Original subtitles

Ugh.

I didn't realize being Lily's maid of honor

meant getting up at 9:00 on a Saturday.

Or wearing a bra on a Saturday.

Ow. Man, you and Lily doing wedding planning all day?

Your eyes are going to roll so far back in your head

that you're going to be able to see the crazy.

Oh, no. I never make eye contact with the crazy.

That just makes it mad.

Whit, seriously. How are you going to pull this off

when you hate weddings?

Okay, I don't hate weddings.

I just hate those stupid traditions

Iike throwing the rice or the bouquet.

You hate a collection of beautiful flowers?

Okay. The whole thing with that

is ifyou catch the bouquet, you get married.

No. You might as well catch it with your vagina,

because nothing else is going in it after that.

Hey, are you sure it was you

that Lily asked to help plan this wedding?

Like, she wasn't on a Bluetooth or something?

Lily is cool, okay?

She's not going to want all that stuff.

We're just going to plan, like, a fun party

without all that traditional nonsense.

And don't you wish there was a website or an app to help you plan it?

And if there was, would you pay the very reasonable

price of $3.99 for that service?

Is this about that stupid list that came out?

You didn't think that list was stupid last year

when they named me one of Chicago's 50 top techies.

Yes, I did.

(SlGHS) Look, I'm just trying to get back into the game, okay?

So, I asked Neal to round up some investors,

so I can pitch them an idea that...

I don't really have yet.

So, this is why you were listening

to Lose Yourself in the shower this morning.

He just came from so little.

You're going to come up with something great.

You have tons of ideas.

Oh, no, I know. Tons. Yeah.

Hey. Uh, how mad would you be if I got into porn?

Or, uh, what about if I just got you into porn?

WHlTNEY: Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.

WHlTNEY: So...

Okay. Roxanne, slow down.

You're drinking that water like it's vodka.

I've got to be hydrated.

I'm giving blood at Mark's precinct's blood drive.

Work is making us all do community service.

So it was either that or visit deaf veterans.

And you know what?

I just cannot be around any more men who don't listen to me.

Hey. Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

I had to swing by my apartment to grab my wedding inspiration book.

Oh. Yeah.

I've been putting together photos and clippings

since I was nine.

Wow, Lil.

You were pretty sure for a while there

that you were going to marry Brian Austin Green.

Well, that is a whole page of hot priests.

Guess had a weird ad campaign in the '90s.

Yeah.

You know, I kind of like the idea of a church wedding.

Oh.

So you want, like, a...

Like, a "wedding" wedding.

Like, a...

I just... I thought you were going to want something

more, like, out of the box.

Oh. Well, for me this is kind of out of the box.

Mmm. When you grow up with hippie parents

in a house with no doors,

sometimes you just want to be normal.

I mean, my parents got married in the forest.

Oh. Well, that doesn't sound terrible.

They wanted the ring bearer to be an actual bear.

My mom was tripping pretty hard, though.

All right, you better believe it.

Daddy's got some good ideas, all right?

So, I hope you're... I hope you're ready for this.

Okay? You better be ready.

Ooh, I cannot wait.

And now that we are partners,

I'm here to give you honest feedback.

All right, cool. So, check this out.

It's a sobriety test app. All right?

You're drunk, you're out, you're having a good time.

You want to send a sexy text message.

But you can't answer a few simple math questions...

Boom. Your phone shuts down.

(lMlTATES GUNSHOTS)

That's been done. Google Mail Goggles.

Ah. Google Goggles.

And it's fun to say.

All right. So, what about this?

Everybody hates talking on the phone, right?

Not sure if that's a thing, but go on.

All right. So, what if there's an app where,

when you're calling, instead of ringing,

it connects you straight to their voice mail.

(CLlCKS TONGUE) (lMlTATES GUNSHOTS)

I like it, I like it, I like it.

Right. This way, you get credit for a phone call,

but you don't have any of the awkward chit-chat going on.

Uh-oh. What? What?

It exists.

It's called slydial.

Ugh. Slydial.

That's even more fun to say than "Google Goggles."

(SlGHS) All right. Check this out.

Cereal. What's the problem with cereal? It's so ugly.

Just hear me out.

What ifyou were eating cereal that looked like your face?

Okay. You take a picture of your face,

you send it in to us.

One month later... Bam.

You're eating your face, bro.

Should I push this meeting?

What? No.

All right. Here's what we've got to do. Okay?

