All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S03E14_English

Hank:
I-- I'm kidding.

It says "applause."

Ray, do me a favor,
could you flick that once?

(audience applauding)
All right.

Now, remember, you're all--

you're all a big part
of the show.

So the better you are,
the better Larry is.

Okay, now you see
this gentleman?

He's giving me this--
this sign and it says,

"We're on in 10 seconds so get
ready to have a good time."

All right, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man:
In... five, four,
three, two...

(theme music begins)

Hank:
Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join Larry
and his guests John Ritter,

Debbie Allen, musical guest
Bonnie Raitt and me,

"Hey Now" Hank Kingsley!

And now, because he's wearing
a new pair of pants

he can't
wait to show off,

Larry... Sanders!

(cheering, applause)

Thank you.

Thank you, that is really
very kind, very kind.

You're so much better
than last night's crowd.

A new study shows that people
in their 80s and 90s

can actually benefit
enormously from lifting weights

three times a week.

This will come as very good news
to my grandmother

who needs a spotter
to pick up a spoon.

A bear-- a bay--
a bay area man...

Listen, when you
live in the bay area,

it's not easy to say
"bay area man."

(whooping and applause)

...has been charged
with biting an exotic dancer

on her left buttock.

The intoxicated man later
tried to convince police

he was one of those new,
crazy, flesh-eating viruses.

(cheering and applause)

A new NBC Wall Street
Journal poll

says that most people
believe Hillary Clinton

has too much power.

When asked to comment on this,
a White House aide said,

"Please go away.

If she finds out I talked
to you, she'll hurt me."

(whooping and applause)

When Hillary Clinton
was 27 years old,

she tried to join
the Marines, and the recruiter

actually told her,
"You know, you're too old,

you can't see,
and you're a woman,"

which, by coincidence,
is exactly the same excuse

Bill Clinton used
to get out.

Okay, we'll be right back
with John Ritter and others.
We have a great show.

No flipping.
We'll be right back.

(cheering, applause)

I get a call from
the network, they say,

"Here's our new schedule.

"One of the shows
on our new schedule

"is a show called
'The Six of Us'"--

this is on
my network.

It's about a father
and his five wacky kids.

It's about a father
and four kids--

it doesn't even add up to six,
and yet it's called--

It's six of them.
..."The Six of Us."

They can't afford-- they're too
cheap to hire the sixth guy.

I said it
adds up to five.

There was a silence
on the phone,

they said, "Well,
hopefully people watch

every week to wonder
who the other one is."

Maybe the second season
they'll pick up the other guy.

Idiots.

Hello, Artie here.

Yes.

Who?

Oh, yes.

No, I can't meet
with you right now,

I'm right in the middle
of the show.

Oh, you are, yeah.

Well, if it's
a problem,

I'll meet you right here at
my monitor, right on the floor,

15 minutes after
we're off-air.

What's your name again?

Oh, I'm looking
forward to meeting you.

Yes, thank you.

I actually believe
that you could replace

all of our network
executives with chimps,

and other than the hygiene
factor going up,

why, no one would
know the difference.

Why do you always come through
the curtain with such gusto?

We're home free--
school's out, baby!

Good show?

Nothing to talk about,
nothing to critique.

Great show,
great guests tomorrow.

You go home, have a glass
of wine, whack off.

I'll see you tomorrow.

That's the post-show critique?
Yeah.

You're the best.

Hi.

Daniel Palmer,
from the network?

No, I'm Dr. Donaldson,
I give the vitamin B shots.

Dr. Don!

I didn't recognize
you with my pants on.

Ha-ha!

Daniel Palmer?

Arthur.

Can I help you, son?

I'm Daniel Palmer.

Oh, really?

I was expecting
something different.

Arthur...

the network feels it's
treated Larry quite well,

and, uh, I guess
that's why we're confused

about some of the remarks
he made tonight.

What exactly is
your function?

I'm Network Liaison
for Late Night Programming.

I was expecting
Melanie or Dennis.

No, no, this isn't
a big enough issue

for either Melanie or
Dennis to get involved.

I'm... simply here to express
the network's concern.

Hank, what are
you doing?

I-- I can't
find my keys.

Oh?

(keys jangling)

Here you are.
Oh, thanks.

Uh, listen, I know you're
in the middle of a pow-wow,

but I just
got to tell you,

I'm a little steamed about
what happened tonight.

Hank, I've warned you,
if you stand up too fast,

you'll get hit
in the head by the boom.

