Original subtitles

(GO! PLAYING)

♪ I've gotta go

♪ And find another direction

♪ I've gotta go

♪ I wanna get your attention

♪ I am so sorry that it went this way

♪ I just can't hold on anymore

♪ The feeling's gone I must move on

♪ There's nothing left worth fighting for

♪ I can't love you

♪ Anymore

♪ Anymore

♪ Go

♪ Find what you're looking for

♪ Go

♪ You romanced me that's for sure

♪ I've gotta go

♪ Find another direction

♪ I've gotta go

♪ I wanna get your attention

♪ For once

♪ I've never been in love before

♪ But this is where it has to end

♪ I just can't love you anymore

♪ Don't even want you as a friend

♪ I can't love you

♪ Anymore

♪ Anymore

♪ Go

♪ Find what you're looking for

♪ Go

♪ You romanced me that's for sure

♪ I've gotta go

♪ Find another direction

♪ I've gotta go

♪ I wanna get your attention

♪ For once

♪ It all started in another dimension

♪ You may have took my rep You didn't take my dedication

♪ They say that love is blind

♪ They say that love is blind

-Hey, Maggie. -Hey, Ryan.

♪ They say that love is blind

♪ I've never been the leaving kind

-Hey, what'd you do last night? -You know, the usual...

Had the driver take me shopping, hit up a couple of clubs.

Then after that, I wound up at some after-hours

talking fashion with the Beastie Boys. You?

I picked up Ashley Grant in the Ferrari,

-had dinner at one of my restaurants. -Mmm-hmm.

Reluctantly made an appearance at some V.I.P. awards show party.

-You know, same old thing. -(CHUCKLING) Right.

Watched TV and made a mix tape.

-Played the accordion. -(LAUGHS)

♪ I've gotta go

♪ I wanna get your attention

♪ For once

-♪ I've gotta go -♪ I can't love you

-♪ Find another direction -♪ Anymore

♪ Anymore

-♪ I've gotta go -♪ I can't love you

-♪ I wanna get your attention -♪ Anymore

♪ Anymore

-♪ I've gotta go -♪ I can't love you

♪ Anymore ♪

Thanks, Dad.

MAGGIE: So, Ryan, I'm only saying this because we're friends,

-but you need to get over this Ashley Grant thing. -Because?

Because you've been into her forever, and it's just not healthy.

-You're like obsessed or something. -(LAUGHS) so?

So, Ryan, every guy in school likes her.

You'd get crushed.

Hmm. Here comes the steamroller now.

GIRL: Hi, Ashley.

-Whoa. -Oh, hi!

Yo, baby. Yeah.

-Hey, Ashley. -Yeah.

-GIRL: There she is. -(GIRLS LAUGHING)

GIRL: Hey, Ashley.

Whoa! (GROANS)

GIRL: Did you see that?

-Are you okay? -(GROANS)

SKATEBOARDER: Ashley Grant wants me.

Hey.

-Hey, Floyd. -You know what? I'm gonna miss this place.

I'm gonna miss this place. The games, the parties,

all these lovely women diggin' me.

All but one of them.

CHRIS: Maggie Carter.

Breaks my heart. But I still got four weeks.

HARRIS: Come on, man. How many times you gonna ask her out?

STU: And be completely shut down?

Yeah, but this time I got a plan.

Oh! Sorry about... Your mouth.

(LAUGHS) Well, that's the first complaint I've had about it so far.

-(GROANS) -FLOYD: "Sorry about your mouth."

What the hell is wrong with me?

You suck with women, especially fine ones like Ashley Grant.

-Way to go, champ. -Thanks.

(CHUCKLES)

MAGGIE: Relax, Ryan. It could be worse.

Oh, really?

Ah, speaking of, your mom's on stage in her nurse's outfit.

-Hi. -Hi, Mrs. Woodman.

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

MRS. WOODMAN: Attention, everyone.

Could you please take your seats?

Everybody find your seats. Quickly, please.

We have a very exciting lecture today,

-and I'm sure you won't want to miss it. -Watch this.

You're gonna get dissed.

-Excuse me. Excuse me. -Excuse me.

Oh, gotta pay the toll.

You want me to kick you in the face?

That depends. Would you be naked?

(PALS CHUCKLING)

School's almost out, and you're still saying no to me, Carter.

Say it isn't so.

Really, man. The master has lost his touch.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Katie Woodman, school nurse,

and since summer's approaching,

I thought I'd talk to you a little bit about safe sex.

(STUDENTS MURMURING)

As you know, the safest route is abstinence.

(STUDENTS BOOING)

But if you're going to be sexually active,

there's a few things that you need to know.

Okay?

MRS. WOODMAN: Where is it?

All right.

-FLOYD: Speaking of "wood", man. Yeah! -(STUDENTS CHEERING)

-That from mommy's personal collection? -Shut up.

MRS. WOODMAN: For those of you who may not know, this is the penis.

Okay, um, this is the male sexual organ...

Come to my house after school.

You want to? I'm having some friends over. It will be fun.

MRS. WOODMAN: The penis also carries urinary responsibility...

I can't. I got plans.

MRS. WOODMAN: ...and that means that this goes hand in hand with...

The latex condom.

-(CHEERING) -Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, man.

MRS. WOODMAN: To be effective, it needs to be pulled down all the way.

RYAN: God, that was like a bad dream.

Well, every man needs a dream,

and mine is to become the next Virgil Doolittle.

You know what he got expelled for?

-Yeah, he stole Gilmore's neck. -That's right.

Cooper Gilmore has no neck all because of Virgil Doolittle.

-He got arrested. -And was charged with mayhem.

Mayhem! How cool is that? The man's a legend.

-The man went to prison, Floyd. -Allegedly.

And besides, who cares? It's been 21 years, and Doolittle lives on.

You know, a recent survey showed that most women do prefer a man of danger.

-What's up, Cosmo? -How's it going? Cool.

(PLAYING ACCORDIAN)

(CONTINUES PLAYING ACCORDIAN)

(STOPS PLAYING ACCORDIAN)

-Hey. What's up? -(SIGHS)

Do you think accordion players have groupies? I mean, really good ones.

Why do you ask?

It's three weeks to prom.

Oh, that's right.

I don't know, I think it might be nice to go.

You know, and, I figured, who better to go with than my lifelong neighbor,

best buddy and partner in crime?

-No prospects, huh? -Have you seen me with any lately?

(LAUGHS)

-You gonna make me beg? -Yeah, maybe a little.

Oh, well, guess you'll have to go stag with Floyd and the boys.

-No, you got yourself a date. -Thanks, Ryan.

I should be thanking you.

Good night.

-Good night. -(PLAYS LULLABY)

COACH: One out now. Here we go!

I hear you're going to prom with Maggie. Are you?

-(BALL HITS BACKSTOP) -(GASPS)

-Where'd you hear that? -COACH: Stand up there, Betty Boop.

It's all over school.

(GASPS)

Maggie told me. You excited?

COACH: Woodman my ass. You got no lumber.

You're stickless. You got no stick.

-Floyd, it's Maggie. -Maggie's fine.

Dig in now here. Closer.

Look, I know everything there is to know about Maggie.

-COACH: Closer. -It would be like kissing my sister.

