Original subtitles

I'm calling your cell phone, we're gonna find it.

- Okay, I'm telling you... - Shh, listen for it.

Okay, but it's probably...

Quiet... for at least, just, like, ten seconds.

I think it's on silent.

Hey, Whit's phone, uh, I don't know if you ran away

or if you just slid off her greasy face

but, uh...

Hopefully wherever you are you're happy

and you found a towel.

Okay, bye.

That is the first voicemail of yours I've ever listened to.

Mm.

Okay, I'm gonna call Lily from your phone.

Wait, you have a password on your phone?

Yeah.

Passwords are kinda sketchy.

They're not sketchy,

and mark loves to steal my phone and send dirty texts

to random contacts.

And now my aunt Cheryl thinks I wanna tap that.

I don't have a password on my phone.

I know, and now there's a random guy out there

looking at pictures of us that we should not have taken.

Besides, it's my phone. It's like my thing.

Your thing?

Yeah, I have my things, you have your things

and that's my thing.

Wait, we live together, okay?

There's no your things and my things.

There's our things, right?

I bought that table, our table.

You bought the bed, that's our bed.

I left cake out on the counter, we got a mouse.

Hey, what'd I miss?

Alex has a password on his phone.

I meant the hockey game but keep going.

Either way...

I'm seeing a fight.

It's messed up though, right?

We should not be keeping things from each other.

Mm, you're Alex's woman.

He has a right to keep things from you.

But we're not sleeping together.

You have no reason to lie to me.

Yeah, I'm not giving either of you two

my password.

Ah, you know what?

I bet I know it.

Whitney, type in 23 and 45.

Michael Jordan's numbers, that's his password.

No, it's not.

Of course it's not.

It's 9-0-0-9.

Why would it be 9-0-0-9?

That's "boob" upside down.

No.

I promise you I will crack this code.

I am a cop.

I have nothing better to do.

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience,

so...

Well, I guess that's the last of the boxes.

It's official, we live together.

Aah.

All right, I'm gonna go buy some duct tape

and a box cutter.

Okay.

And just in case, a shirt that says

"I love America."

Hi, Neal.

Hi.

Wow, Lil, this place is amazing.

Yeah, it's so bricky and stairsy

and floory.

Yeah, and the neighborhood is so pawn shoppy

and prostitutey.

Okay.

Hey, this is the next cool neighborhood, all right?

I know it's dangerous now, but in a year

this is where everyone's gonna live.

If we live.

Man, you guys have a lot of stuff.

How much of this stuff is Neal's

and how much of it is yours?

Uh, I don't know.

Now that we live together it's just kinda

all our stuff.

That's interesting 'cause Alex seems to think

there are certain things that we should keep

separate from each other.

That's crazy.

A couple is supposed to grow closer and closer

until they are one.

Mm, not in reality.

Eventually a couple gets so sick of each other

that they just make a whole new person.

Neal and I share everything.

Mm, you think you do,

but you guys haven't lived together yet.

I mean, I'm sure there are things you've saved

from the times when you weren't together, you know.

Private things.

Things that bears do in the woods.

Yeah, but that stuff's not gonna be an issue with us.

Oh, Roxanne's right.

Guys want nothing to do with the nasty stuff.

And the few that do would have already asked for it.

You know, I'm gonna go check if there's an echo

in the bathroom.

Hey, did Lance ever have a password on his phone?

Um, I never checked.

I have self-esteem.

Whit, couples need their own stuff.

They need their own friends, their own interests.

Even when Lance and I were together,

one night a week we would do our own thing.

I like that.

Maybe I'll give Alex a night alone

and I'll take myself out on a little date, you know?

But I'm gonna dress slutty so I don't have to be interesting.

Hello!

Nope, no echo.

No!

Echo!

Oh, God, it's like I'm at the bottom

of a canyon in here.

Happy first night at the apartment.

You too.

I never knew you wore a mouth guard.

I don't.

Uh, I don't know whose this is.

Just found it here and, uh, for some reason

put it in my mouth.

So, uh, anyway...

And I'll see you...

In bed.

Well, me...

Aah...

Had a good time tonight, but I'm just not looking

for something serious right now, so...

