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1
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:09,030
Larry:
"When I was preparing my set
with McCaulay,
2
00:00:09,050 --> 00:00:10,120
"I used to have
a joke in my act,
3
00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,190
"I looked like
a lesbian art teacher
4
00:00:12,210 --> 00:00:13,290
"from Hartford, Connecticut.
5
00:00:14,009 --> 00:00:16,069
"I'm not a lesbian,
I can't even do improv.
6
00:00:16,089 --> 00:00:18,129
"I think people laugh
because of the cadence
of the words.
7
00:00:18,149 --> 00:00:20,119
The fact is, it was
a non sequitur."
8
00:00:20,140 --> 00:00:22,100
I'm telling you, Artie,
my, my life
9
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:24,000
is twice as interesting
as any of these people.
10
00:00:24,019 --> 00:00:26,049
You betcha,
you're fucking fascinating.
11
00:00:26,070 --> 00:00:28,040
Is this picture
airbrushed, by the way?
12
00:00:28,059 --> 00:00:29,159
Probably.
Yeah,
I think it is.
13
00:00:31,050 --> 00:00:32,190
Pollen is-- God.
14
00:00:32,210 --> 00:00:34,170
Why do you wanna
write a book, anyway?
15
00:00:34,189 --> 00:00:37,189
Well, first of all,
I've got a better title than
"Leading with My Chin."
16
00:00:37,210 --> 00:00:39,240
Writing a book
is something you save
17
00:00:39,259 --> 00:00:41,189
for just
right before you die
18
00:00:41,210 --> 00:00:43,030
when all you got to do
is watch the sunset,
19
00:00:43,049 --> 00:00:44,209
but we have got
a show to worry about.
20
00:00:44,229 --> 00:00:46,139
Well, Foxworthy
has a show.
21
00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:48,089
I know, but he'd have
a better show
22
00:00:48,109 --> 00:00:49,259
if he didn't write
all those goddamn books.
23
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,200
What do you think
Reiser got for this?
24
00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,059
Well, how the Christ
would I know?
25
00:00:53,079 --> 00:00:55,259
Oh, my God,
that must add up.
26
00:00:57,210 --> 00:00:58,230
(phone ringing)
27
00:00:58,250 --> 00:00:59,240
Woman:
Steven Grant's office.
28
00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:02,029
It's uh, Larry,
is Stevie in, please?
29
00:01:02,049 --> 00:01:04,159
One moment.
30
00:01:04,180 --> 00:01:06,160
Stevie:
Hey, hey, guess who
I just dumped
31
00:01:06,180 --> 00:01:07,240
so I could talk to you, huh?
32
00:01:07,260 --> 00:01:10,170
Fuckin' Fergie!
she wants to do a talk show.
33
00:01:10,189 --> 00:01:11,229
I think she might
fuck me, too.
34
00:01:11,250 --> 00:01:15,280
Stevie, what did Paul Reiser
get for writing his book?
35
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,260
Pick up
the phone.
36
00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:19,070
Fuck you,
fuck you, Stevie.
37
00:01:19,090 --> 00:01:21,100
What did he get
for writing it?
38
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,040
You're kidding.
39
00:01:23,060 --> 00:01:25,010
What'd Leno get?
40
00:01:25,030 --> 00:01:27,040
Oh, my God!
41
00:01:27,060 --> 00:01:28,240
And he still
goes on the road?
42
00:01:28,260 --> 00:01:30,090
What is that about?
43
00:01:30,109 --> 00:01:32,209
You think
I can get that?
44
00:01:32,229 --> 00:01:34,209
You're making
a mistake.
45
00:01:34,229 --> 00:01:37,099
No, I just have
the TV on kind of low.
46
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:41,250
Big, big mistake.
47
00:01:41,270 --> 00:01:43,080
What do you think
of this for a title...
48
00:01:43,099 --> 00:01:45,099
"Leading with My Ass"?
49
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,030
Oh!
Uh, Beverly Barnes?
50
00:01:47,049 --> 00:01:48,039
Yeah.
51
00:01:48,060 --> 00:01:49,060
Uh, where would you
like them?
52
00:01:49,079 --> 00:01:52,139
On my desk!
Over here!
53
00:01:52,159 --> 00:01:53,159
Could you
sign here, please?
54
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,240
Yes.
55
00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:57,140
Mmmm...
56
00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:58,159
Thank you.
57
00:01:58,180 --> 00:01:59,220
You're welcome.
Have a nice day.
58
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,000
Oh, my God,
they're beautiful!
59
00:02:02,019 --> 00:02:04,249
Who's it from?
Is there a card?
60
00:02:04,269 --> 00:02:05,269
Yeah.
61
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:12,099
"To the loveliest lady
I know."
62
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:14,120
Oh, my gosh,
there's no signature.
63
00:02:14,139 --> 00:02:17,289
Oh, sounds like somebody
has a secret admirer.
64
00:02:18,009 --> 00:02:20,219
Isn't that great
to know someone thinks
you're so special?
65
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,150
I bet it's James.
66
00:02:22,170 --> 00:02:23,210
James?
Yes.
67
00:02:23,229 --> 00:02:24,219
The network executive?