Which isn't a terrible thing in some parts of the world.

-Walk it off. -(RYAN COLLAPSES)

Hey.

How many fingers?

-Eleventy-seven? -Close enough.

COACH: Serrin, come on, you're next. Let's go.

-Are you okay? -Yeah. (GROANS)

-The coach hit you. -Asshole.

-SERRIN: Ow! -Let's get out of here.

COACH: Walk it off.

FLOYD: I got a surprise for you, buddy.

-Where the hell we going? -Right on time for the floor show.

-Can we come in? -It's 20 bucks.

-You said $10. -In five seconds, it goes up to $30.

(SIGHS) God!

Come on, let's go.

-For one. -What?

-What? -Go! You owe me!

I want instant recall!

Rent-a-cop!

-Excuse me, sir. -Come on, let's move.

Sir, I don't know where we're going.

It should be empty now. You got two minutes. You go right into the cage.

You get busted, you do not know me.

Go on in. You don't have all day. Move.

Go!

(SHOWERS RUNNING)

(DOOR LOCKS)

(GIRLS CHATTING)

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

GIRL: Can I borrow your brush?

-GIRL: Yeah. Here it is. -GIRL 2: Oh, great, thanks.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

P.E. TEACHER: Five minutes!

(DOOR CLOSES)

Did you get a good look?

Hey, hold up. Wish I could, my brother, but, uh...

You know how it is, right?

Maybe we can hang out sometime, troll for some skank or...

-Skank for some troll or something? -What?

What's up with Maggie Carter?

Hey, yeah, man, what's up with that little sassy?

Why do you ask?

-Maybe I'm interested. -In Maggie Carter?

Trust me, I've known her my whole life. She's not your type.

Well, actually, Grant's not yours either, but I could hook you up.

Homestyle's got the hookup.

Who says I'm into Ashley Grant?

Oh, come on.

I've seen you checking her out all year.

Just thought I could help you out.

All right, what's the catch?

Why does there got to be a catch?

Well, I don't know. Maybe because you haven't said dick to me in four years,

and suddenly you're trying to help me out.

You're right. I don't know you. You don't know me.

But prom's coming up. I'm into Maggie, you're into Ashley.

She ever mention me?

No.

Bitch.

So what makes you think I have a chance in hell with her then?

You don't, but Ashley's my cousin, and I can help you.

-Same goes for me with Maggie. -I don't know.

Why Maggie? You could date any girl in this school.

But Maggie's special. I can tell.

What do you say? You be me, and I'll be you.

ASHLEY: Chris.

I need to talk to you.

Deal.

Deal.

Do you know what this means?

I mean, you're validating our entire species here.

I'm serious. This is like Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.

-Floyd... -Quasimodo and the Notre Dame chick.

-Tommy Lee and... -Everybody.

Yeah! Of course, he's somewhat gifted.

Studies show that 84% of all women polled,

prefer technique to physical size.

Don't tell me you can't grasp the greatness of this.

You compared me to the hunchback.

Next to Ashley Grant, you kind of are.

I'd like to hunch her back!

CHRIS: Ashley's gonna love this.

-RYAN: I can't send her that. -(HITS ENTER KEY)

-You just did. -No. She's gonna hate me, man.

-Hey, exactly. -I sent Maggie poetry from you.

Listen, every guy in school wants to say something nice to Ashley Grant.

Big deal. You gotta stand out, be different.

-Yeah, but, "your hair looks butch?" -Yeah.

Look, it will work.

Hey, Ryan, your mom's heading this way.

Cosmo, get your hand off the frickin' dick.

Don't worry, man. GIRL: Hey, Chris.

-Hey, girls. -Who are your friends?

Uh, you know Brian?

-Uh, that's Ryan. -Yeah, I think so.

-You're new, right? -No, I've been around.

Oh, right. Yeah, I've seen you.

-COSMO: Whoa! -(YELLING)

(GIRL SCREAMS)

-Where you been, C-man? -With Brian.

That's Ryan. That's me.

-Do you know about the party? -CHRIS: That's right.

Ashley Grant's, 9:00. Be there.

-Stop it. Bye, Brian. -Bye. Bye.

-Bye, Brian. -Bye, Brian.

Bye, Brian.

Hey, bring someone, huh?

Hey, good hanging with you guys.

-CHRIS: Hey, wait up. -Good going, Brian.

-I gotta go find Maggie. -Sweet!

We got ourselves an occasion.

(SIGHS) The things I do for you.

You realize we're gonna be the biggest idiots in there.

FLOYD: We're here! Thanks, Dad!

DAD: See you, Floyd!

-No, we won't. -(SHRIEKING)

Excuse my tardiness. I had to kill a man.

Cosmo, what the hell are you wearing?

Floyd said to dress up.

(SCOFFS)

-I look good, right? -Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

(WHOOPING)

Yeah!

-Hey, Uncle Floyd's in the house! -Whoo-hoo!

FLOYD: We're in.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Smells like teen spirit, huh?

Drinks! (WHOOPS)

COSMO: Yeah, yeah.

MAGGIE: Is this what you had in mind?

Yes. (LAUGHS)

Darn. That's what I was gonna wear.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Care to dance?

(MUFFLED RESPONSE)

Go ahead.

That's okay.

Why not?

He's gotta take a shit.

(FLOYD LAUGHING)

Ashley, you see Ashley, I have... Ashley, I don't know...

Do you know what?

What's he all dressed up for?

Uh, his mom died.

Earlier today.

Ladies, sit tight.

(WHOOPING)

Oh, yeah!

(FLOYD WHOOPING)

GIRL: So she says, "True or False?"

And I said, "Hello, news flash.

"If you have to ask, false."

-She's such a liar. -(GASPS) So the liar.

GIRL: And then she said, "I can't believe you're acting like this."

And I said, "I can't believe you're dressing like this."

-Marnie, is that my dress? -No.

She knows you're here, she wants to talk.

It's all good. I'm on this.

MARNIE: Sloane got drunk and made out with that hairy guy.

SLOANE: You're lying!

MARNIE: You know you made out with him.

Oh, okay, whatever, Marnie, all right.

Ashley? Hi.

-Did you get my e-mail? -(GASPS) oh, my god, was that you?

-Yeah. -(GASPS)

(GASPS) Oh.

-Hey. -Hey.

Did you get my words?

Poetry.

-I didn't know you had it in you. -A little surprise.

You liked it, huh?

-I mean... -Pretty freaky stuff. Get you hot?

What?

-Oh, man, that was whack. -Jesus.

Hey, Chris.

Thanks for your help.

Yeah, like Carter really liked your crap. You see what just happened?

-People saw that. -Well, damn, man, you're too cocky.

-What? -I saw you groping her.

Look, it doesn't matter what I write, Maggie's not gonna go for that.

She volunteers at a nursing home, for god's sake.

-Ew, why? -You see, that's what I'm talking about.

Well, Grant isn't exactly all hot for you either, okay?

Oh, see, that's great. You know the idea was "Ryan impresses Ashley,"

not "Ryan depresses Ashley."

FLOYD: "Ryan gets pickle in Ashley,"

not "Ashley gets Ryan in pickle."

Look, man, chicks dig assholes. Okay?

