Original subtitles

Hank: That sign says, "Applesauce."

(audience laughs) No, no, no. I'm kidding.

It says, "Applause."

(audience applauds) All right.

Now, remember, you're all--

you're all a big part of the show,

so the better you are, the better Larry is.

(audience member chuckles)

Okay. Now, you see this gentleman?

Yeah, he's giving me this, uh, this sign

and it says, "We're on in 10 seconds,"

so get ready to have a good time.

All right, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man: In five, four, three, two...

(theme music playing)

Hank: Live, on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join Larry and his guests:

Randy Quaid, George Kennedy,

and musical group Toad the Wet Sprocket,

and me, "Hey Now" Hank Kingsley.

And now, because there's nowhere left to run,

Larry Sanders!

(audience cheering and applauding)

Thank you. What a good crowd.

Hello to the band.

Well... Please. (loud cheers and applause)

Will you join me...

(cheers and applause continuing)

Trust me, your response only means

you have to get out of the house more.

(laughter)

After two years of court battles

and a week in the Citadel,

Shannon Faulkner has quit.

She is said to be devastated,

and really has no idea where she will find a husband now.

(laughter and applause)

You... She said...

She actually...

I was actually fascinated by this

because she said it was the stress of being alone

and the two years of court battles

that really led her to quitting,

and I think it was really the stress of dragging,

you know, that big, fat ass through the obstacle course.

(laughter and applause)

Congressman Mel Reynolds has been convicted

of having sex with a 16-year-old girl.

Boy, he told her not to tell anyone,

but evidently it slipped out at a pep rally.

(laughter)

New York City has just approved the use of a hundred, uh,

a hundred brand-new minivans

to be used as taxicabs.

They're actually standard, normal, factory minivans

that will be converted to taxis

by spitting on the windshields, slashing the seats,

and putting used condoms down on the floor.

(laughter and applause)

Okay, you've been a great audience.

We have a great show tonight,

and we've got great guests all week.

No flipping. We'll be right back.

(cheers and applause) No flipping.

I thought the show went really, really well.

So did I. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Let's concentrate on tomorrow's show.

We need one good guest

to get the network PR off my back. Paula?

Melissa Gilbert. Oh... Christ's sake.

How you gonna generate some heat around Melissa Gilbert?

Like this!

Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa Gilbert! Wa-hoo!

Stop screwing around.

Susan's gonna be here any second.

Okay, Michael Chiklis.

Who the hell's Michael Chiklis? Aw, shit.

"The Commish."

No, that was my imitation of America.

Who the hell's Michael Chiklis?

Oh, come on, we're getting massacred here,

and the best you can do is come up with "The Commish"?

Just give me one good name to make Larry smile.

Jeff Goldblum.

Well, Jeff Goldblum's great.

Yay. Good going, Paula. Yeah, yeah.

He's always been on our most wanted list.

Thank you, except for every time I ask his agent, he passes.

So we don't have him? We don't have him,

but I thought since you were friends with him, you could ask him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I don't ask my friends to do the show. Please--

But you will be seeing him at the AFI dinner.

Why don't you ask one of your friends?

Okay, I'll ask my friend Jill.

Great. Jill who?

You don't know her. She works at Killer Shrimp.

Why don't you ask one of your friends to do the show?

Ricardo Montalban.

All right, look.

You know, if I ask Jeff to do the show,

then I've crossed that boundary of our friendship,

and if he says no, I'm just gonna be devastated. Okay?

So let's just skip it.

That's why it's a rule that I don't ask my friends.

That's correct. I respect that rule,

but Jeff Goldblum would be very good for the show.

Yeah, I know, but I'm not asking him,

so let's move on.

Come on, take a little risk.

That's the only way you're gonna grow, bambino.

Isn't that what life's all about?

(gasps) That's so beautiful.

I have that on a poster

with a little kitty hanging off a bar.

Yeah? Have you seen the poster that says, "A rule is a rule," and I'm sitting on a toilet?

Hi, guys. Look who's here.

Hi. Hi.

The loveliest publicist in Tinseltown. Sit.

Thank you.

Oh, Paula, well, you are so prepared.

Melissa Gilbert.

Artie: Yahoo!

Uh, Jack Klugman, Michele Lee,

Michael Chiklis.

"The Commish"!

Or, as I call him, The Knish.

(Artie and Susan chuckle)

Okay, so, uh...

This, uh... You have no movie people?

Well, Michael Chiklis has done a movie, hasn't he?

Artie: Yeah. Right.

Uh, he has, yes. He was in "Wired" a few years ago, yeah.

John Belushi. He played John Belushi.

Oh, big loss. What a tragedy.

Yes, but I wish he was alive and here

and on the show tonight.

Yeah, so do I. I'd settle for Freddie Prinze at this point.

Okay, I'm gonna get started on this.

