All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S02E03_English

(audience laughing)

Larry Sanders:
In Washington, the, uh, debate
continues over whether or not

to lift the ban on gays in
the military, and, uh...

The Marine Corps announced
that if the ban is lifted,

they will be changing
their slogan from,

"The marines are looking
for a few good men" to:

"I think Sarge likes me."

(audience laughing)

If they decide to enforce
the ban, on the other hand,

I'm very confused.

Does that mean they're gonna
have to take

all the "MASH" episodes
and edit out Klinger?

(audience laughing)

Well...

Here comes one with no segue.

It's prom time here

in the high schools
across the country.

And, of course, you can tell
it's prom time here

in the U.S. for those of you
watching because you can tell

because the schools have
switched to the more formal,

prettier carnation-covered
metal detectors.

(audience laughing)

All right, and Conan O'Brien
thinks this is gonna be easy.

We have a great show tonight.

We have Edward James Olmos.

We have Mary Stuart Masterson,

and musician
John Wesley Harding.

(cheering and applause)

Don't flip around,
we'll be right back.

♪ ♪

Do not flip around.

No flipping.

Man:
We're clear!

Artie:
The audience was shit, huh?

The sound was no good,
it's too hot in here.

The show was fine,
but there's something I--

Never mind.
Tell me, what?

You know what?
There's something that I did

and I want you to tell me
that it wasn't a mistake.

That's my job.
Good, okay.

I slept with Francine
last night.

Don't do this to me--
Don't sweat it, kiddo.

I've gone knocking
on my ex-wives' doors

when I was
tanked up and horny.

God bless those
four little ladies.

You were drunk, right?
No.

Spaced out on pills?
No.

Well, one night,
forget it.
Artie...

It was the entire weekend
actually.

Tell me.

It wasn't such-- I can't,
are you fuckin' insane?

That woman smashed
your People's Choice Award.

All right, we'll talk
about this later.
So, you cheated on her.

So what? Why take it out
on the People's Choice Award?
You know what?

I don't need to come over here
after the monologue
(arguing)

and talk to you about my
personal problems, and have
you talk to me this way.

I can get advice
from somebody else.

15 seconds, Mr. Sanders.

Hey, psst.

Big mistake,
big, big mistake.

Larry on TV:
Hung Far Low, thank you.

My guest tomorrow,
Alec Baldwin...

Alec Baldwin.
Yeah.

And K.D. Lang...

He'll be a good guest.
Yeah, he'll be a good guest,
maybe, I don't know.

He's never--
I don't think he's
ever been on the show before.

No, he'll be good,
he's very funny.

I know him, you know.

You know Alec Baldwin?

I didn't know
you knew Alec Baldwin.

Well, yeah, you know him, too.

Remember, we met him that time
with the--

(clears throat)

the charity ball
we used to go to.
Which one?

I don't know.
Cystic Fibrosis?

No, it was-- it wasn't
Muscular Dystrophy,

but it was like that-- No.
Lupus?

Was it the Asthma Foundation?

It was Multiple Sclerosis.

Multiple Sclerosis benefit.
Oh, that was a good one, yeah.

And I met him there,
and then, um,

he called me up after we got
divorced and we went out.

Well, he's gay, you know.

He is not gay.
He's gay, he's gay.

No, I can tell you,
he's definitely not gay.

Gayer than a French horn.

I can tell you,
he's hugely gay.

I had sex with him.

Is that gonna be
a problem for you?

No, I'll tell him
you said hi...

when I see him.
Okay.

Ask him if the clutch
is still sticking on the Saab.

No, don't, don't, don't...
He'll laugh, no, it's good,
He'll laugh.

It'll be good for your show.
Don't push, don't push me.

"With an estimated completion
date of January 1995.

"The restaurant--"

No, no, the, uh,
the plan, if I may

was to complete
Hank's Look Around Cafe

on August 23rd, this year,
that's my, my birthday.

Can't move my birthday back.

What else does my jackass
business manager have to say?

"Mr. Kingsley,
restaurants rotate

"when they are at
top of buildings.

"Your place is at
street level.

"There is no view."

He does not get it.

You see, the point is,
it's not the view.

The point is when you eat
at Hank's,

you and your food

are going on an adventure.

Maybe you should
just forget

the rotating floor
and get the place going.

Forget the rotating floor.

