Original subtitles

Hank: Now, that sign says...

"applesauce."

No, no, no, no, no. (audience laughing)

I'm kidding, it says "applause."

Ray, do me a favor, could you flick that once?

(applause) All right.

Now, remember, you're all--

you're all a big part of the show.

So the better you are, the better Larry is.

Okay, now you see this gentleman?

Now, he's giving me this, uh, this sign and it says,

"We're on in 10 seconds,

so get ready to have a good time."

Now, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man: In... five, four, three, two...

♪ ♪

Hank: Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join Larry and his guests,

Burt Reynolds, Barry Manilow,

comedian Jake Johannsen,

and me, "Hey Now" Hank Kingsley.

And now, because he just plain likes all this attention,

Larry Sanders!

(cheering and applause)

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

All right.

Thank you.

The postal service announced today that they will be

putting in brand-new vending machines

in all post offices, which, for a dollar,

when you put the dollar in the machine,

will open fire on everyone.

(laughter)

Well, come on...

Larry: Hey, I know this is a rerun,

but you don't have to change the channel.

It's the one with Burt Reynolds,

and he tells this great Dom DeLuise story

about them, you know, fishing,

and I really wanted to see it, please?

Can I-- can we turn it back on? No, no.

'Cause I really want to see the Burt Reynolds thing, please?

Oh, damn it. What?

You made me miss the earrings.

(chuckling) What-- are you serious?

Yes. I thought you were kidding about those earrings.

No. (sobbing) You want to...

Woman on TV: Up next is Hank Kingsley,

from "The Larry Sanders Show." (light applause)

Hello, hello.

Who's here to talk about a new piece of fitness equipment

that is just spectacular.

That's right.

As you know, I travel a lot.

And I do personal appearances, all kinds of things.

I tell ya, it is, uh, it's very tough to keep in shape.

Uh, well, it doesn't look like it to me.

(both laughing)

Hey, now.

(light applause)

Well, uh, thank you, but that's because

when the good people at Bruck Industries showed me this fitness product,

I, uh, I tried it out, you know.

And I used it, I used it regularly.

And, uh, I tell ya, I believe in it so much,

I let 'em put my name on it.

So, here it is.

This is the Hankerciser 200.

And, uh, now...

my assistant Darlene will demonstrate.

The Hankerciser 200 attaches easily

to any standard doorknob.

Hotel room, bedroom, living room,

everything but the refrigerator door.

Which you want to stay away from anyway

if you're trying to slim down.

Now, uh, Darlene, can you just pull your legs into the air?

Now, you see this.

When she is pulling her legs into air,

she is using the full benefit of gravity.

Darlene has only been using the Hankerciser for one month,

and look at that body.

Look at Hank's.

Hey, now. Oh. (giggles)

Let's take a call. Hello, you're on the air.

Man on phone: Uh, yeah, hi, Hank.

Hello?

Uh, yeah, Hank, I'm overweight,

and I was wondering, could I use the Hankerciser

to, uh, reduce the size of Howard Stern's ass?

We're going to walk through a typical day

on "The Larry Sanders Show."

You will see what a producer actually does,

not that bullshit they teach you at college.

(laughter)

Now, we've got exactly seven hours and nine minutes

till showtime, every minute is crucial.

Hey, now, what do we have here?

Hello, Hank.

This is my class from UCLA.

Future TV producers, every one.

Say hello to Hank.

All: Hi, Hank.

Go, Bruins.

Hank, we're on our way to the stage.

Uh, if you'll excuse us.

Oh, uh, listen,

why don't I give you young kids a Hankerciser

as a memento of the-- of the show.

What's your name, son? Kevin.

Hank, we've got a lot to cover today.

"To Kevin, feel the burn."

Let's take a short break.

You got five minutes, Hank.

How about one for you, okay?

Larry, Francine, hello, dream couple.

It's wonderful to see that you two go everywhere together.

Larry's car wouldn't start. Right.

Larry, you remember that my students from UCLA

are here today for a little behind-the-scenes look-see.

It's wonderful you do that, Artie.

Oh, thank you, Francine. Young people are a delight.

Yeah, they're the hope for a new tomorrow.

Yes, and eventually they'll try to steal our jobs.

Go on in.

