All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S03E13_English

Hank:
I-- I'm kidding.

It says "applause."

Ray, do me a favor,
could you flick that once?

(audience applauding)
All right.

Now, remember, you're all--

you're all a big part
of the show.

So the better you are,
the better Larry is.

Okay, now you see
this gentleman?

He's giving me this--
this sign and it says,

"We're on in 10 seconds, so get
ready to have a good time."

All right, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man:
In... five, four,
three, two...

(theme music begins)

Hank:
Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join Larry
and his guests Jason Patric,

Martin Landau, Mariah Carey,
and me, "Hey Now" Hank Kingsley.

And now, because you can't spell
"hilarious" without "Lar,"

Larry Sanders!

(cheering and applause)

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

We have a, uh...

(cheering, applause continues)

All right.

Come on.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

Hey, hey!

Let me say this to you.

I thought it was hot
outside.

(cheering and applause)

I just bought that line
from Wayne Newton.

I got that and I got,
"Screw the casino.

We're going all night."

And I got, "Okay."

Hank, how do you feel
about that, uh, Haiti situation?

Haiti?
Uh, where's that?

That is right next
to the Dominican Republic.

Oh, right, right.

That's a--
that's a great shop, yeah.

I...

(laughter and applause)

I, uh, bought
a, uh, safari jacket there.

Yeah, you--

I believe you're thinking
of the Banana Republic.

Oh, right, that's right.

That is it.
Right, yeah.

You know, if Hank was
Secretary of Defense,

we'd be invading
the Beverly Center right now.

Just a reminder,
our seventh anniversary special

will be telecast tomorrow night,
11:35 p.m.

Seven years.

See you tomorrow and see you
in just a minute.

We'll be right back.

We'll be right back,
no flipping.

Can I-- can I have your ear
for just one second?

Yeah, sure.

Tonight--

(coughs)
Shit. Wardrobe?

Hold still, hold still,
I got it.

Wardrobe?
I got it, I got it.

Here we go.
This is not gonna come out.

Yeah, here we go.

Well, it's quite a week
for us, huh?

Not only the seventh
anniversary show,

but my first anniversary
with Margaret.

You're choking me.

Yeah, well, I know--
I think we're both

a little more sentimental
than we like to let on.

I meant the tie.

Yup.

A whole year,
the big one.

You didn't think Margaret and I
would last a year, did you?

Be honest.
Not true, not true.

I remember what you said.

"Hank, it won't last
a year."

(chuckling)
Well, that sounds like me.

And to mark the occasion,
I want to invite you

to have dinner
with Margaret and myself

tonight to celebrate.

Oh, you know, that's
something I would think

you'd wanna celebrate,
you know, alone.

No, nonsense.

This is how I've always
dreamt of it.

Hank, Larry, the wife.

Hank:
Margaret was just telling me
about this dog

that-- what, it swims?
Are you kidding me?

Uh, what is it?

I have no idea.

A golden retriever.

I mean, they swim.
Unless you mean a Pekingese.

But they don't swim.

I think they just sink like
a bowling ball, don't they?

(laughing)

(whispering)

Oh, come on!
Uh, excuse me.

Apparently, we're having
our nightly grease fire

in the kitchen.

Do you need--
No.

I'm taking that Cajun shit
right off the menu.

I'm sorry.
Be right back.

No.

I do not know how much more
of this I can take.

Well, we can talk about
current events or sports or--

No, no, no, I mean Hank.

Hank and me and...

the whole situation.

Yeah.

Well... I understand.

Do you?

No.
I don't.

You know what the problem is.
Mm-hmm.

No... I don't.
(chuckles)

Something's got to change.

And if it doesn't change,
well, then I'm just gonna

have to make it change.

I'm sorry.

Fucking workmen's comp.

You know, it's like
living in a police state.

Uh, don't let me interrupt
you two chatter bugs.

Continue.
Come on.

(audience laughing)

Larry:
Mmm...

Please let's not show the chimp
attacking my balls again.

I mean, come on.

The people love that.

No, you're projecting.

It's out, Phil.

Larry: Thank you.
Yes, sir.

Let me go
to the parrot clip.

The parrot, uh,
attacking my balls.

Yes.
Pass.

(sighing)
It's a great one.

The parrot clip is
our Ed Ames tomahawk clip.

I believe the pie eating is
our Ed Ames tomahawk clip.

Absolutely.

The pie-eating scene,
it has no precursor

in talk show history.

You have the clip of, uh, Hank
getting married on the show

with Margaret
last-- last year?

Let's take a look at that.
No, no, no...

Come on, it's a great one.
People wanna see that.

I think it's-- it's probably
a lot sweeter than you remember.

Let's take a look at it.