We've got to go to Harvard,

we've got to kidnap some dorks...

And we'll just steal their idea.

That's been done.

Okay.

Just need to ask you a few questions.

Any health issues?

Uh, physically, no. Mentally, I'm broken.

Are you sexually active?

Uh, she can be.

You know what? Can we just do this somewhere else?

We just need to get a brief history.

And then, we'll take your blood,

we'll test it for sexually transmitted diseases...

What? Why?

It's standard procedure.

We have to make sure that your blood is clean.

You'd be surprised at how many people

don't even know they've contracted something.

Number of partners?

Uh... Uh... Uh...

Let me write that down.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Way ahead of you.

Fifty-eight satisfied customers.

What do I win?

I know the cake in my book was really simple.

But now that I'm seeing all these big ones,

maybe that's better.

Like, a really big one.

Even though it's not about size.

It's how you eat it.

Word.

Mmm. That one tastes like diabetes.

I just want to find a cake that

makes me happy every time I open my freezer for the next year.

(CHUCKLES) What?

Oh, yeah.

You freeze the top tier of your cake

and eat it on your one year anniversary.

What?

What about this one? Hmm.

Vanilla with vanilla icing.

Mmm.

Here's a surprise. This one is also delicious.

It's almost like all of these cakes

are made out of sugar and butter.

Well, it's not just about the taste.

It's... It's the look of the cake, too.

Mmm. Do you like this one?

Oh. What is with the creepy dolls on top of the cake?

Doesn't it look like they're about to jump to their deaths?

Oh! I slept with your brother!

Boom.

Die.

Okay. I... I'm not sure I can do this.

Oh, good. Lily, look.

It is just a piece of paper.

And you guys already live together, anyway.

What? No. Whit. What?

Look, I know weddings aren't, like, your thing.

And I'm worried this is going to become a problem between us.

Planning a wedding is stressful enough.

Okay, that's my point.

This should not have to be stressful. Okay?

Weddings shouldn't be about all these stupid traditions

that don't mean anything.

Yes, but they mean something to me.

You see?

And my wedding's in May,

and I need to be making decisions.

And clearly, your issues are getting in the way.

So, I just feel like I should

plan the wedding myself.

Okay. Lil, I did not mean to make fun ofyou.

Whit. When we visited the church,

you told the head of the choir they should sing

It's the End of the World as We Know It.

Well, they didn't know 99 Problems but a bitch ain't one.

So what's this place?

It's the new hipster spot.

I... I found it on Yelp after I pitched Yelp to Neal.

I need to, like, soak in the youth culture,

so I can come up with my next idea.

Oh, God. I can't tell if the pit in my stomach

is from my fight with Lily,

the 14 pieces of cake I just ate, or that hat.

I'm pretty sure it's Lily, because this hat is on point.

I didn't mean to criticize her wedding.

I was just pointing out some things

about the wedding industrial complex.

Look, Whit, you're her maid of honor

and you're her best friend. All right?

You need to put your feelings aside and be there for her.

Oh, God, you're right.

I feel terrible.

I should apologize. And so should you.

For what?

That hat.

The only difference between you and Waldo

is that nobody wants to find you.

All right, look.

I'm going to go talk to that guy over there

and figure out what he's into.

Okay. Fine.

No, let me have the hat. No. Nope.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, bro. What's up?

(SNAPPlNG FlNGERS)

I don't... I don't know. I'm not that...

Anyway, do you mind if I maybe ask you a few questions?

Uh, I'm... I'm doing some market research.

And, uh... Okay, yeah.

I'm the guy who created mendeavors.com.

Are we really doing this? What?

Are we telling each other all the websites we've created?

(CHUCKLES)

Plan B.

Why haven't they called?

How hard is it to test someone's blood?

I mean, I'm really asking.

How do they do it? Is there a machine?

I knew I shouldn't have slept with that guy from Thailand

to celebrate my divorce.

My sister always said,

"Never sleep with a man whose name you can't pronounce."

Of course, she's kind of a whore. (CHUCKLES)

And kind of a racist.

One time, I was on a plane,

and I thought it was going down...

I mean, I thought this was it.

So, I had sex with a 64-year-old woman.

You know how many partners she must have had?

Especially if she's doing it on a plane at 64?

All right. You know what?

Maybe... Maybe this will jog my memory.

Nope. I don't know who any of these people are.

You know, I think I saw your number of partners.

Did it have a four in it?

You know what? Let's just say it was less than yours.

