All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S05E09_English

Larry:
Most people know you,
from "Full House."

We've had, I think, all
the cast members on.

Dave, Bob, John...
We've had Dave,
Bob, John Stamos...

I came down here when John
was doing your show.

Yes, John. That's right,
you came with John.

You're good friends, huh?
Yes, he's a very
good friend of mine.

And, yeah, he's a very nice guy.
And you've really blossomed into
a beautiful woman, if I may say.

Thank you.
(applause)

You know, you are,
by the way, going to
really like, uh, these people.

Do you have
this CD?
No, I don't.

Well, you're--
I'm gonna give you this.

Yes, I'm gonna give you this
right after the show.

Do you have a
CD player?

Well, you're not
gonna need it.

(audience laughs)

My next guests are a
great band from Texas.

Their new CD is called
"Electric Larryland",

and listen to this,

the song they're gonna sing
is called "Ulcer Breakout".

This is all about me,
my doctor wrote this song.

Here they are,
Butthole Surfers!

(audience cheers and applauds)
(rock music plays)

♪ You ever fall in love
with a lie? ♪

♪ Ever fall in love
with a lie? ♪

♪ Ever felt a gun
for the trigger? ♪

♪ Ever fell so fast
you could die? ♪

♪ Got to be
at least 500 inches ♪

♪ Cubic inches
never certified by law ♪

(music plays)
Do you wanna come over?

What?
You wanna come over
and watch the show?

Can't. I can't.

No, I'm talking to her.

What?
I'm talking to her.

Okay!

He's an idiot.

Okay, I will.

(vocalizes)

♪ Yeah ♪

(coughing)

I can't breathe.

Water?
I can't breathe.

(music continues)

(cheering and applause)

Butthole Surfers.
We'll be right back.

No flipping!
Butthole Surfers!

Larry: (indistinct) was that?
How are you doing, man?

You're welcome back any time,
I love fire.
(band laughs)

Hey, man, we're gonna be in LA
or the next few months
to work on our new LP.

What?

Huh?

We're gonna be in LA
for the next few months.
Oh, great, great.

Well, have a--
Thanks for being here.
Really. Nice job.

Well, we'll see you--
Let's get together, go hang out
at a club or something

Oh, that's a great idea,
yeah, we'll hang out,
at the club. (stammers)

I'll get my assistant
to give you my...

Really?
my, uh, service number.

There's a Michelle Holloway
here to see you.

That's not the Korean woman
from the commissary, is it?

I don't think "Holloway"
is a Korean name.

Don't take that tone
with me, all right?

Okay.

Just send her in.

Okay.
Great.

Mr. Kingsley,

I-- I'm Michelle from
Jake Stein's office.

Jake Stein my attorney
or Jake Stein my accountant?

Uh-- uh-- Jake Stein,
your attorney.

Uh, I'm new with the firm.

I... and I just wanna say
it's a real pleasure
to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh, um, I have some,
uh, contracts here
for you to sign.

Um, just right there.

You all right?

Yeah. (clears throat)

You're a lawyer?

No, no, no,
I'm a-- a paralegal.

Paralegal?

I always thought that was
a lawyer in a wheelchair.

(laughs)

That was
very funny.

I'm sure you hear
that all the time.

No. No, not really.

Thank you.

Okay.
Bye bye.

Bye.

Um, uh, uh, would
you happen to know
any place that's nearby

that I could, uh, uh, stop
for a quick bite to eat?

Well, there's The Smokehouse.
It's very good.

But, uh, it has steaks
and, you know, chops.

I mean, you're--
you're a vegetarian, right?

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

I'm from Oklahoma.
That's cattle country.

Someone who still
eats red meat.
Yeah.

That's very refreshing.

Well, The Smokehouse
is good.

Thank you.

I-- I would consider it an
honor to, uh, buy you dinner.

Uh, um, I would love that.

Well, come on, come on,
let's-- let's adjourn.

(laughs)

Okay.
(giggling)

Oh, here it is,
that commercial

with those three chicks
walking on the beach.
Oh, my god.

The one on the right
has a killer rack!

Oh, no, my friend.
The one in the middle
is the shit.

