Original subtitles

I got my toiletries. I got my show clothes.

Make sure that, uh, Brian sends out my trunk.

And, uh, the avocados.

Oh, for God's sake Hank,

you're not going off to college, you know.

You're spending a week with a family in Wisconsin.

Geez, it's just a bit.

Yes, but a bit with enormous spin-off potential!

Why should Charles Kuralt

have a monopoly in this kind of shit!

Hank, Charlie's no longer with us.

I know, that's what I'm saying!

It's, it's wide open!

We're back with, uh, Steven Wright.

Of course, Steven, who is... oddly enough...

I just realized when I said Steven Wright,

that you're actually to my right.

It's a good thing your name isn't Steven Left

because I'd be looking this way.

(laughter)

So... Yeah?

You're gonna be in town all week?

Uh, probably, yeah.

Good. And, uh, anything special going on?

Well, I was at a, uh... benefit at the planetarium

last night, and, uh... Yeah?

Stephen Hawking was mad at me

'cause I took his parkin' space, and...

I said to him, "Don't you have

better things to think about?"

So are you a Boston Red Sox fan?

Well, I go to lots of the games,

Uh-huh.

I follow the team regularly, Yeah.

I love goin' to Fenway Park.

I do not consider myself a fan.

I don't wanna be labeled.

Have you ever learned a, um, a foreign language?

Yes, I'm studying Italian. I'm...

Really? I'm...

I've been studying Italian for years

because I have to study it,

'cause it's-- I eventually wanna teach it.

Let me ask you this, Yeah?

Uh, are you raising horses?

Am I raising horses, absolutely.

Someone said you were raising horses.

Absolutely, I've been raising horses for years.

They're getting taller and taller...

and, uh... it's goin' great.

You should come over sometime and we'll watch them.

Horses are a fabulously interesting animal.

They're one of the only species named that.

Why don't we take a break

and, uh, we'll come, uh, right back.

No flipping.

(applause)

Very, very funny. Both of you.

Do you know where Beverly is?

(Beverly vomiting)

Beverly, are you okay?

Yes.

You know, I did that once.

I lost 15 pounds, but I gained it all back.

I'm not bulimic.

Come on, Beverly,

this isn't the first time this week I've been in here

while you're doing that. I'm pregnant, all right?

Oh my God... Congratulations!

(gags)

Who's the father?

I don't wanna discuss it.

It's not Larry, is it?

Close?

It was a guest, all right?

You're kidding, who?

Never mind who it was.

We're not seeing each other anymore.

And, Mary Lou, I would appreciate it if you didn't

let anybody know about this, okay?

Of course.

I keep thinking it's Martin Lawrence.

Nah, he's too wild.

his idea of a first date is driving into a tree.

Oh, no, Beverly likes wild men.

I know things you guys don't wanna know about.

Richard Mulligan.

What about human interest guests?

Well, if you're gonna throw some money down

on the potato chip lady, go for it.

No, I was thinking the log man.

David Copperfield! Oh, yeah!

Huh? Yeah, because he's tired of fucking Claudia Schiffer.

Okay, enough of this mumbo jumbo.

I just wanna make a straight bet.

50 bucks, Billy Dee Williams.

My man, Sid.

Brian: That is so 1970s!

Ladies and gentlemen,

excuse me... and Phil.

Beloved Larry would like you

to take another pass at the Richard Simmons

space shuttle sketch.

What's wrong with it?

I believe the word "bad" was bandied about.

What are you hiding over there?

Oh, no. We jus-- we have this little pool... goin'.

Oh, for God's sake.

Show some decency, this is Beverly.

Jimmy Caan?

No way, he's still tied up in court.

(applause)

Once again, time to check in with Hank,

who is staying with the Schmitts

in Racine, Wisconsin, and I think, Hank,

you're making an apple pie or something?

You want to be real liberal with the cinnamon.

A lot of people don't know Hank used to work

at the House of Pies before he worked here.