They're very excited about seeing you.

I need to find the...

Ladies crapper, third door on the right.

Thank you, Artie. Mm-hmm.

Now, look at me. I mean,

do you think I would let them put my name on it

if it didn't work?

Okay, and you have to extend up, okay?

Now, what exactly are they learning here?

This is how I inspire the class.

Uh-huh. What do you mean exactly?

Well, this is a lesson I call "If Hank Can Do It, Anyone Can."

Bye, Larry, I'll see you later.

Okay.

Hank: Francine?

Francine?!

Um...

yeah, uh, um, uh, boy,

that's, uh, that's longer than it looks.

Listen, just a... give me a second.

Are you all right? Yeah, it just, uh...

Oh, here, I want you to have one of these.

Oh, Hank. Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Uh, here, let me get this.

You going up or down? Down.

Excellent choice.

Uh, look, um, you do some financial reporting, don't you?

Yeah, every once in a while.

Oh, yeah, now I don't want to overstep the boundaries

of a journalistic, um...

Propriety?

No, uh... propriety, right.

And I just have to tell you that the Hankerciser,

it's really taking off

and the people are very curious.

And they want to know who, they want to know what,

they want to know where.

So you want me to write a piece about the Hankerciser.

Boy, do you have a nose for a good story.

(elevator bell dings) Well, I don't usually cover fitness fads, Hank.

Trends. Well, whatever.

Let me ask you a question, what are you--

what are you working on right now?

Oh, I'm working on this piece about the L.A. riots

and the long-term effects of, you know, the...

Oh, I think we've sold some down there.

I'll check.

All right, class, here he is, Mr. Larry Sanders.

Hey, Mr. Sanders. All right, Larry!

Mr. Sanders, are you gonna come to the set with us?

Uh, well, I'd like to, but...

Hank: I... I could...

I could, I could take 'em to the set.

I mean, I'd love to show you kids what this baby does

in an open space.

Okay, Hank, you got three minutes.

All right, great, well, come on, come on.

Darlene, get my towels and a tank top.

In a big wide-open space, you could cram this

right up his ass.

I don't even think you'd need to take it out of the box.

Uh, Mr. Sanders?

Could I, um, ask you a few questions

about how you manage to keep the monologue

so damn fresh every night?

(chuckles) What's your name?

Kevin. Kevin.

Good to know.

Hey, would you like to come on in?

Want a soda?

Oh, yeah, I love soda.

The core of any monologue is really the delivery.

♪ Go, go your body let's bust a groove ♪

♪ Let's give it up it's time to move ♪

♪ Go, go, go your body let's bust a move ♪

♪ Let's give it up it's time to move ♪

♪ Go, go, go your body let's bust a groove... ♪

(music lowers)

Where did you get this?

Hank gave it to me.

And you know what, it's really working.

I can feel something.

Probably embarrassment.

I know what you're thinking, but this thing is really fun.

You should try it.

You look like Howdy Doody having a tantrum.

(thud) Ahh!

Larry: Ow! Ow! Francine: Oh!

I'm sorry. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

I'm sorry. What is that?

(sighs) It's the... ice pack.

Ugh.

(both sighing)

Where are you going?

Hank wanted me to write an article about that thing.

Hey, listen, this would be very awkward for me and Hank

if you did this.

Look at the position Hank's put me in.

Every celebrity in town is jumping on the endorsement bandwagon

of some kind of inferior, piece of shit product.

It's irresponsible. People could get hurt.

Well, now you're starting to sound

like one of those reporters on "A Current Affair."

You know that? Yeah, well, here's something

you never hear on "A Current Affair"--

ow!-- Fuck you.

Ow. You know, I don't believe

I ever have heard that on "A Current Affair."

What Phil and Jerry are doing here on this typical day

is writing promos for the various affiliates

across the country.

And we'll be shooting those this afternoon.

All right, so what do you got for Dallas?

Come up with something good for Dallas, boys.

My aunt will be watching.

Ha-ha.

Uh, what about that thing that you came up with yesterday?

Which one, the, uh, first one?

No. The second one?

No, uh, the one you came up with in the commissary.

Kevin: Um...

I know it's not my place, but Larry and Hank

in 10-gallon hats would be really funny.

(light laughter)

You're a student, right?

