All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S05E11_English

Bravo, bravo!

Serving up another helping
of the Sanders special:

laughs primavera.

What are you
talking about?

The monologue was shit.

It was fine.
The audience loved it.

I've haven't been
stared at like that

since the last time
I had sex.

Okay, it was
a shit monologue.

When I find Phil,
I will introduce his ass

to my good friend
Mr. Florsheim.

I don't think you need
to look much further.

(laughing)

That tickles, now it's
my turn to tickle you.

Phil, hey!

What the hell is this,
Plato's Retreat?

Artie, sorry,
this is Jessica.

Hello, Jessica.

And this is Larry.
Hiya.

Hello, I'd shake
hands with you

but you were touching
Phil's feet.

Come here, Phil, we want to talk
to you for a moment.

Yeah, sure.

The monologue
was weak, Phil.

It was a shit crowd.

It's been a shit crowd
for a week and a half.

How long you been seeing
that young lady?

A week...
and a half.

Well, the monologue
was weak.

It was a shit crowd!

Have you been
hypnotized recently?
Why?

Because I don't think this
is getting through to you.

How many different
ways can I put it?

The monologue was weak,
it was shit,

it was not funny,
it was early "Conan."

I want you to
start working on

tomorrow night's
monologue right now.

Okay, but if
I start now,

it's gonna be stale
by tomorrow afternoon.

Have you joined
a cult?

What?

Yeah,
the pussy cult.

Whenever I'm getting
pussy, I'm not funny.

Well, you're
never funny.

Okay, I will start
writing the monologue,

just as soon as
I see Jessica's band.

She's playing at
The Viper Room.

Oh, The Viper Room, that will
put you in the mood

to write comedy.

No one ever died there
when it was Chasen's.

That's very funny.
(laughs) Come on.

Nice meeting you.

Phil seems happy.

Real happy.

Real fucking happy.

Too fucking happy
to write a joke.

Excuse me,
Arthur,

Hank would like to
see you for a minute.

It's important.

I'll be right back.

Hey.

Except for the weak monologue,
very good show.

Thanks.

Did you enjoy
Fishbone?

Huh? I loved Fishbone.

You were right,
they're terrific.

And the notes for Billy Zane
were to your liking?

Yeah, your notes
are always good.

I couldn't do the interviews
without your notes

because I don't have a natural
curiosity about people.

That brings me
to me.

Yeah, where are
the notes on you?

I've been offered
a job producing

"Caryl and Marilyn:
Real Friends."

Who are they?

The mommies.

They have
a daytime show now.

Why would you want
to do a daytime show?

Granted, daytime
doesn't thrill me,

but it would give me
the opportunity to produce.

And as I've told you
about a million times,

that's what
I want to do.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
a little more money?

Yeah, the big bucks
are in daytime TV.

So when, when would
you be leaving?

The end of
the week.

Well that's
awfully soon.

I know, but I think
we have enough people

to handle the load.

Becky's great,
and I love Harriet.

I don't even know
which one is Harriet.

You'll learn their names
within the year.

I don't want you to go.

And I don't wanna go,
but I've been here five years

and I can only derive a limited
amount of personal satisfaction

from booking
the parrot lady.

Alright.

What if I made
you a producer?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

What would
Artie say?

Artie will be
fine with it.

Artie will remain
the executive producer.

You'll work
right under him.

But I would do more,
I would produce?

I would produce
this show?

With Artie?

We'll work it out.

And you'll be...
producer.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

What's up, Hank?

Brian said you had something
important to tell me?

Here, Artie, catch.

C'mon.

C'mon.

Throw it back.

Christ, Hank.

Isn't this fun?

Ho, ho, ho,
the music stopped.

What music?

You win the prize.

What prize?

Well, I came up
with an idea on

how to use that guy
during the warm up.

And I just think it's gonna
be a whole lot of fun.

It's called,
"Hank's hot potato."

Uh-huh.
There is a twist.

You see, I throw this guy
out into the crowd

and they toss it around
as the band plays,

but when
the music stops

whoever has it
wins the prize.

