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1
00:00:01,131 --> 00:00:03,699
♪
2
00:00:03,742 --> 00:00:05,179
So I bit him.
3
00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:08,269
I didn't know what else to do,
so I just bit him.
4
00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:10,967
And I feel like
that was the right move
5
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,970
because he never charged me
for the guitar lesson.
6
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,538
Okay! On to other business.
7
00:00:16,581 --> 00:00:19,149
We have an exciting
new villain...
8
00:00:19,193 --> 00:00:21,630
Anastasia Kirilenko.
9
00:00:21,673 --> 00:00:24,154
Kirilenko? That sounds Russian.
10
00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:27,288
That's right! The Russians
are doing shit again!
11
00:00:27,331 --> 00:00:29,551
[all cheering]
12
00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:32,206
The Russians?!
They dance like this.
13
00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:35,600
Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
Ha! Hey! Yeah, yeah!
14
00:00:35,644 --> 00:00:37,211
Yeah, yeah! Yeah!
15
00:00:37,254 --> 00:00:39,735
Ha ha! That's right, Styles!
They do!
16
00:00:39,778 --> 00:00:42,564
Jackson has painted a fresco
on the ceiling
17
00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:44,348
detailing the mission.
18
00:00:44,392 --> 00:00:48,178
Now, this is for you
visual learners and also for me,
19
00:00:48,222 --> 00:00:50,920
because I got bananas high
before this meeting.
20
00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:52,487
Jackson!
21
00:00:52,530 --> 00:00:55,359
JACKSON: We intercepted an order
from Kirilenko's IP address
22
00:00:55,403 --> 00:00:56,969
to the American Girl
doll store...
23
00:00:57,013 --> 00:00:58,188
AVERY: Ohh!
24
00:00:58,232 --> 00:00:59,426
JACKSON:
...where Kirilenko's daughter
25
00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,583
ordered a special,
one-of-a-kind doll.
26
00:01:01,626 --> 00:01:03,063
AVERY: Hmm!
27
00:01:03,106 --> 00:01:05,282
JACKSON: The plan is
to put a bug in the doll...
28
00:01:05,326 --> 00:01:06,433
- AVERY: Dude.
- JACKSON: ...and ship it to
29
00:01:06,457 --> 00:01:08,807
- the Kirilenko compound.
- AVERY: Whoa.
30
00:01:08,851 --> 00:01:11,506
JACKSON: We'll finally be able
to listen in on the Russian mob.
31
00:01:11,549 --> 00:01:13,247
AVERY: Yeah.
32
00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:16,511
We've coordinated
with American Girl,
33
00:01:16,554 --> 00:01:18,556
as we do on most missions,
34
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,516
and they're giving us access to
the doll before it's delivered.
35
00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:23,692
We just need an agent
to go to the mall.
36
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:24,867
- I got it!
- Oh! Me!
37
00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:26,279
I'll do anything
to get out of work.
38
00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:28,871
That's what I like to hear!
39
00:01:28,914 --> 00:01:32,440
Pick up the doll.
Bring it to work Monday morning.
40
00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:34,529
I will be busy all weekend,
41
00:01:34,572 --> 00:01:37,488
posing for my deputy director
portrait.
42
00:01:38,707 --> 00:01:40,361
Who said you people could go?
43
00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:45,192
[patriotic music plays]
44
00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:47,759
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
45
00:01:47,803 --> 00:01:51,763
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
46
00:01:51,807 --> 00:01:54,940
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
47
00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:58,727
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
48
00:02:00,859 --> 00:02:04,298
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
49
00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:06,387
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
50
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:07,562
Aah!
51
00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:12,654
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
52
00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:14,371
[Boyz 12's "Girl You Need a
Shot [Of B12 [Boyz 12]]" plays]
53
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:17,441
♪ Oh, girl,
you need a shot of B12 ♪
54
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:19,289
- ♪ Break it out! ♪
- ♪ I'm B1 and I'm tons... ♪
55
00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:20,705
[radio clicks]
56
00:02:20,749 --> 00:02:23,186
Steve, why are you hanging
around this old factory?
