Original subtitles

Larry: Most people know you, from "Full House."

We've had, I think, all the cast members on.

Dave, Bob, John... We've had Dave, Bob, John Stamos...

I came down here when John was doing your show.

Yes, John. That's right, you came with John.

You're good friends, huh? Yes, he's a very good friend of mine.

And, yeah, he's a very nice guy. And you've really blossomed into a beautiful woman, if I may say.

Thank you. (applause)

You know, you are, by the way, going to really like, uh, these people.

Do you have this CD? No, I don't.

Well, you're-- I'm gonna give you this.

Yes, I'm gonna give you this right after the show.

Do you have a CD player?

Well, you're not gonna need it.

(audience laughs)

My next guests are a great band from Texas.

Their new CD is called "Electric Larryland",

and listen to this,

the song they're gonna sing is called "Ulcer Breakout".

This is all about me, my doctor wrote this song.

Here they are, Butthole Surfers!

(audience cheers and applauds) (rock music plays)

♪ You ever fall in love with a lie? ♪

♪ Ever fall in love with a lie? ♪

♪ Ever felt a gun for the trigger? ♪

♪ Ever fell so fast you could die? ♪

♪ Got to be at least 500 inches ♪

♪ Cubic inches never certified by law ♪

(music plays) Do you wanna come over?

What? You wanna come over and watch the show?

Can't. I can't.

No, I'm talking to her.

What? I'm talking to her.

Okay!

He's an idiot.

Okay, I will.

(vocalizes)

♪ Yeah ♪

(coughing)

I can't breathe.

Water? I can't breathe.

(music continues)

(cheering and applause)

Butthole Surfers. We'll be right back.

No flipping! Butthole Surfers!

Larry: (indistinct) was that? How are you doing, man?

You're welcome back any time, I love fire. (band laughs)

Hey, man, we're gonna be in LA or the next few months to work on our new LP.

What?

Huh?

We're gonna be in LA for the next few months. Oh, great, great.

Well, have a-- Thanks for being here. Really. Nice job.

Well, we'll see you-- Let's get together, go hang out at a club or something

Oh, that's a great idea, yeah, we'll hang out, at the club. (stammers)

I'll get my assistant to give you my...

Really? my, uh, service number.

There's a Michelle Holloway here to see you.

That's not the Korean woman from the commissary, is it?

I don't think "Holloway" is a Korean name.

Don't take that tone with me, all right?

Okay.

Just send her in.

Okay. Great.

Mr. Kingsley,

I-- I'm Michelle from Jake Stein's office.

Jake Stein my attorney or Jake Stein my accountant?

Uh-- uh-- Jake Stein, your attorney.

Uh, I'm new with the firm.

I... and I just wanna say it's a real pleasure to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh, um, I have some, uh, contracts here for you to sign.

Um, just right there.

You all right?

Yeah. (clears throat)

You're a lawyer?

No, no, no, I'm a-- a paralegal.

Paralegal?

I always thought that was a lawyer in a wheelchair.

(laughs)

That was very funny.

I'm sure you hear that all the time.

No. No, not really.

Thank you.

Okay. Bye bye.

Bye.

Um, uh, uh, would you happen to know any place that's nearby

that I could, uh, uh, stop for a quick bite to eat?

Well, there's The Smokehouse. It's very good.

But, uh, it has steaks and, you know, chops.

I mean, you're-- you're a vegetarian, right?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm from Oklahoma. That's cattle country.

Someone who still eats red meat. Yeah.

That's very refreshing.

Well, The Smokehouse is good.

Thank you.

I-- I would consider it an honor to, uh, buy you dinner.

Uh, um, I would love that.

Well, come on, come on, let's-- let's adjourn.

(laughs)

Okay. (giggling)

Oh, here it is, that commercial

with those three chicks walking on the beach. Oh, my god.

The one on the right has a killer rack!

