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1
00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:08,079
Where do you want to take this
merry little carnival?
2
00:00:08,099 --> 00:00:09,249
What about Montana?
3
00:00:09,269 --> 00:00:12,069
The cold weather
will be invigorating.
4
00:00:12,089 --> 00:00:13,189
I'll die there.
5
00:00:13,210 --> 00:00:15,150
They'll find me in the spring
buried in the snow
6
00:00:15,169 --> 00:00:17,269
like one of those
fucking dead moose.
7
00:00:17,289 --> 00:00:19,019
I need heat.
8
00:00:19,039 --> 00:00:21,119
Let's take the show
to, um... hell.
9
00:00:22,140 --> 00:00:23,230
Or Hawaii.
10
00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:25,090
Well, we gotta have
a lot better numbers
11
00:00:25,109 --> 00:00:26,139
to go to Hawaii.
12
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:27,270
Well, you know,
if we had better numbers,
13
00:00:27,289 --> 00:00:30,199
we wouldn't need to go on
the road to get better numbers.
14
00:00:30,219 --> 00:00:32,049
Fuck me.
Cheer up.
15
00:00:32,070 --> 00:00:33,200
Come on. We're gonna have
a wonderful dinner.
16
00:00:33,219 --> 00:00:35,249
It's my birthday.
17
00:00:35,270 --> 00:00:37,050
I forgot. I forgot
it's your birthday!
18
00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:38,060
No, you didn't.
19
00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:39,079
You already
booked reservations
20
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:40,150
at my favorite restaurant,
21
00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:41,240
you're surprising me
with a cake--
22
00:00:41,259 --> 00:00:44,059
chocolate hazelnut.
Thanks, buddy.
23
00:00:44,079 --> 00:00:45,239
Good. Well,
you're welcome.
24
00:00:45,259 --> 00:00:46,249
How thoughtful of me.
25
00:00:46,270 --> 00:00:48,140
You're the best.
Come on. Come on,
26
00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:50,019
it's my birthday.
All right.
27
00:00:50,039 --> 00:00:51,059
Beverly, I'm in a bit
of a hurry.
28
00:00:51,079 --> 00:00:52,169
Guard this
with your life.
29
00:00:52,189 --> 00:00:55,029
Put it in my desk,
bottom right-hand drawer.
30
00:00:55,049 --> 00:00:56,189
It's the budget.
31
00:00:56,210 --> 00:00:58,020
(loudly) Come on!
I'd be happy to.
32
00:00:58,039 --> 00:01:00,039
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
33
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:03,110
Gee. Come on.
Let's go.
I'm coming.
34
00:01:08,039 --> 00:01:09,249
Shoot.
35
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:22,260
(machine copying)
36
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,270
(gasps)
What?!
37
00:01:24,289 --> 00:01:26,269
Oh, you can't go sneaking up
on people like that!
38
00:01:26,289 --> 00:01:28,049
This is the copy room.
39
00:01:28,069 --> 00:01:29,119
I came in
to make a copy.
40
00:01:29,140 --> 00:01:31,110
What are you doing?
Nothing.
41
00:01:31,129 --> 00:01:32,179
Are you smoking pot?
42
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,080
No. I'm just making a copy
of something.
43
00:01:37,270 --> 00:01:40,040
Hey, Beverly...
What? What?
44
00:01:40,060 --> 00:01:41,280
I think something
really cool is going on here,
45
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,240
and you're not
letting me in on it.
46
00:01:44,259 --> 00:01:46,149
Okay...
47
00:01:47,229 --> 00:01:50,239
Mary Lou, if I show you
something,
48
00:01:50,259 --> 00:01:53,129
you promise-- you promise you
won't tell a single soul?
49
00:01:53,150 --> 00:01:54,260
Yes.
50
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,050
Okay.
51
00:01:58,210 --> 00:02:00,120
This is the budget to the show.
Where'd you get this?
52
00:02:00,140 --> 00:02:02,150
Uh, I kinda borrowed it
from Artie.
53
00:02:02,170 --> 00:02:03,170
You stole it?
54
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:04,179
No, I didn't steal it.
55
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,250
I'm just gonna
make one copy for myself,
56
00:02:06,269 --> 00:02:09,999
and then I was gonna,
uh, put it right back.
57
00:02:10,020 --> 00:02:12,060
Wow, everyone's salaries
are in here.
58
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:13,230
Yeah, that's right.
Everybody.
59
00:02:13,250 --> 00:02:15,130
Oh, my God.
60
00:02:15,150 --> 00:02:17,000
Look how much
Jake the grip makes.
61
00:02:17,020 --> 00:02:19,050
Next time he asks me out,
I'm gonna say yes.
62
00:02:19,069 --> 00:02:21,229
Goodness gracious,
check out hair and makeup.
63
00:02:21,250 --> 00:02:23,100
Livin' large.
64
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:24,120
How can you make
that much money
65
00:02:24,139 --> 00:02:26,049
for just standing
around gossiping?
66
00:02:26,069 --> 00:02:27,229
Oh, don't you just
hate 'em?
67
00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:28,240
They have nothing
better to do
68
00:02:28,259 --> 00:02:30,139
than just snoop in other
people's business.
69
00:02:30,159 --> 00:02:31,239
Yeah.
70
00:02:31,259 --> 00:02:34,199
Sure, why?
I mean, well, like I said,
71
00:02:34,219 --> 00:02:37,019
it was Eva Gabor.
