All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S02E06_English

Hank:
Now, that sign says...

"applesauce."

No, no, no, no, no.
(audience laughing)

I'm kidding,
it says "applause."

Ray, do me a favor,
could you flick that once?

(applause)
All right.

Now, remember, you're all--

you're all a big part
of the show.

So the better you are,
the better Larry is.

Okay, now you see
this gentleman?

Now, he's giving me this, uh,
this sign and it says,

"We're on in 10 seconds,

so get ready to have
a good time."

Now, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man:
In... five, four, three, two...

♪ ♪

Hank:
Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join Larry
and his guests,

Burt Reynolds,
Barry Manilow,

comedian Jake Johannsen,

and me, "Hey Now"
Hank Kingsley.

And now, because he just plain
likes all this attention,

Larry Sanders!

(cheering and applause)

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

All right.

Thank you.

The postal service announced
today that they will be

putting in brand-new
vending machines

in all post offices,
which, for a dollar,

when you put the dollar
in the machine,

will open fire on everyone.

(laughter)

Well, come on...

Larry:
Hey, I know this is a rerun,

but you don't have to change
the channel.

It's the one
with Burt Reynolds,

and he tells this great
Dom DeLuise story

about them, you know,
fishing,

and I really wanted
to see it, please?

Can I--
can we turn it back on?
No, no.

'Cause I really want to see
the Burt Reynolds thing, please?

Oh, damn it.
What?

You made me miss
the earrings.

(chuckling)
What-- are you serious?

Yes.
I thought you were kidding
about those earrings.

No.
(sobbing)
You want to...

Woman on TV:
Up next is Hank Kingsley,

from "The Larry Sanders Show."
(light applause)

Hello, hello.

Who's here to talk about a new
piece of fitness equipment

that is just spectacular.

That's right.

As you know,
I travel a lot.

And I do personal appearances,
all kinds of things.

I tell ya, it is, uh, it's
very tough to keep in shape.

Uh, well, it doesn't look
like it to me.

(both laughing)

Hey, now.

(light applause)

Well, uh, thank you,
but that's because

when the good people
at Bruck Industries showed me
this fitness product,

I, uh, I tried it out,
you know.

And I used it,
I used it regularly.

And, uh, I tell ya,
I believe in it so much,

I let 'em put
my name on it.

So, here it is.

This is
the Hankerciser 200.

And, uh, now...

my assistant Darlene
will demonstrate.

The Hankerciser 200
attaches easily

to any standard doorknob.

Hotel room, bedroom,
living room,

everything but
the refrigerator door.

Which you want
to stay away from anyway

if you're trying
to slim down.

Now, uh, Darlene, can you just
pull your legs into the air?

Now, you see this.

When she is pulling her legs
into air,

she is using
the full benefit of gravity.

Darlene has only been using
the Hankerciser for one month,

and look at that body.

Look at Hank's.

Hey, now.
Oh. (giggles)

Let's take a call.
Hello, you're on the air.

Man on phone:
Uh, yeah, hi, Hank.

Hello?

Uh, yeah, Hank,
I'm overweight,

and I was wondering,
could I use the Hankerciser

to, uh, reduce the size
of Howard Stern's ass?

We're going to walk
through a typical day

on "The Larry Sanders Show."

You will see what a producer
actually does,

not that bullshit
they teach you at college.

(laughter)

Now, we've got exactly
seven hours and nine minutes

till showtime,
every minute is crucial.

Hey, now,
what do we have here?

Hello, Hank.

This is my class from UCLA.

Future TV producers,
every one.

Say hello to Hank.

All:
Hi, Hank.

Go, Bruins.

Hank, we're on our way
to the stage.

Uh, if you'll excuse us.

Oh, uh, listen,

why don't I give you young kids
a Hankerciser

as a memento of the--
of the show.

What's your name, son?
Kevin.

Hank, we've got a lot
to cover today.

"To Kevin,
feel the burn."

Let's take
a short break.

You got five minutes, Hank.

How about one
for you, okay?

Larry, Francine,
hello, dream couple.

It's wonderful to see that
you two go everywhere together.

Larry's car wouldn't start.
Right.

Larry, you remember
that my students from UCLA

are here today for a little
behind-the-scenes look-see.

It's wonderful
you do that, Artie.

Oh, thank you, Francine.
Young people are a delight.

Yeah, they're the hope
for a new tomorrow.

Yes, and eventually they'll
try to steal our jobs.

Go on in.

They're very excited
about seeing you.