Oh, no, my friend. The one in the middle is the shit.

Come walk to Daddy...

huh, now rewind it and come on back.

Look at her, she's trying to be all innocent, huh?

You're not innocent. No, you're naughty.

I got to meet this naughty girl. You know, man,

why don't you, uh, find out who her agent is.

Maybe he'll hook it up for you.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a great idea.

(chuckles)

What are you talking about? I was kidding. What, are you gonna call her in?

Yeah, you bet your ass! You can't do that!

Why not? She's an actress, this is a TV show.

Yeah, but we don't have anything for her.

I got something for her.

Larry: This doesn't sound like surf music to me.

Does it sound like surf music to you?

No. I don't know why they call it surf music,

'cause butthole and surfing shouldn't be put together.

To me, someone's ass is gonna get waxed, (laughs)

so I don't think that's a good thing.

Call me crazy, but you gotta stop somewhere,

and you don't wanna get your ass waxed.

Bob Saget says that all the time.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Bob? He says-- Yeah, all the time.

That's good to know.

You want some more cheese?

Yeah, that would be great. Okay.

You know, my housekeeper is the one who cuts it up into the cubes.

so I'll just, uh, bring the slab in.

Great. Is that all right?

Yeah, I like it like that. I do. Okay.

Is that you-- your wallet that's-- Yeah.

It's cute, you got a little fish on there.

(both chuckle)

Well, it's a big fish, uh, but the thing is, is, uh...

Artie gave that to me. Really?

It's a whole fishing tackle box wallet combination.

Uh-huh. Just get the cheese.

And h-- how about some more wine?

Oh, yeah, but, you know, the housekeeper's not here, so we'll have to drink it--

we'll drink it out of the bottle. so we'll have to drink it--

Straight.

I've never met anybody who eats mud pie.

Mm, well, I do.

What?

What?

You're just... you're so real.

Oh, come on.

Now you have to try some.

Here you go.

Be careful.

Chocolate is an aphrodisiac,

and the mud part is all chocolate.

Oh, my God. What?

I think it's working.

(both laugh)

(sighs)

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Hank, I have to go and call the sitter.

Sitter? The dog sitter? Um...

No, the, uh, babysitter.

Um, I--

I have a six-year-old son.

Well, isn't that--

Isn't that just great.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that!

A lot of men lose interest after they hear that.

I mean, and, well, and quite frankly, Roger--

Is that-- is that your husband?

No, that's my son.

He doesn't seem to like many of the men that I meet.

Oh, well, I-- I love kids.

Really?

Oh! I mean, kids are great. They have energy...

Oh! (laughs)

Well-- well then, you'd love Roger.

You know what, why-- why don't you, uh, why don't you

bring him down to the, uh, to the show?

Oh, my. Oh, he'd be thrilled. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I'd love to meet him and, you know, give him

a first-class tour around a big television studio.

You think he'd like that?

Oh, super!

I mean, this woman is terrific, Artie.

And she lives with her son, in get this, Chatsworth,

and-- and they have one car, it's American.

I-- I don't know anyone who has an American car anymore.

What do you mean? I drive an American car.

It's a hell of a lot better

than these rice burners and strudel wagons

the rest of the these assholes in Hollywood drive!

All right, all right, I-- I meant no offense.

It's just that I am so excited to finally--

to meet a-- a-- a real person, and her son,

wow, he-- he sounds great.

I-- I think he needs a father figure.

You think you can handle that?

Of course I can.

Well, what about little Miguelito from Peru?

You know, the kid that you adopted through Sally Struthers?

All his letters piled up like goddamn junk mail.

Well, what am I supposed to do? He wrote them in Spanish!

You see, this is not gonna happen with Roger

because he's local.

I don't know.

These people sound very real to me.

You better stay the fuck away from 'em.

All right, what do you want me to do?

You just want me to just keep dating these vapid Hollywood bimbos?

Yes!

