Original subtitles

Ok, so, dad, so, uh...

If you're going on a cruise to Mexico on Christmas,

then there's really no reason

for me to go to New Jersey, right?

Yes!

No, I'm really disappointed, yeah.

Yeah. Great.

Uh, okay, safe trip. Bye.

Get up. I wanna jump on the bed.

You are so lucky.

I know. I get to play hooky on Christmas,

and I get to hang out with you.

You mean, go with me to Glenview

to see my mom and weird-ass aunts?

Oh.

Do we really have to do that?

Didn't last year your aunt Nancy

hit your aunt Becky in the face with a ham?

Actually, it was a fist. Um...

Christmases in my family have always been terrible.

I remember growing up, my parents would go into a room

and fight with each other,

and I'd be in my own little world,

rubbing Ken and Barbie's smooth parts together.

You know, you deserve a good Christmas.

Hey, we should just have our own.

God, I'd love that.

Yeah, no fighting, no family,

we could invite all our friends over.

All we have to do

is get out of going to see your mom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can make up an excuse.

I do it all the time to get out of jury duty.

I don't know if we'll get out of Christmas

by, uh, telling her you're a racist.

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.

You heard me.

- Hi, mom. - Hi, honey.

Did you get some new clothes?

Uh, no, I didn't.

Why not?

Hi, Alex.

Hey, Candi. You look great.

Thanks.

You know, it must be these illegal diet drugs

I've been taking.

Guess the government just doesn't want me

to look this good.

So have you talked to your father

and his child-bride lately?

Ah.

Mom, she's 49.

Parts of her are much younger.

Um, mom, I actually have to tell you something.

I... I'm not gonna be able to come to Glenview for Christmas.

- What? Why not? - I know.

We're going on a cruise with Alex's parents.

- Oh, no. - I'm sorry. Yeah.

Yeah, and we're gonna wear so much sunscreen,

so we won't be tan at all when we get back.

And I have been packing all morning.

Look.

- Wow. Mexico. - Yeah.

I mean, who could blame you?

Remind me to give you a list for the farmacia.

But, mom, we'll still celebrate Christmas.

We'll take you to dinner tonight.

I'm hungry now.

Do you have any Bailey's?

Where'd the suitcase come from?

Oh, uh, don't take this the wrong way,

but I always have a bag packed.

Listen, picking out a tree is like picking out a lady.

She's probably only gonna be around for 2 1/2 weeks,

so don't spend too much on her.

Oh, thank God. I thought he was gonna say,

leave her on the curb and wait for the city to pick her up.

I think this is gonna be the best Christmas ever.

Then again, the bar's pretty low.

You know, I was raised by atheists,

and I'm engaged to a Hindu.

Okay, after this, we have to get stuff for Christmas dinner,

so lily, you're cooking.

Roxanne, you're in charge of alcohol.

Ooh, actually I am taking a little time out from drinking.

- Oh. - I'm just not handling

my first post-divorce Christmas that well.

I drunk-dialed Lance last night.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Yep, I told him that I hate him,

and that I still have sex dreams about him,

so it was confusing for both of us.

All right.

Well, anyway, I think it's a good time

that I get a handle on the drinking.

I went into Barry's liquors the other day, and...

They just gave me a free tank top.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna have at least one sober adult

around me on Christmas.

It took 20 years,

but Santa finally answered my letter.

I'm so glad I'm not with my mom.

She never used to let me eat cookie dough.

Well, she's not here, so...

Merry Christmas and happy salmonella.

Yeah.

So here's a new twist on old traditions,

starting with a cocktail.

This is a bloody Mary eggnog.

A blood nog.

Happy Birthday, Jesus.

These lights are like seaweed.

Stop pulling, stop pulling, stop pulling.

I'm not pulling.

How's it going?

Good.

Hey, Whit, thank you for having us over.

I've never done this before.

The only holiday tradition we had in my town was called

"ding dong, let's throw rocks at the brown kid."

Uh, Roxanne.

A virgin blood nog for you, my dear.