I mean, check out Stu and Harris.

-(FIRECRACKERS EXPLODING) -(GIRLS SCREAMING)

They're both gonna get laid tonight.

-(FIRECRACKERS CONTINUE) -(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Come on, I'll show you. Let's find Ashley.

(BICKERING)

Remember in grade school when you always picked on the girl you liked?

It's kind of like that.

Some girls are just insecure.

You're saying Ashley Grant is insecure?

Oh, she's the head cheerleader of insecurity.

And if I treat her bad, she'll go for it?

Absolutely.

Come on, that doesn't make any sense.

You've dated how many of these girls?

That's what I thought.

Now check out Grant.

-GUY: Ashley. -Hi.

Simple question. Do you want her or not?

-Well, yeah, but... -Okay.

(SCREAMS)

There you go. Now you're in the game.

(GASPS) you asshole!

(GUY CHUCKLING)

(GASPS)

Whoo! I got something for you!

-(LAUGHING) -(SCREAMING)

-(FIRECRACKERS EXPLODING) -(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Oh, forget it. I'm out of here.

-(SCREAMING) -(FIRECRACKER EXPLODES)

How could you have done this? This was cashmere!

How could you do that?

-Because I'm an asshole? -(SNARLNG)

Move, jerk!

Asshole!

What are you doing, man? Those chicks were digging us!

-Him. Yeah, that loser. -Him.

-Kick his ass. -Want to see the rest of the house?

This isn't working.

Sure, it is.

Grant asked me 20 times if I thought the e-mail guy was right about her hair.

Look, even if everything you said is true, I don't want to be mean to her.

Right, seeing as how she's so sweet to you.

Listen, you know what Ashley said to me today?

She's looking for something special.

And I can get you there. You can be that guy for her.

You just have to help me be that guy for Maggie.

(DOOR OPENING)

(SIGHS) I thought I was being abducted.

Hey, how come you bagged on the party?

Well, you know, I had better things to do. Like sleep.

-You should try it. -(LAUGHS)

So I talked to Chris Campbell.

Um, I bet that was educational.

Actually, it was. He's not that bad once you get past the jock stuff.

He asked about you.

Yeah, I got some goofy e-mail from him.

You didn't like it? I mean, uh... Did you write him back?

-Be serious. -Why not?

You haven't been on a date in like forever.

You think I enjoy asking you to prom?

Hanging out with you and the guys every weekend?

I thought you liked hanging out with us.

Yeah, some weekends. Okay, some.

Okay, then e-mail him. Why not send him the famous Maggie Carter soul quiz?

-Right, that would be good for a laugh. -Maybe.

-Night. -But maybe he'll ace it.

And then you won't have to spend another miserable weekend with me.

You know what I meant.

Yeah, I know.

-Good morning. -What's up?

-You guys get dressed in the dark? -It's mismatch day.

Oh, so maybe I should go home and change.

(CHUCKLES) You and Ashley Grant, I think that's your mismatch, buddy.

Opposites do attract.

-Thanks, Cosmo. -Probably not that opposite.

(FLOYD LAUGHS)

Hey, hey, Brian, Carter sent me like this midterm, you know?

-Questions. -I know. It's a soul quiz.

It's movies, books, music. If you pass that, you're a new man.

-Famous. -Of course, there is one small hitch.

I mean, you do realize Ashley Grant hates me.

P.E. TEACHER: Clear the pool!

Man, she doesn't hate you. She's confused by you.

She's trying to act like she doesn't care,

but, believe me, Brian, she cares more than you think.

She just can't figure you out. It's driving her nuts.

You're this "new guy" Brian, who's not into her for some reason.

But I'm not Brian.

-Hey, Brian. -Hi, Brian.

Hi.

There they are!

-Step off. What a doofus. -(GIRLS LAUGHING)

You're hot. What's up, dudes?

Who's the gerbil?

I'm Floyd. You know, Ryan's friend.

The chicks want me. See you.

CHRIS: Come on. You got a soul quiz to take.

(TYPING)

Do you want to see what I'm writing?

No, man, just make me look good, huh?

Not too cocky.

(CHRIS EXHALES)

(GRUNTING)

(CHRIS COUNTING IN SPANISH)

Is everything okay?

The last book he read was Nine Stories.

-Salinger. Wow. -It gets worse.

The Beastie Boys, the Eels and old Cheap Trick.

He aced it.

Movies?

Stripes, Casablanca and anything by Monty Python.

-Well, that's great. -No, it's not.

It's horrible. (SCOFFS) Chris Campbell.

Maggie, it's not that bad.

"Not that bad"? Man, he's gorgeous. What am I gonna do?

-You mean after tonight's double date? -Not a chance.

Why not?

Because as far as I can see,

there is nothing special about this person.

-Well, that's what he said about you. -(GASPS) He did not.

I'm serious. He said those things.

He really likes you, okay?

It's just one date. Trust me.

Trust me.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

When any chick goes on a talk show

with her fiance and has a deep, dark secret,

has it ever been anything other than "I'm really a man"?

I mean seriously, I mean your fiance invites you on TV to tell you something,

-she's packing sausage. -Come on, man. I gotta get ready.

I know. Listen, that's why I'm calling.

Uh, be careful tonight.

Maybe pat her down before you get in the car,

-you know just to be sure. -(PHONE BEEPS)

All right, hold on, I've got another call.

-So what? Let it go. -It might be Chris.

-FLOYD: Inbreed! -Hello?

I'm sorry, Ryan. I can't do this.

-(SIGHS) I'm calling Chris. -What?

-Maggie, you have to. -It just doesn't feel right.

What doesn't feel right? He passed the soul quiz.

-Ryan... Maggie, I need your help.

No, you don't. You're gonna be fine.

Sorry. (HANGS UP)

(DIAL TONE)

(PHONE RINGING)

-Yeah? -What kind of mongrel leaves a guy on call-waiting?

Floyd, I can't, I gotta go.

(SIGHS)

Oh, hey, Cosmo says to check for an Adam's apple, all right?

(PHONE RINGING)

-Talk. -Hey, Chris?

-That's me. -Hey, it's Maggie.

-Hey, Maggie. -Um, listen, I'm calling you about tonight.

(DIALING PHONE)

Yeah, yeah... Can you hold on one second?

-Yeah. -Okay.

-(BUTTONS BEEPING) -Talk.

Maggie's gonna call you. Don't answer.

-I already did. -Shit. She wants to cancel the date.

(SIGHS) The soul quiz?

She liked all that stuff, okay. I don't know what happened.

-You know maybe she's nervous. -Nervous stomach?

-Yeah. -Yeah, probably the pill.

All right, put me on hold, and I'll try to talk you through this.

But you're gonna have to keep coming back to me, okay?

Let's start with, "I was really looking forward to seeing you tonight.

"We seem to have a lot in common." Yadda-yadda.

No, I don't think "bitch, we had plans" will work.

-Hold on. -(BUTTONS BEEPING)

-Maggie? -(DIALING)

-CHRIS: Uh, sorry about the wait. -It's cool.

-So... -(PHONE BEEPS)

Great. Now that's my other line. Can you hold on a second?

-What happened? -Oh, my god! Your mom fell down the stairs!

