Original subtitles

- No... - No...

- Yes... - Yes!

- No! - Oh!

I told you we should have watched this at my place.

They always lose when we're here.

We're switching it up for the Notre dame game.

We should go to Sal's. This place is bad luck.

I can't.

Whitney's on her way home from Trader Joe's.

We're cooking Paia tonight.

What's up with you and dinner lately?

It's been like every night this week.

Well, Whitney's been shooting a lot of weddings lately,

and I've been having a lot of meetings on my new website,

and this is the only time we can see each other.

Oh, God. Write a love song about it.

Hey, man, can you recycle that?

- What? - The can.

You know Whitney and I recycle.

Oh! You do that even when she's not here?

Yeah, man. Can you just put it in the blue bin?

It's already in the garbage. I'm not gonna take it out.

- Recycling's not my thing. - What is it with you lately?

Why's everything a debate, dude?

Recycling's a scam!

It's just another way that the government

keeps us all distracted from the one real problem in America...

People living under the city. They're there.

Uh, well, I don't want to talk about sewer people.

So can you just recycle the can?

What if I don't?

"What if I don't?" What are you, five?

What are you... four?

Oh! Nailed it!

One trip.

Bad news.

I have crabs.

You know what? I should have known.

Baby can't throw away his own bottle.

It was a can. And since when do you recycle?

Since always, officer Murphy.

But you would know that if you were, I don't know,

a detective.

Wow. Okay.

You know that test was at 7:00 in the morning.

And standardized tests are racist!

Honey, I don't think you heard me.

I said, uh, I have crabs.

I mean, that killed in the checkout line.

Come on.

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.

You heard me.

I don't understand. Where is all this coming from?

I don't know. He's been a baby.

He's been arguing with me about everything

for like a month now.

Best place to get subs. Fastest way downtown.

- Hottest Selena. - That's obvious.

It's Gomez.

Yeah, I know. He said the dead one.

Well, have you guys ever had a fight like this before?

- No. - You guys have been friends

for six years.

Just go down there and see what's going on.

No, I'm not gonna go down there.

He started it. Look, it's probably fine.

He's gonna come over tomorrow and apologize

for acting like a little bitch because the Black Hawks lost.

It'll all blow over.

Okay, I'm just trying to get inside Mark's head...

No, no, no, no. Don't do that.

Was he talking about actual Selena

or Jennifer Lopez as Selena?

'Scuse me.

Did a little detective work around my apartment,

and I just want to return a few things

that I found that belong to Alex...

Including this key

which I will never use again.

Oh, and at some point,

I would like back my Jersey, my blender,

and my protein powder.

Not that I need it.

He gave me back my Xbox controller.

Think you two just broke up.

So wait, Mark and Alex broke up over a can?

Mark brought over a box of Alex's stuff

and then Alex de-friended Mark...

Wait, back up.

I can get Mark out of my life with a can?

So how is Alex about all this?

Oh, not good.

When Alex is upset, he just tries to keep busy.

Do you remember that time we broke up for three hours,

and he went to Vegas, made $1,000,

and got sawed in half by criss angel?

But this can't just be about a can, right?

Oh, yeah. Guys fight.

It's in their DNA.

They used to kill each other for meat and women

but, you know, they got nothing left

now that you can get both online.

They do have a few outlets, you know...

Road rage, sports radio.

Barbecues.

You just don't come to a man's house

and touch his grill.

Don't squeeze down my burgers.

You don't get that juice back.

Hello, friends.

- Oh, hi. - Whitney, uh,

I understand you already have a dog in this fight,

but I'd like to address the group.

- You're welcome to stay. - That's kind of you, Mark.

I know fallouts can be rough on a group of friends.

This is the time when you gotta choose sides.

- Oh. - Well, I would like to

formally throw my hat into the ring,

and may I remind you it's a, uh, Chicago police hat.

- Mark, can we just... - Whitney.

Technically, when I'm in my uniform,

that's assaulting a police office.

Sorry.

Now, Roxanne.

You should take my side. Let's face it...

You're a DUI waiting to happen.

That is an excellent point.

Let me drink about it.

Lily and Neal, I know you both have

bachelor and bachelorette parties coming up.

There is such a thing as a "get out of jail free" card,

so just in case you find yourselves

in a dead hooker situation...

You know, Mark, we've been talking about it

in couples therapy,

and I think Neal is done killing hookers.

- For now. - Yeah.

Well, then, I made my case. I hope you choose wisely.

I'm off to fight crime.

While Alex sits at home and does nothing for society.

Hi, honey.

Hey. Just, uh, going at it.

I ran down to the store to pick up this jump rope

and I ran back,

then I drank a bunch of orange juice

and threw it all up kinda.

Now I'm just kinda going at it again.

Okay, well, um,

sorry to interrupt your training montage.

