Original subtitles

Hank: ..."applesauce." No, no, no, no. I'm kidding.

It says "applause."

Ray, do me a favor. Could you flick that once?

(audience applauds)

All right.

Now, remember,

you're all a big part of the show,

so the better you are, the better Larry is.

Okay, now, you see this gentleman?

Yeah, he's giving me this-- this sign,

and it says we're on in 10 seconds,

so get ready to have a good time.

All right, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man: In five, four, three, two...

(theme music playing)

Hank: Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show"!

Tonight, join Larry and his guests...

Michelle Pfeiffer, Bill Nye the Science Guy,

critic Roger Ebert,

and me, "Hey, Now" Hank Kingsley.

And now, because you've earned a special treat,

Larry Sanders!

(cheering and applause)

We were-- thank you so much.

I am telling you.

This...

(cheering and applause continues)

Thank you so much. Thank you.

What a wonderful-- I'm not just saying this,

but, Hank, isn't this crowd

so much hotter than last night's?

So much hotter than last night's.

I don't know if you saw the paper today.

This is absolutely true. In Colorado--

how bizarre is this?

In what state? Hank: Colorado.

That is correct.

They are now giving birth control pills to deer,

to control the deer population...

which is a huge relief to the ranger

who was in charge of putting condoms on them.

(laughter)

Doctors now report the female hormone estrogen

may actually reduce heart disease in men,

which is, I think, just great news, fellas,

'cause now it means, you know, you'll live longer,

and it'll give you more time to enjoy

those huge new breasts.

(laughter)

And, uh... (cheering and applause)

You know, uh...

Benjamin Eisenstadt,

the man who invented Sweet'n Low,

actually recently passed away

at the age of 89, and his wife...

(sighs deeply)

...had him cremated,

and his remains sprinkled on half a grapefruit.

(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

We'll be right back. We got a great show tonight.

No flipping. (cheering and applause)

No flipping. We'll be right back.

"As a child, Larry must have been cruelly starved for love

"by mom and dad.

"You can see the neediness on his face

"from the moment Larry begins what he calls a monologue,

but what I call a desperate cry for love."

Jesus, Tom Shales hates Larry.

(phone ringing) Oh...

Man, oh, man. This is great.

Larry's gonna come in here, he's gonna be in a shit mood,

and he's gonna throw out all my monologue jokes.

No, Ma, this is worse

than that time he said Larry's face was puffy.

Beverly, tell your mother goodbye.

No, Ma, don't start crying.

No, I gotta go. I got--

I am not sassing you, Ma!

Nancy, this is Arthur.

Yes, I'll tell him.

Everything's going to be fine.

And please, don't call back for a couple of days.

Thanks, sugar.

Thanks.

Listen up, everyone!

I'm sure you all want to show Larry

your concern and support.

Concern and support makes Larry think something's wrong,

so let's just act like nothing's happened.

Phil? Yes, sir?

Those are the last two words

I want to hear out of your mouth.

Larry: Morning.

Good morning, Master Sanders!

Hey, great show last night, Larry.

Larry: Oh, thanks, thanks, thanks.

Hey, I just thought of this.

I was a swimsuit model

in the "I Can't Believe It's a Guy" catalog.

(all laugh) Is that funny?

That's really funny. Yeah, great.

What did I just tell you?

(door slams)

What's with them?

They read the reviews.

"You can see the neediness on his face

"from the moment Larry begins

"what he calls a monologue... Wow.

...but what I call a desperate cry for love."

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Read it again.

I'm telling you, Hank, your name's not in it.

I know, I know. I dodged a bullet.

I'm just wondering what the hell I'm gonna say to Larry.

I mean, I have to-- I have to choose my words very carefully.

Come on, read it again.

You've gotten thousands of wonderful reviews.

Every night the studio is filled with people

that love you,

not to mention 18.2 million adoring fans watching at home.

Fucking.

They could be fucking with anyone in the background,

but they chose Larry.

There's something wrong with you.