Yeah.

I hope you didn't sleep with 67 people. That would be pretty gross.

You said 58.

What?

Yesterday, at the blood bank,

you said you had been with 58 women.

I remember it vividly because then, you did this...

(CLlCKS TONGUE) ...to me.

Oh, yeah.

I had a nine-way last night,

with a women's softball team.

It was a high-scoring affair.

It ended in a rain delay in their pants.

You lied about your number.

All right. I did lie.

Why would you lie about the number of people you've slept with?

(CHUCKLES) Did you think I would be impressed?

I wasn't trying to impress you.

I was trying to impress that guy with the clipboard.

You don't know how judgmental dudes are about their number.

It's a lot of pressure.

So, what's your real number?

All right, I'll give you a hint.

It rhymes with seven. Ah. I said it.

Wow.

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

Can I take my blindfold off, yet?

Ooh, I can't wait to see where you've taken me. Are you naked?

Is it that saloon-motel where we played cowboys and...

Okay. Hi.

Surprise.

Neal.

What? Who's Neal?

Look, l... I asked him to kidnap you so I could apologize.

Look, I am so sorry about yesterday.

I should keep my opinions about weddings to myself,

because all that matters is what you want.

Well, that sounds great, but, I mean...

Come on.

Look. I'm just a girl,

standing in front of another girl

asking her to forgive me.

You watched Notting Hill for me?

Mmm-hmm.

And I just want to be the wedding planner for my best friend's wedding.

Which is why I also watched The Wedding Planner

and My Best Friend's Wedding.

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Hey. I've got that pitch meeting for my new website.

How do I look?

Great. I love it.

Really?

No. You look like the Legend of Douchebagger Vance.

But... But was that good?

I'm practicing being positive

because I'm going wedding dress shopping with Lily.

Yeah, I think you're going to get fired again.

Come on. This is hip.

This is what all the kids are wearing nowadays.

Here. It looks better with the scarf. Check it out

(CLEARS THROAT) Sup?

Wait. Are those my tights?

Are those my tights?

Whit, come on.

This is a big pitch meeting. It's really important to me. Argh.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You're going to do so good.

I love you. You're going to kill it.

I love you, too. Okay.

Can you just get a bigger scarf just to cover the chest hair?

Get out of here. Okay, sorry.

I don't know if you know it,

but this is the oldest bridal salon in Chicago.

And based on your inspiration book,

I have selected a number of dresses

that are perfect for the traditional wedding

that you and your friend, Wendy, are planning.

Oh. Thank you, Edith.

Okay, girls.

Let's get started with the bridesmaid

and we'll save the best for last.

Ah. Okay.

That is you. You are the best.

Edith, get these dresses on my body.

Can a sister get some Spanx?

(EXHALES) Okay. Just...

Be positive. This is for Lily.

Just... Eye of the tiger.

Your skin is not burning.

Ha-ha. Ta-da!

Yeah. Good, right?

It's got flowers, just like in your book. Yeah.

Envision it. Okay?

I'm walking down the aisle.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. It's good and loud.

So they can hear you coming.

And there's pretty flowers over the bosom there.

No? You don't love it?

Okay. We're going back up the aisle.

Back up the aisle.

Hi, Edith. Okay.

Yes, we can. Right?

It's got a hat. What?

And fan. Yeah.

No? No? Yes?

That is quite a dress.

Yeah?

Can you sit in it?

(SCOFFS) Sit in it?

Can l? Edith.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh.

What's wrong? Where have you been?

Are you wearing my pants?

Well, I was trying to look hip.

Go find some new clothes. I'll go stall the investors.

Look, bra, I don't think you can stall for that long.

I got nothing.

I'm sorry. What?

Then, why did l set up this meeting?

You told me that you work better under pressure.

I was wrong. I crumble.

We are partners now. You can't crumble.

No, I know. Look, Neal, I'm... I'm sorry. Okay?

I really am.

I'm just a guy standing in front of another guy

asking him to cancel this meeting.

Did you watch Notting Hill?

Whitney was watching it in the bedroom. I don't know. I just...

Look. I think I just came up with one good idea three years ago.

In the tech world, I'm, like, 100 now.

I'm washed up.

Come on, dude. You can do this.

You're, like, the coolest guy I know.

Really?

I mean, not today.

But normally, yes.

Look. I'm your partner

because I believe in your creativity

and your ability to think of a great idea

by the time we get to the seventh floor.

No. Man, I can't do this.