Come walk
to Daddy...

huh, now rewind it
and come on back.

Look at her, she's trying
to be all innocent, huh?

You're not innocent.
No, you're naughty.

I got to meet
this naughty girl.
You know, man,

why don't you, uh,
find out who her agent is.

Maybe he'll hook it up
for you.

Yeah. Yeah, that's
a great idea.

(chuckles)

What are you talking about?
I was kidding. What, are you
gonna call her in?

Yeah, you bet your ass!
You can't do that!

Why not? She's an actress,
this is a TV show.

Yeah, but we don't have
anything for her.

I got something
for her.

Larry:
This doesn't sound like
surf music to me.

Does it sound like
surf music to you?

No.
I don't know why
they call it surf music,

'cause butthole and surfing
shouldn't be put together.

To me, someone's ass
is gonna get waxed,
(laughs)

so I don't think
that's a good thing.

Call me crazy, but you
gotta stop somewhere,

and you don't wanna
get your ass waxed.

Bob Saget says that
all the time.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Bob?
He says-- Yeah, all the time.

That's good to know.

You want some
more cheese?

Yeah, that
would be great.
Okay.

You know, my housekeeper
is the one who cuts it up
into the cubes.

so I'll just, uh,
bring the slab in.

Great.
Is that all right?

Yeah, I like it
like that. I do.
Okay.

Is that you--
your wallet that's--
Yeah.

It's cute, you got
a little fish on there.

(both chuckle)

Well, it's a big fish, uh,
but the thing is, is, uh...

Artie gave that to me.
Really?

It's a whole fishing
tackle box wallet combination.

Uh-huh.
Just get the cheese.

And h-- how about
some more wine?

Oh, yeah, but, you know,
the housekeeper's not here,
so we'll have to drink it--

we'll drink it out
of the bottle.
so we'll have to drink it--

Straight.

I've never met anybody
who eats mud pie.

Mm, well, I do.

What?

What?

You're just...
you're so real.

Oh, come on.

Now you have
to try some.

Here you go.

Be careful.

Chocolate is
an aphrodisiac,

and the mud part
is all chocolate.

Oh, my God.
What?

I think it's working.

(both laugh)

(sighs)

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Hank, I have to go
and call the sitter.

Sitter?
The dog sitter?
Um...

No, the, uh, babysitter.

Um, I--

I have a six-year-old son.

Well, isn't that--

Isn't that just great.

Oh, I'm so glad to
hear you say that!

A lot of men lose interest
after they hear that.

I mean, and, well,
and quite frankly, Roger--

Is that--
is that your husband?

No, that's my son.

He doesn't seem to like many
of the men that I meet.

Oh, well,
I-- I love kids.

Really?

Oh! I mean, kids are great.
They have energy...

Oh! (laughs)

Well-- well then,
you'd love Roger.

You know what, why--
why don't you, uh, why don't you

bring him down to the,
uh, to the show?

Oh, my.
Oh, he'd be thrilled.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I'd love to meet him
and, you know, give him

a first-class tour around
a big television studio.

You think he'd
like that?

Oh, super!

I mean, this woman
is terrific, Artie.

And she lives with her son,
in get this, Chatsworth,

and-- and they have one car,
it's American.

I-- I don't know anyone who has
an American car anymore.

What do you mean?
I drive an American car.

It's a hell
of a lot better

than these rice burners
and strudel wagons

the rest of the these assholes
in Hollywood drive!

All right, all right, I--
I meant no offense.

It's just that I am
so excited to finally--

to meet a-- a--
a real person, and her son,

wow, he--
he sounds great.

I-- I think he needs
a father figure.

You think you can
handle that?

Of course I can.

Well, what about little
Miguelito from Peru?

You know, the kid that you
adopted through Sally Struthers?

All his letters piled up
like goddamn junk mail.

Well, what am I supposed to do?
He wrote them in Spanish!

You see, this is not gonna
happen with Roger

because he's local.

I don't know.

These people sound
very real to me.

You better stay
the fuck away from 'em.

All right, what do you
want me to do?

You just want me
to just keep dating these
vapid Hollywood bimbos?

