All language subtitles for The Neighborhood s03e14 Welcome to the Hero.eng

I hope Que's still here.
[grunts]

My bladder's about to burst.

Well, it's your own fault.

I've never seen a restaurant
cut a guy off

from bottomless lemonade.

It's a medical thing.

Dry tongue runs in my family.

Hey, Calvin, Dave.
What's up?

Uh, your toilet seat
in about three seconds.

Eh, sorry about that, Que.
I'm still potty training him.

[chuckles]
When I did that with my dog,

I used to whack him
with a rolled-up newspaper.

[laughs]
I tried that. It didn't work.

[laughs]

Oh, sorry, man, we're closed.

I'm not here for a haircut.

I'm here for the money.
Now hand it over.

[scoffs]What?

Why would he give you any money?

Because right now
I'm asking nicely.

Oh.
I mean, he did ask politely.

Well, don't just stand there,
Que. Do something.

Good call.

See ya!Seriously?

If you didn't cut my hair for
free, I would change barbers!

All right, you.

Empty the cash box.

No problem.
After what he just did,

I'd give you the tip jar, too.

Ooh, that feels much better.

And who put my phone number
above the urinal?

Uh, uh, Dave?

Oh, hey.
Dave Johnson.

You just stay right there.

[chuckles]
Don't worry, I washed my hands.

He doesn't care
about your hygiene, Dave.

He's here to rob the place.

Oh. Well, in that case, uh,
I take my handshake back.

Get over there
with your friend.

I think you mean
best friend.

Dave,

now is not the time.

Okay, all right, well,

let me just go over here
so I can...

powder your nose!
[screams]

Quick, Calvin, call the police!

I will. But first
let me grab his gun.

What...
He has a gun?

Dave, get over here
and hold him down!

Okay!
[yelping]

Thank God this happened
after I peed.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

So then the cops came,
they took the dude away

and asked us for our statements.

Yeah, which was hard
for me to give,

because my dry tongue came
back with a vengeance.

[scoffs]

I still can't believe
you guys got robbed at gunpoint.

I'm just so glad
you're both okay.

Yeah, me, too.
Aw, baby.

I don't want you
going back to the barbershop.

I'll cut your hair from now on.

Thanks, babe, but I'd rather
take my chances with the gun.

It's so cool
what you did, Dad.

You're like Batman,
except with a much lamer car.

It was not that big a deal,
and, Grover,

there is nothing lame
about a reliable hatchback

that gets 30 miles
to the gallon.

Y-You know what?
Grover's right.

You're a hero, Dave.

Just because
you got a boring car

and an unintimidating physique

and a pretty squeaky
voice, uh...

w-where was I going with this?

Uh, well,

I think you were
complimenting me.

Oh. Yes. Right.

Look, the point is
is I owe you one.

[laughs softly]

Well, in that case,
why don't you finally let me

teach you to play Frisbee golf?

Like I told Tina, I'd rather
take my chances with the gun.

Oh, hey, Gemma.

Hi, Marty.

You know,
it's pretty crazy what happened

to Dave and my dad
last night, huh?

Crazy?
More like horrifying,

or terrifying or
"I didn't sleep a wink"-ifying.

Oh, so school principals
can just make up words now?

I'm just so freaked out.

I know they're okay,
but I keep imagining

all the things
that could've gone wrong.

You know, I do the same thing
whenever I'm thinking

of asking a girl out,
but it always winds up okay.

Really?

Yeah, 'cause I never do it.

[laughs]

Ugh, I just wish
there was something

that could help me
take my mind off of it.

Well, if you want,
you can come help me

work in my vegetable garden.

I always find it's relaxing.You do?

Yeah, it's peaceful, quiet,
it helps me clear my head.

All right, I'll give it a shot.

Great.

It'll be fun-tasterrific.

Nice try, Marty,

but leave the fake-titious words
to the professionals.

Hey, hey, y'all.
Here's the man of the hour.

And I also brought Dave.

[cheering]

Whoa, I wasn't
expecting all this.

Looks like word
spread pretty fast.

Yeah, almost as fast
as Que ran his ass out of here

when he saw that gun.

[laughter]

Hey, I ran to call the cops,

'cause I just get
better phone reception

hiding underneath my bed.

So, come on, Dave.

Give us the details.

Oh, yeah, and you ain't got
to start from the beginning.

Que filled us in on
the first ten seconds.

[laughter]

I mean, come on, guys, it-it
really was not that big a deal.

I, just, was in the right place
at the right time.

Dave, stop being so modest.

This might actually
be the only time

somebody really wants
to hear what you got to say.

Yeah, man, tell us
how you took this fool down.