No, no, not that.

I was told that I was gonna be
in that sketch with Larry

and, uh, John Ritter and--

Let's talk about it
in the morning.

Hank, this is Daniel Palmer,
from the network.

Hey, Danny.

Can I ask you
a question?

Are you in any way
connected to the upcoming

"Circus of the Stars" special
that the network is doing?

No.

You're not.
No.

That's very good.

All right, well,
nice to meet you, Don.

You'll have to
excuse Hank.

His heart's
in the right place,

but he keeps his brain
in a box at home.

Hello, gentlemen!

The sun is shining,
the grass is green.

All's well
in Hollywood.

Unless you're working
with Shannen Doherty.

Delightful, Phil,
delightful!

Uh, Hank told me you
were talking to someone

from the network
last night.

No problem at all.
Mm-hmm?

Young boy came from
the 14th floor,

we chatted about
this and that.

I gave him some candy
and a balloon

and sent him on
his merry way.

He complained about
the John Ritter segment,
didn't he?

He certainly did not.

Was it about the
John Ritter segment?

Yes, but it was
mentioned only in passing.

Uh-huh.
Does it have Tetris?

Yeah, that's what
I'm doing right now.

Hey, come on.
What?

Addictive, isn't it?

Yes, it is
very addictive.

What did the guy say?

Come on.

He gave the speech,
"We're all family,"

you know,
the usual shit.

Such idiots,
"We're a family."

You know, maybe we should do
a joke about that tonight.

Will you run along,
will you, Phil?

I have some booking
matters to discuss.

You know, that's
a good idea, Phil.

Let's do a desk piece
or something, huh?

Phil: Or maybe we could
say that you've

discovered the network family
tree and you pull out this dead,

little bush or something.

Yeah, something funny.

We are back.

(applause)

And, uh, hope you folks
at home had a good time

during the commercial.

We, of course,
used the time to exercise.

We have a great show.
We have Marisa Tomei,

and, uh, Peter Falk
will be out here later.

Hank:
Detective Columbo.

That is correct.

Boy, do I love
the circus.

Sorry?

No, I was just thinking

I-I-I-I used to love
the ringmaster

and how he would call out
in a loud, booming voice,

"Boys and girls,
children of all ages."

I believe that's
the same message

on Michael Jackson's
answering machine.

All right,
are you okay now?

Fine.
Good, good.

Well, let's move on.

As some of you may know,
last night, uh,

we made a few comments
here on the show

about some of the, uh, things
going on at the network,

and I upset a few
of our network cohorts.

And in keeping with
our open door policy

here on
"The Larry Sanders Show,"

we have decided
to ask a member

of our network family on tonight
to discuss the problem.

So, please give a warm welcome
to our Network Liaison

for Late Night Programming,
Danny Palmer.

(cheering and applause)

There you go.

Not always easy for the
network to find the chair.

Thanks for being here.

Thanks for asking me.

And, uh, tell us
what you did--

what you did,
uh, before--

how long have you been with
the network, actually?

Since '87.
Since '87.

And what did you
do before that?

Well, I was in
nursery school.

And before that?

I was Vice President in charge
of comedy development at NBC.

By any chance, uh,
have you seen the new show,

"The Six of Us"?

Um, only the episodes
I wrote.

Oh, so you
write as well?

(conversation continues)

Hello, it's Artie.

Oh, yes, I know.

Yes, I know, we're in
the middle of the show.

Can we discuss it later?

Because Marisa Tomei is
coming up and she's so lovely.

Ha, yes, I know,
mmm... yeah.

Okay.

Let's talk about it
after the show.

All right, thank you.
I'll call you.

So, what does the network's
fall lineup look like?

Well, I only know
what's on until 8:30

because that's
my bedtime.

Right, anyone at the network
stay up past 8:30?

Don't you find this
a little, uh,

coincidental that
today is the day

you decide to push our start
time back to 11:35 every night?

We've been thinking about
this for a long time.

Horseshit!

It gives us five more minutes
to sell local advertising.

It's tit for tat,
why don't you admit it?

No offense, Melanie.

That's a delightful
hair bob,

is that what you
call the style?

Arthur.
Huh?

We're a family,
and like a family we--

Don't give me
the "family" crap.

Manson had a family.

Melanie:
All right, Arthur.

Arthur, the network isn't happy
about last night.

Now, look--
(chuckling)

This isn't coming from
either Melanie or myself.

We love Larry, we are
big fans of the show.

But the network would
like an apology.