- Thank you. - Yup.

You know, this sobriety thing is not that hard.

I feel great. This morning, I woke up

in the same room I fell asleep in.

Wow.

And look, I put eyeliner...

On both eyes.

Roxanne, this ornament's cool.

Oh, yeah.

Lance gave me that a couple years ago

before he stabbed me in the heart.

That was back when... When we were happy, you know?

And we believed in little things like ornaments.

And love.

And the future.

Hey, let's go scream in the elevator.

Honey?

Oh, my God.

- Do you hear that? - What?

No fighting, no yelling.

This is the best Christmas ever.

- Oh, serious question, though. - Hmm?

How awesome do I look in these?

That was fast.

Merry Christmas!

Dad.

Dad, so good to see you!

- I just wish I had known you were coming. - Oh, what fun would that be?

And you know how I am.

I'm here, I'm there,

you never know exactly where I'm gonna be.

- And it's Christmas. - Ah.

- No call or email? - Oh.

Voicemails, emails, Facebook...

Technology is killing our ability

to really connect with each other.

Dad, you know Alex started an Internet company.

But it also brings us together.

Alex!

Hey.

- The place still looks great. - Ah.

You've never been here.

What?

I was just here last month.

No, I saw you a year ago.

I think we spent, like, ten minutes together

- in an airport Cinnabon. - Oh.

Yeah, it was when you bought me that playboy,

like it was a normal thing to do.

Uh, why aren't you...

Spending Christmas with Dina?

Now the real question is, why aren't we dancing?

? Dancing through the snow ?

- ? in a one-horse open sleigh ? - Oh, God.

You look beautiful, said the tree to the apple.

Uh, you did not answer my ques...

Did you start dyeing your hair?

- I didn't. - Oh.

I found this amazing herb in Indonesia.

It returns your hair to its natural color.

Here, I picked this up for you...

- In Jakarta. - Ooh.

Wow.

The tag says cost plus.

Yep. Cost plus Jakarta.

I have to hit the bathroom. Oh!

? Come all ye faithful ?

? joyful and triumphant ?

Oh, God. This is not good.

We have got to get him out of here, he will ruin this.

Oh, man, we were so close to not having family.

No, no, no. We... we gotta just stick to our thing.

We are fake going on a real cruise.

But he just flew here from Indonesia.

No, he didn't. He flew here from Phoenix.

Nothing he says is true.

He just says whatever he thinks will make people like him.

Oh, yeah, that must've skipped a generation.

Such a treat to use an American toilet again.

So now for your real present.

Alex, I hope you're ready to make a lot of money,

because this right here is the best growth opportunity

in the vitamin world since Gingko Biloba.

Imagine a vitamin that can keep you up for two days,

and all you have to do is snort it.

And all I need from you is a valid credit card.

Oh, dad.

Oh, you know what, dad?

We are gonna be late for our flight.

Your flight?

- Yeah. - But where you going?

Oh, we're going on a cruise, uh, with my parents.

It's an established thing. You can ask anybody.

Yeah, our flight leaves in, like, an hour. Sorry.

Oh, oh. No, no, no, no. Hey, I dropped in unannounced.

- I'll take you to the airport. - Oh, no, no, no.

No, no. We'll just take a cab.

What? You'll never make it on time.

Alex, where's your suitcase?

Come on, man. We've got to move.

What are you doing? Why are you folding?

Just put it in there.

Okay, it's gotta be more full.

Come on, just jam it in there.

I don'know. Okay, get it in, get it in.

Come on. Come on, come on, come on.

- Come on. - Oh, I forgot a swimsuit.

- We're not going anywhere! - You're right, you're right,

you're right, you're right.

Uh, all right.

- Ah, got my bag. - So, yeah...

Tickets. Okay, bye!

- Oh! - Okay, thank you.

Careful on that boat.

I don't wanna be reading about you.

- Okay. - Alex!

- Okay. Tickets... - Oh.

- Ah... uh... - Good, good...

I'm sorry, you need help with the bags.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You... dad... you can just take off whenever.

