All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S05E06_English

Hi, this is
Marylou Collins calling

from "The Larry Sanders Show"
for Tom Hanks.

Thank you.

Hello? Tom?
Oh, my God! Hi!

It's Marylou Collins
from "The Larry Sanders Show."

Yeah, I'm calling to do
your preinterview.

Uh-huh.

That's right.

Oh, my God! You sound
just like you do in the movies.

"Stupid is as stupid does."

Remember when you were
in "Bosom Buddies"

and you had that wig on?

Hold on a second, Tom.

No, put him on hold.
Jesus.

What are you doing?

I can't believe
I'm talking to Tom Hanks!

Now you're not gonna believe
I'm talking to Tom Hanks.

Tom? Hi, it's Paula.
How are you?

Good, me, too.

Listen, can I put you
on hold for one sec.

Thanks.

I don't wanna hurt
your feelings, okay?

But clearly, you
suck at this job.

And if you don't get better,
you're gonna get fired.

This is not the cat
counter at Petco, okay?

Hi.

Oh, uh, Brian.

Why didn't you
call Shadoe Stevens

and tell him about
the poker game last night?

I did, Hank. I left a message
on his answering machine.

Well, no,
he didn't show up,

and when I called him,
he said he--

he had no idea about it.

Yeah, well, I don't know,
I left it there.

Well, what number
did you use?

It's on your Rolodex.

That's the old number.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

The new number's
in your Rolodex, Brian.

I'm sorry.

Are you--
Are you crying?

Please,
don't do that.

Excuse me.

(sighs)

Beverly, I... Can I talk to you
for just one moment?

Do you know anybody
who needs a job?

What sort of job?

Well,
as my assistant.

I'm sorry, I can't
take it anymore.

I just-- I give Brian
a little criticism

and he's in
the bathroom crying.

Oh, Hank, don't you know
what's going on with him?

No.
He broke up with
David last week.

David?

His boyfriend, Hank.

They've been together
for over a year and a half.

Oh, my God.
I didn't know that.

I have the notes
for the Nicollette Sheridan--

Can I call you
right back?

I was on the phone.

Okay, I have the notes
for the Nicollette Sheridan
interview.

Oh, great.

Good morning, Larry.
Good morning.

Uh, Marylou has the preinterview
for Nicollette Sheridan for you.

Yeah, here you go.
Thanks.

Great stuff
last night, Larry.

Really funny, I'm--
It's a dream come true

for me to be
working on the show.

Well, that makes one of us.
(laughing loudly)

God!
Kiss ass much?

I hoped I asked
all the questions
Larry would ask.

Did you ask if she'd
sleep with you?

'Cause then
you nailed it.

I didn't know you'd
just broken up with David.

That's okay.

No, it isn't. I... I've
just been an ass all week.

I-- I'm sorry.

That's all right.

David's right,
I'm a loser.

Oh, come on.

Hank, they're ready
for the audience warm-up.
Come on.

All right.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
do you, uh...

Do wanna have a drink
after the show?

I mean,
anywhere you want.

Okay.

Well, good.

So, how do I look?

Mmm, missed a spot.

No, on your face.

Right.

I saw you
in that TV movie

"Mother, May I
Sleep with Danger?"

You were sensational,
if I may say.

(applause)

Um, Larry, I wasn't
in that movie.

(scattered laughter)

Larry:
Well, then, what movie...

I know you're great,
and I'm a gigantic fan,

and I saw you
in, uh, this movie,

uh... that...

Which movie
am I thinking of?

Nicollette:
Which one?

Well, why don't
we take a break,

and we'll come
right back,

and we'll figure out which
movie I'm thinking of.

I've been off
for three years.

You've gotta
remember that.

We'll be right back,
no flipping.

(cheering and applause)

Did I do
something wrong?
Yes.

Did you see that?

Oh, yes. Yes, I watch
everything on this magic box.

Well, that's
the second time

the notes
have been wrong.

You covered very well,
El Jefe.

It was very, very funny.

I know, I know that,
but you know what?

I just told
Nicollette Sheridan

that she was
great in a movie,

and it turned out I was
talking about Tori Spelling.

So I don't think
she's gonna wanna be

going out with me now.

Let's fire Marylou.

Oh, I can't do that.

Ah, look, Larry,
you never wanna fire anyone,

and they--
they just stay here

and they end up
driving you crazy.