It was her first orgasm,
72
00:02:37,039 --> 00:02:38,159
and she just
couldn't thank me enough.
73
00:02:38,180 --> 00:02:40,220
We were hurtling along
across Mulholland,
74
00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:41,240
about 80 miles an hour.
75
00:02:41,259 --> 00:02:44,209
Zsa Zsa was at the wheel.
Oh, mama!
76
00:02:44,229 --> 00:02:45,999
And I was--
as you might say--
I can't--
77
00:02:46,020 --> 00:02:47,180
I was working
under the hood.
78
00:02:47,199 --> 00:02:48,209
(laughs)
I get it.
I get it.
79
00:02:48,229 --> 00:02:50,089
Open-- open this.
Open this up.
80
00:02:50,110 --> 00:02:51,150
Oh, buddy.
Open it.
81
00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:53,110
No, you shouldn't have.
Come on.
82
00:02:53,129 --> 00:02:55,079
Oh, you deserve it.
83
00:02:55,099 --> 00:02:59,009
Oh, look what you got me.
What is it?
What is it?
84
00:02:59,030 --> 00:03:02,010
It's a wallet.
It's got a fish on it.
Oh, that's a nice one.
85
00:03:02,030 --> 00:03:03,160
You like it?
Yeah.
86
00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:04,270
Okay.
You-- It's yours.
87
00:03:04,289 --> 00:03:06,129
Really? 'Cause I need
a new wallet.
Yeah.
88
00:03:06,150 --> 00:03:08,090
Yeah, you-- you can have it.
It's yours.
89
00:03:08,110 --> 00:03:10,220
This is the best birthday
I've ever had.
90
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,240
(whispering)
Oh, gee. Uh...
don't breathe,
91
00:03:12,259 --> 00:03:15,169
but Ellen DeGeneres
is at 12:00.
92
00:03:17,009 --> 00:03:19,099
No, no, that--
that's 3:00.
12:00!
93
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,240
No, this is 12:00.
94
00:03:20,259 --> 00:03:23,179
No, you're-- My 12:00.
3:00? My 3:00
is over that way.
95
00:03:23,199 --> 00:03:25,009
No, goddamn it!
Just tell me where she is.
96
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:26,030
She's right
over your shoulder.
97
00:03:26,050 --> 00:03:27,230
Don't look!
That's 9:00.
98
00:03:29,069 --> 00:03:32,069
That lady is a lightning rod
of sexual controversy.
99
00:03:32,090 --> 00:03:33,190
I smell ratings.
100
00:03:33,210 --> 00:03:34,230
And I smell
Glenlivet.
101
00:03:34,250 --> 00:03:35,240
I am not
going over there
102
00:03:35,259 --> 00:03:37,009
to ask her
to do the show.
103
00:03:37,030 --> 00:03:40,120
If we could just
boost our ratings
just a teeny tiny bit, huh?
104
00:03:40,139 --> 00:03:42,089
Then we can all
go to...
105
00:03:42,110 --> 00:03:46,220
(vocalizing)
Ooh-ooh. Bling bling.
Whoo-whoo! Hmm-mm-mmm.
106
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:47,240
Hawaii?
107
00:03:49,139 --> 00:03:51,029
Okay.
108
00:03:55,250 --> 00:03:58,170
Hi. Hi, Ellen.
Sorry to interrupt.
109
00:03:58,189 --> 00:03:59,179
Hi, Larry.
Hi.
110
00:03:59,199 --> 00:04:01,079
Are you our waiter?
I am your waiter.
111
00:04:01,099 --> 00:04:02,129
(all chuckle)
112
00:04:02,150 --> 00:04:03,240
Gee, I thought things
were going so well.
113
00:04:03,259 --> 00:04:05,059
Oh, please, let's not
get into it here.
114
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,280
Would you ladies
like to hear the specials?
115
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,230
This is
my friend Sarah.
116
00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:10,250
Hello. Hello.
Listen, you were great
on Leno the other night.
117
00:04:10,270 --> 00:04:12,120
Just terrific, really.
Thank you.
118
00:04:12,139 --> 00:04:14,119
And we'd love to have you
on our show sometime.
119
00:04:14,139 --> 00:04:16,009
Really?
Um...
120
00:04:16,029 --> 00:04:17,249
I'm on hiatus this week.
I could do it.
121
00:04:17,269 --> 00:04:19,199
This week works for us.
122
00:04:19,220 --> 00:04:21,260
How 'bout Thursday?
'Cause that's good for me.
123
00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:24,149
Thursday we've
got Superman, Hercules,
124
00:04:24,170 --> 00:04:26,150
and Dr. Quinn
Medicine Woman.
125
00:04:26,170 --> 00:04:28,140
Wow. Well, then,
some other time.
126
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:31,050
No, no, no, no, no.
Hercules can go fuck himself.
(chuckles)
127
00:04:31,069 --> 00:04:33,029
Come on. We'll bump him,
you come on.
128
00:04:33,050 --> 00:04:34,080
Really?
Want to? Yeah.
129
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:35,220
Yeah.
I would love to.
130
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,090
Great.
Okay.
131
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:40,130
So, could we maybe
have dinner
132
00:04:40,149 --> 00:04:42,109
and talk about
what I'll do on the show or?
133
00:04:42,129 --> 00:04:44,089
Sure.
That's a great idea.
Okay.
134
00:04:44,110 --> 00:04:46,080
I'm so excited.
This has made my night.
