An endless round of receptions,
balls, ceremonial processions,
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00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:06,800
'tiger shoots,
and, of course, polo.'
14
00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,600
15
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,760
And who are we playing today,
Major Shorthouse?
16
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Kalabar Ravers, Your Excellency.
Top hole, top hole.
17
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,720
Pardon.
18
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,680
Who's the turban job on the throne?
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00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,240
You mean the Khasi.
20
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,440
That's Randy Lal.
21
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:36,800
Who?
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00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,360
Randy Lal, the Khasi of Kalabar.
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Ooh. How do you know he is, then?
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00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,080
How do I know he's what?
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00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,840
Randy.
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00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,040
That's his name.
27
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,360
Ooh!
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00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,160
He's very good-looking, isn't he?
29
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:57,160
Yes. Only the richest and most
powerful Rajah in Northern India,
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00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:58,240
that's all.
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00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,480
He's smiling at us.
Smile back.
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Co-ee!
33
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,640
You don't have to go raving mad.
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00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:08,760
My father, who are those people?
35
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:13,240
That, light of my darkness,
is Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond,
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00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,960
the British Governor,
whose benevolent rule
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00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:19,040
and wise guidance
we could well do without.
38
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:24,560
Oh, I
say, he's a charming man, isn't he?
39
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,880
Yes. I wouldn't trust him an inch.
40
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,640
Ooh, neither would I.
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00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:29,720
I didn't mean that.
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00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,760
You don't like this man, my father.
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00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:35,280
Light of my darkness, there is
no mountain in all of India
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00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:39,440
high enough from which to adequately
show my contempt of him.
45
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,960
Well, why do you smile at him
so favourably?
46
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,600
Because in these days of British
military supremacy
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00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:48,200
the Indian must be
as a basket with two faces.
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00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,040
I'll tell you something,
he'd like to massacre me
49
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,560
and every other Britisher in India.
50
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,240
Well, why do you keep smiling at him
like that for, then?
51
00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,520
Because, as a top-ranked
British diplomatist,
52
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,560
I'm as two-faced as he is.
53
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:04,520
54
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,760
Played, sir.
55
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,360
Well played, Philip.
56
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,680
He'll go far, that boy,
if he makes the right marriage.
57
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:18,840
Ooh, I say! He didn't half
crack that one, did he not?
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00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,920
Dearest, if you can't express
yourself in more elegant terms,
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00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,640
kindly shut your cakehole.
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00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:27,600
'And so the British carried on
with their carefree life.
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00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,600
'Little knowing that high in the
snow-capped mountains to the north,
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00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:34,800
'the spark was soon to be lit
that would set Kalabar ablaze.
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00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,400
'Here was the famous Khyber Pass,
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00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,640
'the gateway to India.
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00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:42,360
'This was a vital key point,
guarded night and day
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00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,600
'by a detachment of
the celebrated Highland regiment,
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00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,120
'the Third Foot and Mouth.
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00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,920
'Fearless fighting men,
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00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,280
'aptly referred to by the natives
"as ""the Devils in Skirts"".'"
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00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:54,920
Private Widdle!
Sergeant Major!
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00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:59,240
Private Widdle,
I know you're an ignorant 'nana,
72
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,360
but when you are ordered
to attention,
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00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,680
you are courteously requested
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00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:06,200
to stop shuffling
your flaming feet about!
75
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,760
I was only trying to keep warm.
76
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,000
Oh, so you're cold, are you?
77
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:14,040
Perishing. The way the wind
whistles up the Pass.
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00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,600
I'm sorry to hear that, Widdle.
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00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,920
Maybe you'd like me to get you
a hot water bottle?
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00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,880
Oh, how very kind.
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00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,040
As a matter of fact,
I already have one.
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00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:26,640
And what, may I ask, is that thing
doing in there?
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00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,640
It keeps my dangler warm.
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00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:30,680
Give it here!
85
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:34,200
For the last time,
stop calling it a dangler!
86
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,040
It's a sporran!
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00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,080
Yes, Sergeant Major. Sorry.
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00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,800
Look at you, Widdle.
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00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,600
A Devil in Skirts
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00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,520
You look more like an Angel in Pond!
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00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,760
Silence!
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00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,800
You're not much better, any of you!
93
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:52,320
I've seen better-equipped men
guarding a harem!
94
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,280
That's not funny, Widdle!
95
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,800
You're a disgrace to the regiment.
96
00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,200
I didn't ask to be
a Devil in Skirts!
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00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,440
Maybe you're right, Widdle.
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00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:05,480
You're too good for the likes of us.
99
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,280
You deserve a bit extra.
100
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,120
Oh, do you really mean that?
101
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,200
Yes. And we'll start off with
four hours extra guard duty!
102
00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,840
Oh, Bungdit Din, there is a guard.
103
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:36,080
We cannot go through.
Only one man, Stinghi.
104
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:39,440
One Devil in Skirts is enough.
You know they are invincible.
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00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:44,040
If we fight, maybe.
But there is always bribery.
106
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,240
What have we got to bribe them with?
107
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:49,800
Don't you know what British soldiers
are always looking for abroad?
108
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,840
Yes, but where are we going to get
a bint up here?
109
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:55,080
No, no, no, no, no. Souvenirs.
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00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:59,600
I'll offer him my weapon
if he'll let me go through.
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00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,720
A-ha.
112
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,480
Halt! Who goes...?
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00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,560
Who goes erm...?
Oh, what's the word?
114
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:13,720
There.
Oh, thank you.
115
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,760
Who goes there?
I go there.
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00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:18,640
Very good friend. Oh. Advance,
friend, and give the password.
117
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,520
With pleasure, sir. What is
password, please? Pomegranate.
118
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,560
Very good. Pass, friend.
119
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:25,600
Hey, just a minute!
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00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,040
You're supposed to give it, not me.
121
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:28,840
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
122
00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:30,600
I'm just stupid, ignorant Burpa.
123
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,480
Oh no, you don't. Stay where you
are, I've got you covered!
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00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,440
Oh. Just a minute. Covered.
125
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:38,400
Oh, no, no, no, sir.
No need for antagonism.
126
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,080
I have a present for you here.
Oh...
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Very good Indian scimitar.
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00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,840
Can cut men in two with one stroke.
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00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,320
What did I do?
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00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,680
I wonder...
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00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,600
Now we know.
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00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,000
You speak truly?
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00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,840
The Devil actually wore this garment
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00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:12,000
beneath his skirts?
I swear it, Highness.
135
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,120
Did I not remove it
with my own hands?
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00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,200
You did well, Bungdit Din.
137
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,320
It was not difficult, Highness.
138
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,280
It was only held up
with a bit of elastic.
139
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:23,920
No, no, no, no,
my beautiful warrior!
140
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,800
I mean you did well to discover it.
141
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:30,720
For many, many years now
they have led us to believe
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00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,680
that the Devils wore nothing
beneath their skirts
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00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,040
and we have feared them according.
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00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,880
But now...
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00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,160
I do not understand, my father.
146
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:41,800
What is there to fear from a warrior
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00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,800
who wears nothing
underneath his skirt?
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00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,360
Oh, my child, you have not made war,
149
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:49,200
but think how frightening
it would be
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00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:54,760
to have such a man charging at you
with his skirts flying in the air
151
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,960
and flashing his great big bayonet
at you!
152
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,480
It is true.
153
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:00,840
But who can be afraid of men
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00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,720
who wear such a ridiculous thing
beneath their skirts?
155
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,480
Precisely.
And when our people learn of this,
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00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,880
they will rise up and drive
the British out of Kalabar!
157
00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:28,520
Left, right, left, right, left,
right, left, right, left, right...
158
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:35,600
Left, right, left, right, left,
right, left, right... halt!
159
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:39,640
Left turn! Headgear in hand! Brace!
160
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:40,960
Give name, rank, and number!
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00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,600
Private Widdle, J.
36360.
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00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,400
Sah!
Sah!
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Well now, what's the charge,
Sergeant Major?
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00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:51,680
Gross dereliction of duty resulting
in loss of Government property, Sir.
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00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:53,160
What Government property?
166
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,640
Underpants, woollen.
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00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,240
Privates for use of, one, Sir.
168
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:59,520
And how did he manage that?
Where were they?
169
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,840
I regret to report they
were on his person, Sir.
170
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:06,040
What? You mean to say
he was actually wearing them?
171
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,600
Yes, Sir. About his lower person,
Sir.
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00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,440
Good Gad. How could you, Widdle?
173
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,760
I felt the cold, Sir.
174
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,680
That's no excuse, man.
175
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:19,760
The Third Foot and Mouth never wear
anything under the kilt.
176
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,280
It's part of our glorious tradition.
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00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,120
Look at our motto -
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00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,360
Always ready for action.
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00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,080
But if we're not allowed
to wear them,
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00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:29,640
why do they bother to issue them?
181
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,400
There are two specific occasions
when the wearing of underpants
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is permissible, Widdle.
183
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:36,920
One - church parade,
two - gymnastic display.
184
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:40,480
And only then when
there are to be ladies present.
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00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,400
Really, Widdle, you shock me.
186
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,680
Wearing them is bad enough,
but losing them?
187
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:49,000
Er, beg pardon, sir.
I didn't exactly lose them.
188
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,080
They were ripped off.
189
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,200
Ripped off? By whom?
190
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,880
I didn't catch his name.
Er, but he was a huge Burpa.
191
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,560
You mean to say that a native knows
you were wearing underpants?
192
00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:00,360
This is more serious than I thought.
193
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,400
We must see His Excellency
rightaway.
194
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:03,920
Follow me.
Headgear on!
195
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:07,120
Left turn! Quick march!
196
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,520
Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right...
197
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:14,840
Left, right, left, right, left,
right, left, right... halt!
198
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:17,440
Major Shorthouse. Yes?
I must see the governor rightaway.
199
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,880
I can't disturb him now, Captain.
200
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:20,760
He's with the memsahib,
having a bit of tiffin.
201
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:25,240
Ooh, that is awkward. However, it is
a matter of the utmost urgency.
202
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,480
Well, I'll see if they've finished.
203
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:33,040
You can't come in!
204
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,280
Certainly not, Sir,
but Captain Keene's here to see you
205
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:36,720
on a matter of the utmost urgency.
206
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,640
Oh, all right. Just a minute.
207
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,120
Just coming.
208
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,360
Now what is it? You know how I hate
being interrupted in mid-tiffin.
209
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:47,720
I know, Sir. I'm terribly sorry.
210
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,360
That's all very well,
211
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,640
but it's not often the mem and I
get the chance these days.
212
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:54,720
When we were in Calcutta, we had it
twice a day together. Regularly.
213
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,520
I'm afraid it's my fault,
Your Excellency.
214
00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:00,160
All right, I expect she'll keep it
warm. What's so urgent?
215
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,960
Your Excellency, I regret to report
216
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,520
there's been an incident
at the Pass.
217
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,480
There's always incidents at passes.
218
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,640
You've only got to make a pass
and you're in trouble.
219
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,240
I'm afraid this was no
ordinary incident, Sir.
220
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:14,560
If you'd just listen to
Private Widdle's story.
221
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:17,640
All right, make it quick.
Right. Sergeant Major.
222
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,720
Private Widdle!
Four paces forward... march!
223
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,320
Left, right, left, right, halt!
224
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,000
Left turn!
225
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,120
Headgear in hand!
226
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,160
Brace!
227
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:33,160
Story... from the beginning! Begin!
228
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,720
All right, God blimey!
229
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,480
You don't have to make
a full-scale tattoo out of it!
230
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:38,920
OK, get on with it, Widdling.
231
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,800
Erm, Widdle, Sir.
232
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,600
All right, Widdle, then.
But get on with it.
233
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:45,880
Well, Sir, I was on guard duty
at the Pass
234
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,760
when this huge Burpa
suddenly appeared in front of me
235
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:50,360
and pulled it out.
236
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,480
Pulled what out?
237
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,880
His, erm, sword thing.
238
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,400
Oh.
239
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,640
Go on, then. Well, Sir,
the next thing I remember
240
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,600
is coming to, lying on the
ground... and they were off.
241
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,760
They were?
242
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:04,920
Blimey, that's rough.
243
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,840
He means his underpants were off,
Sir.
244
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,280
Quite! Underpants? But you fellas
don't wear 'em.
245
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,920
No, Sir. But Private Widdle did.
246
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,160
If the natives ever get to hear
of this, Sir,
247
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,720
it will completely destroy
our reputation for toughness.
248
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:19,000
He's right, Sir.
249
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,600
A little thing like this could start
a full-scale rebellion.
250
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,760
Hardly, Shorthouse. The massacre of
thousands of innocent people.
251
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,000
The end of British rule in India.
Rubbish, Shorthouse.
252
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:28,320
The finish of a cushy job for you.
253
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,960
Quite right.
We'll have to do something.
254
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,520
Sir, our only hope now is
to try and scotch the rumour
255
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,640
before it spreads too far.
256
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:37,840
You're right. Absolutely right.
257
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:39,800
I will go
and see the Khasi personally.
258
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,240
This calls for a spot of
top-level diplomatic bluff.
259
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,560
The sort of thing that made our
empire what it is.
260
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,680
We're not called John Bull
for nothing.
261
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:49,560
Thank goodness for that. Now
perhaps we can finish our tiffin.
262
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:52,200
Later. I've got something
very important to do. What?
263
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,080
I've got to go to the Khasi.
You should have gone before tiffin.
264
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,600
The Khasi of Kalabar.
Ooh!
265
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,760
Ooh! Can I come too?
Can you come too?
266
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,000
Haven't we got enough trouble
without you coming along
267
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,240
opening your big mouth
and shoving your flat foot in it?
268
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:06,440
Oh, that's very nice
269
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,240
It never occurs to you I might be
able to help in these matters. How?