Yes!

Let me tell you something.

Show folk belong
with show folk, Hank.

If you're not careful,

you're gonna mess
this kid up and his mom.

Whoa, whoa.

Mama-loosa!

Trava-loosa,
caboosa!

Great ass too.

Can you help me?

I'm looking for
Phil's office

and I can't seem
to find it.

Oh, that's because Phil
doesn't have an office.

Jennette?

Phil?
Hey, nice to meet you.

Hi, nice to
meet you.

Hi. Why don't we, uh,
head into my office.

(laughing)

Beverly, would you
hold all my calls?

Thank you.

Did you find
parking okay?

Mm-hmm.
Okay.

So who's that girl
with Phil?

Oh, I-- I do not know.

Nice ass, huh?

Come on, say it.
Nice ass.

Okay, well, she,
uh, has a nice ass...

Yeah.
for a white girl.

Beverly?

Beverly:
No, you ask him.

Larry, my niece is having
a raffle at her school.
Larry: Yeah?

Can I hit you up
for a ticket?

Oh, sure, sure.
How much is it?

20 bucks.
20 bucks.

I hope it's a day of beauty.

(both chuckle)

What's wrong?

My money's missing.

Gosh, Larry, if you
don't wanna buy one,

you can
just say so!

The money's gone.
No, I believe you.

So what's
the sketch about?

Well, um, you know,
it's-- it's not really

a-- a sketch per se.

It-- it's more like
a concept, at this point.
(door opening)

Hi. Keith, hi,
we're in a meeting.

Yeah, I realize that.

I just thought
our lovely guest

might like
a delightful beverage

or one of these equally
delightful cookies.

You'd like
a cookie, right?

No, thank you.

Oh come on,
have a cookie.

So there's nothing
for me to read?

Keith:
You want something to read?

We got papers here,
we got everything.

Will you shut up?

You know, Lori Loughlin
took my money.

Aw, come on.

No, I'm telling you.
When I went for the cheese.

When you went
for "the cheese"?

That's what you're
calling it now? (laughs)

No, she was
at my house, right,
Yeah.

and she was playing
with my wallet.
Yeah, I'll bet! (laughs)

Listen, you gotta be
very careful

when you accuse a friend
of stealing money because

many years ago,
I was in New York
with Lenny Bruce

and, uh, he accused me
of taking 50 bucks from him,

and, uh, it turned very ugly
and I popped him.

You know, you've told me
this story before

and, uh, you took
the money.

That may be,

but I'm just trying
to warn you.

You better keep
your guard up

because Lori's
going to pop you.

There's "love" on--
on these pictures.

Who the fuck wrote that?

I did.
Why?

Well, it's for the affiliates.
(door opens)

Knock, knock.

Hi, uh...

I-- I know--
I know we're early.

It's just they were so speedy
over there at Midas Muffler.

Midas Muffler.

Do you understand
what I'm talking about?

Uh-oh, you must
be Susan.

(men laugh)

You must be Roger.

How you doing, champ?

Fine.

They took my mom's car
and lifted it way up high.

Wow!
Well, I'm gonna scoot.

Now, make sure you sign
those head shots.

We gotta send them
to Sacramento.

Bye bye.
Bye.

Sacramento, that's
the capital of California.

Wow, you
are correct.

You must--
you must be very smart.

He's kind of a whiz
at geography.

Really?

Yeah, if you can say a state,
I can say the capital.

New York?

Albany.

Wow!

Florida?

Tallahassee.

Wow!

South Dakota?

Pierre.

What's the capital
of North Dakota,

Pepe Le Pew?

(all laugh)
You're funny,
Mr. Kingsley.

And you are very good
at geography, Mr. Roger.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

I think he really
likes you.

Well, that's a coincidence
because I think I really
like you.

I brought you some
mud pie for later.

Do you want to ask me
some more capitals?

I have a better idea.

How would you like
to come on our-- our show

and play this geography
game with me and Larry?

Michelle:
Roger on TV?

Would you like that?

Huh? Would you like
to be on TV?

Sure!
Michelle: Oh, super!

Michelle and Roger:
Super duper!

