All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S02E09_English

Larry:
And what is the difference
between--

this is an-- this is
an ape, am I correct?

Woman:
This is an ape,
as opposed to a monkey,

and great apes are
gorillas, orangs, chimps

and, uh, very
intelligent animals...

Uh-huh.
...very highly
developed,

our closest relatives.

What about monkeys?

Is there-- what's
the difference there?

Monkeys are, are not as high
on the developmental scale.

Many of them have tails,
which she does not.

Um, a little bit
different body shape.

Right, and--

She has very
human-like hands.

And it sounds like most
of those become sidekicks,

announcers,
that kind of thing.

(laughter)

They're almost intelligent
enough to do that.

Well, listen,
I understand that, uh,

Jesse, uh, can actually
throw and catch a baseball.

Is that right?
Yeah, she's very good
at it, so--

Well, I've brought
my glove,

and I thought
we'd give that a try.

All right. Joel, can you come
over and give me a hand?

Come on, Jess.
Come here. Come on.

I'll step off over here.
Let me take my jacket off.

Yeah.
All right?

And, uh, is Joel
going to...

uh, this is Joel.
This is Joel.

And, Joel, are you an ape
or a monkey?

(laughter)
All right.

So, what shall
I do here now?

Okay, well, she's gonna--
we're gonna send her to you.
Go on.

Oh. Should I throw it?
Is she gonna take the ball?

(laughter)

That's it.
That's the clip
we wanna use.

Well, the koala bear
peeing on Larry is much funnier.

Horse shit.
We used that clip

on the anniversary show
last year.

And it's a classic.

Classic, my ass!

People are tired
of seeing talk show hosts

being pissed on.

Joe Franklin did that
30 years ago.

I'm not saying
it's Shakespeare,

but, you know,
it, it's an anniversary show,

and you want to give
the people what they want.

And what they want to see
is Larry Sanders

getting hit in the nuts
by a monkey, right, Lar?

Well, what's the difference?

Right! So, we'll go with the
monkey in the clip package,

and we use the koala bear
as a bumper.

Good thinking, Larry.

I totally agree with you.

Uh, we'll use the monkey
as a bumper

and the koala bear
for the clip package.

Jerry, would you excuse us,
please?

Doesn't it seem to you
like we are basically doing

the same show
night after night?

No.

Well, I am walking through
the same fucking blue curtain

every night doing
exactly the same show.

Well, let's get rid
of the fucking blue curtain,

jazz things up a little.
(sighs)

Let's get a red curtain,
maybe with a stripe.

That is not what I'm saying.

Okay, what about this:

Let's mix up
tonight's show?

If Miss Dolly Parton
will allow,

we can bump her
to third position

and open with
the Bird Whistlers.

Then who's in the middle?

An old friend of yours,

someone you haven't seen
for some time.

Now, Larry, you might not
recognize this little girl,

but she was on your show
back in 1987.

How could I forget,
Joan.

That was the last intimate
relationship I had.

Where are you going?
Where are you going?

Oh.
(laughter)

Jesse, be a good girl.
I don't understand this.

You know, she doesn't
do this at home,

and the only time
she ever does it is with you.

I'll take it
as a compliment.

Don't you have
to go to work?

I am working.
I'm working on this movie.

It's going great.
Great.

In fact, I'm gonna
call in sick today.

I can't go to that show
one more fucking day.

Ever since I started working
on this movie, I'm telling you,

I feel like I've been wasting
my life doing that show.

I understand.
I need my computer.

Yeah, no, I-I need it.
I only have 100 pages left.

(door opens)

(laughs)
Where the hell is Larry?

He's the one that
called the staff meeting.

He's not in yet.
I know he's not in yet.

Hank wants to know
where Larry is.

He's not in yet.
Is he sick?

I don't know.
Where's Larry?

He's not in yet.
Is he sick?

Some trouble with his car?

I don't know.

It's that damn Francine,
she hates the show.

I suppose she prefers
the cinema and the ballet.

Well, she did answer
the phone when I called.

(chuckles)
I'm afraid our boy's getting
pussy-whipped.

Oh, Artie, Artie, ixnay
on the ussy-whip-pay.

Quite right, Hank.

Inexcusable.

Forgive me, ladies.

Beverly, would you get Larry
on the phone?

Absolutely.

And if he's not
at his house,

try Yoko's place.

(telephone rings)

Would you get the phone?

And if that's work,
tell them I'm sick.

Hate doing that.
Thanks.

(ringing)

Hello.
Beverly:
One sec for Artie.