Yeah.

What grade are you in?

Morning.

Artie: Morning, Mr. Sanders! Morning.

Jerry: Got those promos.

Finished 'em up.

This is where the writers give Larry the promos

for his approval.

Uh, gee, I don't think I'm gonna say "yee-haw."

Uh-oh. Why not?

It's a cowboy term.

It's funny, it's funny if you say it, try it.

Yee-haw!

(laughter)

Okay, all right.

Has anybody seen Hank?

I think the wardrobe lady said that he was gonna come in

at 11:45 to get ready for the promo shoot in a half hour.

Kevin, right? Yes, sir.

Good to know.

(door closes)

Larry: I got to talk to you a second.

Man: Hey, Larry, we've only got 50 minutes

to get all these promos in, is that okay with you?

Yeah, it's okay.

I have to talk to you about the Hankerciser.

You know, I think you should be doing a stair-climbing machine.

You know, I've been thinking about it.

You know, and I think you should call it the, uh,

I don't know, the Larry Stepper, you know?

Or, uh, no, the Larryciser, Larryride, Larry...

Listen, you know, Francine happened to be using that...

Man: Here we go, in five, four, three, two...

If laughter's your strong suit,

then you'll want to get in on this deal,

"The Larry Sanders Show," right here

on Las Vegas' own Lucky Channel 7.

Hit me.

Man: We're clear.

She hurt herself... No, I don't think so.

on the Hankerciser. I don't...

Yeah, she did.

The doorknob flew right off. I was in there and the...

Now, did she warm up properly?

Because, you see...

Man: Here we go again.

In... Did she-- did, did...

five, four, three, two...

I don't know if she...

Hello, Kansas City. Hungry for entertainment?

Try "The Larry Sanders Show" on KFVD.

You know why, 'cause we like our steaks

the way we like our talk shows...

Well done.

Man: We're clear.

Jesus Christ, man, that is hot.

I still have the Vegas thing on.

Use your head. Do you understand what I'm saying about this?

Yeah, do you understand I just burned my hands?

She hurt herself while she was using that thing.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Just tell her to put some Bengay on it.

Bengay, my ass.

She was so bruised, Hank, she couldn't have sex, okay?

As I remember, we've set up a lovely cheese tray

in the green room.

Let's go down and sample it.

I said let's all go down and have some fucking cheese.

Could we do the Pittsburgh promo, please?

Does anybody have any ice?

I've asked for ice.

(crowd chatter) Man on TV: Here we go again.

In... five, four, three, two...

Nice kids.

How much longer are they gonna be here?

This should be their last day.

I just want them to see a typical day,

and we haven't really had one yet, have we?

Hank on TV: Well done.

Fine. Man on TV: We're clear.

This should be their-- this will be their last day.

I said fine. Fine.

...five, four, three, two... Fine.

(low voice) I need to talk to you.

(low voice) Sure.

Alone, please. Oh.

Don't mind us, Hank.

Just pretend we're not here.

Hank: Alone, goddamn it!

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Whoa-ho-ho, well.

Hmm.

Well, this is something you don't need to see.

You're just in your late teens, so let's go, kiddo.

You okay? Yeah.

I just got off the phone from that, uh, Belinda Foster

from the, uh, Shopping Network.

And they're very nervous. Mm-hmm.

Because some reporter's going around saying

that the Hankerciser is defective.

Now, I think I should tell you that I asked Francine

to do a story about the Hankerciser. Yes, I know.

Not that I am accusing her.

Not by any means.

But, uh, could you do me a favor?

Just ask her to snoop around to find out who it is.

Hank. You know, not that I--

I don't think she's doing it, you know.

Francine is writing the article.

I knew it, I knew it. She is a Judas.

What do you expect?

You put your fuckin' name on every other piece of shit

that comes down the pike.

You know, this is very important to me.

You know? Not that that should concern you.

Oh, no, no, of course not.

We must keep the spotlight on the great Larry Sanders.

You know, so you get to have your own show

and I get to have dick.

Could we please stick to the issue, Hank?

Francine got hurt.

Yeah, right, and now I have to pay for the fact

that you're back together with that cunt.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Whoa.

Oh, no. Whoa.

Oh, no. Whoa.

