Original subtitles

Oh, that is much better.

I can't believe my girlfriend is making me change

to go to a bachelor party.

I'm doing you a favor.

You can't wear your good shirt to a strip club.

You're gonna get it covered

in glitter and Kim Kardashian perfume.

Don't jinx it.

I mean, I personally don't get strip clubs.

I mean, if you want to hang out

with a broken girl with dead eyes,

you can hang out with me for free.

Yeah? You're not free.

But you are cool with the strip club thing,

so I appreciate that.

One point for you.

How many points do you have?

Oh, I'm up by a lot.

Trust me, I am psyched for you to go to the strip club.

It gives me the night off.

I mean, let someone else pretend

to enjoy bouncing up and down on you for the night.

Classy.

- Love you. - Love you too.

I do have one rule though.

No going into any private champagne rooms.

I would never have sex with a stripper

in a private champagne room.

How am I supposed to high-five my friends?

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Well, I mean, I'm a very independent woman.

I make my own money, I own my own condo,

I drink alone.

Well, I mean, I don't always drink alone.

I just seem to be drinking alone a lot more

since the divorce.

Which was not my fault, by the way.

He just felt I was emasculating him

because I make more money than him.

- And he was a little bitch. - Oh.

Okay, I'm gonna call it.

Uh, time out.

Dude, if you want to run, now's your chance.

- Wh... - Thanks, bro.

How could you interrupt me like that?

I was about to tell him, "no pressure to have kids,

because I already froze my eggs."

Wow, hearing that just froze my eggs.

Roxanne, that was over

from the moment you bought him a drink.

All right, like you're such a pimp with the ladies.

- Call me? - Oh.

Yeah, you know it.

Pimp says, "in yo' face."

So I accidentally recorded Downtown Abbey,

which is about a girl named abbey who goes...

Downtown.

Are you checking someone out?

No.

Neal, we're allowed to check people out

in front of each other. We're friends now.

We can do this.

Okay, then... yes.

I think v-neck sweater guy is really cute.

Yeah, yeah.

He's okay.

But?

I don't know, I mean,

he's, like, one mystic tan away

from checking a different box on the census.

Roxanne, I'm telling you,

you have to change your whole game.

You're not in your 20s anymore.

Guys actually listen to what you say now.

You can't just chug vodka, toss your panties in your purse,

and call it a night.

How dare you!

I call that a morning.

Ah.

Dude, it's, like, keeping me out.

I got the keys.

Hey, little lady!

Hey, pretty lady!

Guess who's back?

I want... I want a kiss on my mouth.

And sex on my body.

Aw, you went to a gentlemen's club,

and you came home a gentleman.

Hey, check it out.

$1 million idea...

Urinals in taxicabs.

It's like, you're... You're peeing anyway.

Why wouldn't you do that? And why wouldn't you do that?

Hey, listen.

- Shh! Shut up! - Oh.

Why... why won't you marry me?

- Wow. - No, listen to me.

I never ask you that question

'cause I know how much it annoys you.

But I was out with the guys tonight, and we were drinking,

just having a fun time,

and I had to pretend that I don't...

I'm so cool with not marrying you.

Hello, that's not what I'm in here for.

That's ridiculous.

I want... I don't... I hate that.

And I hate you.

Yo, just kidding.

I want to marry you.

Oh, my God. Are you proposing right now?

Uh, no. The room's spinning,

and it has nothing to do with proposing.

Psych! Will you marry me?

Okay. Alex.

Why can't you say yes? You never say yes.

Wh... what is... I can s...

It doesn't even matter what I say.

- It doesn't. - Whit, Whit!

- I'm pregnant. - Okay.

- Okay, I... - Shh. Listen.

Just zip it, dude.

- Okay. - Please, I wanna marry you.

Will you marry me?

Will you marry me? Will you marry me?

Will you marry me?

Will you marry me?

We can have sex, yeah, sure, but don't jostle me.

Okay, honey, honey. No, no bowls.

Bring the bowls, bring the bowls.

- No bowls, no bowls. - Bring the bowls.

- Come on, come on. - No bowls.

I'm leaving the bowls.

- Oh, my God! - Okay, no.

Wait, so he actually proposed?

No, no, he was hammered. He didn't mean it.

What did you say?

Well, I spent most of the night saying,

"no, that's my belly button."

No, what did you say to the proposal?

I don't kn... I was stunned.

And then he said that I would never say yes

because I don't trust him.

- Is that true? - No, I do trust him.

And I didn't say no.

Wow, Whit, I think you might be getting over your damage.

I want to believe you,

but the voices in my head think you're crazy.

- Just, you know... - Well, I think this is growth.

I mean, a couple years ago,

you would have sabotaged your relationship by now...

Make a mess of your life. You'd be sleeping on my couch.

No offense, lily.

Mm, it's fine.