270
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,320
I have heard that the Khasi is
very susceptible to beautiful women.
271
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,040
Yes, well, so am I. Look what
I finished up with.
272
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:19,000
Oh, very funny! You may not realise
it, Sidney Ruff-Diamond,
273
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,560
but there are hidden fires in me.
274
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:21,640
Hidden fires?
275
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:24,400
There might have been once,
but now you're just full of clinker.
276
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,560
It's only because you never bother
to - Oh, shut up.
277
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,160
Tell Shorthouse
to call me an elephant.
278
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,520
He needn't bother,
279
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,520
I will - you're an elephant!
280
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:33,600
281
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:54,400
Highness, the Governor
is on his way.
282
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:58,480
Ah! I thought it would not be long
before he came.
283
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:02,080
Return to your quarters,
oh warmers of my feet.
284
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:06,600
Not you, oh light of my darkness.
285
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:11,640
I want you to stay and witness the
discomfiture of the British pigs.
286
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:12,760
Yes, my father.
287
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,120
I do wish
you wouldn't keep doing that.
288
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:18,720
Rank stupidity!
289
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,280
His Excellency,
the Governor of Kalabar.
290
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,680
FANFARE
291
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:43,960
Your Excellency. Your presence
enriches my humble home.
292
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:48,400
May the benevolence of the god Shivu
bring blessings on your house.
293
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,280
And on yours.
294
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:55,240
And may his wisdom bring success
in all your undertakings.
295
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,240
And in yours.
296
00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:01,240
And may his radiance
light up your life.
297
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:02,680
And up yours.
298
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,000
Your Excellency is most kind.
299
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:10,680
May I have the honour to present
my daughter, the Princess Jelhi?
300
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:14,520
An appropriate name for one
set in so perfect a mould.
301
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,000
302
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,640
Oh, here. I must beg Your Excellency
303
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:22,640
not to lavish too much
of his excruciating wit on us.
304
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:25,920
Yes. May I present Captain Keene,
Sergeant Major Macnutt.
305
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,000
I have already seen Captain Keene
on the polo field.
306
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,480
He is very pretty.
307
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:35,320
Thank you, Princess.
I have also seen you.
308
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,120
You are very pretty, too.
309
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,760
Thank you.
You would like to embrace me?
310
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,120
Not yet. Not before tiffin,
daughter.
311
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:46,040
Gentlemen, please be seated.
312
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:50,560
Jelhi, serve our honoured guests.
313
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:54,360
And how is Her Most Gracious
Majesty, Queen Waterloo?
314
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,400
Victoria.
Oh, yes, of course. Silly me.
315
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,360
I never can remember.
She's well.
316
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:00,920
I had a postcard from her
the other day.
317
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:04,600
She sent you all her love.
Oh! She is most generous.
318
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:08,040
I must make her another gift.
Some more elephants, perhaps?
319
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,240
I wouldn't do that, Your Highness,
no more elephants.
320
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,840
Buckingham Palace
isn't all that big,
321
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,560
and they need a lot of clearing up
after.
322
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:15,280
If you say so.
323
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:20,000
But in India, the more elephants
a man has, the higher his standing.
324
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,560
Yes. And the higher his rhubarb.
325
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,640
326
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:27,160
327
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,680
Jelhi.
328
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:33,200
Yes, my father? It is not proper
for one of such high caste
329
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:37,120
to be making the eyes of the cow
at the rear end of a horse.
330
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:40,280
Not even when his smile shines
like the very sun of the heavens?
331
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,000
Not even when it shines like
the very seat of the trousers.
332
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,920
Go to the women's quarters and
pay your respects to your mother.
333
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,120
Which one is she again?
334
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,000
Oh, how many more times?
335
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,040
She with the hair
like burnished copper
336
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,280
and the eyes as green as emeralds.
337
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,320
And No.32 stamped on her back.
338
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:06,040
I see Your Excellency
is admiring my trophies.
339
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,880
Yes, they're really something
to be proud of.
340
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:09,600
Come and take a closer look.
341
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:12,200
It has taken me many
years to collect them.
342
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,440
Very impressive.
Very, very impressive.
343
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,800
I'd even go so far as to say
you're a bit of a shot.
344
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,840
I hope I heard you correctly.
You did.
345
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,320
I have a more recent one over here
346
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,240
which I think will interest
Your Excellency.
347
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,960
Yes, very interesting.
348
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,000
As a matter of fact,
349
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,080
it reminds me of what I've come
to speak to you about.
350
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,760
Oh? I don't know if Your Highness
has heard it or not,
351
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,480
but there's a ridiculous rumour
circulating to the effect
352
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,040
that the fearless soldiers
of the Third Foot and Mouth,
353
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:43,480
the dreaded Devils in Skirts,
are wearing garments such as those
354
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:47,120
underneath their kilts.
Really?
355
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:50,240
How absurd.
Is it true?
356
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,600
Is it true?
You hear that, chaps?
357
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,280
He wants to know if it's true.
Of course it's not true.
358
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:57,200
There was one man wearing them,
I believe,
359
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,200
as a form of self-punishment.
Self-punishment?
360
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,440
They are made of coarse wool,
you understand.
361
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:05,040
As they say in England,
they tickle the fancy.
362
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,480
Very funny!
Isn't that funny?
363
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:11,240
I didn't have the old Oxford
education for nothing, you know.
364
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,440
No. Anyway, Her Majesty
was most displeased
365
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:14,880
when she heard about this rumour,
366
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,840
but thought that a word of denial
367
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,320
from a man of your
influence and power...
368
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:20,400
Well, of course.
369
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:24,280
I should not like to upset Her
Most Gracious Majesty, Queen Euston.
370
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,720
Victoria.
Yes, of course. I am so sorry.
371
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:31,840
Well, truly, I would be most pleased
to deny this rumour to my people.
372
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,720
Oh, that's good. That's that, then.
373
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,480
If, of course, it could be proved
to me
374
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,440
that the other soldiers
don't wear them.
375
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:40,320
Eh? Oh. Yes, well, why not?
376
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,320
Rightaway.
377
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,760
Captain Keene?
378
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,560
Your Excellency. You heard.
His Highness wants proof.
379
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,520
Hm. Yes.
380
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,840
Sergeant Major.
381
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:54,440
Sir.
382
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:55,560
You may have the honour.
383
00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,960
I'd rather not, Sir.
384
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,240
Rather not? That's an order.
385
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,320
386
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:10,600
So am I!
387
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:11,960
Oh, no...
388
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,920
389
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:20,320
The indignity of it! I've never been
made to look such a fool in my life!
390
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,440
How could you do it to me?
I... I'm terribly sorry, Sir.
391
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,080
I... I had no idea you'd want us
to demonstrate.
392
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,800
What are you wearing them for,
anyway?
393
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,280
Great big tough men like you,
it's disgusting!
394
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:34,400
But they're not woollen ones, Sir.
I had them made here.
395
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,880
They're Indian silk.
396
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,480
Silk? Silk?!
397
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,600
Can you imagine what they'll say
when it gets out
398
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:43,600
that the commander of the Devils
in Skirts wears silk knickers?
399
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,120
I would like to say,
Your Excellency,
400
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,560
that I am only wearing them
from a sense of duty.
401
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:51,440
Duty? Yes, Sir. You see, they were
hand-knitted for me by my mother.
402
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,160
I don't care if they were
hand-embroidered by your father!
403
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,360
He did the flowers.
Flowers? Flowers!
404
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,320
It's getting worse.
405
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,840
It's like a horrible canker
spreading right through the Army.
406
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,960
Who knows how far it's gone.
None of the other men wear them.
407
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,080
That is correct, Sir.
408
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,480
The men respect the tradition
of the regiment.
409
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:11,480
Do they? Well, there's only one way
to find out.
410
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,520
411
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,760
Parade! Parade, atten...shun!
412
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:26,560
Parade ready for inspection, Sir.
413
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,160
Carry on, Sergeant Major.
414
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:33,920
Parade ready for inspection, Sir.
415
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:37,040
The area been cleared of spectators?
Yes, Sir.
416
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,360
Men haven't been warned
the purpose of the inspection?
417
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,800
No, Sir.
Carry on, Captain.
418
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,840
Thank you, Sir.
419
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,040
Carry on, Sergeant Major.
420
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,880
Now listen carefully, men.
421
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:49,600
This is a new drill.
422
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,120
On the word of command,
423
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:56,240
the hem of the kilt will be
grasped firmly in both hands.
424
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:00,080
Kilts...grasped!
425
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:04,600
Right.
426
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,520
Now on the next word of command...
427
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,920
the hands will be brought smartly up
to the level of the shoulder.
428
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,800
Parade...
429
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,440
Still keeping a tight hold
of those kilts...
430
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,960
..hands...raise!
431
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,880
432
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,040
433
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:34,560
Oh, my dear Lady Ruff-Diamond.
434
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:38,520
It is truly a very excellent
photographic reproduction.
435
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:40,560
I thought you might be interested.
436
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:43,120
I've heard all about the incident
of Private Widdle
437
00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:47,400
and his, pardon my blushes,
underpants.
438
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,200
Yes, indeed.
439
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:52,320
But as it is such very excellent
anti-British propaganda,
440
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:56,720
I can't help wondering, dear madam,
why you have brought it to me?
441
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,320
Can't you guess?
442
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:01,600
I thought perhaps if I did
something nice for you,
443
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,760
you might do something nice for me.
444
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,960
Ah, I understand.
445
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:10,160
You scratch my back
and I will scratch yours?
446
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,760
Ooh, that might be interesting
for a start!
447
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,320
But my dear madam,
448
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,120
even if you were to allow me
to keep this,
449
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:20,160
what would you expect in return?
450
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,720
Rubies? Emeralds?
451
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,680
Oh, no - Well, afterwards perhaps.
452
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:26,720
After what, dear madam?
453
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,880
Look, can you not tell from
the quickness of my breathing?
454
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:32,840
The heaving of my bosom?
Hot flush on my cheeks?
455
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:36,640
You are perhaps requiring
the Indian herbal laxative?
456
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:38,600
No, I had that last week.
457
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:39,880
Ever since I first saw you,
458
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:41,880
I haven't been able to get you
out of my mind.
459
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,800
I lay awake at night, thinking
of your strong arms around me,
460
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,920
your...hot lips on mine
461
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,600
and our bodies entwined
in Oriental passion.
462
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:55,240
Yes, yes, yes.
But what is it that you want?
463
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,040
Oh, stone the crows. Do you want it
or don't you?
464
00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:01,800
Oh, yes, most certainly, dear madam.
Then take me with it.
465
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:03,680
Take you -
466
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,920
Oh, I see...
467
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:07,200
Not before time.
468
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:10,160
But you drive an impossible bargain,
dear lady.
469
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:11,560
I do not make love.
470
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,040
You don't?
471
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:18,080
No. I am extremely rich, I have
servants to do everything for me.
472
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,600
Well, that's put the tin hat on it,
ain't it?
473
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:25,720
But perhaps in your case I might
be willing to make an exception.
474
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,840
Oh, Randy Lal...
475
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:31,960
I must take this immediately to show
to my warriors in the hills.
476
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,160
And then I will return
to attend to you, dear lady.
477
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:38,160
Oh, no, you'll attend to me first,
if you don't mind.
478
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,080
But I must take that with me now.
479
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:41,400
Then take me with it.
480
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:42,760
But what about your husband?
481
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:44,320
Oh, we don't want him!
482
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:47,080
Will he not be displeased
that you've come away with me?
483
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,400
Oh, of course.
484
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,920
Oh, poor Sidney. He'll be so upset.
485
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,080
Do not worry unduly.
486
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,800
Before many days, he and the others
will all be dead.
487
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,600
Oh, well, that's all right then,
innit?
488
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,080
489
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,200
Captain Keene!
490
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,400
Princess Jelhi.
What are you doing here?
491
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:19,200
I've come to warn you,
you must leave India immediately.
492
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:21,480
Leave India? Why?
493
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,160
My father,
he's planning an uprising.
494
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:24,480
He will kill all the British.
495
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:26,600
What?
I mean, what?
496
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:29,000
You must believe me. It's true.
497
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,640
I have to go now before I'm missed.
498
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,520
But for my sake, please leave.
499
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:37,360
Why for your sake?
500
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:41,160
Because I love you.
501
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:43,960
She loves me...
502
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,240
Yes?
503
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:53,920
Captain Keene's here to see you,
Sir. Oh, good.
504
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:55,400
Is Her Ladyship back yet?
505
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,840
No, Sir. She said she was going to
the hairdresser.
506
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,520
Oh. Well, I hope she's not
having it off. Send him in.
507
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:05,240
Captain, I'm glad you came.
508
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:07,000
I want you to post
an immediate order.
509
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,160
As from now, any of your men
caught wearing underpants
510
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,120
will be liable for immediate
court martial.
511
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:15,080
Oh. But it's purely tradition, Sir.
512
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,160
I don't think we can force them
not to wear them.
513
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,240
Oh, yes, we can.
I've got it right here.
514
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:21,160
Army regulation 74B.
515
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:24,320
"On tropical service, all ranks
must keep their personal equipment
516
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:25,920
free from dust and rust."
517
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,440
"And to avoid damp rot,
open to free circulation of air."
518
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,600
There we are, I think
that should cover it.
519
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,920
Or rather, uncover it.
520
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:37,000
Hm. I'm afraid it's too late anyhow,
Sir.
521
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,560
What do you mean too late?
I've just seen Princess Jelhi, Sir.
522
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:42,040
She's told me that her father
has got a photograph
523
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:43,200
of the inspection parade.
524
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:44,520
You mean with their things up?
525
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,720
Yes, I'm afraid so, Sir.