Come on, take a message.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Well, sir, thank you.

But I am a visionary.

So, I'd like you
to take your opinion

and shove it
right up your ass.

Regards, Hank Kingsley.

Fax that back to him.

But he's saying
you don't have enough
money to make it rotate.

Fine, then I will
get investors.

It just so happens,
I am on a, uh,

first-name basis with some of
the most influential,

some of the most powerful
people in this business.

So...

Get Chuck Woolery
on the phone.

(knock on door)
Yeah?

What a beautiful day
for a TV show.

Hey, Artie, where are
the Alec Baldwin notes?

I can't find them.

Well, last-minute change
of plans, I canceled him.

Why?

We canceled
Alec Baldwin because

Arsenio had Billy Baldwin
last week.

Right, I saw that.

And Leno had Stephen Baldwin
just last night.
Right.

And these Baldwin boys
seem to be multiplying

like fucking jack rabbits.

You know, you're right,
good, good.

All right, well,
who have we got then?

We've got a young man with
no arms who plays the piano.

True triumph of the spirit.

What's he play it with?

His ass, I suppose, uh,
and we've got Ed Begley.

Good mix.

Hey, Artie, Artie?
Listen...

Book Alec Baldwin
on the show.

But this is a bad idea.

Remember what happened
with all those Carradines?

Come here, come here, look.

I know what you're doing.

I'm telling you,
I can handle this.

Handle what?

I know that Francine used
to date Alec Baldwin, okay?

Who told you that?
She did, she told me.

Who told you, by the way?

Who told you, Artie?

I saw them together,
you know?

At a rolling disco party
a few years ago.

Ahh... Jesus.

Why'd you have to tell me?

Look, uh...

You don't want him
on the show.

I've seen this kind
of thing before.

You're interviewing him.

You're laughing along
with Alec Baldwin and then
you blink.

And you see him screwing
your lovely Francine.

You see her face.

You see his face
slobbering in her ear.

You see the legs
all entangled.

You hear the grunts.

All right, all right!

All right.

If I cancel, don't I look
like a jerk? Come on.

No, Paula looks like a jerk.

All right.

Cancel him.

Consider him canceled.

Artie? Artie!

Hey!

Book him.

Book him on the show tonight.

This is a big mistake.

A big, big mistake.

Okay, did he come out yet?
Oh, what is this?

Oh, a little sweet talk
that never hurt anybody.

Oh, "Get Christie Love."

What, are you all waiting
to meet the guy

who plays the piano
with his ass?

Oh, I thought he used
something else.

Hey, look at me.

That's in bad taste.

Larry, how well do you
know Alec Baldwin?

Don't.

Because a friend of mine's
a wardrobe person

on "Knots Landing",
and she said he had sex
with half the town.

Which town?

Knots Landing.
Oh.

Larry.
Alec.

Hey.

Uh, Alec, this is, uh,
Darlene and Paula and Beverly.

Nice to see you again.
Hey, good to see you,
again, how are you?

Hi, I'm Beverly.
Nice to meet you.

Good to see ya.

That, uh, that girl Darlene.

Did she used to work on
"Knots Landing" do you know?

No, I don't think so.

I think she worked at Knott's
Berry Farm for a short time.

Maybe that's where
you know her from.

Hey, uh, uh, you still with
Kim Basinger, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah-- oh, yeah,
absolutely, yeah.

Hey, my wife, uh, ex-wife,
Francine says to say hi.

Francine...

Sanders?

Oh...
Yeah.

You're kidding?
No.

How is she doing?

Well, she's great, she's
absolutely great, you know.

She is quite a woman,
Francine.
Yeah.

We had some really, really
wild times together.

'Course, that was
back in those crazier days,
you know?

Oh, yeah, well,
that was mid to late '80s,
right, everybody...

But, you know, she is
a little flakey, I think,

and to be quite frank,
I can see why you'd wanna
get out of that whole thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, you don't
have a problem

with she and I, you know,
after your divorce...

No, I have no problem
with it.

This phrase, be my guest,
comes to mind,
you know what I mean?

So, everything's okay
with you and me?

Are you kidding?
It couldn't be better.

Come on,
I'm thrilled you're here.

Fantastic.
Don't worry about it.

Larry, could I
ask you a favor?
Hey, call me Lar.