But Hank, in hot potato,
the idea is to get

rid of the potato
before the music stops.

I know,
that's the twist.

But if they get a prize
when they have it,

why would anybody
throw it away?

Hey, Larry's
getting killed out there
the last few nights.

I'm just trying
to help.

Fine!

How about
this one then?

How about this?
What's that?

Larry says, "I was shocked
to see the tabloids

have now linked me sexually
to both my hands."

It's not
gonna work.

Why?

You know Larry only does
the jerk-off jokes he writes.

Oh yeah,
that's right.

What are you doing
here this early?

Jessica dumped me.

What happened?

I don't know, I mean,
we're at The Viper Room,

I told her
her band was great.

And then the next minute
we're out in the parking lot

and she tells me
I make her sick.

Sorry to hear
that, man.

Yeah, that's too bad.

We have to write
the monologue now.

Hey, how
about this?

It's just been discovered
that crop circles

are caused by gophers
and not aliens.

These gophers
are also suspected
of kidnapping farmers

and subjecting them
to painful medical probes.

(laughing)

That's funny. Yeah.
Okay, that's a keeper.

Let's write
the rest of it.

Don't bother.
I already did.

Ah, you're wearing my
favorite cologne:

"Hilarity"
by Larry Sanders.

Hey, listen,
there's something I did today
I want to mention to you.

What's that?
I made Paula producer.

Uh, because, um...

she was going to
actually leave the show

if I didn't and I think
this will...
this will be good.

I don't think
we wanted to lose her.

She'll work
right under you,

and I think she'll
be a big help.

Fine.
Good.

She was offered a job
on "The Mommies."

I said it's fine.

Hank:
...Todd Bridges.

And by the way,
I'm a dead man
for telling you...

Larry Sanders!

(applause)

Did you see this,
E! Entertainment

just fired the actor who
portrayed O.J. Simpson

in the O.J. civil trial
re-enactment show that they had.

And they've already
found a replacement

for the $625 a week job.

O.J. Simpson!

(loud laughter)

He's doing great.

Sensational.

Congratulations on
your promotion, Paula.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

You don't mind if I stand
here with you, do you?

Where else would
the new producer stand?

I'm really looking forward
to working with you.

I remember when
I made my move.

I was just
about your age.

I was working for
"The Great One,"
Jackie Gleason.

And I got an offer
from Red Skelton.

So I went out
to the golf course,
I found Jackie and I said,

"Make me a producer
or I'm out of here."

So he put me under the tutelage
of the great Bob Sterling.

Wow, did you
learn a lot?

Oh yes, and in six months
I replaced him.

You don't have to
worry about that.

Ha! That's exactly what
I said to Bob Sterling.

Larry:
The farmer who discovered
the crop circles said it was

also gophers who submitted him
and subjected him, rather,

to the painful
anal probes.

(applause)

No flipping,
we'll be right back

with all of
our wonderful guests.

Man: Clear.

Hey, those
jokes killed.

Ha, ha.
What's up with Phil?

The gal dumped him.

And as we know
pain equals funny.

Well, I hope our
whole staff gets dumped.

Maybe we'd win an
Emmy now and then.
How true.

Shaq O'Neal's limo
is caught in traffic.

Okay.

Funny monologue.
Thank you.

Okay, Shaq O'Neal is late,
so I think we should go

right into
David Spade.

Larry's gonna talk to
Angie for two segments

and then he'll
talk to David Spade.

Spade's got some
very funny stories.

Better than skinny
dipping with JFK

in the White House
swimming pool?

Hey, look, I can flirt
with either of them, so.

Don't worry about it,
it's just a suggestion.

Good luck with
the rest of the show.

Is this a problem?

For me, no.

Hey, you're cooking,
lad, get 'em.

(applause)

We're back...

There she is,
the producer.

Look, we didn't get
to help celebrate
your promotion yesterday

so we went all-out
this morning.

Oh, you know
how well I react

to gestures
of sentimentality.

Then blow out
the candle.

Oh girl,
give 'em hell.

Larry:
But if you win
for holding it,

then why would
anyone throw it?

You still don't
get it, do you?