Yeah.
135
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:47,170
Yeah. Well, me, too.
136
00:04:47,189 --> 00:04:50,009
Thanks. Okay, well, let me
get you ladies some rolls.
137
00:04:50,029 --> 00:04:52,049
Okay.
I'll get some rolls
and I'll-- and I'll come back.
138
00:04:52,069 --> 00:04:53,159
Get bread rolls.
Whatever you want.
Yeah.
139
00:04:53,180 --> 00:04:55,170
Yeah, sourdough
is good.
You got it.
140
00:04:55,189 --> 00:04:57,089
I-- I may not be back
for a couple of days.
141
00:04:57,110 --> 00:04:59,020
Okay.
142
00:05:01,269 --> 00:05:03,019
(chuckles)
143
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,190
Well, I booked her.
144
00:05:05,209 --> 00:05:07,079
I booked her
for this week.
145
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:08,200
Yeah?
And we're gonna
have dinner
146
00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:11,060
to talk about what
she's gonna do on the show.
147
00:05:11,079 --> 00:05:12,259
Is her girlfriend
coming, too?
148
00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:14,099
Oh, for God sakes.
How come every time
149
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:15,140
you see two women
together,
150
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,060
you automatically
think they're gay?
151
00:05:17,079 --> 00:05:19,189
Oh, come on, Larry. What?
What?
152
00:05:19,209 --> 00:05:20,999
We're together.
Does that mean we're gay?
153
00:05:21,019 --> 00:05:23,079
No, but the night's
still young.
154
00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:25,020
It's my birthday.
155
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:26,260
No, no,
this isn't right.
156
00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:27,269
You've got
all of Hank's lines
157
00:05:27,290 --> 00:05:29,160
under the name
"Nurse Libido."
158
00:05:29,180 --> 00:05:31,000
That's his name
in the sketch.
159
00:05:31,019 --> 00:05:32,039
Yeah, haven't I told you
160
00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:34,140
that you never write Hank's
character name on the card?
161
00:05:34,159 --> 00:05:37,019
You have to write "Hank,"
or he won't read it.
162
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:38,040
goddamn it,
how many times
163
00:05:38,060 --> 00:05:39,270
do I have to fucking
go over this with you?
164
00:05:39,290 --> 00:05:41,290
Up yours,
you snot-nosed kid!
165
00:05:43,220 --> 00:05:44,240
Are you on
a magic marker high?
166
00:05:44,259 --> 00:05:46,269
Just because you make
more money than me
167
00:05:46,290 --> 00:05:48,140
doesn't mean you're
my fucking boss.
168
00:05:48,159 --> 00:05:50,079
Are you nuts?
169
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,280
I worked for Bob Hope.
170
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:53,120
You should be
kissing my ass
171
00:05:53,139 --> 00:05:55,199
that I even print
your shit.
172
00:05:55,220 --> 00:05:58,020
(scoffs) Then why to they pay me
a thousand times what you make,
173
00:05:58,040 --> 00:05:59,080
huh, Jerkby?
174
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:00,240
It's five times.
175
00:06:04,209 --> 00:06:06,079
Christ, this is
the budget.
176
00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:07,090
Where did you get this?
177
00:06:07,110 --> 00:06:09,050
From my ass!
178
00:06:11,069 --> 00:06:12,189
Look at what
the best boy makes.
179
00:06:12,209 --> 00:06:14,079
He doesn't deserve that.
180
00:06:15,199 --> 00:06:16,189
Where you goin'?
181
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,029
I'm gonna give him
some shit.
182
00:06:19,069 --> 00:06:20,209
I don't have
a tie on.
(humming)
183
00:06:20,230 --> 00:06:22,120
I took it off.
I know. I'm just
fixing your collar.
184
00:06:22,139 --> 00:06:24,249
Try to get her
to come out on our show.
185
00:06:24,269 --> 00:06:26,209
Oh, for God sakes,
Letterman tried that.
186
00:06:26,230 --> 00:06:28,120
He got nowhere.
I'm not gonna do it.
187
00:06:28,139 --> 00:06:29,289
So what? Why would she
come out on Letterman?
188
00:06:30,009 --> 00:06:31,999
Because David obviously
has crossed over
189
00:06:32,019 --> 00:06:33,209
to the dark side
of the forest.
190
00:06:33,230 --> 00:06:34,220
Larry:
Please stop.
191
00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,050
Have a nice dinner.
Thank you.
192
00:06:36,069 --> 00:06:37,279
Who you going
to dinner with?
193
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,020
I'm going
with Ellen DeGeneres.
194
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:41,160
Oh, really?
I like her.
195
00:06:41,180 --> 00:06:43,220
Yeah, I-- I hear she plays
on her own team,
196
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,020
if you-- if you know
what I mean.
197
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,070
Yeah?
Really?
198
00:06:46,090 --> 00:06:48,170
Yeah. Well, listen, uh,
I-- I believe I know more
199
00:06:48,189 --> 00:06:50,149
about homosexuality
than you two.
200
00:06:50,170 --> 00:06:53,260
After all, I-- I'm the one
with the gay assistant.
201
00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:55,049
And that's--
that's why I know
202
00:06:55,069 --> 00:06:57,039
she's a--
a doughnut humper.
203
00:06:57,060 --> 00:06:58,170
Bumper.
204
00:06:58,189 --> 00:07:00,219
That's why I know
she's a doughnut bumper.
205
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,160
All right.
