All language subtitles for Whitney s01e12 Faking It.eng

Ugh.

I didn't realize being
Lily's maid of honor

meant getting up at 9:00
on a Saturday.

Or wearing a bra
on a Saturday.

Ow.
Man, you and Lily doing wedding planning all day?

Your eyes are going to roll
so far back in your head

that you're going to
be able to see the crazy.

Oh, no. I never make
eye contact with the crazy.

That just makes it mad.

Whit, seriously.
How are you going to pull this off

when you hate weddings?

Okay, I don't
hate weddings.

I just hate those
stupid traditions

Iike throwing the rice
or the bouquet.

You hate a collection
of beautiful flowers?

Okay. The whole
thing with that

is ifyou catch
the bouquet, you get married.

No. You might as well
catch it with your vagina,

because nothing else
is going in it after that.

Hey, are you sure
it was you

that Lily asked to help
plan this wedding?

Like, she wasn't
on a Bluetooth or something?

Lily is cool, okay?

She's not going to
want all that stuff.

We're just going
to plan, like, a fun party

without all that
traditional nonsense.

And don't you wish there
was a website or an app to help you plan it?

And if there was,
would you pay the very reasonable

price of $3.99
for that service?

Is this about that
stupid list that came out?

You didn't think that list
was stupid last year

when they named me
one of Chicago's 50 top techies.

Yes, I did.

(SlGHS) Look, I'm just
trying to get back into the game, okay?

So, I asked Neal
to round up some investors,

so I can pitch them
an idea that...

I don't really have yet.

So, this is why
you were listening

to Lose Yourself
in the shower this morning.

He just came
from so little.

You're going to come up
with something great.

You have tons of ideas.

Oh, no, I know.
Tons. Yeah.

Hey. Uh, how mad
would you be if I got into porn?

Or, uh, what about if
I just got you into porn?

WHlTNEY: Whitney is taped
in front of a live studio audience.

WHlTNEY: So...

Okay. Roxanne,
slow down.

You're drinking that water
like it's vodka.

I've got to be hydrated.

I'm giving blood
at Mark's precinct's blood drive.

Work is making us
all do community service.

So it was either that
or visit deaf veterans.

And you know what?

I just cannot be around
any more men who don't listen to me.

Hey.
Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

I had to swing by
my apartment to grab my wedding inspiration book.

Oh.
Yeah.

I've been putting together
photos and clippings

since I was nine.

Wow, Lil.

You were pretty sure
for a while there

that you were
going to marry Brian Austin Green.

Well, that is a whole
page of hot priests.

Guess had a weird
ad campaign in the '90s.

Yeah.

You know, I kind of like
the idea of a church wedding.

Oh.

So you want, like, a...

Like, a "wedding" wedding.

Like, a...

I just... I thought you were
going to want something

more, like,
out of the box.

Oh. Well, for me
this is kind of out of the box.

Mmm.
When you grow up with hippie parents

in a house
with no doors,

sometimes you just
want to be normal.

I mean, my parents
got married in the forest.

Oh. Well, that doesn't
sound terrible.

They wanted the ring bearer
to be an actual bear.

My mom was tripping
pretty hard, though.

All right,
you better believe it.

Daddy's got some
good ideas, all right?

So, I hope you're...
I hope you're ready for this.

Okay?
You better be ready.

Ooh, I cannot wait.

And now that
we are partners,

I'm here to give you
honest feedback.

All right, cool.
So, check this out.

It's a sobriety test app.
All right?

You're drunk, you're out,
you're having a good time.

You want to send a sexy
text message.

But you can't answer
a few simple math questions...

Boom. Your phone
shuts down.

(lMlTATES GUNSHOTS)

That's been done.
Google Mail Goggles.

Ah. Google Goggles.

And it's fun to say.

All right.
So, what about this?

Everybody hates
talking on the phone, right?

Not sure if that's
a thing, but go on.

All right. So, what if
there's an app where,

when you're calling,
instead of ringing,

it connects you straight
to their voice mail.

(CLlCKS TONGUE)
(lMlTATES GUNSHOTS)

I like it, I like it,
I like it.

Right. This way,
you get credit for a phone call,

but you don't have
any of the awkward chit-chat going on.

Uh-oh.
What? What?

It exists.

It's called slydial.

Ugh. Slydial.

That's even more fun
to say than "Google Goggles."

(SlGHS) All right.
Check this out.

Cereal. What's the
problem with cereal? It's so ugly.

Just hear me out.

What ifyou were
eating cereal that looked like your face?

Okay. You take a picture
of your face,

you send it in to us.

One month later... Bam.

You're eating
your face, bro.

Should I push
this meeting?

What? No.