526
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:50,240
He's going to use it to incite
his people to revolt.
527
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:51,960
Who's responsible
for this treachery?
528
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:54,800
Who took that photograph?
I'll nail him to the flagpole!
529
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:59,240
I... I'm rather afraid, Sir, it...
it was Lady Ruff-Diamond.
530
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,920
What, the mem? I don't believe it.
531
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:05,920
It's true, Sir. The Khasi has taken
her and the photograph to Jaksi.
532
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:07,240
Who?
533
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:08,400
Jaksi, Sir.
534
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,200
It's a hill town
just across the border.
535
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:12,240
Stronghold of Bungdit Din
and his Burpas.
536
00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:13,960
Oh.
537
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,160
Well, I suppose we'd better go
and rescue her.
538
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:23,080
Er, I'm sorry to say, Sir, that
Her Ladyship did not go unwillingly.
539
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:26,280
Oh, nonsense. Her Ladyship
always does everything unwillingly.
540
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:27,920
I should know!
541
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,520
Sir, you must prepare yourself
for a shock.
542
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:34,720
According to the Princess,
Her Ladyship is...
543
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:36,440
enamoured of the Khasi.
544
00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:41,640
Oh, no. No, not that. Not that.
545
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,480
Do try and keep a stiff upper lip,
Sir.
546
00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:45,440
I'm trying, Captain,
but I just can't help it.
547
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:46,840
The thought of them together...
548
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:50,200
Her lying in his arms,
slobbering all over her.
549
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:52,640
I just can't help feeling sorry
for the poor berk.
550
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:54,160
Sir, with your permission
551
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:56,320
I would like to get her
and the photograph back.
552
00:27:56,320 --> 00:27:58,240
But Jaksi's
outside our jurisdiction.
553
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:03,040
I think a few of us disguised as
Burpas might well pull it off, Sir.
554
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:04,160
Damn risky.
555
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,600
But it would be worth it
to get that photograph back.
556
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:09,760
Yes. We might even get
Her Ladyship back for you, sir.
557
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:11,280
That's a chance I'll have to take.
558
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:13,880
Jaksi's over the border. You'll
never get there without a guide.
559
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:16,600
I know of a guide, Sir.
You do? Yes, Sir.
560
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:18,960
A missionary in the town -
Brother Belcher.
561
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:21,880
Belcher, eh? He should make
a good Burpa, anyway.
562
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:23,920
Cor, blimey.
563
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:27,920
Do you think he'll help? Probably
not, Sir, in the ordinary way.
564
00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:31,120
But I think I know
a way of persuading him.
565
00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:35,160
Repent ye before it is too late!
566
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:38,960
Leave the primrose path
of sin and wickedness
567
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:44,200
and enter into the fold,
along with all the other poor sheep.
568
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,320
Brothers and sisters,
569
00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:53,520
I say unto you, worldly goods
are a curse and an abomination.
570
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:55,160
Money is a burden.
571
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:59,200
Let me relieve you of that burden.
572
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:02,160
Don't pick your nose
in the congregation.
573
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:03,440
Thank you.
574
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,320
Get out of it!
575
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:10,040
Oh, there is no profit
in worldly goods.
576
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:15,040
No, no. Nor is there joy to be found
in wanton wallowing
577
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:18,720
in pleasures of the flesh.
578
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:25,160
Let not the painted houri lure you
with lustful embraces.
579
00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:29,920
Nor let their kohl-fringed eyes
lure you...
580
00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:32,160
..lure you...
581
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:55,600
582
00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:02,720
Fight the good fight, brothers!
Wahey!
583
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:10,520
Hey!
584
00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:11,720
Hey!
585
00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:12,840
Brother Belcher.
586
00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:14,400
587
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:16,360
Captain Keene.
588
00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:22,480
I was, er, just giving
this young lady some moral guidance.
589
00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:26,640
I don't think you could teach her
a great deal, Brother Belcher.
590
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:29,080
You're right there, Captain Sir.
591
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:33,040
No, please don't get the...
don't get the wrong idea, Captain.
592
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:37,560
I wouldn't get the wrong idea,
Brother Belcher.
593
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:39,720
Get off! Get off or
I'll give you one -
594
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:42,000
Oh, what am I saying?
595
00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:46,760
She does want it badly.
Moral guidance, I mean.
596
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:50,040
Er, yes. Well, you just
give it to her, Brother.
597
00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:53,720
I'm, er, sorry we barged in.
598
00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:58,280
Captain Keene, Sir.
A word in your ear.
599
00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:00,120
Captain Keene, Sir!
600
00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:03,080
I did well, yes.
You did very well.
601
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:06,440
Here.
602
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:13,640
Captain, look, if this got about,
people might misunderstand,
603
00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:16,080
and I don't want to spoil
my public image, do I?
604
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:19,640
No, of course not, Brother.
Don't worry, we won't tell anyone.
605
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:22,320
Ah, spoken like a right Christian.
606
00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:23,400
Provided, of course,
607
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:25,920
you're agreeable to do
a little something for us.
608
00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:27,960
Certainly, brothers, certainly.
609
00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:31,520
Er, a bit of Bible reading?
A soupcon of psalm singing?
610
00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:33,760
Psalm singing, of course,
comes a bit more expensive.
611
00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:36,440
No, no, it's nothing like that.
We'd like you to act as a guide
612
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:37,960
on a little military operation.
613
00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:41,680
Military? Me? Certainly not!
614
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:43,760
It's the only way you can
stop us talking.
615
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:47,120
Captain, look,
you don't seriously expect me,
616
00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:50,360
a man of peace,
an advocate of brotherly love,
617
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:52,400
to lend myself to
a military punch-up?
618
00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:55,560
You'll get ten rupees a day,
of course. When do we start?
619
00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:57,720
Rightaway.
Give me ten minutes.
620
00:31:57,720 --> 00:31:59,880
Why, what are you
going back in there for?
621
00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:02,080
A couple of points
I still want to go over.
622
00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:10,960
623
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:21,960
Burpas! We are honoured today
624
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:24,680
by a visit of
the great and powerful Rajah
625
00:32:24,680 --> 00:32:26,000
from across the mountains,
626
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,960
the Khasi of Kalabar.
627
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:36,760
What happened?
What did I do wrong?
628
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:40,560
It is all right, Highness. It is
only their way of showing pleasure.
629
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:43,080
Oh. I'd hate to be around
when they show anger.
630
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:47,120
Burpas, listen to the Khasi,
and listen well.
631
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:50,720
For he offers the chance
of great glory to you all.
632
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:55,920
You have heard your great leader,
Bungdit Din of Jaksi.
633
00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:59,960
I come to you today from my country
across the mountains
634
00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:01,360
because I need help.
635
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:05,200
And it has long been known that you,
the Burpas,
636
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:09,080
are the greatest fighters
in all Afghanistan.
637
00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:12,480
Warriors who are fearless
on the battlefield
638
00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:16,960
and whose very name makes
their enemies tremble with fear.
639
00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:20,920
What's he giving them? What we term
in Ecclesiastical circles, Captain,
640
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:22,560
a bit of the old flannel.
641
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:25,680
That is why I have come to you.
642
00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:32,720
To offer you the opportunity to make
much money and even greater glory.
643
00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:38,520
I wish they wouldn't do that!
644
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:41,600
Do not worry, Highness.
They show much pleasure.
645
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:44,840
If they hit you,
it will only be an accident.
646
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:46,320
That's very reassuring
647
00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:52,680
And now I will tell you
how this money and glory will come.
648
00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:59,120
We are going to rise up
and drive the British out of India!
649
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:00,480
650
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:05,280
Oh, that's much nicer.
No, no, no. It is not good.
651
00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:07,600
It is their way of
showing displeasure.
652
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:10,400
What?!
I will find out what is wrong.
653
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:15,120
Burpas, why do you dislike
the idea of fighting the British?
654
00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:17,520
We cannot fight the
Devils in Skirts!
655
00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:19,880
It is a well-known fact
that they are invincible.
656
00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:21,360
Is that not so, men?
657
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:23,400
ALL: Nee, nee, nee, nee, nee...
658
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,920
Ah, they are against him!
659
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,080
No, no, no.
They are agreeing with him.
660
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:31,120
Ooh. What a funny lot.
661
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:33,440
Do not talk to me
of Devils in Skirts.
662
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:36,760
The skirts of the devils
are the skirts of women!
663
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:39,360
Would devils wear
such a thing as this beneath them?
664
00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:40,960
Hey, those are mine!
665
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:42,680
And that's the chap
who took them off me.
666
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:43,800
I remember his face.
667
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:45,880
I'd hate to think what he remembers
of you.
668
00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:47,080
Urgh...
669
00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:49,720
Can you fear men who wear
such a thing as this?
670
00:34:49,720 --> 00:34:52,080
Now will you fight with us?
671
00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:54,680
ALL: Ye, ye, ye, ye, ye...
672
00:34:54,680 --> 00:34:56,600
No?
No.
673
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:59,600
I thought so. They do everything
here the wrong way round.
674
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:02,920
They are descended from one of
the oldest tribes in Afghanistan -
675
00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:04,520
the Arsitasis.
676
00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:09,040
It would need more than this
one garment to convince our chiefs.
677
00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:10,800
We cannot fight
without their permission.
678
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:13,200
ALL: Nee, nee, nee, nee, nee, nee...
679
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:16,280
They need more proof.
You have the picture here?
680
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:18,120
Yes, the memsahib has it.
681
00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:20,160
Oh, dear, they've got me doing it
now.
682
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:25,400
Good. Burpas, go to your chiefs
and tell them to come to my house
683
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:27,320
and the Khasi will show them
a picture
684
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:30,160
proving that the Devils
are as women.
685
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:31,800
686
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:36,440
They will fight once we have
won their chiefs over.
687
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:40,400
Before I see them, perhaps we should
sweeten them a little, yes?
688
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:42,760
Good. If he's promised to show them
the picture,
689
00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:44,520
that means they haven't seen it yet.
690
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:46,880
Now, you wait here,
I'll just scout around a bit,
691
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:51,040
see if I can find a way in.
And the best of Bombay luck, duck.
692
00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:54,200
Widdle! Replace your chin gear
at once!
693
00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:56,880
This beard doesn't half itch.
What is it made of?
694
00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:58,880
Goat's hair.
695
00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:00,120
Poo...
696
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:02,800
Never mind the poo, put it back!
697
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:22,840
There's no other way, chaps.
698
00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:24,960
We're going to
have to try and force our way in.
699
00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:27,400
We'll never force our way
through these doors, Sir.
700
00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:29,280
That's where Mr Belcher comes in.
701
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:31,520
That's where Mr Belcher goes out.
Good day, gentlemen!
702
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:34,440
Mr Belcher, all you have to do
is knock on the door,
703
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:37,200
ask to see the Khasi,
and when the door is opened,
704
00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:38,960
we will rush them.
705
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:40,120
Now? Now.
706
00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:42,040
Come on.
707
00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:46,680
There's no-one in.
708
00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:48,200
Knock again. Louder.
709
00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:51,000
What do I do now?
710
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:53,360
Just say you want to see the Khasi
711
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:54,920
and leave the rest to us.
712
00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:57,440
Argh!
713
00:36:57,440 --> 00:37:00,000
Yes?
I want to see the Khasi
714
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:03,200
and leave the rest to us.
715
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:08,480
"What did he say? ""Hatch-a-maza"
"Khasi, shove me up the Ganges!"""
716
00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:12,200
Here we go!
717
00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:22,600
Cor...
718
00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:31,920
Ah, gentlemen. You are welcome.
We have been expecting you.
719
00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:35,520
But please, put your swords up.
720
00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:36,920
That's tempting.
721
00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:39,800
We offer you only friendship here.
722
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:42,400
You do?
Of course.
723
00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:45,640
His Highness the Khasi
will see you later.
724
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:51,280
But in the meantime, I offer you the
hospitality of my humble dwelling.
725
00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:52,600
Woman!
726
00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:56,200
727
00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:59,320
Please, go with the women.
728
00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:01,320
Refresh yourselves.
729
00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:03,880
Ask for anything you desire.
730
00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:07,240
Deny yourselves nothing.
731
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:12,800
It must be a trap.
732
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:15,880
Cor! Let's walk into it!
733
00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:17,800
That's enough, Widdle.
734
00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:21,000
But if you care for me to go ahead
with her, and...
735
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:22,760
reconnoitre the situation, Sir...
736
00:38:22,760 --> 00:38:25,720
No, thank you, Sergeant Major.
We must stick together
737
00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:28,120
whatever we do.
738
00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:29,440
Follow me.
739
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:44,360
Well, Sir?
Well, it looks all right.
740
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:45,560
All right?!
741
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:47,720
Why, it's fairyland!
742
00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:58,320
We await your pleasure, masters.
743
00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:00,960
Pleasure? The idea!
744
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:03,520
Er, what do we do, Sir?
745
00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:08,520
Men, we mustn't forget we came here
with a definite objective -
746
00:39:08,520 --> 00:39:09,920
to get that photograph.
747
00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:12,080
You're absolutely right, Sir.
748
00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:16,040
On the other hand, we, er,
we don't want to rush into anything.
749
00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:18,680
Oh, you're absolutely right, Sir.
750
00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:22,720
So perhaps it would be advisable
for us to stay here for a bit.
751
00:39:22,720 --> 00:39:24,800
Stay here for a bit?
752
00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:28,480
Are you suggesting we remain
and indulge ourselves in...
753
00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:29,720
whatever's going on?
754
00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:32,440
We have no alternative, Mr Belcher.
755
00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:34,960
But these are women of pleasure!
756
00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:38,360
Do you expect me, a missionary,
to lend myself to such carryings on?
757
00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:41,120
My job is to save fallen women.
