All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S04E08_English

Hank:
That sign says,
"Applesauce."

(audience laughs)
No, no, no.
I'm kidding.

It says, "Applause."

(audience applauds)
All right.

Now, remember, you're all--

you're all a big part
of the show,

so the better you are,
the better Larry is.

(audience member chuckles)

Okay. Now,
you see this gentleman?

Yeah, he's giving me
this, uh, this sign

and it says,
"We're on in 10 seconds,"

so get ready
to have a good time.

All right, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man:
In five, four,
three, two...

(theme music playing)

Hank:
Live, on tape
from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join Larry
and his guests:

Randy Quaid, George Kennedy,

and musical group
Toad the Wet Sprocket,

and me, "Hey Now"
Hank Kingsley.

And now, because there's
nowhere left to run,

Larry Sanders!

(audience cheering
and applauding)

Thank you.
What a good crowd.

Hello to the band.

Well... Please.
(loud cheers and applause)

Will you join me...

(cheers and applause continuing)

Trust me,
your response only means

you have to get out
of the house more.

(laughter)

After two years
of court battles

and a week in the Citadel,

Shannon Faulkner has quit.

She is said to be devastated,

and really has no idea where
she will find a husband now.

(laughter and applause)

You... She said...

She actually...

I was actually
fascinated by this

because she said it was
the stress of being alone

and the two years
of court battles

that really
led her to quitting,

and I think it was really
the stress of dragging,

you know, that big, fat ass
through the obstacle course.

(laughter and applause)

Congressman Mel Reynolds
has been convicted

of having sex
with a 16-year-old girl.

Boy, he told her
not to tell anyone,

but evidently it slipped out
at a pep rally.

(laughter)

New York City has
just approved the use
of a hundred, uh,

a hundred brand-new minivans

to be used as taxicabs.

They're actually standard,
normal, factory minivans

that will be converted to taxis

by spitting on the windshields,
slashing the seats,

and putting used condoms
down on the floor.

(laughter and applause)

Okay, you've been
a great audience.

We have a great show tonight,

and we've got
great guests all week.

No flipping.
We'll be right back.

(cheers and applause)
No flipping.

I thought the show went
really, really well.

So did I.
Fan-fucking-tastic.

Let's concentrate
on tomorrow's show.

We need
one good guest

to get the network PR
off my back. Paula?

Melissa Gilbert.
Oh... Christ's sake.

How you gonna generate some heat
around Melissa Gilbert?

Like this!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Melissa Gilbert! Wa-hoo!

Stop screwing around.

Susan's gonna
be here any second.

Okay, Michael Chiklis.

Who the hell's
Michael Chiklis?
Aw, shit.

"The Commish."

No, that was
my imitation of America.

Who the hell's
Michael Chiklis?

Oh, come on, we're
getting massacred here,

and the best you can do is
come up with "The Commish"?

Just give me one good name
to make Larry smile.

Jeff Goldblum.

Well, Jeff Goldblum's great.

Yay.
Good going, Paula.
Yeah, yeah.

He's always been on
our most wanted list.

Thank you, except for every
time I ask his agent, he passes.

So we don't have him?
We don't have him,

but I thought since
you were friends with him,
you could ask him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I don't ask my friends
to do the show. Please--

But you will be seeing him
at the AFI dinner.

Why don't you ask
one of your friends?

Okay, I'll ask
my friend Jill.

Great.
Jill who?

You don't know her.
She works at Killer Shrimp.

Why don't you ask one of
your friends to do the show?

Ricardo Montalban.

All right, look.

You know, if I ask Jeff
to do the show,

then I've crossed that
boundary of our friendship,

and if he says no, I'm just
gonna be devastated. Okay?

So let's just skip it.

That's why it's a rule
that I don't ask my friends.

That's correct.
I respect that rule,

but Jeff Goldblum would
be very good for the show.

Yeah, I know,
but I'm not asking him,

so let's move on.

Come on,
take a little risk.

That's the only way
you're gonna grow, bambino.

Isn't that what life's
all about?

(gasps)
That's so beautiful.

I have that on a poster

with a little kitty
hanging off a bar.