And I've done way more than sleep on this couch.

Hey. How you feeling?

Oh, you could see me? Hmm.

I thought I died.

Hey, so do you want to talk about last night?

I mean, when you came home,

you admitted something pretty big.

- Oh, God. - No, it's okay.

Look, I get why you'd think I'd be freaked out,

but I'm not.

You know, let's just deal with this.

Oh, God. All right.

Look, I'm not sure how it all went down,

I don't remember,

but I know I probably didn't say it

the way I wanted to say it. So...

Yes, I went to the champagne room.

What?

Or, maybe... Did I tell you something else?

That was the one thing I asked you not to do.

Look, okay, but it's not like I wanted to go in, all right?

All my friends went in. What was I supposed to do?

Sit out by myself in the main room like a loser?

Oh, no.

You should have definitely gone in the dark room

and got herpes on your hands like a winner.

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

It was stupid, it was peer pressure.

But I promise you, nothing happened.

Okay, you can't promise me that,

because you clearly don't remember

- everything you did last night. - Whit, come on.

Do you remember dancing for me?

- Yes, I do. - Okay, because you didn't.

Would you like me to now? Would that make things better?

Okay, this isn't funny. I trusted you.

And you can still trust me.

Do you want to look through my phone?

Look through my pockets.

Look, I have nothing to hide at all.

Okay. A matchbook from a strip club.

All right, I swear to God I was not smoking.

Who's Britnee?

And why did she give you her phone number?

I don't even know what that is.

Some girl obviously just wrote it herself

and put it in my pocket.

That's not better.

Okay.

I'm going for a walk

because I'm gonna start breaking things,

and then I'd have to go to the apple store,

and I do not have the energy for the genius bar today.

All right, I can't remember all the details,

but I know for sure I didn't do anything with a stripper.

The idea alone just grosses me out.

Oh, sure, all those hands on them.

They're like human doorknobs.

No, I...

I mean, the idea of cheating on Whitney.

But then we found this.

Ooh, a matchbook.

Ironically, you should always burn any incriminating evidence.

Okay, let's piece this together.

What do you remember from last night?

Well, I had an idea for a taxi urinal,

but then what happened?

Who cares?

We're gonna be rich!

God, I... Come on.

I need to think clearly. Hold on.

Okay, I'm gonna call this girl for you

and get you some answers.

Ugh, I'm never going to a strip club again.

Oh, uh, sorry, wrong number.

That was a jewelry store.

Stripper gave you a fake number, dude.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. No.

I remember what happened. Oh, gosh.

I've got to go. Whitney's gonna kill me.

You slept with a godless slut?

No.

No, no, no.

I proposed to one.

Roxanne, I'm just saying it's sad.

There's people out there way lamer than you

hooking up all the time.

Okay, I am not taking dating advice

from someone who refers to women as "swag."

You don't know how to talk to guys.

I mean, on paper, you're a great catch.

You're fun, you're hot,

but not uncomfortably so.

And you're successful at, you know, woman's work.

I had one bad night, okay?

Lil, you see me out all the time.

I-I'm great with guys, right?

Uh, well...

I am so sorry, Neal, I interrupted you.

- You were saying... - What?

All right, I'm definitely not taking dating advice

from you two.

Uh, what is that supposed to mean?

I'm just saying you two are still a little codependent.

You're attached at the hip

ever since breaking off your engagement.

And now Neal's starting to date guys?

It's weird.

No, that is ridiculous.

I-I could watch Neal have sex with a man right now,

and it would not be weird at all.

We're like any other couple that just broke up.

Oh, and, Neal, before we go,

I need you to walk on my back.

Look, I know it's scary being back out there,

but you've got to let your guard down.

Like, pretend we're at a bar, and I'm hitting on you.

- We're not doing that. - Roxanne...

You got to show guys the sexy, vulnerable woman

underneath all that emotional barbed wire

and mom jeans.

Okay, um...

Well, sometimes I think I'm afraid to open up to anyone,

because I know the second I do, I feel...

Naked.

And exposed.

Go on.

But...

You know what?

We're both looking for something real.

Aren't we?

So let's not pretend that this isn't making our hearts beat...

Just a little bit faster.

And let's go do

everything we've thought about doing to each other

since the moment we first met.

What do you say?

I... um...

Oh, my God, you're right!

That would totally work.

Yeah!

It would've worked on me if I was a guy.

You are a guy.

What?

No, I think he'll get reelected, so...

- Okay, ready? - Sure, let's go! Vamonos!

Why am I yelling, huh?

Doorknob!

Excuse me.

Uh, I'm looking for whatever girl was in the champagne room

with my boyfriend last night?

- Hi, excuse me. - Hi.

- Um, I'm looking for Britnee. - It's a strip club...

You're gonna have to be a little more specific.

Okay, um, Britnee with two "e"s.

