Original subtitles

(audience laughing)

Larry Sanders: In Washington, the, uh, debate continues over whether or not

to lift the ban on gays in the military, and, uh...

The Marine Corps announced that if the ban is lifted,

they will be changing their slogan from,

"The marines are looking for a few good men" to:

"I think Sarge likes me."

(audience laughing)

If they decide to enforce the ban, on the other hand,

I'm very confused.

Does that mean they're gonna have to take

all the "MASH" episodes and edit out Klinger?

(audience laughing)

Well...

Here comes one with no segue.

It's prom time here

in the high schools across the country.

And, of course, you can tell it's prom time here

in the U.S. for those of you watching because you can tell

because the schools have switched to the more formal,

prettier carnation-covered metal detectors.

(audience laughing)

All right, and Conan O'Brien thinks this is gonna be easy.

We have a great show tonight.

We have Edward James Olmos.

We have Mary Stuart Masterson,

and musician John Wesley Harding.

(cheering and applause)

Don't flip around, we'll be right back.

♪ ♪

Do not flip around.

No flipping.

Man: We're clear!

Artie: The audience was shit, huh?

The sound was no good, it's too hot in here.

The show was fine, but there's something I--

Never mind. Tell me, what?

You know what? There's something that I did

and I want you to tell me that it wasn't a mistake.

That's my job. Good, okay.

I slept with Francine last night.

Don't do this to me-- Don't sweat it, kiddo.

I've gone knocking on my ex-wives' doors

when I was tanked up and horny.

God bless those four little ladies.

You were drunk, right? No.

Spaced out on pills? No.

Well, one night, forget it. Artie...

It was the entire weekend actually.

Tell me.

It wasn't such-- I can't, are you fuckin' insane?

That woman smashed your People's Choice Award.

All right, we'll talk about this later. So, you cheated on her.

So what? Why take it out on the People's Choice Award? You know what?

I don't need to come over here after the monologue (arguing)

and talk to you about my personal problems, and have you talk to me this way.

I can get advice from somebody else.

15 seconds, Mr. Sanders.

Hey, psst.

Big mistake, big, big mistake.

Larry on TV: Hung Far Low, thank you.

My guest tomorrow, Alec Baldwin...

Alec Baldwin. Yeah.

And K.D. Lang...

He'll be a good guest. Yeah, he'll be a good guest, maybe, I don't know.

He's never-- I don't think he's ever been on the show before.

No, he'll be good, he's very funny.

I know him, you know.

You know Alec Baldwin?

I didn't know you knew Alec Baldwin.

Well, yeah, you know him, too.

Remember, we met him that time with the--

(clears throat)

the charity ball we used to go to. Which one?

I don't know. Cystic Fibrosis?

No, it was-- it wasn't Muscular Dystrophy,

but it was like that-- No. Lupus?

Was it the Asthma Foundation?

It was Multiple Sclerosis.

Multiple Sclerosis benefit. Oh, that was a good one, yeah.

And I met him there, and then, um,

he called me up after we got divorced and we went out.

Well, he's gay, you know.

He is not gay. He's gay, he's gay.

No, I can tell you, he's definitely not gay.

Gayer than a French horn.

I can tell you, he's hugely gay.

I had sex with him.

Is that gonna be a problem for you?

No, I'll tell him you said hi...

when I see him. Okay.

Ask him if the clutch is still sticking on the Saab.

No, don't, don't, don't... He'll laugh, no, it's good, He'll laugh.

It'll be good for your show. Don't push, don't push me.

"With an estimated completion date of January 1995.

"The restaurant--"

No, no, the, uh, the plan, if I may

was to complete Hank's Look Around Cafe

on August 23rd, this year, that's my, my birthday.

Can't move my birthday back.

What else does my jackass business manager have to say?

"Mr. Kingsley, restaurants rotate

"when they are at top of buildings.

"Your place is at street level.

"There is no view."

He does not get it.

You see, the point is, it's not the view.

The point is when you eat at Hank's,

you and your food

are going on an adventure.

Maybe you should just forget

the rotating floor and get the place going.

Forget the rotating floor.