Was it my bad breath?

Because, um, I ate
an avocado today and--

But avocados don't give you
bad breath, do they?

Hank, take your seat.

God.

If people
only knew.

Listen,
I'm really sorry,

um, you know,
about that.

Man:
Back in five!

(applause)

We're back with
Nicollette Sheridan, and...

(applause continues)

I think that
we've talked enough

about your career, which
is going so wonderfully.

Honestly, congratulations.

Now, let's talk about what
you do when you're not working.

I understand you
were just in Rome.

Paris.

Paula...
I know, I heard.

Marylou
is your friend.

She's still learning,
but this is the second time

that Larry's
been embarrassed

because her notes
have been wrong,

and this has
got to stop!

(audience laughing)

Marylou, I know
you're my friend,

and I know you're
still learning,

but this is the second time
Larry's been embarrassed

because the notes
have been wrong,

and this
has got to stop.

Well, Nicollette
is wrong, too.

Because that movie isn't even
listed in Tori Spelling's bio.

Do you know why?
You know why?

'Cause this
is Tori Amos's bio.

And Tori Amos is a singer,
not an actor.

Oh.

Thanks for
taking me out, Hank.

It's really nice
of you.

Welcome.

You fall off the horse,
what do you do?

Yeah, I know.

No, no, no, no.
Answer the question.

You fall off the horse,
what do you do?

You get back
on the horse.

You get back on the horse
and you go.

Go where?

Wherever
the fucking horse goes.

Hey, hey, hey, hey...

Hey now.

What? What?

There's a guy
looking at you.

No.

Don't-- don't--
don't look.

No, he's, um, he's
at the end of the bar.

He's, uh,
very attractive.

Oh.

Let's go say hello.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, I don't--

Come on.
No, I'm a loser.

No, come on.
Look at my hair.

Hank:
You will do as I say.

(muttering)

Hey now.

Oh, my-- Do you
know who you are?

Yes, I do. Do you
know who you are?

Yes. I-- I'm Gordon.

(laughing)
Hey now, Gordon.

(laughing)
Hey now.

My God,
this is a riot.

Alan. Alan! Come here.
Come here, look at this.

It's Hank Kingsley.

Wow, it really
is Hank Kingsley.

Hello.
Hey now, Alan.

This is a riot.
Yeah, that's what I said.

This is my friend,
this is Brian.

Can I tell you
something, Hank?
Please.

You are one of the main
reasons I watch the show.

Really?

Yes, you are
very popular

in the gay community, Hank.
See, I told ya.

So, what brings you guys
out on the town?

Well, Brian broke up
with his boyfriend,

and so I thought
I'd take him out

and show him a good time.

We'd have some drinks,
and we were just sitting,

and, uh, talking about
getting back on the horse,

when we saw you staring.

Staring?

Really?

Gordon:
Uh, w-we really
should be going.

It was nice
meeting you Hank.

Hey, I wasn't
staring. It was...

See? I'm a loser.

You're not gonna
cry again, are ya?

Oh, come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Snap out of it.
The night is young.

Look, it's, uh,
nine o'clock.

Hey, let's blow this place.
It's-- it's--

I mean, let's
go someplace fun.

Well, you made
Army Archerd's column!

I did?
"Just for 'Variety,'" eh?

"Larry Sanders'
sidekick Hank Kingsley

"was seen getting a few
kicks of his own last night.

"Kingsley was
painting the town red

"at several well-known
gay bars,

including, uh, Rage,
Spike, and Mother Lode."

Well, that's a lie.
We never went to Mother Lode.

Sidekick by day,
gay caballero by night.

Ooh, hoo hoo.

I have to find a...

an attractive woman
to be seen with.

Yes! Yes!
Rayneene, perfect.

We never went
to the Mother Lode.

All right, now, you
call her and you tell her

I want her to come
down to the show.

Right.
Uh, we'll go to
Spago afterwards,

and then Morton's, and,
uh, there's gonna be a limo,

and it's gonna be
first-class all the way.

Tell her to wear something
very short and very tight.

Hank, you don't
have to do this.

I don't want
to offend you, but, uh,

I can't have people
thinking I'm gay.

I have endorsements,

and, uh, I represent
a lot of products.

This is ridiculous.
It is not ridiculous!

This has been going on
in Hollywood for years.

The studios used to make
sure that Rock Hudson

was seen in the company of
beautiful women all the time.

