Original subtitles

Larry: And what is the difference between--

this is an-- this is an ape, am I correct?

Woman: This is an ape, as opposed to a monkey,

and great apes are gorillas, orangs, chimps

and, uh, very intelligent animals...

Uh-huh. ...very highly developed,

our closest relatives.

What about monkeys?

Is there-- what's the difference there?

Monkeys are, are not as high on the developmental scale.

Many of them have tails, which she does not.

Um, a little bit different body shape.

Right, and--

She has very human-like hands.

And it sounds like most of those become sidekicks,

announcers, that kind of thing.

(laughter)

They're almost intelligent enough to do that.

Well, listen, I understand that, uh,

Jesse, uh, can actually throw and catch a baseball.

Is that right? Yeah, she's very good at it, so--

Well, I've brought my glove,

and I thought we'd give that a try.

All right. Joel, can you come over and give me a hand?

Come on, Jess. Come here. Come on.

I'll step off over here. Let me take my jacket off.

Yeah. All right?

And, uh, is Joel going to...

uh, this is Joel. This is Joel.

And, Joel, are you an ape or a monkey?

(laughter) All right.

So, what shall I do here now?

Okay, well, she's gonna-- we're gonna send her to you. Go on.

Oh. Should I throw it? Is she gonna take the ball?

(laughter)

That's it. That's the clip we wanna use.

Well, the koala bear peeing on Larry is much funnier.

Horse shit. We used that clip

on the anniversary show last year.

And it's a classic.

Classic, my ass!

People are tired of seeing talk show hosts

being pissed on.

Joe Franklin did that 30 years ago.

I'm not saying it's Shakespeare,

but, you know, it, it's an anniversary show,

and you want to give the people what they want.

And what they want to see is Larry Sanders

getting hit in the nuts by a monkey, right, Lar?

Well, what's the difference?

Right! So, we'll go with the monkey in the clip package,

and we use the koala bear as a bumper.

Good thinking, Larry.

I totally agree with you.

Uh, we'll use the monkey as a bumper

and the koala bear for the clip package.

Jerry, would you excuse us, please?

Doesn't it seem to you like we are basically doing

the same show night after night?

No.

Well, I am walking through the same fucking blue curtain

every night doing exactly the same show.

Well, let's get rid of the fucking blue curtain,

jazz things up a little. (sighs)

Let's get a red curtain, maybe with a stripe.

That is not what I'm saying.

Okay, what about this:

Let's mix up tonight's show?

If Miss Dolly Parton will allow,

we can bump her to third position

and open with the Bird Whistlers.

Then who's in the middle?

An old friend of yours,

someone you haven't seen for some time.

Now, Larry, you might not recognize this little girl,

but she was on your show back in 1987.

How could I forget, Joan.

That was the last intimate relationship I had.

Where are you going? Where are you going?

Oh. (laughter)

Jesse, be a good girl. I don't understand this.

You know, she doesn't do this at home,

and the only time she ever does it is with you.

I'll take it as a compliment.

Don't you have to go to work?

I am working. I'm working on this movie.

It's going great. Great.

In fact, I'm gonna call in sick today.

I can't go to that show one more fucking day.

Ever since I started working on this movie, I'm telling you,

I feel like I've been wasting my life doing that show.

I understand. I need my computer.

Yeah, no, I-I need it. I only have 100 pages left.

(door opens)

(laughs) Where the hell is Larry?

He's the one that called the staff meeting.

He's not in yet. I know he's not in yet.

Hank wants to know where Larry is.

He's not in yet. Is he sick?

I don't know. Where's Larry?

He's not in yet. Is he sick?

Some trouble with his car?

I don't know.

It's that damn Francine, she hates the show.

I suppose she prefers the cinema and the ballet.

Well, she did answer the phone when I called.

(chuckles) I'm afraid our boy's getting pussy-whipped.

Oh, Artie, Artie, ixnay on the ussy-whip-pay.

Quite right, Hank.

Inexcusable.

Forgive me, ladies.

Beverly, would you get Larry on the phone?

Absolutely.

And if he's not at his house,

try Yoko's place.

(telephone rings)

Would you get the phone?

And if that's work, tell them I'm sick.

Hate doing that. Thanks.

(ringing)

Hello. Beverly: One sec for Artie.

Arthur: Francine, my dear, may I speak to our boy?

