Original subtitles

Yeah, okay.

So does Alex keep

his tax returns in a folder or a box?

I don't know. I never come down here.

I have a mild case of claustrophobia,

so the last time I was in a space this dark and small,

I ate my twin.

Okay. This isn't so bad.

Whit, look, I know that you've been talking

to Lily, and...

Look, Neal, I don't want

you and Lily's break-up to affect our relationship.

I want to make sure that we always stay acquaintances.

No, Lily is still on my cell phone plan.

You guys talk and text way too much.

What, are you guys planning a heist?

Why don't you just tell her to get her own plan?

'Cause I haven't really talked to her since we broke up,

and I can't call her for the first time about this.

I'll seem like a jerk.

You just need, like, a casual run-in.

You know, just go some place where she always goes.

It makes it less weird, 'cause there's nothing

more awkward than seeing your ex

for the first time after a break-up.

That's why I never watch Lockup.

Hey, is this stuff yours?

No. I don't wear scrunchies

or short shorts.

Or tube tops.

You know what this means?

Somewhere, Heather Graham is naked.

Oh, snap.

This must be stuff from one of Alex's old girlfriends.

This is an Xbox.

Whoa.

This is them in Paris.

They went to Paris together?

And Italy?

And to see the pyramids?

Whitney, those are all in Vegas.

They went to Vegas?

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.

- Hey, roomie. - Hey, roomie.

Did you just cut your hair

in the bathroom?

Oh, yeah.

What do you think?

I think it looks great there on your head.

A little less great on my toothbrush.

Oh. Oh, my God.

That was totally my bad.

It will not happen again.

Oh, good, good. Good, Lil.

Thank you.

How great is it that we can just say

these things to each other, and it's not weird,

- you know? - Yeah.

Like, I could just say, "we don't keep

our vitamins all over the end table."

Just...

Or, "hey, here's where I keep the coasters."

Hello.

But your coasters are so cute.

I didn't want to leave a ring on 'em.

Okay.

Okay, now I got to find a new home for all of you.

Lil?

You all right?

Uh, yeah, I just broke my... laptop.

Crap.

Now I got to break my laptop.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey?

Hey.

Heyyy...

It's really no biggie.

That's just from an old girlfriend Chloe.

Who is Chloe?

Haven't I mentioned Chloe? I must have mentioned her.

No, and I have a very special gift

for remembering ex-girlfriends... Fiona, Jillian, and Kiki,

the backup dancer who still to this day

is the only reason I go to the gym.

Come on, you can't expect me to remember

every girl I ever dated.

Okay, David spade.

And you didn't just date her.

I mean, you took her to Vegas.

You don't have a box full of my stuff.

Yeah, I do. I live in it.

Look, all right, come on,

so, what, I dated Chloe.

I also kissed a girl in the sixth grade.

Her name was Mary. Should I have told you

- about that too? - You did tell me about that.

Okay, we had a conversation about all our serious exes.

Why did you lie about her?

No. It wasn't a lie.

Okay, I didn't mention it,

so, technically, that is an omission.

Yeah. Talk down to me.

That always works out well for you.

And people only omit things that they know

are gonna get them in trouble.

I never omit anything.

Okay, in all fairness,

how could you possibly ever omit anything?

You never stop talking.

Okay.

One fight at a time.

I'm sorry. I'll just...

I'll get rid of the box, all right?

No, no, I'm gonna keep this box here

until I figure out why you're acting so weird.

- No, I'm not acting weird. - So very weird.

You're weird.

You're acting so weird, I half expect

there to be another box in the basement

filled with pieces of Chloe.

Nope.

I never wanted to dismember any of my girlfriends.

Until very, very recently.

Can you believe Alex's trying to pass these off

as an omission, and not a lie?

An omission is a lie.

Exactly.

Man, I wish we could date.

I'm almost there.

I mean, I need to figure out why he didn't tell me

about this Chloe girl, and I think the answer

might be in this box.

Ooh!

What are you doing?

Shopping.

These are cute.

Oh, oh, I like that bracelet.

Roxanne, do you need to borrow some money?

Are you gambling again?

Look, after all the things I've lost in break-ups,

karma-wise, this is all fair game.

Okay, I've dated so many losers that,

if relationship karma was a real thing,

I would be dating the actual Jesus

and not just some lookalike.

So, after I broke the lamp, I tried to shove it

in the cabinet and broke the door,

and then I took a screw from the chair

to fix the cabinet, and that turned out

to be, like, a really important screw.

Is it, mark?

Mark?

- Mark? - Oh, I'm sorry.

I wasn't listening to any of that.

I can't multitask. It's my one flaw.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Roxanne's in my head about keeping everything neat,

and she's doing me such a huge favor,

I just don't want to ruin it.