68
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,250
It's him.
69
00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:26,290
I don't think so.
70
00:02:27,009 --> 00:02:29,039
Yeah, I know it's James,
he comes here every Friday,
71
00:02:29,060 --> 00:02:31,040
he stops by my desk,
he says hello.
72
00:02:31,060 --> 00:02:33,260
Everybody goes by your desk,
everybody says hello,
that doesn't mean any--
73
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,050
It's him...
I know
it's him.
74
00:02:35,069 --> 00:02:37,069
Hey. Who'd you fuck
to get those?
75
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:40,130
She has
a secret admirer, Phil!
76
00:02:40,150 --> 00:02:41,190
Who?
77
00:02:41,210 --> 00:02:42,250
It's James.
78
00:02:42,270 --> 00:02:44,040
The network guy?
Yeah.
79
00:02:44,060 --> 00:02:45,270
There's no way
he'd send you anything
in secret.
80
00:02:45,289 --> 00:02:47,069
He's the kinda guy
that'd find a way
81
00:02:47,090 --> 00:02:48,250
to stamp his name
on all the petals.
82
00:02:48,270 --> 00:02:51,090
All I'm saying is
if, if Larry's gonna
write a book,
83
00:02:51,110 --> 00:02:53,000
I should at least know
what he's gonna write about.
84
00:02:53,020 --> 00:02:54,030
Oh, come on, you know
what it is,
85
00:02:54,050 --> 00:02:56,160
his life and times,
who he got to fuck,
86
00:02:56,180 --> 00:03:00,040
you know, the usual
Hollywood bullshit tell-all.
87
00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:03,109
Did you move
that palm?
88
00:03:03,129 --> 00:03:04,269
No.
89
00:03:04,289 --> 00:03:06,009
I just can't understand
90
00:03:06,030 --> 00:03:09,000
why people don't keep
their goddamn mitts
off my things.
91
00:03:09,020 --> 00:03:10,020
I'm fucked.
92
00:03:10,039 --> 00:03:11,179
He's gonna write
about the incident.
93
00:03:11,199 --> 00:03:13,039
What incident?
94
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:15,260
Oh, come on, you know,
you know, you--
Don't make me say it.
95
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,010
You mean everyone's favorite,
the sex tapes?
96
00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:19,050
No.
97
00:03:19,069 --> 00:03:21,069
The time you slipped
and chipped your tooth
on the urinal?
98
00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:23,220
Oh, my God,
I forgot all about that.
99
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,000
No, I wa-- I was,
I was thinking
about the time
100
00:03:26,020 --> 00:03:29,070
I masturbated before the show
and you caught me.
101
00:03:29,090 --> 00:03:31,060
I forgot
about that one.
102
00:03:31,079 --> 00:03:33,119
What am I gonna do
about Larry's book?
103
00:03:33,139 --> 00:03:36,179
Well... Hank,
I don't really know.
104
00:03:36,199 --> 00:03:37,199
But I tell ya,
105
00:03:37,219 --> 00:03:39,189
the next time...
before the show,
106
00:03:39,210 --> 00:03:42,030
when you feel the need
to whip your pony,
107
00:03:42,050 --> 00:03:44,110
I suggest
you lock the door.
108
00:03:44,129 --> 00:03:47,999
Thanks so much
for taking the time
to help me with this, Dana.
109
00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:50,050
It's okay.
110
00:03:50,069 --> 00:03:51,229
You sure you don't mind
being in the book?
111
00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:54,110
Ah, what the hell,
what do I care?
112
00:03:54,129 --> 00:03:58,089
Well, listen, I'm, uh,
I'm just gonna tell it all,
113
00:03:58,110 --> 00:03:59,210
so I want you
to feel free to be
114
00:03:59,229 --> 00:04:02,109
honestly completely honest
about all of it.
115
00:04:02,129 --> 00:04:05,179
First of all, I wanna know
how many times approximately
116
00:04:05,199 --> 00:04:07,059
did we make love?
117
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:14,260
Once.
118
00:04:16,129 --> 00:04:18,019
Gee, I thought
it was more than that.
119
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,170
Wasn't it more
in the area of 20
or something like that?
120
00:04:20,189 --> 00:04:22,029
Mm-mm. Once.
121
00:04:22,050 --> 00:04:25,060
Once... okay.
Positive.
122
00:04:25,079 --> 00:04:26,119
No, uh, wait, wait!
123
00:04:26,139 --> 00:04:29,029
Wait, there was the...
124
00:04:29,050 --> 00:04:32,090
There was that time
that, uh, we slept together,
125
00:04:32,110 --> 00:04:33,250
but I think that night...
126
00:04:33,269 --> 00:04:36,199
you had sex
with my body pillow.
127
00:04:36,220 --> 00:04:37,280
It was
my body pillow,
128
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,030
but I'll-- I'm happy to say
it was your... body pillow.
129
00:04:42,079 --> 00:04:43,129
Then I broke up
with you, right?
130
00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,079
No, I broke up
with you.
131
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:46,120
No, I broke up with you,
didn't I?
132
00:04:46,139 --> 00:04:48,269
Larry, I didn't hear from you
for two weeks.