Could you book
my brother on the show?

Which one, Billy?

No, Daniel, he's on
that series "Homicide."

He's a big fan
of the program.
Yeah, I'll see what I can do.

You know, I'm not in charge
of the bookings,

but sure,
I'll take care of it.

Hey, listen, uh, let's not
bring this thing

about Francine up
on the show, all right?

Wouldn't dream of it, Lar.
Good.

And try to talk up when
you're out there on the air.

Yup.

(whispering)
Oh, boy, I don't see it.

Are you gonna be able to stay
for the rest of the evening?

Can I?

All right.
(cheering and applause)

The people have spoken.

Some of the people
have spoken.

The people in the audience.

The people around the country
are going,

"Oh, he's staying
the whole night."

(audience laughing)

Ed, we're always happy
to have you here.
Likewise.

Now, my next guest is a, uh,
wonderful actor who's, uh,

appeared in such films
as "Glengarry Glen Ross."

He'll soon be seen
in a new film

called "Malice" with,
uh, Nicole Kidman.

And then in "The Getaway"
with, uh, Kim Basinger.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Alec Baldwin.

(cheering and applause)

(band playing)

I'm sorry, Alec, they're still
hooting from my monologue.

Ah.

Nice to have you here,
and, uh...

Great to be here.

I enjoyed you, uh, a lot
in "Glengarry Glen Ross."

Thank you.
A wonderful movie.

(cheering and applause)

And, uh, tell me what you've
been doing lately?

Well, actually, Larry,
you know,

you and I have
something in common.

Yes?

Yes, we do.

A lot of you probably don't
know that Alec and I, uh,

well, Alec used to actually
date my ex-wife, uh, Francine.

(audience "oohing")

No, I was referring to our
charity work

with Multiple Sclerosis.

(audience laughing)

I know.

I know that, too.

Let's take a little
commercial break,

and, uh,
we'll come right back with,
uh, more of Alec Baldwin.

(applause)

(band playing)

Man:
And we're clear!

I wasn't going
in that direction.

I know, I know.

I just did that
'cause, you know,

the audience loves
that stuff.

Excuse me for just a second.

(band continues playing)

(Larry clears throat)

You were 100% right,
from the time he walked out,

all I saw was him
fucking her.

And she was on top.
That lazy bastard.

I'm gonna get rid of him now
before something ugly happens.

Artie, I'm fine, I'm fine.
You okay?

I'm a professional.

So, as an investor,
you'd be making the restaurant
go around.

Me, I'm-- well,
I'm just the symbol.

I'm, I'm just the face
on the menu.

I'd have to talk
to my business manager.

I'm sorry, what?

I said, I'd have to talk it
over with my business manager.

Come on, those guys
don't know jack shit.

Listen, I'm not asking you,
I'm begging you.

Let me kick his ass
off the show.

No-no, no-no, I think
I can handle it.

What's the color of my tie?

Blue.
That part is.

That's the part
I was looking at.

Good, get back in there.

(band continues to play)

(sighs)

Listen, Larry.

I'm beginning to get
a little uncomfortable
with this Francine business.

Could we not talk
about it anymore?

Man:
Back in five!

Yeah, you got it.

(band music ends)

Larry:
All right, we're back.

(cheering and applause)

We're back with Ed Begley
and Alec Baldwin.

And, uh, we were just
discussing the charity work

we both do for
Multiple Sclerosis.

Ed:
Hey, me, too.

Ed, I didn't know you did--

Do you do charity
work for, uh, MS?

No, I mean I dated
Francine also.

(audience laughing)

(forced laugh)

All right, Ed,
you had your turn.

I'll say. Um...

(audience reacts)

I, uh, I met her at
one of my roller skating
parties actually.

Wait a minute, Ed,
Francine was my date

at the roller skating party.

It's a roller disco party.

Sign on the wall
said "all skate."

It said, what?
All skate.

And what does
"all skate" mean?

Well, it means, anybody can do
whatever they want.

So, you did it on wheels?

(audience laughing from TV)

Larry:
Well, before we go on,
is anybody else, uh,

either, uh, been with
or skated with my ex-wife?

How about the guy who
plays piano with his ass?

(TV turns off)

(sighs)

I can't believe you were
talking about me on the show.

I mean, what--

What do you think
the odds are

that you would've slept with
the same three people on,

on one show in one night?