Hey, Alex, do you have the laptop?

Aah! Get out!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

You know what? Keep the laptop.

Just keep it forever.

So you don't knock?

Not on my own bedroom door.

You were supposed to be out on a date with yourself.

It ended early, she talked too much.

Wha... do you do that every time I go out?

No, you know what, we're not talking about this, okay?

Ever.

Okay, look, I'm not freaked out, okay?

It's not like you're cheating on me or anything.

Whit, I've been doing that since I was 13,

so if anything I'm cheating on that with you.

Well, at least for me you take your socks off.

Oh, God.

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

It's fine, it is a totally healthy and normal

thing to do.

Normal and healthy?

Why don't you just punch me in the face.

I'm sorry, do you maybe wanna wash your hands?

Stop!

What is going on, buddy? You can tell me.

Something with your family?

Whatever it is, I'm here.

I got caught.

Enjoying my own company.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, you got caught?

By whom?

Whom?

Dude, can you not use proper English?

Somehow it makes me feel worse about this, okay?

Whitney, she walked in on me.

Whew, the walk-in is the worst.

Okay, uh, what are we talking about here?

Where did she catch Colonel Mustard?

In the bedroom with the laptop.

Bedroom?

How intimate.

I always pictured you as a couch guy.

Pictured me?

Okay, my advice.

You're gonna have to lay low for a while.

No web stuff, unplug and go acoustic,

Eric Slapton style.

Mark, I'm not worried about

how I'm gonna do it in the future.

I'm worried about how awkward it is now.

I know, I know.

I had a similar incident at the academy.

Um, in an interrogation room.

And what I learned is,

you cannot undo what's been done.

You just gotta own it and any time you see a mirror

assume it's two-way.

Hey, uh, are you planning on going out

any time soon, or...

Oh, sorry, Lil, I gotta take this.

It's a work call.

Hey, guys, we all on?

I think it's really important

that we move on this one quickly, it's...

Neal.

Yeah, Lil? I'm still on a call.

Nothing!

Bless you.

Everything go okay in there?

I heard screaming.

I was just waxing my moustache.

And you didn't do that in the bathroom you share

with your fiance, why?

'Cause you were right.

There are some things I don't want him to see or hear.

I've been doing everything in there.

Everything.

- Oh, Shalom. - Hey, Whit.

How was your date with yourself?

Are you gonna call you?

No.

But I did walk in on Alex you-know-what-sturbating.

What? No!

Yeah. He's totally freaked out.

Whoa, where did you catch him?

In the bedroom.

Above the covers.

Oh, no.

Mm-hm.

The look on his face... he looked like

he was killing someone and liked it.

- Oh! - No, no, no, no, no.

And the rest is just a blur of chest hair and shame.

All right, see?

Lil, this is what happens when you live with a man.

I mean, unless great pains are taken,

you will see things you can never un-see.

Above the covers?

Oh! That is gonna haunt me.

Were his toes pointed or curled?

I don't know, he was wearing socks.

God, they really do just take them off for us, huh?

Yes.

Just brace yourself, woman.

This is gonna happen to you, okay?

I caught Lance so much that he couldn't finish

unless I walked in.

Alex?

I'm coming in.

Unless this isn't a good time.

In which case, just say the word.

Okay, I'm putting the key in the door...

I'm turning the knob.

Are you turning the knob?

Alex, come on, not on the bike.

What?

For real? Seriously?

You really thought that's what I was doing?

Here, with all my clothes on?

I don't know how you do it.

Well, you kinda do!

Look, I'm sorry I made such a big deal about it, all right?

I was just... I was embarrassed

and I know you walked in on me by accident.

- So we're good? - Yeah, we're good.

All right?

Although we should probably come up with

some sort of signal like, uh, if I'm alone...

That's probably what I'm doing.

Hey, uh, Lily told me

to come over and get a tablecloth

for the housewarming party.

Because it is so important that we impress our best friends

who we see every day.

I'll get it.

So, uh, how are things going?

Things seem better here.

Good, yeah. Wait, better?

Yeah.

Lil told me you got caught

and things were a little tense around here.

You told Lily?