So you'll all give me updates?

Absolutely. Good.

See ya later.

Uh, is there anything I need to know

that's going on at the network?

No, Larry. Not a thing.

Well, if there is, I'll be here.

Whew.

Is she single? She's single.

She had a two-year relationship with a grip at ABC

and an intense week with Scott Bakula,

and just ended a very painful relationship with MacGyver.

So the MacGyver thing's over?

Kaput. Uh-huh?

Well, you should find out if she'll go out with me. Okay?

May I please leave?

No.

Will you? Find out if she'll go out with me?

Well, I wouldn't feel too comfortable,

because, you know, she... right now,

she's getting reacquainted with herself,

you know, and she's emotionally very fragile,

having had a very, uh, intense

and hurtful relationship with MacGyver,

and I don't know whether or not--

What the fuck are you talking about?

I don't want to ask her.

Oh, fine. Then I'll ask her, and I'll book Jeff Goldblum.

So I get it. Now I'm just doing everybody's job.

Susan, good morning.

Hey, Beverly.

Oh, girl. Those are some great shoes.

Oh, thanks. Yeah--

Um, would you be interested in going out with Larry?

Did he ask you to do this?

No! I just thought of it just now,

while I saw you standing here by the elevator, waiting...

He did ask you to do this.

Let me tell you something.

If I didn't work for him, I'd be all over that.

I can't believe he asked you to ask me out.

No, thank you.

I think she has a boyfriend.

Huh. She is a loner.

Well, which is it?

She's trying to get over her last relationship.

Yeah, I knew it. That MacGyver.

You know, goddamn him and that talking car.

No, no, no. That's David Hasselhoff.

MacGyver's the... Richard Dean Anderson.

Well, what does MacGyver do?

He makes stuff out of nothing.

Oh, what does that mean? Is he a drama queen?

(knocks) Hi.

Can I speak to you for just a moment?

Huh?

Didn't Brian come in

and tell you I wanted to talk to you?

Brian? I haven't seen Brian all day. Have you?

No, I haven't seen him.

No. I...

You would've thought Brian would've mentioned that Hank was coming in.

Yeah, you would've thought so.

What is that about?

Listen, don't forget the AFI dinner at 8:00,

and sign your Golden Globe entry.

I can't imagine why Brian wouldn't come in here

and tell us that Hank's coming in.

It doesn't sound like him, does it?

I know. Wow.

Larry, uh...

I'm here because I need some emotional support.

Well, now that my divorce is final, and I...

This'll just take a second.

Hi. Larry Sanders, 551.

All clear. Huh?

No. Just hold that one. Thank you.

Now that my divorce is final,

and I'm getting past the pain and the hurt

and really getting into a healing place... Uh-huh.

...it, uh, turns out that my, uh,

my wife wants more money.

Yeah. Well, you know, Hank,

that's why we told you to get that prenup.

That's because you're cynical, you know?

You, you, you... you're jaded.

You don't believe in the, uh, the, uh...

bond that two caring people can have for one another.

That fucking bitch!

She's going after the Lookaround Café.

That is my baby!

All right, what about the beach house?

Oh, fuck the beach house. It's a rental.

Well, you told everyone you owned the beach house.

I do, in the summer.

Well, listen, you want my advice, Hank?

As a man who's been married twice, take the high road.

Give her whatever she wants.

Thanks for being there for me.

(door closes)

That's so nice. Thank you very, very much for coming.

You're too sweet. Thank you.

Hey, look who's here. Good luck to you guys.

Hey. Hey.

Gosh, that was great. Congratulations.

Thank you. You're brown as a berry.

Oh, thanks, yeah, I've been outside a lot. Thank you for coming.

I'm happy to be here.

When you see the highlights of your movies put back-to-back,

honestly, it's just incredible.

Congratulations. What an honor. Thank you.

This is no big deal.

Last week, they did a tribute to Steven Seagal.

This is not a big deal.

Well, he's good. Larry!

Paula! Hey! Hi!

This is our talent booker, Paula.

Hi. Hey.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Oh, it was so thrilling to see your stuff.

"Ernie Kovacs," "Jurassic Park," "The Fly"...

"Buckaroo Banzai."

Oh, hey! "Buckaroo Banzai"! Yes.

Perfect Tommy, Rawhide, Reno, Penny Priddy.

What are they all doing now, I wonder?

(laughing) I dunno!

Um, I can't believe you haven't done our show.

You would be perfect for our show.

Oh, Paula, this is not the time or place to be

asking Mr. Goldblum about a silly talk show.

Hi, folks. Anyone like a stuffed mushroom?

Yum. Yeah. These are so good.

God, these look great. Where are these from?

These are from the Yucatán Peninsula. Yum!

Uh, Scott, can I have another Perrier, please?