57
00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,971
Uhh, this is my high school,
Dad.
58
00:02:26,015 --> 00:02:28,713
You just met Mr. Brink
at my parent-teacher conference.
59
00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:30,237
I thought that was your foreman.
60
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,195
No wonder he wouldn't show me
his jackhammer.
61
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:33,849
Well, punch out
and let's go to the mall.
62
00:02:35,242 --> 00:02:37,461
Were you just listening
to the boy band I was in?
63
00:02:37,505 --> 00:02:39,047
Yeah, they've been playing it
a lot recently
64
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:40,353
since some psychopath's
been murdering
65
00:02:40,377 --> 00:02:42,162
all the band members one by one.
66
00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:43,946
I have been getting
a lot more calls
67
00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:45,948
that are just heaving breathing
lately.
68
00:02:45,991 --> 00:02:47,776
I thought it was Barry.
69
00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:49,386
[birds chirping]
70
00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:52,041
I'm sorry we have to go
to this lame doll store.
71
00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:54,174
These dolls are amazing.
72
00:02:54,217 --> 00:02:56,045
Did you know
each American Girl doll
73
00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,003
has a rich historical backstory?
74
00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,242
I don't like
where this is going.
75
00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:02,094
This is Koko. She's from Hawaii.
76
00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:05,054
"Her aloha spirit
kept her family together
77
00:03:05,097 --> 00:03:08,188
on that fateful December morning
in 1941,
78
00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:10,494
when the bombs fell
from the lani."
79
00:03:10,538 --> 00:03:12,192
That's Hawaiian for "sky."
80
00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:16,457
No shit. Steve, you're a boy.
And boys don't play with dolls.
81
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:17,893
How about Helena?
82
00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:21,331
Her family died of dysentery
during the Civil War.
83
00:03:21,375 --> 00:03:23,681
Dad! Hasn't Helena
been through enough?!
84
00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:26,728
Look at my foot.
It has been put down.
85
00:03:26,771 --> 00:03:28,860
♪
86
00:03:28,904 --> 00:03:32,647
Hi! I'm Bob, and this is
my best friend, Maisie!
87
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:35,127
[groans]
88
00:03:35,171 --> 00:03:39,131
Ooh! The one-of-a-kind
Piper special edition!
89
00:03:39,175 --> 00:03:41,525
[high-pitched]
"You're one lucky boy!"
90
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:42,787
It's not for him!
91
00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:46,574
Ohh.
A fellow adult doll enthusiast.
92
00:03:46,617 --> 00:03:49,054
[whispering] We should
get together and play sometime.
93
00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:51,927
♪
94
00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:54,321
ANNOUNCER: From the creators
of "Young Sheldon" comes...
95
00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:56,018
"Even Younger Sheldon."
96
00:03:56,061 --> 00:03:57,585
Yuck. It's just a fetus.
97
00:03:57,628 --> 00:03:59,239
I get out of here throughwhere?
98
00:03:59,282 --> 00:04:01,284
Uh, no, thank you.
99
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:03,678
- [chuckles] Okay.
- [door closes]
100
00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:06,420
I just had the tightest dinner
with Jurgen.
101
00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:09,597
We destroyed
the Chimdale Ruth's Chris.
102
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,599
What gives, Klaus?
You never have any money.
103
00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,253
It was Jurgen's treat.
104
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:16,778
I did his taxes and got him
a three-figure refund.
105
00:04:16,821 --> 00:04:19,128
I didn't know you did taxes.
Can you help me with mine?
106
00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:22,305
Sure. You thinking standard
or itemized deduction?
107
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:26,004
Those are the exact types of
questions I'm trying to avoid.
108
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:28,964
And that's how I know Jackson
is having a jazz party tonight.
109
00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:31,662
Can you believe he didn't
skee-bop-ba-doo-bop-invite me?
110
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:36,450
Uh-huh. So Dr. Weitzman switched
yours and Jeff's consciousness?!
111
00:04:36,493 --> 00:04:38,234
Yeah, Mom.
This is me... Hayley.
112
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,235
The crazy thing is...
113
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,063
And this is for couples therapy?
