Original subtitles

Where do you want to take this merry little carnival?

What about Montana?

The cold weather will be invigorating.

I'll die there.

They'll find me in the spring buried in the snow

like one of those fucking dead moose.

I need heat.

Let's take the show to, um... hell.

Or Hawaii.

Well, we gotta have a lot better numbers

to go to Hawaii.

Well, you know, if we had better numbers,

we wouldn't need to go on the road to get better numbers.

Fuck me. Cheer up.

Come on. We're gonna have a wonderful dinner.

It's my birthday.

I forgot. I forgot it's your birthday!

No, you didn't.

You already booked reservations

at my favorite restaurant,

you're surprising me with a cake--

chocolate hazelnut. Thanks, buddy.

Good. Well, you're welcome.

How thoughtful of me.

You're the best. Come on. Come on,

it's my birthday. All right.

Beverly, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Guard this with your life.

Put it in my desk, bottom right-hand drawer.

It's the budget.

(loudly) Come on! I'd be happy to.

Happy birthday. Thank you.

Gee. Come on. Let's go. I'm coming.

Shoot.

(machine copying)

(gasps) What?!

Oh, you can't go sneaking up on people like that!

This is the copy room.

I came in to make a copy.

What are you doing? Nothing.

Are you smoking pot?

No. I'm just making a copy of something.

Hey, Beverly... What? What?

I think something really cool is going on here,

and you're not letting me in on it.

Okay...

Mary Lou, if I show you something,

you promise-- you promise you won't tell a single soul?

Yes.

Okay.

This is the budget to the show. Where'd you get this?

Uh, I kinda borrowed it from Artie.

You stole it?

No, I didn't steal it.

I'm just gonna make one copy for myself,

and then I was gonna, uh, put it right back.

Wow, everyone's salaries are in here.

Yeah, that's right. Everybody.

Oh, my God.

Look how much Jake the grip makes.

Next time he asks me out, I'm gonna say yes.

Goodness gracious, check out hair and makeup.

Livin' large.

How can you make that much money

for just standing around gossiping?

Oh, don't you just hate 'em?

They have nothing better to do

than just snoop in other people's business.

Yeah.

Sure, why? I mean, well, like I said,

it was Eva Gabor. It was her first orgasm,

and she just couldn't thank me enough.

We were hurtling along across Mulholland,

about 80 miles an hour.

Zsa Zsa was at the wheel. Oh, mama!

And I was-- as you might say-- I can't--

I was working under the hood.

(laughs) I get it. I get it.

Open-- open this. Open this up.

Oh, buddy. Open it.

No, you shouldn't have. Come on.

Oh, you deserve it.

Oh, look what you got me. What is it? What is it?

It's a wallet. It's got a fish on it. Oh, that's a nice one.

You like it? Yeah.

Okay. You-- It's yours.

Really? 'Cause I need a new wallet. Yeah.

Yeah, you-- you can have it. It's yours.

This is the best birthday I've ever had.

(whispering) Oh, gee. Uh... don't breathe,

but Ellen DeGeneres is at 12:00.

No, no, that-- that's 3:00. 12:00!

No, this is 12:00.

No, you're-- My 12:00. 3:00? My 3:00 is over that way.

No, goddamn it! Just tell me where she is.

She's right over your shoulder.

Don't look! That's 9:00.

That lady is a lightning rod of sexual controversy.

I smell ratings.

And I smell Glenlivet.

I am not going over there

to ask her to do the show.

If we could just boost our ratings just a teeny tiny bit, huh?

Then we can all go to...

(vocalizing) Ooh-ooh. Bling bling. Whoo-whoo! Hmm-mm-mmm.

Hawaii?

Okay.

Hi. Hi, Ellen. Sorry to interrupt.

Hi, Larry. Hi.

Are you our waiter? I am your waiter.

(all chuckle)

Gee, I thought things were going so well.

Oh, please, let's not get into it here.

Would you ladies like to hear the specials?

This is my friend Sarah.

Hello. Hello. Listen, you were great on Leno the other night.

Just terrific, really. Thank you.

And we'd love to have you on our show sometime.

Really? Um...

I'm on hiatus this week. I could do it.

This week works for us.

How 'bout Thursday? 'Cause that's good for me.

Thursday we've got Superman, Hercules,

and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

Wow. Well, then, some other time.

No, no, no, no, no. Hercules can go fuck himself. (chuckles)

Come on. We'll bump him, you come on.

Really? Want to? Yeah.

Yeah. I would love to.

Great. Okay.

So, could we maybe have dinner

and talk about what I'll do on the show or?

Sure. That's a great idea. Okay.

I'm so excited. This has made my night. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, me, too.

Thanks. Okay, well, let me get you ladies some rolls.

Okay. I'll get some rolls and I'll-- and I'll come back.