All right. Here's what
we've got to do. Okay?

We've got to
go to Harvard,

we've got to
kidnap some dorks...

And we'll just
steal their idea.

That's been done.

Okay.

Just need to ask you
a few questions.

Any health issues?

Uh, physically, no.
Mentally, I'm broken.

Are you
sexually active?

Uh, she can be.

You know what?
Can we just do this somewhere else?

We just need to
get a brief history.

And then,
we'll take your blood,

we'll test it for sexually
transmitted diseases...

What?
Why?

It's standard procedure.

We have to make sure
that your blood is clean.

You'd be surprised
at how many people

don't even know they've
contracted something.

Number of partners?

Uh... Uh... Uh...

Let me write that down.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Way ahead of you.

Fifty-eight
satisfied customers.

What do I win?

I know the cake
in my book was really simple.

But now that I'm seeing
all these big ones,

maybe that's better.

Like, a really big one.

Even though
it's not about size.

It's how you eat it.

Word.

Mmm. That one
tastes like diabetes.

I just want to
find a cake that

makes me happy every time
I open my freezer for the next year.

(CHUCKLES)
What?

Oh, yeah.

You freeze the top
tier of your cake

and eat it on your
one year anniversary.

What?

What about this one?
Hmm.

Vanilla
with vanilla icing.

Mmm.

Here's a surprise.
This one is also delicious.

It's almost like
all of these cakes

are made out of
sugar and butter.

Well, it's not just
about the taste.

It's... It's the look
of the cake, too.

Mmm.
Do you like this one?

Oh. What is with
the creepy dolls on top of the cake?

Doesn't it look like
they're about to jump to their deaths?

Oh! I slept
with your brother!

Boom.

Die.

Okay. I... I'm not
sure I can do this.

Oh, good. Lily, look.

It is just
a piece of paper.

And you guys already
live together, anyway.

What? No. Whit.
What?

Look, I know weddings
aren't, like, your thing.

And I'm worried this
is going to become a problem between us.

Planning a wedding
is stressful enough.

Okay, that's my point.

This should not
have to be stressful. Okay?

Weddings shouldn't
be about all these stupid traditions

that don't mean anything.

Yes, but they mean
something to me.

You see?

And my wedding's
in May,

and I need to be
making decisions.

And clearly,
your issues are getting in the way.

So, I just feel
like I should

plan the wedding myself.

Okay. Lil, I did not mean
to make fun ofyou.

Whit. When we
visited the church,

you told the
head of the choir they should sing

It's the End of the World
as We Know It.

Well, they didn't know
99 Problems but a bitch ain't one.

So what's this place?

It's the new
hipster spot.

I... I found it on Yelp
after I pitched Yelp to Neal.

I need to, like,
soak in the youth culture,

so I can come up
with my next idea.

Oh, God. I can't tell
if the pit in my stomach

is from my fight with Lily,

the 14 pieces of cake
I just ate, or that hat.

I'm pretty sure it's Lily,
because this hat is on point.

I didn't mean to
criticize her wedding.

I was just pointing
out some things

about the wedding
industrial complex.

Look, Whit, you're
her maid of honor

and you're her
best friend. All right?

You need to put
your feelings aside and be there for her.

Oh, God, you're right.

I feel terrible.

I should apologize.
And so should you.

For what?

That hat.

The only difference
between you and Waldo

is that nobody
wants to find you.

All right, look.

I'm going to go talk
to that guy over there

and figure out
what he's into.

Okay.
Fine.

No, let me
have the hat. No. Nope.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, bro.
What's up?

(SNAPPlNG FlNGERS)

I don't... I don't know.
I'm not that...

Anyway, do you mind
if I maybe ask you a few questions?

Uh, I'm... I'm doing
some market research.

And, uh... Okay, yeah.

I'm the guy who created
mendeavors.com.

Are we really
doing this? What?

Are we telling each other
all the websites we've created?

(CHUCKLES)

Plan B.

Why haven't they called?

How hard is it to
test someone's blood?

I mean,
I'm really asking.

How do they do it?
Is there a machine?

I knew I shouldn't
have slept with that guy from Thailand

to celebrate my divorce.

My sister always said,

"Never sleep with a man
whose name you can't pronounce."

Of course,
she's kind of a whore. (CHUCKLES)

And kind of a racist.

One time,
I was on a plane,

and I thought
it was going down...

I mean,
I thought this was it.

So, I had sex with
a 64-year-old woman.

You know how many partners
she must have had?

Especially if she's doing it
on a plane at 64?

All right.
You know what?

Maybe... Maybe this
will jog my memory.

Nope. I don't know who
any of these people are.

You know, I think I saw
your number of partners.