Arthur:
Francine, my dear,
may I speak to our boy?

Oh, um...

hi, um...

How are you?

Is Larry there?

Well, just a minute.

He hates me.

Is it Artie?

(stammering)
Hello. Artie?

What's up? I'm...
not feeling too well.

Oh, nothing important,

just checking to see
when you'll be with us.

Well, I, uh...
(clears throat)

I've been kind of sick today,
and I don't think, uh,

I'd be any good at work today
coming in at all...

Mmm.
to... you still there?

I'm listening.
I'm flu-ish.

Well, listen, I'll-I'll be in
in about a half an hour.

Okay.
Okay.

Why didn't you just tell him
you're working on your movie?

Because, uh, I haven't told
anyone about the movie.

It's not their business.

Oprah Winfrey's interviewing
Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson says
that he can count--

Hank:
Hey, what's the word on...

I'm sorry. Uh, go right ahead.

Oprah Winfrey's interviewing
Michael Jackson.
(door slams)

He says he can count on two
fingers the amount of times

that he's had
plastic surgery...

Mm-hmm.
I don't think those
are his real fingers.

(laughs)

See, Larry didn't go for that.

He said it's dated.

Well, it-it is. It is.
(grinder whirs)

I'm sorry.
I-It is dated.

What do you mean,
it's dated?

Well, I don't think
anybody's gonna remember
who Oprah Winfrey is.

Michael Jackson's
timeless.

Yeah.

Hank:
L-Let me ask you a--

let me ask you guys
a question.

Have you noticed that, um...
(pulsating)

Have you noticed that,
uh, Larry is acting

just a little melancholy
lately?

I have not.
Larry who?

Yeah, well, that's probably

'cause you don't-- you
don't get the quality time

with Larry that I do.
Yeah.

Mmm.
You mean those moments
during the commercial

when he leans over and asks

if there's anything
hanging out of his nose?

Hey, Phil. Phil.

Remember, you can't spell
smart-ass without A-S-S.

Okay?

(scoffs)

Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, sorry.

You don't have to hold
the-the party line with me.

All right...

the cone of silence
is coming down.

Mmm-hmm.

I think Larry might be
losing interest in the show.

Who isn't?
Oh, no, no, no, no.

You see,
now I think is the time

for you guys to write him
some of the funniest stuff

that he has ever seen.

I mean, you know, boffo,
laugh-out-loud,

off-the-wall shit that you guys,
you-you do so well.

Well, what are you
gonna be doing?

Okay, okay...

Well, you watch me
out there tonight,

because you're gonna see
a re-energized Hank Kingsley,

on with a capital "O"
and a capital "N."

All right.
I'm getting excited.

And it's really great
for this stuff here, you know?

You put it-- you put it
like this...

Yeah.
...and it really works.

Try it. It's really hard.

Pardon me?

(Suzanne Somers laughs)

Yeah, it is hard.

Yeah, yeah.
(audience laughs)

It's hard.
It is.

Let me see.
It is. It really works.

Boy, it is hard.
Suzanne: Yeah.

(laughter)

All right, now, um...

I take-- I leave it on the floor
next to my bed.

Yeah. Oh, that lucky thing.
Now, listen...

Do you, uh...

Hank, what...

(laughs)
What is that?

Oh, this is a--
it's an electrical tie.

It's just, you know,
just a goof.

Well, I'd be sure
to take it off

before I got in
the bathtub if I were you.

(laughter)

The Suzanne Somers segment
was pure magic.

Oh, yeah. Her boobs were
falling out of her blouse

and all I did
was make lewd innuendos

about having sex with her.
I'm very, very proud.

You should be, my boy.

Leno couldn't do
that flirting thing.

It would make
people sick.

Yuck!

I'm glad to know
I don't make America sick.

Suzanne, my darling,
what a delight.

All right,
I'll see you tomorrow, Hank.

Okay.

Uh, I-I gotta talk to you,

and, uh, not as a coworker,
but as a friend.

Well, I mean, as a friend,
and a, uh, and a coworker.

Oh, not now, huh?
(bumping)

Uh...
(chuckles)

Your foot is in--

Yeah. I gotta get
right back out.

Um... Larry...

there is nothing
more important to me

than the human relationship.
I know, because recently, uh,

I was dating
a "Solid Gold" dancer,

and she was...

everything to me.

I didn't know "Solid Gold"
was still on, actually.

No, it isn't, uh, but she was
a "Solid Gold" dancer in 1979.

No, I'm sorry,
it was, uh, '80.

Well, still the peak years.

Right.