- Oh, Brit-nee. - Yeah.

Britnee! You're not a cop, right?

Oh, no, no, no.

Uh, she's my sister.

What's up?

I meant, like, um, like, sista.

So, you know.

So you're double "e" Britnee?

Oh, no, they're just "c"s.

Uh, Britnee with double "e"s broke her nose

on a Chicago bear.

Okay, um,

I just need to ask you about something.

Is this about the guy who got stabbed out back?

Uh, no.

Uh, my boyfriend was here last night.

Oh, hold up, princess. Stop right there.

I'm not about to get caught up in your drama.

The last time that happened, some guy got stabbed out back.

Okay, um,

I just need to know

if he did anything inappropriate with you.

Well, if he was here, he did something inappropriate with me.

I put the "pain" in the champagne room.

Okay.

It's a weird thing to be proud of.

Um...

You know, it... it's not like that.

I mean, his friends totally made him go in there.

Alex is not that kind of guy.

They're all that kind of guy.

I mean, if they weren't, we'd all be nurses and teachers

instead of just dressing like them onstage.

Look, I have better things to do with my time

than to waste it talking to some fat Kate Middleton.

Okay, well, first of all, good one.

Second of all, Alex loves me

and would never do anything to hurt me.

- Do you really believe that? - Yes, I do.

Then why are you here?

I don't know.

Because I am an idiot.

It's like...

For the first time in my life, I have a good guy

and I, like, refuse to believe it.

Wow. That's really sweet.

Now I hope I didn't make it bounce

on your boyfriend last night.

Oh, yeah... Teen wolf.

I remember him.

You know, Roxanne is wrong.

I am totally comfortable with our situation.

It is not weird at all.

Which is why I have no problem telling you

that that guy has done the walk-by, like, ten times.

You should probably go talk to him.

All right, wish me luck.

Go get some sex.

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh, wow, it looks like you, uh, really helped out Roxanne.

She's doing well.

Whoa.

- What's the matter? - I don't know.

It's something about her talking to that guy.

It's making me grumpy.

What, are you jealous?

No!

It's more like mad that someone else is getting her attention

and wishing that I was him. But...

- All right, that was weird. - Why?

Guy doing the walk-by? Not into me.

He's into you.

Well, as long as it's weird...

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - It's fine.

No, it's not fine.

I am so sick of this.

It's like... you know who came down here today?

Old Whitney.

Yeah, I remember her.

Yeah, she used to go through my phone.

And, uh, she followed me once to the gym.

You knew about that?

Yeah, you were wearing a fake mustache.

Look at you.

I have the best guy in the whole world,

and I am down here at a strip club like a psycho.

It's... It's pathetic.

Yeah, well, no, it's not as pathetic

as forgetting that you proposed to your girlfriend

when you were drunk.

You remember that?

Well, uh, bits and pieces.

Look, the next time I propose to you,

I promise I'll do it right.

Okay, well,

let's see what you got.

Well, I mean, what?

You heard me.

Bring it.

I mean, we're at...

Here? We're at a strip club.

Oh, because you set the bar so high?

Okay, okay.

Uh, oh... Oh, gosh. Okay.

Uh, uh, all right.

Let me get the right...

Got to have the right song, uh, put on...

And just... playlist.

? Come on I need a bad bitch ?

Here we go.

Perfect song.

Uh, um...

Dude...

- Start again. - All right.

Whitney, um,

ugh, God, it's ironic

that I'm so bad at this, uh, proposing stuff,

because it's all I've been thinking about

since the day that I met you.

For the past...

For the past few years,

you tried really hard to scare me away,

but, uh, thankfully, you just... you really...

You're really bad at that.

I know that you always say that you're the one

that doesn't believe in marriage,

um, but, you know, the truth is, is that...

I didn't believe in marriage either

until the day that I met you.

So...

I'm gonna ask you a question now,

and if... If you say no,

I'm just gonna keep asking it until you say yes.

So...

Will you marry me?

Yes.

- Yes! - Thank God.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

- Still? - Yes.

- Okay? So okay. - Yes, okay.

- How about now? - Oh, my God! Yes!

- Okay, it's still on. - Oh, my God!

How much longer do I have to sit out here?

You said yes, so until death.

I can arrange that.

Ladies, please witness the fabulous nature of...

Teen wolf...

Oh, ladies? There's no one else here.

But, I'm seeing double.

Okay, so, huh? Who's the lucky bachelorette?

Is that you? You're the lucky bachelorette?

I thought I was until now.

Well, check it out... we're in the champagne room, baby,

and I-I am a sexy helicopter of love.

And I'm coming in for a landing, so g...

So get your landing pad ready.

Well, I've got a landing strip.

Come here.

- Who wants it? - Who wants it?

- You. The answer is you. - There's no one else in here.

Come here.

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