Get bread rolls. Whatever you want. Yeah.

Yeah, sourdough is good. You got it.

I-- I may not be back for a couple of days.

Okay.

(chuckles)

Well, I booked her.

I booked her for this week.

Yeah? And we're gonna have dinner

to talk about what she's gonna do on the show.

Is her girlfriend coming, too?

Oh, for God sakes. How come every time

you see two women together,

you automatically think they're gay?

Oh, come on, Larry. What? What?

We're together. Does that mean we're gay?

No, but the night's still young.

It's my birthday.

No, no, this isn't right.

You've got all of Hank's lines

under the name "Nurse Libido."

That's his name in the sketch.

Yeah, haven't I told you

that you never write Hank's character name on the card?

You have to write "Hank," or he won't read it.

goddamn it, how many times

do I have to fucking go over this with you?

Up yours, you snot-nosed kid!

Are you on a magic marker high?

Just because you make more money than me

doesn't mean you're my fucking boss.

Are you nuts?

I worked for Bob Hope.

You should be kissing my ass

that I even print your shit.

(scoffs) Then why to they pay me a thousand times what you make,

huh, Jerkby?

It's five times.

Christ, this is the budget.

Where did you get this?

From my ass!

Look at what the best boy makes.

He doesn't deserve that.

Where you goin'?

I'm gonna give him some shit.

I don't have a tie on. (humming)

I took it off. I know. I'm just fixing your collar.

Try to get her to come out on our show.

Oh, for God sakes, Letterman tried that.

He got nowhere. I'm not gonna do it.

So what? Why would she come out on Letterman?

Because David obviously has crossed over

to the dark side of the forest.

Larry: Please stop.

Have a nice dinner. Thank you.

Who you going to dinner with?

I'm going with Ellen DeGeneres.

Oh, really? I like her.

Yeah, I-- I hear she plays on her own team,

if you-- if you know what I mean.

Yeah? Really?

Yeah. Well, listen, uh, I-- I believe I know more

about homosexuality than you two.

After all, I-- I'm the one with the gay assistant.

And that's-- that's why I know

she's a-- a doughnut humper.

Bumper.

That's why I know she's a doughnut bumper.

All right. See you guys later.

You know, Artie...

(clearing throat) if I pull this off...

I'm telling you, the network better let me do the show

wherever the fuck we want.

Well, Fiji, Hawaii.

I mean, they'd be so goddamn happy, Yeah.

they would let us do the fucking show

from between Anna Nicole Smith's titties. (chuckles)

All right, here we go.

Where are you going? To my car.

Well, you're not going with us.

I know that.

Well, where you goin'? What's it to ya?

Jesus, Hank is the most overpaid man in show business.

Give me that.

Jake, who gave this to you?

Mary Lou: Hey, Jake.

Hey, Mary Lou.

Beverly: Oh, I should have guessed.

You, uh, ready to go?

Sure. Uh, let me go get my jacket.

Brian, thank God you're still here.

You gotta help me. I-- I made a big mistake.

I mean, thanks to me,

this budget's all over the office.

Oh, I know.

Fuck this. I need to make more money.

Oh, dear God.

Oh-- Oh, there I am!

Oh, those jerks. They spelled my name wrong.

Oh, that...

trollop!

Yeah, he is.

Uh, that-- that's you? Yeah. Oh, my God!

Beverly, tell Larry that I want to see him

first thing in the morning.

Look at this. That's Hank.

That's your salary?! Yeah, that's my salary,

but look at Hank's salary. Oh, my God!

I can't believe that guy. He said he was broke.

He's been borrowing money from me.

Wait, wait, wait. Just a minute. Um...

I-- I make $5.00 more a week than you make?

Yeah. I mean, don't you think you should make

a little bit more than me?

Yeah, but I only make $5.00 more than you.

In a year, that's $250.

Yeah, but, I've been Larry 's assistant

for eight years, Brian.

Oh, well, Beverly, um,

I was with La Streisand for five years,

and I had high salary quotes.

And besides, I work really hard for Hank.

I don't care. I do everything for Larry.

He's a big baby. Oh, really?

Have you ever waxed Larry 's back?

Have you ever poked around in Great Dane shit looking for a ring?

No, I haven't, but that's just because

I'm more a crucial part to this production.

We'll talk about, uh, your CD.

Is that what you want to do?

Yeah. You know, we should do that-- the funny story

that I told you about my mother.

Yeah? Oh, that's a great story. We'll do that,

and then we can talk about your series,

or, um... you know, uh, whether your character's coming out gay.

Get that out of the way. And then, uh-- I... I think that's over.

I don't think anybody cares. Oh, I think the audience is still interested, you know.

I think it's one of those things that we should at least touch on.

