Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:11,130 --> 00:00:14,140
Hank: ..."applesauce."
No, no, no, no. I'm kidding.
2
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,130
It says "applause."
3
00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:19,029
Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once?
4
00:00:19,050 --> 00:00:20,190
(audience applauds)
5
00:00:20,210 --> 00:00:22,050
All right.
6
00:00:22,070 --> 00:00:23,120
Now, remember,
7
00:00:23,140 --> 00:00:25,110
you're all a big part
of the show,
8
00:00:25,129 --> 00:00:28,209
so the better you are,
the better Larry is.
9
00:00:28,230 --> 00:00:30,040
Okay, now,
you see this gentleman?
10
00:00:30,059 --> 00:00:31,189
Yeah, he's giving me
this-- this sign,
11
00:00:31,210 --> 00:00:34,040
and it says
we're on in 10 seconds,
12
00:00:34,060 --> 00:00:37,010
so get ready
to have a good time.
13
00:00:37,030 --> 00:00:39,050
All right, here we go.
14
00:00:39,070 --> 00:00:41,110
This is exciting,
isn't it?
15
00:00:41,130 --> 00:00:45,270
Man: In five, four,
three, two...
16
00:00:45,289 --> 00:00:49,029
(theme music playing)
17
00:00:56,270 --> 00:00:58,130
Hank:
Live on tape from Hollywood,
18
00:00:58,149 --> 00:00:59,999
"The Larry Sanders Show"!
19
00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:01,150
Tonight, join Larry
and his guests...
20
00:01:01,170 --> 00:01:04,050
Michelle Pfeiffer,
Bill Nye the Science Guy,
21
00:01:04,069 --> 00:01:05,139
critic Roger Ebert,
22
00:01:05,159 --> 00:01:08,039
and me, "Hey, Now"
Hank Kingsley.
23
00:01:08,060 --> 00:01:10,100
And now, because you've earned
a special treat,
24
00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:14,210
Larry Sanders!
25
00:01:14,230 --> 00:01:18,040
(cheering and applause)
26
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,180
We were--
thank you so much.
27
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,180
I am telling you.
28
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,240
This...
29
00:01:35,259 --> 00:01:39,019
(cheering
and applause continues)
30
00:01:39,039 --> 00:01:40,209
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
31
00:01:40,229 --> 00:01:43,039
What a wonderful--
I'm not just saying this,
32
00:01:43,060 --> 00:01:44,270
but, Hank,
isn't this crowd
33
00:01:44,289 --> 00:01:46,029
so much hotter
than last night's?
34
00:01:46,049 --> 00:01:48,009
So much hotter than
last night's.
35
00:01:48,030 --> 00:01:49,110
I don't know if you saw
the paper today.
36
00:01:49,129 --> 00:01:51,079
This is absolutely true.
In Colorado--
37
00:01:51,099 --> 00:01:52,089
how bizarre is this?
38
00:01:52,109 --> 00:01:53,259
In what state?
Hank:
Colorado.
39
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,040
That is correct.
40
00:01:55,060 --> 00:01:59,100
They are now giving
birth control pills to deer,
41
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:02,140
to control
the deer population...
42
00:02:02,159 --> 00:02:04,289
which is a huge relief
to the ranger
43
00:02:05,010 --> 00:02:06,270
who was in charge
of putting condoms on them.
44
00:02:06,290 --> 00:02:09,160
(laughter)
45
00:02:09,180 --> 00:02:12,260
Doctors now report
the female hormone estrogen
46
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:15,290
may actually reduce
heart disease in men,
47
00:02:16,009 --> 00:02:18,229
which is, I think,
just great news, fellas,
48
00:02:18,250 --> 00:02:21,080
'cause now it means,
you know, you'll live longer,
49
00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:22,239
and it'll give you
more time to enjoy
50
00:02:22,259 --> 00:02:24,999
those huge new breasts.
51
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:27,050
(laughter)
52
00:02:27,069 --> 00:02:29,189
And, uh...
(cheering and applause)
53
00:02:34,270 --> 00:02:36,180
You know, uh...
54
00:02:36,199 --> 00:02:37,279
Benjamin Eisenstadt,
55
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,160
the man who invented
Sweet'n Low,
56
00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:40,290
actually recently passed away
57
00:02:41,009 --> 00:02:44,069
at the age of 89,
and his wife...
58
00:02:44,090 --> 00:02:48,140
(sighs deeply)
59
00:02:48,159 --> 00:02:49,999
...had him cremated,
60
00:02:50,020 --> 00:02:52,130
and his remains sprinkled
on half a grapefruit.
61
00:02:52,150 --> 00:02:54,060
(laughter)
62
00:02:54,079 --> 00:02:58,009
(cheering and applause)
63
00:02:58,030 --> 00:03:00,180
We'll be right back.