-What? -Mrs. Carter, are you okay?

(GROANS) Hey, Chris, can I call you back?

(DIALING PHONE QUICKLY)

-(SIGHS) -(PHONE RINGS)

-Talk. -RYAN: Okay, I just bought us a few seconds.

Dude, you let her go. She's not going.

She is going. Tell her you need to talk to a friend tonight.

-Why? -You're depressed. Your grades suck.

(SNAPS FINGERS) Your father's on crack.

-My dad played pro football. -Perfect!

All right, you're getting your ass kicked for that.

MAGGIE: I don't know what your problem is, Ryan.

Okay, she's back.

-(DIALING) -Now, don't screw this up.

-(PHONE RINGING) -Hold on.

-(BUTTON BEEPS) -Hello.

-Sorry. -MAGGIE: Sorry.

Hello? Chris? Chris, are you there?

I...

(IMMITATING CHRIS) Yeah, I'm here.

Baby.

Are you okay? 'Cause you sound kind of different.

Yeah, well, um...

Oh, yeah, see, um...

The, uh, battery's running low on my wireless, so I have to put you on speaker.

-Can you hang on? -Okay.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Just a second.

RYAN: Okay.

(VOCAL PITCH LOWERING) Sorry about that. Can you hear me now?

Yeah, sort of. Listen, I hope you're not sick.

Well, you know, I'm sick about this not happening.

I mean, I know I'm a jock.

I'm brainless, conceited, in love with myself.

At least, that's how you must see me.

But, uh, let me tell you how I see you.

The you I see has a big heart.

She's smart, fun to hang around with, and doesn't take my shit.

And I like that.

I like that you look nervous sometimes for no reason.

And when you do, you bite your lip.

I like that you probably rifled through your closet tonight

and settled with what you started out with.

I like your smile.

You know, I don't usually talk this way, but, uh...

I think being with you wouldn't be irrelevant.

You know what I'm saying?

Or maybe I should just stop with all this weak shit.

No, it's nice.

Oh, all right.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So let's do this, huh? You know, no pressure.

We'll go hang out, the four of us, get to know each other.

-We could talk, maybe... -Swap some spit.

-Okay. -Famous!

-What? -I said, uh, thank you.

(ENDS CALL)

(SIGHS)

Whoo!

(PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, yeah.

♪ Hey, do it

♪ Once I was a boogie singer

♪ Playing in a rock and roll band ♪

(PLAYS ALONG ON ACCORDION)

♪ Yeah, there was dancin' and singin'

♪ And movin' to the groovin'

♪ And just when it hit me

♪ Somebody turned around and shouted

♪ Play that funky music white boy

♪ Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die

♪ Till you die

♪ Hell yeah ♪

(RIDERS SCREAMING)

(CLAMORING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

So, uh...

You thirsty?

Yeah, sure.

Great. Um, why don't you get me one too, huh?

(CHUCKLES) Hey, good one! That's funny. That's... No, we'll get it. Okay, Ashley?

-Uh, okay. -Let's go.

Jesus, I'm dying over there.

Rejection, man. You gotta piss her off.

-Tell her, her breath is rank. -No, I'm not telling her that.

Whatever, man. I'm telling Carter she needs a tit job.

I'm just pulling your dick. What do you want me to say?

Why don't you just be the strong, silent type?

If you decide to talk to her, be nice, all right?

Tell her she looks nice. Tell her you like her outfit.

Okay. You should probably tell Grant her ass looks big in those jeans.

Uh, you look nice. I like your clothes.

-Thanks. -You want some?

Oh, my god, you guys, there's that octopus thing. Come on, Marge, there's no line.

-Whoa. Sorry, cream puff. No beverages. -What?

Oh, that's okay. I'll just wait and hold it.

-(GULPING) -(LAUGHING)

-(THROWS DOWN CUP) -Whew! Let's go.

All right, tickets.

Have a nice ride.

Hey, midget man.

Munchkin guy, make it go fast, all right?

-MAN: Okay. -(SHOUTS)

(ASHLEY WHOOPING)

(WHOOPING) Yeah!

(WHOOPING CONTINUES)

(SHOUTING)

(LAUGHING)

Having a good time?

-(GASPING) Yeah. -Whoo!

(SHOUTING) Whoo-hoo!

This is kind of fun.

(SCREAMING)

(RYAN LAUGHING)

-(GAGGING) -RYAN: Yeah!

-(WHOOPING) -(ASHLEY VOMITS)

(ASHLEY GROANING)

(CHUCKLES) Oops.

Sorry. Yuck!

(CHUCKLING)

-Hi. -Hey.

-(SIGHS) -Hey.

-Did you throw up? -No, not exactly.

-(CHUCKLING) -ASHLEY: Sorry, Bri. (GASPS) Lets go.

-(CLEARS THROAT) -Hey, man, can I borrow your shirt?

No way, man. I'll get cold.

Hey, girls, wait up.

(RIDERS SCREAMING)

What do I gotta do to win a T-shirt?

You break it, you rake it.

Look, could you help me out, pal? I got puke all over my shirt.

(LAUGHING) So?

-(BELL RINGING) -(CHEERING)

Yeah!

Let's go, kids! Who saw it?

-Who saw it? -(CHEERING)

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

-He gave you his shirt? -(GROANS)

A Ferris wheel. Let's go.

What, man? She was cold.

-God. -Hey, wait up, girls.

-(GIRLS GIGGLING) -Cute shirt.

Ah, thank you.

Madge, who do you hang out with at Gilmore? Because I never see you around.

-Mostly just Ryan. -Ryan?

-Yeah. Ryan. -See, that's me.

See, uh, Ryan's my last name.

Wait, wait. Your name is Brian Ryan?

Uh, cruel parents.

(COMPUTER WHIRRING)

I've told you a million times. You've got to get a faster modem.

ASHLEY: So, um, you know, you were right, that e-mail you sent me.

-My hair looks terrible. -No, no, your hair doesn't look terrible.

But it hides your eyes.

You have really amazing eyes.

Really pretty... Wandering...

Besides, compared to your jeans, your hair is a work of art.

So it's really great that you like the Eels.

I mean, other than Ryan, I really don't know anyone else who likes them.

-Uh-huh. -The Eels?

Oh, yeah, yeah, uh...

They're...

Electric.

(LAUGHS)

I can't believe you don't like these jeans. They were really expensive.

-Even worse. -Shut up!

-It's the rhinestones, isn't it? -For starters.

-Who else do you like? -Well, I like you.

Mommy, can I have some cotton...

(GROANS)

Anything else you don't like about me?

-I could do without those shoes. -What is wrong with my shoes?

-They're monstrous, bigfoot. -(GASPS) Shut up.

I like that shirt.

(WILL I FIND YOU PLAYING ON STEREO)

-♪ Will I find you -♪ Will I find you

♪ Hanging on the edge of the crowd ♪

Sloane, you did not. (GASPS) Oh, my god.

-Later, Chris. -See you, Brian.

-I gotta go. -Bri.

Well, thanks.

-Bye. -Bye.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

-(ENGINE STARTING) -(RADIO BLARING)

Good night.

The things I do for you.

-What, you didn't like him? -I don't know.

-What's the problem? -I'm just not sure he has any heart.