Anyway, uh...
(bumping)

(coughs, laughs)

Uh, Larry...

this show is like
a family of sorts...
Mm-hmm.

but now there's a new member
of the family, isn't there?

You trying to tell me
you're pregnant, Hank?

(laughs)

I mean Francine...
your new lady.

But you can't forget
your old lady, the show.

I mean, there's gotta
be room in your life

for both
of these lovely ladies.

Sit down.

Sit down!

Sit down.

Don't you ever get bored?

Bored? In what way?

With the show.

Yes. Sometimes
when Kenny G is on,

I get a little sleepy,
you know?

That is something else.

You mean bored
in show business?

Oh, no. Ah, no.
(laughs)

Everything about it is,
you know, um...

it's interesting.

Something's gotta give.

I understand.

(sighs)
Something's got to give.

I understand that.

And you know why
I understand that?

Because first...

I'm your friend.

Then I'm a coworker.

Was that a curtsy?
Did you just curtsy to me?

(both laugh)
No.

Okay, because
don't-- don't ever curtsy.

Okay. Larry...

Thumbs, Hank.

(crickets chirping)

(door opens and shuts)

There's no reason
for Arthur to hate me.

He doesn't hate you.

Oh, this is good.

I just typed in
"He doesn't hate you."

Yes, he does.
He does not. Nice run?

Yeah.
Yeah? You smell good.

Well, thanks.
Mmm. Sweat becomes you.

Thank you.
How's the movie going?

Don't look. It's rough.

I like it rough.

Well, nevertheless...

Is Lyle the protagonist?

Lyle is a cop.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I should wait
till it comes out on video.

Or laser disc.

I'm telling you, surround sound
will bring this thing to life.

I never did anything
to Arthur, did I?

There's oxygen in the kitchen.

(telephone ringing)
Morning, Larry.

Morning.
Hey.

Hey.

Hey, can I ask you
a quick question?
Yeah.

Uh, everything's cool
with the writing on the show?

Oh, yeah.
Are you happy with--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
M-monologues are okay?

Great, good as ever.

Good.
All right.

Beverly, could you
hold my calls

for the next couple of hours,
and get me a typewriter?

Uh, there's a computer
if you want it.

Uh, gee, you know,
I like the sound

of the banging
and then the bell.

Or do you guys prefer
the bell and then the banging?

(both laugh nervously)

He's typing?
What does that mean?

That means
that he's going

to be doing
all of his own stuff

and we're not gonna
get anything on.

Fuck, I told you not to do
that Michael Jackson joke.

Fucking king of pop.

We're wasting
our creative lives.

Oh, Francine.
Hi, Darlene, is he in?

Yeah.
Great.

Hank:
Oh, uh, huh, Francine,
what a...

what a delight.
Hello, Hank.

Oh, what lovely shoes,
Francine. Are those new?

Well, no, but thank you.
Is-is Larry busy?

Francine, may I speak to you
for a moment, please?

Well, sure.

Could we adjourn
to the conference room, my dear?

Okay.

Thank you.

Hank, would you like
to join us?

Well, I-I'd love to.

We'll be right in.

Hank, would you do me a favor
and say, uh...

Listen...
(indistinct whispering)

How have you two been?

Fine. What a gorgeous day.

Yes, it is.

I am very concerned

about Larry's lack of interest
in the show.

Oh, not now, Hank, uh...

All we wanted to ask,
Francine, was, uh,

if you thought there
might be something special

we could get Larry
for his birthday.

Well, his birthday isn't
for another three months.

We know.

I'm very concerned

about Larry's lack
of interest in the show.

Uh, not now, Hank.
Uh, you must excuse Hank.

He-- Hank sometimes
forgets his boundaries.

What is it
that's bothering you, Hank?

Hank?

If there's something
on your mind,

now would be the time
to speak.

I'm very concerned

about Larry's lack
of interest in--

Uh, if I may, Hank, uh,

what Hank is concerned about
is that Larry seems

to be experiencing
something of a...

seven-year itch
on the show.

I know.

You know, we're family here,
Francine, and we're...

we're so pleased that you've
returned to the family,

but in every family,
there must be a balance.

Larry's lack of interest
on the show

has nothing to do with me.

I think he's just tired
of getting hit in the nuts

by a bunch of monkeys.

Fine. That's, uh...
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I mean,
that, uh--

No, no, no, don't you
demean what we do out there,

because that monkey gave
a lot of people pleasure

with that inappropriate act.

Look, I don't make Larry's
career choices for him.

Arthur:
'Course not, my dear.
He does what he wants,

and if he wants to do movies,
then he'll do movies.

