Original subtitles

Will you tell that new guy on camera 3

not to go so close on Larry?

General rule of thumb, if you see nose hair,

it's too close.

Aha!

Checks for Larry, birds for Hank.

Ah, throw that one away.

Make sure that Ryan O'Neal has everything he needs.

He's a personal friend.

I want him well taken care of.

Gracias, hombre. Vamanos.

Hey, Brian needs you.

Paula? Yes, sir.

I looked over the Brett Butler questions,

and as much as I'd love Larry to ask her

about her gorgeous new tits,

I feel we covered that front quite well

when Miss Butler was here in May.

Hmm. Yeah?

Yeah, you're right. I'm a little spacey today.

You have to forgive me. I've got my period.

Really? Yeah.

You know, you used that excuse

ten weeks ago, if memory serves. Mm-hmm.

That means you're not due to start your cycle

until the 22nd or 23rd.

Well, how do you know I wasn't lying the last time?

You were a bit puffy. Oh, you're good.

You're not the first woman who's told me that.

Phil: Arthur? Yo.

You have got to talk to Larry.

He won't wear the hat for the sketch.

Do you like history, Phil?

What does that mean?

Because if Larry doesn't want to wear the hat,

that's what it becomes, dig?

Listen,

if he doesn't wear the hat,

then this sketch is going to die.

He is supposed to be the Gorton's fisherman.

Without the hat, he's just a guy in a yellow slicker.

(laughing) What?

It makes me laugh.

What makes you laugh? The sketch?

No, the word "slicker." It makes me chuckle.

Say it again. Slicker.

Use it in a sentence.

I like my slicker. (laughing)

Artie? Artie, I'm gonna kick somebody's ass, I swear.

Profanity, Beverly. I love it.

My mother's here to see the show.

Her first visit to California,

and that Wendy bitch in charge of the audience,

she's got her way up, the hell up there

where we put the retards.

Ah, we call them "mentally challenged" now, Beverly.

Look... The sketch is dead.

Look, I don't care, Artie.

You've got to handle this for me.

I don't ask for much, but my mother's here

all the way from Philadelphia.

Don't twist your skivvies in a knot, sugar.

We'll put her right down front, okay?

Thank you. Having fun showing her around?

Artie, the woman is my mother.

Hang in there, baby.

Brian: Arthur? Arthur? Oh, good.

Uh, Hank wants to see you

in his dressing room right away.

It's an emergency.

Is there blood? Everywhere.

We're about ten minutes away from warm-up, pal.

Don't you think you'd better go change?

I know, Artie, I know, but we have got a problem.

What? Can't find your way upstream to spawn?

This is about respect. This is about personal space.

This is about the violation-- Hey, skip to the end.

Got it. Here's the long and short of it.

Someone has been touching my karaoke machine.

Oh, God, no!

This machine was a gift from the manufacturer, Artie.

This is a special limited edition model.

And not to get off the subject,

but I think we could use this on the show

and just have a lot of fun with it.

I think we could. Really?

No.

The thing is, a person or persons has been coming in here

and just using this baby without my permission.

I walk in in the morning and the red light is on

and this baby is just warm to the touch,

and I've got to tell you, it's unsettling.

Do we have to settle this crisis

right before we go on the air?

Yes, we do.

I've had Bri ask around

to find out who the culprit might be,

and Bri, by the way, if it's you, it's fine.

Just tell me.

I know how your people enjoy the karaoke.

It wasn't me, Hank.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go

and call my parents and tell them I'm Asian.

I miss Darlene, and not just because of,

you know, the, uh, the sweaters. Excuse me.

My next guest is-- my next guest is hilarious.

She's literally my favorite guest

here on "The Larry Sanders Show."

I love having her on.

You know her from her many appearances on this show

as well as "Roseanne."

Please welcome our favorite, Sandra Bernhard.

Sandra Bernhard. (cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Hi, baby. How are you?

Miss you. I miss you.

I miss you so much that it's killing me.

You know, that was the least graceful entrance

we've ever had on the show.

Would you expect anything less from me?

I thought I was going to lead. From moi?

We both came in at the same time.

I know, and I love that. I love that about us.

I would rather sometimes be allowed to be the man.

Well, you're gonna have a little bit of a fight

on your hands, sweetheart.

Well, you have... (laughter)

Look at you in a shawl collar jacket.

Will you stop killing me

with the fashion statements tonight?

I know. You don't think this is a fashion don't?

It is-- no. It's a fashion do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, ♪ do. ♪

Gee whiz, I wish I could do that.

You're bitter about the Lisa Marie,

Michael Jackson thing, aren't you?

Oh... I picture you bitter.

You wanted to be with one of them.

Yeah, look, I went over to Lisa Marie--

I went over to Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson's house.