Let me tell you something.

Show folk belong with show folk, Hank.

If you're not careful,

you're gonna mess this kid up and his mom.

Whoa, whoa.

Mama-loosa!

Trava-loosa, caboosa!

Great ass too.

Can you help me?

I'm looking for Phil's office

and I can't seem to find it.

Oh, that's because Phil doesn't have an office.

Jennette?

Phil? Hey, nice to meet you.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Hi. Why don't we, uh, head into my office.

(laughing)

Beverly, would you hold all my calls?

Thank you.

Did you find parking okay?

Mm-hmm. Okay.

So who's that girl with Phil?

Oh, I-- I do not know.

Nice ass, huh?

Come on, say it. Nice ass.

Okay, well, she, uh, has a nice ass...

Yeah. for a white girl.

Beverly?

Beverly: No, you ask him.

Larry, my niece is having a raffle at her school. Larry: Yeah?

Can I hit you up for a ticket?

Oh, sure, sure. How much is it?

20 bucks. 20 bucks.

I hope it's a day of beauty.

(both chuckle)

What's wrong?

My money's missing.

Gosh, Larry, if you don't wanna buy one,

you can just say so!

The money's gone. No, I believe you.

So what's the sketch about?

Well, um, you know, it's-- it's not really

a-- a sketch per se.

It-- it's more like a concept, at this point. (door opening)

Hi. Keith, hi, we're in a meeting.

Yeah, I realize that.

I just thought our lovely guest

might like a delightful beverage

or one of these equally delightful cookies.

You'd like a cookie, right?

No, thank you.

Oh come on, have a cookie.

So there's nothing for me to read?

Keith: You want something to read?

We got papers here, we got everything.

Will you shut up?

You know, Lori Loughlin took my money.

Aw, come on.

No, I'm telling you. When I went for the cheese.

When you went for "the cheese"?

That's what you're calling it now? (laughs)

No, she was at my house, right, Yeah.

and she was playing with my wallet. Yeah, I'll bet! (laughs)

Listen, you gotta be very careful

when you accuse a friend of stealing money because

many years ago, I was in New York with Lenny Bruce

and, uh, he accused me of taking 50 bucks from him,

and, uh, it turned very ugly and I popped him.

You know, you've told me this story before

and, uh, you took the money.

That may be,

but I'm just trying to warn you.

You better keep your guard up

because Lori's going to pop you.

There's "love" on-- on these pictures.

Who the fuck wrote that?

I did. Why?

Well, it's for the affiliates. (door opens)

Knock, knock.

Hi, uh...

I-- I know-- I know we're early.

It's just they were so speedy over there at Midas Muffler.

Midas Muffler.

Do you understand what I'm talking about?

Uh-oh, you must be Susan.

(men laugh)

You must be Roger.

How you doing, champ?

Fine.

They took my mom's car and lifted it way up high.

Wow! Well, I'm gonna scoot.

Now, make sure you sign those head shots.

We gotta send them to Sacramento.

Bye bye. Bye.

Sacramento, that's the capital of California.

Wow, you are correct.

You must-- you must be very smart.

He's kind of a whiz at geography.

Really?

Yeah, if you can say a state, I can say the capital.

New York?

Albany.

Wow!

Florida?

Tallahassee.

Wow!

South Dakota?

Pierre.

What's the capital of North Dakota,

Pepe Le Pew?

(all laugh) You're funny, Mr. Kingsley.

And you are very good at geography, Mr. Roger.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I think he really likes you.

Well, that's a coincidence because I think I really like you.

I brought you some mud pie for later.

Do you want to ask me some more capitals?

I have a better idea.

How would you like to come on our-- our show

and play this geography game with me and Larry?

Michelle: Roger on TV?

Would you like that?

Huh? Would you like to be on TV?

Sure! Michelle: Oh, super!

Michelle and Roger: Super duper!

All right! Ohh. Ow.