I need to find the...

Ladies crapper,
third door on the right.

Thank you, Artie.
Mm-hmm.

Now, look at me.
I mean,

do you think I would let them
put my name on it

if it didn't work?

Okay, and you have
to extend up, okay?

Now, what exactly
are they learning here?

This is how
I inspire the class.

Uh-huh.
What do you mean exactly?

Well, this is a lesson I call
"If Hank Can Do It, Anyone Can."

Bye, Larry,
I'll see you later.

Okay.

Hank:
Francine?

Francine?!

Um...

yeah, uh, um,
uh, boy,

that's, uh, that's longer
than it looks.

Listen, just a...
give me a second.

Are you all right?
Yeah, it just, uh...

Oh, here, I want you
to have one of these.

Oh, Hank.
Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Uh, here, let me
get this.

You going up or down?
Down.

Excellent choice.

Uh, look, um, you do some
financial reporting, don't you?

Yeah, every once
in a while.

Oh, yeah, now I don't want
to overstep the boundaries

of a journalistic, um...

Propriety?

No, uh...
propriety, right.

And I just have to tell you
that the Hankerciser,

it's really taking off

and the people
are very curious.

And they want to know who,
they want to know what,

they want to know where.

So you want me to write a piece
about the Hankerciser.

Boy, do you have a nose
for a good story.

(elevator bell dings)
Well, I don't usually cover
fitness fads, Hank.

Trends.
Well, whatever.

Let me ask you a question,
what are you--

what are you
working on right now?

Oh, I'm working on this piece
about the L.A. riots

and the long-term effects
of, you know, the...

Oh, I think we've sold
some down there.

I'll check.

All right, class,
here he is, Mr. Larry Sanders.

Hey, Mr. Sanders.
All right, Larry!

Mr. Sanders, are you gonna
come to the set with us?

Uh, well,
I'd like to, but...

Hank:
I... I could...

I could, I could take 'em
to the set.

I mean, I'd love to show you
kids what this baby does

in an open space.

Okay, Hank,
you got three minutes.

All right, great,
well, come on, come on.

Darlene, get my towels
and a tank top.

In a big wide-open space,
you could cram this

right up his ass.

I don't even think you'd need
to take it out of the box.

Uh, Mr. Sanders?

Could I, um, ask you
a few questions

about how you manage
to keep the monologue

so damn fresh every night?

(chuckles)
What's your name?

Kevin.
Kevin.

Good to know.

Hey, would you like
to come on in?

Want a soda?

Oh, yeah, I love soda.

The core of any monologue
is really the delivery.

♪ Go, go your body
let's bust a groove ♪

♪ Let's give it up
it's time to move ♪

♪ Go, go, go your body
let's bust a move ♪

♪ Let's give it up
it's time to move ♪

♪ Go, go, go your body
let's bust a groove... ♪

(music lowers)

Where did you get this?

Hank gave it to me.

And you know what,
it's really working.

I can feel something.

Probably embarrassment.

I know what you're thinking,
but this thing is really fun.

You should try it.

You look like Howdy Doody
having a tantrum.

(thud)
Ahh!

Larry: Ow! Ow!
Francine: Oh!

I'm sorry.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.

I'm sorry.
What is that?

(sighs)
It's the... ice pack.

Ugh.

(both sighing)

Where are you going?

Hank wanted me to write
an article about that thing.

Hey, listen, this would be
very awkward for me and Hank

if you did this.

Look at the position
Hank's put me in.

Every celebrity in town is
jumping on the endorsement
bandwagon

of some kind of inferior,
piece of shit product.

It's irresponsible.
People could get hurt.

Well, now you're
starting to sound

like one of those reporters
on "A Current Affair."

You know that?
Yeah, well,
here's something

you never hear
on "A Current Affair"--

ow!-- Fuck you.

Ow.
You know, I don't believe

I ever have heard that
on "A Current Affair."

What Phil and Jerry are doing
here on this typical day

is writing promos
for the various affiliates

across the country.

And we'll be shooting those
this afternoon.

All right, so what do
you got for Dallas?

Come up with something good
for Dallas, boys.

My aunt will be watching.

Ha-ha.

Uh, what about that thing that
you came up with yesterday?

Which one,
the, uh, first one?

No.
The second one?

No, uh, the one you came up
with in the commissary.

Kevin:
Um...

I know it's not my place,
but Larry and Hank

in 10-gallon hats
would be really funny.

(light laughter)

You're a student, right?