Oh, um...

hi, um...

How are you?

Is Larry there?

Well, just a minute.

He hates me.

Is it Artie?

(stammering) Hello. Artie?

What's up? I'm... not feeling too well.

Oh, nothing important,

just checking to see when you'll be with us.

Well, I, uh... (clears throat)

I've been kind of sick today, and I don't think, uh,

I'd be any good at work today coming in at all...

Mmm. to... you still there?

I'm listening. I'm flu-ish.

Well, listen, I'll-I'll be in in about a half an hour.

Okay. Okay.

Why didn't you just tell him you're working on your movie?

Because, uh, I haven't told anyone about the movie.

It's not their business.

Oprah Winfrey's interviewing Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson says that he can count--

Hank: Hey, what's the word on...

I'm sorry. Uh, go right ahead.

Oprah Winfrey's interviewing Michael Jackson. (door slams)

He says he can count on two fingers the amount of times

that he's had plastic surgery...

Mm-hmm. I don't think those are his real fingers.

(laughs)

See, Larry didn't go for that.

He said it's dated.

Well, it-it is. It is. (grinder whirs)

I'm sorry. I-It is dated.

What do you mean, it's dated?

Well, I don't think anybody's gonna remember who Oprah Winfrey is.

Michael Jackson's timeless.

Yeah.

Hank: L-Let me ask you a--

let me ask you guys a question.

Have you noticed that, um... (pulsating)

Have you noticed that, uh, Larry is acting

just a little melancholy lately?

I have not. Larry who?

Yeah, well, that's probably

'cause you don't-- you don't get the quality time

with Larry that I do. Yeah.

Mmm. You mean those moments during the commercial

when he leans over and asks

if there's anything hanging out of his nose?

Hey, Phil. Phil.

Remember, you can't spell smart-ass without A-S-S.

Okay?

(scoffs)

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, sorry.

You don't have to hold the-the party line with me.

All right...

the cone of silence is coming down.

Mmm-hmm.

I think Larry might be losing interest in the show.

Who isn't? Oh, no, no, no, no.

You see, now I think is the time

for you guys to write him some of the funniest stuff

that he has ever seen.

I mean, you know, boffo, laugh-out-loud,

off-the-wall shit that you guys, you-you do so well.

Well, what are you gonna be doing?

Okay, okay...

Well, you watch me out there tonight,

because you're gonna see a re-energized Hank Kingsley,

on with a capital "O" and a capital "N."

All right. I'm getting excited.

And it's really great for this stuff here, you know?

You put it-- you put it like this...

Yeah. ...and it really works.

Try it. It's really hard.

Pardon me?

(Suzanne Somers laughs)

Yeah, it is hard.

Yeah, yeah. (audience laughs)

It's hard. It is.

Let me see. It is. It really works.

Boy, it is hard. Suzanne: Yeah.

(laughter)

All right, now, um...

I take-- I leave it on the floor next to my bed.

Yeah. Oh, that lucky thing. Now, listen...

Do you, uh...

Hank, what...

(laughs) What is that?

Oh, this is a-- it's an electrical tie.

It's just, you know, just a goof.

Well, I'd be sure to take it off

before I got in the bathtub if I were you.

(laughter)

The Suzanne Somers segment was pure magic.

Oh, yeah. Her boobs were falling out of her blouse

and all I did was make lewd innuendos

about having sex with her. I'm very, very proud.

You should be, my boy.

Leno couldn't do that flirting thing.

It would make people sick.

Yuck!

I'm glad to know I don't make America sick.

Suzanne, my darling, what a delight.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow, Hank.

Okay.

Uh, I-I gotta talk to you,

and, uh, not as a coworker, but as a friend.

Well, I mean, as a friend, and a, uh, and a coworker.

Oh, not now, huh? (bumping)

Uh... (chuckles)

Your foot is in--

Yeah. I gotta get right back out.

Um... Larry...

there is nothing more important to me

than the human relationship. I know, because recently, uh,

I was dating a "Solid Gold" dancer,

and she was...

everything to me.

I didn't know "Solid Gold" was still on, actually.

No, it isn't, uh, but she was a "Solid Gold" dancer in 1979.

No, I'm sorry, it was, uh, '80.

Well, still the peak years.

Right.