We get the edges... and... et voila!

That is how you make Grandma Kingsley's

famous apple pie.

Looks good. Grandma was, uh... was from Russia,

Uh, Minsk, I believe.

She came over here with, um... with, with Dad, and, and the...

and the twins. Uh, and, uh, you know,

she was the, uh, first one uh, in her neighborhood

to own a Minsk coat.

I think you mean-- he means mink.

No, she was from Minsk.

Now, um, as you know, Larry, I mean, obviously we don't have time

to bake this particular pie,

so I thought ahead...

Uh, sorry. And, um... and I, uh... I put this in the oven...

and so now we can check out the, uh...

the finished product.

It smells good from here, if I may say.

As you can see,

the, uh... the, uh... the-- it, uh...

the, um, um, crust is, uh, is, uh, uh, tender, flaky...

Larry: Hank. Yeah?

Hank, I'm no expert on pies,

but that one looks like it needs to go back in

for another three or four hours.

You forgot to turn the oven on.

Why don't you put your head in there, Hank,

see if it's working!

Why don't we, uh, take a break,

and we'll be, uh, right back. No flipping.

That's it, that's it, that's it, that, that's it!

The show is over.

I'm turning into Bud Melman.

What?

What, what did we do?

(mockingly) What did we do? What did we do?

Please, everyone, could you sit down?

Come on, come on, sit down, sit down.

Uh... okay. Let's go, let's go over this... again.

The premise of this bit is,

Hank moves in with a bunch of yokels,

not, a bunch of yokels make Hank look like...

an asshole!

Anyway, thanks for being here tonight.

I know it went quickly.

I can't believe this is an hour-long talk show myself,

tonight, didn't it seem more like 54 minutes?

Sleep well, and, uh, I'll see ya tomorrow.

My guests will be, uh, Eriq La Salle,

Drew Carey and Michael Bolton.

(applause)

Who can sleep?

I won't be able to sleep.

It's one of those guys!

Shh, shh, shh! Everybody calm down.

We didn't hear a thing.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow...

Three queens.

Oh, shit!

Shit.

oh, shit, shit, shit!

Sorry, Russ, Lady Luck just gave me a blow job.

No...

Excuse me, excuse me...

Mm. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry...

Go get 'em, big guy.

Yeah.

He was drinking again.

He was doing so well, 91 days!

Hey. Come on, enough of that.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

He's not the man I married.

All right, come on, come on... enough of that.

Come on.

Shh, shh, shh...

Oh, you're here.

Yes. Uh, you want something?

Oh, no, uh... well, I was just looking for a protein shake, actually.

Oh. Oh! I'm sorry, your protein shake. I'm sorry, I'm...

No, that's okay.

Sorry.

Well, don't worry about it... I'll get it.

Oh no, I'll get it.

No, um, just, um, give me, give me 15 minutes.

You know, I just-- what if I-- this is a great idea, I think.

Maybe you should come in a few minutes early each morning,

and then you could make some protein shakes,

and then, you know, there they'd be.

You want me to come in even earlier?

Sure, or late, you could stay late, you know,

whichever works out best.

Larry, I'm in this office already for 12 hours.

If you think I'm gonna come in even a minute early,

I think you're out of your mind,

because I have a life... okay?

Excuse me, folks, it's that time.

Hey.

Pardon me, Beverly. Let's go, kiddo.

What the fuck was that about? What, what is going on?

Larry... she's pregnant.

Who?

Beverly.

Well, why didn't, um... she tell me?

Well, we thought she should, but she didn't 'cause,

you know, she didn't want to hurt your feelings,

you know how close you two are.

Well, we are close.

Is she married?

No.

Is she... dating someone?

Not that I know of.

Well, who is it?

It's one of tonight's guests.

Drew Carey, Eriq La Salle, Michael Bolton?

Eriq. Hey. Thanks for comin' to do the show, appreciate it.

Yeah, thank you, Larry.