Okay, it's a beautiful spring day outside.

Most of you are graduating soon,

you've got your entire lives ahead of you, so let's talk about death.

TEACHER: We all know lung cancer's a serious killer in this country,

-What? -TEACHER: as is AIDS, leukemia and diabetes.

-How'd I do last night? -TEACHER: But who can tell us what is...

-Okay, I guess, but she says you don't have enough heart. -"Heart?"

Thank you, Mr. Campbell.

Heart disease is the correct answer.

-Oh. -Nice.

-Last year alone... -(SCHOOLBELL RINGING)

TEACHER: Okay, make sure you finish chapter 14.

I guess it could be worse. Grant doesn't think you have any stones.

-What? She said that? -Yeah.

But you're gonna play football with me and some of the guys today.

-She'll be there? -Yeah. She loves it.

We'll make you look great.

Hey, man, is Ashley okay?

She's a little different than I expected.

What, did you go out with your dream girl, and you don't like her?

No, it's not that. It's just...

-Finger suck, good. -Yeah.

Vomit shower, bad.

Oh, she was nervous.

She gets that way when she really, really likes somebody.

-(LAUGHS) -Hey, you gonna play with us today or what?

-Touch football, right? -Of course.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(GIRLS GASP)

(COUGHS)

Get up, man. She's watching.

Okay, time-out. Thought you said this was touch football.

It is. These guys just touch hard.

I am not doing this, okay?

These guys are like some huge government experiment gone wrong.

Come on. Grant's loving it.

-GUYS: Yeah! -(GRUNTING)

(RYAN YELPS)

(GROANING)

(SHUDDERS)

RYAN: (MUFFLED) God.

(RYAN GROANING)

(LAUGHING) Ouch.

CHRIS: Get up, man.

I used to play a little ball back in the day.

Back in what day?

-Ready to end this thing, Brian? -Who the hell is Brian?

Nice. Okay, you snap it to Brian. You follow me.

-Ready? -ALL: break!

Hut!

(GRUNTING)

-FLOYD: Go, baby. Go, baby! -Yeah! Go!

(GRUNTING)

-FLOYD: Go! Go, baby! -(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

-Yeah! -(CHEERING)

Yeah!

(CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

CHRIS: All right, Brian!

-Whoo! -(CHEERING)

Yeah! (GROANS)

Oh!

Oh! Oh! That's cheating!

(RYAN GROANS)

Yeah!

We're here for you, buddy.

Hey, nice game.

Pick me up tomorrow morning at 7:00.

Okay.

Well, I've done my part.

Now let's go get me that heart.

(SIGHS) what are we doing here?

She wants heart.

We'll give her heart. You want her to fall for you, right?

Not like this. I mean these people smell.

(SIGHS)

-This better work. -Trust me, this will work. Okay?

-Hey, what are you doing? -She's not eating it.

Maggie's gonna be here any second.

All right. Wait.

-I give her the speech. -Yeah.

If she digs it, then what?

Then I don't know. Try talking to her.

-Tell her how you feel. -See if she needs a lift home.

-All right, I'll think of something. -Okay.

She's coming. Put that Jell-O down!

Hey, could you maybe...

-(SPLASHING) -God, no. Shh!

Chris?

Hey, you work here too?

Yeah. What are you doing here?

I, uh...

I like to come here from time to time,

uh, to visit with the sickly and old.

You think that's gay?

No, I think it's nice.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

Well, uh, that's what I do.

-Who ate my Jell-O? -Pipe down, you old bag.

-I want my Jell-O. -Fine.

Brian, give me that Jell-O.

MAN: Hey, that's my Jell-O.

Here it comes. Mmm-mmm-mmm.

I think it's sweet that you come here, Chris.

-Mmm-hmm. -Don't you think it's sweet, Miss Simms?

-Just heavenly. -Yeah.

I have to go to the bathroom. Number two.

Okay. You want me to take you to the bathroom?

Uh, no.

-You want Chris to take you to the bathroom? -That would be nice.

-Do you mind? -I was hoping that she'd ask.

(LAUGHS)

Now, don't drop me.

(CLEARS THROAT)

-(GROANING) -(FARTING)

-(CONTINUES FARTING) -(GASPING)

-MISS SIMMS: Oh! -(THUDDING)

-(MISS SIMMS BREATHING HEAVILY) -(SIGHS)

(CHRIS CLEARS THROAT)

Well, I guess this room's in good hands.

-Yeah. -I should get going.

Oh. Okay, uh...

That is a really nice outfit.

(MAN COUGHING) Ride home. Ride home.

-Oh, do you want a ride home? -No, I have some stuff to do at the school theater.

There's a school theater? Since when?

I mean, uh... That's cool. I don't mind.

-Okay. -Yeah.

-I'll meet you downstairs in like 15 minutes? -15 minutes.

-Okay. -Okay.

The theater. That's perfect.

Yeah, right. Look, nobody better see me there.

So, are you in a play or something?

Me? No. I'm not much of a thespian.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, well, I hope not, I mean...

I'd really be wasting my time if you're only into chicks.

(LAUGHS)

So, um, do you like plays?

Oh, yeah. Uh, we got this one,

it's a Power 41 Q.B. Follow. I fake it off to the halfback.

-Then I crush skulls up the middle. -I meant...

-Stage plays. -Yeah.

-I was just joking. -(LAUGHS)

(WHISPERING) Man, where have you been? I'm dying over here.

-Will you help me out? -Shh.

-MAGGIE: Hey, Chris. -Yeah?

-Let me ask you something. -Okay.

Why are you so interested in me?

I mean, we don't really make sense as a couple, do we?

Well, uh... Yeah, well, uh...

(WHISPERING) Sometimes the best things in life don't make sense.

Sometimes the best things in life don't make sense.

Like rainbows.

Like, uh, rainbows.

And flowers that bloom in winter.

Flowers blooming in the winter.

Besides, I think you could help me to be a better person.

CHRIS: Besides, uh, uh...

Uh... I mean, um...

I think you could help me be a better person, you know?

How do you mean?

Well, uh...

-Um... -Like be grateful for what I have.

Like be thankful for what I have.

-Show some gratitude. -Show 'em some attitude!

Gratitude. (SOUNDS OUT "G" SOUND)

Gratitude. (SOUNDS OUT "G" SOUND)

-Wow, she's really beautiful. -You're really beautiful.

What'd you say?

Did you say that I look beautiful?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, just like a little flower.

Mmm.

Hasn't anyone ever told you you're beautiful?

Hasn't anyone ever told you that you're beautiful?

In a very different way than anyone else.

In a very different way than anyone else.

You know, I should be pissed at you.

-You should be pissed at me? -For making me fall for Chris.

He's great.

I mean, he tries to put on this big jerky act.

Then he has these amazing moments.

-So he's okay? -Yeah, he's okay.

You know, I can remember summer nights when I was younger,

just lying in bed and listening to your father play the accordion for your mom.

(PLAYING ACCORDION)

Melt with you. It was her favorite.

(CONTINUES PLAYING)

I can remember feeling so safe and happy listening to that song.

Just wondering if one day someone would be that good to me.

You know, he used to say he played every note just for her.

This feels so strange.

You know, me and Chris...