Phil, good job on the
monologue jokes last night.

Excellent,
thank you.

What's wrong?

You've never
thanked me before.

Well, the jokes were
never that good before.

Well, thanks.

Whatever you're doing,
keep doing it.

Now, how does
this thing work?

This is the Larry Sanders
joke kit.

All right.
Hank gives you
a set up,

and you fill it in
with the flash cards.

Sounds "Philarious,"
let's try one.

Okay, may we proceed,
please?

Larry, you're on.

Thank you.

Jeez!

I know many of you watch the--
watch me night after night.

I know I do, Larry.

That's funny.

Is this the way it's
gonna be lit later on?

That's the way it's
always been, Paula.

This is standard
desk piece lighting.

Could we just try this?

Yeah, but he looks
kind of green to me.

Seriously--
Well, I had a bad
piece of fish.

The lighting's
perfecto, let's go.

Thank you.

I think that we should throw
a little red in there.

Paula, if you throw any
red on Larry's face,

he's gonna look like the
Cleveland Indians mascot.

Yeah, but without it,
he looks ill.

I think we've always
been too green.

Could we just try the red
and move on with this?

Right.

Where--
where's he going?

Oy.

(rock music playing)

(shuts off music)

Jessica.

Phil.

Are you busy?

Maybe, what do you want?

We found Arthur.

Oh, thank god.

Was he at that strip
club by the airport?

No, he was home.

Well, maybe
I should call him.

Oh no, I wouldn't
call him if I were you.

He, uh, had a few drinks.

Hey, Sandler's here,

Martha Stewart's
making chicken stock,

and you need to go
through makeup.

Well, help me
pick out a tie.

Which one
do you like?

I don't know.
Artie picks out my tie.

Relax, it's a tie,
pick one.

I have to do a show
in 40 minutes.

I don't have time
to pick out a tie.

Okay, hey, look at
this one, it's perfect.

You don't think that will
make my face look puffy?

It's a tie.

You put it on and
you go to makeup.

Paula, I have
to talk to you.

I'm very busy.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
just listen to me.

This is important.

I asked Phil to write
some patter for the debut

of "Hank's hot potato,"

but I hardly think he's
captured the spirit of fun

with this kind
of dialogue.

"I'm sure everyone here loves
the old game hot potato,

"but I'll bet you're gonna
like it even more

"when I tell you that
I just pulled this potato

"right out of
my big fat ass!

Here, catch."

Then the audience,
in unison, shouts,

"Hey now, Hank,
go fuck yourself!"

I mean, the audience isn't
even supposed to have lines.

Beverly:
Excuse me, Paula,

Sid said that Phil did
not give him the monologue.

Oh, Christ!

Use another word.
Well, who, who...

Who's dealing with my
hot potato problem?

Is that addressed to me?

Pardon me?

I'm not
the cook here.

Hey.

Hi, have you
seen Phil?

He'll be right back.

He went to
the kitchenette.

I don't think
we've met.
Hi.

I'm Paula,
I produce the show.

Hey, Paula.

So, heard
you guys played

The Viper Room
the other night.

Yeah,
we kicked ass.

Maybe you can kick ass
on our show sometime?

Really?
Yeah.

Have you seen
the band?

I don't need to.
Listen, umm...

Phil writes
better and faster

when he's unhappy.

And we don't have
tonight's monologue.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Where's the kitchenette?

That way.

This holiday,
the biggest-selling toy
was the "Tickle Me Elmo,"

which oddly enough
is also--

that was your pick-up phrase in
the '70s, wasn't it?

"Entertainment Weekly"
published their list

of 101 most powerful
people in Hollywood.

I'm not on the list but
I'm very proud to say

that number 17 and 56 hate me
and won't take my calls.

He's killing.

This is the craziest chick
that I have ever met.

One minute she's fine,
the next minute she's crazy.

It's like a fucking
roller coaster.

I think she's hot.

(whimpering)

(laughter continues)

Larry:
...low blood sugar.

I want you to know what
a great job you did today.

Thank you.

Look, um,
I can't do this to Artie.