All right! Ohh.
Ow.

Hey, Larry. Hi.

Lori!
I was just on the lot,

I thought I'd stop by
and say hi.
Oh, nice to see you.

You look great.
Nice to see you. How are you?

Those are
beautiful earrings.
Oh, thanks.

I-- I got them today.
Oh, really?

Yeah, I used the money
I got from, uh--
My wallet?

What?

There's m--
There's some money
missing from my wallet.

Did you see any money
when I-- at the house?

'Cause it's just been on my mind
there's $250 missing,
and I can't find it.

You know what? I--
I'm getting the feeling here

that you think I took
money from your wallet.
(scoffs)

All right, Larry,
you know what?
This your problem.

I didn't take
any money from you.
No, no, no.

I'm sorry I even
stopped by here.
You know what happened?

I probably over-tipped
the parking valet. That's it.

You know what? I always give 'em
a couple of hundred bucks

because you know what?
You know, they know me.
You really need to look at this.

No, no, no, no, no.
I swear to God,
she took the money.

I know she fucking
took the money.

Where the hell do you get
the authority to--

to book somebody
without telling me?

But Artie, this kid is--
is-- is terrific!

He's pure gold!
He's a geography whiz!

He knows where
everything is!

Does he know where
your head is?

Because I think
it's up your ass!

Well, he's a lot better than
that stupid myna bird

that was supposed
to sing show tunes,

and just shit
on Larry's hand!

That bird was supposed
to shit on Larry's hand.

Where the hell
is kale?

Come on, Reba McEntire
doesn't need to do two songs.

Some guy left her
and she's broke.

Big fucking deal!
We got it the first time!

No way, we're already booked.
You know, we can't do it!

I'm gonna lay it
out for you.

Oh, do that.

This is the first girl
that I-- I-- I have met

since my marriage broke up
that I-- I really care for.

No shit.

No.

Artie please.
I fucked up.

I told the little kid that
he was gonna be on the show.

It's-- it's gonna break
his heart.

How old's this kid?

The kid is six.

Nice kid?

He's a great kid.

You got one fucking
segment, Hank. That's it.

All right.

Keith:
Take as much as
you want, ladies.

There's plenty more.

Brian, what the hell
is going on?

Oh, ask Hef.

Well, it was great
meeting you.

And I have your
phone number.

I'll definitely
give you a call, Michelle.

Um, and listen,
thank you for bringing in
all those outfits.

Okay?

Hey, Phil?

Yeah?

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

Oh, uh, Phil is bringing
in actresses

just so he can
meet them.

You're shameless.

You don't see me setting
up fake meetings

just to meet
Ed Asner.

You know, Phil,
What?

you pulled some sleazy
crap in your time,

but this takes
the cake.

Beverly,
kiss my ass.

You show it bare.

Hey, could you guys keep it
down a little bit?

Yeah, the girls are
a little skittish.

They're not
horses, Phil.

Why didn't he dress up?

Excuse me, I'm, uh,
looking for a Phil.

Yeah, I'm Phil.

Hi, I'm Gary Rindels,
Jennette Robbins' agent.

Oh, yeah,
nice to meet you.

I was wondering if it was,
you know, possible for me
to get a copy

of the script that
Jennette's gonna be reading.

Well, uh, you know,
we're in the middle
of a rewrite on the script.

We're punching it up
and everything,

so I don't have a script
for you yet.

But, uh, you know,
Jennette came in,
very talented girl,

and I really enjoyed
meeting her.

You know what I think?
Hm?

I don't think
there is a script.

I don't think that
there ever was a script.

Boggles the mind,
Mr. Rindels.

This sort of thing
happens in the movies maybe,

but we had no idea
this sort of behavior

was being conducted
on the very premises

of "The Larry Sanders Show"!

Yeah, well, it was
completely unprofessional.

We couldn't
agree more!

We told Keith
it was a bad idea--

Shut the fuck up, Phil!

But I'm certain that
we could come to
some sort of solution

that will be agreeable
to everybody.

Larry: How did you
get that, uh, that job?

Um, on an audition,
casting.
Really?

Okay, so what happens?

