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There you are, sir.

Waiter...

Waiter.

Edgar...

- What's this? - An entrecote.

This thing's raw. I'm not a hyena, am I?

- You'd like it well done? - Yes.

- Do I get some attention? - I'll be right with you.

There you are, sir.

- White wine? - Do you do it on purpose?

You can see I'm busy.

- White wine? - Yes, and be a bit nicer to me.

- Where's Walter? - In the toilet.

Walter?

- Are you coming to help me or not? - I'm not feeling too good.

- Mentally or physically? - Physically.

Just give that entrecote a nudge, will you.

There's an entrecote by your foot.

There you are, sir.

Is that better?

Waiter.

- What did that woman say? - Nothing special.

It looked like a conversation.

- Have you changed your make-up? - No. Why?

You look so odd.

- What are you having? - A schnitzel.

- With salad? - Be a bit nicer.

I'm looking forward to a nice evening. Unlike you, apparently.

- Victoria, I'm at work. - Say that you love me.

I'm horny as hell.

Yes.

- Salad? - No.

Wiener Schnitzel or Gypsy Schnitzel?

A Gypsy Schnitzel.

A Gypsy Schnitzel.

Made with love, please. It's for Victoria.

Either go home or come and help me.

- Do you hear me? - Yeah, I'm coming.

One beer for table six.

Edgar...

Forgotten I'm here?

- I've got to go. - Why's that?

I've got a sick wife at home.

So?

- You're late. - It was busy.

Goodnight.

It's no good. I'm not going to show it. That sex all the time.

They're having a relationship. So they do it, don't they?

Yes, so I don't need to show it.

It depends how you show it. You're making it miserable again.

Role-play.

Role-play. They could dress up.

It's OK, girly.

That's good. Carry on.

No, I'll leave it at that.

Come on, I want to see what's going to happen.

That's obvious, isn't it?

You come up with four negroes. I want to see what happens.

Leave it at that, or it turns into an orgy with four negroes and that's stupid.

It's not stupid at all. I want to see that.

Well, I don't.

- Are you staying the night? - I have to go home.

You don't have to. You could stay.

- What are you doing? - Get up.

- Stand up. - You're hurting me.

I'm no idiot. How long have you been carrying on with the doctor?

For a year. I can't stand you, Edgar.

Suzie, what are you doing?

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

I can hear typing.

Suzie.

What's this?

God Almighty, Suzie!

Jesus Christ. Keep your hands off my script.

This is outrageous. Do I have to switch off my PC every time?

Just read the scene first.

Rubbish, it's a load of rubbish.

You don't have a clue.

- It was a good scene. - It's completely useless.

Edgar's not supposed to know his wife's having an affair.

We're hungry. What do you recommend?

Have you looked at the menu?

Yes, but I'm asking: What do you recommend?

Did you have meat or fish in mind?

I don't have anything in mind. What do you recommend?

I can recommend the cod with mustard sauce or a schnitzel.

- Schnitzel? Is that veal? - Yes.

- I don't eat veal. Is the cod fresh? - Frozen. Everything is nowadays.

- Is that so? - Yes.

- Is the mustard sauce spicy? - Yes.

If I order this cod and eat it, will I have had a nice meal?

- Is that a guarantee? - Things can go wrong.

- Then I'd get revolting cod? - You'd get a new one.

A new revolting one.

Then I'd be extra careful.

Why aren't you extra careful the first time?

I will be extra careful the first time.

So I'll get delicious cod straight off? I'll have the cod.

- What's it served with, the cod? - Rice and carrots.

I'll have the cod, but with chips and without carrots.

Two cod.

- One with chips and without carrots. - Yes, I know.

- But you haven't written it down. - Yes, I have.

- I'll have the liver. - I wouldn't do that.

- What did you say? - I wouldn't do that.

- I feel like liver. - I'd advise you against it.

What the hell is this?