Yeah? Have you seen the poster
that says, "A rule is a rule,"
and I'm sitting on a toilet?

Hi, guys.
Look who's here.

Hi.
Hi.

The loveliest publicist
in Tinseltown. Sit.

Thank you.

Oh, Paula, well,
you are so prepared.

Melissa Gilbert.

Artie:
Yahoo!

Uh, Jack Klugman,
Michele Lee,

Michael Chiklis.

"The Commish"!

Or, as I call him,
The Knish.

(Artie and Susan chuckle)

Okay, so, uh...

This, uh...
You have no movie people?

Well, Michael Chiklis
has done a movie, hasn't he?

Artie:
Yeah. Right.

Uh, he has, yes.
He was in "Wired"
a few years ago, yeah.

John Belushi.
He played John Belushi.

Oh, big loss.
What a tragedy.

Yes, but I wish
he was alive and here

and on the show tonight.

Yeah, so do I.
I'd settle for Freddie
Prinze at this point.

Okay, I'm gonna
get started on this.

So you'll all
give me updates?

Absolutely.
Good.

See ya later.

Uh, is there anything
I need to know

that's going on
at the network?

No, Larry.
Not a thing.

Well, if there is,
I'll be here.

Whew.

Is she single?
She's single.

She had a two-year relationship
with a grip at ABC

and an intense week
with Scott Bakula,

and just ended a very painful
relationship with MacGyver.

So the MacGyver thing's over?

Kaput.
Uh-huh?

Well, you should find out
if she'll go out with me. Okay?

May I please leave?

No.

Will you? Find out
if she'll go out with me?

Well, I wouldn't feel
too comfortable,

because, you know,
she... right now,

she's getting reacquainted
with herself,

you know, and she's
emotionally very fragile,

having had
a very, uh, intense

and hurtful relationship
with MacGyver,

and I don't know
whether or not--

What the fuck
are you talking about?

I don't want
to ask her.

Oh, fine. Then I'll ask her,
and I'll book Jeff Goldblum.

So I get it. Now I'm just
doing everybody's job.

Susan,
good morning.

Hey, Beverly.

Oh, girl. Those are
some great shoes.

Oh, thanks. Yeah--

Um, would you be interested
in going out with Larry?

Did he ask you
to do this?

No! I just thought
of it just now,

while I saw you standing here
by the elevator, waiting...

He did ask you
to do this.

Let me tell you
something.

If I didn't work for him,
I'd be all over that.

I can't believe
he asked you
to ask me out.

No, thank you.

I think she has
a boyfriend.

Huh.
She is a loner.

Well, which is it?

She's trying to get over
her last relationship.

Yeah, I knew it.
That MacGyver.

You know, goddamn him
and that talking car.

No, no, no.
That's David Hasselhoff.

MacGyver's the...
Richard Dean Anderson.

Well, what does
MacGyver do?

He makes stuff
out of nothing.

Oh, what does that mean?
Is he a drama queen?

(knocks)
Hi.

Can I speak to you
for just a moment?

Huh?

Didn't Brian come in

and tell you
I wanted to talk to you?

Brian? I haven't seen
Brian all day. Have you?

No, I haven't seen him.

No.
I...

You would've thought
Brian would've mentioned
that Hank was coming in.

Yeah, you would've
thought so.

What is
that about?

Listen, don't forget
the AFI dinner at 8:00,

and sign your
Golden Globe entry.

I can't imagine why Brian
wouldn't come in here

and tell us
that Hank's coming in.

It doesn't sound
like him, does it?

I know.
Wow.

Larry, uh...

I'm here because I need
some emotional support.

Well, now that my
divorce is final, and I...

This'll just take
a second.

Hi. Larry Sanders, 551.

All clear. Huh?

No. Just hold that one.
Thank you.

Now that
my divorce is final,

and I'm getting past
the pain and the hurt

and really getting
into a healing place...
Uh-huh.

...it, uh, turns out
that my, uh,

my wife
wants more money.

Yeah. Well,
you know, Hank,

that's why we told you
to get that prenup.

That's because
you're cynical, you know?

You, you, you...
you're jaded.