We got a great show tonight.
64
00:03:00,199 --> 00:03:02,069
No flipping.
(cheering and applause)
65
00:03:02,090 --> 00:03:03,200
No flipping.
We'll be right back.
66
00:03:03,219 --> 00:03:05,209
"As a child, Larry must have
been cruelly starved for love
67
00:03:05,229 --> 00:03:06,239
"by mom and dad.
68
00:03:06,259 --> 00:03:08,069
"You can see the neediness
on his face
69
00:03:08,090 --> 00:03:10,280
"from the moment Larry begins
what he calls a monologue,
70
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,210
but what I call
a desperate cry for love."
71
00:03:13,229 --> 00:03:15,199
Jesus, Tom Shales
hates Larry.
72
00:03:15,219 --> 00:03:17,089
(phone ringing)
Oh...
73
00:03:17,110 --> 00:03:18,250
Man, oh, man.
This is great.
74
00:03:18,270 --> 00:03:20,220
Larry's gonna come in here,
he's gonna be in a shit mood,
75
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,120
and he's gonna throw out
all my monologue jokes.
76
00:03:22,139 --> 00:03:23,189
No, Ma,
this is worse
77
00:03:23,210 --> 00:03:25,140
than that time he said
Larry's face was puffy.
78
00:03:25,159 --> 00:03:27,049
Beverly, tell
your mother goodbye.
79
00:03:27,069 --> 00:03:28,189
No, Ma,
don't start crying.
80
00:03:28,210 --> 00:03:30,210
No, I gotta go.
I got--
81
00:03:30,229 --> 00:03:34,029
I am not
sassing you, Ma!
82
00:03:34,050 --> 00:03:36,180
Nancy,
this is Arthur.
83
00:03:36,199 --> 00:03:37,239
Yes, I'll tell him.
84
00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,169
Everything's going
to be fine.
85
00:03:39,189 --> 00:03:43,049
And please, don't call back
for a couple of days.
86
00:03:43,069 --> 00:03:44,059
Thanks, sugar.
87
00:03:44,079 --> 00:03:45,069
Thanks.
88
00:03:45,090 --> 00:03:46,140
Listen up,
everyone!
89
00:03:47,180 --> 00:03:49,260
I'm sure you all want
to show Larry
90
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:51,230
your concern and support.
91
00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:54,070
Concern and support makes
Larry think something's wrong,
92
00:03:54,090 --> 00:03:56,210
so let's just act like
nothing's happened.
93
00:03:56,229 --> 00:03:57,249
Phil?
Yes, sir?
94
00:03:57,270 --> 00:03:59,130
Those are the last
two words
95
00:03:59,150 --> 00:04:01,100
I want to hear
out of your mouth.
96
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:02,110
Larry:
Morning.
97
00:04:02,129 --> 00:04:03,999
Good morning,
Master Sanders!
98
00:04:04,020 --> 00:04:05,280
Hey, great show
last night, Larry.
99
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,120
Larry: Oh, thanks,
thanks, thanks.
100
00:04:07,139 --> 00:04:08,129
Hey, I just thought
of this.
101
00:04:08,150 --> 00:04:09,260
I was a swimsuit model
102
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,200
in the "I Can't Believe
It's a Guy" catalog.
103
00:04:11,219 --> 00:04:13,009
(all laugh)
Is that funny?
104
00:04:13,030 --> 00:04:15,040
That's really funny.
Yeah, great.
105
00:04:16,079 --> 00:04:18,239
What did I just
tell you?
106
00:04:22,009 --> 00:04:23,209
(door slams)
107
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,090
What's with them?
108
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,090
They read the reviews.
109
00:04:32,050 --> 00:04:33,120
"You can see the neediness
on his face
110
00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:34,189
"from the moment
Larry begins
111
00:04:34,209 --> 00:04:36,279
"what he calls
a monologue...
Wow.
112
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,160
...but what I call
a desperate cry for love."
113
00:04:39,180 --> 00:04:42,260
Wow, wow, wow,
wow, wow.
114
00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:44,119
Read it again.
115
00:04:44,139 --> 00:04:45,999
I'm telling you, Hank,
your name's not in it.
116
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,269
I know, I know.
I dodged a bullet.
117
00:04:47,290 --> 00:04:50,220
I'm just wondering what the hell
I'm gonna say to Larry.
118
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,240
I mean, I have to-- I have to
choose my words very carefully.
119
00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:54,169
Come on,
read it again.
120
00:04:54,189 --> 00:04:56,269
You've gotten thousands
of wonderful reviews.
121
00:04:56,290 --> 00:04:59,040
Every night the studio
is filled with people
122
00:04:59,060 --> 00:05:00,130
that love you,
123
00:05:00,149 --> 00:05:04,999
not to mention 18.2 million
adoring fans watching at home.