- It's on the menu, isn't it? - As far as I'm concerned, it shouldn't be.

- But it's on there. - It's not up to me.

- An ordinary steak. With salad. - Me too.

- Weren't you having the cod? - Now I want steak.

- The steak's finished. - It's unbelievable.

What does this say? Sausage. What kind of sausage is it?

- German sausage. - Sausage from Germany?

- Which animal? - Which animal?

From which animal is the sausage made? For God's sake, man!

Pig.

We want to eat, but you don't give the impression it's possible.

- Are you a trained waiter? - Yes.

Didn't they tell you that you should praise a dish?

"Sir, I heartily recommend the German sausage."

"It's a delicious pork sausage, specially made for us by a small Bavarian firm."

Try saying that.

Say after me. "Sir, I heartily recommend the German pork sausage."

- Say it, damn you. - Sir, I recommend the German sausage.

- Heartily. - Heartily.

A delicious pork sausage specially made for us by a small Bavarian firm.

A delicious pork sausage specially made for us by a small Bremen firm.

- Bavarian. - Bavarian.

Was that so difficult?

- I'll have the German sausage. - Me too.

Sorry to barge in like this, but you're going too far.

Jesus, what are you up to? This is insane.

What's this? You can't turn up here. You're fictitious.

Why must I grovel to the businessmen? Why can't I answer back?

- That's the story. - What's the story?

- You're not to know that. - And my sick wife. What's that about?

- You're having a hard time. - It's more than hard, it's unbearable.

A chronically sick wife. How can I love her?

- He's right. - Shut up.

Admit it. She's got to die. She stagnates everything.

- She ruins my life. - That's the whole idea.

But she's ruining your story too. A sick wife is boring.

You don't know what's in store.

Only that his wife's having an affair with the doc.

- He's not supposed to know that. - She's having an affair with the doctor?

- Yes. - That's been scrapped.

- So it didn't happen? - No, because it's been scrapped.

- It had better be, the filthy whore. - It's been scrapped, it didn't happen.

- Scrap the wife. - No.

God, you're so difficult. What's the problem?

If you can't scrap things, you're a useless writer.

- Shut up. - Scrap her.

If you scrap her, you'll have more elbow room.

That's better for the story and makes me more active.

- And that's what you'd like? - Yes, very much.

I'm not making any promises. Now get out.

One more thing. Those neighbors. Can't they move out?

- No. - Why not?

You have to be provoked. You have to suffer.

- So it's going to get worse? - Yes.

- Those businessmen are coming back? - Maybe. And now stop.

If they come back, can you give me a couple of snappy lines?

- Please? So I can stick up for myself? - Sod off!

- What is it now? - Do I get a new girlfriend?

- He's got a girlfriend. - A girlfriend with a bit of love.

Even if it doesn't last. A fleeting moment of happiness.

You can punish me again afterwards.

- I'll make a concession. - By giving him a girlfriend?

- Can't you shut up? - You mustn't give him a girlfriend.

He's already got one. Two girlfriends? You're no good at triangles.

There's not going to be a triangle.

You're getting a girlfriend. For a short time.

On one condition. That you leave me in peace.

Whatever happens to you, you leave me in peace.

See you.

I've missed you so much.

I've missed you too.

- I've got to go. - So soon?

Yes.

A moment more.

See you tomorrow.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

We provide you with compost. Don't throw it back at us.

Compost? Rubbish.

It just needs to be sorted. You need some compost, don't you? It's a gift.

- Well? - What?

- How about a thank you? - For that rubbish?

And now a smack in the face.

You can say thank you, can't you?

- Yes. - It's not hard, is it?

Say it then. "Thank you, Richard."

Thank you, Richard.

I had one more question.

I'm sometimes bothered by disturbance.

Disturbance? From whom?

- From you. - What kind of disturbance?

Loud music. Last week an electric drill.

Sieb is a sound technician.

- He sometimes has to do tests. - That loud?