I got into bed with them. They had plenty of room.

I don't know what the problem is.

Well, now what would be your prediction

for the relationship?

You don't think it's a real relationship, do you?

Oh, I think they're just going at it

like, you know, cats and dogs.

What do you mean, exactly?

I don't know what I mean by that.

I mean, they're arguing

or they're burying stuff in the backyard?

For all I know, they're...

(laughter and applause)

How's your career going? Oh, it's just fabulous.

Everything is happening. Yeah? Good.

You deserve the best. All at once.

It's just coming at me at 100,000 miles a minute.

Who is? Everybody in the business.

Is that a good thing that they're

coming at you 100,000 miles...?

Apparently, it's a nightmare.

Well, what have you got going on?

Oh, not a damn thing. I've been fired off everything.

No, you haven't.

(laughter)

All right, let's take a break

and we'll be right back with more Sandra Bernhard.

(cheers and applause)

No flipping.

(cheers and applause)

Man: We're clear.

Sandra, my love, promise, come back soon.

Well, I didn't know--

I didn't know I was going anywhere.

Yeah. Let's keep her on for another segment.

She's doing great. Of course, honey.

I can stay here all fucking night. Good.

I adore you. I'd do anything for you. Oh.

It's so great to be here.

I have an erection.

Funny... so do I.

Hey, two-- two erections and nowhere to go. Ouch!

(laughter)

Hey, amigo, maybe you've forgotten I've got

my buddy Ryan O'Neal behind the curtain.

Ryan O'Neal. I promised I'd get him on tonight

to plug his new film with Cher.

You know, it's called "Faithful,"

which I would like to be. Yes.

Is this about me? No, this isn't about you.

Okay. Listen, by all means,

keep Sandra on but don't bump Ryan. Okay.

He loves you. He loves Sandra.

He'll be fun. I won't bump Ryan.

Okay.

I am. I'm sick about this, but you know what?

It happens all the time. Hey, thanks for being

a soldier about this, Rye Bread.

We're gonna call Jimmy White tomorrow morning

and I'll resched. Larry: Yes, absolutely.

I mean, Sandra was out there. She was doing great.

Artie made the decision to keep her on

and it's a tough call,

but that's why he's the producer.

Yeah, that's right. Okay.

No one is safe from my mighty axe,

even my best buddy.

Hey, don't worry about it. I'll see you again.

Good, good. Absolutely. We'll have a great time.

Hey, listen, tell Farrah and Tatum

and the others I said hi. I will.

Good. Big fans.

Hey, me too.

I feel like shit about this.

Hey, I ran into Barry Lyndon the other night.

You haven't aged a day, you dog.

Artie, how long have we known each other? 20 years?

And this is the bullshit I get?

If it'd make you feel better to hit me, go ahead.

Shut up. You know you want to.

I'm not hitting anymore.

Artie, you sold me out. Listen, come on now.

It's a little more complicated

than the way Larry describes it. Fuck you.

And the next time you need somebody to pick you up

after one of your DUIs, don't call me.

Just listen to me.

Will you let me give you my side of it?

Get lost. Hey, how you doing?

And don't call me "Rye Bread."

That's what Farrah calls me.

Don't tell me to calm down.

You just like to enjoy

making me look like a rat bastard, don't you?

I know it's my job to cover your ass,

but there's a limit. Speaking of my ass,

if it gets any bigger, it's gonna need a publicist.

No, I'm not kidding.

It's gonna have a career of its own soon.

Aw, come on. Why'd you have to sell me

down the river to Ryan, of all people?

Why'd you tell him that it was my decision to bump him?

I know you didn't want to have that blood on your hands,

but why'd you have to go and wipe it all over me?

You know, he seemed okay with it, okay?

You think so? Yes.

Of course, that's what you think,

because you're such a brilliant judge

of what people are feeling. Thank you.

I happen to be able to read a--

Uh, sorry. Sorry to interrupt, boys.

Your office is looking for you. You have a phone call.

Not now. It's your wife.

Ex-wife. Okay.

Where is she? The Netherlands.

Heh! Why not?

She's probably screwing Hans Brinker.

She's making his skates and earrings as we speak.

I'm gonna take this call and I'm gonna come back here

and we're gonna settle some things once and for all.

I mean it, Larry.

Oh, he's upset. Beverly: Oh, you think?

Yes, I think so.

I mean, that's what I'm picking up.

I've been told I'm a good judge

of what people are feeling. I'm guessing he's upset.

Well, that's not my problem now, is it, sweetie?

I'm sending you the money

but not until the first of the month.

Them's the rules, baby.

Yeah?

Yeah? Oh, boo-hoo.

Hon, listen, you've been at it for 15 minutes.