See you guys later.
206
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:05,260
You know, Artie...
207
00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:07,239
(clearing throat)
if I pull this off...
208
00:07:07,259 --> 00:07:09,179
I'm telling you, the network
better let me do the show
209
00:07:09,199 --> 00:07:10,189
wherever the fuck we want.
210
00:07:10,209 --> 00:07:12,069
Well, Fiji, Hawaii.
211
00:07:12,089 --> 00:07:15,029
I mean, they'd be
so goddamn happy,
Yeah.
212
00:07:15,050 --> 00:07:16,190
they would let us
do the fucking show
213
00:07:16,209 --> 00:07:19,089
from between
Anna Nicole Smith's titties.
(chuckles)
214
00:07:20,290 --> 00:07:21,280
All right,
here we go.
215
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:23,200
Where are you going?
To my car.
216
00:07:23,220 --> 00:07:24,230
Well, you're not
going with us.
217
00:07:24,250 --> 00:07:25,260
I know that.
218
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,189
Well, where you goin'?
What's it to ya?
219
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:35,230
Jesus, Hank is the most overpaid
man in show business.
220
00:07:37,029 --> 00:07:38,289
Give me that.
221
00:07:39,009 --> 00:07:41,009
Jake, who gave this
to you?
222
00:07:41,029 --> 00:07:42,089
Mary Lou:
Hey, Jake.
223
00:07:44,019 --> 00:07:45,059
Hey, Mary Lou.
224
00:07:45,079 --> 00:07:46,259
Beverly:
Oh, I should have guessed.
225
00:07:46,279 --> 00:07:49,049
You, uh,
ready to go?
226
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:51,039
Sure. Uh, let me
go get my jacket.
227
00:07:55,230 --> 00:07:57,050
Brian, thank God
you're still here.
228
00:07:57,069 --> 00:07:59,239
You gotta help me.
I-- I made a big mistake.
229
00:07:59,259 --> 00:08:01,009
I mean,
thanks to me,
230
00:08:01,029 --> 00:08:02,179
this budget's
all over the office.
231
00:08:02,199 --> 00:08:03,209
Oh, I know.
232
00:08:03,230 --> 00:08:05,240
Fuck this.
I need to make more money.
233
00:08:05,259 --> 00:08:06,249
Oh, dear God.
234
00:08:06,269 --> 00:08:08,139
Oh-- Oh, there I am!
235
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:11,150
Oh, those jerks.
They spelled my name wrong.
236
00:08:11,170 --> 00:08:13,110
Oh, that...
237
00:08:13,129 --> 00:08:14,219
trollop!
238
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:15,240
Yeah, he is.
239
00:08:15,259 --> 00:08:18,259
Uh, that-- that's you?
Yeah. Oh, my God!
240
00:08:18,279 --> 00:08:20,109
Beverly, tell Larry
that I want to see him
241
00:08:20,129 --> 00:08:21,129
first thing in the morning.
242
00:08:21,149 --> 00:08:22,179
Look at this.
That's Hank.
243
00:08:22,199 --> 00:08:24,059
That's your salary?!
Yeah, that's my salary,
244
00:08:24,079 --> 00:08:26,179
but look at Hank's salary.
Oh, my God!
245
00:08:26,199 --> 00:08:28,259
I can't believe that guy.
He said he was broke.
246
00:08:28,279 --> 00:08:30,149
He's been
borrowing money from me.
247
00:08:30,170 --> 00:08:32,040
Wait, wait, wait.
Just a minute. Um...
248
00:08:32,059 --> 00:08:35,279
I-- I make $5.00 more
a week than you make?
249
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,050
Yeah. I mean, don't you think
you should make
250
00:08:38,070 --> 00:08:39,160
a little bit more
than me?
251
00:08:39,179 --> 00:08:42,039
Yeah, but I only make
$5.00 more than you.
252
00:08:42,059 --> 00:08:44,199
In a year, that's $250.
253
00:08:44,220 --> 00:08:46,040
Yeah, but, I've been
Larry 's assistant
254
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,149
for eight years, Brian.
255
00:08:47,169 --> 00:08:49,139
Oh, well, Beverly, um,
256
00:08:49,159 --> 00:08:52,029
I was with La Streisand
for five years,
257
00:08:52,049 --> 00:08:53,139
and I had high
salary quotes.
258
00:08:53,159 --> 00:08:55,279
And besides, I work
really hard for Hank.
259
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,120
I don't care.
I do everything for Larry.
260
00:08:58,139 --> 00:09:00,049
He's a big baby.
Oh, really?
261
00:09:00,070 --> 00:09:02,090
Have you ever waxed
Larry 's back?
262
00:09:02,110 --> 00:09:05,150
Have you ever poked around
in Great Dane shit
looking for a ring?
263
00:09:05,169 --> 00:09:07,149
No, I haven't,
but that's just because
264
00:09:07,169 --> 00:09:10,139
I'm more a crucial part
to this production.
265
00:09:10,159 --> 00:09:14,049
We'll talk about,
uh, your CD.
266
00:09:14,070 --> 00:09:15,070
Is that what
you want to do?
267
00:09:15,090 --> 00:09:17,130
Yeah. You know,
we should do that--
the funny story
268
00:09:17,149 --> 00:09:18,159
that I told you
about my mother.
269
00:09:18,179 --> 00:09:20,069
Yeah? Oh, that's a great story.