No!

She was just there when I told Roxanne.

Yeah, this is about the level of tension I was expecting.

So, uh, I will see one or both of you guys tonight.

I can't believe you told everybody.

Okay, I tell them everything, okay?

And who cares!

Didn't you tell anybody?

Yeah, I told mark.

But I can tell whoever I want.

The victim gets to tell the story.

To be fair, you were victimizing yourself.

Look, they don't care.

I do, all right?

Walking in on me was an accident,

but telling them wasn't.

You chose to make our thing their thing too.

Okay, so some things I'm allowed to tell people

and some things I'm not?

Yes! That's how a relationship works!

Okay, so now I really feel bad that I told your mom.

You told my mom?

Hey, I figured she could relate.

You know?

We just, like, shared stories...

No!

I'm kidding.

But now the whole Lily-Roxanne thing doesn't seem so bad,

does it?

It's nice to have a little bit of a view.

Look at those kids playing tag.

Boy, I hope that's tag and not a hate crime.

Eh, either way, I'm off duty.

Lil, here.

Got you a little housewarming present.

What is this?

Key to my apartment.

You know, until you get comfortable.

Oh, thank you.

The mirror is in a weird place,

but you'll get used to it.

Hey, guys.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Look, I know you all know, so let's just leave it at that,

all right?

I thought by saying that it would make it less awkward.

I was wrong.

Who cares!

You got caught doing something that we all do.

I masturbate.

- Roxanne? - What.

Come on, I'm trying to start a little Spartacus

thing here.

Okay, um...

Mark masturbates.

- Hey, everybody. - Hello.

Hey, Whit, come on in.

We're all sharing private habits

and it's fun and very party-like.

Oh, well, I actually brought something

for us to do.

This is a box of all of my most embarrassing stuff.

Old diaries, yearbooks, you name it.

So dig in.

Seriously, just have at it.

Whit, you don't have to do this.

No, I do. I feel bad.

And I want to even the score.

Ooh, first page.

"Dear diary, it's been two weeks.

"When is my other boob going to come in?

What the fart?"

Okay, okay, wait, wait, I have a good one.

"First French kiss today. Wish I hadn't done the accent."

Oh!

Oh, my.

- What do we have here? - What is that?

Oh, no, no, I didn't realize that was in there.

It's a little art house film called

Spring Break Babes of Bourbon Street.

No way.

Okay, I will have you know I was very drunk

and in desperate need of attention... I mean, beads.

So wait, Whit, you went to New Orleans on spring break?

No, I was actually there for a funeral.

Okay, there's nothing about this I'm proud of.

Where are you girls from?

- Miami! - Chicago!

All right!

I got beads to give away!

- Whoo! - Whoo!

That rectangle tells me all I need to know.

- Whoo! - Woo-hoo!

No, wait! Come back!

I want some beads!

Let me show you my...

We already got hers, so...

Come on! Whoo!

Looks like they underlined your neck.

This is even more embarrassing then when my dad told me

about this DVD in the first place.

Look, Whit, I appreciate what you're trying to do here,

but all these are just your things.

And letting everyone else in on them

means you're kind of missing the point about us.

No, it doesn't because...

This is the journal I was keeping when I met you.

And it's full of all of our most private things.

So I took it out of the box

'cause this is just for me and you

and for nobody else.

- You are catching on. - Mm.

But I think that, uh, you have to show this journal

to me now.

Oh, no, it's kind of my thing.

Ah.

Hey, so, uh, you wanna know my password?

No, it's okay.

You know, it's the date we met.

The night of our first, uh, well, everything.

That's so sweet.

Yeah, here. Give it a try.

Oh, no.

Yeah, why not? Go for it.

Yeah, come on. Raar!

Yeah, you don't really know the date, do you?

- Of course I know the date. - Oh, okay.

- Hey. - Huh?

Give me that, this is not open book.

July 11, 2008.

Opening day of Hellboy II.

We saw it, went drinking, ran into this guy.

7,11,8.

I cannot believe you remember that.

Yeah, and if I'd thrown a rock instead of paper,

you could have walked in on me.

You know, cleaning my own gun.

Sliding doors.

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