You don't believe
in the, uh, the, uh...

bond that two caring people
can have for one another.

That fucking bitch!

She's going after
the Lookaround Café.

That is my baby!

All right, what about
the beach house?

Oh, fuck the beach house.
It's a rental.

Well, you told everyone
you owned the beach house.

I do,
in the summer.

Well, listen, you want
my advice, Hank?

As a man who's been
married twice,
take the high road.

Give her
whatever she wants.

Thanks for being there
for me.

(door closes)

That's so nice. Thank you
very, very much for coming.

You're too sweet.
Thank you.

Hey, look who's here.
Good luck to you guys.

Hey.
Hey.

Gosh, that was great.
Congratulations.

Thank you.
You're brown as a berry.

Oh, thanks, yeah,
I've been outside a lot.
Thank you for coming.

I'm happy
to be here.

When you see the highlights
of your movies put back-to-back,

honestly,
it's just incredible.

Congratulations.
What an honor.
Thank you.

This is no big deal.

Last week,
they did a tribute
to Steven Seagal.

This is not
a big deal.

Well, he's good.
Larry!

Paula! Hey!
Hi!

This is our
talent booker, Paula.

Hi.
Hey.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Oh, it was so thrilling
to see your stuff.

"Ernie Kovacs,"
"Jurassic Park," "The Fly"...

"Buckaroo Banzai."

Oh, hey!
"Buckaroo Banzai"!
Yes.

Perfect Tommy, Rawhide,
Reno, Penny Priddy.

What are they all
doing now, I wonder?

(laughing)
I dunno!

Um, I can't believe
you haven't done our show.

You would be perfect
for our show.

Oh, Paula, this is not
the time or place to be

asking Mr. Goldblum
about a silly talk show.

Hi, folks. Anyone like
a stuffed mushroom?

Yum. Yeah.
These are so good.

God, these look great.
Where are these from?

These are from
the Yucatán Peninsula.
Yum!

Uh, Scott, can I have
another Perrier, please?

Oh, but seriously,
Mr. Goldblum,

it would be so great

if you could be
on our show.

Larry:
I don't know
what she's doing.

You know, this is
a case of someone

who's just a big fan,
who knows we're friends,

and this is her job and
she's a little carried away.

This is your night.
Enjoy it.

I can't tell you,
seeing them back-to-back,

they were so good.
What is wrong with you?

Larry, my boy.
Good morning.

Did you ask Jeff Goldblum
to do the show last night?

Yes. Yes, I did.
But he wouldn't give
me an answer.

The whole evening was pretty
much a big waste of time.

Except for those
stuffed mushrooms.

You couldn't ask him
yourself, could you?

No, I couldn't.

And you haven't been able
to ask Susan out.

Let's just concentrate on
the booking problem, all right?

Aw, forget it.

(shouting)
Paula, would you get

my good friend Ricardo
Montalban on the phone?

More de prisa,
guapa!

Hey, um, I'm sorry to hear
about your divorce.

Oh, thank you.

I guess you guys
in publicity

are having
a real good laugh.

Married on TV,
and a year later,
canceled.

You know, I'm giving
her the restaurant
in the settlement.

Really? Well, that's
very generous of you.

Well, I've decided
to take the high road.

Any chance, uh,
we could use that

to make her look
like a cunt?

Uh, maybe. Let me sleep
on that one, Hank.

Oh, um, do you
have any interest

in going out
with Larry?

My good buddy
Ricardo Montalban

won't be joining us
this evening.

He's on vacation.

From what?

I just bumped into Hank
in the crapper...

Artie, I'm trying to eat
oatmeal here. Please.

He wants you to know
that Susan is too busy.

For what?

To go out with you.

How would he know that?

Because you asked him
to ask her.

And he couldn't
come in here directly

and tell me
that she said that?

He has to go
through you?

Well, I guess some people
are not as good as you are

in confronting people
face-to-face.
No.

He has to have somebody

do his little dirty work
for him, doesn't he?

What a baby.

A huge
fucking baby.

We're talkin' about,
uh, Hank, right?

Who do you think
we're talking about?