Fine, I'll write it up,

have it upstairs by
the end of the day.

No, an apology
from Larry.

Fine, I'll write it up,

have it upstairs by
the end of the day.

On the air.

The network would like
an on-air apology.

And they shall get it.

We're a family.

I see no reason why
we can't accommodate

the network's wishes.

Thank you, Arthur.

Oh, I love you both.

Mwah!
I'm a huge fan of your work.

Arthur:
Good morning, my boy.

Morning.

Hey, uh, what did
they say?

What did who say?

What did the, uh, network
say about last night?

Standard stuff--
promos, ad revenues--
highly technical.

What did they do, threaten
to move us back to 11:35?

Ah, no, the network
respects you too much

to play that
kind of game.

I see, so they had nothing
to say about last night?

Not a thing.

Not a thing.

Well, now that I think
about it, uh,

there was something that
was said in passing,

there's the remote
possibility

the network
might want an apology.

An apology.

Like I'm supposed to
apologize to those bastards

after they made me go on
national television

and say I had
a drug problem?

Pricks!

Prick bastards!
That too.

Hold it, hold it.
Yeah.

Hold it.

Maybe we should
apologize.

Might be the best
thing to do.

Right.

We can make it really funny,
maybe do it on the air,

bring that
little kid back.

Oh, he's not available.

How do you
know that?

Well, I think I heard him say
he had homework tonight.

Jesus, Artie, why don't
you just say it?

Say what?

Say that you're, uh, afraid of
making waves at the network.

(chuckling)

My dear sonny boy,
I've been making waves

since the midwife tugged me
out of my mother's underside.

We'll just go out there tonight
and make a big apology.

We'll lay it
at their feet,

and when they bend over
to pick it up,

we'll kick 'em
in the ass.

Good, good.

Then let's get the kid.

I'll have Paula
check on it.

Unless you think he's doing
his homework-- is he?

Who the fuck do you
think I am, Mr. Chips?

Okay, sorry.
Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta, Mr. Chips.

Now, uh...

Those of you who have been
watching the show every night

know that we've been kidding
the network quite a lot lately.

In fact, it's turned into
a rather bitter feud.

And I have decided
to be the one

big enough
to bury the hatchet.

So, let's go live
to the 14th floor

where our goodwill ambassador
is waiting to present

our peace offering
to the network.

Uh, Hank,
can you hear me?

Uh, yes, Larry, I'm standing
in the waiting room,

or the lobby, if you prefer,
of the network offices

where I hope momentarily
to present this, uh,

lovely bouquet and this
Lipton Cup of Soup

to a network
representative.

All right, now, Hank, is that
an assortment of Cup of Soup

or is that
just one kind?

Uh, Larry,
it's an assortment,

which, I think, clearly proves
we've come in peace.

Of course.

All right.
Well said.

So, we're gonna
step right over here.

If only the Arabs and Israelis
would give Cup of Soup.

...right over here and say hello
to this lovely young lady.

Hello.
Hello.

I am Hank Kingsley, as if you
didn't know, and um...

I've come to apologize
to the network.

Who at the network?

Well, uh...

anyone at the network.

Right.

Well, unless you give me a name
or an extension number--

No, I think I hear
someone upstairs...

Blow by her.
...so...

They're in a meeting.

I understand, but I think

they wouldn't
mind being interrupted...

Yeah, blow by her, Hank.
...by a presentation

of this lovely bouquet
and this...

There you go.
...assortment of Cup of Soup.

Sir, you cannot
go in there!

You wanna watch...
All right.

the cable?
Oh!

Okay, I'm fine,
I'm fine.

Uh, you know...
Hank, Hank?

...I'm fine,
I think I, uh...

Hank?
Did his earpiece fall out?

I think I broke it.

Don't-- please don't
touch my ankle!

Please don't touch
my ankle.

Hank, can you hear me?

Oh, Jesus.

Hank?

All right, let's cut,
let's come back

because evidently
his earpiece broke.
Cut it.

All right, his earpiece
has fallen out.

We'll, we'll apologize to the
network another-- another time.

Well, call me
at home.

Hey, uh...
Shit.

You okay?

(sighing deeply)

Good, good, who was
that on the phone?

My dentist.

I get a bad tooth,
he goes to Maui.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Listen, uh, can we get

some photo blow-ups
of the network guys?

I have a really good idea
for tomorrow night's show.
I bet it's a cute idea.

Yeah, it is,
it is, yeah.

But, you know, those photo
blow-ups are very expensive.