758
00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:43,200
I realise that, Mr Belcher.
759
00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:46,520
Good. Save me the one
with the big earrings.
760
00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:50,960
Enough, Jelhi.
761
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:54,080
The chiefs have arrived
and are enjoying my hospitality.
762
00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:56,080
Excellent.
When they have been surfeited
763
00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:57,880
they should be easily persuaded.
764
00:39:57,880 --> 00:39:59,280
You have the photograph?
765
00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:01,400
Not yet, I fear.
766
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:04,400
Lady Ruff-Diamond has secreted it
upon her person
767
00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:07,040
in such a place
it cannot easily be got at.
768
00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:09,880
Why waste time?
Let us take it from her by force.
769
00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:14,040
That would be unpardonable!
In India, the cow is sacred.
770
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,120
What a lovely idea, whatever it is.
771
00:40:19,480 --> 00:40:21,520
Not now, dear.
772
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:30,360
Not just now, thank you.
773
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,360
What have you got out of her?
774
00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:37,120
Mind your own business.
775
00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:39,800
I mean, what information?
776
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:43,400
Excuse me, madam.
Her Ladyship's here all right,
777
00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:46,000
but she doesn't know anything about
a photograph.
778
00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:47,800
Well, keep working on her.
779
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:51,880
Don't worry, I will.
780
00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:53,440
Ooh, she must think I'm deaf...
781
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:54,960
Good boy.
782
00:40:54,960 --> 00:40:56,160
Well, now...
783
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:59,360
Oh! What pretty earrings.
784
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:03,040
Are they rubies?
No, they are mine.
785
00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:05,680
For me? How nice!
786
00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:08,800
What a pretty necklace.
It'd be a pity to split them up.
787
00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:11,800
Mm...
788
00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:15,120
You shouldn't have.
You'll be getting me a bad name!
789
00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:19,120
I can't help admiring those.
790
00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:20,960
They're beauties, aren't they?
791
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:22,680
Oh!
No! Shh!
792
00:41:35,080 --> 00:41:36,960
HE LAUGHS
793
00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:39,000
HE HUMS
794
00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:40,960
HE CHUCKLES
795
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:42,640
Ah-ah, hold still!
796
00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:48,400
THEY LAUGH
797
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:50,920
HE GROANS
798
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:52,480
There we are!
799
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:54,880
There! That didn't hurt, did it?
800
00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:56,160
No!
801
00:41:56,160 --> 00:41:58,880
I'm collecting on behalf of
the Mission at the moment.
802
00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:00,920
SHE WHISPERS
803
00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:03,960
804
00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:05,520
Oh, no.
805
00:42:05,520 --> 00:42:07,320
Hang on, hang on.
806
00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:09,120
I say, she's done it again.
807
00:42:09,120 --> 00:42:10,760
Done what?
808
00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:13,040
She keeps on asking me something,
I nod yes.
809
00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:15,000
Then she claps her hand
and goes mad.
810
00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:17,320
Here, stand easy, will you?
811
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:20,880
Just remember,
when a Burpa nods, it means no.
812
00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:22,560
Cor! Hang on!
813
00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:26,280
And when... when they applaud,
it shows displeasure.
814
00:42:26,280 --> 00:42:27,880
All right, now then...
815
00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:30,120
Hey, girly, just a minute!
816
00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:33,560
Look, I am saying yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
817
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:38,480
Look, look, look, look, look!
I'm saying yes.
818
00:42:38,480 --> 00:42:40,960
Yes! Yes!
819
00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:42,920
Yeah! Yeah!
820
00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:45,080
Yes!
821
00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:47,840
What a good idea - mixed bathies.
822
00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:50,280
Come on, chaps. Fall in.
823
00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:52,480
Yes! Yes, yes...
824
00:42:54,600 --> 00:42:56,640
Wahey, come and join us!
825
00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:58,760
Wahey!
826
00:43:12,200 --> 00:43:14,360
Well, what is it?
The chiefs are here.
827
00:43:14,360 --> 00:43:16,320
I know that, fool!
I've already seen them.
828
00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:18,720
No, these are other chiefs.
What other chiefs?
829
00:43:18,720 --> 00:43:22,680
Then who are the ones already here?
Call the guards! Call the guards!
830
00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:25,920
Salaam.
831
00:43:28,080 --> 00:43:29,960
832
00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:35,120
833
00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:42,720
Remember, men.
Only give name, rank and number.
834
00:43:47,240 --> 00:43:49,280
This way, please, madam.
835
00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:51,920
All right. Thank you, Major.
836
00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:55,160
Er, will you sit down, madam?
Thank you.
837
00:43:57,280 --> 00:43:59,320
And, er, what can I do for you?
838
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:02,280
It is more a question of
what I can do for you, Excellency.
839
00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:07,640
Pardon? I am
His Highness the Khasi's number one.
840
00:44:07,640 --> 00:44:11,560
You know that my lord and master
has taken your woman away with him?
841
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:13,800
I know, I know.
842
00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:16,040
He has done you a great wrong.
843
00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:20,720
And it is my duty as his woman
to right that wrong.
844
00:44:20,720 --> 00:44:22,800
It is? Is it?
845
00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:26,280
Oh, er, what exactly
did you have in mind?
846
00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:30,800
What he has done unto you,
you are entitled to do unto him.
847
00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:32,600
It is the custom of our people.
848
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:36,760
Well, as a stranger to your country,
I must get used to your customs.
849
00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:38,760
That is well.
850
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:41,680
I am ready to right that wrong.
851
00:44:43,040 --> 00:44:44,520
Me, too.
852
00:44:47,240 --> 00:44:48,320
Don't go away.
853
00:44:50,240 --> 00:44:52,280
Shorthouse!
Sir?
854
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:53,480
Don't disturb us, please.
855
00:44:53,480 --> 00:44:55,960
We're going to have
a spot of tiffin.
856
00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:58,560
857
00:45:00,680 --> 00:45:02,880
What are they celebrating,
my father?
858
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:06,080
The British prisoners, my child,
are to be executed at sunset.
859
00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:08,240
No, Father, spare them.
860
00:45:08,240 --> 00:45:09,520
Impossible, my child.
861
00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:12,040
It will help to show
these Burpa fools
862
00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:13,840
that the British are not invincible.
863
00:45:13,840 --> 00:45:15,120
The white memsahib?
864
00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:18,160
Of course. But do not worry,
we'll make it easy for them.
865
00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:21,440
They will die the death
of a thousand cuts.
866
00:45:21,440 --> 00:45:23,800
Oh, no... That's horrible!
867
00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:26,560
Nonsense, child.
The British are used to cuts.
868
00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:32,920
Charming. Charming
869
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:34,760
Join the Army
and see the next world!
870
00:45:34,760 --> 00:45:36,600
It's all your fault!
871
00:45:36,600 --> 00:45:39,280
Why, what have I done?
What have you done?
872
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:41,480
You can't even take part
in a simple little orgy
873
00:45:41,480 --> 00:45:43,120
without going raving mad.
874
00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:46,080
Chasing women round the room,
diving into pools after them!
875
00:45:46,080 --> 00:45:49,720
I didn't ask to come on this job
and I don't know why he picked me.
876
00:45:49,720 --> 00:45:52,880
I chose you, Widdle,
because if anything was to go wrong,
877
00:45:52,880 --> 00:45:56,760
I couldn't think of anyone
I'd rather it go wrong to!
878
00:45:56,760 --> 00:45:58,920
Now, now, now, now. Steady, chaps.
879
00:45:58,920 --> 00:46:02,240
Try and keep calm. We've been
in tighter spots than this.
880
00:46:02,240 --> 00:46:05,720
Here we go. He's gonna ask us
to keep a stiff upper lip next.
881
00:46:05,720 --> 00:46:09,240
I was about to say,
remember we're British.
882
00:46:09,240 --> 00:46:11,160
I beg your pardon, Captain.
883
00:46:11,160 --> 00:46:14,160
Then I was going to say,
keep a stiff upper lip.
884
00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:17,200
Well, I'm not standing round here
waiting for mine to stiffen.
885
00:46:17,200 --> 00:46:19,200
Guard! Guard!
886
00:46:19,200 --> 00:46:20,920
I'm an Ecclesiastical dignitary!
887
00:46:20,920 --> 00:46:23,200
I insist on seeing
the British Consul!
888
00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:24,920
What do you want, pig?
889
00:46:26,280 --> 00:46:28,200
I was going to
ask for the name of a good dentist,
890
00:46:28,200 --> 00:46:29,720
but I don't think I'll bother now.
891
00:46:32,320 --> 00:46:34,920
The feast in honour of the chiefs
is ready, my dear Raj.
892
00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:37,160
Good. I will go now.
You have the photograph?
893
00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:39,480
No.
Wait, I will see if I can get it.
894
00:46:43,640 --> 00:46:48,160
Oh, there you are, Randy! I thought
you'd forgotten all about me.
895
00:46:48,160 --> 00:46:49,640
Impossible, my dear madam.
896
00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:52,040
You haven't mentioned the dress.
The sari.
897
00:46:52,040 --> 00:46:54,440
No need to apologise.
There's a nice little fringe -
898
00:46:54,440 --> 00:46:57,280
No, no, no.
The garment is called a sari.
899
00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:00,080
Oh! Oh, yes, of course.
Silly me!
900
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:02,120
The sari with the fringe on top!
901
00:47:02,120 --> 00:47:05,520
Yes, it looks most exquisite on you,
madam.
902
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:07,280
But if you will forgive
my saying so,
903
00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:09,800
there's something here
causing an ugly bulge.
904
00:47:09,800 --> 00:47:11,680
I can't help the way I'm made,
can I?
905
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:14,920
No, no, I don't think it's part
of you. Ah! I have it!
906
00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:16,680
You're very welcome to it, I'm sure.
907
00:47:16,680 --> 00:47:18,600
No, of course,
it is the photograph.
908
00:47:18,600 --> 00:47:22,360
Allow me to relieve you of what must
be a most tiresome burden -
909
00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:25,400
Now, now, Randy.
Remember our bargain.
910
00:47:25,400 --> 00:47:27,760
I shall give it to you
when you -
911
00:47:27,760 --> 00:47:29,320
Yes, yes, I know the rest.
912
00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:32,640
And that I trust, without seeming
to be too immodest or anxious,
913
00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:34,800
can be right now. Oh, no, no,
please, madam.
914
00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:36,920
Not before a meal.
When, then? When?
915
00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:40,600
Never fear.
I will have it at sunset.
916
00:47:40,600 --> 00:47:44,640
Oh, at sunset? Oh, how romantic.
I can hardly contain myself!
917
00:47:44,640 --> 00:47:46,960
I noticed that.
The sari is much too small.
918
00:47:46,960 --> 00:47:48,920
Till sunset, then...
919
00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:50,960
Till sunset.
920
00:47:53,240 --> 00:47:55,440
Well? Do you have it?
No, but don't worry.
921
00:47:55,440 --> 00:47:57,600
It will be easy after
the public execution.
922
00:47:57,600 --> 00:48:00,520
Oh, and only 500 cuts
for the memsahib.
923
00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:02,480
I don't want the photograph ruined.
924
00:48:11,800 --> 00:48:14,160
My lady, you must leave this place
at once.
925
00:48:14,160 --> 00:48:16,080
Are you kidding, dear?
926
00:48:16,080 --> 00:48:18,120
Oh, I wouldn't miss tonight
for anything.
927
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:20,800
My father has told you what is
to happen to you then?
928
00:48:20,800 --> 00:48:22,840
Not half. At sunset.
929
00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:24,160
And you're not frightened?
930
00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:26,000
Well, it's not as if it's
the first time, is it?
931
00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:28,280
But for it to happen in public,
in front of everyone.
932
00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:29,400
Is it not humiliating?
933
00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:31,440
Oh, well, I wouldn't want it -
934
00:48:31,440 --> 00:48:33,160
In public?
935
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:36,840
Yes. Everyone will be watching
when it is done. It is the custom.
936
00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:39,360
Not where I come from it isn't.
937
00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:44,800
In public? Ooh, I think
that's positively common!
938
00:48:44,800 --> 00:48:47,240
That is why I've come to save you.
939
00:48:47,240 --> 00:48:50,680
You and the British soldiers
who are to die with you.
940
00:48:50,680 --> 00:48:52,960
Die? What are you talking about?
941
00:48:52,960 --> 00:48:55,080
The death of a thousand cuts.
942
00:48:55,080 --> 00:48:57,560
That is what is going to happen
at sunset.
943
00:48:57,560 --> 00:48:59,960
Death by a thousand cuts?
944
00:48:59,960 --> 00:49:02,720
But I...I...I thought he was
going to...
945
00:49:02,720 --> 00:49:06,960
Oh! Oh, the dirty rotten cheat!
946
00:49:06,960 --> 00:49:08,840
You wait till I get my hands on him!
947
00:49:08,840 --> 00:49:10,400
Oh, my lady, trust in me.
948
00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:12,880
I have a plan to save you
and to get you to your home.
949
00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:17,120
Home? But how can I go home now
after what I've done?
950
00:49:18,400 --> 00:49:19,760
Poor Sidney...
951
00:49:21,160 --> 00:49:23,080
I wonder what he's doing now...
952
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:27,160
So, you're the Khasi's number...?
Three.
953
00:49:27,160 --> 00:49:29,520
Three, eh? Please sit down.
Thank you.
954
00:49:29,520 --> 00:49:33,080
Very nice, too. I have come
because my lord and master
955
00:49:33,080 --> 00:49:34,360
has taken your woman.
956
00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:36,520
Yes, it's been a terrible shock
to me. Terrible.
957
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:38,840
He done me a great wrong.
True.
958
00:49:38,840 --> 00:49:41,280
I have come to right that wrong.