Hank on TV:
Margaret...

I thought I knew...

Sorry.

(scattered laughter on TV)

I thought
I knew sunshine,

but I...

I thought I...

"Margaret...

(laughter)

Larry on TV:
I thought I knew sunshine,

Shit.
but I knew only shade."

(laughter on TV)

So join us
for "The Larry Sanders Show:

Seventh Anniversary Special."

You never know
what might happen...

but it'll probably involve
my nuts.

Perfection incarnate.

Hank:
Sorry I'm late.

Well, I just-- all right,
well, go to the next one--

You guys have a lot
of "yuk-em-ups" in there, huh?

You have some good laughs?

Hey, you watch those clips
20, 30 times,

you get punchy,
that's all.

Yeah, my marriage is one big
joke to you, isn't it?

That is not the case.
We just were--

Artie:
Oh, come here, Hank.

Come on, sweetheart.

Listen, I know
you're going through

a tough time now,
you know.

Believe me,
I've been there.

Well, I'm not there.

I don't need-- I don't know
where there is.

Of course not.

But you can't work through
this thing yourself.

Here.

Come on, we don't need
a therapist.

It's not a therapist,
darling.

It's my divorce lawyer.

He's done
a lot bulk work for me.

He'll give you a cut rate.
He owes me.

All right, thank you.

Well, congratulations, you've
poisoned Artie's mind, too.

Hey, hey.
Well, I don't--

You're really a piece of work,
aren't you?

You know, can I tell you
a little something?

Yeah, I'd-- I'd just like
to do this, okay?

Margaret is really unhappy.

Are you aware of that
at all?

All right, you ready?
I see.

So you're just living
in denial, is that it?

Let's just do the work.
And that--

Larry, here.

Oh, Hank, Margaret's here
to see you.

She's waiting
in your office.

The fact that you had no idea
that there was a problem

is the problem.

Now, um...

Oh, stop it.

All right, I admit.

I-- we-- there's
a small problem.

I've already told you, a man's
sexual peak is at-- is 18.

You know,
scientists have proven this.

But, hey, I think
I hang in there pretty good

for a 38-year-old guy,
you know?

Hank, that is not
the problem.

I know it isn't!

And besides,
you are 48.

Oh.

Okay.

Whoa.

I think we better just take
a two-minute warning here.

What, what's a two-minute
warning?

A two-minute warning is
when either party

just separates
for two minutes

before either one says
or does something

that they're just gonna
regret later, okay?

Two minutes.

Hmm, and which one of your bimbo
ex-girlfriends taught you that?

Are you fucking my wife?

What?

Just answer the question.

You're fucking Margaret,
aren't you?

No, I'm fucking Larry.

Maybe we need to take one of
our two-minute warnings here.

How else would you know
about our marital problems?

How else would you know?

She told me last night
at dinner.

Oh.

Jesus!

You know, I am--
I'm not a fool, you know that.

'Cause things have not been
great in that house

for-- for months.

She's been distant.

Distant.

Cold.

Mm-hmm.

See, at first, I...
I just chalked it up

to female problems.

Mm-hmm.

Is she having trouble
with her-- the, uh--

No.
No, no, not that, no.

I mean, on the other hand,
how would I know?

I haven't been
down there in months.

She could've grown a dick
over the summer.

I wouldn't have a clue.
Uh-huh.

What am I gonna do?

I mean, honest to God,
I don't even know what she--

what she's upset about.

Well, have you, uh,
have you asked her?

Hmm?
Have you asked her?

No.
Well, you know, I would try
to find out what's wrong

and, uh, see if there's anything
you can do to make it better.

I hear that kind
of thing works.

Okay.
Okay?

You're right,
you're absolutely right.

Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna talk to her.

Good.
Thank you.

Okay.
Listen, uh, by any chance,

do you have any
of those, uh, pills?

Because I-- I just need
a little--

I need a little something
to take the edge off.

Well, you know what,
I-- I flushed those

all down the toilet,
I feel awful.

Yeah.
But, you know,
those really fuck you up.

Yeah, I know,
I-- I hear that, you know.
Sure.

Thanks for--
thanks for the talk.

You got it.

I really, really apologize.

Hey... apology accepted.

Yes, yes,
we're in show business

but I know in my heart of hearts
you would never fuck my wife.

Not without your go-ahead.

Exactly.

The problem is between you
and me and Larry.

Larry?
Admit it,

your entire life revolves
around Larry.
(chuckles)

Your mood depends
on what Larry said

or what Larry did.

I think this is that--
that crazy therapist's--

No, if Larry was mean to you,
then you're miserable.

But if Larry was nice,

then you're the happiest man
on Earth.

Every single night
you're up or down, up or down,

and I have nothing to do
with it.

