Original subtitles

Wow, we haven't been on a double date in a long time, huh?

- I know. - Is this shirt cool or what?

Yeah, you look good. We both look good.

We should look this good for each other.

Why?

Yeah, never mind.

So what, do you wanna share a salad to start, or what...

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah.

Don't burn stuff to talk about when it's just us.

That whole... What are you gonna order thing?

That is valuable small talk for when stuff gets awkward.

Don't waste the small talk.

I saw an albino dude on the train today.

Love it.

Save it in case Roxanne gets caught lying about her age.

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.

You heard me.

Well, there you go.

So Roxanne tells me you created an Internet company.

Yeah, but I just sold it actually.

It's called mendeavors.com.

No way! I love that site. All those videos are so helpful.

I still think 50% of mendeavors traffic

is people looking for gay porn.

I think 50% of all traffic is people looking for gay porn.

I watched the video on how to change a tire,

how to tie a bow tie.

Oh, and it helped me restring my racquetball racquet.

Oh, dude, I used to play a lot of racquetball.

I'm sorry, you used to play a lot of what ball?

Well, yeah, I used to play racquetball before I met you.

Like, all the time.

I didn't know you played racquetball.

I did not know anyone played racquetball.

Ha, ha, ha. Laugh all you want.

You know, racquetball is actually...

A surprisingly good work out.

Yeah, that's...

Oh, man.

I used to play all the time with the guys from the poker game.

What poker game? What guys?

- What... hi, I'm Whitney. - I'm Alex.

You know that I did exist before we met, right?

I just... I didn't realize you were so exotic.

Are you just saying all this to impress, um...

- Rob. - Rob?

Hey, mission accomplished, buddy.

So I'm gonna let you guys talk about me while I'm gone.

Well, you know we will, man.

Anybody know where the...

The men's room, yeah. It's outside to the left.

It's got a bear on the door.

Don't ask me why 'cause there definitely are girl bears too.

What? This guy's awesome.

Yeah. I don't know.

I think there's something weird about Rob.

Roxanne, come on. He's great.

- I mean, I wanna date him. - Yeah, you should.

No, he's nice, but he's oddly curious.

I mean, that is a lot of questions

for someone who's not prescribing me antidepressants.

Roxanne, you are used to dating narcissists,

so you're just freaking out because Rob actually wants

to talk about something other than himself.

Yeah, I mean, Roxanne, that's really true.

I mean, he was, like, all interested in me.

It made me feel kinda like, I don't know... special.

Look, he might be great on paper,

but I just... I feel like he's hiding something.

He's not hiding anything, okay?

I actually think I know more about Rob

than I know about Alex, if...

That's even your name.

Well, sometime's you call me "Bunny Bunny."

No.

Look, whatever.

I'm just telling you guys.

I feel like he's gonna ask me

to join a religion I can't afford...

Or tell me he's really a woman.

Well, yeah, that would be awesome.

'Cause then I could date him.

I just think it's weird

that we've been together for three years

and I had no idea that you play racquetball or poker.

What, like, that's exciting for you?

Like, I'm mysterious? Like, maybe I'm a secret agent?

Uh, you playing racquetball

doesn't make me think you're a secret agent.

It makes me think you're secretly 55.

Well, what if I told you I was in an acappella group?

That would not be good.

Then I was not in one.

Okay, I just feel like there are certain things

that I should know about you,

like you know, what countries you've been to,

or if you've broken a bone.

Uh, I broke my hand in high school.

Oh, as a result of hate crime

because you were in an acappella group?

No, I punched a wall actually...

After I got second place in a science fair.

How many women have you slept with?

S... uh...

Same amount as last time I answered that question.

- Have you ever killed a man? - Uh-uh.

- Ever killed a woman? - Not yet.

Look, Whit, there's no big mystery, okay?

Racquetball and poker... Those were two things

that I used to do that I don't do anymore.

- Well, why not? - Because that's what happens

when guys get into relationships.

You know, they take some of their old hobbies

and they exchange them for some new hobbies.

Like, uh, having sex on a regular basis.

That's a shared hobby.

Okay, but what are we gonna do during the day, you know?

I mean, there's gotta be some stuff you miss.

Um...

Well, I guess now that I think about it

I kinda miss having Thai food.

Let's order it.

- But Whit, you don't like it. - I like it.

I just don't like fire shooting out of every hole in my body.

Well, you just ruined our one shared hobby there.

Alex says ****.

But I just... I feel like we don't do enough things together.

It is important.

I mean, Lance and I got divorced

because we had nothing in common.

I liked wine and old movies.

- And he liked... Heather... - Right.

And that Asian girl whose name I did not catch.

I mean, I could play poker with Alex.

But I feel like I've worked so hard to not have to take money

from sad, sweaty men.

This is all Rob's fault.

I told you something was weird about him,

and now I know what it is.

He destroys everything he touches.

Roxanne, I know what you're doing, okay?

You're afraid of getting hurt, so you're finding flaws in Rob

that do no exist.

You're right.

I've got to stop making up flaws about him...

And start focusing on the reones.

Okay.

- Hi. - Hey.

Namaste, my bitches.