You really think you can fix all this?

Ha. Lily, I'm a guy.

I will never admit that I can't fix something.

- Hey, mark. - What up, bro?

Are you drinking while you're working out?

I'm stronger when I'm drunk.

Okay.

Um, I just wanted to ask you something

about one of Alex's ex-girlfriends.

Then you turn right around.

Because Alex is my best friend.

His secrets are safe with me,

and I'm not gonna sell him out for some girl.

Okay, well,

I mean, how do you even know that you know

all of his secrets?

I mean, I probably know more about him than you do.

I don't think so.

Well, do you know about Chloe?

Uh, yeah.

Well, did you know that they went to Vegas together?

Uh, yeah.

And did you know that they were engaged?

They were engaged?

Uh-oh.

Oh, God, no, no, no.

It turns out I'm weaker when I'm drunk.

Okay.

When were they engaged?

I mean, how long were they engaged for?

No, no, I'm not gonna tell you.

And, please, don't tell Alex that I told you.

He's my BFF.

Please don't take away that second "f".

Hey...

Okay, no, I'm not gonna tell Alex.

I am gonna give him the opportunity

to tell me himself.

Okay, I... I am gonna handle this

like a lady.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't handle this like a lady!

- Hey. - Hey.

So I'm working on this poem.

You know, like ladies do.

And I'm a little stuck.

I was wondering... Can you think of any words

that rhyme with Beyonce?

Ti-ance? Li-ance?

I know about your fiancee.

Oh, no.

Oh, God. Mark told you?

Oh, okay, okay, look, I'm... I'm so sorry.

I was literally... I was just gonna tell you

about it, but then you asked me

for help with that poem.

Okay. You lied to me.

All right, you referred to her as your ex-girlfriend

when she was actually your ex-Beyonce.

All right, but Chloe and I had a terrible relationship.

All right? All we did was fight.

Okay, then why aren't you better at fighting?

Okay, I mean, you were engaged to this girl.

Getting engaged is, like, the biggest decision

you make as a man, and you never told me?

All right, okay, it wasn't a real engagement.

All right? She was just always so needy

and clingy, and then her grandfather died,

and I wanted to make her feel better,

but I panicked, so I...

Proposed to her at the funeral.

Okay, well, I don't think Zales will be using that story

any time soon.

Then I tried to break up with her, like, a million times,

but she was always so fragile,

and I... I wanted to get out of it,

but I didn't know what to do,

so I panicked again,

and I sent her a text.

- That is the worst. - No, no.

No, that's not the worst.

My text got autocorrected,

so the last words she ever got from me were,

"sorry, I can't do this anal more."

Okay, so there was no follow-up text?

No. I know.

And I feel terrible about it.

Look, it's literally the worst thing I've ever done.

And I never wanted to tell you about that,

because I didn't want you to think

that I was that bad of a guy.

I think all guys are bad.

And, my God, no wonder this poor girl never came

to get her stuff back.

She was crushed.

You have got to return this box to her.

Or. Or.

Or...

I don't do that.

And, instead, we both go get Sushi.

Look, she probably doesn't even want that stuff anymore.

It's just a box of junk.

Okay.

And her grandfather's watch.

My God. And look.

It's engraved with some kind of ancient language.

It's cursive.

Okay, well, until you return this box to her,

some part of you is still that guy

who treated her so badly.

Yeah.

I do have to give this back to her, huh?

Yeah. You need closure on this

for yourself too.

If you handle this now,

you won't have to feel guilty anal more.

- Hey. - Hello

roomie.

How was your day?

Well, I accidentally hit "reply all"

to an email, so now I have six less friends.

So pretty good.

Hey, mark.

Look at you. You put all your vitamins away.

Yeah. And I alphabetized them.

I thought you'd like that.

I do like that.

Hey. Why don't you sit down,

and I'll get you a glass of wine to put on a coaster.

Thanks, Lil.

Wow, you know, I had my doubts about us living together,

but I shouldn't have.

You heard me.

And that feels so just...

Okay. There goes my hymen again.

Well, it was more fun this time.

Okay, if you want to talk to Lily,

just call her.

God, now I really can't.

She's over her minutes.

It'll cost me money.

Okay, you just need an excuse to go over to Roxanne's.

You know what, go buy a bottle of lotion,

tell her she left it at your place.

What if it's not the kind she uses?

Okay, every girl has at least 30 bottles of lotion.

I have six in my purse right now just for my neck.

Okay.

Hey, where's Alex?

I sent him to go patch things up with his ex-girlfriend.

Pretty sure Drew Barrymore and Matthew McConaughey

are shooting this movie as we speak.

Taylor swift is doing the music.

And no one wants to go see it.

Thank you so much for meeting me.

How have you been? You still working at the bank?

No, I haven't worked there in years.