Be honest.

Am I too old to pull this off?

I believe in your creativity

and your ability...

No. Am I too old to pull this off?

Yeah. Uh, I heard you the first time.

I was just trying to be supportive.

No, no, no. Neal.

"Am I too old to pull this off" dot com.

It's... It's a service where you can send in your picture

and people can vote yes or no on it.

It saves people from looking like a tool like me.

Is that not the best idea you ever heard?

We'll give it a shot. It's better than canceling the meeting.

Yeah. I'm back.

You know what? At this point,

I'm not even going to answer if they do call.

I've seen those commercials with people living with STDs.

They laugh. They go biking and canoeing.

Actually, it sounds awesome.

I hope I have one.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Oh, my God. This is it.

Hello. Mark Murphy speaking.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello? Uh-huh.

Yes. Uh-huh.

All right.

Okay.

Okay. Thanks.

Thanks.

Whoo. I'm good. Clean bill of health.

My cleaning lady is not coming Friday.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello?

Yes.

Yes.

Great. Thanks. Bye.

I'm all good.

Ah. Congratulations.

(BOTH SlGH WlTH RELlEF)

Hey.

Don't tell the guys my real number, okay?

Why?

Sixty-seven is pretty impressive.

(SlGHS) It is, isn't it?

(GASPS) Let's make it 69. It's funnier.

Mmm.

I don't know. That sounds fake.

Mark, it is fake.

Anyway, why is your real number so low?

It's not that low.

Well, it is pretty low for the dude you pretend to be.

I mean, you talk a really big game, Mark.

I don't know if it's going to Catholic school,

or maybe I'm just weirdly romantic,

but I have always believed that... I don't know...

That act is, uh... Is special.

Wow, that's really sweet.

But I have gotten handies in the hundreds.

(SlGHS)

Would you like some champagne?

Ah. You know, it's pretty dark that you have to get people drunk

in order to get them to buy stuff in your store.

So how long have you been divorced?

LlLY: Okay. Prepare to be wowed.

(GASPS)

Wow.

This one's very popular with the Muslim community.

So? Do you really like it?

Do you? Do you?

Do you? I do.

I do. Me, too. Okay.

And, uh, what about...

With this tiara?

Oh. Beautiful. Look. (GASPS)

What about this muff?

Uh, I love me some muff.

So, you feel okay with me walking down the aisle looking like this?

Totally. You look so beautiful.

I knew it. What?

You are lying to my face.

What? No, I'm not. I can't even see your face.

Come on, Whit. You've been fake with me all day.

You were fake about the invitations and the flowers. And now, this.

Okay, Lily, I don't know what to do.

I just want to be there for you.

Well, then, I need you to be you. Okay?

Look, I think I was being oversensitive yesterday because...

Sometimes, I feel embarrassed that I like all that stuff as much as I do.

No. You know what? The truth is I need to learn to shut up sometimes.

Yeah. But if it weren't for you,

I'd have an aquarium table and a tattoo necklace that said "Carrie."

It would have been confusing.

You're just so much more of a "Samantha."

Look, I just need you to be straight with me. Okay?

Because I can feel myself getting sucked into all this wedding stuff.

And I'm going to need you to pull me back from the edge.

Okay. Well, in that case, take off that dress.

You look like an uncircumcised penis.

I've seen a lot of those things.

Yeah, I know... I know you have.

I'm so proud of you.

Ah, well, they just said they're interested. Nothing's for sure, yet.

It's such a good idea. They're going to buy it.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, do you want to hear something interesting about wedding rings?

Uh-oh. Here we go. Uh, they're the world's smallest prison?

No, no, no, no. It's a bribe.

No. It's little tiny handcuffs with no keys.

No. I was reading about it,

and the wedding ring symbolizes the eternal circle of love.

With no beginning and no end.

What happened to you?

What?

Well, I'm just waiting for your head to explode.

Okay, I'm evolving, biotch.

I ain't mad at weddings. I ain't "scurred."

Oh, God. Yeah, you know,

you're definitely too white to pull that off.

Oh, hey, that's my next website.

(CHUCKLES)

You look so beautiful.

Really?

I can't believe you're finally getting married.

I know.

Okay, I'm going to practice.

Okay. Okay.

(EXHALES)

To have and to hold.

To love and to cherish.

Till death do us part.

I do.

No!

(GASPlNG)

I knew your head was going to explode sooner or later.

(GASPlNG)

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