So sorry, my bikram yoga session ran late.

Lil, you something on your forehead.

No, that's my bindi.

Yeah, I've been trying to embrace my Indian side for Neal.

So you put a tiny bike reflector on your face?

It's a hindu symbol that represents the third eye.

When I met Neal's mom last week,

I got the impression she wished I was more Indian.

- More Indian? - Yeah.

I'm not sure that's something you just add to cart.

No, she's worried I'm not gonna embrace

Neal's family traditions.

But I'm actually into it, you know?

My parents were hippie atheists,

so we never celebrated anything.

But they did throw me a party when I dated my first black guy.

You're so good, Lil.

You're always working at your relationship.

You know what?

I'm gonna play racquetball with Alex.

Yeah!

That seems... gawky.

Everyone says that relationships take work

and I need to put more effort in.

I mean, I haven't been on top in, like, two years.

I never know what to do with my hands, you know?

It's like...

Seriously, Whit, you don't have to do this, you know?

Yeah, we do. This is our new thing.

- What? - Oh, no, nothing.

I'm just waiting for the rest of the roller derby team

to get here.

Very funny.

Give me a racquet, and get ready to lose.

Okay. Here you go.

I'm about to take the balls out.

They're small and they're blue.

So you get one joke. Use it wisely.

You have 30 seconds. Go.

Ooh, um, Alex, your balls are so...

No, no, no.

Um... prom night went wrong, so... nah.

Okay, um...

I'm in the area of smurfette's chin.

Mm-hmm. There's something there.

Um, oh, oh, uh, uh, blue man group,

- uh, on fire island. - Ten seconds.

Ha. I got it. Little boy blue, go blow your...

- Time! - No!

All right, now, we play to 15,

and you can't let the ball bounce twice.

I know. I looked this up on Wikipedia.

Okay.

All right, I'm ready.

'Kay.

- One, nothing. - Too fast.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

- All right. - Okay.

- Ready? - Uh-huh.

Okay.

Two, nothing.

The grunting is unnecessary and it's really echo-y in here.

All the good players do it.

No, I can see that.

Oh, yeah!

I didn't know we were starting.

You served.

Three, zero.

Four, zero.

You can't kick it.

You can't catch it!

I hit it.

Ten, nothing.

I hit it! That's a point.

Okay, fine. Ten, one.

That's still not close.

I'm coming back.

11, 1.

14.

15, 1. Game over.

Thanks. That was just as fun as I remember it.

I don't even need to take a shower.

Two out of three.

Come on, we still got 56 minutes of court time.

Let's go!

All right, I'll be here.

So, Roxanne, who is this Rob guy

that Alex keeps going on and on about?

No, I'm looking to get out of the Rob business.

I mean, he asks too many questions.

What's your birthday? Where are you from?

Why are you crying? Who cares?

Yeah, you shouldn't have to take that, Roxanne.

I'm telling you, I have a sixth sense about this.

Plus, I googled him and it came up "no results found."

So clearly, he is not a person.

Google? You're still relying on that?

Google is for amateurs, trust me.

I got a way we can find out the real deal about old Rob.

What are you doing?

Could also just do a background check.

- Hey, hey, Whit! - Hi.

Oh, God, Whit. You look like you're in pain.

I am.

Stupid racquetball.

I feel like a porn star after horseback riding lessons.

Why would a porn star take riding lessons?

Aren't they busy having sex and regretting... everything?

Wasn't a perfect metaphor, Neal.

What about tantric sex?

- We should try that. - Because it's Indian.

Yeah. They talk about it in the kama sutra.

Which is... Indian!

What's the point of that?

Who has sex and doesn't get to finish?

Women.

Alex and I, we need to find something else to do

now that this is... Off the table for a couple days.

Oh, well, you said he likes Thai food, right?

I'm doing a whole Thai thing for my blog

so I need to review this place in wicker park.

- I'll take you guys tonight. - Okay, yeah.

I mean, I just feel like racquetball

was a little ambitious.

I feel like it's a sport for people in prison.

Hey, you know what you get

when you start a game of racquetball

and you don't get to finish?

I already did that. Blue balls.

Oh, man.

That's actually way better than what I was gonna say.

Lily, this isn't Thai. This is Indian.

Well, India's very close to Thailand.

It's mostly the same spices and flavors.

I'm not sure if that's racist or just true.

It's both.

Chef Kudchakachakhar

Hello again. Hi.

Thanks, mom. One snide comment,

and I'm stuck with Madonna in her most annoying phase.

I'm sorry. Do you wanna go somewhere else?

Oh, it's okay, Whit. You hate Indian food too,

so it really makes the sacrifice no less touching.

I do not hate Indian food.

I'm just not always in the mood for warm orange yogurt

that makes me sweat and cry.

Hey, he's giving us his best table.

I think it's the sari.

No, I think he just feels sorry.

So, uh, should we start with some samosas?

Samosas.

Samosas?

- Samosas. - Samosas.

- Samosas. - Samosas.

- Samosas. - Samosa... what am I saying?

Samosas, but it's okay. I knew what you meant.

So what else look to people? Saag paneer.

What? What's wrong?