Did it have
a four in it?

You know what?
Let's just say it was less than yours.

Yeah.

I hope you didn't
sleep with 67 people. That would be pretty gross.

You said 58.

What?

Yesterday,
at the blood bank,

you said you had
been with 58 women.

I remember it vividly
because then, you did this...

(CLlCKS TONGUE)
...to me.

Oh, yeah.

I had a nine-way
last night,

with a women's
softball team.

It was a high-scoring affair.

It ended in a rain delay
in their pants.

You lied
about your number.

All right. I did lie.

Why would you lie about
the number of people you've slept with?

(CHUCKLES) Did you think
I would be impressed?

I wasn't trying
to impress you.

I was trying to impress
that guy with the clipboard.

You don't know how judgmental
dudes are about their number.

It's a lot of pressure.

So, what's your
real number?

All right,
I'll give you a hint.

It rhymes with seven.
Ah. I said it.

Wow.

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

Can I take my
blindfold off, yet?

Ooh, I can't wait to see
where you've taken me. Are you naked?

Is it that saloon-motel
where we played cowboys and...

Okay. Hi.

Surprise.

Neal.

What? Who's Neal?

Look, l... I asked
him to kidnap you so I could apologize.

Look, I am so sorry
about yesterday.

I should keep my opinions
about weddings to myself,

because all that matters
is what you want.

Well, that sounds great,
but, I mean...

Come on.

Look. I'm just a girl,

standing in front
of another girl

asking her to forgive me.

You watched
Notting Hill for me?

Mmm-hmm.

And I just want to be
the wedding planner for my best friend's wedding.

Which is why I also watched
The Wedding Planner

and My Best Friend's Wedding.

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Hey. I've got
that pitch meeting for my new website.

How do I look?

Great. I love it.

Really?

No. You look like
the Legend of Douchebagger Vance.

But... But was that good?

I'm practicing
being positive

because I'm going
wedding dress shopping with Lily.

Yeah, I think you're going
to get fired again.

Come on. This is hip.

This is what all the kids
are wearing nowadays.

Here. It looks better
with the scarf. Check it out

(CLEARS THROAT) Sup?

Wait. Are those my tights?

Are those my tights?

Whit, come on.

This is a big pitch
meeting. It's really important to me. Argh.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You're going
to do so good.

I love you.
You're going to kill it.

I love you, too.
Okay.

Can you just get
a bigger scarf just to cover the chest hair?

Get out of here.
Okay, sorry.

I don't know
if you know it,

but this is the oldest
bridal salon in Chicago.

And based on your
inspiration book,

I have selected
a number of dresses

that are perfect for
the traditional wedding

that you and your friend,
Wendy, are planning.

Oh. Thank you, Edith.

Okay, girls.

Let's get started
with the bridesmaid

and we'll save
the best for last.

Ah. Okay.

That is you.
You are the best.

Edith, get these
dresses on my body.

Can a sister
get some Spanx?

(EXHALES) Okay. Just...

Be positive.
This is for Lily.

Just... Eye of the tiger.

Your skin is not burning.

Ha-ha. Ta-da!

Yeah. Good, right?

It's got flowers,
just like in your book. Yeah.

Envision it. Okay?

I'm walking
down the aisle.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
It's good and loud.

So they can
hear you coming.

And there's pretty flowers
over the bosom there.

No?
You don't love it?

Okay. We're going
back up the aisle.

Back up the aisle.

Hi, Edith. Okay.

Yes, we can. Right?

It's got a hat. What?

And fan. Yeah.

No? No? Yes?

That is quite a dress.

Yeah?

Can you sit in it?

(SCOFFS) Sit in it?

Can l? Edith.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh.

What's wrong?
Where have you been?

Are you wearing
my pants?

Well, I was trying
to look hip.

Go find some new clothes.
I'll go stall the investors.

Look, bra, I don't think
you can stall for that long.

I got nothing.

I'm sorry. What?

Then, why did l
set up this meeting?

You told me that you
work better under pressure.

I was wrong.
I crumble.

We are partners now.
You can't crumble.

No, I know. Look, Neal,
I'm... I'm sorry. Okay?

I really am.

I'm just a guy standing
in front of another guy

asking him to cancel
this meeting.

Did you watch
Notting Hill?

Whitney was watching it
in the bedroom. I don't know. I just...

Look. I think I just
came up with one good idea three years ago.

In the tech world,
I'm, like, 100 now.

I'm washed up.

Come on, dude.
You can do this.

You're, like,
the coolest guy I know.

Really?

I mean, not today.

But normally, yes.

Look. I'm your partner

because I believe
in your creativity

and your ability
to think of a great idea

by the time we get
to the seventh floor.