You and Ashley.

It's almost like somebody messed with fate. (LAUGHS)

I'm gonna call it a night.

Hey, Ryan.

He'd be proud of you, you know.

Your father.

Yeah.

FLOYD: You guys want to check out my prom date finalists?

Taylor and Cinnamon.

-Whoa. -Hookers?

Escorts. Their people tell me they're interested.

-You talked to their pimp? -We prefer "broker."

Floyd, you can't bring hookers to the prom.

-No way, dude. -I guess not.

-Bet you Virgil Doolittle went stag anyways. -I'm sure he did.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I just had my legs waxed.

Oh, and look. It's new.

Do you like it? 'Cause I can take it out.

It works.

-(GASPS) -(TIRES SCREECHING)

Sorry.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Look at those freaks. They're staring at me.

-What? -Go!

FLOYD: Hey!

-Drive, Brian. Please? -Fine.

-(ENGINE SPUTTERING) -(TIRES SREECHING)

FLOYD: What the hell was that?

COSMO: Maybe he didn't see us.

-Ryan. -Hey, Ryan.

GIRL: Hey, Ashley.

-GIRL: They look good together, huh? -GIRL 2: You think?

I'm really excited about tonight.

Wow, three more of those and you walk today. Kind of like me this morning.

Scared of the ball, Miss?

-I'm sorry, man. But you know how it is. -Yeah, I guess so.

Get back in the box, you girl!

When you quest for greatness, victims happen.

COACH: Here we go.

-(BALL HITS BACKSTOP) -Get up, you wuss!

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

-So, uh, what are we gonna do tonight, huh? -Dude, let's go bowling.

Yeah.

-Hey, guys. -GUY: What up? New school?

-What's up, ladies? -Hi, everybody.

Bri, you kickin' with these geeks?

Why do you gotta call them geeks, man?

Hey, is anyone doing anything tonight? Because I'm free.

-(ALL LAUGHING) -Ashley, come on.

Brian, I saw them waving at you this morning. Please.

-These guys? -These guys!

No way.

Ah, you're with them right now there, guy.

Yeah, "with", but we're all "with" everyone, right?

HARRIS: So, uh, anyway...

Stu, like I'm saying, this game this week doesn't look that tough.

ASHLEY: So, Sloane, I thought maybe we could go shopping.

I'm looking for something short.

All right, look, you guys said it, they're geeks.

Actually, geeks doesn't even do it.

Give me a letter of the alphabet, Chris.

"J."

Okay. Jerks, jokes, jackasses.

-Try "P." -Punks, pissants.

-Peckerheads. -"F."

-No, this is not... -MARNIE: Freaks.

-Fools. -Fungus?

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

"D." Dipshits.

-GIRL: Douchebags. -Defectives.

-Dickheads! -(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Oh, my god. He did not just say that.

No way.

So, um, I'll see you tonight then. Hmm?

Floyd, wait up. I'm sorry, okay?

-But I'm this close to getting her. -That's great.

-Floyd... -No, listen, you crossed the line this time.

I'm not kidding.

Ryan, I know that you're really into Ashley, but...

Maybe at some point it's just not worth it.

(CHATTERING)

-WAITER: Ready? -(GROANS)

-(GASPING) -Yes, um, is the sea bass smelly?

-It's a fish. -(GROANING)

Hmm, no. You know what I'll have? I will have a house salad

with Italian vinaigrette on the side and I'd like a bottle of water,

only if it comes in one of those pretty blue bottles though, okay?

If not, I'll have a Pellegrino. If so, not in the bottle. Thanks.

-And for you, sir? -(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Some ice.

-Crushed? -Definitely.

-Oh... -That's okay.

Here, here. Let mama rub it.

(CHATTERING)

Good party, huh, Maggie?

Check it out! Whoo! Full moon tonight!

-(LAUGHING) -Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

(ALL LAUGHING)

SLOANE: Get used to it, girl.

Sloane, that outfit is... Great.

(GIGGLING) I like it too.

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

RYAN: Anyone else home?

Nope, just us.

Any idea what we could do?

I bought some new underwear today.

I thought, maybe, I could model them for you.

They're mostly thongs.

Right.

-I'm gonna take a quick shower, okay? -Yeah, sure, I'll...

I'll just wait.

Maybe you could join me.

-(GASPING) -(THUDDING)

(WATER RUNNING)

-(SCREAMS) -(SCREAMS)

Oh, my god! Get out of here! What did you see?

Nothing! You said I could join you.

-I wasn't serious! Get out! -Okay!

Now then, where were we?

Damn! What happened to your feet?

It's just a rash.

INGRID BERGMAN (IN FILM): It's a crazy world. Anything can happen.

If you shouldn't get away...

I mean, if... If something should keep us apart,

wherever they put you and wherever I'll be, I want you to know it.

Kiss me.

Kiss me as if it were the last time.

So, I wonder if Maggie and Chris have done it yet.

Could we not talk about her?

Oh, well, if they haven't, they will.

-(UNWRAPPING CONDOM) -And then Chris will dump her like all the others.

You know, we could do this some other time.

Maybe when you're more up to it.

Casablanca. It works.

-Guys, what's up? -Take me there.

-Hey, Chris, you got a second? -Oh, uh, no.

I gotta go meet Carter for some quality time.

Oh. How's she doing?

Well, she's getting there.

What's that supposed to mean?

You did good, Brian, but I got it from here.

Don't worry, Brian. He'll treat her right.

So what do you think?

For the grade school.

-(SIGHS) can I help? -Nah.

So, where's Maggie? I thought you knew each other's every move.

So did I.

Hmm. You want to play with the puppets?

Not a chance.

(SIGHS) You can change your mind.

That's okay. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Ash, can we talk for a second? I got...

-Mmm. (CHUCKLES) -Thank you.

Mmm.

Excuse me.

This cake was terrible.

-You didn't like it? -Oh, it was terrible.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Ashley.

-Do I know you? -We go to school together. I'm Miranda.

(CHUCKLES) Good. Can you get me your manager? Thanks.

Um, I'll just pay for it myself. (CHUCKLES)

Loser. (LAUGHS)

-What makes her a loser? -Nothing. She just is a loser.

-Oh, then what would make her a winner? -Hello? Nothing.

Okay, a tiger can't just change his spots.

All right? I mean, just be glad that you're a winner...

Like me. (LAUGHS)

(LOUDLY) What? What?

She is a fatty, round little waitress, okay?

-Now, you tell me what could make her become a winner? -Okay, I'll tell you how.

-Tell me. -I will.

-Tell me. -I will, if you'd stop your petty, little,

self-important whining for just one second.

You know what? I can't do this anymore.

Is this because of the cake? Because I didn't like the cake?

All right, you know what? I'm sorry, you know what? I loved the cake.

Everyone, everyone, I loved the cake. Could you try the cake, because...

-It's not the cake, Ashley. -Well, then I don't understand what you're so upset about.

I know you don't, and that's the goddamn of it, is that you really don't know.

But then you said so yourself,

"a tiger can't change his spots."

Brian, I'm scared.

Yeah, look, here's $5 for the cake.

$5 to buy a clue. This is over.

Brian. Brian.

-I love you, Brian Ryan! -MAN: "I love you."

