Original subtitles

Bravo, bravo!

Serving up another helping of the Sanders special:

laughs primavera.

What are you talking about?

The monologue was shit.

It was fine. The audience loved it.

I've haven't been stared at like that

since the last time I had sex.

Okay, it was a shit monologue.

When I find Phil, I will introduce his ass

to my good friend Mr. Florsheim.

I don't think you need to look much further.

(laughing)

That tickles, now it's my turn to tickle you.

Phil, hey!

What the hell is this, Plato's Retreat?

Artie, sorry, this is Jessica.

Hello, Jessica.

And this is Larry. Hiya.

Hello, I'd shake hands with you

but you were touching Phil's feet.

Come here, Phil, we want to talk to you for a moment.

Yeah, sure.

The monologue was weak, Phil.

It was a shit crowd.

It's been a shit crowd for a week and a half.

How long you been seeing that young lady?

A week... and a half.

Well, the monologue was weak.

It was a shit crowd!

Have you been hypnotized recently? Why?

Because I don't think this is getting through to you.

How many different ways can I put it?

The monologue was weak, it was shit,

it was not funny, it was early "Conan."

I want you to start working on

tomorrow night's monologue right now.

Okay, but if I start now,

it's gonna be stale by tomorrow afternoon.

Have you joined a cult?

What?

Yeah, the pussy cult.

Whenever I'm getting pussy, I'm not funny.

Well, you're never funny.

Okay, I will start writing the monologue,

just as soon as I see Jessica's band.

She's playing at The Viper Room.

Oh, The Viper Room, that will put you in the mood

to write comedy.

No one ever died there when it was Chasen's.

That's very funny. (laughs) Come on.

Nice meeting you.

Phil seems happy.

Real happy.

Real fucking happy.

Too fucking happy to write a joke.

Excuse me, Arthur,

Hank would like to see you for a minute.

It's important.

I'll be right back.

Hey.

Except for the weak monologue, very good show.

Thanks.

Did you enjoy Fishbone?

Huh? I loved Fishbone.

You were right, they're terrific.

And the notes for Billy Zane were to your liking?

Yeah, your notes are always good.

I couldn't do the interviews without your notes

because I don't have a natural curiosity about people.

That brings me to me.

Yeah, where are the notes on you?

I've been offered a job producing

"Caryl and Marilyn: Real Friends."

Who are they?

The mommies.

They have a daytime show now.

Why would you want to do a daytime show?

Granted, daytime doesn't thrill me,

but it would give me the opportunity to produce.

And as I've told you about a million times,

that's what I want to do.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, a little more money?

Yeah, the big bucks are in daytime TV.

So when, when would you be leaving?

The end of the week.

Well that's awfully soon.

I know, but I think we have enough people

to handle the load.

Becky's great, and I love Harriet.

I don't even know which one is Harriet.

You'll learn their names within the year.

I don't want you to go.

And I don't wanna go, but I've been here five years

and I can only derive a limited amount of personal satisfaction

from booking the parrot lady.

Alright.

What if I made you a producer?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

What would Artie say?

Artie will be fine with it.

Artie will remain the executive producer.

You'll work right under him.

But I would do more, I would produce?

I would produce this show?

With Artie?

We'll work it out.

And you'll be... producer.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

What's up, Hank?

Brian said you had something important to tell me?

Here, Artie, catch.

C'mon.

C'mon.

Throw it back.

Christ, Hank.

Isn't this fun?

Ho, ho, ho, the music stopped.

What music?

You win the prize.

What prize?

Well, I came up with an idea on

how to use that guy during the warm up.

And I just think it's gonna be a whole lot of fun.

It's called, "Hank's hot potato."

Uh-huh. There is a twist.

You see, I throw this guy out into the crowd

and they toss it around as the band plays,

but when the music stops

whoever has it wins the prize.

But Hank, in hot potato, the idea is to get

rid of the potato before the music stops.

I know, that's the twist.

But if they get a prize when they have it,

why would anybody throw it away?

Hey, Larry's getting killed out there the last few nights.

I'm just trying to help.

Fine!

How about this one then?

How about this? What's that?

Larry says, "I was shocked to see the tabloids

have now linked me sexually to both my hands."

It's not gonna work.

Why?

You know Larry only does the jerk-off jokes he writes.

Oh yeah, that's right.

What are you doing here this early?

Jessica dumped me.

What happened?

I don't know, I mean, we're at The Viper Room,

I told her her band was great.

And then the next minute we're out in the parking lot

and she tells me I make her sick.

Sorry to hear that, man.

Yeah, that's too bad.

We have to write the monologue now.

Hey, how about this?

It's just been discovered that crop circles

are caused by gophers and not aliens.

These gophers are also suspected of kidnapping farmers

and subjecting them to painful medical probes.

(laughing)

That's funny. Yeah. Okay, that's a keeper.

Let's write the rest of it.

Don't bother. I already did.

Ah, you're wearing my favorite cologne:

"Hilarity" by Larry Sanders.

Hey, listen, there's something I did today I want to mention to you.

What's that? I made Paula producer.