Give it up. I'm not sending you one thin guilder.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay, here's what you do.

Go to Rotterdam. Then you go to Amsterdam.

Then you go down the road to my city.

That's right.

It's a little place called I-don't-give-a-damn.

Bye now.

(laughing)

I-don't-give-a-damn. That's a good one.

Okay, Larry, you...

Where is he? Gone.

Uh-huh.

Two seconds ago.

So he went as soon as I left to take the call, huh?

Of course. You didn't really expect to find him here?

It's no use calling him at home.

You know he's just gonna

unplug his answering machine tonight.

I'm tired.

Well, why don't you just go home?

No. I'm tired of this shit!

He's lucky he's not in that chair,

the fucking asshole. Fuck him!

Fuck me for taking his shit for so long!

Beverly? I'm coming, Ma.

I'm sorry. No, it's all right.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

What are you gonna do?

Huh.

Artie: There are those letters I hate.

There they are. I hate those fucking letters.

And now, because he's a big, phony bastard,

Larry Sanders!

Hang in there, Hank.

This is Artie, our producer.

What a kiss-ass.

All right.

Jesus Christ.

♪ ♪

♪ I want to be around to see how he does it ♪

♪ When he breaks your heart to bits ♪

♪ Let's see if the puzzle fits ♪

♪ So fine ♪

♪ That's when I'll discover ♪

♪ That revenge is sweet ♪

♪ As I sit there applauding from a front-row seat ♪

♪ When somebody breaks your heart ♪

♪ Like you broke mine ♪

♪ That's when I'll discover ♪

♪ That revenge is sweet ♪

♪ As I sit there applauding from a front-row seat ♪

♪ When somebody breaks your heart ♪

♪ Like you broke mine ♪

♪ Like you ♪

♪ Like you broke mine ♪

(hums)

Like you broke mine.

(applauding)

Hey! Who's back there?

(running footsteps)

Hey!

Hey, up there! Hold up!

I'm talking to you, asshole! Hold it!

I'm sorry. I new here.

Well, what are you doing on my stage?

Hello. I janitor.

I hear that sing. Very good. I sorry.

Well, you don't belong here.

I hear that sing.

Where are you from?

Toluca Lake in California. (laughing)

Yeah, I recognize that Toluca Lake accent.

No, dipshit, I mean originally,

before Toluca Lake.

Before? Brasov, Romania.

Oh. What's your name?

Nicolae.

I'm Artie.

Hello, Artie.

I sorry I hear that sing. Uh-huh.

Very good. Very sorry.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Thought it was pretty good, did you?

Oh, is very good.

(laughing)

And over there, that's the band.

You know, music.

And the audience, of course, is seated here. Yes.

And that's my monitor.

I stand right over there during the show. Yes.

And, uh, right here, this is Larry's desk. Yes.

Yes. You watch the show?

You like it? Yes.

Yes. You watch it a lot?

Who Larry is? Larry Sanders.

Larry Sanders. Yes, this is his show,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

You just told me that you watched the show a lot.

Yes, but is no Larry.

Yes, is Larry. He sits right here at the desk.

This is his desk.

See? Over there on the couch, that's where Hank is.

Hank. Hank is very good. (laughing)

You know Hank? "Hey, now!"

(laughter)

Hey, now! Oh, God!

I wish Larry were here right now.

Hey, now. (laughing)

Hey, now! Hey, now!

(laughing)

You know why we get along, Nick?

Because we're brothers.

We're the unsung heroes.

I clean up shit all day,

you clean up shit all night.

It's different shit,

but we're the guys pushing the broom.

Here you go. What is this?

It's Scotch whiskey. Glenlivet, single malt.

When you die, you'll go to heaven,

you'll say hello to God,

and when God says hello to you,

this is what you'll smell on his breath.

Skol! Hello.

Hello. (laughing)

(coughs) Whoa, chihuahua.

I'm sick of looking at this fucking picture here.

It's going, it's gone. Bye-bye.

You're lucky, Nick,

'cause the shit I clean up talks back.

(belching)

Hey, Larry, this is "Author."

I'm sitting here with my good buddy Nicolae,

and I'm just leaving you a message

on your office voicemail.

It's 3:15 a.m. and, uh, I'll level with you.

I'm furious at you, buddy.

I-- I'm gonna resist the urge to, uh,

express my anger by using profanity,

and I hope you appreciate that, you...

Scum-sucking asshole!

I've given this a great deal of thought, Larry.

I think the best thing for me to do

is to move on, you...

Limp-dicked pantywaist.

I want you to know that I wish you great success

with the show, and personally, I have

no ill will toward you and...

But hope your balls fall off!

Hey, you're getting the hang of it.

Okay. Take care.

All right, now. Ah...

Why don't you tell me

about those gorgeous women in Romania?