- Yes, that's the test. - Can't he do it at work?

I work at home.

My wife asked if you'd like to come to dinner sometime.

- Oh, did she? - Yes.

- Is that odd or something? - No, not at all.

Well?

- Would you like to? - Yes, that's fine.

Do I know your wife?

Not that I know.

- I'll take care of them. - No.

Don't look so worried. We're in a pleasant mood. Isn't that so, boys?

If you're in a pleasant mood too, there won't be a problem.

We've had a hard day. We'd appreciate a friendly reception.

What would you like to drink?

- That didn't sound friendly. - It was polite.

That's not good enough. I want a friendly smile.

That's no fucking good!

Can't you do a friendly fucking smile?

Fuckwit!

We are customers, guests.

You are here to please us.

A bottle of white wine.

Chilled.

How about our wine?

- What did you say? - I said you should calm down.

Listen, you drip. You ruined our evening yesterday. That's not happening again.

We want to be served by a friendly, servile little waiter.

You're a bastard.

I wanted to answer back.

And what do you give me? A weedy insult that gets me beaten up.

What kind of bullshit story is this?

Who the hell am I? I've got no ambitions, no dreams. I drift around.

- Who am I? - Go away.

- What's my purpose? - You don't have a purpose.

So I'm a worthless character.

- A modern character. - A what?

A modern character.

My God, a modern character. That's completely passé, man.

I've got more to offer.

Disappointments or not, I'm behind you. I permit you moments of happiness.

I hadn't noticed.

That's still to come. What do you take me for? An amateur?

If you come round here once more, I'll have you run down by a truck.

My sweetheart.

- At least tell me where you live. - No.

I like the fact that you don't know anything about me.

But we can't keep that up for ever.

One day I'll tell you everything.

I don't even know how old you are.

I'm young. And you're not.

Welcome. I'm Stella.

Edgar.

Thank you.

Why don't you sit down. I'll be right with you.

In the daytime you can see the sea.

Sit down.

To love.

Walter says you've got a girlfriend.

Did you say that?

- Yes, shouldn't I have done? - It's fine.

She's called Victoria, isn't she?

I know Victoria. She lives nearby.

She's a nice woman.

- So she's your girlfriend, is she? - Not any more.

- You mean it's over? - Yes.

Bart's crying.

I'll go.

- Why did you invite me? - I wanted to see you.

Bart wants a kiss. Otherwise you can't sleep, eh?

Do you want a kiss from Uncle Edgar too?

You do, don't you?

I've got to go and look at the quails.

Time for red.

I know something you don't know.

What then?

You'll have been a waiter for 25 years this year.

- 25 years? - Yes.

- I'm going to organize something. - There's no need.

- There's no need to, but I'm going to. - But I don't want you to.

You don't want me to, but I will anyway.

You won't be doing me any favors.

I don't think Edgar finds this very interesting, Walter.

Turn it off.

I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to bed.

Sleep well, love.

See you tomorrow.

Stella.

Am I your little tramp?

Yes.

- Say it then. - What?

That I'm your little tramp.

You're my little tramp.

I can't.

- It's finished. - What?

With you. It's over.

- Just like that? - Yes. Just go quickly. That's simplest.

- But you wanted to see me. - To end it. I never want to see you again.

But you're the one. I can't go on without you.

Bart's awake. What do you want? A scene?

- What's going on? - He doesn't feel very well.

Fetch a wet cloth.

- What's wrong? - I'm OK again now.

- What was it? A headache? - Yes.

It's fine, Walter.

Who's there?

Edgar.

What is it?

Can I come in?

- Victoria?- What do you want?

- Didn't you hear what I asked?- If you can come in.

- That's what I asked.- And then?

What's the idea, Edgar?

- Hang on.- Why hang on?

Edgar?

Victoria?

What's going on?

You ring my bell in the middle of the night, then you disappear...

Can I come up?