We'll do that,
270
00:09:20,090 --> 00:09:21,220
and then we can talk
about your series,
271
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:25,060
or, um... you know, uh,
whether your character's
coming out gay.
272
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,280
Get that out of the way.
And then, uh--
I... I think that's over.
273
00:09:28,009 --> 00:09:30,249
I don't think anybody cares.
Oh, I think the audience
is still interested, you know.
274
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:33,069
I think it's one of those things
that we should at least
touch on.
275
00:09:33,090 --> 00:09:34,150
I don't know.
It's-- it's-- it's--
276
00:09:34,169 --> 00:09:36,049
I don't-- See, here,
my thing--
277
00:09:36,070 --> 00:09:37,250
I don't-- I don't see
what the big deal is.
278
00:09:37,269 --> 00:09:39,119
I just-- I mean,
I'm an actress.
279
00:09:39,139 --> 00:09:42,019
I don't-- I should be able
to play a homosexual,
280
00:09:42,039 --> 00:09:43,219
a heterosexual, anything.
Mm-hmm.
281
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:46,070
I mean, John Lithgow
isn't really from outer space.
282
00:09:46,090 --> 00:09:47,220
Well, you don't know him
as well as I do.
283
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,120
I think there's
a good chance he is.
284
00:09:49,139 --> 00:09:51,269
(laughs)
Really?
285
00:09:51,289 --> 00:09:54,059
You know, it hurts.
All that publicity
286
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:56,060
and we're still getting
our ass kicked by "The Nanny."
287
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:57,120
That hurts.
Yeah.
288
00:09:57,139 --> 00:09:59,089
Well, maybe we can
have fun with it.
289
00:09:59,110 --> 00:10:00,280
Maybe there's a way to
come up with something
290
00:10:01,009 --> 00:10:03,169
that would be,
you know--
291
00:10:03,190 --> 00:10:05,180
you know--
different, fun.
292
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,050
Yeah. You know
what might be funny,
293
00:10:08,070 --> 00:10:11,200
if, uh-- if you ask me
if my character's gay...
294
00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:14,000
Yeah.
And, uh, I-- I take a moment,
295
00:10:14,019 --> 00:10:16,119
and then I-- I become
Ellen Morgan,
296
00:10:16,139 --> 00:10:18,149
and then I kiss you.
297
00:10:18,169 --> 00:10:20,069
And then--
then you can decide.
298
00:10:20,090 --> 00:10:22,230
Oh, that could be funny.
Yeah. Yeah.
299
00:10:22,250 --> 00:10:24,220
Like, um...
300
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,270
like this.
Eh?
301
00:10:29,190 --> 00:10:30,250
(laughs)
302
00:10:33,190 --> 00:10:35,140
That should-- that would--
I think the audience--
303
00:10:35,159 --> 00:10:37,029
I'll-- I'll tell you
what I-- what's funnier.
304
00:10:37,049 --> 00:10:38,159
What would be
a funnier way to go,
Huh?
305
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,249
If I-- if I may.
Yeah.
306
00:10:39,269 --> 00:10:41,999
Is I think you go
even a little further.
307
00:10:42,019 --> 00:10:44,089
So, you do the same thing.
You ask if your character's gay,
Uh-huh.
308
00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:46,030
and then I go
to test you and I...
309
00:10:51,049 --> 00:10:53,079
See, 'cause then--
then it looks like--
That's-- that's funny.
310
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:55,090
It looks like, uh--
It looks like
you're really...
311
00:10:55,110 --> 00:10:56,160
Getting into it.
Getting into it.
312
00:10:56,179 --> 00:10:58,059
Yeah, that would be--
That would fool 'em.
313
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,250
You know what--
what might be, um, hilarious,
314
00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:03,219
if we want to
really go for hilarious,
315
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,180
which I know
we both do...
Yeah?
316
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:09,100
if, um-- if we, uh--
you do the-- the-- the question,
317
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:11,080
Okay.
and then I--
and then I kiss you,
318
00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:14,040
but when I kiss you,
instead, it's more like--
Yeah. Okay.
319
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,249
(Larry moans)
320
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,020
God, what a surprise.
Yeah.
321
00:11:21,039 --> 00:11:22,049
What a-- Jesus.
322
00:11:22,070 --> 00:11:24,020
I mean, where did you
learn all that?
323
00:11:24,039 --> 00:11:25,179
Oh, camp.
324
00:11:27,029 --> 00:11:28,059
Well, good job.
325
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,000
Yeah, thanks.
326
00:11:30,019 --> 00:11:33,149
I, um...
I have to get to work.
327
00:11:33,169 --> 00:11:35,039
Aww...
So...
328
00:11:35,059 --> 00:11:38,009
Um, what time do I get
to the show?
329
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,270
It's times like this, Larry,
that I am so fucking excited
330
00:11:43,289 --> 00:11:45,159
to be your agent.
331
00:11:45,179 --> 00:11:48,239
The second Ellen comes out,
or her character comes out,
332
00:11:48,259 --> 00:11:50,129
or I don't give a shit which,
333
00:11:50,149 --> 00:11:52,059
I am on the phone
with promotions,
334
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:53,290
and we're cutting promos.
335
00:11:54,009 --> 00:11:55,999
"Tonight,
Ellen has a secret,
336
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:57,169
and Larry's got it!"
337
00:11:58,169 --> 00:12:00,069
(chuckles)
338
00:12:00,090 --> 00:12:02,150
And, you know,
she's also got a hilarious story
339
00:12:02,169 --> 00:12:04,139
about her, um, mother.