Come on, take a message.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Well, sir, thank you.

But I am a visionary.

So, I'd like you to take your opinion

and shove it right up your ass.

Regards, Hank Kingsley.

Fax that back to him.

But he's saying you don't have enough money to make it rotate.

Fine, then I will get investors.

It just so happens, I am on a, uh,

first-name basis with some of the most influential,

some of the most powerful people in this business.

So...

Get Chuck Woolery on the phone.

(knock on door) Yeah?

What a beautiful day for a TV show.

Hey, Artie, where are the Alec Baldwin notes?

I can't find them.

Well, last-minute change of plans, I canceled him.

Why?

We canceled Alec Baldwin because

Arsenio had Billy Baldwin last week.

Right, I saw that.

And Leno had Stephen Baldwin just last night. Right.

And these Baldwin boys seem to be multiplying

like fucking jack rabbits.

You know, you're right, good, good.

All right, well, who have we got then?

We've got a young man with no arms who plays the piano.

True triumph of the spirit.

What's he play it with?

His ass, I suppose, uh, and we've got Ed Begley.

Good mix.

Hey, Artie, Artie? Listen...

Book Alec Baldwin on the show.

But this is a bad idea.

Remember what happened with all those Carradines?

Come here, come here, look.

I know what you're doing.

I'm telling you, I can handle this.

Handle what?

I know that Francine used to date Alec Baldwin, okay?

Who told you that? She did, she told me.

Who told you, by the way?

Who told you, Artie?

I saw them together, you know?

At a rolling disco party a few years ago.

Ahh... Jesus.

Why'd you have to tell me?

Look, uh...

You don't want him on the show.

I've seen this kind of thing before.

You're interviewing him.

You're laughing along with Alec Baldwin and then you blink.

And you see him screwing your lovely Francine.

You see her face.

You see his face slobbering in her ear.

You see the legs all entangled.

You hear the grunts.

All right, all right!

All right.

If I cancel, don't I look like a jerk? Come on.

No, Paula looks like a jerk.

All right.

Cancel him.

Consider him canceled.

Artie? Artie!

Hey!

Book him.

Book him on the show tonight.

This is a big mistake.

A big, big mistake.

Okay, did he come out yet? Oh, what is this?

Oh, a little sweet talk that never hurt anybody.

Oh, "Get Christie Love."

What, are you all waiting to meet the guy

who plays the piano with his ass?

Oh, I thought he used something else.

Hey, look at me.

That's in bad taste.

Larry, how well do you know Alec Baldwin?

Don't.

Because a friend of mine's a wardrobe person

on "Knots Landing", and she said he had sex with half the town.

Which town?

Knots Landing. Oh.

Larry. Alec.

Hey.

Uh, Alec, this is, uh, Darlene and Paula and Beverly.

Nice to see you again. Hey, good to see you, again, how are you?

Hi, I'm Beverly. Nice to meet you.

Good to see ya.

That, uh, that girl Darlene.

Did she used to work on "Knots Landing" do you know?

No, I don't think so.

I think she worked at Knott's Berry Farm for a short time.

Maybe that's where you know her from.

Hey, uh, uh, you still with Kim Basinger, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah-- oh, yeah, absolutely, yeah.

Hey, my wife, uh, ex-wife, Francine says to say hi.

Francine...

Sanders?

Oh... Yeah.

You're kidding? No.

How is she doing?

Well, she's great, she's absolutely great, you know.

She is quite a woman, Francine. Yeah.

We had some really, really wild times together.

'Course, that was back in those crazier days, you know?

Oh, yeah, well, that was mid to late '80s, right, everybody...

But, you know, she is a little flakey, I think,

and to be quite frank, I can see why you'd wanna get out of that whole thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, you don't have a problem

with she and I, you know, after your divorce...

No, I have no problem with it.

This phrase, be my guest, comes to mind, you know what I mean?

So, everything's okay with you and me?

Are you kidding? It couldn't be better.

Come on, I'm thrilled you're here.

Fantastic. Don't worry about it.

Larry, could I ask you a favor? Hey, call me Lar.

Could you book my brother on the show?