I don't know. It's-- it's-- it's--

I don't-- See, here, my thing--

I don't-- I don't see what the big deal is.

I just-- I mean, I'm an actress.

I don't-- I should be able to play a homosexual,

a heterosexual, anything. Mm-hmm.

I mean, John Lithgow isn't really from outer space.

Well, you don't know him as well as I do.

I think there's a good chance he is.

(laughs) Really?

You know, it hurts. All that publicity

and we're still getting our ass kicked by "The Nanny."

That hurts. Yeah.

Well, maybe we can have fun with it.

Maybe there's a way to come up with something

that would be, you know--

you know-- different, fun.

Yeah. You know what might be funny,

if, uh-- if you ask me if my character's gay...

Yeah. And, uh, I-- I take a moment,

and then I-- I become Ellen Morgan,

and then I kiss you.

And then-- then you can decide.

Oh, that could be funny. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, um...

like this. Eh?

(laughs)

That should-- that would-- I think the audience--

I'll-- I'll tell you what I-- what's funnier.

What would be a funnier way to go, Huh?

If I-- if I may. Yeah.

Is I think you go even a little further.

So, you do the same thing. You ask if your character's gay, Uh-huh.

and then I go to test you and I...

See, 'cause then-- then it looks like-- That's-- that's funny.

It looks like, uh-- It looks like you're really...

Getting into it. Getting into it.

Yeah, that would be-- That would fool 'em.

You know what-- what might be, um, hilarious,

if we want to really go for hilarious,

which I know we both do... Yeah?

if, um-- if we, uh-- you do the-- the-- the question,

Okay. and then I-- and then I kiss you,

but when I kiss you, instead, it's more like-- Yeah. Okay.

(Larry moans)

God, what a surprise. Yeah.

What a-- Jesus.

I mean, where did you learn all that?

Oh, camp.

Well, good job.

Yeah, thanks.

I, um... I have to get to work.

Aww... So...

Um, what time do I get to the show?

It's times like this, Larry, that I am so fucking excited

to be your agent.

The second Ellen comes out, or her character comes out,

or I don't give a shit which,

I am on the phone with promotions,

and we're cutting promos.

"Tonight, Ellen has a secret,

and Larry's got it!"

(chuckles)

And, you know, she's also got a hilarious story

about her, um, mother.

Who gives a shit?

Unless she had sex with her mother.

Now, that would be a great cue.

"Tonight on 'Larry Sanders,'

"Ellen sleeps with her mother!

It's a family affair!"

Aren't we hitting this a little hard?

Well, she's the one that's been promoting it.

We're just playing along.

Larry, you just get her relaxed,

and then boom!

You pounce on her!

Oh, Jesus Christ! I am so excited.

The only thing that would be better

is if you came out!

All right, look, you know, I think we're a-- a-- avoiding

one little question here.

What if she's not a lesbian?

Did you guys ever think of that?

Oh, man. I-- She's a lesbian. I can tell.

All right? I've had sex with a lesbian.

So you had sex with a lesbian.

You gotta have sex with two lesbians.

That's the whole point. Well, wait a minute. Are you-- did--

You're saying a-- a lesbian can have sex...

with a man?

Yeah. Best piece of ass I ever had.

Really?

I need to make more money. Phil!

What? Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry. Did I just say that out loud?

I've been saying it over and over in my head,

and I guess one just slipped out.

Yeah, it slipped out, all right.

Why don't you try slippin' it back in?

Listen, can we have a meeting here, you two? Come on.

Phil, what do you-- what do you think about Ellen?

I'd like to make what she makes.

Uh-huh.

Mary Lou: Well, I think maybe Larry is right,

because I've seen Ellen with men before.

Someone shut her up! Come on, you know--

Okay, I-- I'm sorry. I apologize.

There's no reason for me to be a prick.

But it's my job, all right?

I'm sorry. I'm just so excited here, Larry.

It's hard to contain myself.

This is our opportunity here

to kick Leno's fucking ass!

Who, uh-- who else is on, uh, tonight?

My first guest is a wonderful actress

and a hilarious comedienne.

We're thrilled to have her on the show.

She's, uh, of course, the star

of her own sitcom called "Ellen."

This is her new CD, "Taste This."

Please welcome Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen!

(audience cheers and applauds) (music plays)

Ooh, this audience.

What's going on, Beverly? I can't even hear Larry

above the rustling of papers.

What do you mean?

I think you know what I mean.

I just happened to pick up a copy

of my budget yesterday,

and it smelled remarkably like Chanel No. 5...

(sniffs) a fragrance which I believe you wear.

I am so sorry, Artie.

I did not mean for this to happen.

I don't want to hear that shit.

This is what you're going to do.

You're going to tell the entire staff and crew

that this year we'll be shooting shows

all through Christmas week,

including Christmas Eve.