133
00:04:48,290 --> 00:04:50,030
You were a jerk.
134
00:04:50,050 --> 00:04:52,210
That's right.
Uh-huh.
135
00:04:52,230 --> 00:04:56,210
Oh, and then, uh,
when you finally did call...
136
00:04:56,230 --> 00:04:57,210
Mm-hmm?
137
00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,070
You just wanted
to get together and have sex.
138
00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:02,010
Oh, God,
this is so interesting,
this is exactly
139
00:05:02,029 --> 00:05:03,199
the kind of stuff...
And, and when we did...
140
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,110
you couldn't get it up.
141
00:05:05,129 --> 00:05:08,209
Ah, this is just great.
142
00:05:08,230 --> 00:05:11,080
"I left Dana Delany
to be with Nicole Kidman,
143
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,060
"who left me
to be with Tom Cruise.
144
00:05:13,079 --> 00:05:16,289
"Dana just couldn't keep up
with me sexually.
145
00:05:17,009 --> 00:05:19,289
"I had been taking
20,000 units of vitamin A,
146
00:05:20,009 --> 00:05:21,199
which I later found out
did nothing."
147
00:05:21,220 --> 00:05:24,170
Oh, I think
vitamin's I-N, Larry.
148
00:05:24,189 --> 00:05:25,999
We're just going over
content now.
149
00:05:26,019 --> 00:05:27,089
Oh, oh... okay.
150
00:05:27,110 --> 00:05:29,240
"Um, to this day I have still
not found a woman
151
00:05:29,259 --> 00:05:31,249
"who can keep up
with me sexually.
152
00:05:31,269 --> 00:05:34,209
"With the possible exception
of Drew Barrymore
153
00:05:34,230 --> 00:05:36,290
and Dr. Ruth,"
that's funny.
154
00:05:37,009 --> 00:05:38,269
Isn't it? Isn't it?
155
00:05:38,290 --> 00:05:39,290
It's funny.
156
00:05:40,009 --> 00:05:41,099
Do you like that better
than the anecdote
157
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:43,120
about bumping into Courtney Cox
at the Pleasure Chest?
158
00:05:43,139 --> 00:05:44,259
Oh, no, you should
use 'em both.
159
00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:46,009
Both?
Yeah.
160
00:05:46,029 --> 00:05:47,189
Good, good.
Ooh, I'm gonna
be late.
161
00:05:47,209 --> 00:05:49,099
Where are you going?
Oh, uh, nowhere.
162
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:51,170
Um, do you want me
to have this typed up?
163
00:05:51,189 --> 00:05:53,169
Uh, let's wait until
the pad is filled,
164
00:05:53,189 --> 00:05:55,169
and then come back,
and I'll read you the part
165
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,069
about my dad not
taking me to the ball game.
166
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,220
Oh, oh, oh, okay.
167
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:10,220
James,
what a surprise!
Oh, hi, Beverly.
168
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,260
Oh, is it
Friday already?
169
00:06:12,279 --> 00:06:14,079
Yes, uh, yes it is.
170
00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:15,210
Are you waiting
to use the elevator?
171
00:06:15,230 --> 00:06:19,160
Oh, uh, no, I was just
wa-- um... I forgot.
172
00:06:19,180 --> 00:06:21,090
Well, you smell nice today.
173
00:06:21,110 --> 00:06:25,110
Oh, I, um, forgot
I put on perfume, too.
174
00:06:25,129 --> 00:06:26,149
How's the show tonight?
175
00:06:26,170 --> 00:06:28,220
Oh, it's a good show,
uh, great, pretty good.
176
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:30,080
Good, good. Who's on?
177
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:32,230
Um... uh, um...
178
00:06:32,250 --> 00:06:35,000
I, uh... I forgot.
179
00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:37,099
Gotta start taking
those gingko tablets.
Wow.
180
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,240
Aren't they
beautiful flowers?
181
00:06:38,259 --> 00:06:41,009
Yes, they are.
Who are they from?
182
00:06:41,029 --> 00:06:42,999
I'm... I'm not sure.
183
00:06:43,019 --> 00:06:46,289
Aha, a secret admirer, hmm.
184
00:06:47,009 --> 00:06:49,119
You are so funny.
185
00:06:49,139 --> 00:06:50,219
Is Larry in?
186
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,280
Uh, no, he's, he's not in.
187
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,040
Oh... well, uh...
188
00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:57,060
here are
the overnights.
189
00:06:57,079 --> 00:06:58,089
I thought Larry'd
wanna see them.
190
00:06:58,110 --> 00:06:59,270
We're up a ratings point
over Leno.
191
00:06:59,290 --> 00:07:01,110
That's wonderful.
192
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:02,259
Phil!
193
00:07:02,279 --> 00:07:04,289
James, is it Friday already?
194
00:07:05,009 --> 00:07:06,099
I had a thought.
195
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,250
Yeah, I had a feeling.
196
00:07:07,269 --> 00:07:10,099
Wouldn't it be funny
if you wrote a sketch
for Larry
197
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:11,210
where he plays
Burt Reynolds
198
00:07:11,230 --> 00:07:13,220
going on one of those
dating game type of shows?