Good, everything all right? Need anything?

No, no, no, everything's fine.

Any problems? Okay, good, good, good.

'Cause if anything needs to be taken care of, let me know.

Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

Happy to see you, we'll talk about Italy,

and we'll talk a little bit about, uh... whatever.

Yeah. Whatever you wanna talk about,

I'm, I'm open, man. Great.

Whatever.

Is somethin' wrong?

No... no, everything's cool.

I'm just sortin' some shit out here.

You know, yeah.

Anything I can help with?

No, it's...

Well, you know... whenever I've had a problem,

I always try to do the thing that seems that...

I'm most afraid of.

You think I should leave "ER"?

"ER"?

Welcome back, of course,

every uh, night we've been checking in with Hank,

who is living with the Schmitt family

in Racine, Wisconsin,

and let's see how he's doing today.

Hi, Hank. How are you doing?

Fine, Larry. How are you today?

Larry: Good, is that a, a feather duster

you're, you're holding there?

Yes... yes it is.

Larry: Oh... that's a relief.

You're gonna be doing a little housework today, huh?

That's right, because when you win a week with Hank, y-- you,

you get a full range of services.

I said when I got back, I wanted you gone.

Russ: Okay? Did ya hear me?

(bleeping)

Russ: I want him out of here now.

He can take his whore with him! Okay? (woman sobbing)

Looks like a delightful place the Schmitts have.

Hank: Uh, uh, that's great, Larry...

I can't find any of this...

I can't find any of this on the page.

Now, I understand that you've also-- you-- you've been working out?

Yeah, I went to join the Warner Brothers gym,

and, uh, the guy there, the first thing he tells me

is you have to learn to listen to your body.

Mm-hm. Like, how do you think my body got like this

in the first place?

Listen to your body, "Hi, give me a porno tape and a pizza!"

Yeah, comin' right up. Yes, oh, best body, I obey.

I don't listen to my body. Don't.

No. I don't listen to my body, but then honestly,

I don't think it ever tries to say anything.

Now, you're from Cleveland, right? Yeah.

You did that big song about Cleveland. Right, "Cleveland Rocks," right.

And you're from Cleveland. Right.

so you must be a big Cleveland Indians fan.

Huge Cleveland Indians fan, yeah.

The only thing is that, you know, every year,

it's tough being in Cleveland,

because you have to wear the logo, the Chief Wahoo logo,

and there's a few people don't like it,

'cause, 'cause, yeah, nobody has a logo about him...

Chef Boyardee, Aunt Jemima, Fightin' Irish...

that's all I can tell you, if you're an American Indian

and you're offended by the logo,

all I can tell you is,

hey, you should've fought harder.

Now, did you ever hear this one?

If, uh, if women ran the country there would be no war. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'm sure no one would start a fight

for no reason at all if women ran the world.

Why don't we take a-- Let's go out on that,

'cause, you know, then I can forward the letters right to you!

Okay. We'll be right back. No flipping.

No flipping.

(applause)

Hilarious.

Thanks, man.

Yes, really funny, I wished we could've talked more

about your personal life.

Oh, yeah, but you mention one hooker, you gotta mention them all.

You never think they'd be so territorial, but Jesus Christ!

Hey! Uh, I'm workin' on a new bit,

tell me what you think of this for Vegas.

Great to be here at Caesars, I've only been here a day,

I'm already up 10 grand.

Of course I had to let a fat Arab fuck me up the ass,

but hey!

I heard you like black women.

I like 'em all.

Really? Yeah, I mean, I think women are like snow flakes,

you know?

Are you fucking my secretary?

No, you want me to?

No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't.

I just know that it's Drew Carey.

Right... good choice, good choice.

Larry: Please give a warm welcome Eriq La Salle.

I'll take Eriq La Salle.

(applause) Michael Bolton.

Good to see you.

Have a seat.

Nice to have you here, sorry we kept you so long,

the show has gone very... long

thanks to Hank!