Mmm.
I-- I just gotta tell ya,

I think this is
an unfair accusation.

Larry:
Where's my script binder?

Remember when you forgot
my birthday?

Have you ever forgotten
Larry's birthday?

Well, now there's a--
there's a reason for that,

because Larry's birthday is
just easy to remember.

It's December 19th.

It just rolls right out,
you know,

whereas your birthday--

Something has to change.

Larry:
Where's my goddamn
script binder?

I got it!
I got it, I'm coming!

Hank, where are you going?

This is his binder!

You should've
married Larry.

Oh, don't do this.
Good-bye.

Don't do this.

Ah, there it is.

You know, if you're looking
for a place to live

when she gets the house,

it's no problem,
buddy.

Here's a brochure
for the Oakwood Apartments.

It's fully furnished,
uh, dishes in the kitchen,

uh, two pools,
whole nine yards,

and the complex is just loaded
with fellow divorce victims.

So whenever you get the urge
to piss all over your ex,

everybody joins in.

You'll have
a ball.

Artie:
Here it is!

Hey, last chance.

For the car joke?
No.

Come on.
Uh-uh.

Come on,
it's an anniversary show.

You gotta open
with a really strong joke

that people are gonna
talk about.

How does it go again?

Okay, um,
the new '95 cars out.

Lots of interesting features.

For instance, in the new
Ford Bronco comes equipped--

No, no.
Standard.

No.

The wedding clip is
still in, right?

It's still in,

but there's still time
if you wanna take it out.

No, I think
they should, uh, see it.

Maybe it'll help them
somehow.

Leave it in.
In it is.

Good.

(audience laughing on TV)

She's a female,
all right.

She's a female.

Now, she would normally go...

Man on TV:
♪ We're poor little sheep
who have gone astray ♪

♪ Baa, baa, baa ♪

♪ Little black sheep
who have gone away ♪

♪ Baa, baa, baa ♪

(cheering and applause)

Hank, from the moment
I met you,

I knew you were the one.

Never before had a man
communicated so much to me

with so few words
the way you did.

In you, I have found
my soul mate.

I love you.

Audience:
Aww...

Hank?

I know pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

(cheering, applause)

Lots of fun.
Lots of fun, lots of clips.

A lot of good memories and, uh,
maybe we should--

Hank:
Really takes you back.

Yeah, it does.
I mean, the, uh...

Anniversaries.

Emotional times.

Okay, we'll take a break.

We'll be right back

with more of the
"Seventh Anniversary Special."

No flipping.

(music, cheering and applause)
No flipping.

Hey, buddy.

Buck up, don't let her
see you like this.

Oh, she doesn't even
watch the show anymore.

Fucking bitch.

Larry:
Artie, maybe she is watching.

Please.

And if she does,
maybe you should tell her

how you really feel,
it'll patch things up.

God, you guys...

you really care,
don't you?

Five seconds.

Man:
Four, three, two...

We're back, here we go.
(cheering and applause)

Good, we have a lot of clips.

We're back with more of
the "Seventh Anniversary Show."

Hank, before we go on,

is there anything
you'd like to say?

Uh... love.
Yeah.

That-- that's--
that's what it's all about

when all is said and done.

Just love.
Mm-hmm.

That's all I have
to say.

Well, I-- one--
one more thing.

There's a person
who's come into my life

who's really changed me

and, uh, that person has
taught me about compassion

and that person has taught me
about caring.

And that person...

is Mr. Larry Sanders.

Give him
a big hand.

(cheering and applause)

(Hank laughing)

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

(clears throat)

Well, how about
your, uh, wife?

Oh, well, you know, we had
a good year, but that's over.

(rock music playing)

Hank seems
in good spirits.

Who's he dancing with?

Himself!
Oh.

Everyone's a little
loose tonight.

I mixed the punch meself.

Oh, come on, you guys.

Come on, get up.
Shake it a little.

Somebody get a cage!

We got a party animal
loose here!

You know, buddy...

I'm sorry you
and the missus are kaput.

But you'll live through it
like I did.

Bitter.

You're pissed.

Angry.

But alive, goddamn it.

Alive!
Whoo!

Shit, that punch
is strong.

(snaps finger)

Got good people
working here.

You're not an original member
of The O'Jays,

are you by any chance?
(chuckling)

I got to admit, you're taking
this really well.

Well, you know, Larry,

there's a deep place
inside us all.

A very deep place.

The trick is, got to know
how to get there.

And that place is?

Your desk,
top right-hand drawer.

Yellow pills.

Take a few of those,
a shot of bourbon...

you'll go immediately
to this place.

(pills rattle)

(coughing)

♪ ♪

(theme music playing)