Hon, you might wanna dial down the intensity

on the whole Indian thing.

Oh, I'm being intense.

I'm sorry, I thought I was embracing your culture.

Lil, I'm from Ohio. I'm not from India.

Neither am I.

Your mom reminded me of that, like, three times during dinner.

I saw an albino dude on the train.

Now I feel silly. I just want your mom to like me.

Babe, I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but... I don't care what my mom thinks.

My mom doesn't even like my dad

and he's way more Indian than you.

Oh, thank God.

'Cause I'm wrapped so tight in this thing

I haven't peed since, like, 4:00.

Look, you don't have to have everything in common, see?

It's very sweet that you tried,

but you can't force these things.

I mean, you're not athletic, and you know what, that's cool.

First of all, racquetball is a prank

that somehow caught on.

- Second, I'm very athletic. - Okay.

I mean, come on.

- I played basketball. - As a kid.

As a teen, competitively in Europe.

What?

Okay.

As a part of a traveling all-star team.

I'm sorry, what?

I can't tell if she's kidding.

Why have I not heard about this?

I told you about this, like, the first week we met.

I feel like if you were that good at something,

I would definitely hear about it every single day.

I think I'm gonna need something proof about this.

- Okay, great! - Yeah.

Holla. Name the day.

Tomorrow.

That's soon.

Okay, bring it.

All right, I'm clearing the entire afternoon.

Great.

Oh, you're not gonna need to do that.

This'll only take a minute.

? ?

- Want a few warm-up shots? - Nope. Check it.

Oh! 'Kay. Take it easy.

Okay. What?

What-what? What's the problem?

What! Oh!

Two, zero.

Make it take it?

Okay, so that's how it's gonna be, huh?

All right.

Five, nothing, bitch.

Okay.

Oh, my God. She's good!

? Go, Whitney! Go, Whitney! ?

? hey, hey! Go, Whitney! ?

It's just so unexpected,

like the first time you see a monkey make an omelet.

Whitney!

Ugh.

No way!

Aww.

Get your head in the game, Miller, come on!

What-what!

Come on, traveling! You walked!

Oh, 12 to 4.

Oh, and do we need all the grunting?

It's just kinda echo-y in here.

Oh!

- All right, that was a foul. - That was all ball.

- That was a foul! - All ball!

Boop.

Dang it. Come on!

Damn it! Damn it!

Alex, take it easy.

I am taking it easy. This is me taking it easy.

Hey, what would the funniest song to put under this be?

No, you know what?

I'm gonna write a little something.

Oh!

Still rolling.

- Hi. - Hey.

You know,

I'm sorry I, uh...

I don't know what happened back there.

Uh, you went insane.

Yeah, I mean, that's what happened.

You know, when I was leaving, it looked like you were trying

to jam the ball into the rafters?

Yeah, that's what I was trying to do.

- Did you end up doing it? - Yeah, I got it up there.

It's all stuck, yeah.

This is very interesting.

Among all the things I didn't know about you,

turns out you're also not the best loser.

I didn't lose. I just... quit...

While you were winning.

It's all making sense to me now though.

I mean, I remember we went to play mini golf

and you jammed your putter into the clown's mouth.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it was mocking me.

Maybe that's why I gave up all this stuff.

Everybody wanted to stop playing with me.

I'm just glad that I'm not the reason that you gave up

all that stuff.

Oh, no, you're the reason why I just got banned

from the "y."

Today was weird.

I'm not used to being the calm, sane one.

Well, you know, that'll all change really soon.

Hey, can I admit something to you?

Sure.

Watching you out there today...

Pretty hot.

Really?

Yeah.

No.

Uh, what do you say?

You wanna maybe go hit the showers?

Oh, um, I actually don't need a shower.

I didn't really break a sweat.

So, sorry.

Come in.

Ah ha! I knew it!

Rob is officially creepy.

I ran a background check.

Turns out he's an identity thief.

Pretty good one too.

He was just arrested for forging passports.

Hmm!

Ah ho!

That's why he was asking you so many questions.

Ah, no wonder he wanted to know my mom's maiden name.

And you thought I was crazy.

Sorry, I just...

Luckily you didn't sleep with him.

Yeah, right.

So...

Roxanne!

Oh... yeah.

Let's do something we haven't done in a long time.

Really?

- Oh, we're not doing that. - Aw.

Wanna talk dirty?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, you're a bad girl.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

How am I a bad girl?

Uh...

Uh, you just... you do bad things.

Mm.

What kind of bad things?

Uh, you... You didn't reorder the checks.

So we can't pay our bills on time.

Yeah.

Well, that doesn't make me a bad girl.

That just makes me a busy girl.

Yeah, but you're a busy girl

who leaves peanut butter on the spoons

and puts them in the dishwasher.

Yeah, bad girl, yeah.

Yeah, well, at least I don't put bowls on the bottom

which blocks the water.

Oh, but you know what?

It doesn't matter actually where you put the bowls

because we have jets on the top

and the bottom of the dishwasher.

Oh, bad girl.

I think living together has kind of ruined this.

Yeah, we're so bad at this. Yeah, so bad.

- Like this. - Just stop.

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