124
00:05:05,019 --> 00:05:06,059
Fucking.
125
00:05:06,079 --> 00:05:08,139
They could be fucking
with anyone in the background,
126
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:10,000
but they chose Larry.
127
00:05:10,019 --> 00:05:11,229
There's something
wrong with you.
128
00:05:11,250 --> 00:05:13,090
Maybe.
Just because
I'm famous,
129
00:05:13,110 --> 00:05:14,220
I gotta take
this kind of crap,
130
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,070
and then
I can't do anything.
131
00:05:17,089 --> 00:05:18,999
At least if I was a regular
guy who walked into a bar,
132
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:20,089
and some guy says,
"You're puffy
133
00:05:20,110 --> 00:05:22,030
and there's neediness written
all over your face,"
134
00:05:22,050 --> 00:05:23,160
I could take him outside.
135
00:05:23,180 --> 00:05:24,260
And do what?
136
00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:27,149
And-- I am speaking
hypothetically.
137
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,080
(whispers)
I just wanna tell you
how sorry I am.
138
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,090
I just-- jeez!
It was just awful.
139
00:05:35,110 --> 00:05:37,040
I mean, it was just--
it was so unfair.
140
00:05:37,060 --> 00:05:39,030
I mean, that review,
should you know,
141
00:05:39,050 --> 00:05:41,000
hurt me as much
as it hurt you.
142
00:05:41,019 --> 00:05:42,089
Really?
143
00:05:42,110 --> 00:05:45,030
Well, even though my--
my name wasn't mentioned.
144
00:05:45,050 --> 00:05:47,210
Do you like
the new curtain?
145
00:05:47,230 --> 00:05:49,040
Are you kidding me?
146
00:05:49,060 --> 00:05:51,090
My God, of course. I love
the new-- I mean, every--
147
00:05:51,110 --> 00:05:54,050
There is
no new curtain.
148
00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,120
(audience murmuring)
149
00:05:58,139 --> 00:06:02,069
Man:
In five, four,
three, two...
150
00:06:02,089 --> 00:06:05,219
(theme music playing)
151
00:06:07,220 --> 00:06:09,070
Hey, really
wonderful crowd.
152
00:06:09,089 --> 00:06:11,189
Let's have a great show,
okay?
I plan to.
153
00:06:11,209 --> 00:06:12,279
And remember
the lesson taught
154
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,220
by the great
Joanie Rivers.
155
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,030
Right, uh, don't do a TV movie
with your daughter.
156
00:06:17,050 --> 00:06:20,060
No.
Don't, uh...
157
00:06:20,079 --> 00:06:21,069
sell jewelry.
158
00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:22,129
No.
Don't go on "E!".
159
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:24,279
No, no, no, don't get
caught up with the press
160
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:26,250
and what they write
about you.
161
00:06:26,269 --> 00:06:29,039
Got it. But I can
sell jewelry, right?
162
00:06:29,060 --> 00:06:30,290
Yeah, put me down
for a charm bracelet.
163
00:06:31,009 --> 00:06:33,229
Go get 'em, tiger.
(cheering and applause)
164
00:06:33,250 --> 00:06:37,290
♪ ♪
165
00:06:39,170 --> 00:06:44,000
(cheering and applause
continue)
166
00:06:50,259 --> 00:06:54,119
Thank you so much.
It's a pleasure to be here.
167
00:06:54,139 --> 00:06:55,189
Thank you.
168
00:06:55,209 --> 00:06:56,199
I'm not--
169
00:06:56,220 --> 00:06:58,020
I am not just
kissing up to you.
170
00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,060
Let me tell you something.
171
00:06:59,079 --> 00:07:01,099
You are so much hotter
than last night's crowd.
172
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,060
(laughter)
173
00:07:03,079 --> 00:07:05,039
What was wrong
with last night's crowd?
174
00:07:05,060 --> 00:07:07,190
Where did they
come in from?
175
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:09,259
Whew!
176
00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:13,239
You know,
John Kennedy, Jr.
177
00:07:13,259 --> 00:07:15,149
recently married.
178
00:07:15,170 --> 00:07:17,290
He said
in a magazine interview,
179
00:07:18,009 --> 00:07:19,169
"Hey, that's no reason
to remove me
180
00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:21,269
from the Most
Eligible Bachelor list."
181
00:07:21,290 --> 00:07:24,000
(laughter)
182
00:07:24,019 --> 00:07:26,079
Actor Robert Downey Jr...
183
00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:28,250
(laughter)
184
00:07:28,269 --> 00:07:30,049
is in a detox center,
185
00:07:30,069 --> 00:07:32,279
still trying to shake
his drug problem.
186
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,280
He claims that he was
just doing research
187
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,100
for his starring role
in his next big film,
188
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:39,090
"The Robert Downey Jr. Story."
