All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S03E15_English

Hey, Hank.
How goes it, buddy?

Couldn't be better.

Aw, cheer up. Soon
this divorce will be final.

You'll be a free man

with what's left of
your life in front of you.

Well, thank you.

Uh, you know,
just another little tip.

When you have meetings
with her lawyer,

always wear the same suit.

That way, they think
it's the only one you own.

They don't rape you so much
on the fucking alimony.

Oh, good, I'll--
I'll remember that,

but, Artie,
I-- I got a plan.

You see, I'm gonna
channel all the energy

that I put into that--
that marriage

into a little something called
"The Larry Sanders Show."

No more half-ass Kingsley.

From now on,
total focus.

Okay, what's on
the agenda for today?

Okay, you have the voice-over
for the Puppy Lunch spot.

Excellent.
What time?
2:30.

That is what Chinese man
say when he go to dentist.

He say, "Uh-oh, uh-oh,
my tooth hurty!"

(both laughing)

And what else?
That's all.

Really?

You know, we have
that list of fans

that we've been
meaning to call.

There you go.
Yeah.

There you go.

You know, I've been putting
that off for way too long--

that's very important,
isn't it?

Because, uh...

We have to take care
of the fans.

That's right.
And why?

Because we love them.
Because they pay the bills.

Right.
Right.
Okay, who's first?

Okay, Mr. Neil Callahan
from Denver, Colorado.

All right.
He's in the hospital,

and he says a call from you
would really cheer him up.

All right.

Well, let's do this.

Let us blow
Mr. Neil Callahan's mind.

Hey now!

Hank Kingsley calling
for Mr. Neil Callaham.

Callaham.

Okay... okay.

I understand.
Thank you.

We have to, uh...

we have to really keep
on top of these calls.

You want to keep going?

No. The first one

kind of took the wind
out of my sails.

(cheering and applause)

Uh, I do-- I have
to say good night.

I want to thank you, Mary.
Thank you, Sarah Jessica Parker.

Do I call you Sarah
or Sarah Jessica Parker?

Or Sarah Jessica?
Whatever you'd like, really.

Well, I'll call you Sal.
Okay.

And, Hank, good job, and we'll
see you all tomorrow night.

My guests are Kevin Kline,
comedian Jeff Cesario,

and teen math whiz,
Karen Flaherty.

Good night
and see you tomorrow.

(theme music plays)

Thank you.
That was just great.
Oh, thanks.

Watch out for Hank.

Thank you.
That was just great, Mary.

Watch out for Hank.

All right?
Sure.

Hank, good job
tonight. Good job.
Thank you.

Listen to that crowd.
Excellent.

Here's some pills for later.
Have a good time, all right?

Mm-hmm.
All right.

Uh, Sarah Jess?
Yeah?

Oh, I wanted to tell you
I just thought you were...

you were first-rate
on the show. Just great.

Oh, really?
You sure I did all right?

Are you kidding?

You know, we had
Patricia Arquette

on the show
the other night,
Mm-hmm.

you know, and she died
the death of a dog.

You know, I don't
want to be judgmental,

but, uh, well, the--
the kids in the business,

you know, the babies,
they just don't have the...

what is it? The savvy that
we old hands do, do they?

I have a boyfriend.

Yeah.
Um, do you play pool?

I... I have a boyfriend.
You know, I have a boyfriend.

Because I'm-- I'm headed over
to the Hollywood Athletic Club,

and uh, thought we could,
uh, shoot a few games.

You know, I got
my own cue and balls.

Really?
Mm.

Well, I have
my own cue also.

He's in New York,
and he's flying in tonight.
Hm.

And besides, Hank,
you're-- you're old enough

to be my father.

Ouch.

How old is your father?

Or was your father,
in which case I'm very sorry?

It's Matthew Broderick.
I-- I date Matthew Broderick.

Hey, hey, no pressure.
If tomorrow's better,

hey, I'm fly with that.

You're fly?

What? Is it down?

(both laughing)

Oh, hi, Paula.

Listen, um, could I speak
to Arthur, please?

And-- and do you think
that there's someone

who can walk me
to my car?

Oh, I got it.
I could walk her out.

There's no problem.
Thank you.

Mary.
Oh, Jesus!

You scared me.
I'm sorry.

You ain't seen
nothing yet, baby.

Oh, that's good to know.

Hey, they gave you
a little gift thing.

Yeah, a gift basket.

Can I-- can I talk to you
for just a second?

I just want you to know
that I feel that you and I,

you know, we just have
something in, uh, in common.

Oh, you hate being hit on
by desperate men, too?

