Original subtitles

Larry: "When I was preparing my set with McCaulay,

"I used to have a joke in my act,

"I looked like a lesbian art teacher

"from Hartford, Connecticut.

"I'm not a lesbian, I can't even do improv.

"I think people laugh because of the cadence of the words.

The fact is, it was a non sequitur."

I'm telling you, Artie, my, my life

is twice as interesting as any of these people.

You betcha, you're fucking fascinating.

Is this picture airbrushed, by the way?

Probably. Yeah, I think it is.

Pollen is-- God.

Why do you wanna write a book, anyway?

Well, first of all, I've got a better title than "Leading with My Chin."

Writing a book is something you save

for just right before you die

when all you got to do is watch the sunset,

but we have got a show to worry about.

Well, Foxworthy has a show.

I know, but he'd have a better show

if he didn't write all those goddamn books.

What do you think Reiser got for this?

Well, how the Christ would I know?

Oh, my God, that must add up.

(phone ringing)

Woman: Steven Grant's office.

It's uh, Larry, is Stevie in, please?

One moment.

Stevie: Hey, hey, guess who I just dumped

so I could talk to you, huh?

Fuckin' Fergie! she wants to do a talk show.

I think she might fuck me, too.

Stevie, what did Paul Reiser get for writing his book?

Pick up the phone.

Fuck you, fuck you, Stevie.

What did he get for writing it?

You're kidding.

What'd Leno get?

Oh, my God!

And he still goes on the road?

What is that about?

You think I can get that?

You're making a mistake.

No, I just have the TV on kind of low.

Big, big mistake.

What do you think of this for a title...

"Leading with My Ass"?

Oh! Uh, Beverly Barnes?

Yeah.

Uh, where would you like them?

On my desk! Over here!

Could you sign here, please?

Yes.

Mmmm...

Thank you.

You're welcome. Have a nice day.

Oh, my God, they're beautiful!

Who's it from? Is there a card?

Yeah.

"To the loveliest lady I know."

Oh, my gosh, there's no signature.

Oh, sounds like somebody has a secret admirer.

Isn't that great to know someone thinks you're so special?

I bet it's James.

James? Yes.

The network executive?

It's him.

I don't think so.

Yeah, I know it's James, he comes here every Friday,

he stops by my desk, he says hello.

Everybody goes by your desk, everybody says hello, that doesn't mean any--

It's him... I know it's him.

Hey. Who'd you fuck to get those?

She has a secret admirer, Phil!

Who?

It's James.

The network guy? Yeah.

There's no way he'd send you anything in secret.

He's the kinda guy that'd find a way

to stamp his name on all the petals.

All I'm saying is if, if Larry's gonna write a book,

I should at least know what he's gonna write about.

Oh, come on, you know what it is,

his life and times, who he got to fuck,

you know, the usual Hollywood bullshit tell-all.

Did you move that palm?

No.

I just can't understand

why people don't keep their goddamn mitts off my things.

I'm fucked.

He's gonna write about the incident.

What incident?

Oh, come on, you know, you know, you-- Don't make me say it.

You mean everyone's favorite, the sex tapes?

No.

The time you slipped and chipped your tooth on the urinal?

Oh, my God, I forgot all about that.

No, I wa-- I was, I was thinking about the time

I masturbated before the show and you caught me.

I forgot about that one.

What am I gonna do about Larry's book?

Well... Hank, I don't really know.

But I tell ya,

the next time... before the show,

when you feel the need to whip your pony,

I suggest you lock the door.

Thanks so much for taking the time to help me with this, Dana.

It's okay.

You sure you don't mind being in the book?

Ah, what the hell, what do I care?

Well, listen, I'm, uh, I'm just gonna tell it all,

so I want you to feel free to be

honestly completely honest about all of it.

First of all, I wanna know how many times approximately

did we make love?

Once.

Gee, I thought it was more than that.

Wasn't it more in the area of 20 or something like that?

Mm-mm. Once.

Once... okay. Positive.

No, uh, wait, wait!

Wait, there was the...

There was that time that, uh, we slept together,

but I think that night...

you had sex with my body pillow.

It was my body pillow,

but I'll-- I'm happy to say it was your... body pillow.

Then I broke up with you, right?

No, I broke up with you.

No, I broke up with you, didn't I?

Larry, I didn't hear from you for two weeks.

You were a jerk.

That's right. Uh-huh.