Oh, but seriously, Mr. Goldblum,

it would be so great

if you could be on our show.

Larry: I don't know what she's doing.

You know, this is a case of someone

who's just a big fan, who knows we're friends,

and this is her job and she's a little carried away.

This is your night. Enjoy it.

I can't tell you, seeing them back-to-back,

they were so good. What is wrong with you?

Larry, my boy. Good morning.

Did you ask Jeff Goldblum to do the show last night?

Yes. Yes, I did. But he wouldn't give me an answer.

The whole evening was pretty much a big waste of time.

Except for those stuffed mushrooms.

You couldn't ask him yourself, could you?

No, I couldn't.

And you haven't been able to ask Susan out.

Let's just concentrate on the booking problem, all right?

Aw, forget it.

(shouting) Paula, would you get

my good friend Ricardo Montalban on the phone?

More de prisa, guapa!

Hey, um, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce.

Oh, thank you.

I guess you guys in publicity

are having a real good laugh.

Married on TV, and a year later, canceled.

You know, I'm giving her the restaurant in the settlement.

Really? Well, that's very generous of you.

Well, I've decided to take the high road.

Any chance, uh, we could use that

to make her look like a cunt?

Uh, maybe. Let me sleep on that one, Hank.

Oh, um, do you have any interest

in going out with Larry?

My good buddy Ricardo Montalban

won't be joining us this evening.

He's on vacation.

From what?

I just bumped into Hank in the crapper...

Artie, I'm trying to eat oatmeal here. Please.

He wants you to know that Susan is too busy.

For what?

To go out with you.

How would he know that?

Because you asked him to ask her.

And he couldn't come in here directly

and tell me that she said that?

He has to go through you?

Well, I guess some people are not as good as you are

in confronting people face-to-face. No.

He has to have somebody

do his little dirty work for him, doesn't he?

What a baby.

A huge fucking baby.

We're talkin' about, uh, Hank, right?

Who do you think we're talking about?

(line ringing)

Man (on phone): Hello?

Jeff.

Larry. Yes.

Hey, how ya doing? It was great to see you last night.

Hey, it was great to see you. Honestly,

when those films are put back-to-back, they're just great.

Oh, as you said last night.

Listen, there's something I wanted to ask you.

What's this? Shoot.

And listen-- seriously, you must feel free to say no

if this is not something you want to do.

You're a love. That's what I love about you.

You're my hero, see?

What is it?

Well, we need a, uh, big star for the show,

and it would mean a lot to me, you know, uh,

honestly, personally, and professionally,

if you would consider doing the show...

like tonight.

Larry. Tonight, really?

Well, I... can I tell you something?

I've been waiting for you to ask me.

I mean, you know, I was hoping to do the show,

and last night, you know, with the booker,

when she asked me, you got all funny with her.

What was that? It was confusing.

I thought she was embarrassing you.

Embarrassing me? No, Larry, come on.

What's going on here? I mean, we're best friends, aren't we?

I adore you. I mean, what'd you think I was going to say?

"No, and take your shit show

and shove it up your big, fat ass?"

Hey, great! So, we'll see you, uh, later today?

Yes. I can't wait.

Okay. All right.

Splendid, my boy!

God. You see?

When you do it yourself, you get results.

Brian: Pussy alert!

Pussy alert! Susan's here.

She's coming on the hot asphalt.

Ooh.

What's going on?

We're on a pussy alert.

Shh. She looks great.

Larry, you want me to get your binoculars?

Yeah. And my camouflage pants.

She's coming up.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go talk to her.

What? (scoffs)

Pussy alerts are just not as much fun as they used to be.

Hey, Susan.

Oh. Hi, Larry. Hi.

Hey, where you headed?

Uh, I'm just gonna exchange some of these tapes.

Oh, I'm headed this way, also.

Hey, we have Jeff Goldblum for tonight.

You do? Yeah.

Oh, fantastic. Yeah, yeah.

I love him. He's a friend of mine.

I asked him to do the show. Uh-huh.

Doing everybody's job. Hey, listen.

Um...

Uh, could I talk to you a second in here?

Uh, I know that Beverly asked you out for me,

and I know Hank asked you out for me,

and I just want you to know that, uh-- And Phil.

Huh? Phil.

Phil got to you already?

Yeah, he did.

Well, I just want to know

if you want to go and have dinner with me

sometime after the, uh, show.

Maybe tonight after the show--

Um... (tape clatters)

Oh. Well, uh... (chuckles)

I mean, it doesn't have to be tonight

if this is sort of short notice.

It could be, you know, another night.

Uh, Larry...

This probably doesn't... Does this go with this?

(chuckles) I don't think so.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I can't. It's just--

At the end of the day, I've got all this paperwork

and phone calls to make.

I'm so bushed. I go home, I go to sleep immediately.

I understand. It's a dull existence.