959
00:49:41,280 --> 00:49:44,360
It's funny,
I was hoping you'd say that.
960
00:49:44,360 --> 00:49:45,480
Excuse me.
961
00:49:45,480 --> 00:49:46,680
Shorthouse!
962
00:49:46,680 --> 00:49:50,000
Sir? Don't disturb us, please.
We're gonna have a bit of tiffin.
963
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:51,600
It's not time for tiffin, Sir.
964
00:49:51,600 --> 00:49:54,120
Mind your own business!
Any time is tiffin time.
965
00:50:00,720 --> 00:50:01,800
Who's there?
966
00:50:01,800 --> 00:50:03,920
It is I, the Princess Jelhi.
967
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:07,000
The white memsahib will be put in
the cell with the other prisoners.
968
00:50:10,880 --> 00:50:12,200
969
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:19,640
Princess Jelhi!
Captain Keene! Is it you?
970
00:50:19,640 --> 00:50:23,160
Yes. How wonderful! I never thought
I'd see you again.
971
00:50:23,160 --> 00:50:25,200
Nor I you.
And yet...
972
00:50:25,200 --> 00:50:27,760
here you are.
Here you are.
973
00:50:27,760 --> 00:50:29,640
Excuse me!
Yes?
974
00:50:29,640 --> 00:50:32,360
Your Ladyship, have you still got
the photograph?
975
00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:34,320
Yes. Worse luck.
976
00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:36,400
I thought you said
there was no time to lose?
977
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:39,160
Yes, we must hurry. We must leave
before the feast finishes.
978
00:50:39,160 --> 00:50:41,880
Change into these things
immediately. These?
979
00:50:44,240 --> 00:50:48,600
And now for a little illusion
I picked up in Baghdad.
980
00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:50,640
Ah, Baghdad...
981
00:50:50,640 --> 00:50:52,440
Home of the immortal words,
982
00:50:52,440 --> 00:50:55,040
"Who was that bag I saw you with
last night, Dad?"
983
00:50:55,040 --> 00:50:57,800
"Who was that bag I saw you with
last night, Dad?"
984
00:50:57,800 --> 00:51:00,600
I love it, yes!
I love it...
985
00:51:00,600 --> 00:51:02,960
And now, for my greatest illusion,
986
00:51:02,960 --> 00:51:07,640
I would like from my audience
the assistance of one female lady.
987
00:51:12,360 --> 00:51:15,800
Thank you, Madam.
And may I have your name, please?
988
00:51:15,800 --> 00:51:17,840
They call me Busty.
989
00:51:17,840 --> 00:51:20,800
Really? And may I have
your assistance, please?
990
00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:22,880
Who is this idiot?
991
00:51:22,880 --> 00:51:27,360
Now, I want you to
observe I have one young lady here
992
00:51:27,360 --> 00:51:28,560
and two stools.
993
00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:30,360
That one's the young lady.
994
00:51:30,360 --> 00:51:31,640
Oh, naughty! Now then,
995
00:51:31,640 --> 00:51:34,320
I also want you to observe there is
nothing between the young lady
996
00:51:34,320 --> 00:51:37,000
and the ceiling, and nothing between
the young lady and the floor.
997
00:51:37,000 --> 00:51:40,400
When I remove the stool,
you'll observe that the young lady
998
00:51:40,400 --> 00:51:41,960
is in a state of complete suspension
999
00:51:41,960 --> 00:51:43,760
with no visible means of support.
1000
00:51:43,760 --> 00:51:48,120
I will now cover this young lady
with this old cloth.
1001
00:51:48,120 --> 00:51:51,360
I will now remove the first stool.
1002
00:51:51,360 --> 00:51:53,960
1003
00:51:53,960 --> 00:51:56,680
I will now remove the first stool.
1004
00:51:56,680 --> 00:51:59,320
It's clear. Come on.
1005
00:52:07,000 --> 00:52:08,320
Is this the best you could do?
1006
00:52:09,280 --> 00:52:10,560
It is the safest.
1007
00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:12,560
It's the costume of the dancers.
1008
00:52:12,560 --> 00:52:14,480
The guards, they will not interfere
with you.
1009
00:52:14,480 --> 00:52:15,960
They'll get a nasty shock
if they do.
1010
00:52:17,120 --> 00:52:18,400
Follow me.
1011
00:52:19,400 --> 00:52:21,200
Come on, come on.
Go on, Ethel.
1012
00:52:24,440 --> 00:52:27,280
I will now remove the second stool!
1013
00:52:28,320 --> 00:52:31,640
Bring on the dancing girls.
Get rid of this idiot!
1014
00:52:31,640 --> 00:52:33,040
Fakim, off!
1015
00:52:45,400 --> 00:52:48,520
You! Come!
You have kept our guests waiting.
1016
00:52:48,520 --> 00:52:51,400
Hurry. The dance, the dance!
1017
00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:52,680
Regi.
1018
00:52:54,640 --> 00:52:57,080
What do we do now?
Do as I do.
1019
00:52:57,080 --> 00:52:58,360
It is our only chance.
1020
00:52:58,360 --> 00:52:59,520
Play!
1021
00:52:59,520 --> 00:53:03,200
1022
00:53:44,200 --> 00:53:45,760
Seize him!
1023
00:53:45,760 --> 00:53:47,800
1024
00:53:53,760 --> 00:53:55,600
No, no, this way!
1025
00:53:59,000 --> 00:54:00,240
After them!
1026
00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:12,640
1027
00:54:12,640 --> 00:54:13,840
Hurry, you fools!
1028
00:54:15,160 --> 00:54:16,960
Go! Get a battering ram!
1029
00:54:20,240 --> 00:54:22,920
How do get out of here?
There's no other door.
1030
00:54:22,920 --> 00:54:25,720
It is the place where the women
of the harem get exercise.
1031
00:54:25,720 --> 00:54:27,440
As if they don't get enough inside.
1032
00:54:27,440 --> 00:54:29,160
We'll have to
get over the wall somehow.
1033
00:54:29,160 --> 00:54:31,040
Wait a minute, dear,
let's get it right.
1034
00:54:31,040 --> 00:54:32,680
Remove the first stool.
1035
00:54:35,920 --> 00:54:38,920
Now remove the second stool.
1036
00:54:42,280 --> 00:54:43,920
That's it!
1037
00:54:43,920 --> 00:54:46,040
Eureka!
1038
00:54:46,040 --> 00:54:48,800
Hey you, Fakir. We need your help.
1039
00:54:48,800 --> 00:54:51,320
Sorry, madam, I'm busy.
Madam?!
1040
00:54:51,320 --> 00:54:55,000
I am Captain Keene of
Her Majesty's Third Foot and Mouth
1041
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:56,920
and this is Sergeant Major Macnutt.
1042
00:54:56,920 --> 00:54:58,440
You could have fooled me.
1043
00:54:58,440 --> 00:55:01,200
Look, we need that rope of yours
to get us over the wall.
1044
00:55:01,200 --> 00:55:04,280
I'm sorry, it won't work.
Not without the magic words.
1045
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:05,880
Come on, you'll be well paid.
1046
00:55:05,880 --> 00:55:08,320
Those are the magic words!
Come on, help me off this thing.
1047
00:55:08,320 --> 00:55:09,400
Right.
1048
00:55:14,200 --> 00:55:16,640
What thing?
Oh, look, look!
1049
00:55:16,640 --> 00:55:18,680
I've got a touch of the levitations!
1050
00:55:18,680 --> 00:55:21,040
Never mind that, get the rope.
Oh, rope. yes.
1051
00:55:23,600 --> 00:55:25,640
Here we are. Cop hold of that.
1052
00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:28,600
1053
00:55:28,600 --> 00:55:32,240
Oh, here we are. A lovely ladder.
1054
00:55:32,240 --> 00:55:35,240
Snakes and ladders.
Snakes and ladders!
1055
00:55:35,240 --> 00:55:37,520
That'll do.
1056
00:55:40,440 --> 00:55:43,760
Lovely. Just what we needed.
Come along now, to the wall.
1057
00:55:43,760 --> 00:55:45,760
Come on, then. Come on!
1058
00:55:45,760 --> 00:55:47,760
Right, here we go.
1059
00:55:47,760 --> 00:55:50,200
1060
00:55:50,200 --> 00:55:53,720
Should we get the rope, then?
No, this will do!
1061
00:55:53,720 --> 00:55:55,320
All right...
1062
00:55:55,320 --> 00:55:57,320
I'm going,
I'm going as fast as I can!
1063
00:55:57,320 --> 00:55:58,760
It's Widdle that's holding me up!
1064
00:56:01,040 --> 00:56:04,080
Right, let's go.
Where are you taking me?
1065
00:56:04,080 --> 00:56:06,120
Shut up and keep out of sight!
1066
00:56:10,920 --> 00:56:12,280
1067
00:56:14,240 --> 00:56:16,600
Argh!
1068
00:56:16,600 --> 00:56:19,320
They have got away!
Never mind.
1069
00:56:19,320 --> 00:56:22,160
We have the photograph!
1070
00:56:22,160 --> 00:56:24,200
I will go after the pigs!
Don't bother.
1071
00:56:24,200 --> 00:56:27,360
Go with your men, take the shortcut
to the Khyber Pass
1072
00:56:27,360 --> 00:56:29,600
and wipe out the British garrison
there.
1073
00:56:29,600 --> 00:56:34,760
Then the way will be open for us to
the Governor's residency at Kalabar.
1074
00:56:34,760 --> 00:56:36,800
1075
00:56:39,560 --> 00:56:41,240
1076
00:56:42,240 --> 00:56:43,280
Your Excellency, Sir.
1077
00:56:43,280 --> 00:56:45,560
Eh? Who?
There's another one of them here.
1078
00:56:45,560 --> 00:56:48,720
Another one? So soon? Mm.
Did she say what number?
1079
00:56:48,720 --> 00:56:51,000
Nine, Sir.
Nine...
1080
00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:53,040
How many women's the Khasi got?
1081
00:56:53,040 --> 00:56:54,720
At the last count, 51, Sir.
1082
00:56:54,720 --> 00:56:57,120
51... Send her in.
1083
00:56:57,120 --> 00:56:59,320
Shorthouse.
Yes, Sir?
1084
00:56:59,320 --> 00:57:02,680
I know, you're not to be disturbed.
You are having tiffin.
1085
00:57:02,680 --> 00:57:04,720
1086
00:57:18,360 --> 00:57:21,360
Oh, how awful!
What can have happened?
1087
00:57:21,360 --> 00:57:23,880
I don't like making guesses
but I wouldn't be at all surprised
1088
00:57:23,880 --> 00:57:26,320
if there hadn't
been a spot of foul play here.
1089
00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:28,560
Foul play? Look at 'em!
1090
00:57:28,560 --> 00:57:31,880
Lying around here like
a lot of unwanted cocktail snacks!
1091
00:57:31,880 --> 00:57:34,280
Ginger!
Who is?
1092
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:36,520
He is. Ginger, my mate.
1093
00:57:40,280 --> 00:57:42,760
Private Hale?
Yes, Ginger Hale.
1094
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:50,520
Hello, Ginge.
It's me, Jimmy, your old mate.
1095
00:57:50,520 --> 00:57:52,760
Jimmy Widdle.
Jimmy? Hm.
1096
00:57:52,760 --> 00:57:56,080
Is it you?
My old mate.
1097
00:57:56,080 --> 00:58:00,120
Ginge, mate. How do you feel?
Not so good.
1098
00:58:00,120 --> 00:58:03,760
I think I've been wounded.
Only here and there.
1099
00:58:03,760 --> 00:58:05,360
Jimmy...
Hm?
1100
00:58:05,360 --> 00:58:08,320
I can trust you.
Now give it to me straight...
1101
00:58:08,320 --> 00:58:11,040
..am I gonna be all right?
1102
00:58:11,040 --> 00:58:12,480
Course not, Ginge, mate.
1103
00:58:13,960 --> 00:58:16,400
Eh?
I said, course not, Ginge, mate.
1104
00:58:16,400 --> 00:58:19,440
I'm...I'm not gonna be all right?
1105
00:58:19,440 --> 00:58:22,360
How could you be with half-a-dozen
dirty great holes in you?
1106
00:58:22,360 --> 00:58:23,960
You've had it.
1107
00:58:23,960 --> 00:58:26,320
You're a bleedin' fine mate,
I must say!
1108
00:58:26,320 --> 00:58:28,880
What do you mean? You asked me
to give it to you straight.
1109
00:58:28,880 --> 00:58:30,120
Yeah, but I didn't mean you to!
1110
00:58:30,120 --> 00:58:32,800
You horrible little runt, you!
1111
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:35,160
That's enough, Widdle!
1112
00:58:36,160 --> 00:58:39,120
You're a great lot of comfort
to a dying man, aren't you?
1113
00:58:39,120 --> 00:58:44,040
Now listen, Hale,
this is Sergeant Major Macnutt.
1114
00:58:44,040 --> 00:58:45,240
What happened, lad?
1115
00:58:46,640 --> 00:58:48,560
They attacked
about half an hour ago, Sir.
1116
00:58:48,560 --> 00:58:50,600
Hundreds of 'em.
1117
00:58:52,520 --> 00:58:54,200
Burpas.
1118
00:58:54,200 --> 00:58:56,240
They...they...
1119
00:58:58,960 --> 00:59:00,680
1120
00:59:03,400 --> 00:59:05,440
Oh, no.
1121
00:59:06,400 --> 00:59:09,520
Ginge... Ginge, mate, I'm sorry.
I...
1122
00:59:11,360 --> 00:59:13,400
Poor old mate.
1123
00:59:18,480 --> 00:59:22,640
That's right!
Bleedin' well suffocate me!