Movies, is it?

Oh, movies.
(door opens)

Larry:
Hey.

What's going on
in here?

You guys hitting
on my ex-wife?

(laughs)
No, no.

We're just, uh,
we're catching up on things.

My friend,
you've gotta stop hiding

this lovely little light
under a bushel.

Your Francine
is a true delight.
Yeah, yeah.

They blame me for your loss
of interest on the show.

Right? Isn't-- isn't that
what you guys were saying?

Larry:
Is that true?

Hey, the reason
I'm bored on this show

has nothing to do
with Francine,

and I don't like
you guys dragging her

into our problems
here at work.

Larry...
we know about the movie.

You know about the movie.

First of all,
let me say...

Mm-hmm.
we love this treatment.

Absolutely loved it.

Oh, good, thanks.
Thank you.

Terrific.
Thank you.

It could use a little bit more
character development.

Mmm.

Well, yeah, this was,
you know, rough.

And a different
ending.

Huh.

Like the one
in "Ghost,"

where he walks
into the light and he says,

"You can take love
with you."

Or the ending in "Green Card."

Mmm. Better.

Huh.

Uh-huh.

Tell me, who do you
see playing Lyle?

Uh, actually, uh, I'm Lyle.

How do you feel about...

Harrison Ford as Lyle?

Well...

I think, you know,
I'm really Lyle.

Or Gérard Depardieu.

He was in "Green Card,"
right?

Yeah.

Boy, you really like
"Green Card," don't you?

(laughs)

How about...
Mike Myers?

Mike Myers?

As Lyle?

You know, we do
have a project

that is absolutely
perfect for you.

Mmm. True story.

Gabriel Edmonds,
steel worker,

hit by a freight train,
developed psychic powers.

Boy, I remember him.
What happened to him?

He went insane...
Mm-hmm.

He was killed in a gun battle
with the police.

Boy, that's, that's
a little heavy for me, I--

No, no, no, actually,
it's funny, it's funny.

Edmonds gets famous,

cover of "Time,"
cover of "Newsweek"...

goes on...

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Oh, so I'd be
playing myself?

Well, you wouldn't
be playing Hank.

(all laugh)

Do you think we
can get Hank?

Is there, is there a restroom,
uh...

(excited yelling)

Larry:
The anniversary show wouldn't be
complete without this clip.

(laughter)

Is he...

is he touching?

Is he touching?

(applause)

Joan:
Can you come over
and give me a hand?

Larry:
I'll step off over here.

Let me take my jacket off.

All right?

And, uh, is Joel going to, uh--
this is Joel.

This is Joel.

And, Joel,
are you an ape or a monkey?

(laughter)

Oh. Should I throw it?
Is she gonna take the ball?

(laughter)

She's a female, all right!

(laughter)

I was right. That's
the clip the fans love.

Yeah, well,
I can't stop laughing.

Mr. Sanders, please.

Don't take this show
for granted.

You insult me and everyone
who works on this show.

I'm not talking about them.

For four decades,
I've heard people talk

about how shitty TV is
and how great movies are.

Fuck 'em!

You do what you're best at.

That's what makes you
a success.

What's up your ass?

I know you had this big...
movie meeting today.

Word gets around.

I'm sure you can make a deal
anywhere you like in town.

As a matter of fact,
the, the meeting went great.

Fine. Well, just go ahead
and see how you like

spending 14-hour days
in a trailer,

playing gin rummy
with your hairdresser.

Go ahead.

I will.
Good.

Good.

Good.
Good, then.

Good.

(indistinct talking
in background)

What's the next clip?

You and Hank eating pie.

(laughter)

(cheering)

(Larry talking indistinctly)

(laughs)

Hear that live audience
laugh.

You won't get that
making movies.

(both laugh)

How many...

how many...
how many c--

how many pies have you eaten?

So, three.
Three.

So, counting...
counting the...
(laughs)

counting the two you had today,
that's five?

(laughter)

(spits)

(applause)

I just want to say--
we have very little time left--

thanks for sticking with us
for six years,

and, folks, uh, we love you.
Good night.

Let's hope it's another six.
See you tomorrow.

♪ ♪
(cheering and applause)

We're clear!

That went well.

That was a good show.
Look, I rarely come and talk

to the audience
after a-- after a show,

but this was special,
and you guys are special

that you come
to see the show live.

Do you have any questions
you'd like to ask me?

Yes, sir.

I was just wondering,
you being, you know,

so funny and all, how come
you don't, you know, do movies?

(scattered laughter)

(theme song playing)