- To do what? - Sleep.

- Why? - We're having a relationship, aren't we?

Oh, now we're having a relationship all of a sudden.

Victoria...

- Are you there or am I crying for nothing? - No, not at all.

- What am I going to do with you? - I don't know.

- What did you say? - Let me in, it's easier to talk.

I want you so much, Edgar, but in a different way.

You just drift around. I don't know who you are at all.

- Victoria?- Yes?

We've got to be sensible. It's late.

I'm going home and tomorrow we'll go to your favorite restaurant.

You can come in, you know.

And I'd like to very much. But it's best if I don't.

- Why not? - I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow.

I can't hear what you're saying. Edgar?

Stella?

What was that all about last night?

I was a bit weird.

- There's Walter and Stella. - Where?

That's not Walter.

- Who else would it be? - I don't know, but it's not Walter.

- What are you going to do? - Ask them to join us.

Are you mad?

- Why not? - Because it isn't Walter.

She's on a secret date.

Stella on a secret date? Don't be ridiculous. They've just had a baby.

- So? - Women with babies don't have affairs.

What nonsense.

How would you know?

Victoria...

You're right. It's not Walter.

- Who is it then? - I don't know him.

I think it's dreadful. Just had a baby and having an affair.

That man must know that she's got a baby.

If you know that, you'd leave the woman alone.

You wouldn't have to think twice, would you? Don't you think so?

Edgar?

- Don't you think so? - What?

You're not listening.

No, I'm not listening.

Nice, having dinner with you.

- I'm sorry. - Whatever.

Victoria, please. What are you doing?

Go away.

Look what I'm wearing.

You think, "A quick shag and everything's fine again."

I wasn't in a good mood.

Wait.

I want you to leave.

Bugger off!

Sorry, guys.

You don't get it, do you. I love you, don't you understand?

But I want a man who loves me too.

Who's gallant and affectionate.

And who says something original every now and then.

Mr. Makino is a friend of ours.

He's not safe with us, but with you he will be.

We want you to put him up.

- Put him up? - Temporarily.

- What's temporarily? - Not indefinitely.

We'd like him to feel welcome.

- I'm not set up for guests. - You've got a bedroom, haven't you?

- Yes, but I sleep in it. - I see a sofa here.

I can't make a guest sleep on the sofa, can I?

I agree with you.

You're sleeping on the sofa and Mr. Makino in the bedroom.

I don't want a stranger in my house.

He's a refugee. Be a good host.

We've had a cordial relationship with Japan for 400 years.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't jeopardize it.

Herman...

Jesus, I was miles away.

- Maybe you should take a break. - No.

What are you doing here?

It's Tuesday. I'm always here on Tuesdays.

- What do you want to drink? - You know what I want.

- Victoria, why are you here? - Because I think we need to talk.

What do you want to eat?

A bit of salad and some bread.

- Where's Walter? - In the toilet.

The door's open.

Something terrible has happened.

- She's left me. - Who? Stella?

- She's got someone else. - Bloody hell, Walter.

Who is he?

- No idea. - Has she moved out?

No, not yet.

But she's going to move out and she's taking Bart with her.

- Is she going to move in with this guy? - Yes.

How long has it been going on?

I don't know.

She's the love of my life. Every day with her was a happy day.

She won't talk, nothing.

I've got to get back.

Just stay there.

- Coming back with me afterwards? - Waiter?

You've got to go home, Walter.

- What am I going to do? - Let's get you home first. Come on.

Just calm down. This won't help, will it?

What you're doing won't help either. He's upset.

He needs to be comforted.

Get him a drink.

It's OK.

Go and sit over there. You'll only say the wrong thing.

Calm down now. It's OK.

Poor Walter.

Victoria...

I'm not coming with you.

You're just going to walk off? We were going to talk things over.

What's the point of talking? It's been nice, but it's got no future.

We've hit a rough time, but we can do something about it.

