Original subtitles

Well, that sucked.

I think I actually depressed Dolly Parton.

Dolly loves you. I quote, "Honey,

Larry's more fun than the cup ride at Dollywood."

Yeah, and those are big cups.

(laughing)

Oh, God, I'm so sluggish.

I'm telling you, I've been sluggish all week.

No, you were fresh, fast, focused, funny.

Paula, tell our boy he's anything but sluggish.

You are anything but sluggish. Oh.

Triple espresso.

Because I seem a little sluggish, don't I?

No. No, not at all.

Just drink it up. Oh, because I'm sluggish?

No. Because if I had just done a long show,

I'd want a triple espresso.

Right. What do you mean, long?

It was the same length as it always is, isn't it?

Hey, did I tell you that I got a new television?

Hey, really?

Oh.

Oh, something's wrong with me, I swear to you.

I feel like I have 20 pounds of wet sand in my head.

I keep telling you it's your diet.

You need a nutritionist.

I should probably get a nutritionist.

You know...

Where's Artie?

Uh... (knocking on door)

Uh, Larry, you got time to meet my son?

Cully, this is Larry.

Hey, happy to meet you. Yeah.

Artie: This is Beverly.

Hi, nice to meet you. Hi.

Artie: Cully's a big fan of the show.

He never watches Letterman, never watches Leno,

hates "Nightline." That's flattering.

Where'd you get this stupid-looking peanut?

Huh? Uh, Larry

is the America Peanut Growers' nut of the year, 1989.

I was nuttier in the late '80s.

And you're proud of that?

Well, I don't know if proud's the word,

but, you know, honored. Absolutely.

Hey, Dad, where's the crapper?

I gotta drop the kids off at the pool.

Artie: I'll show you the way.

"So delighted to meet you."

Oh, yeah. Nice to meet you.

Keep flipping. No flipping.

(Artie laughing)

What a freak.

Yeah. What a big fucking freak.

(whispering) Larry, that's the son. That's the one that got--

That's the one that got busted. Huh?

(whispers) I can't hear you.

That's the son, the one that-- Talk up.

They're in the crapper, for God's sakes.

I can't hear you.

Jesus. Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting?

No. Artie, your son, he's so nice.

Good-looking boy, too.

Yeah. He's a good guy. You know, it's--

he's just kidding around, but that's his way.

The peanut. Oh, come on.

Peanuts are funny looking. We all know that.

He was just making a little joke, right?

(laughing) Yeah.

Cully's had a rough time.

Annie and I split up when he was eight,

and when I came out here, they stayed in Brooklyn.

He fell in with a bad crowd just like his old man did.

I haven't seen him for several years. Yeah.

Well... good-looking boy.

Yeah. I've got a favor to ask you.

Where are you going?

Yeah. We have to go through

the J.Crew catalog?

Beverly: But, Larry, I have to call the nutritionist.

I mean, look at you. You're falling apart.

So, this is my big chance to reconnect with Cully.

I thought that, if you didn't mind,

I would like to hire him on here as a PA.

Here on the show? Yeah, here on the show.

Yeah. As a PA? Production assistant.

I know what a PA is. I was just thinking,

he's got such a great personality,

maybe he should be the receptionist.

(both laugh) Listen, if it makes you uncomfortable,

just say the word. Be straight with me. No, I'm fine.

I am being straight with you. Hey, I'm always happy

to give someone a new opportunity.

If it happens to be your son, even better.

Do you remember that summer we hired Sheldon's son

and we caught him in the Xerox room

with a copy of "Hustler"?

Remember what he was doing? Yeah, I know.

I found them. That's right.

You know, Larry, if you think this is a bad idea,

you should tell Artie his son cannot work here.

I can't. I can't tell Artie.

You know what? Artie's done so much for me,

and I never do anything in return for him.

I don't even remember the last time

I sent him a birthday gift.

You give him a birthday present every year.

I do? Yeah.

You send him the Tulip Explosion

from Flowers By Drake.

Really? Oh. What am I, a pussy?

Why don't I send him something nice,

like a parasol and some earrings?

This job is a breeze. There's nothing to it.

All you have to do is keep our star happy.

If Larry's happy, everyone's happy.

So that means I have to whoop it up

every time Larry makes a joke?

Yes. If you're within an eight-foot radius,

whoop it up.

That's the job? That's life.

Don't lip off to the head rooster,

you're set.

God, I have to tell you, buddy, I'm really happy you're here.

Jesus, we're gonna make up for lost time.

Hey, Dad, you want to go have lunch?

Sorry. Can't today.

I gotta have lunch with the head rooster.

What is this right here?