No. Man,
I can't do this.

Be honest.

Am I too old
to pull this off?

I believe
in your creativity

and your ability...

No. Am I too old
to pull this off?

Yeah. Uh, I heard you
the first time.

I was just trying
to be supportive.

No, no, no. Neal.

"Am I too old
to pull this off" dot com.

It's... It's a service
where you can send in your picture

and people can vote
yes or no on it.

It saves people
from looking like a tool like me.

Is that not the best idea
you ever heard?

We'll give it a shot.
It's better than canceling the meeting.

Yeah. I'm back.

You know what?
At this point,

I'm not even going to
answer if they do call.

I've seen those commercials
with people living with STDs.

They laugh.
They go biking and canoeing.

Actually,
it sounds awesome.

I hope I have one.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Oh, my God.
This is it.

Hello. Mark Murphy speaking.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello?
Uh-huh.

Yes.
Uh-huh.

All right.

Okay.

Okay.
Thanks.

Thanks.

Whoo. I'm good.
Clean bill of health.

My cleaning lady
is not coming Friday.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello?

Yes.

Yes.

Great. Thanks. Bye.

I'm all good.

Ah. Congratulations.

(BOTH SlGH WlTH RELlEF)

Hey.

Don't tell the guys
my real number, okay?

Why?

Sixty-seven
is pretty impressive.

(SlGHS) It is, isn't it?

(GASPS) Let's make it
69. It's funnier.

Mmm.

I don't know.
That sounds fake.

Mark, it is fake.

Anyway, why is
your real number so low?

It's not that low.

Well, it is pretty low
for the dude you pretend to be.

I mean, you talk
a really big game, Mark.

I don't know if it's
going to Catholic school,

or maybe I'm just
weirdly romantic,

but I have always
believed that... I don't know...

That act is, uh...
Is special.

Wow, that's really sweet.

But I have gotten
handies in the hundreds.

(SlGHS)

Would you like
some champagne?

Ah. You know,
it's pretty dark that you have to get people drunk

in order to get them to
buy stuff in your store.

So how long have
you been divorced?

LlLY: Okay.
Prepare to be wowed.

(GASPS)

Wow.

This one's very popular
with the Muslim community.

So? Do you really like it?

Do you?
Do you?

Do you?
I do.

I do. Me, too.
Okay.

And, uh,
what about...

With this tiara?

Oh. Beautiful. Look.
(GASPS)

What about this muff?

Uh, I love me
some muff.

So, you feel okay
with me walking down the aisle looking like this?

Totally.
You look so beautiful.

I knew it.
What?

You are lying
to my face.

What? No, I'm not.
I can't even see your face.

Come on, Whit.
You've been fake with me all day.

You were fake about
the invitations and the flowers. And now, this.

Okay, Lily,
I don't know what to do.

I just want to be
there for you.

Well, then, I need you
to be you. Okay?

Look, I think I was
being oversensitive yesterday because...

Sometimes, I feel
embarrassed that I like all that stuff as much as I do.

No. You know what?
The truth is I need to learn to shut up sometimes.

Yeah. But if it
weren't for you,

I'd have an aquarium table
and a tattoo necklace that said "Carrie."

It would have
been confusing.

You're just so much
more of a "Samantha."

Look, I just need you to
be straight with me. Okay?

Because I can
feel myself getting sucked into all this wedding stuff.

And I'm going to
need you to pull me back from the edge.

Okay. Well, in that case,
take off that dress.

You look like an
uncircumcised penis.

I've seen a lot
of those things.

Yeah, I know...
I know you have.

I'm so proud of you.

Ah, well, they just
said they're interested. Nothing's for sure, yet.

It's such a good idea.
They're going to buy it.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, do you want to hear
something interesting about wedding rings?

Uh-oh. Here we go.
Uh, they're the world's smallest prison?

No, no, no, no.
It's a bribe.

No. It's little tiny
handcuffs with no keys.

No. I was
reading about it,

and the wedding ring
symbolizes the eternal circle of love.

With no beginning
and no end.

What happened to you?

What?

Well, I'm just waiting
for your head to explode.

Okay, I'm evolving, biotch.

I ain't mad at weddings.
I ain't "scurred."

Oh, God.
Yeah, you know,

you're definitely
too white to pull that off.

Oh, hey, that's
my next website.

(CHUCKLES)

You look so beautiful.

Really?

I can't believe you're
finally getting married.

I know.

Okay, I'm going
to practice.

Okay.
Okay.

(EXHALES)

To have and to hold.

To love and to cherish.

Till death do us part.

I do.

No!

(GASPlNG)

I knew your head
was going to explode sooner or later.

(GASPlNG)

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