You go in there and you have
to wear a bathing suit?

Uh, yeah.
Pretty much? Yeah.

That's how
I got this job. Honestly.
(audience laughs)

And you know what's odd
is I wear a two-piece.

(laughs)

Why don't we take a break
and we'll come right back?

No flipping.

(audience cheers and applauds)

Man:
Clear!

Just lovely, my dear.
Just lovely.
Thank you.

Oh, Mary Lou will
walk you out.

Thank you.

How you doing, chief?

How you feeling?

Is that-- is that the girl
who was with Phil?

I believe so.

Yeah, well, did anyone do
a pre-interview with her?

Because it was very--
Well, you gotta work with new
people every now and then.

Now you have to concentrate
on your next guest,

precocious Roger Holloway.

The geography boy?
Yes, yes. Geography expert.

What's happening? Why--
why didn't Reba McEntire
do two songs?

Reba, she was anxious
to get on the road.

There's a big
Turquoise and Silver Fair
Something seems...

in Santa Fe tomorrow.
By the way, I-- I think

Lori Loughlin took,
uh, you know, my money,

and she seems--
You just have to-- you just
have to forget all that.

Just go on with life.

Man: Back in five!
I'll be watching.
You're doing great.

Come on.

(audience cheers and applauds)

Welcome back.

My next guest, uh,
is a, uh...

is joining us, uh,
for the first time.
Hank: That's right.

and he is a six-year-old
geography expert
That's right.

from, uh, right here
in, uh, the Los Angeles area.

Please welcome
Roger Holloway.

Roger Holloway.
(audience cheers and applauds)

How you doing, Roger?

Fine.

Good, good,
good, good, good.
And how old are you?

Six.
Six?

And you evidently are an expert
in world geography?

All right.

Well, let's give you
a little test.

We got a map here
of the, uh, of the world.

And I'm gonna point
to, uh, some countries

and you tell me what
they are, okay?

(chuckles)
Okay.

Let's start with
something easy.

This little country,
right here.

Let me--
Should I give you a clue?

It looks like
a boot and in Europe.

Hank:
Come on, you know this.

He-- he knew all the capitals
of all the states w-- backstage.

He was terrific.

Come on.

Starts with an 'I',
ends with a 'Y'.

(fingers snapping)

Hank, don't snap at him.
He's not a--
Hank: Well...

he's not-- You just gotta look
at them. You're not looking
at the map.

Look at the map.
I think he's
looking at the map.

There you go.
(Larry mutters)

Just look at the map.

Don't touch
the boy.

Aw, gee.
Nice booking.

The kid froze.

Hank!

I would just like
you to know that

I am not gonna be
seeing you anymore.

All right, let me-- let me--

There is nothing
to explain, Hank.

You are a grown man.

You had no reason to
attack him like that.

Well, he-- he did great.
It-- it went great.

He is not in show
business, Hank.

He is just
a little boy.

I warned you, didn't I?
But you never listen.

Do-- do you know
any bimbos?

You know, I've seen kids
with Michael Jackson
less nervous.

Just remember, this show is
not about you getting laid,

it's about Larry
getting laid.

Larry.

John.
Hey, how are you doing?

Hey, man.
Good to see you.

Great show,
it was funny.

Hey, thanks.
Great show.

What are you
doing here?

Um, listen, I need to, uh,

I talk to you
about Lori Loughlin...

if I could.

Can we go in here
and talk about that?

Listen, I-- I don't know
how to tell you

how sorry I am
about that because I--

I just thought that
she took the money and, uh,

I could have made a mistake.
Right. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, you're misunderstood.

I came down here
because, uh...

she-- well. she did
take the money.

I know, it's weird.
It's-- it's...

She's, um, she's had
this problem for a while now.

Really?
Yeah, and she-- she was
embarrassed and she wanted me

to bring the money
down here because she didn't,

you know-- you know--
Yeah, I mean,

you could imagine how it...

Oh, my God.
Yeah, I know,
it's weird. It's weird.

I mean--
There was 250
in the wallet.

Hmm?

There was 250 in the wallet.
There's $200 here.

(laughs)

Is that a new earring?

(end music playing)