That way,
people would know

that he was a romantic
leading man.

Rock Hudson was gay.

I'll get right on this.

So, you're okay?
You're feeling good?

Yes, I'm fine.
Great.

Hi. Marylou,
Tim Conway.

Tim Conway,
Marylou.

Marylou, how are you?
Hello!

Very nice to see you.

Really nice to meet you.
Thank you.

Listen, she'll be
doing the preinterview,

so if you need anything,
just let her know.

Oh, really? Well,
I'd like my car detailed.

Um, uh, okay.
I'll look into that.

(awkward chuckle)

I, uh, got
the trainee, right?

She's great.
Don't worry about it.

I can imagine.
Listen...

Listen, dressing
room's in there.

Fruit platter, soft
cheeses that you like.

Yeah. Bad, bad fruit.
Bye.

Listen, kind of
an emergency.

Harvey Fierstein
is on his way in,

but the airport
lost his luggage.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Yes, they lost
his luggage.

Right-O,
so you'll be doing

Tim Conway's preinterview
on your own.

I gotta go find Artie.

Where's Harriet?
Harriet's doing class.

Who's gonna do
Nicollette Sheridan?

What is wrong with you?

Nicollette Sheridan
was on the show last night.

I know, but she's on my
calendar for tonight, too.

What are you
talking about?

It's right there.
It's in your handwriting.

Well, clearly,
I wrote it on the wrong day.

I didn't know that,
so I booked her again.

So, okay, you're
filming "Speed 2."

Anything funny happen between
you and Sandra Bullock?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Um, ahem, what
was your name again?

Marylou.
Marylou.

Marylou, uh, I was wondering,
why isn't Paula doing this?

She's tied up.

Tied up.

And, uh, Harriet?

Tied up!

Tied up. Okay.

Look, I've done
this show a lot.

I really have, you know?
Quite a few times.

So, uh, I don't think
there's... it's necessary

to go
that much in-depth

in the preinterview
thing, okay?

I know that,
but if I just ask...

Just have Larry ask me
about "Speed 2," okay?!

He'll ask me about "Speed 2"!
I'll fill in!

I'll have some funny stories
about Sandra, okay?!

Okay.
Right.

Larry!

Hey, Marylou.

I just wanna tell you
I'm really sorry

about the mix-up
last night.

Oh, it's okay. Really,
it's not a problem.

I'm such a big fan
of the show.

My friends and
I used to sit around

and get really loaded
and watch you all the time.

That's what my friends
used to do, too.

(chuckling)

Um, I have, uh,
Tim Conway notes.

Great. Great.
Hey, Nicollette!

Larry!

Oh...

Oh, sorry.

That is hot.
That is hot.

All right.
This is good.

Now my underpants are
gonna smell like Starbucks.

I'll get
some napkins.

(sighs)

Did you... Did you see that?
What am I gonna do now?

Uh, may I fire her now?

Nicollette Sheridan is back.
Did you see that?

You know why?
Yes, I think I do know why.

I think she likes me.
No.

Because
Little Miss Means-Well

booked her on the show
again tonight.

Larry, I'd like you
to meet Rayneene.

Hello.

Um, he's fanning
my penis right now.

Maybe you better go
back to your, uh, seat.

It's a little
embarrassing.

Uh, Larry, um, I'd like you
to do me a favor

on the, uh,
on the show tonight.

We're back from a commercial.
(cheering and applause)

And, boy,
listen to this.

We have a hot crowd and...

a hot show tonight.

I'm glad
you're all here.

Before I introduce
our first guest,

uh, I believe we have
somebody else to talk about.

You have, if I'm not
mistaken, a date tonight.

Actually, I-- I do.

I have a date
and I, uh, uh...

Uh, she's...
can we... introduce...

Is she here?
She's here.

'Cause you've
brought her to your job.

Isn't that...
Isn't that sweet?

It's a good thing you don't
work at a hardware store,

because then
it'd be a bad date,

as opposed to this, where
you've dragged me into it.

Honestly, I feel
like a third wheel.

Um, she's,
uh, she's...

Where is she?
She's in the audience.

She's right
over there.

(cheering and applause)

Larry:
Let's move right along.

We have a terrific
show tonight.

My first guess is one of
our great comedic actors.

I'm a gigantic fan of his.
We all, of course,

know him from
"The Carol Burnett Show,"

the original
"Carol Burnett Show,"

which was
just so sensational,

and many other terrific
movies that he's done.