Wait a minute,
are you firing me?

Look, I'll do anything
I can for you.

And if you want
your old job back...

I don't want
my old job back!

I don't believe this!

I don't blame you
for being angry,

I'm sorry,
I just can't...

What, did I
push too hard?

Did I do
something wrong?

Did I not
produce the show?

It isn't you, it's him.
He's a big fucking baby

and I guess he just
can't handle it so,

is the job at
"The Mommies" filled?

"The Mommies"?
I don't know! I don't know.

It's probably
still open.

Who the fuck wants
to produce "The Mommies"?

C'mon!

Umm...
I'm gonna...

I'm gonna tell you something
that I wouldn't tell you

if you weren't leaving.
Is it gonna hurt
my feelings?

No, I don't think it's
gonna hurt your feelings.

I happen to
really like you.

I mean, um, you know...

I'm not a happy man.

I know that I hide it
pretty well but

the truth is, uh,
I could always
look forward to you

kind of making me
smile and...

Me?
Yeah, yeah.

In an odd way, I thought we've
always understood each other.

You and me?

And I wouldn't say
this to someone,

you know,
that I was working with, but

I really like you, Paula.

Okay.

So maybe we can go out
to dinner or something

when this is all,
you know...

I don't think so.
Why not?

I'm not your type,
my breasts are real.

You know, I could
get used to that.

Do you like me?

I mean, if you weren't
working with me?

Sure, yes,
I like you.

My god, you've
got a wall up.

Okay, we'll
go to dinner!
All I'm telling you is that...

Fine, I'd like
to go to dinner.

Geez, don't be so uptight.

Well, I've never been
fired like this before.

(chuckling)
We're gonna have
such a good time.

(knocking)

(shuts off television)

Well, well, well,
the great Larry Sanders.

Uh, may I come in?
Why not? Entre vous.

Well, you missed
nothing tonight.

The show was horrible.

Yeah?

Interviews were bad,

the lighting on the desk
piece was way too red.

My face looked like that
Indian Chief in...

Chief Wahoo.

Who?

The Cleveland Indians
mascot, Chief Wahoo.

I swear to god Artie,
it was awful.

The show can't function
without you.

Oh c'mon,
you're kidding.

You gotta come back.

Larry, I saw the show tonight
on my satellite dish.

Oh.

Dammit,
it was excellent.

Except for your tie.
You shouldn't
wear stripes, sonny.

They strobe and make
your face look puffy.

When did you get
a satellite dish?

I've had it about a month,
119 channels.

Really?

I was just watching some
Australian rules football.

You want to stay?

I also got five
porno channels.

I'll have a beer.
Good.

I don't believe
this, Paula.

It's really unfair.

I guess things just
don't work out.

Oh, can I have
your stapler?

Brian!

Excuse me, Paula,
may I speak to you?

Yes, sir.
Folks.

I suppose you got
what you wanted, huh?

All I want is to do
the best possible show.

You know, when I was
a young lad working
for Jackie Gleason, I...

We discussed
this already.

Well not this part.

I told you about
Bob Sterling.

What I didn't tell you is,
he was an absolute asshole.

I was just a young kid
trying to learn
and he was threatened.

And I swore I would
never be like that,

and yesterday I acted
like Bob Sterling.

I threatened you?

C'mon, look at you.

You're young, you're bright,
you're pretty.

That's what I was when
Larry first saw me.

I hate myself.

You got a sense of
humor to boot.

You know, Paula,

you were pushing
just a little too hard.

I still think there
are a few tricks

this old producer
might teach you.

I'd like that.

Great.

So I can stay?

Well, I'm sure that's
what Larry would want.

Good, then I'm gonna stay.

Buenos dias, jefe!
Morning.

I had a talk with Paula.
Yeah?

She said last night,

she saw a side of you
that she'd never seen.

She said you're
really a sweet guy.

Oh, she's sweet too.

What-- what is she doing here?

I talked her into staying.
Isn't that great?

No, that's
not great.

I told her that
I really liked her.

I wouldn't have done that
if I'd known she was staying.

We have no monologue.

♪ ♪