Uh, because, um...

she was going to actually leave the show

if I didn't and I think this will... this will be good.

I don't think we wanted to lose her.

She'll work right under you,

and I think she'll be a big help.

Fine. Good.

She was offered a job on "The Mommies."

I said it's fine.

Hank: ...Todd Bridges.

And by the way, I'm a dead man for telling you...

Larry Sanders!

(applause)

Did you see this, E! Entertainment

just fired the actor who portrayed O.J. Simpson

in the O.J. civil trial re-enactment show that they had.

And they've already found a replacement

for the $625 a week job.

O.J. Simpson!

(loud laughter)

He's doing great.

Sensational.

Congratulations on your promotion, Paula.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

You don't mind if I stand here with you, do you?

Where else would the new producer stand?

I'm really looking forward to working with you.

I remember when I made my move.

I was just about your age.

I was working for "The Great One," Jackie Gleason.

And I got an offer from Red Skelton.

So I went out to the golf course, I found Jackie and I said,

"Make me a producer or I'm out of here."

So he put me under the tutelage of the great Bob Sterling.

Wow, did you learn a lot?

Oh yes, and in six months I replaced him.

You don't have to worry about that.

Ha! That's exactly what I said to Bob Sterling.

Larry: The farmer who discovered the crop circles said it was

also gophers who submitted him and subjected him, rather,

to the painful anal probes.

(applause)

No flipping, we'll be right back

with all of our wonderful guests.

Man: Clear.

Hey, those jokes killed.

Ha, ha. What's up with Phil?

The gal dumped him.

And as we know pain equals funny.

Well, I hope our whole staff gets dumped.

Maybe we'd win an Emmy now and then. How true.

Shaq O'Neal's limo is caught in traffic.

Okay.

Funny monologue. Thank you.

Okay, Shaq O'Neal is late, so I think we should go

right into David Spade.

Larry's gonna talk to Angie for two segments

and then he'll talk to David Spade.

Spade's got some very funny stories.

Better than skinny dipping with JFK

in the White House swimming pool?

Hey, look, I can flirt with either of them, so.

Don't worry about it, it's just a suggestion.

Good luck with the rest of the show.

Is this a problem?

For me, no.

Hey, you're cooking, lad, get 'em.

(applause)

We're back...

There she is, the producer.

Look, we didn't get to help celebrate your promotion yesterday

so we went all-out this morning.

Oh, you know how well I react

to gestures of sentimentality.

Then blow out the candle.

Oh girl, give 'em hell.

Larry: But if you win for holding it,

then why would anyone throw it?

You still don't get it, do you?

Phil, good job on the monologue jokes last night.

Excellent, thank you.

What's wrong?

You've never thanked me before.

Well, the jokes were never that good before.

Well, thanks.

Whatever you're doing, keep doing it.

Now, how does this thing work?

This is the Larry Sanders joke kit.

All right. Hank gives you a set up,

and you fill it in with the flash cards.

Sounds "Philarious," let's try one.

Okay, may we proceed, please?

Larry, you're on.

Thank you.

Jeez!

I know many of you watch the-- watch me night after night.

I know I do, Larry.

That's funny.

Is this the way it's gonna be lit later on?

That's the way it's always been, Paula.

This is standard desk piece lighting.

Could we just try this?

Yeah, but he looks kind of green to me.

Seriously-- Well, I had a bad piece of fish.

The lighting's perfecto, let's go.

Thank you.

I think that we should throw a little red in there.

Paula, if you throw any red on Larry's face,

he's gonna look like the Cleveland Indians mascot.

Yeah, but without it, he looks ill.

I think we've always been too green.

Could we just try the red and move on with this?

Right.

Where-- where's he going?

Oy.

(rock music playing)

(shuts off music)

Jessica.

Phil.

Are you busy?

Maybe, what do you want?

We found Arthur.

Oh, thank god.

Was he at that strip club by the airport?

No, he was home.

Well, maybe I should call him.

Oh no, I wouldn't call him if I were you.

He, uh, had a few drinks.

Hey, Sandler's here,

Martha Stewart's making chicken stock,

and you need to go through makeup.

Well, help me pick out a tie.

Which one do you like?

I don't know. Artie picks out my tie.

Relax, it's a tie, pick one.

I have to do a show in 40 minutes.

I don't have time to pick out a tie.

Okay, hey, look at this one, it's perfect.

You don't think that will make my face look puffy?

It's a tie.

You put it on and you go to makeup.

Paula, I have to talk to you.

I'm very busy.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just listen to me.

This is important.

I asked Phil to write some patter for the debut

of "Hank's hot potato,"

but I hardly think he's captured the spirit of fun

with this kind of dialogue.

"I'm sure everyone here loves the old game hot potato,

"but I'll bet you're gonna like it even more

"when I tell you that I just pulled this potato

"right out of my big fat ass!

Here, catch."

Then the audience, in unison, shouts,

"Hey now, Hank, go fuck yourself!"

I mean, the audience isn't even supposed to have lines.

Beverly: Excuse me, Paula,

Sid said that Phil did not give him the monologue.

Oh, Christ!

Use another word. Well, who, who...