340
00:12:04,159 --> 00:12:05,169
Who gives a shit?
341
00:12:05,190 --> 00:12:06,240
Unless she had sex
with her mother.
342
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:08,159
Now, that would be a great cue.
343
00:12:08,179 --> 00:12:09,229
"Tonight on 'Larry Sanders,'
344
00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:11,050
"Ellen sleeps
with her mother!
345
00:12:11,070 --> 00:12:12,230
It's a family affair!"
346
00:12:12,250 --> 00:12:15,180
Aren't we hitting this
a little hard?
347
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,120
Well, she's the one
that's been promoting it.
348
00:12:17,139 --> 00:12:18,169
We're just playing along.
349
00:12:18,190 --> 00:12:21,020
Larry, you just
get her relaxed,
350
00:12:21,039 --> 00:12:22,139
and then boom!
351
00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:23,259
You pounce on her!
352
00:12:23,279 --> 00:12:25,289
Oh, Jesus Christ!
I am so excited.
353
00:12:26,009 --> 00:12:27,039
The only thing
that would be better
354
00:12:27,059 --> 00:12:28,139
is if you came out!
355
00:12:28,159 --> 00:12:32,039
All right, look, you know,
I think we're a-- a-- avoiding
356
00:12:32,059 --> 00:12:33,189
one little question here.
357
00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:34,240
What if she's not
a lesbian?
358
00:12:34,259 --> 00:12:35,279
Did you guys ever
think of that?
359
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,200
Oh, man. I--
She's a lesbian. I can tell.
360
00:12:38,220 --> 00:12:40,090
All right? I've had sex
with a lesbian.
361
00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:41,270
So you had sex
with a lesbian.
362
00:12:41,289 --> 00:12:43,159
You gotta have sex
with two lesbians.
363
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,269
That's the whole point.
Well, wait a minute.
Are you-- did--
364
00:12:45,289 --> 00:12:48,059
You're saying a--
a lesbian can have sex...
365
00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:49,090
with a man?
366
00:12:49,110 --> 00:12:51,250
Yeah.
Best piece of ass I ever had.
367
00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:54,129
Really?
368
00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:56,239
I need to make
more money.
Phil!
369
00:12:56,259 --> 00:12:59,139
What? Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
Did I just say that out loud?
370
00:12:59,159 --> 00:13:01,009
I've been saying it over
and over in my head,
371
00:13:01,029 --> 00:13:02,099
and I guess one
just slipped out.
372
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:03,160
Yeah, it slipped out,
all right.
373
00:13:03,179 --> 00:13:05,029
Why don't you try
slippin' it back in?
374
00:13:05,049 --> 00:13:07,059
Listen, can we have a meeting
here, you two? Come on.
375
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,020
Phil, what do you--
what do you think
about Ellen?
376
00:13:10,110 --> 00:13:11,200
I'd like to make
what she makes.
377
00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:13,150
Uh-huh.
378
00:13:13,169 --> 00:13:15,029
Mary Lou:
Well, I think maybe
Larry is right,
379
00:13:15,049 --> 00:13:17,189
because I've seen Ellen
with men before.
380
00:13:17,210 --> 00:13:19,280
Someone shut her up!
Come on, you know--
381
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,100
Okay, I-- I'm sorry.
I apologize.
382
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,290
There's no reason
for me to be a prick.
383
00:13:23,009 --> 00:13:25,019
But it's my job,
all right?
384
00:13:25,039 --> 00:13:28,159
I'm sorry.
I'm just so excited here, Larry.
385
00:13:28,179 --> 00:13:29,259
It's hard to
contain myself.
386
00:13:29,279 --> 00:13:31,269
This is
our opportunity here
387
00:13:31,289 --> 00:13:34,219
to kick Leno's fucking ass!
388
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:37,150
Who, uh-- who else
is on, uh, tonight?
389
00:13:37,169 --> 00:13:39,249
My first guest
is a wonderful actress
390
00:13:39,269 --> 00:13:41,169
and a hilarious
comedienne.
391
00:13:41,190 --> 00:13:43,140
We're thrilled to have her
on the show.
392
00:13:43,159 --> 00:13:45,239
She's, uh, of course, the star
393
00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:47,079
of her own sitcom
called "Ellen."
394
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:49,080
This is her new CD,
"Taste This."
395
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:51,130
Please welcome
Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen!
396
00:13:51,149 --> 00:13:53,099
(audience cheers and applauds)
(music plays)
397
00:14:09,009 --> 00:14:11,019
Ooh, this audience.
398
00:14:14,159 --> 00:14:16,179
What's going on, Beverly?
I can't even hear Larry
399
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,130
above the rustling
of papers.
400
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:20,009
What do you mean?
401
00:14:20,029 --> 00:14:22,209
I think you know
what I mean.
402
00:14:22,230 --> 00:14:24,080
I just happened
to pick up a copy
403
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:25,290
of my budget yesterday,
404
00:14:26,009 --> 00:14:28,239
and it smelled remarkably
like Chanel No. 5...
405
00:14:28,259 --> 00:14:31,159
(sniffs)
a fragrance which
I believe you wear.
406
00:14:31,179 --> 00:14:32,289
I am so sorry, Artie.
407
00:14:33,009 --> 00:14:34,159
I did not mean
for this to happen.
408
00:14:34,179 --> 00:14:36,119
I don't want
to hear that shit.