114
00:04:41,106 --> 00:04:42,456
Can we get back to my...
115
00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:44,806
[mimicking Jeff] Babe,
I think I got your period.
116
00:04:44,849 --> 00:04:46,808
I understand you now.
117
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:49,811
I just had to walk a mile
in your tampon.
118
00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:52,770
[groans]
No one cares about my problems.
119
00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:55,207
Oh! I forgot you were up there.
120
00:04:55,251 --> 00:04:58,341
Just like Jackson forgot
to invite me to his jazz party.
121
00:04:58,385 --> 00:05:00,038
Or maybe it was on purpose.
122
00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:02,127
This is ridiculous!
I'm talking to a doll!
123
00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:10,092
A little dark in there.
124
00:05:10,962 --> 00:05:12,790
Now I see on Instagram
125
00:05:12,834 --> 00:05:15,271
Hooper is having
a bluegrass thing right now!
126
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,665
He wanted me to see it!
He tagged me!
127
00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:19,580
I'm acting like a crazy person.
128
00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:21,321
You can't hear me
through that box.
129
00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:24,541
Hi.
130
00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:30,286
Good morning USA, Piper.
Whatcha got there?
131
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,462
Oh, right, you're an orphan
from the Depression era
132
00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:34,725
and you write poetry
for scraps of food.
133
00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:36,640
These are really good.
134
00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:38,294
Did you squiggle them yourself?
135
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,123
You know, I wrote a poem once,
about ham.
136
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,646
But it didn't go very well.
137
00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,344
My friend fake-humped me
138
00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:47,390
and then took the ham-carving
position I wanted.
139
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:50,088
Has that ever happened to you
with your poetry, Piper?
140
00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:51,438
[insects chirping]
141
00:05:51,481 --> 00:05:53,048
Where's your dad?
142
00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:55,833
And then I saw another guy
last week that was like 6'4"!
143
00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:57,139
I don't know if I'm just lucky
144
00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:58,880
or if it's something
about the store,
145
00:05:58,923 --> 00:06:01,796
but I always see
really tall guys at Home Depot.
146
00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:04,407
♪
147
00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:07,802
Smith? Where's the doll?!
148
00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,586
O-Oh, my God.
I totally forgot I had it.
149
00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:10,990
Senior moment.
[chuckles nervously]
150
00:06:11,022 --> 00:06:12,609
I-I think the problem is
that I don't care
151
00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:14,199
about that amazing doll at all.
152
00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:15,418
I'll bring it in tomorrow.
153
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:17,333
Sorry about the, uh...
pbht! brain fart!
154
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,336
Good fart noise, Smith!
155
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,424
[tires screech]
156
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:24,601
So, I told our joke at... oh...
157
00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:27,517
at work today,
and everybody laughed!
158
00:06:27,561 --> 00:06:30,172
♪
159
00:06:30,215 --> 00:06:31,279
So, you see,
these tax write-offs
160
00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:32,827
that you've grouped together,
161
00:06:32,870 --> 00:06:36,570
I spread them over two
categories and saved you $15.
162
00:06:36,613 --> 00:06:38,833
$15?! Wow!
163
00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:41,966
I'm gonna have so much change
to take to Nipples and Nickels,
164
00:06:42,010 --> 00:06:43,814
the only strip club
that lets you tip in nickels.
165
00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,622
By the way,
can I get that in nickels?
166
00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:47,537
They don't make change
at Nipples and Nickels.
167
00:06:47,581 --> 00:06:50,192
Furthermore, I'm
recommending you to everyone.
168
00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:52,760
I-I don't know if I have time
for any more clients!
169
00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:54,457
Raider Dave!
170
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:57,155
Tax question...
If I beat a man with a tire iron
171
00:06:57,199 --> 00:06:59,723
in the stadium parking lot,
is that deductible?
172
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,464
I'll have to look into it.
173
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:03,292
If it makes a difference,
he started it.
174
00:07:03,335 --> 00:07:06,034
His wife and small children
were wearing Broncos jerseys...
175
00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:07,427
in Denver, no less.