1124
00:59:22,640 --> 00:59:24,120
1125
00:59:29,840 --> 00:59:33,960
The entire garrison at Khyber
has been wiped out, mighty Raj.
1126
00:59:33,960 --> 00:59:37,080
Well done,
my most beautiful warrior!
1127
00:59:37,080 --> 00:59:39,960
You're a better man than I am,
Bungdit Din.
1128
00:59:39,960 --> 00:59:44,320
You see now that the photograph
does not lie!
1129
00:59:44,320 --> 00:59:47,280
The Devils in Skirts
are not invincible.
1130
00:59:47,280 --> 00:59:50,680
We have caught them
with their pants up!
1131
00:59:50,680 --> 00:59:51,960
Attack!
1132
00:59:57,080 --> 00:59:58,920
1133
01:00:00,400 --> 01:00:03,040
Captain Keene, Sir! Captain Keene!
1134
01:00:03,040 --> 01:00:06,400
What is it?
They're coming down the Pass, Sir.
1135
01:00:06,400 --> 01:00:08,920
Hundreds of the devils!
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
1136
01:00:08,920 --> 01:00:10,960
Everybody outside, please.
1137
01:00:10,960 --> 01:00:13,000
1138
01:00:16,240 --> 01:00:19,160
Right. Now pay attention please,
everyone.
1139
01:00:19,160 --> 01:00:22,040
It appears the Khasi is coming down
the pass with his army.
1140
01:00:22,040 --> 01:00:25,520
Now, I've decided that you will all
try and get back to the residency.
1141
01:00:25,520 --> 01:00:27,840
We? What about you?
1142
01:00:27,840 --> 01:00:31,160
I'm going to stay back here and
hold them off as long as possible.
1143
01:00:31,160 --> 01:00:35,600
Oh, no, Sir. That's no job
for an officer, Sir. Allow me.
1144
01:00:35,600 --> 01:00:39,720
Very well, Sergeant Major.
You realise it means certain death?
1145
01:00:39,720 --> 01:00:43,080
Yes. That's why
it's no job for an officer.
1146
01:00:43,080 --> 01:00:45,440
Yes. I hadn't thought of that.
1147
01:00:45,440 --> 01:00:48,320
I'll be pleased to have one
volunteer to stay with me, Sir.
1148
01:00:48,320 --> 01:00:50,920
Don't look at me, I'm a civilian.
1149
01:00:50,920 --> 01:00:53,360
Widdle!
And I'm a coward.
1150
01:00:53,360 --> 01:00:55,640
Widdle,
I'm giving you one last chance!
1151
01:00:55,640 --> 01:00:57,360
And I'm a cowardly volunteer.
1152
01:00:57,360 --> 01:00:59,520
Excuse me.
With pleasure.
1153
01:01:01,360 --> 01:01:02,640
That's my Widdle.
1154
01:01:02,640 --> 01:01:05,400
Good luck, Sergeant Major.
Thank you, Sir. And you, Sir.
1155
01:01:05,400 --> 01:01:07,880
And you, Widdle.
And you.
1156
01:01:07,880 --> 01:01:09,600
1157
01:01:13,680 --> 01:01:15,640
There's someone moving about
down in the Pass.
1158
01:01:15,640 --> 01:01:18,200
Do you think those fools
will try to make a fight of it?
1159
01:01:18,200 --> 01:01:22,120
They will have difficulty.
We took care of the arms there, too.
1160
01:01:24,440 --> 01:01:27,080
I think someone's been at them.
1161
01:01:28,960 --> 01:01:32,160
Useless! Never mind, we've still got
the Maxim and a field gun. Right.
1162
01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:34,200
Widdle, get the ammunition.
1163
01:01:40,080 --> 01:01:42,920
Ooh, isn't this exciting?
Oh, yes, I'm just loving it!
1164
01:01:42,920 --> 01:01:44,720
It's quite a new experience for me.
1165
01:01:44,720 --> 01:01:48,520
I've only ever ridden side-saddle
before. You could have fooled me.
1166
01:01:48,520 --> 01:01:52,600
Kill! Kill!
Kill! Kill!
1167
01:01:52,600 --> 01:01:54,560
Here they come. Fire!
1168
01:01:54,560 --> 01:01:57,160
No, wait till you see
the whites of their eyes.
1169
01:01:59,480 --> 01:02:02,640
I can only see the pinks.
Will that do? Yeah!
1170
01:02:02,640 --> 01:02:04,360
Have a taste of this, you swine!
1171
01:02:04,360 --> 01:02:07,200
1172
01:02:10,280 --> 01:02:11,840
What the devil?
1173
01:02:11,840 --> 01:02:14,720
1174
01:02:17,560 --> 01:02:21,240
You rotten swines!
You'll pay for this!
1175
01:02:21,240 --> 01:02:22,400
Come on!
1176
01:02:25,320 --> 01:02:27,400
Load! Load!
1177
01:02:27,400 --> 01:02:29,040
Come on.
1178
01:02:29,040 --> 01:02:30,080
Come on!
1179
01:02:33,040 --> 01:02:34,800
Stand clear!
1180
01:02:37,920 --> 01:02:40,800
1181
01:02:40,800 --> 01:02:43,720
Down, everyone!
Oh!
1182
01:02:43,720 --> 01:02:45,680
Aaah!
1183
01:02:56,640 --> 01:02:58,760
Widdle! Run!
1184
01:02:59,800 --> 01:03:02,720
Come on, let's get out of here.
1185
01:03:02,720 --> 01:03:05,440
Whoa! Here! Wait!
Hey, wait for me.
1186
01:03:05,440 --> 01:03:08,640
Ooh! Ooh!
Come on, Madam! Giddy-up!
1187
01:03:14,520 --> 01:03:17,000
Guard...halt!
1188
01:03:17,000 --> 01:03:20,360
To Her Most Gracious Majesty
Victoria,
1189
01:03:20,360 --> 01:03:22,360
Queen of Great Britain
and her dominions,
1190
01:03:22,360 --> 01:03:24,720
Empress of all India,
Defender of the Faith.
1191
01:03:26,560 --> 01:03:27,600
Dear Vicky,
1192
01:03:27,600 --> 01:03:29,040
I have the honour to report
1193
01:03:29,040 --> 01:03:33,000
that all goes well with
Your Majesty's province of Kalabar.
1194
01:03:33,000 --> 01:03:36,640
And I flatter myself
that I have established
1195
01:03:36,640 --> 01:03:40,000
new and more intimate relationships
with many of your subjects.
1196
01:03:40,000 --> 01:03:42,040
11, to be precise.
1197
01:03:43,040 --> 01:03:44,360
..many of your subjects.
1198
01:03:44,360 --> 01:03:47,520
And I look forward
to continuing to do so.
1199
01:03:48,960 --> 01:03:52,720
I therefore close,
your most respectful servant,
1200
01:03:52,720 --> 01:03:59,000
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond,
KCB, OBE, ACDC, BBC, ITV,
1201
01:03:59,000 --> 01:04:01,880
available for private parties.
Etc, etc.
1202
01:04:01,880 --> 01:04:04,720
Oh, yes. PS, Love to Albert.
1203
01:04:04,720 --> 01:04:07,400
Excuse me, Sir.
1204
01:04:07,400 --> 01:04:11,120
(CLOCK CHIMES
A QUARTER PAST THE HOUR)
1205
01:04:17,440 --> 01:04:20,920
There's another one of them here,
Sir. Oh, blimey, no!
1206
01:04:20,920 --> 01:04:24,240
Well, Sir, if you're not
feeling fit, perhaps I could, er...
1207
01:04:24,240 --> 01:04:26,080
see her for you?
1208
01:04:26,080 --> 01:04:29,040
Major Shorthouse,
however onerous they may be,
1209
01:04:29,040 --> 01:04:31,760
nobody could ever say
that I neglect my official duties.
1210
01:04:31,760 --> 01:04:33,160
Neither do rabbits.
1211
01:04:33,160 --> 01:04:34,920
Did she give any number?
1212
01:04:34,920 --> 01:04:36,200
13, Sir.
1213
01:04:36,200 --> 01:04:39,560
13. Unlucky for some. Ha-ha!
1214
01:04:39,560 --> 01:04:41,040
Send her in.
1215
01:04:41,040 --> 01:04:43,600
13, eh? That's 12 down, 38 to go.
1216
01:04:44,760 --> 01:04:47,160
Can't help wondering
what happened to number 5.
1217
01:04:54,600 --> 01:04:57,000
1218
01:04:57,000 --> 01:05:00,800
Thanks for the lift.
Yes, it was quite an experience.
1219
01:05:00,800 --> 01:05:03,440
I've never ridden in carts
pulled by cows before.
1220
01:05:03,440 --> 01:05:06,480
Bullocks, Mr Belcher.
No, I haven't, honestly.
1221
01:05:06,480 --> 01:05:09,880
Here we are, home safe and sound.
If I can still call it home.
1222
01:05:09,880 --> 01:05:13,200
After the way I've treated poor
Sidney, I doubt he'll have me back.
1223
01:05:13,200 --> 01:05:15,080
Nonsense, Your Ladyship,
I keep telling you,
1224
01:05:15,080 --> 01:05:17,160
it isn't as if anything happened
to you.
1225
01:05:17,160 --> 01:05:19,200
Well there's no need
to keep rubbing it in.
1226
01:05:30,920 --> 01:05:32,840
It was good of you to see me.
1227
01:05:32,840 --> 01:05:34,640
Not at all.
It's a pleasure. Any time.
1228
01:05:34,640 --> 01:05:38,360
It was necessary to right the wrong
done you by my lord and master.
1229
01:05:38,360 --> 01:05:40,000
You're quite right there.
1230
01:05:40,000 --> 01:05:43,640
Would you mind mentioning that
to number 5 if you should see her?
1231
01:05:46,440 --> 01:05:48,960
Your Ladyship! Major Shorthouse,
where is my husband?
1232
01:05:48,960 --> 01:05:51,360
Your husband?
Ah, you mean Sir Sidney.
1233
01:05:51,360 --> 01:05:54,400
Of course I mean Sir Sidney! I've
only got one husband, haven't I?
1234
01:05:54,400 --> 01:05:57,240
No. I mean, yes.
You want to see him?
1235
01:05:57,240 --> 01:06:00,280
Well, naturally I want to see him!
What's the matter with you?
1236
01:06:00,280 --> 01:06:02,320
No! You can't go in there!
Why ever not?
1237
01:06:02,320 --> 01:06:04,360
He's very busy with an affair...
of state.
1238
01:06:04,360 --> 01:06:07,200
This is more important.
He's not to be disturbed.
1239
01:06:07,200 --> 01:06:09,840
I must see him!
Your Ladyship, he's very busy.
1240
01:06:09,840 --> 01:06:12,600
Get out of the way.
Lady Ruff-Diamond!
1241
01:06:12,600 --> 01:06:15,040
No need to shout.
Blimey, my wife's here!
1242
01:06:15,040 --> 01:06:18,080
It is good. I will tell her
the wrong has been righted.
1243
01:06:18,080 --> 01:06:22,080
You'll tell her nothing of the kind.
Get in there. Quiet. Quiet, please.
1244
01:06:23,600 --> 01:06:25,080
Sidney!
1245
01:06:25,080 --> 01:06:26,120
Oh!
1246
01:06:27,040 --> 01:06:29,960
Oh, Sidney, dear, I've come back.
Yes, so I heard.
1247
01:06:29,960 --> 01:06:34,160
Sidney, I have been foolish,
indiscreet. I lost my head.
1248
01:06:34,160 --> 01:06:36,280
Is that all?
Will you ever forgive me?
1249
01:06:36,280 --> 01:06:38,280
What for?
For running off and leaving you.
1250
01:06:38,280 --> 01:06:40,560
Oh, that! Yes, I forgive you.
Go and have a nice cup of tea.
1251
01:06:40,560 --> 01:06:41,880
No, Sidney, we must have it out.
1252
01:06:41,880 --> 01:06:43,960
Don't have it out.
But I have wronged you, dear,
1253
01:06:43,960 --> 01:06:46,960
and I want to right that wrong now.
Now?! Oh, not now!
1254
01:06:46,960 --> 01:06:49,200
For Pete's sake, not now!
Oh, please, Sidney.
1255
01:06:49,200 --> 01:06:51,280
I will not deny
that I went off with the Khasi,
1256
01:06:51,280 --> 01:06:53,640
but nothing happened between us.
1257
01:06:53,640 --> 01:06:55,400
I know that... What?!
1258
01:06:55,400 --> 01:06:58,000
Well, it's true.
He never laid a finger on me.
1259
01:06:58,000 --> 01:07:01,680
Sssh. Don't tell everybody. What do
you mean? You ought to be pleased.
1260
01:07:01,680 --> 01:07:04,800
I am... I am pleased.
Ooh, definitely. I am very pleased.
1261
01:07:04,800 --> 01:07:08,920
But they like a bit of scandal here,
something to talk about in the club.
1262
01:07:08,920 --> 01:07:11,080
I see what you mean.
We British have got a reputation.
1263
01:07:11,080 --> 01:07:14,400
We want to keep it up, don't we?
I'm not proud nothing happened.
1264
01:07:14,400 --> 01:07:15,640
Quiet!
1265
01:07:15,640 --> 01:07:18,920
Please forgive me.
I have wronged you.
1266
01:07:18,920 --> 01:07:21,720
Me? Yes, I have righted a wrong
which did not happen.
1267
01:07:23,000 --> 01:07:24,400
I am sorry.
1268
01:07:28,720 --> 01:07:32,400
Funny woman.
What was that woman doing in there?
1269
01:07:32,400 --> 01:07:33,920
I don't know. Cupboard love?