You got lasagna, and the nutritionist

brings it every day. Uh-uh. No way, buddy.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Listen, no, I love lasagna,

whereas this-- this tastes, honestly,

like some kind of cardboard shit.

Yeah, yeah. That's definitely the lasagna. Oh.

Yeah. You want to try the ravioli?

Yeah. Give me some of that. All right.

This tastes basically the same.

I don't even think it's my diet.

I think maybe-- what if I have mono?

That's a kissing disease. Mm-hmm.

Artie: Don't kiss me. Larry: Well, come here.

Pucker up. (Artie laughs)

Come on. Hey, Cully, my lad!

How goes it so far?

Oh, action packed.

I got fruit baskets coming out of my ass.

Dad, that network dipshit is sitting in your office,

waiting for you. Oh, Dennis.

Ah. I'll be back in a second.

Would you ask Dennis if they can give me a StairMaster?

And if not, I'll settle for a wheelchair.

I swear to God.

(laughing)

Got a good dad there. Yeah. What's that?

Lasagna. You want some?

Beverly? Beverly, come in here.

Yeah? Look who's here. Cully.

Uh, Larry, I'm sorry. I was cleaning your mug.

That's all right. You know what I could go for?

Cully, do you mind going out and getting some frozen yogurt?

Do I mind, Beverly?

It's not as thrilling as unjamming the Xerox machine,

but, no, I do not mind.

Blueberry, maple cream, pumpkin cheesecake,

chocolate pudding, and chocolate nut fudge.

How about you, cutie pie? Yogurt?

I'll have a pumpkin cheesecake, please.

I'll have some yogurt. Hey, slim pants, yogurt?

No, thanks, fat pants,

but you can get me a "Time," a "Newsweek,"

and a "USA Today."

And, yeah, I'll have some blueberry yogurt.

What is the non-dairy flavor?

Non-dairy is strawberry swirly

or, as I like to call it, the Queer's Delight.

I'll have that.

Lar will have Queer's Delight.

Licorice, candy bars, pretzels, and gum.

Larry can't eat this crap. Where is the yogurt?

That guy must be a moron.

I think he's very sexy,

and I'd like to sleep with him.

Paula, he's a thug.

Good. I'm so tired of all the neurotic pussies around here.

I don't want to be cruel,

but how long does it take to get yogurt?

Uh, Humphrey "Yogart" is right around the corner.

That's what I thought.

Well, maybe he went to This Can't Be Yogurt.

Where is that?

It's right near What Is This? Yogurt?

You know, I don't care if he goes

to Hey, That's My Asshole.

I just want some yogurt. Is that asking too much?

Larry, the boy has a bad attitude.

Yeah. Well, I don't think

this is gonna work out.

Well, somebody should talk to Artie.

Well, I'm rehearsing,

so I can't talk to him.

Paula: Oh, you're rehearsing.

Yeah, I'm rehearsing a sketch.

I was gonna tell you what a groovy new look

that is for you. Yeah, thanks.

Appreciate it. By the way,

I gotta get my bong back.

God!

Christ! I'm sweating my ass off.

It's like a sauna out there.

That's why the yogurt's a little extra wet.

Excuse me. Hey, hey.

Would you mind wiping this off

before handing it to me?

It's yogurt soup.

It's gonna look nice in the garbage can.

Uh, Hank. Cully: Here.

Paula! (whispers) Hank, that's Artie's son.

Cully: Larry.

Actually, I-I-- I prefer it... extra wet,

'cause it's more like real yogurt.

My AC blew.

My car became a stinking hellhole.

Well, next time, you see,

you want to take my car.

I mean, if that's okay with you, Arthur.

I don't care. It's your car.

Hey, is this strawberry swirly?

'Cause it tastes like maple cream.

They were out of strawberry swirly.

Oh.

Hank: Well, I'm happy with mine.

Mmm! Delicious.

Artie: Son, I think you screwed up the yogurt,

but that's all right.

Everyone screws up the yogurt.

I used to screw it up back when it was ice cream,

and my car smelled like rotten milk,

but that's show biz.

My solution was a cooler for the back seat.

I'll get you one. My treat.

Arthur, you put that cooler in my car.

That's all show business bullshit.

What I'd really like to do is work for UPS.

United Parcel Service. That's cool.

UPS is great. You get to wear shorts,

drive around with the door open.

It's perfect in this fucking heat.

Cully: Shorts every day. Cully?

Oh, there you are.

Can I talk to you for one second?

I'm sorry about last night. What? Oh!

Wait, about the car? Nah, no.

I've forgotten about that.

How long did you wait

before you finally gave up?

Uh, well, let's see.