Which one, Billy?

No, Daniel, he's on that series "Homicide."

He's a big fan of the program. Yeah, I'll see what I can do.

You know, I'm not in charge of the bookings,

but sure, I'll take care of it.

Hey, listen, uh, let's not bring this thing

about Francine up on the show, all right?

Wouldn't dream of it, Lar. Good.

And try to talk up when you're out there on the air.

Yup.

(whispering) Oh, boy, I don't see it.

Are you gonna be able to stay for the rest of the evening?

Can I?

All right. (cheering and applause)

The people have spoken.

Some of the people have spoken.

The people in the audience.

The people around the country are going,

"Oh, he's staying the whole night."

(audience laughing)

Ed, we're always happy to have you here. Likewise.

Now, my next guest is a, uh, wonderful actor who's, uh,

appeared in such films as "Glengarry Glen Ross."

He'll soon be seen in a new film

called "Malice" with, uh, Nicole Kidman.

And then in "The Getaway" with, uh, Kim Basinger.

Ladies and gentlemen, Alec Baldwin.

(cheering and applause)

(band playing)

I'm sorry, Alec, they're still hooting from my monologue.

Ah.

Nice to have you here, and, uh...

Great to be here.

I enjoyed you, uh, a lot in "Glengarry Glen Ross."

Thank you. A wonderful movie.

(cheering and applause)

And, uh, tell me what you've been doing lately?

Well, actually, Larry, you know,

you and I have something in common.

Yes?

Yes, we do.

A lot of you probably don't know that Alec and I, uh,

well, Alec used to actually date my ex-wife, uh, Francine.

(audience "oohing")

No, I was referring to our charity work

with Multiple Sclerosis.

(audience laughing)

I know.

I know that, too.

Let's take a little commercial break,

and, uh, we'll come right back with, uh, more of Alec Baldwin.

(applause)

(band playing)

Man: And we're clear!

I wasn't going in that direction.

I know, I know.

I just did that 'cause, you know,

the audience loves that stuff.

Excuse me for just a second.

(band continues playing)

(Larry clears throat)

You were 100% right, from the time he walked out,

all I saw was him fucking her.

And she was on top. That lazy bastard.

I'm gonna get rid of him now before something ugly happens.

Artie, I'm fine, I'm fine. You okay?

I'm a professional.

So, as an investor, you'd be making the restaurant go around.

Me, I'm-- well, I'm just the symbol.

I'm, I'm just the face on the menu.

I'd have to talk to my business manager.

I'm sorry, what?

I said, I'd have to talk it over with my business manager.

Come on, those guys don't know jack shit.

Listen, I'm not asking you, I'm begging you.

Let me kick his ass off the show.

No-no, no-no, I think I can handle it.

What's the color of my tie?

Blue. That part is.

That's the part I was looking at.

Good, get back in there.

(band continues to play)

(sighs)

Listen, Larry.

I'm beginning to get a little uncomfortable with this Francine business.

Could we not talk about it anymore?

Man: Back in five!

Yeah, you got it.

(band music ends)

Larry: All right, we're back.

(cheering and applause)

We're back with Ed Begley and Alec Baldwin.

And, uh, we were just discussing the charity work

we both do for Multiple Sclerosis.

Ed: Hey, me, too.

Ed, I didn't know you did--

Do you do charity work for, uh, MS?

No, I mean I dated Francine also.

(audience laughing)

(forced laugh)

All right, Ed, you had your turn.

I'll say. Um...

(audience reacts)

I, uh, I met her at one of my roller skating parties actually.

Wait a minute, Ed, Francine was my date

at the roller skating party.

It's a roller disco party.

Sign on the wall said "all skate."

It said, what? All skate.

And what does "all skate" mean?

Well, it means, anybody can do whatever they want.

So, you did it on wheels?

(audience laughing from TV)

Larry: Well, before we go on, is anybody else, uh,

either, uh, been with or skated with my ex-wife?

How about the guy who plays piano with his ass?

(TV turns off)

(sighs)

I can't believe you were talking about me on the show.

I mean, what--

What do you think the odds are

that you would've slept with the same three people on,

on one show in one night?