189
00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:43,060
(laughter and applause)
190
00:07:50,209 --> 00:07:52,079
I guess a lot of you
may have seen--
191
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:54,290
did you see the, um--
did you see the, uh...
192
00:07:55,009 --> 00:07:57,249
newspaper today?
193
00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:58,289
There was a little thing
in there.
194
00:07:59,009 --> 00:08:01,019
There was a, uh,
little review
195
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,210
of "The Larry Sanders Show,"
196
00:08:02,230 --> 00:08:04,010
written
by Tom Shales.
197
00:08:04,029 --> 00:08:06,239
Actually, I believe
it was "The Recycler."
198
00:08:06,259 --> 00:08:08,289
I believe that's what
he writes for now.
199
00:08:09,009 --> 00:08:12,179
(laughter and applause)
200
00:08:14,069 --> 00:08:16,029
You know, Tom Shales said
in his review
201
00:08:16,050 --> 00:08:21,060
that I remind him
of a needy talk show host.
202
00:08:21,079 --> 00:08:26,099
Tom, this is a needy
talk show host, pal.
203
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:27,280
This is a needy
talk show host.
204
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,070
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
205
00:08:30,089 --> 00:08:33,239
No flipping.
(cheering and applause)
206
00:08:33,259 --> 00:08:35,109
"The Larry Sanders-
Tom Shales feud
207
00:08:35,129 --> 00:08:36,169
"heated up
last night
208
00:08:36,190 --> 00:08:38,210
"when Sanders ridiculed
critic Tom Shales
209
00:08:38,230 --> 00:08:40,080
"in his monologue.
Mmm.
210
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,260
"Shales fired back
this morning by saying,
211
00:08:42,279 --> 00:08:44,129
"'I don't mind that
he made a joke about me.
212
00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:45,229
I just wish
it was funny.'"
213
00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:47,080
(crash inside Larry's office)
Jesus!
214
00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:50,050
Oh, jeez!
What's going on?
215
00:08:52,029 --> 00:08:56,169
Sting:
♪ It's the same old thing
as yesterday ♪
216
00:08:56,190 --> 00:08:58,060
I'm sorry I was gone
so long.
217
00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,140
How's your stone?
218
00:08:59,159 --> 00:09:00,209
Uh, it's still
moving south
219
00:09:00,230 --> 00:09:02,220
toward the border.
220
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:05,190
Uh... boy, Sting sounds
great, doesn't he?
221
00:09:05,210 --> 00:09:07,210
Yeah, he's been playing
that song the whole day,
222
00:09:07,230 --> 00:09:09,170
and I swear to God
it's making me sick.
223
00:09:09,190 --> 00:09:11,120
Could you please tell him
to keep it down?
224
00:09:11,139 --> 00:09:12,229
Would that-- is that
asking too much?
225
00:09:12,250 --> 00:09:14,080
You know, this thing
is eating you up.
226
00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:15,140
Sweetie...
227
00:09:15,159 --> 00:09:17,149
I begged you not
to respond, didn't I?
228
00:09:17,169 --> 00:09:20,029
You've taken a review
that would have died
a natural death,
229
00:09:20,049 --> 00:09:22,009
and you've turned it
into a big story.
230
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:23,219
What is that song?
231
00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:26,200
The song?
It's "King of Pain."
232
00:09:26,220 --> 00:09:29,180
He's an asshole.
He knows. He read it.
233
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:32,000
Oh, you broke
your favorite cup.
234
00:09:32,019 --> 00:09:34,099
Why did you do that?
'Cause it's Hank's.
235
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,060
Oh, uh-uh, Larry.
236
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:38,140
No, I-- I really don't think
you want to send this.
237
00:09:38,159 --> 00:09:39,229
Just fax it.
238
00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:41,120
Oh...
Bruce, I'm sorry,
239
00:09:41,139 --> 00:09:43,269
would you excuse us
just for a second?
240
00:09:43,289 --> 00:09:45,209
What is wrong?
241
00:09:45,230 --> 00:09:47,190
You want me to send this
to Tom Shales?
242
00:09:47,210 --> 00:09:48,200
Yes!
243
00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:51,010
"Dear Dumb Fuck"?
244
00:09:55,049 --> 00:09:56,089
Keep going.
245
00:09:56,110 --> 00:09:58,160
Um, Larry, I am sorry,
but I can't send this.
246
00:09:58,179 --> 00:10:00,169
Fine, then
I'll fax it myself.
247
00:10:00,190 --> 00:10:02,190
Oh, you don't
even know how to use
the fax machine, remember?
248
00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:04,020
Oh, really? Oh, really?
I'll turn it on,
249
00:10:04,039 --> 00:10:06,149
stick it in, and just hope for
the best. It'll be like sex.