(sobbing)

So tell me about how your character's

coming along on "ER."

Um... he... basically messed up and got his girlfriend pregnant,

and they had a baby.

Talk about human, right?

Idiot.

Uh, hey, uh... Beverly?

Yes?

Listen, uh, Larry told me that we might hit it off,

so I thought, maybe you'd like to go out to dinner with me.

I'm pregnant.

Hey, the more the merrier.

Well... I don't think it's La Salle,

it's not Drew Carey,

that leaves one man, pretty boy.

Yeah, you know singers,

they're just a pair of lungs with a dick.

Right. We're... Get going. Okay.

(applause)

We're back, and, uh, my next guest

is of course, very popular.

We're lucky to, um, have him.

His new CD is called "All that Matters,"

and, uh, please give a warm welcome

to Michael Bolton. Michael Bolton.

(applause)

♪ I got this something to tell you ♪

♪ There ain't no doubt in my mind ♪

♪ All I'm askin' to keep you near forever ♪

♪ Just till the end of time ♪

Beverly. Beverly!

Beverly, wait! Beverly, Beverly, I wanna talk to you!

Oh, now you wanna talk.

I left that message for you four days ago, Eriq.

Look, I'm sor-- I'm sorry I didn't return your call.

Oh, well, I just called you to tell you I'm... pregnant.

Yes! Thank you!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Beverly!

Um... whoa.

Look, I'm, I'm sorry, I-- you know,

I've been directing this film,

and my mind has just been on...

W-- w-- wait, wait a minute,

I-- I just told you that I'm pregnant,

and this is how you react,

you're directing a film?

No, no, no, no.

Look, I'm, I'm just trying to sort through this thing,

because I-- I'm trying to do the right thing here.

Oh, well, let me help you out there.

Just keep on doing what you have been doing.

Nothing.

Because I can raise this baby just fine without you.

Oh, no, Beverly, no-- Beverly... I'm--

Eriq!

Yeah, that's real mature.

♪ You know you've got my, my deepest devotion ♪

♪ Just keep givin' me ♪

♪ Just keep on givin' me ♪

♪ The best of love, best of love ♪

♪ Best of love, baby ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' better ♪

♪ The best of love, babe ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Keep on givin' me ♪

♪ The best of love, best of love, best of love, baby ♪

♪ Ain't nothing sweeter ♪

(cheers and applause)

Great, great. Thank you for being here.

Have a seat, have a seat.

My God, that was great,

and I love the new haircut, it's fantastic.

Thanks. thanks.

I still get phantom tangles.

Why don't we take a break.

We'll be right back. No flipping.

(applause)

Nice song.

Thanks.

Nice picture.

Thanks very much.

What's the name of that-- what was the name of that song?

It's called "The Best of Love."

That's a nice one.

Yeah, it's the first single from the album.

Yeah... well, good luck with it, really. Really, good luck with it.

You know, it-- it's Beverly's favorite song on the whole album.

You know, you're, you're, you're a fuckin' asshole.

Excuse me?

Because you come in here, you knock up my assistant,

and then you leave her and then you come out here and sing?

Let me say something to you.

First of all, I-- I did not fuck your assistant.

She's a fan of mine, she's been to a lot of shows,

and I don't fuck all my fans, okay?

Right.

That haircut is gay. Do you know that?

Seriously?

My haircut's gay?

No... their haircut. Yes, it's your haircut.

But you know... it goes with the, uh...

You know what? I'm a little uncomfortable,

and I think it's time for me to go. Okay?

Good luck with the show.

Have a good life.

Hey... sensational, maestro, come back real soon, will ya?

Don't hold your breath.

You're terrific.

Michael, he's a joker, huh?

I feel better. I feel better.

You do? I think I put that guy in his place.

Who, Michael? Yeah.

Gee, well, I'm glad you feel good about it,

because it turns out that it's La Salle.

La Salle what?

He's the paparino.

We should send Bolton some flowers.

(theme music playing)