Three? Yeah.

Three, it was like a theme show.

Who's the third?

Me, that would be me, I would be the third.

Oh, I didn't realize you were counting the host.

Yeah, yeah, uh, I was, I was counting the host.

Right, thank god, my mother doesn't watch the show.

Look, why didn't you mention something about Ed Begley

last night when we were talking about it?

Well, I didn't know that Ed was gonna be on the show

because we were so busy talking about... Alec.

How odd when you're sitting there hosting a talk show,

and everyone pipes in and goes...

Everyone? "I, I was with your ex-wife."

Everyone? I didn't sleep with everyone.

I slept with you, and I slept with Alec Baldwin.

I did not sleep with Ed Begley, and I did not sleep

with the man who plays the piano with his ass!

I mean, my god, maybe I should just make you a list

of everybody I've ever slept with.

Look, you know what? Maybe you should.

Maybe that would help you be prepared next time.

That's not a bad idea.

You want a list?

I would-- a list, why not?

Okay, all right, great. Good, good.

This is really good. I'd like a list.

And, uh, I'll be wanting a list from you.

That's a different thing.

That's a totally different thing.

You don't have to talk to the women that I slept with.

My list will include...

Uh, let's see, um, legitimate acts of, um, penetration.

Oral sex.

And, uh, I think, I think heavy petting, don't you?

I think narrowing it down like this,

I'm not gonna have any names on my list.

(nervous chuckle)

(Francine thinking out loud)

I don't think we need to do this right now.

Oh, no, I wanna do it now.

My memory is feeling incredibly sharp at this moment.

Oh, good, good, good to know.

Um...

You know, you shouldn't write so fast.

You're gonna pull something.

You'll put your-- well, you could,

you could throw your wrist right out there.

You know, you're right, you're right, um...

I think I'm gonna need more time, so, um...

I'll, uh, I'll come back tomorrow at 11:00, and, um,

and we'll exchange our lists, what do you think?

11:00? Okay, yeah.

Okay, that'll be-- that's... Good night.

That's perfect. See you later.

Yeah, this is really good, I think.

(door opens)

(door bangs shut)

(distant phone rings)

(knock on door, door opens)

Yeah?

How'd that Alec Baldwin thing go over on the home front?

We didn't, uh, watch it last night, Artie.

Horse shit.

She's already got you lying to your friends again, huh?

That's a big mistake, big, big.

Big mistake, big mistake.

What are you doing there?

Huh? Nothing, I'm going through my--

Making my Christmas card list, uh...

Listen, boy.

This is beginning to worry me.

You need me?

(whispers) Close the door.

Come here, come here.

Who's the, um...

Who's, who's the blonde-- the girlfriend on, uh, "Perfect Strangers?"

Uh, Melanie Wilson?

No, that's, uh, Balki's girlfriend.

Oh, you mean, uh, Rebeca, Rebeca Arthur.

Why? Yeah.

What are you doing, Larry?

You know, she, uh...

(stammering)

Francine and I had an argument.

And we decided to make a list of everyone we slept with, and...

And you're doing it? Yeah...

Why, you don't think I should?

No, I mean, I mean, people have the discussion,

but nobody actually makes the list.

Yeah, well, I'm doing it.

Well, can I see it? No.

Well, come on, you might wanna run it by-- No, come on, hey.

You might wanna run it by me.

I can show you how a woman would react.

All right. Okay.

I'll be Francine and, and you be Larry.

Okay, give it right back, I got a couple...

Okay.

Adrienne Barbeau?!

Why, you no-good, star-screwing bastard!

You get you and your things

and you get the hell out of here!

(shouting) I never wanna see your ugly ass again!

(doorbell rings)

Artie, just come in.

You know, I have, uh...

This is a list of every man that Francine has slept with.

(chuckles) Funny. New sketch, right?

No, not a sketch.

This is actually a list of every man she's been with.

How'd you get that? Private investigator?

She gave it to me.

Oh, I told you that she's nuts.

Phew, Jesus Christ, that's hefty.

It's a two-pager at least. Yeah, well...