250
00:10:09,059 --> 00:10:10,249
Hi, Larry.
251
00:10:10,269 --> 00:10:11,259
Oh, hey, Sting.
252
00:10:11,279 --> 00:10:12,269
Hey, buddy,
how you doin'?
253
00:10:12,289 --> 00:10:14,069
Good.
Good to have you here.
254
00:10:14,090 --> 00:10:16,060
Listen, um, I was
just wondering...
255
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:19,090
could you do a different song
besides "The King of Pain"?
256
00:10:19,110 --> 00:10:21,150
Larry, I've been rehearsing
"King of Pain" all day.
257
00:10:21,169 --> 00:10:24,109
Oh, I didn't know that.
Oh.
258
00:10:24,129 --> 00:10:25,229
Well, I was hoping
you could do something
259
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:26,270
from your new album.
260
00:10:26,289 --> 00:10:28,249
Uh, something
a little fresher.
261
00:10:28,269 --> 00:10:31,029
Larry, you-- you asked
for "King of Pain."
262
00:10:31,049 --> 00:10:32,239
Who's that about?
263
00:10:32,259 --> 00:10:34,119
"King of Pain"?
Yeah.
264
00:10:34,139 --> 00:10:35,279
Well, I thought
it was about me,
265
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,240
but maybe it's about you.
(chuckling)
266
00:10:41,190 --> 00:10:43,170
Okay, see you
out there, huh?
267
00:10:43,190 --> 00:10:45,040
Sure.
268
00:10:59,070 --> 00:11:03,080
(fax machine beeping)
269
00:11:04,169 --> 00:11:06,139
(sighing)
270
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:12,110
(beep)
271
00:11:14,019 --> 00:11:15,119
(beep)
272
00:11:15,139 --> 00:11:16,149
(clicks)
273
00:11:16,169 --> 00:11:19,039
(whirring)
274
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:37,080
"Dear Dumb Fuck,
275
00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:39,010
"who are you to sit
on your fucking ass
276
00:11:39,029 --> 00:11:40,219
"while I'm out there
working my ass off
277
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,230
"trying to entertain America,
278
00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:44,230
"you boring,
yellow-bellied,
279
00:11:44,250 --> 00:11:46,070
"talentless dickhead?
280
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,040
"You just sit there
watching me,
281
00:11:50,059 --> 00:11:51,179
"hoping the world
doesn't find out
282
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:55,080
"what a fucking fraud
you are.
283
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:58,230
Sincerely,
Larry 'Suck My Cock' Sanders."
284
00:12:27,179 --> 00:12:28,169
Brian?
285
00:12:28,190 --> 00:12:29,270
Oh, Hank.
Have you met David?
286
00:12:29,289 --> 00:12:30,279
Uh, no. Hi.
287
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,080
Oh, my gosh,
this is a real pleasure.
288
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:35,030
Brian has told me
all about you, and--
289
00:12:35,049 --> 00:12:36,059
Who is that?
290
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,240
It's David.
You know.
291
00:12:38,259 --> 00:12:41,009
Oh, hi. Hi.
Hank Kingsley.
292
00:12:41,029 --> 00:12:42,069
Hi.
293
00:12:42,090 --> 00:12:43,250
Um, I want you to go
down to the first floor,
294
00:12:43,269 --> 00:12:45,009
and I want you
to get some boxes.
295
00:12:45,029 --> 00:12:46,229
Why?
Because I'm quitting.
296
00:12:46,250 --> 00:12:47,240
What?
297
00:12:47,259 --> 00:12:48,279
Yeah.
What for?
298
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,070
Because I'm not
gonna be--
299
00:12:50,090 --> 00:12:52,090
I'm not gonna be
treated like this
300
00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:53,130
by Larry anymore.
301
00:12:53,149 --> 00:12:54,139
So do what I tell you.
302
00:12:54,159 --> 00:12:55,259
Hank, I don't know
what this is all about,
303
00:12:55,279 --> 00:12:57,239
but why don't you just
try talking to Larry?
304
00:12:57,259 --> 00:12:59,219
Look what communication did
for me and David.
305
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:00,290
Listen, that-that--
that may work
306
00:13:01,009 --> 00:13:02,019
in your little
gay paradise,
307
00:13:02,039 --> 00:13:03,129
but this is my life,
okay?
308
00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:05,169
Hey, very nice
meeting you.
309
00:13:05,190 --> 00:13:08,000
Now, wrap up
the social hour
and get the boxes.
310
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,030
And at that time
they probably wanted you
311
00:13:11,049 --> 00:13:12,109
to do all that television
312
00:13:12,129 --> 00:13:13,259
so that you would get
more well-known
313
00:13:13,279 --> 00:13:15,039
and get higher ratings.
Yeah. Exactly.
314
00:13:15,059 --> 00:13:16,269
Which show were you doing
at the time?