Maybe. Just because I'm famous,

I gotta take this kind of crap,

and then I can't do anything.

At least if I was a regular guy who walked into a bar,

and some guy says, "You're puffy

and there's neediness written all over your face,"

I could take him outside.

And do what?

And-- I am speaking hypothetically.

(whispers) I just wanna tell you how sorry I am.

I just-- jeez! It was just awful.

I mean, it was just-- it was so unfair.

I mean, that review, should you know,

hurt me as much as it hurt you.

Really?

Well, even though my-- my name wasn't mentioned.

Do you like the new curtain?

Are you kidding me?

My God, of course. I love the new-- I mean, every--

There is no new curtain.

(audience murmuring)

Man: In five, four, three, two...

(theme music playing)

Hey, really wonderful crowd.

Let's have a great show, okay? I plan to.

And remember the lesson taught

by the great Joanie Rivers.

Right, uh, don't do a TV movie with your daughter.

No. Don't, uh...

sell jewelry.

No. Don't go on "E!".

No, no, no, don't get caught up with the press

and what they write about you.

Got it. But I can sell jewelry, right?

Yeah, put me down for a charm bracelet.

Go get 'em, tiger. (cheering and applause)

♪ ♪

(cheering and applause continue)

Thank you so much. It's a pleasure to be here.

Thank you.

I'm not--

I am not just kissing up to you.

Let me tell you something.

You are so much hotter than last night's crowd.

(laughter)

What was wrong with last night's crowd?

Where did they come in from?

Whew!

You know, John Kennedy, Jr.

recently married.

He said in a magazine interview,

"Hey, that's no reason to remove me

from the Most Eligible Bachelor list."

(laughter)

Actor Robert Downey Jr...

(laughter)

is in a detox center,

still trying to shake his drug problem.

He claims that he was just doing research

for his starring role in his next big film,

"The Robert Downey Jr. Story."

(laughter and applause)

I guess a lot of you may have seen--

did you see the, um-- did you see the, uh...

newspaper today?

There was a little thing in there.

There was a, uh, little review

of "The Larry Sanders Show,"

written by Tom Shales.

Actually, I believe it was "The Recycler."

I believe that's what he writes for now.

(laughter and applause)

You know, Tom Shales said in his review

that I remind him of a needy talk show host.

Tom, this is a needy talk show host, pal.

This is a needy talk show host.

We'll be right back. No flipping.

No flipping. (cheering and applause)

"The Larry Sanders- Tom Shales feud

"heated up last night

"when Sanders ridiculed critic Tom Shales

"in his monologue. Mmm.

"Shales fired back this morning by saying,

"'I don't mind that he made a joke about me.

I just wish it was funny.'"

(crash inside Larry's office) Jesus!

Oh, jeez! What's going on?

Sting: ♪ It's the same old thing as yesterday ♪

I'm sorry I was gone so long.

How's your stone?

Uh, it's still moving south

toward the border.

Uh... boy, Sting sounds great, doesn't he?

Yeah, he's been playing that song the whole day,

and I swear to God it's making me sick.

Could you please tell him to keep it down?

Would that-- is that asking too much?

You know, this thing is eating you up.

Sweetie...

I begged you not to respond, didn't I?

You've taken a review that would have died a natural death,

and you've turned it into a big story.

What is that song?

The song? It's "King of Pain."

He's an asshole. He knows. He read it.

Oh, you broke your favorite cup.

Why did you do that? 'Cause it's Hank's.

Oh, uh-uh, Larry.

No, I-- I really don't think you want to send this.

Just fax it.

Oh... Bruce, I'm sorry,

would you excuse us just for a second?

What is wrong?

You want me to send this to Tom Shales?

Yes!

"Dear Dumb Fuck"?

Keep going.

Um, Larry, I am sorry, but I can't send this.

Fine, then I'll fax it myself.

Oh, you don't even know how to use the fax machine, remember?

Oh, really? Oh, really? I'll turn it on,

stick it in, and just hope for the best. It'll be like sex.

Hi, Larry.

Oh, hey, Sting.