Of course. Well, people don't understand

how exhausting show business is.

I know. They don't. They don't.

But you do, so...

Well, I do. Yeah.

I barely get enough sleep myself.

I'm up at 9:30, right at the crack of, uh...

You know, it's nothing personal.

It really isn't. I get up early.

Didn't take it that way. Yeah, good.

So, I'm gonna let everybody know about Jeff Goldblum,

'cause, God, they'll be excited about that.

Isn't that great? Yeah.

Yeah, great. Okay.

See ya later. Okay.

You need to be protected, and that's my fault,

because I should've asked her to go out with you.

It was very insensitive of me.

It was fucking... It was fucking mean.

And I'm just begging you to accept my apology.

But we've got a show to do.

Don't want to.

Hey, sweetheart,

you know who's out there?

Jeff Goldblum, your good buddy.

Come on, come on with me, sweetheart.

Let's say hello to him.

Don't want to.

You don't want to? No.

Jeff!

So, how's everything going with Laura Dern?

Mm. Mm-hmm. Good.

'Cause in relationships a lot of times

people have a lot of ups and downs.

So you guys, you know, up or down?

Going up.

You're up. Great.

Hey now!

Jeff Goldblum. Hey.

Goldbl... is it "blum" or "bloom"?

It's, uh, "bloom."

Oh. Well, welcome to the show.

I... I must tell you that, uh, "Jurassic Park,"

it just changed my life.

Which is my dressing room?

Uh, three, on the right, and it has your name on it.

Take care.

All right. Bonjour.

Hey. Hey, Larry.

Hey, thanks for coming today.

Is it too bright in here for you? Huh? Oh, sorry.

Uh... How are you?

Fine, fine. Never better.

Really? You seem... you seem down.

No. Oh, God.

What? What's the matter? Nothing.

Is that Susan Brautigan?

What, do you know her?

Susan! Yeah. Susan!

Yeah. She used to work for Laura's publicist.

Hi. Wow. Hey!

Don't you look smashing. Oh, thank you.

I am so thrilled you're doing the show.

I'm just sorry it's such late notice.

I could've done more promotional stuff.

Well... Next time.

Right, that's the spirit. So how's Laura?

Oh, so good, so good.

Listen, we're gonna have dinner after the show.

Do you want to join us?

Oh, I'd love to. Yes. Thank you.

Great. Great. And you, too. You come, too.

We'll make it the four of us.

Well, I thought that you...

Good, so the four of us. It'll be fun. Yes. Yes.

There we go.

Oh! What am I thinking about?

Laura and I are having dinner after the show with her mom.

Oh, Diane Ladd.

Yeah, that's right, Susan. That's right.

But, listen, that's no reason why the two of you

can't go to dinner with each other.

You can have a wonderful time.

'Cause, Susan, you're such an intelligent woman,

and, Larry, you're a pious and beautiful, beautiful man.

And why not?

Yes. There we go.

Like two lovebirds in a cherry tree.

That is so sweet.

All right, here I go.

I'll be transformed when next you see me.

I'll see you out there.

Well, have fun. Great to see you.

You, too. Okay. Bye-bye.

Ahh, brilliant work, my boy.

Shh! Thank you so very much.

Yes, yes. Gonna have a great show.

Well, possibly so, but listen,

next time, he's having a fucking nervous breakdown,

maybe book David Viscott.

Viscott! Two "T"s.

It's not my field. (chuckling)

We're lucky to have you here tonight,

and I want to thank you for taking time

out of your busy schedule to delight us with your...

(scattered applause) Thank you very much.

With my...? With what you have.

Well, I... (audience laughs)

This is going well, isn't it?

It's going very well, yeah, mm-hmm.

Well, don't mind me. I'm just in the middle of a... of a divorce.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah. So, anyway, you know, I'm giving my, uh... I was just making a joke.

...my restaurant to my wife in the settlement.

Oh. (applause)

I'm giving her the Lookaround Café.

Well, there is a lucky lady.

It's wonderful. That's gonna be very successful.

Your ex-wife is gonna do very well.

Very successful.

Well, you should know there was a shooting

and a beating and a killing and a stabbing there.

Larry: Well, they have a competitive side as well.

(audience laughs)

Well, and did you have a good time?

I had a great time.

Did you have a good time tonight?

I did. I did.

I really did.

Thanks for coming over.

Well, thank you for having me over.

I hope you'll able to come back, uh, back again.

Hey, why don't you come back tomorrow night,

and we'll watch the show again.

Uh, Larry, I think that maybe...

we should keep this relationship just

on a professional level.

Don't you? Oh, yeah.

Yes, absolutely.

I... That...

I'm very comfortable with that.

Christ, I'm sorry that your date didn't work out,

but let's just put this all behind us,

'cause we've got a show to do.

Don't want to.

(theme music playing)