Oh, sorry.

No, it's funny.
I-- I like it. I like it. Yeah.
I'm sorry.

No, you see, that's
what I like in a--

You got--
you got the...

I've got a car
waiting for me.

You know, why don't you
hit on Sarah Jessica Parker?

Well, maybe I will.

Good night.

Woman:
I don't know.

Remember they said
that you get time and a half

after, like, 50 hours,

but I can guarantee
you will never see it.

Uh-oh.

How's my favorite lady
on the stage doing?

I got a bottle of champagne
at home with your name on it.

And what name
would that be?

Brut.

Get real, Hank.

Oh, I like them
small and compact.

Have I ever mentioned that
to you before?

Then why don't you
go fuck a Toyota?

Wow,
and a sense of humor.

No one loves me.

No one really cares.

I do.

You do, don't you?

You're good.

And I'm not good.

You're good,

and, uh...

I, uh... I don't
appreciate it.

You do,
in your own way.

You do.
No, not really,
no, no.

Most of the time
I act like I just

don't give
a flaming shit.

That's you.

Hey.
Hey.

You're
a beautiful person.

Thank you.

You know, most of the time,
I keep my professional distance.

You know, admiring your--
your hair.

You have great hair.
Thanks.

Tight little body.

Your-- your breasts.

Hank. Hank!
Come on. Come on.

Right, right.

Like you never thought
about getting down with me.

Come on, give it a shot
and let's see what happens!

Hank, how could you?

Right. That's right.

There you go.

Aw, no, no, no, uh-uh.

I'm sorry, kiddo,
but you can't blame yourself.

Even though
you are irresistible,

this has nothing
to do with you.

It's part of the process
of divorce.

They serve you papers,

you hit on your secretary.

It's a tale
as old as time.

Right. It was
so scary, Arthur.

In a way, it was like
it wasn't really Hank talking.

Whoever's fault it was,
a divorce is very painful.

Next few weeks
won't be very pretty.

How do you know?
(laughing)

How do I know?
Experience.

Let me tell you
something.

After my first wife
gave me the gate,

I went on a binge
of sex, drugs,

and an 180-proof Everclear
that lasted for three years.

After my fourth divorce,

I-- I was able to squeeze
the same amount of debauchery

into a long weekend.

But I have a scar
from that one.

Poor Hank.

I've -- I've just never seen him

as a sex-and-drugs
kind of guy.

Well, it's one of the six stages
of healing after a divorce.

Shock, denial,

fear, booze,

boners, acceptance.

Hmm.

I'm worried
about him, though.

He was really a mess
when he left here.

Well, me, too.

Old Hank is
in a spiritual tailspin.

Well, I'm sure
he'll find someone

he'll be able
to talk to about it.

You know,
maybe a good friend

or perhaps even

a trusted member
of the clergy.

Well, how much
just to jack me off?

150 cash up front.

What do you mean,
up front?

That-- that's
a new policy, isn't it?

Easier that way.

You know,
when you go to a gas station,

they ask you to pay first,
so it's a-- a precedent,
you know.

Okay.

And it was
a really messy divorce.
Yeah?

'Cause there was
a child involved.

Um, him, and, uh...

Listen, I think
I should tell you,

I just have
a real need to...

here you go...
feel loved tonight.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, hey, hey. No.

No kissing.
I don't work that way.

Okay, let me just explain
something to you, okay?

My wife and I split,

so I just... I'm trying
to replace some of the,

uh... some of the intimacy
I had with her with you.

Here.

Anything you say,
mister.

And don't call me mister,
all right? Just...

Mm-hmm.

You have no idea
who I am, do you?

Thought for a minute
I had an idea.

Yeah.
Yeah.

There's this guy I used to meet
at a motel in Hermosa Beach.

Yeah.

Used to make cat noises
when I blew him.

Jeez.

You kind of
look like him.

Some people are
really fucked up.

So, you want
to do this?

Yep.

You're the boss.

Okay.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Wow.

Arrrrgh.

Rrrr.

Mmm. Woof!

I'm all right--
Aaiiee!

Arf, arf!

Hey, Hank,
what's new, buddy?

No! Well, look,

food poisoning,
that's nasty business.

I hope you're taking care
of both ends.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, don't worry about it.
I'll tell Larry.

Okay. Don't worry.
Okay. Bye.

Hank's not gonna
be in tonight.

Uh, listen, uh, Paula,

if you can't get Ray Combs
or Shadow Stevens,

I'll cover it.

Arthur, you're kidding.

Hank has never missed
a show, never.