Anyway, uh... (bumping)

(coughs, laughs)

Uh, Larry...

this show is like a family of sorts... Mm-hmm.

but now there's a new member of the family, isn't there?

You trying to tell me you're pregnant, Hank?

(laughs)

I mean Francine... your new lady.

But you can't forget your old lady, the show.

I mean, there's gotta be room in your life

for both of these lovely ladies.

Sit down.

Sit down!

Sit down.

Don't you ever get bored?

Bored? In what way?

With the show.

Yes. Sometimes when Kenny G is on,

I get a little sleepy, you know?

That is something else.

You mean bored in show business?

Oh, no. Ah, no. (laughs)

Everything about it is, you know, um...

it's interesting.

Something's gotta give.

I understand.

(sighs) Something's got to give.

I understand that.

And you know why I understand that?

Because first...

I'm your friend.

Then I'm a coworker.

Was that a curtsy? Did you just curtsy to me?

(both laugh) No.

Okay, because don't-- don't ever curtsy.

Okay. Larry...

Thumbs, Hank.

(crickets chirping)

(door opens and shuts)

There's no reason for Arthur to hate me.

He doesn't hate you.

Oh, this is good.

I just typed in "He doesn't hate you."

Yes, he does. He does not. Nice run?

Yeah. Yeah? You smell good.

Well, thanks. Mmm. Sweat becomes you.

Thank you. How's the movie going?

Don't look. It's rough.

I like it rough.

Well, nevertheless...

Is Lyle the protagonist?

Lyle is a cop.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I should wait till it comes out on video.

Or laser disc.

I'm telling you, surround sound will bring this thing to life.

I never did anything to Arthur, did I?

There's oxygen in the kitchen.

(telephone ringing) Morning, Larry.

Morning. Hey.

Hey.

Hey, can I ask you a quick question? Yeah.

Uh, everything's cool with the writing on the show?

Oh, yeah. Are you happy with--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. M-monologues are okay?

Great, good as ever.

Good. All right.

Beverly, could you hold my calls

for the next couple of hours, and get me a typewriter?

Uh, there's a computer if you want it.

Uh, gee, you know, I like the sound

of the banging and then the bell.

Or do you guys prefer the bell and then the banging?

(both laugh nervously)

He's typing? What does that mean?

That means that he's going

to be doing all of his own stuff

and we're not gonna get anything on.

Fuck, I told you not to do that Michael Jackson joke.

Fucking king of pop.

We're wasting our creative lives.

Oh, Francine. Hi, Darlene, is he in?

Yeah. Great.

Hank: Oh, uh, huh, Francine, what a...

what a delight. Hello, Hank.

Oh, what lovely shoes, Francine. Are those new?

Well, no, but thank you. Is-is Larry busy?

Francine, may I speak to you for a moment, please?

Well, sure.

Could we adjourn to the conference room, my dear?

Okay.

Thank you.

Hank, would you like to join us?

Well, I-I'd love to.

We'll be right in.

Hank, would you do me a favor and say, uh...

Listen... (indistinct whispering)

How have you two been?

Fine. What a gorgeous day.

Yes, it is.

I am very concerned

about Larry's lack of interest in the show.

Oh, not now, Hank, uh...

All we wanted to ask, Francine, was, uh,

if you thought there might be something special

we could get Larry for his birthday.

Well, his birthday isn't for another three months.

We know.

I'm very concerned

about Larry's lack of interest in the show.

Uh, not now, Hank. Uh, you must excuse Hank.

He-- Hank sometimes forgets his boundaries.

What is it that's bothering you, Hank?

Hank?

If there's something on your mind,

now would be the time to speak.

I'm very concerned

about Larry's lack of interest in--

Uh, if I may, Hank, uh,

what Hank is concerned about is that Larry seems

to be experiencing something of a...

seven-year itch on the show.

I know.

You know, we're family here, Francine, and we're...

we're so pleased that you've returned to the family,

but in every family, there must be a balance.

Larry's lack of interest on the show

has nothing to do with me.

I think he's just tired of getting hit in the nuts

by a bunch of monkeys.

Fine. That's, uh... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I mean, that, uh--

No, no, no, don't you demean what we do out there,

because that monkey gave a lot of people pleasure

with that inappropriate act.

Look, I don't make Larry's career choices for him.

Arthur: 'Course not, my dear. He does what he wants,

and if he wants to do movies, then he'll do movies.