Three?
Yeah.

Three, it was like
a theme show.

Who's the third?

Me, that would be me,
I would be the third.

Oh, I didn't realize
you were counting the host.

Yeah, yeah, uh, I was,
I was counting the host.

Right, thank god, my mother
doesn't watch the show.

Look, why didn't you mention
something about Ed Begley

last night when
we were talking about it?

Well, I didn't know that
Ed was gonna be on the show

because we were so busy
talking about... Alec.

How odd when you're sitting
there hosting a talk show,

and everyone pipes
in and goes...

Everyone?
"I, I was with your ex-wife."

Everyone? I didn't
sleep with everyone.

I slept with you,
and I slept with Alec Baldwin.

I did not sleep
with Ed Begley,
and I did not sleep

with the man who plays
the piano with his ass!

I mean, my god, maybe I should
just make you a list

of everybody I've ever
slept with.

Look, you know what?
Maybe you should.

Maybe that
would help you
be prepared next time.

That's not a bad idea.

You want a list?

I would-- a list, why not?

Okay, all right, great.
Good, good.

This is really good.
I'd like a list.

And, uh, I'll be wanting
a list from you.

That's a different thing.

That's a totally
different thing.

You don't have to talk to the
women that I slept with.

My list will include...

Uh, let's see, um, legitimate
acts of, um, penetration.

Oral sex.

And, uh, I think, I think
heavy petting, don't you?

I think narrowing
it down like this,

I'm not gonna have
any names on my list.

(nervous chuckle)

(Francine thinking out loud)

I don't think we need
to do this right now.

Oh, no, I wanna do it now.

My memory is feeling
incredibly sharp
at this moment.

Oh, good, good,
good to know.

Um...

You know, you shouldn't
write so fast.

You're gonna pull something.

You'll put your--
well, you could,

you could throw your
wrist right out there.

You know, you're right,
you're right, um...

I think I'm gonna need more
time, so, um...

I'll, uh, I'll come back
tomorrow at 11:00, and, um,

and we'll exchange our lists,
what do you think?

11:00?
Okay, yeah.

Okay, that'll be-- that's...
Good night.

That's perfect.
See you later.

Yeah, this is really good,
I think.

(door opens)

(door bangs shut)

(distant phone rings)

(knock on door, door opens)

Yeah?

How'd that Alec Baldwin thing
go over on the home front?

We didn't, uh, watch it last
night, Artie.

Horse shit.

She's already got you lying
to your friends again, huh?

That's a big mistake,
big, big.

Big mistake, big mistake.

What are you doing there?

Huh? Nothing,
I'm going through my--

Making my Christmas
card list, uh...

Listen, boy.

This is beginning to worry me.

You need me?

(whispers)
Close the door.

Come here, come here.

Who's the, um...

Who's, who's the blonde--
the girlfriend on, uh,
"Perfect Strangers?"

Uh, Melanie Wilson?

No, that's, uh,
Balki's girlfriend.

Oh, you mean, uh,
Rebeca, Rebeca Arthur.

Why?
Yeah.

What are you doing, Larry?

You know, she, uh...

(stammering)

Francine and I had
an argument.

And we decided
to make a list of
everyone we slept with, and...

And you're doing it?
Yeah...

Why, you don't think
I should?

No, I mean, I mean,
people have the discussion,

but nobody actually
makes the list.

Yeah, well, I'm doing it.

Well, can I see it?
No.

Well, come on, you might
wanna run it by--
No, come on, hey.

You might wanna run it by me.

I can show you how
a woman would react.

All right.
Okay.

I'll be Francine and,
and you be Larry.

Okay, give it right back,
I got a couple...

Okay.

Adrienne Barbeau?!

Why, you no-good,
star-screwing bastard!

You get you and your things

and you get
the hell out of here!

(shouting)
I never wanna see
your ugly ass again!

(doorbell rings)

Artie, just come in.

You know, I have, uh...

This is a list of every man
that Francine has slept with.

(chuckles)
Funny. New sketch, right?

No, not a sketch.

This is actually a list
of every man she's been with.

How'd you get that?
Private investigator?

She gave it to me.

Oh, I told you
that she's nuts.

Phew, Jesus Christ,
that's hefty.

It's a two-pager at least.
Yeah, well...