315
00:13:16,289 --> 00:13:18,049
"The Flying Nun."
316
00:13:18,070 --> 00:13:19,280
Oh, you were so good
on "The Flying Nun."
317
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,000
Seriously.
318
00:13:21,019 --> 00:13:24,199
(audience applauds
and cheers)
319
00:13:28,210 --> 00:13:31,230
I honestly believe that all
the current religious comedies
320
00:13:31,250 --> 00:13:35,000
are derivative from that.
(laughter)
321
00:13:35,019 --> 00:13:36,119
I, uh...
322
00:13:39,279 --> 00:13:42,049
If it hadn't been
for "The Flying--
The Flying Nun,"
323
00:13:42,070 --> 00:13:45,260
I-- I swear to God that
I don't believe
324
00:13:45,279 --> 00:13:48,059
"The 700 Club"
would be on today.
325
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,020
(laughter)
326
00:13:50,039 --> 00:13:51,059
Isn't she a joy, Hank?
327
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,280
Hank:
Everyone is a joy.
328
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,020
Larry:
Yeah.
329
00:13:54,039 --> 00:13:56,109
(laughter)
330
00:13:56,129 --> 00:13:58,079
My next guest--
you're gonna love this guy.
331
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,070
He's a-- he's a very
funny comedian,
332
00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:03,060
and I want you folks
to really give him
a warm welcome.
333
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,210
It's his first time
on the show.
334
00:14:04,230 --> 00:14:05,250
I'm a big fan of his.
335
00:14:05,269 --> 00:14:07,279
And he's worked
all the clubs,
336
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,080
and we're lucky
to have him.
337
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:10,250
Jake Johannsen.
Give Jake a hand.
338
00:14:10,269 --> 00:14:14,119
♪ ♪
(cheering and applause)
339
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:19,250
Jake:
Thanks. Thanks very much.
340
00:14:19,269 --> 00:14:21,049
Always nice to be here.
341
00:14:21,070 --> 00:14:23,220
I-- I'm a little upset.
342
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:27,230
I just got a $1,000
electric bill.
343
00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:31,999
That's high, right?
(laughter)
344
00:14:32,019 --> 00:14:34,019
Um, a thousan--
obviously a mistake...
345
00:14:35,210 --> 00:14:37,000
Was I all right?
346
00:14:37,019 --> 00:14:38,039
Oh, yeah,
you were great.
347
00:14:38,059 --> 00:14:39,249
Was I really?
You were
really great.
348
00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:40,289
Really?
Oh, yeah.
349
00:14:41,009 --> 00:14:42,179
You were terrific.
You were really funny.
350
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,040
I mean, I was
relaxed, almost.
351
00:14:44,059 --> 00:14:45,159
Well,
you were great.
352
00:14:45,179 --> 00:14:49,229
So, she says, "Well,
how many refrigerators
do you have?"
353
00:14:52,019 --> 00:14:54,039
Like that could possibly
be the answer.
354
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:55,099
(laughter)
355
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,230
So, I said,
"A hundred.
356
00:14:57,250 --> 00:14:59,130
(laughter)
357
00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:01,119
"I have 100 refrigerators.
How about that?
358
00:15:01,139 --> 00:15:04,009
"I have 100 refrigerators,
and they're all open.
359
00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:05,289
(laughter)
360
00:15:06,009 --> 00:15:10,189
"That's how
I cool my house.
I have... 100...
361
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:12,030
(laughter)
362
00:15:12,049 --> 00:15:13,109
"100 open refrigerators,
363
00:15:13,129 --> 00:15:14,149
"and then,
if it gets too cold,
364
00:15:14,169 --> 00:15:16,199
I start turning on
blow-dryers."
365
00:15:16,220 --> 00:15:18,050
I wasn't good tonight.
Really?
366
00:15:18,070 --> 00:15:19,180
Yeah.
Don't you think?
367
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,000
No, I thought
you were terrific.
368
00:15:21,019 --> 00:15:24,289
Isn't it odd how we still need
to hear approval after we do--
369
00:15:25,009 --> 00:15:26,209
Oh, yeah.
Oh, always.
370
00:15:26,230 --> 00:15:27,220
Are you kidding?
371
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:28,250
I mean,
I'll go home tonight
372
00:15:28,269 --> 00:15:30,079
and wake up
my 9-year-old son
373
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:31,090
and ask him
what he thought.
374
00:15:31,110 --> 00:15:33,100
I rely on his opinion.
He's smart.
375
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,050
Tom Shales is
such a jerk.
376
00:15:35,070 --> 00:15:36,070
Who?
377
00:15:36,090 --> 00:15:38,070
Tom Shales.
He's a television critic.
378
00:15:38,090 --> 00:15:40,230
I don't do television
anymore.