176
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:09,429
That's Raider country!
177
00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:10,865
[birds chirping]
178
00:07:10,908 --> 00:07:11,908
[doorbell rings]
179
00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:16,261
Hey, Steve! Agent Styles!
180
00:07:16,305 --> 00:07:18,133
I know your dad's
been out sick for a week,
181
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:20,483
and clearly you've caught it,
whatever it is,
182
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:21,895
but I need to get something
from him.
183
00:07:21,919 --> 00:07:24,139
Rogu.
184
00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:26,620
Whoa! You sound like shit!
185
00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:29,274
[accordion playing]
186
00:07:29,318 --> 00:07:31,668
I so treasure these talks
with you, Piper.
187
00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:34,323
The world's greatest treasure
is found
188
00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:36,194
in the words of friendship.
189
00:07:36,238 --> 00:07:39,763
Wow, Piper! Only you can make
Smash Mouth lyrics...
190
00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:42,287
which I assume those were...
sound so beautiful.
191
00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:43,506
- [door opens]
- STYLES: Stan?
192
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:46,204
Styles!
What are you doing in Paris?!
193
00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:49,077
♪
194
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,560
Okay.
Uh, what were we talking about?
195
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,646
Sports cars, right?
My favorite is Lamborghini.
196
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,691
It's so fast.
197
00:07:54,735 --> 00:07:56,650
What the hell is going on
with you, Stan?
198
00:07:56,693 --> 00:07:58,129
Okay. Let me explain.
199
00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:01,437
Like most flashbacks,
this one starts in the past.
200
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,371
-[up-tempo '50s music plays]
-STAN: After my dad left,
201
00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:05,789
my mother had to raise me
all on her own.
202
00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:07,182
Without a dad to guide me,
203
00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:09,489
she was afraid
I'd turn out too girly.
204
00:08:09,532 --> 00:08:11,142
So she had very strict rules
205
00:08:11,186 --> 00:08:12,622
about what boys could play with.
206
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:14,711
Aah!
207
00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:16,539
♪
208
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,149
Aah!
209
00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:22,806
♪
210
00:08:22,850 --> 00:08:25,940
I thought I told you
to throw out that stupid doll!
211
00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:27,724
But she's my best friend!
212
00:08:27,768 --> 00:08:31,380
Look at my foot.
It has been put down.
213
00:08:31,423 --> 00:08:32,729
Aah!
214
00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:34,296
[harp plays]
215
00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:36,341
So I guess that's why I went...
216
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:38,387
a little overboard
with all this.
217
00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,520
I've been keeping this inside
for way too long.
218
00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:43,000
But now I've had a breakthrough.
I'm all better!
219
00:08:43,044 --> 00:08:44,219
Just like that?
220
00:08:44,262 --> 00:08:46,526
I guess I'm just
super-healthy mentally.
221
00:08:46,569 --> 00:08:50,051
Here.
This doll needs to go to Russia.
222
00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:51,661
You have a lovely home.
223
00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:54,882
I guess I should tidy up.
224
00:08:56,187 --> 00:08:58,581
Oh. Huh. Piper left her jacket.
225
00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:01,845
♪ It's overdue ♪
226
00:09:01,889 --> 00:09:03,368
ANNOUNCER: That was B12,
227
00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:05,806
now with only seven
surviving members!
228
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:06,913
STAN:
Piper needs her jacket!
229
00:09:06,937 --> 00:09:08,591
- [tires popping, screeching]
- Aah!
230
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:10,201
[crowd screaming]
231
00:09:11,681 --> 00:09:14,597
You can't be trusted with Piper!
You're a terrible driver!
232
00:09:16,904 --> 00:09:19,167
When I saw
you'd left your jacket,
233
00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:21,604
I realized you were
sending me a message.
234
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:24,389
You didn't want to go any more
than I wanted you to leave.
235
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,870
It's all true, Stan!
236
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:30,395
Piper, you're the best
doll friend I've ever had.
237
00:09:30,439 --> 00:09:32,833
I can't let you go
now that I've found you.
238
00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:36,010
Stan, the CIA really wants me
to go to Russia.