Yeah.

What grade are you in?

Morning.

Artie:
Morning, Mr. Sanders!
Morning.

Jerry:
Got those promos.

Finished 'em up.

This is where the writers
give Larry the promos

for his approval.

Uh, gee, I don't think
I'm gonna say "yee-haw."

Uh-oh.
Why not?

It's a cowboy term.

It's funny, it's funny
if you say it, try it.

Yee-haw!

(laughter)

Okay, all right.

Has anybody seen Hank?

I think the wardrobe lady said
that he was gonna come in

at 11:45 to get ready for
the promo shoot in a half hour.

Kevin, right?
Yes, sir.

Good to know.

(door closes)

Larry:
I got to talk to you a second.

Man:
Hey, Larry, we've only got
50 minutes

to get all these promos in,
is that okay with you?

Yeah, it's okay.

I have to talk to you
about the Hankerciser.

You know, I think you should be
doing a stair-climbing machine.

You know, I've been
thinking about it.

You know, and I think
you should call it the, uh,

I don't know,
the Larry Stepper, you know?

Or, uh, no, the Larryciser,
Larryride, Larry...

Listen, you know, Francine
happened to be using that...

Man:
Here we go, in five,
four, three, two...

If laughter's
your strong suit,

then you'll want to get in
on this deal,

"The Larry Sanders Show,"
right here

on Las Vegas' own
Lucky Channel 7.

Hit me.

Man:
We're clear.

She hurt herself...
No, I don't think so.

on the Hankerciser.
I don't...

Yeah, she did.

The doorknob flew right off.
I was in there and the...

Now, did she warm up
properly?

Because, you see...

Man:
Here we go again.

In...
Did she-- did, did...

five, four, three, two...

I don't know if she...

Hello, Kansas City.
Hungry for entertainment?

Try "The Larry Sanders Show"
on KFVD.

You know why,
'cause we like our steaks

the way we like
our talk shows...

Well done.

Man:
We're clear.

Jesus Christ, man,
that is hot.

I still have
the Vegas thing on.

Use your head.
Do you understand what
I'm saying about this?

Yeah, do you understand
I just burned my hands?

She hurt herself while
she was using that thing.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Just tell her to put
some Bengay on it.

Bengay, my ass.

She was so bruised, Hank,
she couldn't have sex, okay?

As I remember, we've set up
a lovely cheese tray

in the green room.

Let's go down
and sample it.

I said let's all go down
and have some fucking cheese.

Could we do the Pittsburgh
promo, please?

Does anybody have
any ice?

I've asked for ice.

(crowd chatter)
Man on TV:
Here we go again.

In... five, four,
three, two...

Nice kids.

How much longer are
they gonna be here?

This should be
their last day.

I just want them
to see a typical day,

and we haven't really had
one yet, have we?

Hank on TV:
Well done.

Fine.
Man on TV:
We're clear.

This should be their--
this will be their last day.

I said fine.
Fine.

...five, four,
three, two...
Fine.

(low voice)
I need to talk to you.

(low voice)
Sure.

Alone, please.
Oh.

Don't mind us, Hank.

Just pretend
we're not here.

Hank:
Alone, goddamn it!

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Whoa-ho-ho, well.

Hmm.

Well, this is something
you don't need to see.

You're just in your late teens,
so let's go, kiddo.

You okay?
Yeah.

I just got off the phone
from that, uh, Belinda Foster

from the, uh,
Shopping Network.

And they're very nervous.
Mm-hmm.

Because some reporter's
going around saying

that the Hankerciser
is defective.

Now, I think I should tell you
that I asked Francine

to do a story
about the Hankerciser.
Yes, I know.

Not that I am accusing her.

Not by any means.

But, uh, could you
do me a favor?

Just ask her to snoop around
to find out who it is.

Hank.
You know, not that I--

I don't think
she's doing it, you know.

Francine is writing
the article.

I knew it, I knew it.
She is a Judas.

What do you expect?

You put your fuckin' name
on every other piece of shit

that comes down the pike.

You know, this is
very important to me.

You know? Not that that
should concern you.

Oh, no, no,
of course not.

We must keep the spotlight
on the great Larry Sanders.

You know, so you get
to have your own show

and I get to have dick.

Could we please stick
to the issue, Hank?

Francine got hurt.

Yeah, right, and now
I have to pay for the fact

that you're back together
with that cunt.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Whoa.

Oh, no.
Whoa.

Oh, no.
Whoa.