Why don't you, uh,
just say it, Artie?

What?
That your dentist

who's going to Maui didn't like
the sketch we did tonight.

They weren't upset, Larry.
Uh-huh.

And if they were, I'll deal
with it in a timely manner.
Trust me.

(Artie screaming)
I don't need a bunch of
butt-licking,

pencil-pushing pissants
pissing my day away

to get the hell upstairs
before I introduce

the point of my boot
to your collective asses! Get!

Paula, would you
do me a favor?

Tell Beverly to tell Larry
to meet me in my office

at 12:30 for lunch.
You bet.

Oh, ice cream,
hmm, chocolate.

Get off my ass,
I'm hungry.

Easy, easy.
Oh... Hank.

How's it going?

How's it going?
How's it going?

Hope you're happy--
thanks to you I lost it.

Oh, well, good looking
prosthetic.

Not the foot--
the "Circus of the Stars."

I was this close to being
the ringmaster,

and then you forced me
to do that idiotic sketch.

And the network casting people
called my agent this morning

and said they're going
with Gavin MacLeod.

Gavin MacLeod.

I heard he's
found the Lord.

Oh, who hasn't?

If I was 10 years on that boat,
I'd find the Lord too.

(mocking)
Gavin MacLeod--

Gavin MacLeod doesn't know one
fucking ring from another.

No, no.
Yeah, well, anyway, get this.

Then they call me and...

they ask me if
I would be willing--

I would be willing to be
shot out of a cannon

by Barbara Eden!

Jeannie?
Jeannie!

I hope you
turned them down.

Of course I plan to.

But just in case, are we on
hiatus the week of the 23rd?

I don't know.
No?

Listen, I have to have lunch
with Artie right now.

I'm just on my way
Oh, by all means.

By all means,
go have your lunch

with big,
important Artie!

Just take a look,
Larry.

This is what happens when you
screw around with a network--

innocent victims get
caught in the crossfire.

Did they give you
any painkillers?

Yes, but I checked
with Beverly.

You already have
the ones they gave me.

I am so tired.

Jesus!

Are we going out or is
someone bringing lunch in?

I already had my...

(clearing throat)
...lunch.

I had a ham and bourbon
"sammich."

What are you doing?

Larry, God damn you,
you've been

biting the hand
that feeds ya,

and the hand is gonna
come right up and smack you

right upside the head.

Is this the ham
talking?

Oh, sit down,
God damn it, sit down!

You listen to me.

You cut out this-- you're gonna
cut out this network shit,

and if they want to have
an apology from you,

God damn it, just go
ahead and do it!

I'm not making
an apology.

All right.

That's fine.

But don't come whining
to me when they start

making these
budget cuts.

Oh, they're not
gonna do that!

Over a few
little jokes?

You think so, eh?

Yeah.

Yeah, well,
gander at this one.

Kristoff will no longer be
cutting your hair, sonny.

It will be Ernie,

the guy that does the guys
in the news department.

Little guy with
the palsy, right?

That's right.

I hope you like it
short and uneven.

Well, I'm certainly not gonna
apologize under some threat.

What are they gonna do, fire me?
No.

Is that what they're gonna do?
No.

I'm to go-- they're
gonna fire me, see,

they say that
I can't handle you,

so they're gonna
bring in their own man,

and he's gonna stand
right next to that monitor,

glaring at you with his ear
wired to the 14th floor.

Before we get any further
into tonight's show,

I would like to
say that...

We've been doing some joking
about the network

the last couple of weeks,
and that is my responsibility.

I take full
responsibility for it,

and if I so overstepped
my boundaries

and insulted the network
in any way, I apologize.

And I would like to be a member
of the network family again.

(chuckling)

Yes, Melanie.

It was a magnificent
apology, it was.

Wonderful.

Yes, I'll tell him
what you said.

...a joke and was our little way
of apologizing at that time.

Yeah, well...

I mean, I was having
a good time...

Right.
...and I thought the spirit

of the event was
joking and was fun...

Right.
...until that, uh,

that lady pushed me
down at the network.

No, that network lady
was a nice lady,

and she tripped
over a cord.

Well, that nice lady
is gonna be tripping over

a little thing called
a subpoena...

I got to...
(Hank mumbling)

Well, I tell you--
'Cause, you see, these people,
if you don't my--

they just think they
can push us all around...

I see.
...because, oh,
they're the network.

The network people.
Idiots.

Yes, Melanie.

(theme music playing)