Hey, buddy, how you doin'?

Good. Good to have you here.

Listen, um, I was just wondering...

could you do a different song besides "The King of Pain"?

Larry, I've been rehearsing "King of Pain" all day.

Oh, I didn't know that. Oh.

Well, I was hoping you could do something

from your new album.

Uh, something a little fresher.

Larry, you-- you asked for "King of Pain."

Who's that about?

"King of Pain"? Yeah.

Well, I thought it was about me,

but maybe it's about you. (chuckling)

Okay, see you out there, huh?

Sure.

(fax machine beeping)

(sighing)

(beep)

(beep)

(clicks)

(whirring)

"Dear Dumb Fuck,

"who are you to sit on your fucking ass

"while I'm out there working my ass off

"trying to entertain America,

"you boring, yellow-bellied,

"talentless dickhead?

"You just sit there watching me,

"hoping the world doesn't find out

"what a fucking fraud you are.

Sincerely, Larry 'Suck My Cock' Sanders."

Brian?

Oh, Hank. Have you met David?

Uh, no. Hi.

Oh, my gosh, this is a real pleasure.

Brian has told me all about you, and--

Who is that?

It's David. You know.

Oh, hi. Hi. Hank Kingsley.

Hi.

Um, I want you to go down to the first floor,

and I want you to get some boxes.

Why? Because I'm quitting.

What?

Yeah. What for?

Because I'm not gonna be--

I'm not gonna be treated like this

by Larry anymore.

So do what I tell you.

Hank, I don't know what this is all about,

but why don't you just try talking to Larry?

Look what communication did for me and David.

Listen, that-that-- that may work

in your little gay paradise,

but this is my life, okay?

Hey, very nice meeting you.

Now, wrap up the social hour and get the boxes.

And at that time they probably wanted you

to do all that television

so that you would get more well-known

and get higher ratings. Yeah. Exactly.

Which show were you doing at the time?

"The Flying Nun."

Oh, you were so good on "The Flying Nun."

Seriously.

(audience applauds and cheers)

I honestly believe that all the current religious comedies

are derivative from that. (laughter)

I, uh...

If it hadn't been for "The Flying-- The Flying Nun,"

I-- I swear to God that I don't believe

"The 700 Club" would be on today.

(laughter)

Isn't she a joy, Hank?

Hank: Everyone is a joy.

Larry: Yeah.

(laughter)

My next guest-- you're gonna love this guy.

He's a-- he's a very funny comedian,

and I want you folks to really give him a warm welcome.

It's his first time on the show.

I'm a big fan of his.

And he's worked all the clubs,

and we're lucky to have him.

Jake Johannsen. Give Jake a hand.

♪ ♪ (cheering and applause)

Jake: Thanks. Thanks very much.

Always nice to be here.

I-- I'm a little upset.

I just got a $1,000 electric bill.

That's high, right? (laughter)

Um, a thousan-- obviously a mistake...

Was I all right?

Oh, yeah, you were great.

Was I really? You were really great.

Really? Oh, yeah.

You were terrific. You were really funny.

I mean, I was relaxed, almost.

Well, you were great.

So, she says, "Well, how many refrigerators do you have?"

Like that could possibly be the answer.

(laughter)

So, I said, "A hundred.

(laughter)

"I have 100 refrigerators. How about that?

"I have 100 refrigerators, and they're all open.

(laughter)

"That's how I cool my house. I have... 100...

(laughter)

"100 open refrigerators,

"and then, if it gets too cold,

I start turning on blow-dryers."

I wasn't good tonight. Really?

Yeah. Don't you think?

No, I thought you were terrific.

Isn't it odd how we still need to hear approval after we do--

Oh, yeah. Oh, always.

Are you kidding?

I mean, I'll go home tonight

and wake up my 9-year-old son

and ask him what he thought.

I rely on his opinion. He's smart.

Tom Shales is such a jerk.

Who?

Tom Shales. He's a television critic.

I don't do television anymore.

Jake: It'd be a breach of security for them to know each other.