239
00:09:36,053 --> 00:09:38,229
They're probably
gonna come after me.
240
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:40,884
If I know the CIA,
they'll be after me, as well.
241
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,364
They'll think
this is all my idea.
242
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:44,061
They don't know anything
about friendship.
243
00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:45,193
We need to run.
244
00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:47,108
Yeah. We'll lie low
for a few years,
245
00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:49,066
then I'll come back
for Francine and Rogu.
246
00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:51,416
[birds chirping]
247
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:54,028
♪
248
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:57,031
Did you have any unusual
expenses this year?
249
00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,946
Got a full penis tattoo
of Dale Earnhardt.
250
00:09:58,989 --> 00:10:00,251
Totally butchered it.
251
00:10:00,295 --> 00:10:02,036
Looks like Milhouse
from The Simpsons.
252
00:10:02,079 --> 00:10:04,691
I accidentally ejaculated
on a Nagel painting
253
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:06,407
and was forced to purchase it
from the museum.
254
00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:08,303
Neigh!
255
00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:12,394
Did you receive unreported
tip income of $20 or more?
256
00:10:12,437 --> 00:10:14,091
I have no need for a job.
257
00:10:14,135 --> 00:10:16,920
I exchange smoothies
for used clothes.
258
00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:19,053
I received a trampoline
as a business gift
259
00:10:19,096 --> 00:10:21,664
from a prostitute
I am deeply in love with.
260
00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:25,581
Did you make any... contributions
to a retirement plan?
261
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,670
- No.
- No.
262
00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:29,411
[slurps] No.
263
00:10:29,454 --> 00:10:32,806
And roughly what was your income
this year?
264
00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:35,591
Mama gives me a nickel
if I don't touch myself!
265
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,874
Where were you the night of the
Sadie Hawkins dance haunting?
266
00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:39,116
Aah!
267
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,292
WOMAN [whispering]:
Ricky Spanish.
268
00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:44,034
Sorry. I couldn't hear you
over the stabbing.
269
00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:46,689
How much did you say you donated
to the Audubon Society?
270
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:51,955
WOMAN [whispering]: $17,428.
271
00:10:54,697 --> 00:10:56,917
[indistinct conversations]
272
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,527
I'm gonna buy you
some sugar cereal,
273
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,355
but it's only because
we're on vacation.
274
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:01,922
Now we have some breaking news.
275
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:04,011
This just in from
Langley Falls, Virginia.
276
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:05,926
Here's a picture
of the suspects,
277
00:11:05,969 --> 00:11:08,189
- who are still at large.
- [gunshot]
278
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:09,669
Sorry. That just went off.
279
00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:11,366
By the way,
that was not me on the TV,
280
00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:13,542
this is a normal doll,
and I'm a normal man.
281
00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:16,893
Now, where do you keep your hair
dye, like, for normal disguises?
282
00:11:18,025 --> 00:11:20,331
Well, Stan,
you've done it again.
283
00:11:20,375 --> 00:11:22,812
Your most fiendishly clever
disguise yet.
284
00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:24,945
Even my own family
would never suspect
285
00:11:24,988 --> 00:11:26,773
that I'm not Barry Manilow.
286
00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:28,165
[suspenseful music plays]
287
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:33,475
It's all worth it.
288
00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:36,391
Such a little angel.
289
00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:40,569
♪
290
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:43,572
Did your... friend
not like her eggs?
291
00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:45,655
What are you talking about?
She ate the whole thing.
292
00:11:47,184 --> 00:11:50,013
[indistinct conversations]
293
00:11:50,057 --> 00:11:54,148
Let's pay cash. Don't want
the CIA tracking my card.
294
00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:55,802
You're right. No huge tips.
295
00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:57,978
Don't want to end up a segment
on the local news.
296
00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:00,110
Let me just do
a quick Yelp review.
297
00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:01,590
STYLES: I found Stan!
298
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:03,548
[mouse clicking]
299
00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:05,463
And he's driving west on 68!
300
00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:08,075
[birds chirping]
301
00:12:09,206 --> 00:12:10,646
- STAN: What the...