379
00:15:40,250 --> 00:15:42,280
Jake:
It'd be a breach of security
for them to know each other.
380
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,110
You think you're getting
some expert
381
00:15:44,129 --> 00:15:46,079
when you push all those
buttons on the voice mail.
382
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:47,290
Really, you're just
ringing phones at random
383
00:15:48,009 --> 00:15:50,059
in their giant--
until someone walks by
384
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:51,140
and, you know, "Hello?
385
00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:52,269
(laughter)
386
00:15:52,289 --> 00:15:54,279
Well, how many
refrigerators do you have?"
387
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,110
(laughter)
388
00:15:56,129 --> 00:15:57,119
Thank you very much.
389
00:15:57,139 --> 00:16:00,289
(cheering and applause)
390
00:16:02,019 --> 00:16:03,249
Jake Johannsen!
391
00:16:03,269 --> 00:16:06,139
Boy, he was--
he was hilarious.
392
00:16:06,159 --> 00:16:08,279
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
393
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,210
Jake Johannsen.
♪ ♪
394
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:13,189
Man:
We're clear.
395
00:16:15,070 --> 00:16:16,080
You having fun?
396
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,140
Yeah.
Good.
397
00:16:17,159 --> 00:16:18,179
I really like him.
398
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,240
Well, I'd, uh...
399
00:16:20,259 --> 00:16:23,029
I'd be careful.
400
00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:24,219
Why?
401
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,230
Well, you-- you sit next
to someone for eight years,
402
00:16:26,250 --> 00:16:28,240
and you--
you think you know them,
403
00:16:28,259 --> 00:16:32,069
but, uh, you don't.
404
00:16:32,090 --> 00:16:34,210
♪ ♪
405
00:16:40,070 --> 00:16:41,230
He-- he says
in this review
406
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:44,140
that there's neediness
written all over my face.
407
00:16:44,159 --> 00:16:46,049
Well, I thought he said
that your face was puffy.
408
00:16:46,070 --> 00:16:48,070
Yeah, he said that, too.
409
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:50,000
He said my face
is puffy.
410
00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:53,160
What if he's right?
What if he's right
about all of it?
411
00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:55,069
Well, so what?
What if he is?
412
00:16:55,090 --> 00:16:57,020
So what
if you're needy?
413
00:16:57,039 --> 00:16:58,229
Who isn't needy?
The whole world is needy.
414
00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,190
At least you have
the guts to get out there
415
00:17:00,210 --> 00:17:03,000
in front of millions
of people and be needy.
416
00:17:04,059 --> 00:17:05,189
Let me see it.
417
00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:09,130
"Dear Larry,
418
00:17:09,150 --> 00:17:11,070
"Tom Shales is
my favorite writer.
419
00:17:11,089 --> 00:17:13,169
Sincerely,
Hank 'Blow Me' Kingsley."
420
00:17:13,190 --> 00:17:16,090
Heh, this has got
to be a hoax from Phil.
421
00:17:16,109 --> 00:17:17,999
Well, there's
nothing funny about it.
422
00:17:18,019 --> 00:17:19,199
Another indication
it's Phil.
423
00:17:19,220 --> 00:17:21,290
No, Artie, this is
Hank's handwriting.
424
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:24,200
Where is he?
425
00:17:24,220 --> 00:17:26,010
In his office.
426
00:17:29,190 --> 00:17:31,180
Do you-- do you want
to go to dinner?
427
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,190
Now?
Yeah.
428
00:17:32,210 --> 00:17:34,150
Well, not now,
but maybe right after this.
429
00:17:34,170 --> 00:17:36,180
Oh... sure.
Okay.
430
00:17:41,250 --> 00:17:43,120
All packed up
and ready to go.
431
00:17:43,140 --> 00:17:45,170
Yes, I am.
Good move.
432
00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:48,160
So, this was your little
interoffice communiqué, huh?
433
00:17:48,180 --> 00:17:49,180
You bet it is.
434
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,020
Why?
Why?
435
00:17:51,039 --> 00:17:55,059
Because Larry sent me
this vile, filthy fax.
436
00:17:55,079 --> 00:17:58,089
It's not only immature,
it is disgusting. I mean,
look at the language.
437
00:17:58,109 --> 00:18:01,079
This wasn't meant for you.
This is for Tom Shales.
438
00:18:01,099 --> 00:18:02,289
Oh, yeah?
Then wha--
(chuckles)
439
00:18:03,009 --> 00:18:04,109
what's it doing
in my fax machine?
440
00:18:04,130 --> 00:18:05,270
I have
no earthly idea.
441
00:18:05,289 --> 00:18:09,149
Okay, why does it start,
"Dear Dumb Fuck"?