You think you're getting some expert

when you push all those buttons on the voice mail.

Really, you're just ringing phones at random

in their giant-- until someone walks by

and, you know, "Hello?

(laughter)

Well, how many refrigerators do you have?"

(laughter)

Thank you very much.

(cheering and applause)

Jake Johannsen!

Boy, he was-- he was hilarious.

We'll be right back. No flipping.

Jake Johannsen. ♪ ♪

Man: We're clear.

You having fun?

Yeah. Good.

I really like him.

Well, I'd, uh...

I'd be careful.

Why?

Well, you-- you sit next to someone for eight years,

and you-- you think you know them,

but, uh, you don't.

♪ ♪

He-- he says in this review

that there's neediness written all over my face.

Well, I thought he said that your face was puffy.

Yeah, he said that, too.

He said my face is puffy.

What if he's right? What if he's right about all of it?

Well, so what? What if he is?

So what if you're needy?

Who isn't needy? The whole world is needy.

At least you have the guts to get out there

in front of millions of people and be needy.

Let me see it.

"Dear Larry,

"Tom Shales is my favorite writer.

Sincerely, Hank 'Blow Me' Kingsley."

Heh, this has got to be a hoax from Phil.

Well, there's nothing funny about it.

Another indication it's Phil.

No, Artie, this is Hank's handwriting.

Where is he?

In his office.

Do you-- do you want to go to dinner?

Now? Yeah.

Well, not now, but maybe right after this.

Oh... sure. Okay.

All packed up and ready to go.

Yes, I am. Good move.

So, this was your little interoffice communiqué, huh?

You bet it is.

Why? Why?

Because Larry sent me this vile, filthy fax.

It's not only immature, it is disgusting. I mean, look at the language.

This wasn't meant for you. This is for Tom Shales.

Oh, yeah? Then wha-- (chuckles)

what's it doing in my fax machine?

I have no earthly idea.

Okay, why does it start, "Dear Dumb Fuck"?

I can understand your confusion,

but this fax was meant for Tom Shales the critic,

the guy that wrote the review.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What am I going to do?

I don't know.

(laughs) What possessed you?

I don't know. Well, I'll tell you what possessed me.

I wanted to own the moment.

The first time I won the Oscar,

I was so scared. Right.

It was like an out-of-body experience.

I don't remember anything that happened.

I might as well not have been there.

I can imagine.

The second one, I wanted to own it,

so I said what I felt.

That's what I felt.

Was that sickening?

Uh, Tom Shales just walked in.

Who? He just walked in.

That... critic. Here?

I thought you said he worked for "The Washington Post."

Yeah, he's here doing "Politically Incorrect."

I did that show. Bill Maher hit on me.

Excuse me.

Uh, hi, Tom.

Oh, hi, Larry.

How you doin'? Just fine.

Listen, I just want you to know something, Tom.

I-I'm-- I don't have problems taking criticism.

I think you know that about me.

But I think when you attack, uh,

my personal life,

and stuff about me being needy

and not getting enough love from my parents,

I don't think that's right.

I think that's over the line.

How come you never have me on your show, Larry?

You've had other critics. You've had Gene Siskel...

Yeah. ...that big fat Roger Ebert,

Gene Shalit, Rex Reed. Never me. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Tom.

And I'm sorry I sent you that fax.

Honestly, that was just a little--

I got a little carried away.

I think I misunderstood the whole thing.

I... didn't get any fax.

(knocks on door)

Hi. Busy?

What?

Uh, did-- did Artie tell you?

Uh, I got Tom Shales' fax by mistake. Heh heh.

Yeah, yeah, he told me. I'm really sorry.

It's-- actually, it's-- it's good,

because I found out how much pain you were in.

So, um...

I forwarded your fax to that asshole this morning.

Hank?

Yeah?

Let me see if I have this right.

You sent Tom Shales the fax that starts out,

"Dear Dumb Fuck"?

(chuckles) Yes, I did.

Artie: You dumb fuck.

(theme music playing)