- [brakes squeak]
302
00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,998
I have access to your memories!
303
00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:20,870
♪
304
00:12:20,914 --> 00:12:22,785
No!
She doesn't like it in there!
305
00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:25,005
She's going to Russia, Smith.
306
00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:27,529
And there's nothing
you can do about it.
307
00:12:27,572 --> 00:12:29,096
Putting the hose down.
308
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:31,620
[engine starts]
309
00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:33,883
[sobs]
310
00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:36,103
Doll is lost!
311
00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:39,976
♪
312
00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:41,804
What's wrong, Stan?
313
00:12:41,848 --> 00:12:44,938
Oh, Towel Swan, I don't know.
Am I becoming unhinged?
314
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:46,635
What?! No!
315
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:49,725
You're as hinged as a door, bro.
316
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,596
You need to go find Piper.
317
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,685
But she's halfway to Russia
already!
318
00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:57,951
This isn't the Stan I know.
This looks like a crybaby.
319
00:12:57,994 --> 00:13:00,954
I'm not a crybaby!
But I'm just one man.
320
00:13:00,997 --> 00:13:04,305
I can't go halfway to Russia
all by myself. I need a team.
321
00:13:04,348 --> 00:13:06,263
Don't worry.
We'll help you, Stan.
322
00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:09,701
[up-tempo show tune plays]
323
00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:11,921
♪ We'll help Stan,
he's our friend... ♪
324
00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:13,575
STAN:
Shut up! Piper's missing!
325
00:13:13,618 --> 00:13:15,838
Sorry. You guys are great.
Don't get me wrong.
326
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:18,319
But I need you to hang back here
at headquarters
327
00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:20,190
while I put a team together
to get her.
328
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:22,497
Wait. Say that again.
329
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:25,761
Get a team together...
to get her.
330
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,329
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
331
00:13:28,372 --> 00:13:30,331
[birds chirping]
332
00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:31,854
I need you for a job,
333
00:13:31,898 --> 00:13:34,465
and word is you've got
the résumé I'm looking for...
334
00:13:34,509 --> 00:13:38,513
Special Forces, black ops,
67 confirmed kills.
335
00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:40,820
[Southern accent]
I left that life behind.
336
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:43,692
Then I guess I'll have to
save Piper by myself.
337
00:13:43,735 --> 00:13:45,520
Piper's in trouble?
338
00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:47,783
Well, why the hell
didn't you say so?
339
00:13:49,306 --> 00:13:51,265
[dramatic music plays]
340
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:54,224
♪
341
00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:56,487
What took you so long?
342
00:13:56,531 --> 00:14:00,535
♪
343
00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:02,015
[metal scraping]
344
00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:06,802
♪
345
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,978
I'm in, baby.
346
00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:10,980
♪
347
00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:12,242
[gunshot]
348
00:14:13,983 --> 00:14:15,656
[Southern accent]
We'll bring the sweet tea.
349
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,205
[gun cocks]
350
00:14:18,248 --> 00:14:20,250
♪
351
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:22,557
That'll be $6,000.
352
00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:27,388
[jet engines humming]
353
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:30,565
Hi. I need eight tickets
to Moscow. First class.
354
00:14:30,608 --> 00:14:32,045
[keyboard clacking]
355
00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:35,309
Ooh. We only have seven
first-class seats available.
356
00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:37,398
[engines humming]
357
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:50,846
♪
358
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,196
There.
Now that I've framed my poster,
359
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,417
this finally feels like
a grown-up's alcove.
360
00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:58,027
I should have a dinner party.
361
00:14:58,071 --> 00:15:00,160
Klaus Heisler,
you're in big trouble!
362
00:15:00,203 --> 00:15:01,726
What?! What's this about?
363
00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:04,555
Maynard Butterbean, IRS auditor.
364
00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:08,690
You've been convicted of filing
147 fraudulent tax returns.
365
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:10,953
Convicted?
D-Don't I get a trial?
366
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:14,391
A trial? This isn't TV, bro.
You're going to jail!
367
00:15:14,435 --> 00:15:17,786
I-I'll admit, I took a few
liberties, but everyone does it.