199
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:17,100
(chuckles)
And all the contestants
look like Loni Anderson, right?
200
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,210
Yes!
201
00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:19,290
That's funny.
202
00:07:20,009 --> 00:07:23,119
I'm gonna go write that down
before I forget.
203
00:07:23,139 --> 00:07:26,279
You are so,
so funny.
204
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,120
"I said to Jack Lord,
'Do you have hemorrhoids?'
205
00:07:29,139 --> 00:07:31,119
"He said, 'No.'
I said, 'At last...
(knocking)
206
00:07:31,139 --> 00:07:35,019
I've met
a perfect asshole.'" What?
207
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:36,150
Hello!
208
00:07:36,170 --> 00:07:38,010
Hey. What was that?
209
00:07:38,029 --> 00:07:39,999
Oh, you mean the pad
I threw in my drawer?
Yeah.
210
00:07:40,019 --> 00:07:41,049
Just a pad.
211
00:07:41,069 --> 00:07:43,099
Oh. 'Cause it looks like
you were hiding it from me.
212
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:44,270
No, I wasn't.
213
00:07:44,290 --> 00:07:46,190
Let me see.
214
00:07:46,209 --> 00:07:49,109
Okay.
215
00:07:49,129 --> 00:07:51,099
Oh, shit,
the goddamn desk.
216
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:52,140
The drawer's stuck.
217
00:07:52,159 --> 00:07:54,149
Move your knee.
218
00:07:54,170 --> 00:07:56,230
Blocking it
with your knee.
219
00:07:56,250 --> 00:07:58,100
(chuckles)
220
00:08:04,279 --> 00:08:07,999
"I started producing
the Larry Sanders Show
in 1987.
221
00:08:08,019 --> 00:08:09,129
"I found it to be
nearly as exciting
222
00:08:09,149 --> 00:08:11,019
"as producing
some of the Broadway plays
223
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,070
I had done in the
early part of my career."
224
00:08:13,089 --> 00:08:15,169
It's just
my memoirs.
225
00:08:15,189 --> 00:08:18,179
Memoirs of what?
226
00:08:18,199 --> 00:08:21,099
About my life.
What the fuck
do you think a memoir is?
227
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,150
So you're
writing a book.
228
00:08:22,170 --> 00:08:24,040
Yes, I am.
229
00:08:24,060 --> 00:08:25,210
Have you
made a deal?
230
00:08:25,230 --> 00:08:27,260
I've had a deal
for a year.
231
00:08:27,279 --> 00:08:29,149
What has happened
to the world
232
00:08:29,170 --> 00:08:31,070
that nowadays anybody
can write a book?
233
00:08:31,089 --> 00:08:33,039
Anybody.
Anybody.
234
00:08:33,059 --> 00:08:34,099
Who wants to read
about a producer
235
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:35,210
when they can
read about a star?
236
00:08:35,230 --> 00:08:38,010
Well, which book
did you enjoy most,
237
00:08:38,029 --> 00:08:40,139
Johnny Carson's
or Fred de Cordova's?
238
00:08:40,159 --> 00:08:42,089
What a fuckin' ego.
239
00:08:42,110 --> 00:08:44,130
That should be
the title of your book!
240
00:08:48,159 --> 00:08:51,289
Oh, I had no idea
your drug problem was that bad.
Uh-huh.
241
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:55,019
You presented at the Emmys
when you were stoned?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
242
00:08:55,039 --> 00:08:57,079
That's why I kissed
Marla Gibbs in the,
uh, press room.
243
00:08:57,100 --> 00:08:58,190
Whoa, I didn't
know that.
244
00:08:58,210 --> 00:09:01,130
Yeah. It's interesting,
isn't it?
245
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,119
You had a provision
put in your contact
246
00:09:03,139 --> 00:09:05,149
that guaranteed you'd make
more than Leno?
247
00:09:05,169 --> 00:09:07,199
Well, how much
does Leno make?
248
00:09:07,220 --> 00:09:09,280
Less than me.
249
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,030
Interesting, huh?
250
00:09:11,049 --> 00:09:12,079
You threatened
to walk off the show
251
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:15,110
if the network
didn't redecorate
your dressing room?
252
00:09:15,129 --> 00:09:16,249
Isn't that
a great ending?
253
00:09:16,269 --> 00:09:18,169
Uh, yeah, yeah.
254
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:20,080
Okay, well, proof it
before we send it out,
255
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,160
and don't fuck it up.
256
00:09:21,179 --> 00:09:23,999
Of course not.
257
00:09:29,159 --> 00:09:31,029
Larry, here it is!
258
00:09:31,049 --> 00:09:33,999
The first galley proof,
the publishers love it.
259
00:09:34,019 --> 00:09:37,019
Oh, my God,
I've never read it
straight through.
260
00:09:37,039 --> 00:09:38,039
How does it read?
261
00:09:38,059 --> 00:09:39,229
Oh, it's really,
it's really interesting.
262
00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:40,240
Really?
263
00:09:40,259 --> 00:09:43,169
Yeah, they wanna
publish it right away.
264
00:09:43,190 --> 00:09:45,150
I'm gonna read it
right now.