442
00:18:09,170 --> 00:18:11,070
I can understand
your confusion,
443
00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:14,139
but this fax was meant
for Tom Shales the critic,
444
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,030
the guy that wrote
the review.
445
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,010
Oh, my God.
446
00:18:20,130 --> 00:18:23,150
Oh, my God.
What am I going to do?
447
00:18:24,259 --> 00:18:26,129
I don't know.
448
00:18:27,259 --> 00:18:29,129
(laughs)
What possessed you?
449
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,130
I don't know.
Well, I'll tell you
what possessed me.
450
00:18:31,150 --> 00:18:33,040
I wanted to own
the moment.
451
00:18:33,059 --> 00:18:34,069
The first time
I won the Oscar,
452
00:18:34,089 --> 00:18:35,229
I was so scared.
Right.
453
00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:37,050
It was like
an out-of-body experience.
454
00:18:37,069 --> 00:18:38,149
I don't remember
anything that happened.
455
00:18:38,170 --> 00:18:39,220
I might as well not
have been there.
456
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:40,240
I can imagine.
457
00:18:40,259 --> 00:18:42,099
The second one,
I wanted to own it,
458
00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:43,259
so I said what I felt.
459
00:18:43,279 --> 00:18:45,199
That's what I felt.
460
00:18:47,170 --> 00:18:48,290
Was that sickening?
461
00:18:51,190 --> 00:18:53,140
Uh, Tom Shales
just walked in.
462
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,240
Who?
He just walked in.
463
00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:56,159
That... critic.
Here?
464
00:18:56,180 --> 00:18:58,220
I thought you said he worked
for "The Washington Post."
465
00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,130
Yeah, he's here doing
"Politically Incorrect."
466
00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:03,100
I did that show.
Bill Maher hit on me.
467
00:19:08,289 --> 00:19:09,999
Excuse me.
468
00:19:14,289 --> 00:19:16,059
Uh, hi, Tom.
469
00:19:16,079 --> 00:19:17,069
Oh, hi, Larry.
470
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:18,239
How you doin'?
Just fine.
471
00:19:18,259 --> 00:19:20,109
Listen, I just want you
to know something, Tom.
472
00:19:20,130 --> 00:19:22,120
I-I'm-- I don't have
problems taking criticism.
473
00:19:22,140 --> 00:19:23,170
I think you know that
about me.
474
00:19:23,190 --> 00:19:25,130
But I think
when you attack, uh,
475
00:19:25,150 --> 00:19:27,230
my personal life,
476
00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:29,210
and stuff
about me being needy
477
00:19:29,230 --> 00:19:31,220
and not getting enough love
from my parents,
478
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,050
I don't think
that's right.
479
00:19:33,069 --> 00:19:35,129
I think that's
over the line.
480
00:19:35,150 --> 00:19:38,220
How come you never have me
on your show, Larry?
481
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:41,060
You've had other critics.
You've had Gene Siskel...
482
00:19:41,079 --> 00:19:43,099
Yeah.
...that big fat
Roger Ebert,
483
00:19:43,119 --> 00:19:45,269
Gene Shalit, Rex Reed.
Never me.
Yeah.
484
00:19:45,289 --> 00:19:47,029
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Tom.
485
00:19:47,049 --> 00:19:48,219
And I'm sorry
I sent you that fax.
486
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,070
Honestly, that was
just a little--
487
00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:51,179
I got a little
carried away.
488
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,070
I think I misunderstood
the whole thing.
489
00:19:53,089 --> 00:19:54,279
I... didn't get any fax.
490
00:19:56,099 --> 00:19:57,099
(knocks on door)
491
00:19:58,099 --> 00:19:59,099
Hi. Busy?
492
00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:01,179
What?
493
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,250
Uh, did--
did Artie tell you?
494
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:09,129
Uh, I got Tom Shales' fax
by mistake. Heh heh.
495
00:20:09,150 --> 00:20:11,150
Yeah, yeah, he told me.
I'm really sorry.
496
00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:12,280
It's-- actually,
it's-- it's good,
497
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,260
because I found out
how much pain you were in.
498
00:20:16,279 --> 00:20:18,109
So, um...
499
00:20:18,130 --> 00:20:22,180
I forwarded your fax
to that asshole this morning.
500
00:20:23,210 --> 00:20:24,210
Hank?
501
00:20:26,109 --> 00:20:27,169
Yeah?
502
00:20:28,170 --> 00:20:29,190
Let me see
if I have this right.
503
00:20:29,210 --> 00:20:32,290
You sent Tom Shales
the fax that starts out,
504
00:20:33,009 --> 00:20:34,099
"Dear Dumb Fuck"?
505
00:20:34,119 --> 00:20:35,279
(chuckles)
Yes, I did.
506
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,020
Artie:
You dumb fuck.
507
00:20:38,039 --> 00:20:40,259
(theme music playing)
35772
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