Women in Romania, good, big. Big, huh?

I'll bet you'd love my good friend Liz Ashley.

She big? Oh, good.

Hey, Nick, take a look up there.

See all those beams there,

how they're all tied together?

There's an architectural term for that.

I don't know what the hell it is,

but they should call it "The Arthur."

Is "The Arthur." That's right.

Because all the pressure in this building,

all the stress goes right into that

but it doesn't crack, does it? No!

Yes, sir. You bet your ass.

Damn right it doesn't.

See, that's me... up there.

What's my point?

Hey... yeah.

You know, night after night,

you work, work, work, put on the show,

and you do the best you can,

and after all, what does it add up to?

'Cause all people remember

is the night the chimp grabbed Larry's balls.

Hope they fall off! Oh, settle down.

We're not doing that right now. No? Sorry.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what my life

ultimately means.

That's the way it adds up.

Just a monkey and some balls.

Oh, what the hell am I complaining for?

Jesus Christ, look at you, you poor bastard.

Bet your whole ass.

Here. Okay, look here.

I want you to take this. Go on, take it.

No, fuck your pride. Keep the clip too.

Too very manys. Oh, you see this?

Look, the great one, Mr. Jackie Gleason himself--

God love you, buddy-- he gave me this

the year he took his show to Florida

and I want you to have it. No.

Yeah. No, it's yours, because you're my brother.

Brother, I love you!

Oh, I love you, brother!

(glass shattering) Oh, what did...

Oh, there goes Glen. I'm sorry, brother.

All right. What the hell.

Just get your mop and clean it up.

Is bullshit.

What? What bullshit?

Why Nicolae get mop?

Brother, you drop bottle, you go clean.

Oh, well, excuse me, brother.

You're still the fucking janitor, aren't you?

Oh.

Go to hell. Fuck you.

Go to hell.

Here. Here.

Money's back. Clip is back.

Take. I no want. Ah, you're a fucking idiot.

Do you know that?

Give me my watch. Watch I keep.

Ah, get your ass back here.

I hope your balls falling off!

Ah, fuck you! You're fired! I union!

Union this! I no need brother like you!

(both groaning)

Larry: Uh, this is Joel, and Joel,

are you an ape or a monkey?

(laughter)

Should I not throw it? Is she gonna take the ball?

(laughter)

(laughing)

Now you know how I feel, pal.

Well, before we wrap the anniversary show up tonight,

I want to say that we wouldn't even be having

an anniversary show if it weren't for the work of one man.

I'm talking about our producer Artie.

Can we get a camera on him?

Do you want to take a bow there, Artie?

Take a bow. (cheers and applause)

He's a great guy and we all love him

and he's smiling like that

because his refund check from the Betty Ford Clinic

just came in the mail today.

(laughing)

Prick.

Good morning.

Good morning.

It's going to be a good one tonight. I feel it!

Artie, the karaoke machine...

Trouble, Hank? No, that's just the point.

Everything is dan-dan-dandy.

Thanks for getting the word out.

Now, the thing is... Yes, sir?

It appears that someone has vomited

in my wastebasket during the night.

I'll get on it right away.

I said to myself, "Well, did I do that?"

But I don't think I did.

Who did we have on the show last night?

I believe random vomit is the janitor's responsibility.

Have Brian call and ask for Nicolae.

Is he in? Yes.

Have you by chance

gone through his voicemail messages?

Yes, and he only got one from Jack Levitz in Publicity.

That's the only one he got, then?

No, but that's the only one he heard.

God love you, though. (laughing)

Morning, chief. Morning.

I'm going to say a few words

that will really make you smile. Okay.

Warm, moist muffiny goodness.

Courtney Cox? (laughing)

Oh, close. A muffin. All right.

Well, even better.

Uh, listen, I, uh, told Beverly

to place a call to Ryan O'Neal

and I'm going to tell him that it was my fault

he was bumped, okay?

Not really necessary, my boy.

The storm has passed.

Well, it's something I want to do,

and I got you this bottle of Glenlivet.

I know you really like that.

Believe it or not, this is just what I need.

Yes, I thought so.

Oh, you forgot his muffin fork.

Will you sign this for my mother, please? Uh-huh.

Beverly, cancel the call to Ryan O'Neal, please.

Hmm? Oh, uh, sorry.

Just cancel it. Oh, okay.

I'm going to put this into a secure spot

and then I'll meet you down on the stage

and we'll preview tonight's desk piece.

Toodles!

You told him, uh...

that I didn't hear the message, right?

Yeah. Good, good.

How bad was it? Bad.

Not as bad as the one he left me last year.

But he's got this friend Nicolae...

what a mouth on that one.

(laughing)

Beverly!

(theme music playing)