Oh, no. What did you just say?

No, no, I'm so...

You didn't say-- you couldn't have...

I'm sorry. Did I hear you?

It just-- it just-- I, uh...

I think it's that new hay fever medication.

I-- I--

I think it has opium in it.

I just...

Please have pity. I'm-- I'm drowning.

(door closes)

Hank, here's your schedule for today.

Bad chiropractor?

No.

Uh, rear-ended?

No.

You slip on the ice?

No, my Hankerciser broke and I pulled my neck.

I am so sorry, Hank.

Sweet Jesus, it's a house of cards.

Hank, I'm sure it was my fault.

I think I hooked it up to the wrong side of the door or something.

I'm so sorry. It's fine. It's fine.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Darlene, what happened?

I was rear-ended.

So good to see you.

Huh, you look so... bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

You know, Larry had me believing

that you were near death.

Hank, I'd like to talk to you in your office.

Here, let me.

No, I can get it.

I have a bruise the size of a dinner plate

on my right butt cheek, okay? Right.

This is very awkward for me, but I have to ask you,

did you, uh, did you warm up properly before exercising?

Because it does say quite explicitly...

Oh, I read the manual, Hank.

Did you run any safety tests on that thing?

Uh, is this, uh, is this off the record?

Hank, the doorknob flew off.

It could've taken off my head.

Do you have any idea how much money you could lose

if somebody sues you?

You're scared, aren't you? I know.

Well, I would be too.

Because, sooner or later, somebody's gonna get hurt

or maimed or, God forbid, killed.

Oh, Hank. Help me.

(crying) Help me.

I didn't know.

Um, the guy came to me, you see,

with the thing on paper, and it looked good.

And he said all I had to do was put my name on it,

and, uh... (crying)

I can't find him. Oh.

I'm so fucked.

Oh, Hank, don't, please.

Oh, God, Hank. (crying)

Hank, I'm still very sore.

I swear to God,

I had no idea it was defective,

and I wouldn't hurt you.

Oh...

Hank, I'm not gonna write the article.

You're not toying with me, are you?

No, I swear I won't. I'm not-- I won't write it.

But you have to promise me you'll stop selling that thing.

Thank you. Okay.

I want to thank you very much.

All right. It's okay.

Could you do me one favor?

Uh...

don't tell Larry how fast I buckled?

(chuckling)

Okay. No, this is between us.

All right.

He started to cry? No, he was crying.

He was...

He buckled that fast?

Yes, what was I supposed to do?

I mean, he's not a bad guy.

No, but jeez.

Probably would've made a boring article anyway.

Well, that's great of you

because he really crossed the line there.

You could've really nailed him.

I mean...

Besides, I want to-- I want to finish that article

on cellular phones and brain tumors

and all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good. That's a good idea.

So I'll see you back at the house.

Okay. Thank you.

Good job. Yeah.

How's your leg?

It's-- it's a little sore.

Should be back to normal soon, I think. Great.

Okay, bye, Larry.

How much time do you think it'll take to heal?

Roughly, if you had to put a time frame on it.

(knocking on door)

Not now, Hank.

Hi. Hey, come on in.

I just wanted to drop by to tell you

I had a heart-to-heart discussion with Francine.

Everything is fine,

and she has decided not to write the story.

That's great. Right.

And I got to tell you, you got a lovely lady there.

You are-- you're very lucky.

I know, I know. That's how I feel.

And, uh, I want to apologize again

for what I said about her.

What'd you say?

Said, uh...

Oh, the cunt thing?

You know, you know what I think has happened,

you remember when we had the hypnotist on the show?

Uh-huh. Right, last month.

I think he put some sort of hex on me.

Yeah, that combined with the hay fever medication

would-- would drive... I think so.

That's what it is.

Well, I'm sorry things didn't work out

with you and the Hankerciser, though.

Ah, it's okay, you know.

These things happen.

Actually, uh, I, uh...

got something brewing with the Baritor Electronics people.

I'm very excited. Oh, for God sakes, Hank.

No, no, no, no. Not to worry.

This is proven technology. Cellular phones, baby.

Hank? Yeah.

Sit down.

And I think you'll see that today

is what I consider to be a typical day

at "The Larry Sanders Show."

Shi...

(theme song playing)