Oh, and then, uh, when you finally did call...

Mm-hmm?

You just wanted to get together and have sex.

Oh, God, this is so interesting, this is exactly

the kind of stuff... And, and when we did...

you couldn't get it up.

Ah, this is just great.

"I left Dana Delany to be with Nicole Kidman,

"who left me to be with Tom Cruise.

"Dana just couldn't keep up with me sexually.

"I had been taking 20,000 units of vitamin A,

which I later found out did nothing."

Oh, I think vitamin's I-N, Larry.

We're just going over content now.

Oh, oh... okay.

"Um, to this day I have still not found a woman

"who can keep up with me sexually.

"With the possible exception of Drew Barrymore

and Dr. Ruth," that's funny.

Isn't it? Isn't it?

It's funny.

Do you like that better than the anecdote

about bumping into Courtney Cox at the Pleasure Chest?

Oh, no, you should use 'em both.

Both? Yeah.

Good, good. Ooh, I'm gonna be late.

Where are you going? Oh, uh, nowhere.

Um, do you want me to have this typed up?

Uh, let's wait until the pad is filled,

and then come back, and I'll read you the part

about my dad not taking me to the ball game.

Oh, oh, oh, okay.

James, what a surprise! Oh, hi, Beverly.

Oh, is it Friday already?

Yes, uh, yes it is.

Are you waiting to use the elevator?

Oh, uh, no, I was just wa-- um... I forgot.

Well, you smell nice today.

Oh, I, um, forgot I put on perfume, too.

How's the show tonight?

Oh, it's a good show, uh, great, pretty good.

Good, good. Who's on?

Um... uh, um...

I, uh... I forgot.

Gotta start taking those gingko tablets. Wow.

Aren't they beautiful flowers?

Yes, they are. Who are they from?

I'm... I'm not sure.

Aha, a secret admirer, hmm.

You are so funny.

Is Larry in?

Uh, no, he's, he's not in.

Oh... well, uh...

here are the overnights.

I thought Larry'd wanna see them.

We're up a ratings point over Leno.

That's wonderful.

Phil!

James, is it Friday already?

I had a thought.

Yeah, I had a feeling.

Wouldn't it be funny if you wrote a sketch for Larry

where he plays Burt Reynolds

going on one of those dating game type of shows?

(chuckles) And all the contestants look like Loni Anderson, right?

Yes!

That's funny.

I'm gonna go write that down before I forget.

You are so, so funny.

"I said to Jack Lord, 'Do you have hemorrhoids?'

"He said, 'No.' I said, 'At last... (knocking)

I've met a perfect asshole.'" What?

Hello!

Hey. What was that?

Oh, you mean the pad I threw in my drawer? Yeah.

Just a pad.

Oh. 'Cause it looks like you were hiding it from me.

No, I wasn't.

Let me see.

Okay.

Oh, shit, the goddamn desk.

The drawer's stuck.

Move your knee.

Blocking it with your knee.

(chuckles)

"I started producing the Larry Sanders Show in 1987.

"I found it to be nearly as exciting

"as producing some of the Broadway plays

I had done in the early part of my career."

It's just my memoirs.

Memoirs of what?

About my life. What the fuck do you think a memoir is?

So you're writing a book.

Yes, I am.

Have you made a deal?

I've had a deal for a year.

What has happened to the world

that nowadays anybody can write a book?

Anybody. Anybody.

Who wants to read about a producer

when they can read about a star?

Well, which book did you enjoy most,

Johnny Carson's or Fred de Cordova's?

What a fuckin' ego.

That should be the title of your book!

Oh, I had no idea your drug problem was that bad. Uh-huh.

You presented at the Emmys when you were stoned? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

That's why I kissed Marla Gibbs in the, uh, press room.

Whoa, I didn't know that.

Yeah. It's interesting, isn't it?

You had a provision put in your contact

that guaranteed you'd make more than Leno?

Well, how much does Leno make?

Less than me.

Interesting, huh?

You threatened to walk off the show

if the network didn't redecorate your dressing room?

Isn't that a great ending?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, proof it before we send it out,

and don't fuck it up.

Of course not.

Larry, here it is!

The first galley proof, the publishers love it.

Oh, my God, I've never read it straight through.

How does it read?

Oh, it's really, it's really interesting.

Really?

Yeah, they wanna publish it right away.

I'm gonna read it right now.