No, no. You should check the bags curbside.

- No, we don't... - I'll find a guy.

- No, no. - This is ridiculous.

You know, a cab home's gonna cost, like, 80 bucks.

This is my man Ronald.

He'll take good care of you. We both went to Loyola.

The one in California, if he asks.

Merry Christmas, folks. Can I take your bags?

No. No, no, no, sorry. Um, just gimme a second

to say goodbye to my dad, Ronald.

Yeah, jeez, let her say bye to her dad, Ron.

- Ron? I... - Yeah.

Hey, have a great time, you two.

Bye, dad.

It was really good to see you.

Merry Christmas.

And you too, bug.

Well, time for me to take my chariot

back to the four seasons.

Nothing like spending Christmas in a five-star hotel.

? It came upon a midnight clear ?

He's not really staying at the four seasons, is he?

Now you're catching on.

- Are you guys ready? - Yeah.

Three, two, one.

- Ah! - Yay, all right.

Okay.

Oh, my God, Alex. Look at this.

What I found with the DVDs.

"Bug, here's hoping that this year

"we can have the best Christmas ever.

There's no place I'd rather be. Love, dad."

Oh, God. At least my mom is with her sisters.

My dad is all alone on Christmas.

Look at the stationary.

"Big six hotel and liquor mart."

If he's at that place, and he's got ten bucks,

he's not alone.

Ugh.

If these walls could talk,

they'd have a woman's voice and an Adam's apple.

Well, what's your mom gonna say when she finds out

- you saw your dad on Christmas? - Oh, she'll never find out.

They hate each other. They only speak

when there's a lawyer present.

Man, it's a miracle that one of these rooms

isn't your office.

Whitney!

It's not what you think.

Candi, don't freak out,

but I think...

Yep, the condom broke.

I can't believe this... What is this? Is this happening?

Is this happening?

Nothing is happening.

Hey, Vince, you should button up your boxers, dude.

- Thank you. - Okay.

You guys don't speak.

You haven't talked since graduation.

You guys hate each other.

Yeah, well, we still hate each other.

Honey, this was just a one-time thing.

And we don't talk.

There was no talking going on in there.

And, I'm sorry, but aren't you two

supposed to be on a Mexican cruise?

Okay, your thing is much worse than our thing.

Oh, both things are fine. Everything's fine.

I cannot believe this.

I cannot believe that you guys are actually

more messed up and dishonest than I thought you were.

I am such an idiot for thinking

that you guys weren't gonna ruin my Christmas.

Hey, you lied too.

I learned from the best.

Alex, wait a minute.

Did you have a chance to take a look at those DVDs?

Hey, did you find your dad?

Yeah.

He was inside my mom.

I thought they couldn't stand each other.

You and me both. I apparently don't know

what's true anymore. And I'm sorry, you guys.

I'm not gonna be much of a hostess.

You don't have to sit around

- and listen to this. - Hey.

Nobody's going anywhere.

Yeah, Whit.

Everybody fights with their family on Christmas.

Why do you think we're all here?

But...

It's not just the fighting,

it is the constant lying,

and I am just as bad as they are.

I realize that my family's Christmas tradition

is dishonesty.

Well.

Our families aren't here now.

So... what do you wanna do?

Yeah, we can start our own traditions.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

The Christmas tradition that I wanna start is that

everybody tells the truth, and that's it.

And we're all just gonna go around,

it's probably gonna get real.

Who's first?

Mark.

I journal.

Every night.

Sometimes in the morning, when my dreams are really vivid.

Oh, my God, does that feel good to say. Whoo!

Good, mark. Thank you.

Thank you. Who's next?

- Lily. - Okay...

I'd like to go again, actually.

When I was ten years old,

I got paid $20 to...

Touch tips with Randy Lucas.

Go ahead, lily.

Mine is that it bothers me

that you always shower right after we have sex, so...

Mine is that it makes me uncomfortable

when you talk about our sex life with our friends. Roxanne?