Hank's not doing
the show?

How will we survive?
Will there be a tomorrow?

God in heaven, save us!

Man on TV:
As a matter of fact,
one of the most common things

people do is they get
sexually promiscuous.

After a divorce.

Well, in the end stages.

Because?
Now, why is that?

Well, because they're
feeling rejected

and they want to test
themselves in the world,

and-- and they're basically
insecure at heart, and--
Right.

And they're looking
for someone to love them

because they don't
love themselves enough

to get through it.

So any kind of sexual...

You know, you and I should
go out on a date sometime.

I mean, not like this.
Just a real date.

Just have... have fun.

I don't date
the guys I do.

Well, now listen,
we have a lot in common.

You know,
I'm in show business, so...

I'm-- I'm a little bit
of a whore, too.

You calling me a whore?

I'm not calling you
a whore. No, no.

I'm-- No, I'm just saying
that, you know,

you're different
from the other wh--

from the other girls,

and, uh, I just
think you're someone

I could have
a relationship with.

I think you're
someone special.

Yeah?
Mm-hmm.

And then after the sex,
they really don't feel okay,

so they just look for
another fix, don't they?

Well, after the sex,
they feel worse.

You know what's funny?
What?

You're not the first
sidekick I've been with.

One time, uh...

one time I did
this guy named,

uh, what's his name?

Andy Richter.

Get out.

Go on.

But-- but you paid
for the whole night.

Get out. Go on.
Take off.

Sheesh-- God,
you sidekicks are all alike.

I heard that.

Arthur, hello.
Um, Paul Wallum.

We met at the network
Christmas party.
Oh.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.
You're in charge of research.

You got a wife named Karen.
Children, uh, Michael, Lucy.

Dog, Ginger.

I am impressed.
I mean, you were pretty...

I don't know
how to say it.

Hammered. That would
pretty well cover it.

What can I do
for you, Paul?

Uh, what's going on
with Hank?

Hank has been
feeling ill,

so he's not gonna
take his place

on the couch
for a couple of days.

Baby, good to see you.
Bye-bye.

A friend of mine said
that he saw Mr. Kingsley

sitting in a hotel bar
with a prostitute.

Your friend is mistaken.

No, he assures me
he's not.

Hank is at home
taking care of himself

and preparing
to return to work.

All I'm saying

is that it-- it's not
good for the network

to have one of its stars
seen in public with a hooker.

So, what's your point?

Are you trying to imply
that I wouldn't know

of the whereabouts
of my sidekick?

Are you trying to suggest
that I am so incompetent

that I wouldn't know
if Hank Kingsley

was avoiding work
so he could fuck a whore?

Listen, your friend has
got a big mouth, mister.

He sees a bald man
with a hooker.

Automatically,
it's Hank Kingsley.

I wasn't aware
Carl Reiner's out of town.

Sid:
You're breaking my heart,
lover, you know that?

Oh, shut up, Sid.

You only care about me
because you're my agent.

I pay you 10%
to care about me.

7 1/2%,
you cheap bastard.

Hank, you lost soul,

so your marriage
has turned to shit.

I know what you're
going through,

but-- but this with the--

with the whores
and the booze--

You know what
I'm going through, hmm?

Yeah.

You've been married
to the same lady for 56 years.

I'm thinking
of getting out.
Please.

Hank, and don't be such
a putz with the hookers.

It's bad
for your reputation.

Hank, what you need is
a special woman.

I had a special woman.

And now I don't have
a special woman.

That is what I am doing
in this fucking hotel.

Hank, I don't mean--
I don't mean a wife.

I mean a hooker.

Somebody who's discreet,
can be trusted.

Somebody who doesn't
look like a hooker.

That would be
very special, indeed.

Now, could you hand me
the phone, Hank, please?

Yeah, I've known Sid
for just close to 40 years now.

I kid you not.

Sid is a good man.

I did him once.

In 1956.

It was only
the one time.

Now we're dear,
dear friends.

Mmm.

You were amazing
last night, Helen.

And I can honestly say that
you are the nicest young man

that Sid ever
introduced me to.

Gonna share that doobie,
sweetheart?

Yes, Hank.
Yes, Hank.

Yes, Hank. Of course, Hank.
Yes, I understand.

Well, listen, just keep in touch
with us so we know you're okay.

You bet, bubeleh.
Ha! Bye-bye.

Is he okay?

Darlene,
he's hit bottom

and broke through
to another bottom

I know nothing about.

Got to roll.

Mr. Kingsley.

(mumbles)

Mrs. Kingsley.

I'll just set this up here
and be out of your way.