409
00:14:38,029 --> 00:14:39,259
This is what
you're going to do.
410
00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:42,239
You're going to tell
the entire staff and crew
411
00:14:42,259 --> 00:14:44,229
that this year
we'll be shooting shows
412
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:46,140
all through
Christmas week,
413
00:14:46,159 --> 00:14:47,289
including Christmas Eve.
414
00:14:48,009 --> 00:14:48,999
Is that true?
415
00:14:49,019 --> 00:14:50,119
No, but by the time
they find out,
416
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:52,189
they will have forgotten
all about the fucking budget.
417
00:14:52,210 --> 00:14:54,010
Oh, Artie, please don't
make me do that.
418
00:14:54,029 --> 00:14:55,099
They'll all hate me.
419
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,100
Of course they will, sweetie.
420
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,180
And that's why,
my dearest,
421
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:01,110
you make $5.00 a week
more than Brian.
422
00:15:01,129 --> 00:15:02,189
Skiddoo!
423
00:15:03,279 --> 00:15:05,199
So let's talk
about the series.
424
00:15:05,220 --> 00:15:08,000
What's the plan for
this series, Ellen?
I-- Well--
425
00:15:08,019 --> 00:15:09,289
It's been in the news,
as you well know.
426
00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:11,179
You know, I don't know
what you're talking about.
427
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,160
I-- I keep hearing
little flutters of things.
428
00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:15,099
I-- I don't watch TV, myself.
429
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,050
I don't--
I don't own a TV, so--
You don't?
430
00:15:17,070 --> 00:15:19,090
You don't own--
Now why don't you own a TV?
431
00:15:19,110 --> 00:15:21,200
It-- it influences me too much
in my work.
432
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:24,240
I, uh, recently caught
an-- an old Cosby rerun,
433
00:15:24,259 --> 00:15:26,189
and suddenly
my character's a black,
434
00:15:26,210 --> 00:15:28,010
50-year-old gynecologist,
435
00:15:28,029 --> 00:15:30,069
and I decided no more.
436
00:15:30,090 --> 00:15:33,000
I saw that one.
So on-- on the series this year,
437
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:34,119
is the character
gonna be dating
438
00:15:34,139 --> 00:15:37,019
a lot of, uh, guys
on the series?
Yeah.
439
00:15:37,039 --> 00:15:39,019
Yeah, that's a good thing
to watch for.
'Cause there--
440
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:42,219
You want to watch every week
to find out if-- if she will
do that or not.
441
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,270
That would be great.
Yeah. Well, is she--
is there any-- is that--
442
00:15:45,289 --> 00:15:48,009
Is the character--
There's a rumor going around
443
00:15:48,029 --> 00:15:49,209
that she could be,
you know--
444
00:15:49,230 --> 00:15:52,280
the-- the character this season
may actually, um...
445
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,090
Well, let me ask you this.
Would your character--
446
00:15:55,110 --> 00:15:57,240
I'm trying to scramble
some of these words around
to form a sentence.
447
00:15:57,259 --> 00:15:59,089
Well, let me--
let me ask you this.
448
00:15:59,110 --> 00:16:00,250
Would the--
Would the, uh--
449
00:16:00,269 --> 00:16:03,019
(audience cheers and applauds)
450
00:16:06,149 --> 00:16:07,189
Would the character--
451
00:16:07,210 --> 00:16:11,070
Would the character of Ellen
ever sleep with-- with a man?
452
00:16:11,090 --> 00:16:13,070
Well, sure,
if he were feminine enough.
453
00:16:13,090 --> 00:16:17,060
(audience laughs and cheers)
454
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,070
Let's take a break.
We'll come right back
455
00:16:19,090 --> 00:16:21,280
with, uh, Ellen DeGeneres
after this break.
456
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,080
(audience cheers and applauds)
We'll be right back.
457
00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:28,060
We'll be right back.
458
00:16:29,070 --> 00:16:30,220
Man:
Clear!
459
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,250
Are you gonna keep hammering
me about this lesbian stuff?
460
00:16:32,269 --> 00:16:34,209
I think this is going great.
I think this is very funny.
461
00:16:34,230 --> 00:16:36,060
I don't.
I do.
462
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,260
I-- Look, I'm just
doing my job. It's funny.
463
00:16:37,279 --> 00:16:39,069
You're just doing your job.
464
00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:40,110
You know, I-- I understand
465
00:16:40,129 --> 00:16:41,139
if this is coming
from Letterman.
466
00:16:41,159 --> 00:16:43,139
I didn't sleep
with him.
Hm?
467
00:16:43,159 --> 00:16:46,249
(stammers) Am-- am--
am I the only host
you've slept with?
468
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,000
Am I the only guest
you've slept with?
469
00:16:52,129 --> 00:16:54,039
What is the matter
with you?
470
00:16:58,019 --> 00:16:59,059
(mutters)
471
00:17:03,059 --> 00:17:04,269
Very, very,
very, funny.
472
00:17:04,289 --> 00:17:07,239
I not only peed me pants,
I shat them.
473
00:17:09,140 --> 00:17:11,000
(quietly) Boy, she's
getting ready to crack.
474
00:17:11,019 --> 00:17:12,269
Boy, I'm tingling
in my back,
475
00:17:12,289 --> 00:17:14,229
in my hair and my...
(muttering)
476
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:17,220
I am moving on
to the, uh, mother story.
477
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,180
Okay?
478
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,130
You're the boss.