It's gotta be 85 to 100 names in there.

Yeah, I'm not gonna look at it.

What? I'm not gonna look at it.

You're making a mistake, a big, big mistake.

(knock on door) Come in.

Why, Francine, what a delight to see you, my dear.

We've all missed you.

Thank you, Artie.

May I say you're as beautiful as ever.

You've done something different with your hair?

Yes, Artie, I cut it shorter.

You're looking very well yourself. How's, um...

Wonderfully, she's just doing wonderfully. Good.

I'll send her your regards.

Good.

If you don't mind, excuse me.

I have a paycheck to earn.

He hasn't changed a bit.

No. (chuckles)

I haven't, uh...

I haven't looked at the list yet.

Me neither.

Really? 'Cause...

Well, then, we should just really rip them up, don't you think?

Don't you think, well, we just...

got carried away and this whole thing

got out of hand. Yeah.

We should just rip them up. Just, let's rip them up.

Let's-- hand, hand it to me,

and I will rip them up

right, right here and now, I'm a, I'm a human shredder.

This is going to feel

very good.

Wanna rip some pieces up?

This feels good, you're gonna feel a lot-- you are gonna--

Why don't you just give me the ones you screwed

while we were married, I'm making a collage.

All right.

You know...

I realized that, uh, Mm-hmm.

the only reason I went out with Alec and Ed Mm-hmm.

was because I wanted to hurt... you.

Mm-hmm.

I can't believe it took six years

for you to find out!

I'm sorry.

I've been really busy.

I did hurt you, didn't I?

Really hurt me. Good.

So, in a way, it's a tie.

No, it is not a tie.

I was so faithful to you.

There's a big difference.

I didn't cheat on you!

Knock, knock, knock.

Excuse me, folks.

Oh, Francine, good, you'll be interested in this.

As Hank's Look Around Cafe spins...

so will your head as you receive your profit statements.

And... shoot.

Wait a minute.

Am I interrupting something here?

No, no, there's still ten minutes left to do before the show.

(Hank bangs loudly) Hank, what is that?

Is the crank stuck on your model? Yeah.

Does the restaurant have a big crank outside?

That's kind of inconvenient, isn't it, that you have

to rush outside every time you want the floor to turn?

Have to send someone out there.

Hank, could you please leave us alone?

You should just get a little...

Right. ...bar out there.

Yeah, I'm just gonna leave this here.

Can we talk about this later, please? Yeah.

And the name Hank? Yeah.

Uh, that's, uh, you know, it's not set in stone.

(sighs)

He's, uh...

He probably built this on his own is the sad part.

I think maybe we're moving too fast here.

You know? Yeah, yeah.

We're trying to cover too much ground.

Yeah-- no, that's... right.

We've only had, like, four dates.

Well, five if you wanna... Yeah.

count that time in the car.

(both chuckle)

Which, by the way, is not a piece of shit Saab,

I might say. Right, so...

Why don't we just forget about all this for a while. Yes, yes.

And just-- and we'll just see how things go.

Wanna do that? Okay?

That's a great idea. Good.

So, then, we'll just, uh...

kind of...

(both chuckling)

What?

See what happens and, and, uh,

if things go well, you can ream me out later.

It'll be my pleasure.

Really? Yeah.

Okay, I look forward to that.

We're back with, uh... (applause)

Of course, uh, Daniel Baldwin.

Now, now, let's talk about, uh, "Homicide" which I love.

I think it's a wonderful series and...

Thank you. (cheering and applause)

You got a lot of fans out there.

Larry, I, I have to tell you, though, you know,

you and I have something in common.

(audience reacts)

Oh, well, do we-- uh, evidently, you're speaking

of the charity work that we do, uh...

No-no-no-no-no-no-no.

I never considered it charity.

But, actually, I used to do your ex-wife.

(audience laughing and whooping)

All right, so, you brought a clip from "Homicide", didn't you?

We have a clip, let me set it up--

Yeah, let's get right to the clip.

No, you don't need to set it up, let's just get right--

(arguing) No-no, we're good, we're doing the clip.

They've got a special zoning rule.

♪ ♪