So, when's the wedding, anyways?

-Yeah, you picked out your dress yet? -Shit.

You fags be ready come prom night,

for the Chris Campbell nail-and-bail.

(CHUCKLING)

Nice rhyme. Did you make that up all by yourself?

(SCOFFING)

I'll catch you guys later, okay?

-Yeah, all right. -Right on.

So...

So, how does this work anyway? The old nail-and-bail?

Like you don't know? I saw Grant this morning, blubbering like a whale.

-So? -So, you didn't try to sleep with her?

-It wasn't like that. -You see, it is like that.

-No, it isn't, because you never cared about Maggie. -Neither did you.

I cared about her.

Don't look so surprised, partner.

Nail-and-bail has crushed far greater chicks than Carter.

There is not a chance in hell Maggie sleeps with you, okay. She's better than that!

Well, maybe she used to be, but then you stepped in and changed all that.

-Didn't you, Brian? -It is Ryan! It's not Brian!

It doesn't really matter, does it?

COACH: Get in that box now, Sue Ann!

Floyd, have you seen Maggie?

I'm not talking to you, jackhole!

(BALL HITS BACKSTOP)

Well, well, well, what have we got here?

Someone trying out some pants?

Hey, listen, you can be pissed at me if you want to, that's fine.

I deserve it.

(BALL HITS BACKSTOP)

Just tell me if you've seen her.

Not since you scared her off, bird-dogging for sniff.

What is this, some ladies' afternoon tea?

(GROANING)

Walk it off.

(GROANS LOUDER)

What are you guys doing at my house?

-What happened between you and Ashley? -Is there someone else?

Was it the hair on her back?

'Cause she is getting that removed. Uh, that hair.

Isn't there anything that she can do?

Look, short of camping on my lawn and begging profusely, no.

(SIGHS)

I cut out today and bought it.

For prom.

-What do you think? -Yeah? I think it's great.

Yeah.

I mean, it's perfect.

Do you think Chris will like it?

You know...

Are you sure about him?

I mean, are you really sure?

-What are you talking about? -Chris.

I wanted Ashley Grant.

So?

So I told him what to say to you.

The e-mails, the nursing home...

And he helped me out with Ashley.

I'm sorry, Maggie.

I don't believe you.

Look, when you're alone with him, face-to-face,

does he ever say anything clever or funny or even sincere?

-He's shy. -No, he's not shy, Maggie, he's a dumbass.

In the theater, I said you were beautiful. Me!

I meant it...

Because I have feelings for you.

You're really pathetic, do you know that?

-Maggie, I... -No.

I'm sorry if things didn't work out for you, but...

Do you think you could just tear me and Chris down

because Ashley Grant broke up with you?

-Maggie, listen, I... -No, because honestly...

I don't even see that guy you used to be anymore, Ryan.

I see a liar.

(SNIFFLING) Brian.

(ASHLEY CRYING)

If you run your mascara, it's gonna look really bad.

(CONTINUES CRYING)

Would one of you whores please give me a tissue?

-(BOYS LAUGHING) -FLOYD: Oh, you can see her...

COSMO: Oh, it's a twosome.

-FLOYD: Oh, they're gonna get it on. -COSMO: Oh, it's a threesome.

-Threesome, huh? -Hey, did you guys hear the theme for the prom?

-Uh-uh. -Uh-uh.

"Titanic dreams."

What?

Those people died!

True. But they have become legends.

-Yeah. -COSMO: Like your idol, Virgil Doolittle.

ASHLEY: Take me to the prom!

Take me to the prom!

Please, take me to the prom!

Fine, just go home.

Okay. Thank you.

CHRIS: I want everything tonight to be as beautiful as you look.

Dinner, prom, the hotel.

(STU COOING)

-Aww, aren't puppies cute? -(ALL LAUGHING)

Get out of here, man.

So, I wonder where Ash went tonight.

-Is she not going to prom? -She's going with Brian.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, she was crawling on her knees for him.

-(LAUGHING) -MARNIE: Can you blame her though?

-Brian rocks. -CHRIS: Give me a break.

He's a geek. Tell 'em, Maggie.

I heard he plays the accordion.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-To the prom! -To the prom!

(ALL WHOOPING)

FLOYD: Go, go, go, go, go, go.

COSMO: Hey, watch the threads. Ouch.

I can't believe we don't have dates.

-I do. -You've got a date?

Well, you don't know her. She's recently divorced.

-Okay. -Uh-huh.

-What? -Sure, Cosmo.

(HONKING)

Hello?

Where are you?

(HONKING)

(FOX ON THE RUN PLAYING)

♪ Yes, you don't look the same

♪ The way you did before

♪ Hey, you think you got a pretty face

♪ But the rest of you is out of place

♪ You looked all right before ♪

Ashley, um, would you sign my yearbook?

-Twenty bucks. -Cool! I'll go get my purse.

They are so easy. Let's go have our picture taken before she gets back. Come on.

Hey, what's going on, hot stuff? Hey, nice ass, yeah. What's going on?

Hey, ladies, what's going...

Hey, chickie, what's going on?

Nice. And...

-(CAMERA CLICKING) -Thank you. Next couple, please.

-Our turn. -PHOTOGRAPHER: You kids next?

Great.

All right.

-What's up, Cosmo? -Hey, Floyd, good to see you.

-Daddy! -No, no, no. Hold on.

No, that's not daddy. Remember, we talked about it?

That's mommy's date. Okay? All right.

Yeah, Floyd, this is my date.

-I'm Floyd. You have a nice rack. -Well, thank you. (LAUGHS)

PHOTOGRAPHER: Nice. Thank you.

-Hurt yourself? -No, sorry.

Buns of steel, partner. Buns of steel.

Looking good.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

-(MUSIC STOPS) -(STUDENTS PROTESTING)

All right.

(STUDENTS BOOING)

People, listen up!

In a few minutes, we will be announcing the prom king and queen.

(CLAMORING)

Well, I guess there will be no king and queen of the prom this year.

(CHEERING)

I'm gonna go check my makeup.

I'll be right back.

That's great. See if you can find your face in there, okay?

Don't be a shit to your date, Ryan.

(HOLDING BACK THE YEARS PLAYING)

♪ Holding back the years

-Come on, let's dance. -Mom, come on.

Shut up and dance with your mother.

-You know, it's getting late. -You're getting old.

-It's early yet. -Is it?

Just a little fatherly advice, kiddo.

It's later than you think.

♪ Strangled by the wishes of pater

♪ Hoping for the arms of mater

♪ Get to me sooner or later

♪ Yeah Ooh yeah ♪

(SQUEAKING)

Gentlemen, the hour is nigh.

-Okay. -What's "nigh?"

-I don't know, but I gotta go find my date. -Okay.

No, no, no. Let's go over here.

-I thought we were gonna dance. -We are, we are.

-No, we're definitely gonna dance. -(GROANS)

(KEYS CLINKING)

(MOUTHING)

-(MUSIC STOPS) -(STUDENTS PROTESTING)

GUY: Put the music back on, man!

(PROTESTING CONTINUES)

HECKLER: What is wrong with you?

This is bogus!

HECKLER: This sucks!

All these notes are for you, Maggie.