479
00:17:21,150 --> 00:17:24,020
Listen, when we
started this show,
480
00:17:24,039 --> 00:17:27,049
we agreed that the duty
of the talk show host
481
00:17:27,069 --> 00:17:29,139
was to be controversial
and funny,
482
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,290
no matter
what the cost.
483
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,009
Why don't you
go get her?
484
00:17:33,029 --> 00:17:34,149
The whole nation
is watching.
485
00:17:34,170 --> 00:17:35,290
Sic her, tiger.
486
00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:44,249
Okay, let's just--
let's just-- let's just...
487
00:17:44,269 --> 00:17:48,149
let's just be--
go and be honest.
Let's-- Okay?
488
00:17:48,170 --> 00:17:50,280
Okay, let's do that.
489
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,080
We're back with,
uh, Ellen DeGeneres.
490
00:17:53,099 --> 00:17:54,089
We're back.
491
00:17:54,109 --> 00:17:56,269
(audience cheers and applauds)
492
00:17:56,289 --> 00:17:59,099
We were just talking about
your new-- your-- your--
493
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:01,049
We were just talking
about your series,
494
00:18:01,069 --> 00:18:04,029
your-- your wonderfully
successful television series,
495
00:18:04,049 --> 00:18:07,029
and whether
the character of Ellen
496
00:18:07,049 --> 00:18:11,069
was, uh, in fact, um, gay--
Uh, no, I--
I don't recall
497
00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:12,229
that that's what
we were talking about.
498
00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:14,080
We were talking about,
you know--
499
00:18:14,099 --> 00:18:15,239
We-- we should just
be honest about this.
500
00:18:15,259 --> 00:18:17,049
Man, I give up.
501
00:18:17,069 --> 00:18:18,199
You know what fucking
Beverly just told me?
502
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:20,140
What?
We have to work
Christmas week.
503
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,280
What? No way.
504
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,000
I'm going home Christmas week.
I'm flying home!
505
00:18:25,019 --> 00:18:26,159
No. Well, you're not
going home now.
506
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:27,250
(sighs)
507
00:18:27,269 --> 00:18:29,099
You're right.
It's time to be honest.
508
00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:30,159
I think that--
509
00:18:30,180 --> 00:18:33,130
(audience cheers and applauds)
510
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:37,089
Um, I've always, uh...
511
00:18:37,109 --> 00:18:40,259
I've always felt that it--
that-- that my private life
is my private life,
512
00:18:40,279 --> 00:18:44,019
Mm-hmm.
but for some reason,
people want my private life
513
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:46,129
to be a part
of my public life, so I--
514
00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:47,260
Well, you know,
as a celebrity,
515
00:18:47,279 --> 00:18:50,149
I think you share some
of that with the public.
Yeah, I think I definitely--
516
00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:52,030
I think I do owe that
to the public, so I--
Yeah.
517
00:18:52,049 --> 00:18:54,199
I guess I should
say that I...
518
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,240
last night,
slept with Larry Sanders.
519
00:18:56,259 --> 00:19:00,029
(audience cheers and applauds)
520
00:19:03,259 --> 00:19:06,029
Audience:
Larry! Larry! Larry!
521
00:19:06,049 --> 00:19:08,039
Larry! Larry! Larry!
522
00:19:08,059 --> 00:19:11,099
(audience cheers and applauds)
523
00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:13,079
Okay...
524
00:19:13,099 --> 00:19:15,139
It was, uh--
it was terrific.
525
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,150
I mean,
it was actually--
526
00:19:16,170 --> 00:19:19,020
What-- what's odd,
though, it-- it seemed--
527
00:19:19,039 --> 00:19:20,179
you-- you seemed
very uncomfortable
528
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,120
with me on top,
and I thought,
"Why, uh..."
529
00:19:22,140 --> 00:19:23,290
(audience laughs)
530
00:19:24,009 --> 00:19:25,289
But then again,
you seemed uncomfortable
531
00:19:26,009 --> 00:19:27,149
with me on--
on the bottom, too.
532
00:19:27,170 --> 00:19:30,140
So, I don't know what,
uh, to tell you.
533
00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:31,170
It was great.
It was--
Yeah.
534
00:19:31,190 --> 00:19:33,290
Did you enjoy it
as much as I did?
(laughs nervously)
535
00:19:34,009 --> 00:19:35,099
There was a...
536
00:19:35,119 --> 00:19:37,069
There was a--
There was one time
537
00:19:37,089 --> 00:19:38,259
and I-- I-- that--
first of all,
538
00:19:38,279 --> 00:19:40,219
you're very,
very attentive, too. I--
539
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:43,120
He must have-- he must have
asked me three times
540
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:46,040
how am I doing,
and so, uh...
(audience laughs)
541
00:19:46,059 --> 00:19:48,269
That was, uh,
that was sweet of you.
542
00:19:48,289 --> 00:19:50,269
There was one time I--
I just-- I woke up this morning
543
00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:53,199
thinking that there was
something very, uh, amazing.
544
00:19:53,220 --> 00:19:55,030
Thing's that I'd
never felt before,
545
00:19:55,049 --> 00:19:56,209
and I realized I was laying
on your hairbrush
546
00:19:56,230 --> 00:19:59,050
at one point,
and, uh...
(audience laughs)
547
00:19:59,069 --> 00:20:01,229
I guess we'll be doing the show
from Bakersfield now.
548
00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:04,040
(end music playing)
40607
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