Just, you know, getting all yoked.

Burn, burn, burn.

Psss-ah!

- Okay, honey... - Psss-ah!

Watch out one second. Watch out.

Do you wanna stop? Just stop.

Okay. Just put down the semi-gloss.

Feel my lats. Feel my lats.

Okay. I don't know what lats are.

Um... Honey,

you're going trough a breakup,

and I don't think you're handling it particularly well.

Oh, my God, stop the dips. Stop...

Let me get to eight. Get to eight.

- Eight. There. - Eight. Okay.

I have been through breakups before,

and you gotta get back out there.

We gotta get your mind off of Mark.

My mind is not on Mark.

My mind is on my money, and my money is on my mind.

I don't need Mark.

Okay, look, I know this is a hard day for you,

because it's Wednesday and you and Mark

normally go and get your chicken fingers.

Oh! It's chicken wings. It's wings day night.

It's wings day night.

That's the joke... Wings day night.

Oh, man, that's funny.

Wings day night. What?

Okay, well... Why don't I go with you?

Well, um, real... I'm gonna bring my girlfriend to wings day?

Okay. Not as your girlfriend. As your buddy.

I mean, I don't know.

It's just like a bunch of guys hanging out,

- watching the game, right? - That sounds awesome, okay?

I can be a guy.

I once peed standing up at Lollapalooza.

That's not really like a guy.

That's more like a gross chick.

Bros night out.

Two buddies shooting pool.

Yeah, this is great. Mark never wants to play pool.

See? I can be fun without Mark.

Uh, no...

You actually have to hit the white ball into another ball.

But, uh... It's okay.

Uh, we'll... here. Try again.

Okay.

Fire! Fire!

You hit the 8-ball. You lost.

But you're getting the hang of it,

so let's play again, huh? I'll rack.

Oh! Speaking of racks...

Here are your nuclear wings

and extra blue cheese. Can I get you something else?

I think she meant to order mild.

Mild? Are these to eat

or use instead of tampons?

I ordered the nuclear.

Okay, yeah, if you could just set it up at our booth...

You know, we'll just have 'em here.

Thanks.

I can't believe he let a stranger sit in our booth.

Honey, that's not a stranger. That's Neal.

Did he give Neal my Jersey?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh... Neal!

Ha ha!

All right, Neal's not that funny.

Don't let that get to you, okay?

We are having fun, right? We got our wings...

Okay. Good. Good point. Yeah.

Okay. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh!

Oh!

Mmm!

- Oh, my God. - What are you doing?

You're...

These taste like war!

Oh, my God, my mouth's like...

It's like crying.

Here, here, have the blue cheese and the celery.

Eat that. Yeah... ooh. Okay.

Muuah!

Ah!

Okay. Uh, I'll get you some water.

Uh, waitress?

I don't have time for that. Uh-uh.

Whoa. Thank you!

Can I get a water, please?

And a time machine? Thank you.

Hey, Whit.

Tell Alex I'm sorry.

I ran into Mark earlier, and he was just so sad.

And he begged me to come with him.

This whole thing is so weird.

I'm Indian.

This is confusing.

Neal!

Wings here!

What's up?

- Ah. - What did Neal say?

What? Nothing.

Hmm. Two more.

Four more over here, please.

Actually, make that eight more.

You know what? We'll take the keg.

Thank you!

Come on. Okay. Come on.

Get off me, pants. This is your last warning.

If I told you once, I told you twice...

Get off my legs!

Hey, I wanna touch your boobs.

- No. - Yeah. I know, but it's okay.

'Cause I'm not even a boobs guy.

Mark is a boobs guy. I'm more of an ass guy.

That why we make such a great team.

But that's all rig, 'cause I don't miss Mark,

and Mark misses me.

Rraaww.

I feel like you might miss Mark a little bit.

Yeah, yeah. I miss him a little bit.

But you know... Hey.

Do you even know how we m... How we met?

No.

Dude, we met on the softball team.

What? We met on the softball team

when he played...

He played... He played... check it out...

He played second base, I played short base,

and he and I...

He and I were like making beautiful double plays together,

so shut up.

Honey, I'm gonna put this trash can here for you.

Yeah. I love a trash can.

I don't wanna say he completes me,

'cause you complete me,

but he butters the nooks and crannies.

Oh, let's make toast, dude.

No.

I wanna be honest with you for one quick second.

I wanna put my hand under your shirt.

So... The jury's in. You'll let me do that.

Yeah...

Found it.

This is a disaster.

Mark and Alex have to get back together.

Last night Alex got blackout drunk,

and he tried to convince me

to have a threesome with a pillow...

And then he wanted to watch me with the pillow,

and now I have to do so much laundry.

- Right. - Yeah, this breakup is hard

on everyone.