265
00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:47,179
Congratulations.
266
00:10:00,110 --> 00:10:03,160
Ah, that was fast.
How was it?
267
00:10:03,179 --> 00:10:04,999
Larry?
268
00:10:06,049 --> 00:10:07,109
Larry!
269
00:10:10,139 --> 00:10:12,029
I'm fucked.
270
00:10:12,049 --> 00:10:13,239
If Larry tells them
about the time
I masturbated
271
00:10:13,259 --> 00:10:16,219
before the show,
I'll never be able
to show my face in public.
272
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:19,010
Why were you masturbating
before the show?
273
00:10:19,029 --> 00:10:21,209
You see? It's
an interesting story,
isn't it?
274
00:10:21,230 --> 00:10:25,100
Ah, that fucker,
he's gonna put it
in the book, I can smell it.
275
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,250
Don't boxers abstain
from any type
of sexual activity
276
00:10:28,269 --> 00:10:29,259
before a big fight?
277
00:10:29,279 --> 00:10:33,019
Yes,
because they are pussies.
278
00:10:33,039 --> 00:10:35,009
What I find...
279
00:10:35,029 --> 00:10:37,169
a little
sexual stimulation
280
00:10:37,190 --> 00:10:41,270
before the show
relaxes and centers me.
281
00:10:44,009 --> 00:10:45,219
Oh, my God!
282
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:47,100
What?
283
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,000
What if he has
the pictures?
284
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,029
What's going on?
285
00:10:55,049 --> 00:10:56,069
Look, Artie, I don't know.
286
00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:57,190
He, he started
reading his book,
287
00:10:57,210 --> 00:10:59,280
and then he came down here
and locked himself up
in the grip room.
288
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:04,110
Okay Why don't you
go get...
Oh, some frozen yogurt. Yes.
289
00:11:04,129 --> 00:11:07,049
Larry!
290
00:11:07,070 --> 00:11:10,040
It's Artie.
How you doin', baby?
291
00:11:10,059 --> 00:11:11,159
Believe me,
I know how you feel.
292
00:11:11,179 --> 00:11:14,149
I mean, I know
you're just... you're just
completely worn out
293
00:11:14,169 --> 00:11:15,229
from writing
this book.
294
00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:17,220
But, you know, we got about
30 minutes to do the show.
295
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:20,150
Yeah, well,
I'm not coming out, Artie.
296
00:11:20,169 --> 00:11:22,119
Does this got anything to do
with me writing a book?
297
00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:24,189
You don't get it, Artie.
This is not about you.
298
00:11:24,210 --> 00:11:26,090
This is about me,
this is about my life.
299
00:11:26,110 --> 00:11:28,190
I've never seen it
all laid out like this,
for God sakes.
300
00:11:28,210 --> 00:11:30,150
It's not interesting.
It's fucking pathetic.
301
00:11:30,169 --> 00:11:33,039
Larry:
It's about nothing
but fucking greed and lust
302
00:11:33,059 --> 00:11:35,089
and self-loathing
and anger,
303
00:11:35,110 --> 00:11:36,210
and let me
tell you something...
304
00:11:36,230 --> 00:11:38,140
that is not
what I'm like!
305
00:11:41,129 --> 00:11:43,049
Arthur?
306
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:45,120
People are asking
where Larry is.
307
00:11:45,139 --> 00:11:46,239
What did ya tell 'em?
308
00:11:46,259 --> 00:11:49,019
I told them
he went for a walk.
309
00:11:49,039 --> 00:11:50,279
Yeah.
310
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,260
Listen to me.
Come here.
311
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:55,249
If he comes out,
312
00:11:55,269 --> 00:11:58,079
just grab him,
tackle him, whatever,
313
00:11:58,100 --> 00:12:01,020
and then
hit the fire alarm, okay?
314
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:04,250
Okay, sweetheart!
315
00:12:04,269 --> 00:12:08,219
I'll see you later, baby!
316
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,030
Mary Lou:
Larry?
317
00:12:11,049 --> 00:12:12,109
Who's that?
318
00:12:12,129 --> 00:12:15,029
It's Mary Lou!
319
00:12:15,049 --> 00:12:16,259
What are you doing?
320
00:12:16,279 --> 00:12:21,189
Larry:
God... God, I hate
my fucking life!
321
00:12:21,210 --> 00:12:25,020
You look so great.
He's so happy you're here.
How's your dear boy?
322
00:12:25,039 --> 00:12:26,199
Oh, he's fine.
Where's Larry?
323
00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:28,130
Uh, he's changing
his wardrobe.
324
00:12:28,149 --> 00:12:30,189
Well, I wanna do
a comedy bit
with Larry on the panel,
325
00:12:30,210 --> 00:12:32,030
but I really wanna
run it by him.
326
00:12:32,049 --> 00:12:35,009
Well, while we're waiting,
why don't you bounce it
off me?
327
00:12:35,029 --> 00:12:37,099
No. I can't do it
a million times,
328
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,140
it won't be fresh to me...
and then I'm fucked.
329
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:42,129
Oh, can't have that.
You're absolutely right,
must be fresh.
330
00:12:42,149 --> 00:12:44,009
I'll get Larry.