(line ringing)

Man (on phone):
Hello?

Jeff.

Larry.
Yes.

Hey, how ya doing? It was
great to see you last night.

Hey, it was great
to see you. Honestly,

when those films
are put back-to-back,
they're just great.

Oh, as you said
last night.

Listen, there's something
I wanted to ask you.

What's this? Shoot.

And listen-- seriously,
you must feel free to say no

if this is not something
you want to do.

You're a love.
That's what I love about you.

You're my hero, see?

What is it?

Well, we need a, uh,
big star for the show,

and it would mean a lot
to me, you know, uh,

honestly, personally,
and professionally,

if you would consider
doing the show...

like tonight.

Larry.
Tonight, really?

Well, I... can I
tell you something?

I've been waiting
for you to ask me.

I mean, you know,
I was hoping to do the show,

and last night, you know,
with the booker,

when she asked me,
you got all funny with her.

What was that?
It was confusing.

I thought she was
embarrassing you.

Embarrassing me?
No, Larry, come on.

What's going on here? I mean,
we're best friends, aren't we?

I adore you. I mean, what'd
you think I was going to say?

"No, and take
your shit show

and shove it
up your big, fat ass?"

Hey, great! So, we'll see
you, uh, later today?

Yes. I can't wait.

Okay. All right.

Splendid, my boy!

God. You see?

When you do it yourself,
you get results.

Brian:
Pussy alert!

Pussy alert!
Susan's here.

She's coming
on the hot asphalt.

Ooh.

What's going on?

We're on
a pussy alert.

Shh.
She looks great.

Larry, you want me
to get your binoculars?

Yeah. And my
camouflage pants.

She's
coming up.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna
go talk to her.

What?
(scoffs)

Pussy alerts are
just not as much fun
as they used to be.

Hey, Susan.

Oh. Hi, Larry.
Hi.

Hey, where
you headed?

Uh, I'm just gonna
exchange some of these tapes.

Oh, I'm headed
this way, also.

Hey, we have Jeff Goldblum
for tonight.

You do?
Yeah.

Oh, fantastic.
Yeah, yeah.

I love him.
He's a friend
of mine.

I asked him
to do the show.
Uh-huh.

Doing everybody's job.
Hey, listen.

Um...

Uh, could I talk
to you a second in here?

Uh, I know that Beverly
asked you out for me,

and I know Hank
asked you out for me,

and I just want you
to know that, uh--
And Phil.

Huh?
Phil.

Phil got
to you already?

Yeah, he did.

Well, I just
want to know

if you want to go
and have dinner with me

sometime after
the, uh, show.

Maybe tonight
after the show--

Um...
(tape clatters)

Oh. Well, uh...
(chuckles)

I mean, it doesn't
have to be tonight

if this is sort
of short notice.

It could be, you know,
another night.

Uh, Larry...

This probably doesn't...
Does this go with this?

(chuckles)
I don't think so.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I can't.
It's just--

At the end of the day,
I've got all this paperwork

and phone calls
to make.

I'm so bushed. I go home,
I go to sleep immediately.

I understand.
It's a dull existence.

Of course.
Well, people don't understand

how exhausting
show business is.

I know. They don't.
They don't.

But you do, so...

Well, I do.
Yeah.

I barely get
enough sleep myself.

I'm up at 9:30, right
at the crack of, uh...

You know, it's
nothing personal.

It really isn't.
I get up early.

Didn't take it
that way.
Yeah, good.

So, I'm gonna let everybody
know about Jeff Goldblum,

'cause, God, they'll
be excited about that.

Isn't that great?
Yeah.

Yeah, great. Okay.

See ya later.
Okay.

You need to be protected,
and that's my fault,

because I should've asked her
to go out with you.

It was very insensitive
of me.

It was fucking...
It was fucking mean.

And I'm just begging you
to accept my apology.

But we've
got a show to do.

Don't want to.

Hey, sweetheart,

you know
who's out there?

Jeff Goldblum,
your good buddy.

Come on, come on
with me, sweetheart.

Let's say hello
to him.

Don't want to.

You don't want to?
No.

Jeff!