After the text,

as me and my therapy group call it,

I sort of stopped showing up,

so... they fired me.

But that's okay.

The universe has a plan.

God, I f... I feel terrible.

- I'm so sorry, Chloe. - No, it's okay.

I mean, it was a pretty long commute

from my condo anyway.

Oh, yeah, so you're still living at the same place?

No. No, after I drove my car

into that park, the judge said that I couldn't live alone.

So I moved in with my dad and his new wife,

and she has a 16-year-old daughter,

and I share a room with her.

She... she draws penises on my face when I'm sleeping.

It's making me stronger.

Oh, well, um, hopefully,

this helps too.

This is yours.

Sorry it took so long

to get back to you.

So you just came here to return a box?

Okay.

Well, no, not just that.

I-I... actually, I wanted to apologize,

because I was young and stupid.

You were in a really vulnerable place,

and so I'm sorry I acted like a jerk,

and I-I really should have handled it better.

Wow. Thank you for saying that.

You've really matured, Alexander.

You know, I was kind of on the fence

about us getting back together, but what the hell?

Let's do it.

Let's call my therapy group

and be like, "suck it, fatties."

No, no. No, look, that's not...

We're having closure.

Oh, well, I don't want closure.

I mean, I want to get out of that bunk bed.

Chloe, I have a girlfriend.

Girlfriend.

Wow, that was quick.

- Oh. - Four years.

Yeah, and I've been faithful.

I mean, unless you count the disturbingly accurate penises

that were drawn on my face.

Wow.

The chair, the lamp, and the cabinet door?

I mean, is there anything else I should know about?

I don't know. I just...

Lily is fresh off a break-up.

She's afraid that you're gonna dump her too.

Okay, mark, clearly you don't understand

how female friendships work.

Well, I own every season Gilmore Gals on DVD.

You're afraid you make one little mistake,

and Roxanne's gonna stop being your friend.

Watch this.

Lily, throw this on the ground.

What? No, she'll hate me.

See. Throw it on the ground.

Mark, please don't tell her to break my things.

Come on. Throw it.

Throw it.

Throw it, throw it, throw it.

Ooh!

You guys still friends?

With her? Yes.

But not with you.

- God, that feels good. - Yeah.

You need to loosen up too.

You can't control everything.

Break this plate. Oh.

- Okay. - Okay, I'm done. I'm done.

Mark, it is not gonna happen.

Just because there are no rings on your coffee table

does not mean everything in your life is in order.

Bad things are gonna happen to you,

- and some day you're gonna die. - Just...

Whoa!

I'm not gonna lie, you guys,

this is really working for me.

Who wants to take their shirts off?

You're an idiot.

And, you know what, so are you.

I wouldn't stop being friends with you

just because you don't understand

the rudimentary elements of living with another human being.

Okay, I do have some work to do.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Neal.

Oh, looks like living together's going well.

Hey.

It's so good to see you.

What's up?

Oh, I wanted to give you this lotion

you left in our bathroom.

Oh, my God.

I have literally been missing this every day.

And I didn't want to ask, because I thought

it would be weird.

It's not weird,

and, hey, look, we got through the first time.

Good, so now we can see each other

and call and text whenever.

Great. You know what's good for me

is free nights and weekends.

So...

So what are you guys doing?

I am fixing things between Roxanne and Lily,

and, if you hadn't walked in when you did,

it could have gotten amazing between the three of us.

I would like to point out that a new bottle of lotion

has been thrown into the mix.

Hey.

How'd it go with Chloe?

Well, she thought we were getting back together,

so I had to break up with her all over again.

Then we just had some really hot breakup sex.

Hasn't that poor girl been through enough?

Hey, look, thanks for not freaking out

about this like I know you're totally capable of doing.

Come on, this is not the first secret fiancee

I've discovered. My dad had three.

Well, anyway, you're right.

- I'm sorry. - That's okay.

I mean, you were 26.

If we're gonna judge each other based on the things

we were doing when we were 26...

Let's just not.

Okay, well, there is one more thing that I want to say about this.

Are you sure? 'Cause we've talked about this a lot.

No, I just... I don't know.

I guess it just kind of bothers me

that I will never be the first girl

that you propose to.

So...

I know that's stupid.

No, that's the sweetest thing

that you've ever said to me.

- Really? - Yeah.

You don't really say that many sweet things to me.

Well, if makes you feel any better,

I don't think them either.

Hi, I'm Chloe.

Hi. Oh! You know where we live.

That's so great.

Oh, come on in.

I just wanted to return this to Alex.

- Okay. - Um...

There's nothing in here.

Yeah, I know.

I just wanted to return the box that my stuff was in.

Closure.

And I just wanted to see if you were prettier than me.

So...

Yeah, I'm good.

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