In the meantime,
331
00:12:44,029 --> 00:12:45,269
why don't you try
the sushi?
332
00:12:45,289 --> 00:12:48,199
The fresh water eel
has your name on it, hey!
333
00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:50,290
Marlee,
you know Brooke, hey?
334
00:12:51,009 --> 00:12:54,049
Okay, I'll get Larry.
Thank you.
335
00:12:54,070 --> 00:12:56,010
He is
so full of shit.
336
00:12:56,029 --> 00:12:58,149
Larry:
Mary Lou, you don't think
I'm just fuckin'
337
00:12:58,169 --> 00:13:02,089
full of self-loathing, do you?
No!
338
00:13:02,110 --> 00:13:04,060
Artie,
what's going on?
339
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:06,000
Hey, Bruno!
Hey, you lucky dog.
340
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,019
Brooke and Marlee,
they're askin' for ya.
341
00:13:08,039 --> 00:13:09,139
I, I don't care about that.
342
00:13:09,159 --> 00:13:12,089
My assistant just told me
that Larry's having a breakdown
343
00:13:12,110 --> 00:13:13,270
and he's locked himself
in a closet?
344
00:13:13,289 --> 00:13:15,109
That's a bunch
of horse shit.
345
00:13:15,129 --> 00:13:17,229
That's his routine
before the show,
he meditates.
346
00:13:17,250 --> 00:13:19,110
Look, Artie,
I don't wanna
be here either,
347
00:13:19,129 --> 00:13:21,099
all right?
But I'm a professional.
348
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:24,180
I've managed to keep
my mental problems
away from my work.
349
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,200
Hey, Bruno,
with you the show
is going to glitter, baby.
350
00:13:27,220 --> 00:13:29,230
Come on, we need ya!
You bumped me 50 times!
351
00:13:29,250 --> 00:13:32,020
15!
15, 50, I don't give a shit!
352
00:13:32,039 --> 00:13:33,199
I just wish
I could come here once
353
00:13:33,220 --> 00:13:35,230
and get
some professional treatment!
354
00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:37,020
Larry?
355
00:13:37,039 --> 00:13:38,269
Larry!
356
00:13:38,289 --> 00:13:41,079
Larry,
we have frozen yogurt
for you.
357
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:42,090
It looks
pretty good.
358
00:13:42,110 --> 00:13:43,270
Doesn't it
look good, Mary Lou?
359
00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:45,059
Yeah!
360
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:48,100
Okay. Mary Lou,
we need a replacement
for Bruno Kirby.
361
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:49,230
But he's here,
isn't he?
362
00:13:49,250 --> 00:13:51,180
No, he threw
a tantrum, he left.
363
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,120
Did I do something wrong
in the pre-interview?
364
00:13:53,139 --> 00:13:56,099
No, no, no.
We need a replacement.
Let's call the studio.
365
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,120
Hang in there.
Larry...
366
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,069
the frozen yogurt's
melting.
367
00:14:03,090 --> 00:14:05,220
Beverly, I understand
there's a problem.
368
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:06,280
Is there something
I can do?
369
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,020
Oh, no, no.
370
00:14:08,039 --> 00:14:10,049
We're, uh, handling it
all right, uh, James.
371
00:14:10,070 --> 00:14:12,290
Uh, I... I got the chocolates.
372
00:14:13,009 --> 00:14:14,009
What chocolates?
373
00:14:14,029 --> 00:14:15,169
Oh, the chocolates
you sent me.
374
00:14:15,190 --> 00:14:17,150
Beverly, I didn't send you
any chocolates.
375
00:14:17,169 --> 00:14:19,179
Oh, sure you did,
you sent me chocolates.
376
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:22,040
You sent me those flowers
and those shells, and...
377
00:14:22,059 --> 00:14:25,109
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
378
00:14:25,129 --> 00:14:28,049
Well... Um...
379
00:14:30,190 --> 00:14:32,220
Oh. Um...
380
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,250
would you, uh...
381
00:14:35,269 --> 00:14:38,159
excuse me just, uh...
for a minute?
382
00:14:38,179 --> 00:14:39,169
Sure.
383
00:14:39,190 --> 00:14:42,110
Thank you.
384
00:14:42,129 --> 00:14:45,019
Larry:
God, I hate
my fuckin' life.
385
00:14:47,019 --> 00:14:48,229
Larry?
386
00:14:48,250 --> 00:14:49,250
You want me to
steal the book?
387
00:14:49,269 --> 00:14:51,019
Shh, shh, shh...
388
00:14:51,039 --> 00:14:53,139
Hi. How you folks
doin' tonight?
389
00:14:54,139 --> 00:14:55,279
I don't want you
to steal the book,
390
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,060
I want you
to borrow it.
391
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:58,280
Hank, I can't
get the pages.
392
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:00,020
Why, why not?
393
00:15:00,039 --> 00:15:01,079
Because Larry's got them all,
394
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,030
and he's gone
and locked himself
in the grip room.
395
00:15:03,049 --> 00:15:05,099
Larry's locked
in the grip room?
396
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,110
Yeah.
397
00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:14,219
Hey.
398
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:16,050
What's up,
foxy lady?