-(GASPS) -(GASPS) Oh, my god.

GIRL: We don't care!

(PROTESTING CONTINUES)

(PLAYING MELT WITH YOU)

(STUDENTS CLAMORING)

Shakin' it, man!

-See the geek? -What in the...

Woodman!

I christen thee S.S. Titanic.

(MECHINICAL WHIRRING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Woodman! Get your ass off the stage! Just get off...

Woah!

Mayhem.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

MAN: Get out of the way! Stop pushing!

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Ahh! (GRUNTS)

-(CROWD CLAMORING) -(CHUCKLING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

(SCREAMING)

You guys should go back to the limo, okay? Women and children first.

-Go! I'll meet you there. -Oh, good.

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh, my god. This is beautiful.

(ALL SCREAMING)

-This is the best prom ever, man. -Yeah.

(SCREAMING) Oh, my god! My dress!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GASPING)

Brian! Brian, help me!

Brian!

Maggie!

Help!

(WHOOPS)

(GRUNTS)

What the hell was that?

(WHIMPERING)

(SIRENS APPROACHING)

(SIRENS BLARING)

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

(SHIVERING) I'm cold, Rose. I'm so cold.

I'm sinking. Rose...

Jack! Jack! Jack!

-(SIREN WAILING) -(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

(RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES)

It's mayhem! Yeah, it's chaos, sir. Nobody saw anything.

-OFFICER: You see anything, Matthews? -No, sir.

I did.

He's the bastard.

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

He planned the whole thing himself.

You fink! They'll never take me alive!

-Let's get him! -Never!

Get down! Put your hands behind your back!

Textbook takedown, huh, men?

Make sure you rough me up in front of the honeys, huh?

Hold up, guys. I got this one.

Thanks, man.

I heard his father's in prison.

I heard he slept with the school nurse.

-GIRL: He's hot! -GIRL 2: Oh, he's boiling! (LAUGHS)

-(STARTS ENGINE) -Take me to the hotel, driver.

-(GROANS) -Sheesh! Somebody's in a hurry for some lovin'.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHS) Chris...

This night is really important to me, okay?

It's important to me too.

Um, why don't you lie on the bed,

and make yourself a little more comfortable?

Good idea.

(CHATTERING)

Ooh, this is it!

(GRUNTING)

On your back, stallion.

(GROANS)

Ash, look, we got all night, right?

Yes, we do.

(PANTING)

Okay, well... Mmm, okay.

Why don't you just wait here, and I'll go get us some champagne.

-Okay. -All right.

Forgot something.

-Hurry back. -Okay.

(PANTING)

-(LAUGHING) -(CHATTERING)

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

FLOYD: Hey, um, do they have a jail out here in the woods?

CHRIS: Damn, Carter, these knots are pretty tight.

Summer camp.

Oh, god.

-(SIGHS) When good girls go bad. -(CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

Hey, uh, this isn't like one of those games when you...

You give me a 30-second head start and then hunt me down, is it?

Don't move.

Because, uh, I'm really slow and not very cunning.

I'm sure you'd have me in 45 seconds, tops.

Maggie?

Have you seen Maggie Carter?

Who knew you were such a freak?

Mmm. I'm surprised you didn't.

I mean, you knew so many other things about me.

Like my favorite movie.

Casablanca.

And my favorite book.

Ni-ni-ni-nine stories.

(GIGGLES)

By the way, which one's your favorite

of the nine stories, hmm?

The long one?

-Sorry, Chris. -What?

Wrong answer.

Yeah, uh...

Uh, Carter, you're sort of starting to creep me out here.

Shh.

-There's just one more question. -Okay.

How's it feel to be played?

(LOUDLY) what?

(GAGGING)

(MUFFLED YELLING)

Okay.

-Smile now, prom date. -(SCREAMING)

You know, Chris, there's one thing you're right about.

What we do tonight is probably how we'll be remembered.

(MUFFLED YELLING CONTINUES)

-Hey, Maggie. -Hey, guys.

-Is that, um... -Chris.

Yeah. Tell your friends.

(CHATTERING)

ASHLEY: Shh. Don't say a word. Just have me.

Uh, you do know that people will be looking for me and...

(HITS METAL)

This is really all Virgil Doolittle's fault.

I mean, sure, I want to be a legend and all, but, hey...

Hey, I was just joking around, pulling a prank, all right?

You should really think about it.

Your future.

Yeah. Okay, I'll do that.

Thank you.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

(CLAMORING)

Maggie!

RYAN: Maggie.

Maggie!

Maggie, I need to talk to you.

What, lying and cheating weren't enough? Now you're breaking and entering?

Ow.

The prince ascends my balcony,

looks deeply into my eyes and says, "Ow."

How romantic.

You didn't let me finish.

I meant, ow, that really hurts like hell.

But not near as bad as losing you.

Or knowing that I can't take it back.

I wish I could, Maggie.

You lied to me, Ryan.

You steered me right into that world,

made me feel like I belonged.

You do belong.

You belong with me.

You know, talk is cheap, Ryan.

And if there's one thing I've learned from all this, it's that.

If I let you off the hook,

do you know how much you owe me?

I do.

The things I do for you.

(SIGHS)

(CHARM ATTACK PLAYING)

Got your neck back for you, Gilmore.

♪ He's the kind of guy who's always passing by

♪ Who never has time to spend

♪ And he'll take you for a spin

♪ And want to look within

♪ To find out who you are

♪ And he numbs himself with weed

♪ He's from the coldest breed who judge by what they see

♪ And I thought he was smart enough

♪ To know that the girl on his arm

♪ Will never calm his storms

♪ Watch out he'll charm you

♪ Smoother than the L.A. weather

♪ That's how he holds himself together

♪ He is colder than the winter

♪ I wrap my coat around to better

♪ Counteract his charm attack that leaves me hungry

♪ Well, I'm no savior but I tried to save you

♪ With all

♪ My

♪ Love

♪ That rage

♪ And hide inside

♪ And he has his minions with no real opinions

♪ 'Cause they all walk on glass

♪ And your lies become the truth

♪ And give me the proof

♪ That you really care

♪ With your gorgeous grin

♪ You have the world sucked in

♪ Believin' in everything you say

♪ Watch out he'll charm you

♪ Smoother than the L.A. weather

♪ That's how he holds himself together

♪ He is colder than the winter

♪ I wrap my coat around to better

♪ Counteract his charm attack that leaves me hungry

♪ Well, I'm no savior but I tried to save you

♪ With all

♪ My

♪ Love

♪ That rage

♪ And hide inside

♪ Smoother than the L.A. weather

♪ That's how he holds himself together

♪ He is colder than the winter

♪ I wrap my coat around to better

♪ Counteract his charm attack that leaves me hungry

♪ Well, I'm no savior but I tried to save you

♪ With all

♪ And he stamps on every emotion

♪ And he dampens each and every explosion

♪ And he stamps on every emotion

♪ And he dampens each and every explosion

♪ And he stamps on every emotion

♪ And he dampens each and every explosion

♪ And he stamps on every emotion

♪ And he dampens each and every explosion

♪ Stamps on

♪ Every emotion

♪ And he dampens

♪ Every explosion

♪ And he stamps on ♪