So, how's everything
going with Laura Dern?

Mm. Mm-hmm. Good.

'Cause in relationships
a lot of times

people have a lot
of ups and downs.

So you guys,
you know, up or down?

Going up.

You're up.
Great.

Hey now!

Jeff Goldblum.
Hey.

Goldbl... is it
"blum" or "bloom"?

It's, uh, "bloom."

Oh. Well, welcome
to the show.

I... I must tell you
that, uh, "Jurassic Park,"

it just changed
my life.

Which is
my dressing room?

Uh, three, on the right,
and it has your name on it.

Take care.

All right.
Bonjour.

Hey.
Hey, Larry.

Hey, thanks
for coming today.

Is it too bright
in here for you?
Huh? Oh, sorry.

Uh... How are you?

Fine, fine.
Never better.

Really? You seem...
you seem down.

No.
Oh, God.

What?
What's the matter?
Nothing.

Is that
Susan Brautigan?

What,
do you know her?

Susan!
Yeah. Susan!

Yeah. She used to work
for Laura's publicist.

Hi. Wow.
Hey!

Don't you
look smashing.
Oh, thank you.

I am so thrilled
you're doing the show.

I'm just sorry
it's such late notice.

I could've done more
promotional stuff.

Well...
Next time.

Right, that's the spirit.
So how's Laura?

Oh, so good,
so good.

Listen, we're gonna have
dinner after the show.

Do you want
to join us?

Oh, I'd love to.
Yes. Thank you.

Great. Great.
And you, too. You come, too.

We'll make it
the four of us.

Well,
I thought that you...

Good, so the four of us.
It'll be fun.
Yes. Yes.

There we go.

Oh! What am I
thinking about?

Laura and I are having dinner
after the show with her mom.

Oh, Diane Ladd.

Yeah, that's right, Susan.
That's right.

But, listen, that's no
reason why the two of you

can't go to dinner
with each other.

You can have
a wonderful time.

'Cause, Susan, you're such
an intelligent woman,

and, Larry, you're a pious
and beautiful, beautiful man.

And why not?

Yes.
There we go.

Like two lovebirds
in a cherry tree.

That is so sweet.

All right, here I go.

I'll be transformed
when next you see me.

I'll see you out there.

Well, have fun.
Great to see you.

You, too.
Okay. Bye-bye.

Ahh, brilliant work,
my boy.

Shh!
Thank you
so very much.

Yes, yes. Gonna have
a great show.

Well, possibly so,
but listen,

next time, he's having
a fucking nervous breakdown,

maybe book
David Viscott.

Viscott!
Two "T"s.

It's not my field.
(chuckling)

We're lucky to have
you here tonight,

and I want to thank you
for taking time

out of your busy schedule
to delight us with your...

(scattered applause)
Thank you very much.

With my...?
With what you have.

Well, I...
(audience laughs)

This is going well,
isn't it?

It's going very well,
yeah, mm-hmm.

Well, don't mind me.
I'm just in the middle
of a... of a divorce.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah. So, anyway, you know,
I'm giving my, uh...
I was just making a joke.

...my restaurant to my wife
in the settlement.

Oh.
(applause)

I'm giving her
the Lookaround Café.

Well, there is
a lucky lady.

It's wonderful. That's
gonna be very successful.

Your ex-wife
is gonna do very well.

Very successful.

Well, you should know
there was a shooting

and a beating and a killing
and a stabbing there.

Larry:
Well, they have a
competitive side as well.

(audience laughs)

Well, and did you
have a good time?

I had a great time.

Did you have
a good time tonight?

I did. I did.

I really did.

Thanks for coming over.

Well, thank you
for having me over.

I hope you'll able to
come back, uh, back again.

Hey, why don't you come
back tomorrow night,

and we'll watch
the show again.

Uh, Larry,
I think that maybe...

we should keep
this relationship just

on a professional
level.

Don't you?
Oh, yeah.

Yes,
absolutely.

I... That...

I'm very comfortable
with that.

Christ, I'm sorry that
your date didn't work out,

but let's just
put this all behind us,

'cause we've got
a show to do.

Don't want to.

(theme music playing)