1270
01:07:33,920 --> 01:07:37,240
Don't you come it with me,
Sidney Ruff-Diamond. I know you.
1271
01:07:37,240 --> 01:07:42,160
What's that mark on your cheek? Yes,
I thought so, you filthy Governor!
1272
01:07:42,160 --> 01:07:45,120
Now, just a minute, Joany.
Don't you Joany me, you old lecher!
1273
01:07:45,120 --> 01:07:47,280
So that's what happens
the minute my back's turned!
1274
01:07:47,280 --> 01:07:49,880
Wait!
You ran away with another bloke!
1275
01:07:49,880 --> 01:07:52,560
Oh, I've heard some pretty weak
excuses in my time!
1276
01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:56,560
Well, I'll teach you,
Sidney Ruff-Diamond!
1277
01:07:56,560 --> 01:07:59,000
Well, it makes a change from tiffin.
1278
01:08:01,440 --> 01:08:02,800
Keep your eyes skinned, men.
1279
01:08:02,800 --> 01:08:04,680
We're expecting an attack
at any moment.
1280
01:08:04,680 --> 01:08:07,040
I'll be on my way now,
Captain Keene.
1281
01:08:07,040 --> 01:08:09,440
I wouldn't leave the compound
if I were you, Mr Belcher.
1282
01:08:09,440 --> 01:08:11,320
These Burpas are after blood,
you know.
1283
01:08:11,320 --> 01:08:14,160
Oh, they wouldn't dare show violence
to a missionary.
1284
01:08:14,160 --> 01:08:15,800
Love thy neighbour, Captain.
1285
01:08:20,320 --> 01:08:22,000
1286
01:08:27,200 --> 01:08:30,360
Get ready to close the gates
once our men are inside.
1287
01:08:30,360 --> 01:08:33,840
Give them some covering fire.
Fire at will. Fire at will!
1288
01:08:33,840 --> 01:08:36,280
Poor old Will!
Why do they always fire at him?
1289
01:08:36,280 --> 01:08:39,200
1290
01:08:43,360 --> 01:08:44,960
Close the gates. Come on, inside!
1291
01:08:47,440 --> 01:08:50,280
All right, cease fire. Cease fire!
1292
01:08:50,280 --> 01:08:52,480
Reporting back, Sir.
1293
01:08:52,480 --> 01:08:54,800
I'm sorry, we were unable
to hold them at the Pass.
1294
01:08:54,800 --> 01:08:58,040
Quite all right, Sergeant Major.
I'm sure you did your best.
1295
01:08:58,040 --> 01:08:59,520
Carry on. Take over the defence.
1296
01:08:59,520 --> 01:09:00,800
Sir.
1297
01:09:05,960 --> 01:09:08,520
Her ladyship's aim
seems to be improving, Sir.
1298
01:09:08,520 --> 01:09:10,560
You're telling me.
1299
01:09:12,600 --> 01:09:14,680
Excuse me, Your Excellency.
Oh, Captain Keene.
1300
01:09:14,680 --> 01:09:17,200
Did I hear firing just now,
or was it the mem?
1301
01:09:17,200 --> 01:09:21,080
It was firing, Sir. We are
having a spot of trouble outside.
1302
01:09:21,080 --> 01:09:23,000
We're not doing so well in here,
either.
1303
01:09:26,640 --> 01:09:28,840
I don't like it.
I don't like it at all.
1304
01:09:28,840 --> 01:09:31,560
An armed revolt like this
could set the whole of India aflame.
1305
01:09:31,560 --> 01:09:33,640
That's what I said, Sir.
Who asked you?
1306
01:09:33,640 --> 01:09:36,440
No-one, Sir.
Well, belt up.
1307
01:09:36,440 --> 01:09:38,920
One false step
and it could be disastrous.
1308
01:09:38,920 --> 01:09:40,840
As Major Shorthouse just said, Sir.
1309
01:09:40,840 --> 01:09:42,040
And who asked him?
1310
01:09:42,040 --> 01:09:44,280
Oh, f...udge.
1311
01:09:45,400 --> 01:09:48,160
No, gentlemen, this revolt
will have to be suppressed
1312
01:09:48,160 --> 01:09:50,200
with the utmost tact and diplomacy.
1313
01:09:51,160 --> 01:09:53,640
We'll string up half a dozen of 'em
for a start.
1314
01:09:57,600 --> 01:09:58,840
What is it, Sergeant Major?
1315
01:09:58,840 --> 01:10:01,080
The Khasi's here under
a flag of truce with Bungdit Din.
1316
01:10:01,080 --> 01:10:02,320
All right, Captain.
1317
01:10:02,320 --> 01:10:05,200
Right, Sergeant Major, show them in.
Sir!
1318
01:10:08,880 --> 01:10:10,400
For heaven's sake, Sergeant Major,
1319
01:10:10,400 --> 01:10:12,720
see the surgeon
and get that thing taken out!
1320
01:10:15,800 --> 01:10:18,960
Under a flag of truce, eh?
I wonder what that means.
1321
01:10:18,960 --> 01:10:22,280
Well, Sir, it's a piece of white
material st... I know what it is!
1322
01:10:27,160 --> 01:10:29,200
Greetings, Your Excellency.
1323
01:10:29,200 --> 01:10:31,960
It is most kind of you to see us
at such short notice.
1324
01:10:31,960 --> 01:10:33,880
You're always welcome, Your
Highness.
1325
01:10:33,880 --> 01:10:35,520
You are most kind.
1326
01:10:35,520 --> 01:10:37,560
And how can I be of service
to Your Highness?
1327
01:10:37,560 --> 01:10:41,680
As a mark of my deep respect
for Your Excellency's person,
1328
01:10:41,680 --> 01:10:45,640
I have come to offer you and your
people safe conduct out of Kalabar.
1329
01:10:45,640 --> 01:10:48,160
A very magnanimous gesture.
1330
01:10:48,160 --> 01:10:50,040
And if I do not wish to leave?
1331
01:10:50,040 --> 01:10:55,120
Then, Your Excellency,
I shall be forced, most reluctantly,
1332
01:10:55,120 --> 01:11:00,360
to burn the Residency to the ground
and kill everyone in it.
1333
01:11:00,360 --> 01:11:01,400
Is that all?
1334
01:11:01,400 --> 01:11:04,920
As a further mark of my respect,
I shall then exhibit
1335
01:11:04,920 --> 01:11:08,320
your distinguished
but neatly severed head
1336
01:11:08,320 --> 01:11:10,400
from the walls of the palace.
1337
01:11:10,400 --> 01:11:12,880
A very generous gesture.
1338
01:11:12,880 --> 01:11:15,400
You are most welcome,
Your Excellency.
1339
01:11:15,400 --> 01:11:19,640
Just to show that we too are capable
of making a generous gesture...
1340
01:11:19,640 --> 01:11:21,000
1341
01:11:23,120 --> 01:11:25,400
In that case,
there is nothing more to say.
1342
01:11:25,400 --> 01:11:28,160
Unless you'd like to stop
for a bit of tiffin.
1343
01:11:28,160 --> 01:11:32,400
No, thank you. Unlike you British,
we are not tiffin-mad.
1344
01:11:38,440 --> 01:11:40,680
I still don't trust that fella.
1345
01:11:40,680 --> 01:11:43,440
Things look rather bad, Sir.
What are we going to do?
1346
01:11:43,440 --> 01:11:45,920
Do, Captain? We're British.
We won't do anything.
1347
01:11:45,920 --> 01:11:49,440
Until it's too late. That's the
first sensible thing you've said.
1348
01:11:49,440 --> 01:11:51,320
No, gentlemen, as always,
we will carry on
1349
01:11:51,320 --> 01:11:53,760
as if nothing was gonna happen.
1350
01:11:53,760 --> 01:11:56,720
But surely, Sir, we...
we must make some decisions.
1351
01:11:56,720 --> 01:11:57,960
You're quite right, Captain.
1352
01:11:57,960 --> 01:12:00,440
Shorthouse, we'll have dinner
at seven.
1353
01:12:00,440 --> 01:12:02,880
I'd like Captain Keene, Princess
Jelhi and Brother Belcher
1354
01:12:02,880 --> 01:12:04,080
to join us.
1355
01:12:04,080 --> 01:12:06,360
Black tie, of course.
Of course, Sir.
1356
01:12:12,880 --> 01:12:14,560
Over there!
1357
01:12:14,560 --> 01:12:16,920
There's only one thing to be
worried about, and that's me!
1358
01:12:16,920 --> 01:12:18,160
And I'm right behind you!
1359
01:12:24,360 --> 01:12:26,560
What's that supposed to be, Widdle?
1360
01:12:27,800 --> 01:12:30,800
The thin red line.
They'll never get past that!
1361
01:12:30,800 --> 01:12:32,640
If you don't get out of here,
1362
01:12:32,640 --> 01:12:36,280
you'll have a thin red line
across your thick white backside!
1363
01:12:36,280 --> 01:12:37,760
Come on, come on!
1364
01:12:37,760 --> 01:12:40,520
Remember, men, it's up to us to see
they don't get through.
1365
01:12:40,520 --> 01:12:43,000
Everything is ready for the attack,
mighty Raj.
1366
01:12:43,000 --> 01:12:46,520
Seven o'clock. This hour will
go down in history, Bungdit Din.
1367
01:12:46,520 --> 01:12:48,680
Shall I give the order to attack?
Yes.
1368
01:12:48,680 --> 01:12:51,840
No, wait.
What strange noise is that?
1369
01:12:51,840 --> 01:12:53,880
1370
01:12:57,640 --> 01:12:59,520
What trickery is this?
1371
01:12:59,520 --> 01:13:02,360
# JOHANN STRAUSS:
Roses From The South
1372
01:13:04,240 --> 01:13:06,280
1373
01:13:20,960 --> 01:13:23,080
You, up there! What is this noise?
1374
01:13:23,080 --> 01:13:24,640
Can you see what is happening?
1375
01:13:24,640 --> 01:13:26,640
Oh, yes.
They are sitting down to dinner.
1376
01:13:26,640 --> 01:13:30,680
Sitting down to dinner?!
Are they stark raving bonkers?
1377
01:13:30,680 --> 01:13:32,960
Do they think I'm playing games?
1378
01:13:32,960 --> 01:13:35,800
It is a typical exhibition
of the British phlegm.
1379
01:13:35,800 --> 01:13:37,840
I spit on their British phlegm!
1380
01:13:38,800 --> 01:13:41,120
Oh, excuse me,
a most impolite expression,
1381
01:13:41,120 --> 01:13:43,640
but these people,
sometimes they infuriate me.
1382
01:13:43,640 --> 01:13:46,320
They come out here
with their starched uniforms
1383
01:13:46,320 --> 01:13:47,960
and their stiff upper lips
1384
01:13:47,960 --> 01:13:50,360
and their dirty great flags
hanging out.
1385
01:13:50,360 --> 01:13:52,400
They think they own the place!
1386
01:13:52,400 --> 01:13:54,920
They do.
Well, they won't for much longer.
1387
01:13:54,920 --> 01:13:56,680
Start the attack.
Imshi!
1388
01:13:56,680 --> 01:13:59,920
By the time I'm finished, their
stiff upper lips will be so limp
1389
01:13:59,920 --> 01:14:01,800
they'll be hanging down
to their navels.
1390
01:14:01,800 --> 01:14:04,360
I will kill the pigs! Fire!
1391
01:14:09,120 --> 01:14:11,560
1392
01:14:11,560 --> 01:14:13,920
That will teach them
to ban turbans on the busses!
1393
01:14:15,720 --> 01:14:17,760
1394
01:14:19,280 --> 01:14:21,320
1395
01:14:23,320 --> 01:14:24,960
1396
01:14:30,040 --> 01:14:33,960
Aren't you enjoying your soup, then?
Oh, it's delightful. Delightful.
1397
01:14:33,960 --> 01:14:36,640
1398
01:14:36,640 --> 01:14:38,760
Terrible noise.
1399
01:14:38,760 --> 01:14:40,880
Yes, it's shocking, innit?
1400
01:14:40,880 --> 01:14:43,760
It's not a first-class orchestra.
Mind you, they're doing their best.
1401
01:14:45,560 --> 01:14:48,080
I er... I mean, the noise outside.
1402
01:14:48,080 --> 01:14:50,200
Oh. It's probably the drains again.
1403
01:14:50,200 --> 01:14:52,200
1404
01:14:52,200 --> 01:14:54,280
Major, you really must have that
seen to. Yes, Sir.
1405
01:14:54,280 --> 01:14:57,480
How are you enjoying your stay
in India, Mr Belcher?
1406
01:14:57,480 --> 01:14:59,400
Marvellous. Can't wait to leave.
1407
01:14:59,400 --> 01:15:01,600
Yes, I suppose it has
its ups and downs.
1408
01:15:01,600 --> 01:15:03,040
1409
01:15:07,600 --> 01:15:09,640
We'll all be going up in a minute.
1410
01:15:15,840 --> 01:15:20,040
I must say, the wind seems to be
a little strong tonight.
1411
01:15:20,040 --> 01:15:21,360
Whose?
1412
01:15:29,360 --> 01:15:32,080
We used to know a missionary fella
in the Solomon Islands.
1413
01:15:32,080 --> 01:15:33,120
Remember, dear?
1414
01:15:33,120 --> 01:15:37,880
Oh, yes, a splendid man. He went
down very well with the natives.
1415
01:15:37,880 --> 01:15:39,000
Did he?
1416
01:15:39,000 --> 01:15:40,960
Yeah, they ate him. Ha-ha-ha!
1417
01:15:40,960 --> 01:15:42,680
1418
01:15:55,800 --> 01:15:57,680
You rang, sir?
1419
01:15:57,680 --> 01:15:59,240
Yes, Chindi, you may serve the wine.