Congratulations.

Ah, that was fast. How was it?

Larry?

Larry!

I'm fucked.

If Larry tells them about the time I masturbated

before the show, I'll never be able to show my face in public.

Why were you masturbating before the show?

You see? It's an interesting story, isn't it?

Ah, that fucker, he's gonna put it in the book, I can smell it.

Don't boxers abstain from any type of sexual activity

before a big fight?

Yes, because they are pussies.

What I find...

a little sexual stimulation

before the show relaxes and centers me.

Oh, my God!

What?

What if he has the pictures?

What's going on?

Look, Artie, I don't know.

He, he started reading his book,

and then he came down here and locked himself up in the grip room.

Okay Why don't you go get... Oh, some frozen yogurt. Yes.

Larry!

It's Artie. How you doin', baby?

Believe me, I know how you feel.

I mean, I know you're just... you're just completely worn out

from writing this book.

But, you know, we got about 30 minutes to do the show.

Yeah, well, I'm not coming out, Artie.

Does this got anything to do with me writing a book?

You don't get it, Artie. This is not about you.

This is about me, this is about my life.

I've never seen it all laid out like this, for God sakes.

It's not interesting. It's fucking pathetic.

Larry: It's about nothing but fucking greed and lust

and self-loathing and anger,

and let me tell you something...

that is not what I'm like!

Arthur?

People are asking where Larry is.

What did ya tell 'em?

I told them he went for a walk.

Yeah.

Listen to me. Come here.

If he comes out,

just grab him, tackle him, whatever,

and then hit the fire alarm, okay?

Okay, sweetheart!

I'll see you later, baby!

Mary Lou: Larry?

Who's that?

It's Mary Lou!

What are you doing?

Larry: God... God, I hate my fucking life!

You look so great. He's so happy you're here. How's your dear boy?

Oh, he's fine. Where's Larry?

Uh, he's changing his wardrobe.

Well, I wanna do a comedy bit with Larry on the panel,

but I really wanna run it by him.

Well, while we're waiting, why don't you bounce it off me?

No. I can't do it a million times,

it won't be fresh to me... and then I'm fucked.

Oh, can't have that. You're absolutely right, must be fresh.

I'll get Larry. In the meantime,

why don't you try the sushi?

The fresh water eel has your name on it, hey!

Marlee, you know Brooke, hey?

Okay, I'll get Larry. Thank you.

He is so full of shit.

Larry: Mary Lou, you don't think I'm just fuckin'

full of self-loathing, do you? No!

Artie, what's going on?

Hey, Bruno! Hey, you lucky dog.

Brooke and Marlee, they're askin' for ya.

I, I don't care about that.

My assistant just told me that Larry's having a breakdown

and he's locked himself in a closet?

That's a bunch of horse shit.

That's his routine before the show, he meditates.

Look, Artie, I don't wanna be here either,

all right? But I'm a professional.

I've managed to keep my mental problems away from my work.

Hey, Bruno, with you the show is going to glitter, baby.

Come on, we need ya! You bumped me 50 times!

15! 15, 50, I don't give a shit!

I just wish I could come here once

and get some professional treatment!

Larry?

Larry!

Larry, we have frozen yogurt for you.

It looks pretty good.

Doesn't it look good, Mary Lou?

Yeah!

Okay. Mary Lou, we need a replacement for Bruno Kirby.

But he's here, isn't he?

No, he threw a tantrum, he left.

Did I do something wrong in the pre-interview?

No, no, no. We need a replacement. Let's call the studio.

Hang in there. Larry...

the frozen yogurt's melting.

Beverly, I understand there's a problem.

Is there something I can do?

Oh, no, no.

We're, uh, handling it all right, uh, James.

Uh, I... I got the chocolates.

What chocolates?

Oh, the chocolates you sent me.

Beverly, I didn't send you any chocolates.

Oh, sure you did, you sent me chocolates.

You sent me those flowers and those shells, and...

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Well... Um...

Oh. Um...

would you, uh...

excuse me just, uh... for a minute?

Sure.

Thank you.

Larry: God, I hate my fuckin' life.

Larry?

You want me to steal the book?

Shh, shh, shh...

Hi. How you folks doin' tonight?

I don't want you to steal the book,

I want you to borrow it.

Hank, I can't get the pages.

Why, why not?

Because Larry's got them all,

and he's gone and locked himself in the grip room.