I called a cab about, uh--

about midnight. But, you know,

now that you mention it, this morning

when I went down to move the car out of the red zone,

I noticed that the arm rest was just, uh, missing

and the-- the seats were very sticky.

That's just the yogurt. Ajax and water.

You're telling me to clean it up?

Yeah, that's the way I'd do it.

No one else has ever sat

behind the wheel of my Bentley

except for the three previous owners

and now our Cully.

And we appreciate it, don't we, Cully, my boy?

Yeah, especially since I drove my shit box

into the bus shelter.

♪ Thinking of the time when everything was right ♪

♪ Thinking of a time with only you and I ♪

♪ It makes me sorry that it had to end that way ♪

♪ I learned my lesson now, there's nothing left to say ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Graduation day ♪

♪ ♪

There you go.

♪ ♪

(cheers and applause)

Chris Isaak.

We'll be back with another tune

from Chris Isaak after this break.

No flipping.

(applause) Man: We're clear!

You were fucking amazing!

Fucking great! Thanks, man.

What's wrong? My ass hurts.

That B-12 shot's doing no good whatsoever.

Actually, maybe I should get a shot

in each cheek, because one half of my ass

feels like it's alive and raring to go

and the other half feels depressed and lonely.

Oh, I drank it too fast.

Oh, you okay? Yeah.

Hey, listen, before you leave,

could you do me one favor? Sure.

Just call up my ex-girlfriend.

She dumped me. She'd go nuts

if she knew I was hanging out with you.

What is he doing, talking to the talent?

I really wouldn't know what to say to her.

(laughing) Yeah, right.

You just call her up, you talk it up.

Say we went to the taco place on Alameda.

It's her favorite place.

Yeah. It'll take you one minute.

Hey, that was great, just great.

No, that was fucking amazing.

Excuse us. (exhales) Man.

Producer's kid or something?

Yeah, that's the producer's, uh, son.

He's a good boy. Good-looking boy.

How's the B-12 shot? How's the B-12 shot?

The doctor stuck a needle in the fleshy part of my ass.

That's how it was.

Anything wrong?

No, why? Something wrong with you?

(sighing)

Yeah.

I should never have hired Cully to work here.

He fucked up Hank's car.

He had Chris Isaak on the phone for 20 minutes.

He's rude to everyone except Paula.

Jeez, he's a fucking mess.

All right, look, he's doing fine.

Nepotism is always bad. Just look at Kiefer Sutherland.

It's a fucking mess. He shouldn't be here.

Hey, it's not that bad. He's a good kid.

He's a good boy. He's doing fine.

I've got to fire him. I think so.

Oh, God, I have to fire my own son.

He'll never forgive me.

Why don't you tell him it's my fault?

Tell him I'm uncomfortable around new people.

Yeah, I'll tell him that, uh,

that you're uncomfortable around new people, uh... Yeah.

that you don't like anyone who's younger than you,

that you're still mad about that Queer's Delight crack.

Just tell him the new people part.

"Larry's uncomfortable around new people."

What a crock of shit.

As long as I've known Larry,

he's been uncomfortable with new people.

So fucking what?

It's not new people. It's me.

He doesn't want me around.

Oh, Christ, you're as paranoid as your mother.

Uh-uh. I know it's true. I'm competition.

With me gone, he'll have you all to himself.

Oh, you're raving, Cully.

Dad, don't fire me just because Larry's jealous.

For once in your life, stand up to him.

He'll respect you, and so will I.

Christ, I hate this fucking near beer.

We've got a wonderful show tonight.

Mr. Larry King will be here. Good.

Eli, those pants are a little snug.

Will you take them out in the area?

Well, that's what I thought. I--

Travis Tritt videos. Attaboy. Keep it up.

Uh, he's staying on, if you don't mind.

He made a few rookie mistakes,

but he's promised me he'll be more gung ho.

Well, wait a minute.

I thought we'd settled that.

I thought he was going.

Why? Because Cully hasn't learned how to kiss ass yet

like everybody else around here?

I just wanted my frozen yogurt frozen. That's all.

Frozen it shall be. With sprinkles on it. That's all I'm asking.

It's a small thing. Absolutely.

Larry. Hey, Larry. Larry.

Hey, good to be here. Hey, what a pleasure!

Good seeing you. Yes, sir!

How you been? Super.

Who have you had on the show?

We had President Clinton last week. Have you had him?

No. Artie: Soon!

(chuckles) King: yes.

Oh, we had Arafat, King Hussein,

and Rabin all together.

No, we're an entertainment show here.

Oh. Shit, I can see this is a double Larry day.

Come on. Come on, Eli. Let's leave these kings alone.

Always a pleasure, sir. Nice seeing you.