Movies, is it?

Oh, movies. (door opens)

Larry: Hey.

What's going on in here?

You guys hitting on my ex-wife?

(laughs) No, no.

We're just, uh, we're catching up on things.

My friend, you've gotta stop hiding

this lovely little light under a bushel.

Your Francine is a true delight. Yeah, yeah.

They blame me for your loss of interest on the show.

Right? Isn't-- isn't that what you guys were saying?

Larry: Is that true?

Hey, the reason I'm bored on this show

has nothing to do with Francine,

and I don't like you guys dragging her

into our problems here at work.

Larry... we know about the movie.

You know about the movie.

First of all, let me say...

Mm-hmm. we love this treatment.

Absolutely loved it.

Oh, good, thanks. Thank you.

Terrific. Thank you.

It could use a little bit more character development.

Mmm.

Well, yeah, this was, you know, rough.

And a different ending.

Huh.

Like the one in "Ghost,"

where he walks into the light and he says,

"You can take love with you."

Or the ending in "Green Card."

Mmm. Better.

Huh.

Uh-huh.

Tell me, who do you see playing Lyle?

Uh, actually, uh, I'm Lyle.

How do you feel about...

Harrison Ford as Lyle?

Well...

I think, you know, I'm really Lyle.

Or Gérard Depardieu.

He was in "Green Card," right?

Yeah.

Boy, you really like "Green Card," don't you?

(laughs)

How about... Mike Myers?

Mike Myers?

As Lyle?

You know, we do have a project

that is absolutely perfect for you.

Mmm. True story.

Gabriel Edmonds, steel worker,

hit by a freight train, developed psychic powers.

Boy, I remember him. What happened to him?

He went insane... Mm-hmm.

He was killed in a gun battle with the police.

Boy, that's, that's a little heavy for me, I--

No, no, no, actually, it's funny, it's funny.

Edmonds gets famous,

cover of "Time," cover of "Newsweek"...

goes on...

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Oh, so I'd be playing myself?

Well, you wouldn't be playing Hank.

(all laugh)

Do you think we can get Hank?

Is there, is there a restroom, uh...

(excited yelling)

Larry: The anniversary show wouldn't be complete without this clip.

(laughter)

Is he...

is he touching?

Is he touching?

(applause)

Joan: Can you come over and give me a hand?

Larry: I'll step off over here.

Let me take my jacket off.

All right?

And, uh, is Joel going to, uh-- this is Joel.

This is Joel.

And, Joel, are you an ape or a monkey?

(laughter)

Oh. Should I throw it? Is she gonna take the ball?

(laughter)

She's a female, all right!

(laughter)

I was right. That's the clip the fans love.

Yeah, well, I can't stop laughing.

Mr. Sanders, please.

Don't take this show for granted.

You insult me and everyone who works on this show.

I'm not talking about them.

For four decades, I've heard people talk

about how shitty TV is and how great movies are.

Fuck 'em!

You do what you're best at.

That's what makes you a success.

What's up your ass?

I know you had this big... movie meeting today.

Word gets around.

I'm sure you can make a deal anywhere you like in town.

As a matter of fact, the, the meeting went great.

Fine. Well, just go ahead and see how you like

spending 14-hour days in a trailer,

playing gin rummy with your hairdresser.

Go ahead.

I will. Good.

Good.

Good. Good, then.

Good.

(indistinct talking in background)

What's the next clip?

You and Hank eating pie.

(laughter)

(cheering)

(Larry talking indistinctly)

(laughs)

Hear that live audience laugh.

You won't get that making movies.

(both laugh)

How many...

how many... how many c--

how many pies have you eaten?

So, three. Three.

So, counting... counting the... (laughs)

counting the two you had today, that's five?

(laughter)

(spits)

(applause)

I just want to say-- we have very little time left--

thanks for sticking with us for six years,

and, folks, uh, we love you. Good night.

Let's hope it's another six. See you tomorrow.

♪ ♪ (cheering and applause)

We're clear!

That went well.

That was a good show. Look, I rarely come and talk

to the audience after a-- after a show,

but this was special, and you guys are special

that you come to see the show live.

Do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?

Yes, sir.

I was just wondering, you being, you know,

so funny and all, how come you don't, you know, do movies?

(scattered laughter)

(theme song playing)