399
00:15:16,070 --> 00:15:18,210
Hey.
400
00:15:18,230 --> 00:15:21,250
James wasn't the one
sendin' me all those gifts.
401
00:15:21,269 --> 00:15:24,089
Oh... I know.
402
00:15:24,110 --> 00:15:25,180
How do you know?
403
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,220
Because it was me.
404
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,190
It was you?
405
00:15:29,210 --> 00:15:30,220
Mm-hm.
406
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,270
(stammers)
It was you, Brian?
407
00:15:32,289 --> 00:15:35,179
Do you realize how
I just embarrassed myself?
408
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,270
-I'm sorry.
-I...
409
00:15:37,289 --> 00:15:40,079
-I'm-- I just-- I--
-You're sorry.
410
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:43,110
I just didn't--
I just didn't realize you'd get
so carried away with it.
411
00:15:43,129 --> 00:15:44,159
You know what, Brian,
412
00:15:44,179 --> 00:15:46,019
if this was the end
of next week,
413
00:15:46,039 --> 00:15:47,249
I would realize
how well you meant,
414
00:15:47,269 --> 00:15:50,129
but for right now, you know,
you can take those,
those chocolates
415
00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:51,169
and those shells,
416
00:15:51,190 --> 00:15:53,280
and you shove 'em
where the sun don't shine!
417
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,090
Oh, and you
take the flowers, too.
418
00:15:57,110 --> 00:16:01,060
Larry, it's Brooke.
Are you in there?
419
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,080
He's so odd.
420
00:16:04,179 --> 00:16:06,149
"I went through the same thing
with William Hurt once.
421
00:16:06,169 --> 00:16:08,109
It was a nightmare."
422
00:16:08,129 --> 00:16:10,249
Arthur, we've got
a replacement.
423
00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:12,019
Dr. Joyce Brothers.
424
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:15,209
Oh, that's
just great.
425
00:16:15,230 --> 00:16:19,050
God... uh, now
we need a guest host
on standby, um...
426
00:16:19,070 --> 00:16:20,120
Call Seinfeld.
427
00:16:20,139 --> 00:16:22,019
Golfing.
428
00:16:22,039 --> 00:16:23,059
Roseanne?
429
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,070
Busy.
430
00:16:24,090 --> 00:16:25,090
Bill Maher.
431
00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:26,150
Oh, shit, they've all
written books.
432
00:16:26,169 --> 00:16:29,039
Okay, call my buddy
Jon Stewart.
433
00:16:29,059 --> 00:16:31,999
What's the matter,
sweetie? Huh?
434
00:16:32,019 --> 00:16:34,059
Oh, God! Did we lose
Brooke shields?
435
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,180
No.
436
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:38,190
I just found out
who my secret admirer is.
437
00:16:38,210 --> 00:16:42,030
Oh, could it be that cute
executive James?
438
00:16:42,049 --> 00:16:43,249
No.
439
00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:45,089
It's Brian.
440
00:16:45,110 --> 00:16:46,160
Our Brian?
441
00:16:46,179 --> 00:16:49,259
You know, Artie,
I know he was trying
to be nice and all,
442
00:16:49,279 --> 00:16:53,169
but when a gay man
is the only one
writing you poetry,
443
00:16:53,190 --> 00:16:55,290
it makes you feel like
a real charity case.
444
00:16:56,009 --> 00:16:57,279
Oh, sweetie,
I know how you feel.
445
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,090
You know, when my fourth wife
quit me, I threw a party.
446
00:17:01,110 --> 00:17:04,120
But I cried for days
when you left me.
447
00:17:04,140 --> 00:17:07,050
So I thought that we would act
like we'd been together
the night before
448
00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:09,039
and had sex,
and you left something
at my apartment,
449
00:17:09,059 --> 00:17:12,039
but then it turns out
to be totally innocent.
450
00:17:12,059 --> 00:17:15,099
"Brooke,
that was my idea."
451
00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:17,139
But I'm on first,
too bad.
452
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:21,000
"But... it's really
my idea."
453
00:17:21,019 --> 00:17:23,029
But I'm on first.
454
00:17:26,039 --> 00:17:27,209
What did she say?
455
00:17:29,269 --> 00:17:31,089
Jack,
what did she say?
456
00:17:31,109 --> 00:17:33,019
"What a cunt."
457
00:17:39,089 --> 00:17:40,099
"Larry."
458
00:17:44,289 --> 00:17:45,999
"Are you deaf
or something?"
459
00:17:46,019 --> 00:17:47,139
Marlee?
460
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:48,260
Jack:
"Yes, hello."
461
00:17:48,279 --> 00:17:50,229
"Look, listen, you gotta
come out of there, Larry,
462
00:17:50,250 --> 00:17:53,160
because there are a lot
of people who really
care about you."
463
00:17:53,180 --> 00:17:55,120
Larry:
That's sweet of you
to say, Marlee,
464
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:58,200
but I-- I'm
not coming out.
465
00:17:58,220 --> 00:18:01,220
"Larry, I brought some clips
from my movie.
466
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,150
I need
to promote it!"
467
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:05,100
I'll handle this.