Uh... uh, yeah, okay.

Um, well, mine is about Lance.

And, yes, he cheated on me.

In my own house.

In my own bed.

On my own boogie board, but...

With a little sober clarity, I can admit that

I pushed him away long before that, so I...

Kind of need to take responsibility for that.

Why do you need a boogie board?

Come on. You're breaking into my house?

I'm sorry, what are you guys here for?

Do y need a morning-after pill?

No, but if you have any penicillin, I'll take it.

Hey, I'm Vince.

I understand we're both in the finance game,

and I'm also 1/8th Indian.

Dad, stop...

With the lies, okay?

We just started a Christmas tradition

where we're all telling the truth,

and I'm next, so...

I lied to you guys about going on that cruise

because you guys have ruined every Christmas

- that I've ever had. - What are you talk...

We had the most wonderful Christmases.

The house would be filled with music,

- and dear friends dropped over. - Mom.

You would get drunk and sing,

and the repo man was not our friend.

Jerry was a nice man

with a thankless job.

Dad, you can't even remember things honestly.

I am trying to break the cycle, okay?

Another truth? I was on ecstasy at your third wedding.

That's why I was sitting on all those balloons.

Well, that answers a lot of questions

I had about your toast.

All right. What about you two?

Do you have anything you wanna share?

- No. - I don't have anything.

But I bet he does.

Uh, ooh, I'm racking my brain.

Yo tengo nada.

All right, you know what? Then I'll go.

Uh... two years ago, after I met you two,

I almost broke up with Whitney.

- What? - Yeah, look, a lot of girls

from messed-up families are messed up too.

And when I first saw how dishonest your family was,

I almost bailed,

and that would've sucked because...

You're a really good person.

Well, of course she's a good person.

She's my daughter.

Okay, I got one.

Your mother and I have secret sex every Christmas.

Vince.

Well, it's the one time of year we get along.

I mean, we just slipped back into it a few years back.

Okay, you guys never got along on Christmas.

You guys would lock yourselves into a room,

and yell and scream at each other,

and you'd pound on the walls... Oh, ew, ew, gross!

Oh, we loved Christmas, bug,

because even when we knew we were bombing as parents,

there'd be a point when we'd look over there

and we'd see you playing with your Barbies...

And we'd think, there's the one great thing

we ever did together.

And that's the truth.

You guys are gonna make me cry.

And we try to recapture that feeling once a year

with keep-your-shirts-on sex.

Ew. Come on!

- Oh. - Bye.

Thanks for having us, bug.

I hope we didn't ruin another Christmas.

No, God, I love you guys.

But in the future, I am not tolerating any more lies,

I'm serious. What?

Your cat didn't run away, I hit it with my car.

But we buried her in the backyard.

And that's why all those weird mushrooms sprouted up.

I forgot to mail three of your college applications.

And we weren't married when you were born.

Okay, you know what? I'm good. I'm good.

Thanks, guys. Love you, love you.

Hey, how 'bout a ride back to the hotel?

Oh, get a cab.

- Honey, it's okay. - Mm, what?

- It's okay. - All right.

You're still a man.

It... it got bigger, I swear.

I'm sorry we didn't get

to have our family-free Christmas.

Oh, well, you know, the truth is,

we'll never have family-free Christmas.

We're family now.

We are.

Oh, hey, and also, uh...

Can I have one more turn at the honesty thing?

Sure.

Okay, um...

Well, remember how I told you

I loved you for the first time, uh, after six months?

Uh, actually I told you for the first time

after six weeks, you just didn't hear it

because you were asleep.

I broke your iPad.

And I wasn't asleep.

I told you this DVD would change your life, buddy.

I... am speechless.

I am... without speech.

Yes, you do. Quick question.

What is the strongest structure on earth, mark?

The human span.

No.

Friendship.

So all you have to do is find 10 friends

who'll sell these vitamins. It's guaranteed profit.

And all you want is four hundred and fifty dollars cash?

- And I can retire in three years? - Yeah.

Hey, I've been retired for ten!

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