Please give a warm
welcome to Tim Conway. Tim!

(cheering and applause)

What a wonderful--
They love you.

Don't they, though? Yes.

Thank you so much.

These people
all love you.

I've seen you out at the track.
Don't you have horses?

The race track?
Yeah.

Yes, I have. Yes.

But I do spend a lot
of time out there.

You do?
I was gonna be a jockey

at one time,
when I was younger,

because, uh, I was a lot
lighter, obviously.

And you have to weigh about
110 pounds to be a jockey.

But at this weight,
horses ask you to get off.

You know, I mean,
if you're gonna be a jockey.

I had an unusual
riding style.

Whereas, you know,
a lot of guys,

when that gate opens
and all the horses come out,

they go right over
to the fence

and try to get
around the track that way.

And I found that it gets
very crowded there.

You know, 'cause
everybody's over there.

So, I, uh, I found that if
you rode to the outside fence...

Right.

...that it was much safer,
'cause, you know,

sometimes they run into each
other on the inside there.

It's longer.
Oh, jeez.

(laughter)

But... it's safer,
and I think safety,

in this particular instance,
is-- is pretty good.

Was Dorf a natural evolution
from being a jockey into...

Um, I did Dorf on
a show once with Harvey.

We were doing a, uh,
takeoff on "Fantasy Ileand"...

Island... or "Ileand,"
one of those,

and, um, I was Herve,

and, uh, so I just
buried myself in the stage,

and it really
looked rather amusing.

So we, um, did
a couple of, uh, tapes.

One on golf,
and then, uh, fishing.

And, uh, and it just--
it just exploded

and became a very, very
popular character.

My wife is
so happy with it.

(audience laughing)

Do you...
(laughing)

So do you
still see Harvey?

I try not to.

Um...

(laughter)

I, uh... yeah, you know,
when the show went off,

I got custody of him,
so, uh...

I kind of take care of him.

I have him in a little tin hut
up here in Beverly Hills,

a little monkey strapped
to his leg and everything.

You know, just to kind of
keep him active.

(laughter)

So, I understand
you're, uh, you've got

a nice little part
in "Speed 2," the movie?

Excuse me?

"Speed 2"?
No, I, uh...

uh, not really, no.

Larry:
I-- I believe you do.

I believe you do
have a part in "Speed 2."

I don't think so.
I haven't worked in some time.

It's pretty much
over for me.

I mean, kind of a wrap.
Harvey and I...

I thought you said
you checked this.

I did! Cock suck!
I don't understand it.

This is ridiculous.

Why aren't you
ever on my side?

What is this, kind of
a two-bit show or something?

No, well, it used to be,
it's up to 4 bits.

Is it now?

We can talk about anything,
now. We can talk about...

I'm kiddin' ya.
Kiddin' ya! Kiddin' ya.

I am, I'm in "Speed 2."

Yeah. I was--
Ohh!

I was, see I was--
(cheering and applause)

Did you hear that?
I was right. I was right.

Yeah, I heard.
I'm standing right here.

Hey, that would be a good
new comedy bit for the show.

I'll give Larry
the right information,

and then the guests will
say something different,

and then Larry'll
act really mad,

and then everyone
will laugh.

Letterman
already does that.

(audience laughing)

Did you ever think, when
you were in the Army,

that you'd end up...

I never thought I'd get
out of the Army, actually.

I was stationed,
uh, in Seattle.

I protected Puget Sound
for two years.

Congratulations.
Yeah.

Well, as you know,
we were never attacked there.

I was, uh,
court-martialed twice,

and so I spent some
extra time in the Army.

But, uh, I enjoyed it,
I really did.

You were not
court-martialed.

Twice.
For what?

I lost my rifle
one time, um...

How did you...

I was asleep
in the back of a car,

'cause I was on guard duty,
and, uh...

(laughter)

I had dropped off,
and I kinda woke up

because I knew the
lieutenant was coming around,

and I left my rifle
in the car.

And, you know, when he
comes around the corner,

you're supposed
to take your rifle

and say, "Halt.
Advance and be recognized."

And I didn't have my rifle

'cause it was in
the back of this Buick.

And so, I took a... one of those
long, fluorescent bulbs

out of the trash,
and I pointed that at him.

And I said, "Halt.
Advance and be recognized."