You know who you ought to have on? Brando.

I can't stop eating.

In the name of the sweet baby Jesus,

why am I so fat?

No, you're not fat at all.

You're voluptuous. You have a great body.

I'm fat. That's fat.

Look at that. Yeah, that is fat, isn't it?

Touch it. Just touch a little bit of that.

No, some of that's muscle, though.

Hey, I'm che-- Sorry to interrupt.

(laughing)

Hey, Cully, were you able to get my magazines?

The "L.A. Times" is on your table.

Well, the "L.A. Times" is not a magazine.

See, "Spin," "People," "Entertainment Weekly,"

those are magazines.

Really? Thanks for telling me,

because I wouldn't know what a magazine is.

I'm a moron. Well, when you say

the "L.A. Times" is a magazine,

you sound like a moron.

Get your own magazines. I'm not your errand boy.

(laughing) Look, I'm sorry

that you're a 50-year-old PA,

but that's not really my fault.

Ow! (groaning)

Shit! Ow! What the hell was that?

Jesus!

Hi, Cully.

Shit. What?

I had something going on with that one.

Wasn't exclusive. With Betsy the page?

She's an idiot. Maybe it was the uniform.

You'd look good in that too, with the red tie.

Cully.

Hey, don't get involved with people you work with,

no matter how sullen they are.

Phil started it.

Don't you want to hear my side?

No. It doesn't matter. (laughing)

You never want to hear my side

since I'm five years old, right?

Eh, give me a break.

Will you just calm down?

You always assume it's my fault.

I broke the window.

I stole the money that time.

Ah, give me a break. Yeah.

I'm always the fuck-up, right?

Uh, just settle down

and listen to me, will you, Cully?

You never wanted me around.

When you were shooting "The Jackie Gleason Show,"

you wouldn't even let me on the set.

Not after you stabbed "The Great One" with a fork!

I was six years old. He was coming at me.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, the whole world is keeping Cully down.

No, it's not your fault you're a fuck-up.

Parr, Gleason, Cavett, and now Larry.

It's always the same.

Larry, a guy who's so limp

he's like a fucking sock.

Don't you dare call Larry a sock!

Look at you!

You're a fucking cheerleader for Larry!

Larry! Larry! Larry! Hey!

I'm not the perfect father.

You know what, son? I never will be.

But at some point,

you're gonna have to grow up

and stop blaming me for everything you do.

At some goddamn point, you're gonna have to

take some responsibility like I do now.

You're fired!

Okay.

Okay, this goes to Larry King,

this to Valerie Harper,

and the cactus goes to the comic.

Hold it.

Okay.

Larry: You know, you're being too hard on yourself.

Well, why should I--

You're being too hard on yourself. I'm a terrible father.

You are not a terrible father.

His being here wasn't helping

the relationship at all, and you know it.

You're a good father.

What the fuck do you know about kids?

Here.

You know, last time Cully and I

had an argument like this,

we didn't speak for three years.

He's probably getting bombed right now.

I just pray he stays out of the joint.

He's 35, Artie. Let him lead his own life.

Why don't you have some kids of your own?

Then you can tell me how to raise mine.

Fine. I will have some kids of my own,

but after the show. Look at the bright side.

Maybe he'll get that job at UPS that he wanted.

Huh? What job? You didn't know

that he wanted to get a job at UPS?

That's all he talks about, Artie.

No shit.

Yeah, he likes wearing the shorts,

and evidently, they have trucks with no doors.

I don't know. That's what Beverly tells me. What?

(laughing)

Cully always liked to wear his shorts.

I don't get it.

I ordered those vitamins three weeks ago,

the day we had Chris Isaak on.

I mean, I don't mean to be an asshole, but how long does it take

to get vitamins in the fucking mail?

Okay. I'll see if I can trace the package.

Thank you. Hey, Larry.

Hey, Beverly.

Cully. Wow. What a nice outfit.

Thank you. Look what I got here.

Vitamins from the Bottled Earth Company.

I was waiting for these.

Yeah. I saw them my first day on my job.

I saw the package, I said,

"Let me take this to Larry personally."

And then I spaced.

I left it in the trunk of the car.

Hope they're still potent.

Cully, my boy!

How's the delivery business?

Oh, I love it. Love every minute of it.

Thanks for putting in the word.

Aw, no problem. Terry and I go way back.

Hey, why don't we run down to La Brea to Pink's?

We'll get a fatty with onions and sauerkraut.

I got a lot of packages to deliver.

Aw, come on. Fuck it. I'll get to them later.

Hey. (laughing)

Isn't tampering with the mail a felony?

Yeah, well, he's Artie's son.

♪ ♪