It's gotta be 85
to 100 names in there.

Yeah, I'm not
gonna look at it.

What?
I'm not gonna look at it.

You're making a mistake,
a big, big mistake.

(knock on door)
Come in.

Why, Francine, what a delight
to see you, my dear.

We've all missed you.

Thank you, Artie.

May I say you're
as beautiful as ever.

You've done something
different with your hair?

Yes, Artie, I cut it shorter.

You're looking very well
yourself. How's, um...

Wonderfully, she's just doing
wonderfully.
Good.

I'll send her your regards.

Good.

If you don't mind,
excuse me.

I have a paycheck to earn.

He hasn't changed a bit.

No.
(chuckles)

I haven't, uh...

I haven't looked
at the list yet.

Me neither.

Really? 'Cause...

Well, then, we should just
really rip them up,
don't you think?

Don't you think,
well, we just...

got carried away
and this whole thing

got out of hand.
Yeah.

We should just rip them up.
Just, let's rip them up.

Let's-- hand, hand it to me,

and I will rip them up

right, right here and now,
I'm a, I'm a human shredder.

This is going to feel

very good.

Wanna rip some pieces up?

This feels good, you're gonna
feel a lot-- you are gonna--

Why don't you just give me
the ones you screwed

while we were married,
I'm making a collage.

All right.

You know...

I realized that, uh,
Mm-hmm.

the only reason I went out
with Alec and Ed
Mm-hmm.

was because I wanted
to hurt... you.

Mm-hmm.

I can't believe it took
six years

for you to find out!

I'm sorry.

I've been really busy.

I did hurt you, didn't I?

Really hurt me.
Good.

So, in a way,
it's a tie.

No, it is not a tie.

I was so faithful to you.

There's a big difference.

I didn't cheat on you!

Knock, knock, knock.

Excuse me, folks.

Oh, Francine, good,
you'll be interested in this.

As Hank's Look Around Cafe
spins...

so will your head
as you receive
your profit statements.

And... shoot.

Wait a minute.

Am I interrupting
something here?

No, no, there's still
ten minutes left to do
before the show.

(Hank bangs loudly)
Hank, what is that?

Is the crank stuck
on your model?
Yeah.

Does the restaurant
have a big crank outside?

That's kind of inconvenient,
isn't it, that you have

to rush outside every time
you want the floor to turn?

Have to send
someone out there.

Hank, could you please
leave us alone?

You should just
get a little...

Right.
...bar out there.

Yeah, I'm just gonna
leave this here.

Can we talk about
this later, please?
Yeah.

And the name Hank?
Yeah.

Uh, that's, uh, you know,
it's not set in stone.

(sighs)

He's, uh...

He probably built this
on his own is the sad part.

I think maybe we're moving
too fast here.

You know?
Yeah, yeah.

We're trying to cover
too much ground.

Yeah-- no, that's... right.

We've only had,
like, four dates.

Well, five if you wanna...
Yeah.

count that time in the car.

(both chuckle)

Which, by the way,
is not a piece of shit Saab,

I might say.
Right, so...

Why don't we just forget
about all this for a while.
Yes, yes.

And just-- and we'll just see
how things go.

Wanna do that?
Okay?

That's a great idea.
Good.

So, then, we'll just, uh...

kind of...

(both chuckling)

What?

See what happens
and, and, uh,

if things go well,
you can ream me out later.

It'll be my pleasure.

Really?
Yeah.

Okay, I look forward to that.

We're back with, uh...
(applause)

Of course, uh, Daniel Baldwin.

Now, now, let's talk about,
uh, "Homicide" which I love.

I think it's a wonderful
series and...

Thank you.
(cheering and applause)

You got a lot of fans
out there.

Larry, I, I have to tell you,
though, you know,

you and I have something
in common.

(audience reacts)

Oh, well, do we-- uh,
evidently, you're speaking

of the charity work
that we do, uh...

No-no-no-no-no-no-no.

I never considered it charity.

But, actually,
I used to do your ex-wife.

(audience laughing
and whooping)

All right, so, you brought
a clip from "Homicide",
didn't you?

We have a clip,
let me set it up--

Yeah, let's get right
to the clip.

No, you don't
need to set it up,
let's just get right--

(arguing)
No-no, we're good,
we're doing the clip.

They've got
a special zoning rule.

♪ ♪