Oh, no.
What did you just say?

No, no, I'm so...

You didn't say--
you couldn't have...

I'm sorry.
Did I hear you?

It just-- it just--
I, uh...

I think it's that new
hay fever medication.

I-- I--

I think it has
opium in it.

I just...

Please have pity.
I'm-- I'm drowning.

(door closes)

Hank, here's your schedule
for today.

Bad chiropractor?

No.

Uh, rear-ended?

No.

You slip on the ice?

No, my Hankerciser broke
and I pulled my neck.

I am so sorry, Hank.

Sweet Jesus,
it's a house of cards.

Hank, I'm sure
it was my fault.

I think I hooked it up
to the wrong side
of the door or something.

I'm so sorry.
It's fine.
It's fine.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Darlene,
what happened?

I was rear-ended.

So good to see you.

Huh, you look so...
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

You know, Larry had me
believing

that you were near death.

Hank, I'd like to talk
to you in your office.

Here, let me.

No, I can get it.

I have a bruise the size
of a dinner plate

on my right butt cheek,
okay?
Right.

This is very awkward for me,
but I have to ask you,

did you, uh, did you warm up
properly before exercising?

Because it does say
quite explicitly...

Oh, I read the manual, Hank.

Did you run any safety tests
on that thing?

Uh, is this, uh,
is this off the record?

Hank, the doorknob flew off.

It could've
taken off my head.

Do you have any idea how much
money you could lose

if somebody sues you?

You're scared, aren't you?
I know.

Well, I would be too.

Because, sooner or later,
somebody's gonna get hurt

or maimed
or, God forbid, killed.

Oh, Hank.
Help me.

(crying)
Help me.

I didn't know.

Um, the guy came to me,
you see,

with the thing on paper,
and it looked good.

And he said all I had to do
was put my name on it,

and, uh...
(crying)

I can't find him.
Oh.

I'm so fucked.

Oh, Hank, don't,
please.

Oh, God, Hank.
(crying)

Hank, I'm still
very sore.

I swear to God,

I had no idea
it was defective,

and I wouldn't hurt you.

Oh...

Hank, I'm not gonna write
the article.

You're not toying
with me, are you?

No, I swear I won't.
I'm not-- I won't write it.

But you have to promise me
you'll stop selling that thing.

Thank you.
Okay.

I want to thank you
very much.

All right.
It's okay.

Could you do me one favor?

Uh...

don't tell Larry
how fast I buckled?

(chuckling)

Okay.
No, this is between us.

All right.

He started to cry?
No, he was crying.

He was...

He buckled that fast?

Yes, what was
I supposed to do?

I mean,
he's not a bad guy.

No, but jeez.

Probably would've made
a boring article anyway.

Well, that's great of you

because he really crossed
the line there.

You could've
really nailed him.

I mean...

Besides, I want to-- I want
to finish that article

on cellular phones
and brain tumors

and all that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good.
That's a good idea.

So I'll see you back
at the house.

Okay.
Thank you.

Good job.
Yeah.

How's your leg?

It's--
it's a little sore.

Should be back
to normal soon, I think.
Great.

Okay, bye, Larry.

How much time do you think
it'll take to heal?

Roughly, if you had
to put a time frame on it.

(knocking on door)

Not now, Hank.

Hi.
Hey, come on in.

I just wanted to drop by
to tell you

I had a heart-to-heart
discussion with Francine.

Everything is fine,

and she has decided
not to write the story.

That's great.
Right.

And I got to tell you,
you got a lovely lady there.

You are--
you're very lucky.

I know, I know.
That's how I feel.

And, uh, I want
to apologize again

for what I said about her.

What'd you say?

Said, uh...

Oh, the cunt thing?

You know, you know what
I think has happened,

you remember when we had
the hypnotist on the show?

Uh-huh.
Right, last month.

I think he put
some sort of hex on me.

Yeah, that combined with
the hay fever medication

would-- would drive...
I think so.

That's what it is.

Well, I'm sorry things
didn't work out

with you
and the Hankerciser, though.

Ah, it's okay,
you know.

These things happen.

Actually, uh,
I, uh...

got something brewing with
the Baritor Electronics people.

I'm very excited.
Oh, for God sakes, Hank.

No, no, no, no.
Not to worry.

This is proven technology.
Cellular phones, baby.

Hank?
Yeah.

Sit down.

And I think you'll see
that today

is what I consider
to be a typical day

at "The Larry Sanders Show."

Shi...

(theme song playing)