368
00:15:17,829 --> 00:15:20,136
This isn't cocaine, sir.
Not everyone does this.
369
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:21,877
We're seizing all your assets.
370
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,966
Assets? I don't have any...
371
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:25,489
[gasps] No!
372
00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:26,969
[glass shatters]
373
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:29,754
I spent $700 at Aaron Brothers
getting that framed!
374
00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:31,539
Hit him with the Tasers, boys.
375
00:15:31,582 --> 00:15:32,995
- [gasps and grunts]
- [Taser crackling]
376
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:34,672
Roger, you jerk.
377
00:15:34,716 --> 00:15:35,935
- [Taser crackling]
- [grunts]
378
00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:37,434
- Are you busy Saturday?
- [Taser crackling]
379
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:39,373
[screams] I'm having
a little dinner party.
380
00:15:39,416 --> 00:15:41,114
[groans]
381
00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:42,550
I'll be there.
382
00:15:42,593 --> 00:15:47,424
♪
383
00:15:47,468 --> 00:15:49,426
[man grunts]
384
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:52,516
There's no dying in baseball.
385
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:55,215
Emma, you're in
a league of your own.
386
00:15:57,521 --> 00:15:59,436
[beep, gate whirs]
387
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:04,398
[dramatic music plays]
388
00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:05,877
How are we gonna get past them?
389
00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:09,055
Me and Debbie can handle
those cold-blooded Russians.
390
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,534
STAN [high-pitched]:
Hey, boys!
391
00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:16,236
[men grunting]
392
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:18,934
[normal voice]
You're a miracle on ice.
393
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,109
[smooches]
394
00:16:21,719 --> 00:16:24,026
[suspenseful music plays]
395
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,897
♪
396
00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:27,029
[farts]
397
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:28,726
- Shh!
- [gun cocks]
398
00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:31,207
[Russian accent]
Bad timing on that squeaky fart.
399
00:16:31,251 --> 00:16:33,470
You're a dead man, Amerikanskiy.
400
00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:35,777
Uh, I think my friend Madison
401
00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:38,040
might have something to say
about that.
402
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,172
[tires screech]
403
00:16:39,215 --> 00:16:40,390
Aw, yeah!
404
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:43,176
I'm comin' to get ya!
405
00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:45,047
[engine whirring softly]
406
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:47,180
[whirring stops]
407
00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:50,835
Your American car is no match
for our Russian wall.
408
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:52,315
[both laughing]
409
00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:57,103
Wow. I thought Russians
were supposed to be tough.
410
00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:59,366
[suspenseful music plays]
411
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,237
[gun clicks]
412
00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:04,936
Damn it. I brought seven dolls
but only two bullets.
413
00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:06,479
[Russian accent]
You're all out of bullets...
414
00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:08,114
all out of dolls...
415
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:10,420
and all out of luck.
416
00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:11,856
That's where you're wrong.
417
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:14,468
I don't need luck,
because I have Mai.
418
00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:15,947
Get him, Mai!
419
00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:17,471
Hahhh!
420
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:20,648
[gun cocks]
421
00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:22,345
- [grunts]
- [gunshot]
422
00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:24,478
Russians be trippin'.
423
00:17:24,521 --> 00:17:27,307
Piper! Where are you?
424
00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:29,396
[footsteps approaching]
425
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:36,359
Zoya Kirilenko.
Anastasia's daughter.
426
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:40,276
[Russian accent] Oh, Piper,
I have had such a tough day.
427
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,497
What's that? Oh, thank you!
428
00:17:43,540 --> 00:17:45,499
You always know
just what to say.
429
00:17:46,935 --> 00:17:48,893
[Russian accent]
Here you are.
430
00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:50,243
I thought I told you
431
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,158
- to throw out that stupid doll!
- But, Mother!
432
00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:55,074
You will run this organization
when I'm gone,
433
00:17:55,117 --> 00:17:58,599
but you'll never be a leader
of men if you play with dolls.
434
00:17:58,642 --> 00:18:00,079
I can do both!
435
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:03,647
Look at my foot.