Hey, Larry. Hi.

Lori! I was just on the lot,

I thought I'd stop by and say hi. Oh, nice to see you.

You look great. Nice to see you. How are you?

Those are beautiful earrings. Oh, thanks.

I-- I got them today. Oh, really?

Yeah, I used the money I got from, uh-- My wallet?

What?

There's m-- There's some money missing from my wallet.

Did you see any money when I-- at the house?

'Cause it's just been on my mind there's $250 missing, and I can't find it.

You know what? I-- I'm getting the feeling here

that you think I took money from your wallet. (scoffs)

All right, Larry, you know what? This your problem.

I didn't take any money from you. No, no, no.

I'm sorry I even stopped by here. You know what happened?

I probably over-tipped the parking valet. That's it.

You know what? I always give 'em a couple of hundred bucks

because you know what? You know, they know me. You really need to look at this.

No, no, no, no, no. I swear to God, she took the money.

I know she fucking took the money.

Where the hell do you get the authority to--

to book somebody without telling me?

But Artie, this kid is-- is-- is terrific!

He's pure gold! He's a geography whiz!

He knows where everything is!

Does he know where your head is?

Because I think it's up your ass!

Well, he's a lot better than that stupid myna bird

that was supposed to sing show tunes,

and just shit on Larry's hand!

That bird was supposed to shit on Larry's hand.

Where the hell is kale?

Come on, Reba McEntire doesn't need to do two songs.

Some guy left her and she's broke.

Big fucking deal! We got it the first time!

No way, we're already booked. You know, we can't do it!

I'm gonna lay it out for you.

Oh, do that.

This is the first girl that I-- I-- I have met

since my marriage broke up that I-- I really care for.

No shit.

No.

Artie please. I fucked up.

I told the little kid that he was gonna be on the show.

It's-- it's gonna break his heart.

How old's this kid?

The kid is six.

Nice kid?

He's a great kid.

You got one fucking segment, Hank. That's it.

All right.

Keith: Take as much as you want, ladies.

There's plenty more.

Brian, what the hell is going on?

Oh, ask Hef.

Well, it was great meeting you.

And I have your phone number.

I'll definitely give you a call, Michelle.

Um, and listen, thank you for bringing in all those outfits.

Okay?

Hey, Phil?

Yeah?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Oh, uh, Phil is bringing in actresses

just so he can meet them.

You're shameless.

You don't see me setting up fake meetings

just to meet Ed Asner.

You know, Phil, What?

you pulled some sleazy crap in your time,

but this takes the cake.

Beverly, kiss my ass.

You show it bare.

Hey, could you guys keep it down a little bit?

Yeah, the girls are a little skittish.

They're not horses, Phil.

Why didn't he dress up?

Excuse me, I'm, uh, looking for a Phil.

Yeah, I'm Phil.

Hi, I'm Gary Rindels, Jennette Robbins' agent.

Oh, yeah, nice to meet you.

I was wondering if it was, you know, possible for me to get a copy

of the script that Jennette's gonna be reading.

Well, uh, you know, we're in the middle of a rewrite on the script.

We're punching it up and everything,

so I don't have a script for you yet.

But, uh, you know, Jennette came in, very talented girl,

and I really enjoyed meeting her.

You know what I think? Hm?

I don't think there is a script.

I don't think that there ever was a script.

Boggles the mind, Mr. Rindels.

This sort of thing happens in the movies maybe,

but we had no idea this sort of behavior

was being conducted on the very premises

of "The Larry Sanders Show"!

Yeah, well, it was completely unprofessional.

We couldn't agree more!

We told Keith it was a bad idea--

Shut the fuck up, Phil!

But I'm certain that we could come to some sort of solution

that will be agreeable to everybody.

Larry: How did you get that, uh, that job?

Um, on an audition, casting. Really?

Okay, so what happens?

You go in there and you have to wear a bathing suit?