1420
01:15:59,240 --> 01:16:02,920
Wine?! They're all raving mad.
1421
01:16:12,600 --> 01:16:16,400
What's all this noise?
Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?
1422
01:16:16,400 --> 01:16:18,280
What is that?
1423
01:16:18,280 --> 01:16:20,920
It's the flaming fakir who helped
them to escape from Jaksi.
1424
01:16:20,920 --> 01:16:24,000
Another idiot! I'll teach him
and those fools in there
1425
01:16:24,000 --> 01:16:25,480
a lesson they will never forget!
1426
01:16:25,480 --> 01:16:28,800
Seize him!
Cease firing! Stop firing!
1427
01:16:35,360 --> 01:16:37,160
Some more wine, Mr Belcher?
1428
01:16:37,160 --> 01:16:39,880
It's finished! No,
there's half a bottle here still.
1429
01:16:39,880 --> 01:16:42,640
No, no. I mean all that banging
and rumbling.
1430
01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:45,240
Banging and rumbling? Didn't notice
any banging and rumbling.
1431
01:16:45,240 --> 01:16:48,880
Oh, Sidney, you didn't forget to
take your soda mint before dinner?
1432
01:16:48,880 --> 01:16:51,840
No. I don't mean
that sort of rumbling, madam.
1433
01:16:51,840 --> 01:16:53,520
Oh, you mean the noise outside
just now?
1434
01:16:53,520 --> 01:16:55,480
Yes, that's right!
1435
01:16:55,480 --> 01:16:58,640
Yes. A spot of thunder.
It's the season for it, you know.
1436
01:16:58,640 --> 01:17:02,800
Yes, I remember once when we were in
Poona, we had a shocking storm.
1437
01:17:02,800 --> 01:17:03,880
It really poured down.
1438
01:17:03,880 --> 01:17:06,760
Oh, yes, I remember that very well.
1439
01:17:06,760 --> 01:17:10,040
Yes, I thought you would.
Stark bonkers, the lot of them!
1440
01:17:15,160 --> 01:17:17,200
Ah, the meat course.
1441
01:17:17,200 --> 01:17:19,240
You'll love this.
1442
01:17:22,320 --> 01:17:23,760
1443
01:17:23,760 --> 01:17:25,600
And for my next trick,
I will perform a feat...
1444
01:17:25,600 --> 01:17:28,280
Well, that's not what we ordered,
is it, Sidney?
1445
01:17:28,280 --> 01:17:31,200
Of course it isn't.
Chindi, what's the meaning of this?
1446
01:17:31,200 --> 01:17:33,120
I... I do not know, Your Excellency.
1447
01:17:33,120 --> 01:17:34,840
I ordered suckling pig, didn't I?
1448
01:17:34,840 --> 01:17:36,840
I'm very sorry, Your Excellency.
1449
01:17:36,840 --> 01:17:38,440
Well, take it away, go on.
1450
01:17:40,120 --> 01:17:41,920
You've got to get rid of that cook,
dear.
1451
01:17:41,920 --> 01:17:43,840
Oh, yes!
1452
01:17:45,840 --> 01:17:48,760
Did you wanna go somewhere,
Mr Belcher?
1453
01:17:48,760 --> 01:17:51,280
Mad! That's the fakir's head!
They've killed him!
1454
01:17:51,280 --> 01:17:53,560
Well, that's dashed unsporting.
1455
01:17:53,560 --> 01:17:54,800
Unsporting?!
1456
01:17:54,800 --> 01:17:57,240
Yes, it's the closed season
for fakirs.
1457
01:17:57,240 --> 01:17:59,400
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
1458
01:17:59,400 --> 01:18:01,400
No, it's true. Here.
1459
01:18:01,400 --> 01:18:03,640
Here we are.
April 1st to September 30th.
1460
01:18:03,640 --> 01:18:07,840
Of course. How silly of me.
I should have known.
1461
01:18:07,840 --> 01:18:09,080
Some wine?
1462
01:18:10,840 --> 01:18:12,320
How did they like that?
1463
01:18:12,320 --> 01:18:15,320
They didn't like it.
They're sending it back.
1464
01:18:15,320 --> 01:18:16,960
You mean they're going on
with dinner?
1465
01:18:16,960 --> 01:18:18,480
Yes, Highness.
1466
01:18:18,480 --> 01:18:22,600
Oh, no, this is ridiculous! What
must one do to arouse these idiots?
1467
01:18:22,600 --> 01:18:24,080
I do not know, Highness.
1468
01:18:24,080 --> 01:18:26,040
A thing like that
leaves them unmoved,
1469
01:18:26,040 --> 01:18:29,440
but put the tea in the cup before
the milk and they go berserk!
1470
01:18:29,440 --> 01:18:32,840
It is like they're Sir Francis Drake
finishing his bowls.
1471
01:18:32,840 --> 01:18:36,440
Oh, don't talk bowls to me!
Kill them! Kill them all!
1472
01:18:36,440 --> 01:18:39,320
Attack! Attack! Kill! Kill!
Kill!
1473
01:18:54,360 --> 01:18:56,520
So you and the Princess
plan to get married, Captain?
1474
01:18:56,520 --> 01:18:59,560
That's right, sir.
Oh, I do love a wedding.
1475
01:18:59,560 --> 01:19:03,040
Yeah, good show. Course, I shall put
the Residency at your disposal.
1476
01:19:03,040 --> 01:19:06,880
Well, that's er...
jolly kind of you, Sir.
1477
01:19:10,160 --> 01:19:11,440
What's left of it.
1478
01:19:11,440 --> 01:19:12,720
Pardon?
1479
01:19:12,720 --> 01:19:14,960
I said what's left of it.
1480
01:19:14,960 --> 01:19:18,440
Oh. Eh? Oh, yes. Major Shorthouse,
make a note, will you?
1481
01:19:18,440 --> 01:19:20,320
Have this room decorated.
Yes, sir.
1482
01:19:20,320 --> 01:19:21,720
The termites, you know.
1483
01:19:21,720 --> 01:19:24,120
So, will your mothers and father
be coming, then?
1484
01:19:36,760 --> 01:19:39,760
More wine, Mr Belcher?
1485
01:19:39,760 --> 01:19:43,240
Chindi, get me some more Margaux.
This one's a bit off.
1486
01:19:50,240 --> 01:19:52,040
Ah! Ooh.
1487
01:19:52,040 --> 01:19:54,920
Oh, dear. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
1488
01:19:54,920 --> 01:19:57,320
I seem to have got
a little plastered!
1489
01:19:57,320 --> 01:19:59,480
1490
01:20:07,000 --> 01:20:08,960
1491
01:20:12,280 --> 01:20:14,800
Oh, the orchestra seems to have
stopped playing.
1492
01:20:16,280 --> 01:20:17,880
Ah.
1493
01:20:20,720 --> 01:20:23,400
Bravo! Encore!
1494
01:20:28,200 --> 01:20:32,040
# JOHANN STRAUSS: The Blue Danube
1495
01:20:42,160 --> 01:20:46,160
The gates have gone! Attack!
Kill! Kill!
1496
01:20:58,320 --> 01:21:00,600
Well done, my beautiful warrior!
1497
01:21:00,600 --> 01:21:03,680
Come, we will put them to the sword!
To the sword!
1498
01:21:03,680 --> 01:21:05,560
1499
01:21:05,560 --> 01:21:07,680
1500
01:21:07,680 --> 01:21:10,760
Cor blimey!
You frightened the life out of me!
1501
01:21:18,080 --> 01:21:19,680
I wonder if I might pop outside,
Sir,
1502
01:21:19,680 --> 01:21:21,120
and see if anything's happening?
1503
01:21:21,120 --> 01:21:22,960
But you haven't had your pudding
yet.
1504
01:21:22,960 --> 01:21:25,360
Oh, and it's strawberry mousse.
1505
01:21:25,360 --> 01:21:28,160
Oh. Well, in that case...
1506
01:21:30,440 --> 01:21:32,160
Mr Belcher?
1507
01:21:32,160 --> 01:21:33,800
Mr...
1508
01:21:33,800 --> 01:21:36,320
Mr Belcher?
1509
01:21:36,320 --> 01:21:38,040
Mr Belcher?
1510
01:21:40,400 --> 01:21:42,440
Forgive me. I was er...
1511
01:21:42,440 --> 01:21:44,680
I was adjusting my dickey.
Oh.
1512
01:21:59,880 --> 01:22:01,200
Excuse me for butting in, Sir.
1513
01:22:01,200 --> 01:22:03,720
That's all very well,
but we have got a door.
1514
01:22:03,720 --> 01:22:06,680
Sorry, but this was rather urgent.
All right, what is it?
1515
01:22:06,680 --> 01:22:08,280
They've broken into the compound.
1516
01:22:08,280 --> 01:22:10,400
I say, that's a dashed bad show!
1517
01:22:10,400 --> 01:22:13,600
Perhaps we ought to go out
and have a look, eh, Captain?
1518
01:22:13,600 --> 01:22:15,000
If the ladies will excuse us?
1519
01:22:15,000 --> 01:22:17,880
Oh, yes, of course, dear,
if it's important.
1520
01:22:17,880 --> 01:22:20,080
I'm sure Mr Belcher
will keep you entertained.
1521
01:22:20,080 --> 01:22:21,560
Major Shorthouse, my revolver.
1522
01:22:21,560 --> 01:22:23,440
Of course, Sir.
1523
01:22:23,440 --> 01:22:26,600
Have you got yours, dear,
just in case? Yes, dear.
1524
01:22:26,600 --> 01:22:30,640
Try and save the last bullet for Mr
Belcher. After all, he is our guest.
1525
01:22:30,640 --> 01:22:32,280
Chindi, please.
1526
01:22:32,280 --> 01:22:36,160
(BAND STILL PLAYING THE BLUE DANUBE
WHILE THE BATTLE RAGES ON)
1527
01:22:36,160 --> 01:22:39,480
Don't worry, we'll save you
some strawberry mousse.
1528
01:22:39,480 --> 01:22:41,560
They like strawberry mousse.
1529
01:22:41,560 --> 01:22:45,520
Strawberry mousse!
# Strawberry mousse! Strawberry... #
1530
01:22:45,520 --> 01:22:47,920
1531
01:22:55,760 --> 01:22:57,280
Do you come here often?
1532
01:22:59,280 --> 01:23:00,920
Ow!
1533
01:23:00,920 --> 01:23:03,800
What did you do that for?
I just got a bullet in my sporran.
1534
01:23:03,800 --> 01:23:05,840
Have you? Get back and fight!
1535
01:23:07,280 --> 01:23:09,400
1536
01:23:12,920 --> 01:23:14,920
I think they mean business
this time.
1537
01:23:14,920 --> 01:23:17,040
Looks a bit like it, Sir.
1538
01:23:17,040 --> 01:23:18,720
If, er... you'll excuse me?
1539
01:23:18,720 --> 01:23:19,880
Certainly.
1540
01:23:19,880 --> 01:23:22,080
Permission to, er, have a bash, Sir?
1541
01:23:22,080 --> 01:23:23,680
Yes, go on, enjoy yourself.
Thank you.
1542
01:23:27,680 --> 01:23:29,720
1543
01:23:29,720 --> 01:23:31,640
Do you wish to see me?
1544
01:23:51,880 --> 01:23:54,800
Fall back to the Residency, men!
Fall back!
1545
01:23:54,800 --> 01:23:56,760
Captain Keene.
Sir? Your collar's undone.
1546
01:23:56,760 --> 01:23:58,200
Oh. Sorry, sir.
1547
01:23:59,360 --> 01:24:01,720
I'm afraid we're done for, Sir.
There's too many of them.
1548
01:24:01,720 --> 01:24:03,920
Not yet. Line the men up down there.
1549
01:24:03,920 --> 01:24:05,160
Sir?
1550
01:24:05,160 --> 01:24:07,880
Line them up! Facing the enemy.
Yes, Sir.
1551
01:24:09,440 --> 01:24:11,960
Dis...engage!
1552
01:24:11,960 --> 01:24:15,480
Form one straight line
1553
01:24:15,480 --> 01:24:17,520
facing the enemy!
1554
01:24:21,360 --> 01:24:22,680
Stop!
1555
01:24:22,680 --> 01:24:24,480
Regi, get the Raj.
1556
01:24:24,480 --> 01:24:27,320
Company...kilts...front!
1557
01:24:28,600 --> 01:24:31,840
Go on! There are no devils in skirts
to frighten you now!
1558
01:24:31,840 --> 01:24:34,360
And...raise!
1559
01:24:35,640 --> 01:24:38,160
1560
01:24:38,160 --> 01:24:41,960
Come back! Come back!
There's nothing to be afraid of!
1561
01:24:41,960 --> 01:24:44,080
Oh, I don't know, though.
1562
01:24:44,080 --> 01:24:45,800
Regi!
1563
01:24:47,680 --> 01:24:50,720
All right, Captain, dismiss the men.
Thank you, Sir.
1564
01:24:50,720 --> 01:24:53,960
Carry on, Sergeant Major.
Sir. Right, you dozy lot!
1565
01:24:53,960 --> 01:24:55,440
Move!
1566
01:24:55,440 --> 01:24:58,400
Sidney, dear, are you all right?
I'm top-hole, dear.
1567
01:24:58,400 --> 01:25:01,280
I thought we'd have coffee
in the lounge. Yes, why not?
1568
01:25:01,280 --> 01:25:02,600
Oh, dear.
1569
01:25:04,920 --> 01:25:07,360
That's all right.
We'll clear it up in the morning.
1570
01:25:08,680 --> 01:25:10,520
I was so worried.
1571
01:25:15,080 --> 01:25:17,800
Of course, they're all raving mad,
you know.
119640
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