Is that true?

No, but by the time they find out,

they will have forgotten all about the fucking budget.

Oh, Artie, please don't make me do that.

They'll all hate me.

Of course they will, sweetie.

And that's why, my dearest,

you make $5.00 a week more than Brian.

Skiddoo!

So let's talk about the series.

What's the plan for this series, Ellen? I-- Well--

It's been in the news, as you well know.

You know, I don't know what you're talking about.

I-- I keep hearing little flutters of things.

I-- I don't watch TV, myself.

I don't-- I don't own a TV, so-- You don't?

You don't own-- Now why don't you own a TV?

It-- it influences me too much in my work.

I, uh, recently caught an-- an old Cosby rerun,

and suddenly my character's a black,

50-year-old gynecologist,

and I decided no more.

I saw that one. So on-- on the series this year,

is the character gonna be dating

a lot of, uh, guys on the series? Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good thing to watch for. 'Cause there--

You want to watch every week to find out if-- if she will do that or not.

That would be great. Yeah. Well, is she-- is there any-- is that--

Is the character-- There's a rumor going around

that she could be, you know--

the-- the character this season may actually, um...

Well, let me ask you this. Would your character--

I'm trying to scramble some of these words around to form a sentence.

Well, let me-- let me ask you this.

Would the-- Would the, uh--

(audience cheers and applauds)

Would the character--

Would the character of Ellen ever sleep with-- with a man?

Well, sure, if he were feminine enough.

(audience laughs and cheers)

Let's take a break. We'll come right back

with, uh, Ellen DeGeneres after this break.

(audience cheers and applauds) We'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

Man: Clear!

Are you gonna keep hammering me about this lesbian stuff?

I think this is going great. I think this is very funny.

I don't. I do.

I-- Look, I'm just doing my job. It's funny.

You're just doing your job.

You know, I-- I understand

if this is coming from Letterman.

I didn't sleep with him. Hm?

(stammers) Am-- am-- am I the only host you've slept with?

Am I the only guest you've slept with?

What is the matter with you?

(mutters)

Very, very, very, funny.

I not only peed me pants, I shat them.

(quietly) Boy, she's getting ready to crack.

Boy, I'm tingling in my back,

in my hair and my... (muttering)

I am moving on to the, uh, mother story.

Okay?

You're the boss.

Listen, when we started this show,

we agreed that the duty of the talk show host

was to be controversial and funny,

no matter what the cost.

Why don't you go get her?

The whole nation is watching.

Sic her, tiger.

Okay, let's just-- let's just-- let's just...

let's just be-- go and be honest. Let's-- Okay?

Okay, let's do that.

We're back with, uh, Ellen DeGeneres.

We're back.

(audience cheers and applauds)

We were just talking about your new-- your-- your--

We were just talking about your series,

your-- your wonderfully successful television series,

and whether the character of Ellen

was, uh, in fact, um, gay-- Uh, no, I-- I don't recall

that that's what we were talking about.

We were talking about, you know--

We-- we should just be honest about this.

Man, I give up.

You know what fucking Beverly just told me?

What? We have to work Christmas week.

What? No way.

I'm going home Christmas week. I'm flying home!

No. Well, you're not going home now.

(sighs)

You're right. It's time to be honest.

I think that--

(audience cheers and applauds)

Um, I've always, uh...

I've always felt that it-- that-- that my private life is my private life,

Mm-hmm. but for some reason, people want my private life

to be a part of my public life, so I--

Well, you know, as a celebrity,

I think you share some of that with the public. Yeah, I think I definitely--

I think I do owe that to the public, so I-- Yeah.

I guess I should say that I...

last night, slept with Larry Sanders.

(audience cheers and applauds)

Audience: Larry! Larry! Larry!

Larry! Larry! Larry!

(audience cheers and applauds)

Okay...

It was, uh-- it was terrific.

I mean, it was actually--

What-- what's odd, though, it-- it seemed--

you-- you seemed very uncomfortable

with me on top, and I thought, "Why, uh..."

(audience laughs)

But then again, you seemed uncomfortable

with me on-- on the bottom, too.

So, I don't know what, uh, to tell you.

It was great. It was-- Yeah.

Did you enjoy it as much as I did? (laughs nervously)

There was a...

There was a-- There was one time

and I-- I-- that-- first of all,

you're very, very attentive, too. I--

He must have-- he must have asked me three times

how am I doing, and so, uh... (audience laughs)

That was, uh, that was sweet of you.

There was one time I-- I just-- I woke up this morning

thinking that there was something very, uh, amazing.

Thing's that I'd never felt before,

and I realized I was laying on your hairbrush

at one point, and, uh... (audience laughs)

I guess we'll be doing the show from Bakersfield now.

(end music playing)