And he did, and he said,
"What is that?"

And I said,
"it's a lightbulb,

and if you come any
closer I'll turn it on."

And from there I went, uh,
in front of these three guys,

and they gave me three weeks
of picking up rocks.

You would take 'em from here
and put 'em over there.

Is that true?
Yes, it is, yeah.

What was the second
court-martial?

Uh, the second
involved a fire,

which, uh, I had set.

(laughter)

That also by mistake.

I was supposed to stoke
stoves at night,

and you go every two hours
and put coal in.

But I thought if you put
all the coal in, like, at 8:00,

you wouldn't have to go
around again, you know, later.

Uh-huh.
And, uh, uh,

then this hospital
went up.

But guys who had
never walked before

came running out of that
hospital... that's the truth.

(laughter and applause)

Listen, congratulations,

I hear your girlfriend's
here tonight, huh?

Yes. Yes, she is.

Just out of curi--
I didn't get a chance

to see her--
where is she?

Uh, she is
right over there.

Let's get
another shot.

Tim:
Oh, yeah.

Boy, she is something,
isn't she? Whoa.

Boy, you're quite lucky.

I haven't had any sex since
"The Apple Dumpling Gang,"

so that's--
this is quite a treat.

Oh, she is...
really a beauty.

Let's, uh, take a break

and we'll be back
with Harvey Fierstein

after this, uh,
commercial break.

Tim Conway.

(cheering and applause)

Clear!

I gotta get
out of here, thanks.

Gee, I really loved it.
I had a great time, honestly.

And I wouldn't kid you,
either, know what I mean?

I mean that's...
Great, buddy.

I'm gonna
walk you out.

Oh, you are? Okay.
Thanks, thank you.

You know, I was
in the Army, too.

Keep that Marylou
away from me.

I really wanna thank you
for asking me about Rayneene,

because this way,
you know, millions of people,

you know, see me with her,
so thank you.

Sure, my pleasure. Did you
ask everyone to bring it up?

Not everyone, but, uh,
why, is there a problem?

It's just that you
asked me before the show,

and then I did it, and then,
you still-- that's not enough.

I mean, that's, uh--
enough's enough.

All right.

Man:
Back in five.

(cheering and applause)

This is my favorite
show of the year.

My next guest is a brilliant
playwright and actor.

You might
recognize him

from several blockbusters
he's been in recently.

"Mrs. Doubtfire,"
to be one.

More recently,
"Independence Day."

Get ready,
brace yourselves.

He's great.
Welcome Harvey Fierstein.

Harvey!

(cheering and applause)

Oh, this is so nice.
Larry, Larry, Larry.

Last time I said,
"Larry, Larry, Larry,"

it was to Olivier.

My life is not going well.
How are you?

I am fine.
I am fine.

You're frightening
at first.

(laughter)

Am I that way to you?

Do you see me and go,
"Oh, my God,"

you know, "Settle down"?

Well, I'm not used to
seeing you with clothes on.

I mean my clothes, usually.
I understand, now let me--

You know,
I watch you at home.

I'm laying in bed at night
and watching you at home.

Sure. Sure. Sure.

Well, that's oddly,
what I do at night.

I lie in bed
and watch the show.

Now, Harvey...

You know,
sometimes the world,

it's a small wor--
I know Rayneene.

I actually
know Rayneene.

I can't believe it.
Oh, my God.

How do you
know Rayneene?

I haven't seen you
in so long.

How do you
know her?

I know Rayneene,

well, except when I knew
Rayneene, she was a man.

But...

(audience laughing)

(cheering and applause)

We'll take a break
we'll come right back.

(applause continues)

Hank, are you okay?

Oh, no, I'm not--
I'm not okay.

Hank, man,
I'm really sorry.

I thought you were, like,
doing a bit or something.

You really didn't know?

(mocking Harvey)
No, I didn't know.

One of the great moments
in television.

Talk show, here we come.

You didn't fire
Marylou, did you?

Want to?
Larry!

Hey, Nicollette.
You were great.

It was a really
funny show tonight.

I'm so sorry we had
to bump you, honestly...

Oh, don't worry
about it, please.

It would've been a pretty
tough act to follow.

Oh, yeah, listen, we're
going to get a bite to eat.

Do you wanna go?

(sniffing)

(sniffs) I don't smell
anything, do you?

Mmm, no.
Vanilla latte.

♪ ♪