I can't come with you. I've got a lodger.

- What? - A lodger. A guest.

- Who? - He's Japanese.

- Japanese? - It's complicated. A fugitive.

- He's illegal? - I don't know.

He's staying with me for a few days.

You're coming with me now. That Jap can wait.

- I've got to go. - No, you're not going.

You can't just dump me.

- I'm not a piece of dirt. - You're not a piece of dirt.

But I am going now.

No, you can't just leave me.

I don't understand.

Why are you making me suffer like this? I'm a minor character.

I can't help you.

I don't want to help you. I want you to go away.

- You can do something, can't you? - No. Show him out.

- And you can get out too. - Listen...

- No way. I don't want to know. - Calm down.

Calm down, my foot. Sod off! You too. Get out.

- Herman... - Shut it.

- I've got a request. One small request. - I don't want to hear it.

I just want one more thing and I won't come back again.

Don't push your luck. I've done enough for you.

Hang on...

"I've done enough for you"?

Then why nothing for me? I just want my wife back.

I'm not doing anything else. For anyone.

I want my wife back.

No one's influencing me any more. From now on it's my story.

- You helped Edgar. - I don't owe you an explanation.

- I want you to go now. And you too. - I'm waiting till Walter's gone.

There's no point. I'm not handing out any more presents.

Why not? Give Edgar what he wants, give me what I want.

- I can't. - Why not?

Because you both want the same thing.

The same thing? I want Stella.

What do you want then?

Will you both go, please? Herman's getting into a state. It's enough.

What do you want then?

Jesus, Walter. The same thing.

- What did you say? - You heard me.

Filthy bastard!

She doesn't want me. She's got someone else.

- Who is he? - I don't know.

- Did you fuck her? - Yes. No.

- I want Stella back. - Well, tough shit for you.

She's my wife. I'm married to her, for fuck's sake.

So what?

Come on, let's have a bath together.

I'll be right there.

Would anyone like to speak?

Shall we go and have a drink?

No.

You're going out with my sister.

To a nice restaurant.

And you're going to be very sweet to her.

Aren't you enjoying it?

Yeah.

Then I want to see you enjoying it.

"Mmm... delicious."

Mmm... delicious.

Can I try a bit of yours?

Do you want to try mine?

- That's duck, isn't it? - Yes.

- I don't like duck. - One little mouthful. Just to try.

- And? - Delicious. Say "Delicious."

This is absurd. I don't like duck.

- Edgar needs to go to the toilet. - I don't need to go to the toilet.

Is it really so difficult? I want you to be sweet, really sweet.

Do I have to smash your face in?

When we get back to the table, take her hand and say sweet things.

With conviction.

- I've ordered your favorite dessert. - A sorbet?

No, semolina pudding. That was always your favorite dessert.

Where do you get that idea? I hate semolina pudding.

Your dessert, sir.

I warned you.

Waiter.

Do what you're supposed to do.

Oh, darling.

Oh, my darling.

Victoria.

Enough!

I think my sister wants to give you one more chance.

I'll pick you up tomorrow at seven. We'll go to a film first and then we'll see.

Jesus.

God Almighty.

Why, in God's name?

Frighten them a bit. That's all I wanted.

- You should have said that then. - I did say that.

You didn't say that. You said, "I want to be free of them."

- That's different to doing them in. - I disagree.

- I said nothing was to happen to them. - Nothing has happened to them.

- They're dead. - But they don't know that, do they?

They're lucky. A sudden death. That's what everybody wants, isn't it?

Now about the money. How would you like to pay?

Money?

- 30,000 euros, that's what we agreed. - What?

Did you think it was for free?

I'm harboring a contract killer. Who said anything about money?

That's why you get a reduction.

What do you think a double liquidation normally costs?

Twice as much, you jerk. We're doing you a favor.

I don't have 30,000 euros.

You'll have half of it in a week and the rest in two weeks.