Larry's locked in the grip room?

Yeah.

Hey.

What's up, foxy lady?

Hey.

James wasn't the one sendin' me all those gifts.

Oh... I know.

How do you know?

Because it was me.

It was you?

Mm-hm.

(stammers) It was you, Brian?

Do you realize how I just embarrassed myself?

-I'm sorry. -I...

-I'm-- I just-- I-- -You're sorry.

I just didn't-- I just didn't realize you'd get so carried away with it.

You know what, Brian,

if this was the end of next week,

I would realize how well you meant,

but for right now, you know, you can take those, those chocolates

and those shells,

and you shove 'em where the sun don't shine!

Oh, and you take the flowers, too.

Larry, it's Brooke. Are you in there?

He's so odd.

"I went through the same thing with William Hurt once.

It was a nightmare."

Arthur, we've got a replacement.

Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Oh, that's just great.

God... uh, now we need a guest host on standby, um...

Call Seinfeld.

Golfing.

Roseanne?

Busy.

Bill Maher.

Oh, shit, they've all written books.

Okay, call my buddy Jon Stewart.

What's the matter, sweetie? Huh?

Oh, God! Did we lose Brooke shields?

No.

I just found out who my secret admirer is.

Oh, could it be that cute executive James?

No.

It's Brian.

Our Brian?

You know, Artie, I know he was trying to be nice and all,

but when a gay man is the only one writing you poetry,

it makes you feel like a real charity case.

Oh, sweetie, I know how you feel.

You know, when my fourth wife quit me, I threw a party.

But I cried for days when you left me.

So I thought that we would act like we'd been together the night before

and had sex, and you left something at my apartment,

but then it turns out to be totally innocent.

"Brooke, that was my idea."

But I'm on first, too bad.

"But... it's really my idea."

But I'm on first.

What did she say?

Jack, what did she say?

"What a cunt."

"Larry."

"Are you deaf or something?"

Marlee?

Jack: "Yes, hello."

"Look, listen, you gotta come out of there, Larry,

because there are a lot of people who really care about you."

Larry: That's sweet of you to say, Marlee,

but I-- I'm not coming out.

"Larry, I brought some clips from my movie.

I need to promote it!"

I'll handle this.

Larry? It's Hank.

Hank Kingsley.

Uh, Larry, listen, it's, uh, you know, 15 minutes to show time.

Come on, you haven't missed one yet. Let's go, buddy!

I'm there for ya because I love ya.

I-- I think you're the greatest.

Hank: Okay, listen, if you don't wanna come out,

how 'bout, uh, you know, sliding the pages underneath the, uh, the door?

How 'bout that?

Larry: Hank, can you, can you hear me?

I can, buddy.

Larry: Go fuck yourself.

Larry, listen, did you--

did you put in that stuff about me?

Larry: Buy the book.

Yes... yes, Melody, but...

I am aware that we can't run "The Best of Larry."

Yes, Melody.

Well, wait. Would you do me a favor

and have a good rest of your evening?

It's hard to look at your life, Larry.

Dr. Joyce Brothers: We all have illusions about ourselves.

Now that you've taken a good, hard look at yourself,

you can learn.

All I've learned is that I'm a selfish asshole.

Dr. Joyce Brothers: Well, there's nothing wrong

with a bit of selfishness.

Who's gonna take care of Larry but Larry?

Trust me,

I'm a professional psychologist.

You don't have a large ass.

Thanks.

Dr. Joyce Brothers: Say, are we gonna tape a show today?

Because if not, I can still beat the traffic.

Hank, get ready, buddy!

Richard, let's do it, start the band!

Artie, uh, you're not gonna

start the show without Larry, are you?

Yes.

Without Larry.

(theme music playing)

Hank: Live on tape from Hollywood,

the Larry Sanders Show.

Tonight, join Larry and his guests

Brooke Shields, Marlee Matlin,

Dr. Joyce Brothers,

and me, "Hey now" Hank Kingsley.

And now, because he loves you like you love him,

Larry...

Sanders!

(cheers and applause)

(cheering)

He can't help himself.

Larry: Thank you.

Thanks so much.

Thanks, I'm sorry I'm a little late,

I had trouble gettin' the noose off the chandelier.

Gary? It's Artie.

(laughs)

Would you, uh, please tell the publisher for me

that I've got the final story for my book?

Oh... fuck.

(theme music playing)