Who's dealing with my hot potato problem?

Is that addressed to me?

Pardon me?

I'm not the cook here.

Hey.

Hi, have you seen Phil?

He'll be right back.

He went to the kitchenette.

I don't think we've met. Hi.

I'm Paula, I produce the show.

Hey, Paula.

So, heard you guys played

The Viper Room the other night.

Yeah, we kicked ass.

Maybe you can kick ass on our show sometime?

Really? Yeah.

Have you seen the band?

I don't need to. Listen, umm...

Phil writes better and faster

when he's unhappy.

And we don't have tonight's monologue.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Where's the kitchenette?

That way.

This holiday, the biggest-selling toy was the "Tickle Me Elmo,"

which oddly enough is also--

that was your pick-up phrase in the '70s, wasn't it?

"Entertainment Weekly" published their list

of 101 most powerful people in Hollywood.

I'm not on the list but I'm very proud to say

that number 17 and 56 hate me and won't take my calls.

He's killing.

This is the craziest chick that I have ever met.

One minute she's fine, the next minute she's crazy.

It's like a fucking roller coaster.

I think she's hot.

(whimpering)

(laughter continues)

Larry: ...low blood sugar.

I want you to know what a great job you did today.

Thank you.

Look, um, I can't do this to Artie.

Wait a minute, are you firing me?

Look, I'll do anything I can for you.

And if you want your old job back...

I don't want my old job back!

I don't believe this!

I don't blame you for being angry,

I'm sorry, I just can't...

What, did I push too hard?

Did I do something wrong?

Did I not produce the show?

It isn't you, it's him. He's a big fucking baby

and I guess he just can't handle it so,

is the job at "The Mommies" filled?

"The Mommies"? I don't know! I don't know.

It's probably still open.

Who the fuck wants to produce "The Mommies"?

C'mon!

Umm... I'm gonna...

I'm gonna tell you something that I wouldn't tell you

if you weren't leaving. Is it gonna hurt my feelings?

No, I don't think it's gonna hurt your feelings.

I happen to really like you.

I mean, um, you know...

I'm not a happy man.

I know that I hide it pretty well but

the truth is, uh, I could always look forward to you

kind of making me smile and...

Me? Yeah, yeah.

In an odd way, I thought we've always understood each other.

You and me?

And I wouldn't say this to someone,

you know, that I was working with, but

I really like you, Paula.

Okay.

So maybe we can go out to dinner or something

when this is all, you know...

I don't think so. Why not?

I'm not your type, my breasts are real.

You know, I could get used to that.

Do you like me?

I mean, if you weren't working with me?

Sure, yes, I like you.

My god, you've got a wall up.

Okay, we'll go to dinner! All I'm telling you is that...

Fine, I'd like to go to dinner.

Geez, don't be so uptight.

Well, I've never been fired like this before.

(chuckling) We're gonna have such a good time.

(knocking)

(shuts off television)

Well, well, well, the great Larry Sanders.

Uh, may I come in? Why not? Entre vous.

Well, you missed nothing tonight.

The show was horrible.

Yeah?

Interviews were bad,

the lighting on the desk piece was way too red.

My face looked like that Indian Chief in...

Chief Wahoo.

Who?

The Cleveland Indians mascot, Chief Wahoo.

I swear to god Artie, it was awful.

The show can't function without you.

Oh c'mon, you're kidding.

You gotta come back.

Larry, I saw the show tonight on my satellite dish.

Oh.

Dammit, it was excellent.

Except for your tie. You shouldn't wear stripes, sonny.

They strobe and make your face look puffy.

When did you get a satellite dish?

I've had it about a month, 119 channels.

Really?

I was just watching some Australian rules football.

You want to stay?

I also got five porno channels.

I'll have a beer. Good.

I don't believe this, Paula.

It's really unfair.

I guess things just don't work out.

Oh, can I have your stapler?

Brian!

Excuse me, Paula, may I speak to you?

Yes, sir. Folks.

I suppose you got what you wanted, huh?

All I want is to do the best possible show.

You know, when I was a young lad working for Jackie Gleason, I...

We discussed this already.

Well not this part.

I told you about Bob Sterling.

What I didn't tell you is, he was an absolute asshole.

I was just a young kid trying to learn and he was threatened.

And I swore I would never be like that,

and yesterday I acted like Bob Sterling.

I threatened you?

C'mon, look at you.

You're young, you're bright, you're pretty.

That's what I was when Larry first saw me.

I hate myself.

You got a sense of humor to boot.

You know, Paula,

you were pushing just a little too hard.

I still think there are a few tricks

this old producer might teach you.

I'd like that.

Great.

So I can stay?

Well, I'm sure that's what Larry would want.

Good, then I'm gonna stay.

Buenos dias, jefe! Morning.

I had a talk with Paula. Yeah?

She said last night,

she saw a side of you that she'd never seen.

She said you're really a sweet guy.

Oh, she's sweet too.

What-- what is she doing here?

I talked her into staying. Isn't that great?

No, that's not great.

I told her that I really liked her.

I wouldn't have done that if I'd known she was staying.

We have no monologue.

♪ ♪