468
00:18:07,109 --> 00:18:10,179
Larry? It's Hank.
469
00:18:12,089 --> 00:18:14,219
Hank Kingsley.
470
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:18,190
Uh, Larry, listen,
it's, uh, you know,
15 minutes to show time.
471
00:18:18,210 --> 00:18:20,270
Come on,
you haven't missed one yet.
Let's go, buddy!
472
00:18:20,289 --> 00:18:22,289
I'm there for ya
because I love ya.
473
00:18:23,009 --> 00:18:24,219
I-- I think you're
the greatest.
474
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:27,050
Hank:
Okay, listen, if you
don't wanna come out,
475
00:18:27,069 --> 00:18:30,289
how 'bout, uh, you know,
sliding the pages
underneath the, uh, the door?
476
00:18:31,009 --> 00:18:32,029
How 'bout that?
477
00:18:32,049 --> 00:18:34,029
Larry:
Hank, can you,
can you hear me?
478
00:18:34,049 --> 00:18:35,249
I can, buddy.
479
00:18:35,269 --> 00:18:38,139
Larry:
Go fuck yourself.
480
00:18:39,180 --> 00:18:40,190
Larry, listen,
did you--
481
00:18:40,210 --> 00:18:43,130
did you put in
that stuff about me?
482
00:18:43,150 --> 00:18:45,230
Larry:
Buy the book.
483
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:48,070
Yes... yes, Melody, but...
484
00:18:48,089 --> 00:18:52,039
I am aware that we can't run
"The Best of Larry."
485
00:18:53,130 --> 00:18:54,230
Yes, Melody.
486
00:18:54,250 --> 00:18:57,100
Well, wait. Would you
do me a favor
487
00:18:57,119 --> 00:18:59,269
and have a good
rest of your evening?
488
00:18:59,289 --> 00:19:02,079
It's hard to look
at your life, Larry.
489
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:06,089
Dr. Joyce Brothers:
We all have illusions
about ourselves.
490
00:19:06,109 --> 00:19:09,159
Now that you've taken
a good, hard look at yourself,
491
00:19:09,180 --> 00:19:11,040
you can learn.
492
00:19:12,069 --> 00:19:15,099
All I've learned is
that I'm a selfish asshole.
493
00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:17,019
Dr. Joyce Brothers:
Well, there's nothing wrong
494
00:19:17,039 --> 00:19:19,049
with a bit
of selfishness.
495
00:19:19,069 --> 00:19:22,159
Who's gonna take care
of Larry but Larry?
496
00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:24,050
Trust me,
497
00:19:24,069 --> 00:19:26,129
I'm a professional psychologist.
498
00:19:26,150 --> 00:19:28,220
You don't have a large ass.
499
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:31,080
Thanks.
500
00:19:31,099 --> 00:19:33,099
Dr. Joyce Brothers:
Say, are we gonna
tape a show today?
501
00:19:33,119 --> 00:19:36,069
Because if not, I can
still beat the traffic.
502
00:19:36,089 --> 00:19:37,179
Hank, get ready, buddy!
503
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:41,000
Richard, let's do it,
start the band!
504
00:19:43,009 --> 00:19:44,139
Artie, uh,
you're not gonna
505
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:47,030
start the show
without Larry, are you?
506
00:19:47,049 --> 00:19:48,059
Yes.
507
00:19:48,079 --> 00:19:49,999
Without Larry.
508
00:19:50,019 --> 00:19:52,009
(theme music playing)
509
00:19:52,029 --> 00:19:54,069
Hank:
Live on tape
from Hollywood,
510
00:19:54,089 --> 00:19:55,129
the Larry Sanders Show.
511
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:57,050
Tonight, join Larry
and his guests
512
00:19:57,069 --> 00:19:58,279
Brooke Shields,
Marlee Matlin,
513
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,020
Dr. Joyce Brothers,
514
00:20:00,039 --> 00:20:02,279
and me, "Hey now"
Hank Kingsley.
515
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,290
And now, because he loves you
like you love him,
516
00:20:06,009 --> 00:20:09,079
Larry...
517
00:20:09,099 --> 00:20:10,269
Sanders!
518
00:20:10,289 --> 00:20:14,179
(cheers and applause)
519
00:20:23,279 --> 00:20:26,069
(cheering)
520
00:20:28,099 --> 00:20:31,029
He can't
help himself.
521
00:20:31,049 --> 00:20:32,169
Larry:
Thank you.
522
00:20:32,190 --> 00:20:34,060
Thanks so much.
523
00:20:34,079 --> 00:20:35,289
Thanks, I'm sorry
I'm a little late,
524
00:20:36,009 --> 00:20:38,049
I had trouble gettin' the noose
off the chandelier.
525
00:20:38,069 --> 00:20:40,209
Gary?
It's Artie.
526
00:20:40,230 --> 00:20:42,000
(laughs)
527
00:20:42,019 --> 00:20:44,119
Would you, uh, please tell
the publisher for me
528
00:20:44,140 --> 00:20:46,160
that I've got the
final story for my book?
529
00:21:11,089 --> 00:21:13,159
Oh... fuck.
530
00:21:13,180 --> 00:21:16,270
(theme music playing)
37878
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