Hope you're enjoying
your stay, sir.

Yeah, yeah.

Great show last night.

You were really funny,
as always.

Hold on. What's your--
what's your name?

Raoul.

Raoul. Raoul, I wasn't
on the show last night.

I watched it.
Are you sure you weren't on?

You got a second?

Come here, let me
show you something.

Now don't be afraid.
Just watch. Okay, watch.

Well, that--
Mrs-- Mrs. Segal and myself.
And has she...

I'm not there.

Why is that,
do you suppose?

Well, I-- I'm here.

I-- I've been here all week,

but, no,
you watched the show,

and you don't even notice
that I'm not there!

And that is the effect,

apparently,
that I'm having

on the American
fucking viewing public!

I have to go.

Yeah, you go.

You get out.

You come back in here,

I'll kill you,
you little prick.
Oh--

(knocking on door)

Raoul.

You little... prick.

Arthur!

Helen,
is that you?

Ha ha ha! Arthur!

Ohh...
(chuckles)

It's so good
to see you again.

Hey, how's Stan
and the kids?

Oh, well, John is married.
Yeah, he works for IBM.

And beautiful Joanne?

Beautiful Joanne is
in New York

doing God knows what.

But Stan, Stan had
a bypass operation.

Oh.
Yeah, so money's
been a little tight.

That's why I'm back
on my back.

Well, you call me.
We'll talk.

I will. Listen,
take care of the boy

'cause he is a good boy.

I gotta run now.

It was so,
so nice meeting you.

You're really sweet.

Bye!

You were with her?

Many years ago.

Artie, what-- (sobs)
am I doing here?

What did I do with my life?
Who am I?

You're Hank Kingsley.
You're the best goddamn

sidekick
in the business,

and that includes
the great Al Gore.

Don't you fucking
forget that.

That's bullshit.
It's just all bullshit.
Oh, let's drink to bullshit.

I'm not a sidekick.
This guy comes in here,

and he tells me he's been
watching the show all week.

I haven't been on all week.
What's the point?

What guy are you
talking about?

I'm talk--
talking about Raoul.

Raoul Julia was here?

Raoul the waiter.

Oh, man, you're going paranoid.
Listen to the way you talk.

I can't go on.
I want off.

I wanna end this!

Well, I thought
I'd be hearing that.

Whoa, whoa, Jesus Christ,
is that thing loaded?

Oh, you bet
it's loaded.

This is a Beretta
9mm Centurion.

You just pick that baby up.
It'll do the job for you.

It'll be painless, quick.

Just put it to your head,
pull the trigger.

That's all you have to do.

Listen, I'm gonna give
housekeeping 20 bucks.

I mean, you won't feel
a fucking thing,

but they're the ones that
are gonna have to suffer.

They're gonna have
to clean up this mess,

so just go on,
hurry up!

Pick it up!

Put your hand on it!

Come on!

Don't drag
this thing out!

(sobbing)

Aw, sweetheart.

Hey, you don't wanna
kill yourself.

If you did, you would've
done it before now.

You know what
you're gonna do now?

I'm gonna tell you
what you're gonna do.

You're gonna come back
to work, and I want-- No!

You're gonna forget about
this goddamn divorce.

'Cause, listen,
in a couple of years,

you'll be married again,

maybe to a strawberry
blonde this time.

(laughing)

Within a year,
you'll get divorced again,

and you'll wind up in this
very hotel, maybe with Helen.

(laughs)

C'est la vie.

Hey, buddy.

You're a good man.
You're a good man.

I don't deserve
a-- a friend like you.

Yes, you do.

But we're gonna clean you up,
get your ass out of here.

You're getting
a little gamey, sweetie.

That's a real gun, huh?

What do you think
these fucking notches are?

Oh... give the gun,
just for a second.

I just want to--
I want to scare
this little shit.

Hey, get that shower, Hank!

So everything's fine now?
Everybody's happy--

Oh, absolutely.
Right on track.

Happy, they don't-- No one
cares about me or my problems.

My fucking life is
just a big piece of shit.

Well--
Yeah, who am I?

What the hell have
I done with my life?

I swear to god.

No one cares
because I'm the boss.

The boss has
no problems.

Sometimes,
I swear to god,

I should-- I should--

I-- I feel like I should
just end it all.

You can always
blow your head off.

Safety's off.

Ready to go.

The divorce gun.

Gosh, this brings
back memories.

(chuckles)

How close did Hank come
to shooting himself?

Oh, that fucking baby,
he started crying

the second
I pulled it out.

(laughing)

(theme music plays)