Neal hung out with Mark last night for seven hours,

came to my apartment smelling like Charlie girl

and carrying a stolen street sign.

Yeah.

"Ball Avenue."

I don't know.

I just really hope this ends soon.

Well, they're not gonna solve it on their own.

Guys are way too proud and stubborn

to ever admit they're wrong.

Yeah. Neal acted like he already had that street sign.

So what do I do,

just wait for Alex to make a new friend?

What? No. Never gonna happen.

People don't make new friends in their 30s.

Who's got time for that?

What, oh, I'm just gonna go out to lunch with some new girl

and hear all about her battle with gluten?

Mm-mm.

The craziest part is that

since Alex and Mark haven't been seeing each other,

I realize that Mark and Alex

are weirdly perfect for each other.

He's his spirit animal.

Mine is Nicki Minaj.

The whole situation is just not good.

Guys need their guy friends.

You should go talk to Mark.

If you just sit down with Mark,

you know, like you would with us...

No judgments... He'd open up a little.

Roxanne! I'm Kelly.

- I think we met that one time... - Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm 33. I'm... At capacity.

Oh...

Is she still there?

Hi, Mark.

What are you doing here? We're not talking anymore.

What kind of ice cream is that?

It's rocky road. It's fat-free.

It's much better when you eat it straight out of the carton.

That's my favorite, and you know it.

I just wanted to come over and talk.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I am mad at Alex,

but I am not gonna sleep with you.

You wanna do side-by-side stuff, that's cool.

You know what? Maybe we'll skip the wine...

I just wanted to see if there's anything

you wanted to talk about, no... Judgments.

No.

I'm great.

Okay, well, then I'll start.

Um... I'm not doing so great.

Me either.

I really miss you and Alex being friends.

Me too.

Here. Do you want a blanket?

- Uh-huh. - Here.

So... How are you feeling?

No one's ever asked me how I'm feeling before.

I don't know!

It's... It's like I feel...

Sad.

Okay. Yeah.

- Sad how? - Like...

Pushed aside, left out,

like a third wheel.

Alex was my last single friend, and...

Now he's gone.

He's just upstairs. He's just one flight away.

Yeah, but you guys are so together.

You're such a solid couple.

And the closer you guys get, the less I feel like I fit in.

And now you have this inside joke about recycling.

Not a joke. Not inside.

Yeah. But it's so adult.

I mean, what's next, a house in the suburbs?

It's inevitable. That's how life is.

Hos tear bros apart.

Mark, look, we're not going anywhere, okay?

And I... I'm sorry.

I had no idea you were feeling this way.

I wasn't even sure you had feelings at all.

I'm very sensitive.

I'm like a cluster of raw nerves.

I'm basically a giant penis tip.

That is why I assume you don't have feelings.

Um... Look,

if I have realized anything over the past couple of days,

it's that you are an indispensable part

of Alex's life, which...

Makes you an indispensable part of my life.

Thanks.

And you know...

I totally get how he looks at you

and thinks, uh,

"I'm in this for the long haul."

See? Sometimes hos help bros

and sometimes bros should apologize to hos

for calling them a ho.

Yeah. Not gonna happen.

Ah...

- Hey, um... - Hey.

Mark has something he wants to say to you.

You guys might wanna sit down.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey.

So, um...

Fletch was on TV last night.

Yeah, I know. I-I saw it, uh...

I came in at, "gonna use the whole fist, doc?"

Okay, now that you guys are both in the same room...

"Can I borrow your towel?"

"My car just hit a water buffalo."

"It's, uh..."

"All ball bearings nowadays."

- Yeah. - Man, it's a classic.

Yeah, it is. That is such a classic.

I'm sorry I was being a tool.

You kinda like... Broke up with me.

I don't know.

I was being really girly or whatever, but...

I'm over it.

Dude, it's all good, you know?

Well, I was gonna go down to Sal's.

They got like seven games playing.

I was just gonna go get a pizza or something

if, uh, you want. My treat.

Hey, you don't have to pay for it.

We can...

Put it on the underhill's.

All right, cool. I'm gonna go get a sweater.

What was that? Why didn't you say

any of the stuff we just talked about?

We did.

Thanks, man.

I'm in on the joke now.

Hey, uh...

Thanks, you know?

Oh, he's your best friend.

Nah, nah. You're my best friend.

So Mark didn't text you back?

He probably just can't find his cell phone.

What did I do?

I mean, Alex comes back,

and I all of a sudden don't exist.

Just let it out.

We had so much fun together.

I mean...

He thought I was so funny.

You are too good for him. You deserve better.

Mark did you a favor.

I mean, ball Avenue...

Doesn't that mean anything anymore?

Ha. They're at Lou Malnati's.

I'm just gonna swing by.

But... but honey...

No.

You just have to let him go.

Boys need their girl time.

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