Uh, yeah. Pretty much? Yeah.

That's how I got this job. Honestly. (audience laughs)

And you know what's odd is I wear a two-piece.

(laughs)

Why don't we take a break and we'll come right back?

No flipping.

(audience cheers and applauds)

Man: Clear!

Just lovely, my dear. Just lovely. Thank you.

Oh, Mary Lou will walk you out.

Thank you.

How you doing, chief?

How you feeling?

Is that-- is that the girl who was with Phil?

I believe so.

Yeah, well, did anyone do a pre-interview with her?

Because it was very-- Well, you gotta work with new people every now and then.

Now you have to concentrate on your next guest,

precocious Roger Holloway.

The geography boy? Yes, yes. Geography expert.

What's happening? Why-- why didn't Reba McEntire do two songs?

Reba, she was anxious to get on the road.

There's a big Turquoise and Silver Fair Something seems...

in Santa Fe tomorrow. By the way, I-- I think

Lori Loughlin took, uh, you know, my money,

and she seems-- You just have to-- you just have to forget all that.

Just go on with life.

Man: Back in five! I'll be watching. You're doing great.

Come on.

(audience cheers and applauds)

Welcome back.

My next guest, uh, is a, uh...

is joining us, uh, for the first time. Hank: That's right.

and he is a six-year-old geography expert That's right.

from, uh, right here in, uh, the Los Angeles area.

Please welcome Roger Holloway.

Roger Holloway. (audience cheers and applauds)

How you doing, Roger?

Fine.

Good, good, good, good, good. And how old are you?

Six. Six?

And you evidently are an expert in world geography?

All right.

Well, let's give you a little test.

We got a map here of the, uh, of the world.

And I'm gonna point to, uh, some countries

and you tell me what they are, okay?

(chuckles) Okay.

Let's start with something easy.

This little country, right here.

Let me-- Should I give you a clue?

It looks like a boot and in Europe.

Hank: Come on, you know this.

He-- he knew all the capitals of all the states w-- backstage.

He was terrific.

Come on.

Starts with an 'I', ends with a 'Y'.

(fingers snapping)

Hank, don't snap at him. He's not a-- Hank: Well...

he's not-- You just gotta look at them. You're not looking at the map.

Look at the map. I think he's looking at the map.

There you go. (Larry mutters)

Just look at the map.

Don't touch the boy.

Aw, gee. Nice booking.

The kid froze.

Hank!

I would just like you to know that

I am not gonna be seeing you anymore.

All right, let me-- let me--

There is nothing to explain, Hank.

You are a grown man.

You had no reason to attack him like that.

Well, he-- he did great. It-- it went great.

He is not in show business, Hank.

He is just a little boy.

I warned you, didn't I? But you never listen.

Do-- do you know any bimbos?

You know, I've seen kids with Michael Jackson less nervous.

Just remember, this show is not about you getting laid,

it's about Larry getting laid.

Larry.

John. Hey, how are you doing?

Hey, man. Good to see you.

Great show, it was funny.

Hey, thanks. Great show.

What are you doing here?

Um, listen, I need to, uh,

I talk to you about Lori Loughlin...

if I could.

Can we go in here and talk about that?

Listen, I-- I don't know how to tell you

how sorry I am about that because I--

I just thought that she took the money and, uh,

I could have made a mistake. Right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're misunderstood.

I came down here because, uh...

she-- well. she did take the money.

I know, it's weird. It's-- it's...

She's, um, she's had this problem for a while now.

Really? Yeah, and she-- she was embarrassed and she wanted me

to bring the money down here because she didn't,

you know-- you know-- Yeah, I mean,

you could imagine how it...

Oh, my God. Yeah, I know, it's weird. It's weird.

I mean-- There was 250 in the wallet.

Hmm?

There was 250 in the wallet. There's $200 here.

(laughs)

Is that a new earring?

(end music playing)