It has been put down.
436
00:18:06,215 --> 00:18:08,478
[gasps]
Where were you when I farted?
437
00:18:08,522 --> 00:18:10,045
[birds chirping]
438
00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:13,092
You came back for me!
439
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:15,311
Of course I did.
440
00:18:15,355 --> 00:18:18,836
I can tell by the look
on your face something's wrong.
441
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,664
According to
the American Girl Feelings Book,
442
00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:22,231
you're concerned
about something,
443
00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:25,800
like speaking up in class
or saying hi to the new girl.
444
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:27,193
What is it, Stan?
445
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:29,934
Piper, you've filled a hole
in my life
446
00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:33,199
that my wife, children, SUV,
and alien never could.
447
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:34,939
Aww. That's so sweet.
448
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:37,725
But I can tell there's something
you're not saying.
449
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:41,468
I've realized there's someone
who needs you more than I do.
450
00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:43,905
[sobbing]
451
00:18:43,948 --> 00:18:45,907
Piper! You're back!
452
00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:47,604
[voice breaking]
Treat her well.
453
00:18:47,648 --> 00:18:49,737
Thank you. I will.
454
00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:53,132
She's got a milk allergy,
so she only drinks Diet Sprite.
455
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:55,830
And she can't sleep without
her Blake Griffin plushy.
456
00:18:55,873 --> 00:18:58,398
Yeah, I know. It's on her box.
457
00:18:58,441 --> 00:18:59,616
[down-tempo music plays]
458
00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:02,315
Bye, Piper.
459
00:19:02,358 --> 00:19:04,099
Goodbye, Stan.
460
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,146
♪
461
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,191
Oh. I'm not crazy anymore.
462
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:11,802
She's all yours.
463
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,978
But what about my mother?
She said...
464
00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:16,981
Oh, I wouldn't worry
about your mother anymore.
465
00:19:19,419 --> 00:19:23,292
Imagine... a mother who wouldn't
let her child play with dolls.
466
00:19:23,336 --> 00:19:25,381
[suspenseful music plays]
467
00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:29,168
[engine starts]
468
00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:31,996
[explosion, metal clattering,
flames crackling]
469
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,321
Good thing there's not more
than one way to mess up a kid.
470
00:19:34,347 --> 00:19:37,872
♪
471
00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:41,876
- You did it, Smith!
- I know.
472
00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:43,399
Piper has a great new home
473
00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:45,923
with a girl that loves her
just as much as I did.
474
00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:48,752
No, I mean getting the bug
back in the house
475
00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:50,972
and taking out Kirilenko.
476
00:19:51,015 --> 00:19:53,975
Now when the daughter
takes over the organization,
477
00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:56,195
we'll know their every move.
478
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:57,544
We're getting something!
479
00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:02,331
ZOYA:
Can I tell you a secret, Piper?
480
00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:03,767
I believe in mermaids.
481
00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:06,770
This is great intel, Smith!
482
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:09,382
[insects chirping]
483
00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:12,123
[suspenseful music plays]
484
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:17,564
♪
485
00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:19,174
- STAN: Steve?
- [gasps]
486
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,480
[screaming]
487
00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:21,916
Oh!
488
00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:24,266
[grunts]
489
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,007
[groaning]
490
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,231
[groans]
491
00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:35,321
Steve, I got you the American
Girl doll you've always wanted!
492
00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:37,323
Oh, Dad, it's okay.
493
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:39,194
I'm... I'm not really
into that anymore.
494
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,414
Son, I've realized I was wrong
495
00:20:41,457 --> 00:20:43,720
when I told you
boys couldn't play with dolls.
496
00:20:43,764 --> 00:20:45,983
So... play away.
497
00:20:46,027 --> 00:20:47,724
And put on this lipstick.
498
00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:50,031
Oh... kay.
499
00:20:50,074 --> 00:20:52,163
Mm.
500
00:20:52,207 --> 00:20:54,601
You're a good dad, Stan.
501
00:20:55,950 --> 00:20:58,300
Bye! Have a great time!
502
00:20:58,350 --> 00:21:02,900
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