Herman...

I'm very calm. It'll be a short visit, I promise.

Please, let me in.

I know you're in there.

- Herman's asleep. - Can't you wake him up?

I don't think that's a good idea.

It's not funny any more, Suzie. He's writing me deeper into the shit.

Where am I going to find 30,000 euros?

- I don't know. I need to sleep. - Suzie, you've got to help me.

The first week is up tomorrow.

I haven't got it.

15,000 euros.

Tomorrow at four o'clock.

15,000 euros. Down to the last cent.

Dammit.

I don't know how to go on. I hate this Edgar.

He needs a weapon. You've got to give him a weapon.

- A weapon? - Yes.

You want to kill off Richard and Sieb soon, don't you?

Then Edgar needs a weapon, doesn't he?

He suddenly comes across a weapon?

Yes, he suddenly comes across a weapon. Write:

"Edgar is walking along the street."

"He turns the corner..."

"...and finds himself in a dark alleyway."

How much are the bow and arrows in the window?

Yes, that's fine.

I don't want you coming here any more. You're not supposed to come here.

I've released you from a heavy debt and it's still not enough.

- By making me murder two people. - Don't you interfere.

- What else is in store for me? - I'm not answering any more questions.

I can see it all before me. I know exactly what to do to stop you barging in here.

No more adventures. Boredom, that's your lot.

To Edgar.

Hold on, I'm not finished.

Everything Edgar's going to experience today was Walter's idea.

To Walter, who is no longer with us.

To Walter.

EDGAR 25 YEARS A WAITER

Nice soup.

Jesus, man. What are you doing?

Suzie, will you please not talk to me any more?

Not talk? I'm not allowed to talk any more?

You can say, "Good morning, Herman. Shall I get you a nice drink?"

But no more about this story. No more.

- So I'm worthless now, am I? - Yes.

- Mess up your story then. - You've already messed it up.

- Without me it would have been crap. - It's crap now.

In the second draft I'm throwing out everything you've put in.

- What a prick you are. - Sod off.

Does the bus know it's supposed to pick us up?

Yes, of course it knows.

- Give them a ring. - I don't have the number.

What's the name of the company?

I don't know.

Can we sail along?

What's going on?

Suzie, open the door.

Open the door.

Suzie, open the door.

Suzie, open the door.

Goodbye, Herman.

Suzie?

Suzie?

What kind of lunacy is this? You dirty rotten trash-writer.

You let two girls drown. Do you want to drive me mad?

I didn't write this. This is Suzie's.

- Why's she tampering with your work? - It was a one-off thing.

- Who writes what round here? - It was a one-off.

- Doing a bit of co-writing, is she? - It was a one-off.

You don't need to worry about it happening again because Suzie's gone.

- And now? - I've no idea. It's ruined.

Just say what you want. Deliverance?

- Yes, that's what I want. - A happy ending.

- What's wrong with that? - Nothing.

- I want Stella back. - That won't make you happy,

- Stella is an unreliable woman. - Then change that.

As you wish.

So I get Stella back?

Yes.

- I don't trust you. - Too bad.

You're planning something different.

It's all going to turn out fine, Edgar. It's all going to turn out fine.

Honestly.

Waiter.

Good evening.

A bottle of white wine. The best.

Do you know what you'd like to order yet?

No.

It'll do.

- Do you know what you're having? - Yes.

Thank you.

- I'll have the cod. - With mustard sauce?

- Yes. - Me too.

You're having the same as me?

And why not?

We're not going to eat the same thing. Order something else.

- I feel like cod. - Didn't you hear what I said?

A steak. Medium.

- Why are you so heavily made-up? - We're out, aren't we?

- Where are you going? - To the toilet.

How are things with you?

Fine.

Off you go.

Are you still angry with me?

No.

I must go back, Edgar. Otherwise I'll be in trouble.

Stella.

Where's Edgar?

THE END