Okay, look, I...
[sighs]

I guess it all started
when I looked at the menu

and I saw the words
"bottomless lemonade."

Okay, Dave, you have been cool
for, like, 12 hours.

Don't blow it now.

Okay, look,
there's not that much to say.

You know, I came out
of the bathroom, I saw the guy,

and I could sense
that something was wrong.

Ooh, like Spider-Man.

I told y'all
Spidey-senses was real.

Come on, Randy,
I'm not Spider-Man.

Although...

a lot of people
have been comparing me

to Batman.

They've all been
under the age of ten,

but ain't lying.

Keep going, man.

All right, well, I mean,
I guess I could tell you

what I did to the guy or...

I could show you!

[shouts]Hey, hey!

You were right, Marty.

This is really
helping me calm down.

Yeah, I know.

I just love getting my
hands down in the earth,

nurturing my little
baby vegetables.

It helps me stay grounded.

Plus, their
dependence on me

makes me feel like a god.

Oh, hey, Gemma.
What are you doing out here

with Marty
and his Cabbage Patch Kids?

Well, Marty thought gardening
might help take my mind

off what happened last night,
and he was right.

It is so nice
to only be thinking about

what's right in front of me.

Carrots and radishes...
Oh, my God!

What?! Did you see
a potato bug?

Show me and I will
smite him!

No, my wedding ring is missing.

It must have fallen off
somewhere in the garden.

Okay, don't worry, i-it's got
to be in here somewhere.

Uh, we'll just dig around
until we find it.

Uh, well, yeah, yeah, yeah,
but-but please be careful.

Remember, these are my babies.

The hell with that. One
of your babies stole my ring.

So I looked the guy
straight in the eye and I said,

"We can do this the easy way

"or we can do it the hard way.

And F.Y.I.,
I like it the hard way."

I think they
get the picture, Dave.

Especially after
you drew them one.

I got to give it to you, Dave,

I-I had no idea
you were such a tough dude.

Hey, I don't
go looking for trouble,

but when I hear
it's looking for me,

I raise my hand and I say,
"Dave Johnson, who dis?"

Ooh! Hey, yo, Calvin,
how come you ain't never tell us

Dave know how to throw
them hands, man?

I guess I never
really had the time.

Because clearly it takes
an hour and a half.

Hey, Dave, now that I know
you can hang,

I run a little private casino
situation a few times a week.

You know, poker, shooting pool,
throwing dice.

You should come by tonight.Uh, actually,

Trey, I don't believe that
that's Dave's scene.

What are you talking about,
Calvin? I love a good dice game.

You know, I don't want to brag,
but I once threw

three Yahtzees in a row.

[laughter]

Man, you're funny.

But don't make
any jokes tonight.

Laughing always leads to fights.

Why?

I never asked.
Questions also lead to fights.

Hey, Dave, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Yeah, uh, hold on.
[sighs] What's up?

Look, trust me,
you do not want

any part of Trey's "casino."

Why not?

It's a rough crowd, man.

You say the wrong thing in there
and they'll whup your ass

till you're as bottomless
as those lemonades.

Okay, Calvin,
I appreciate your concern,

but I think I've proven
that I can handle myself.

Okay, all right,
look, I get it.

Uh, y-you're feeling yourself,
and that's cool, man.

But we both know
things didn't go down

exactly the way
you've been telling those guys.

Name one thing
that didn't happen.

You running up the wall
to do a flying kick.

Okay, well, name another.

You running up that wall
to do a second flying kick.

Come on, man.

I'm just trying
to protect you here.

Oh, you mean like the way

that I had to protect you
last night?

Excuse me?

Yeah, that's right.

While I was taking care
of business

and you were just
standing there doing nothing.

Oh.
Oh, oh, okay.

All right.

So that's the way
you feel about it?

Yeah.
That's the way I feel.

All right, then fine.

Knock yourself out.
Or better yet,

take Yahtzee
and somebody else will.

[whoops][cheering]

Hey, Dave, glad
you made it.

Oh, me, too.

Wow, Trey, you've got
a nice setup here.

You even have a coat check guy.

We don't have a coat check guy.

Well, in that case it looks like
I don't have a coat.

Uh, I brought some red wine
and a charcuterie tray.

Uh, you might want
to give the guys a heads-up.

The Roquefort
is a little robust.

Great. I'll let
Mad Dog know.

For a tough dude, he has
very delicate taste buds.

Okay, what should I do first?

I've got a hundred bucks
burning a hole in my coat po...

Ah, damn it.

It's cool.
I got you, Dave.

But next time, if somebody
offers to park your car,

we don't have
a valet either.

Yo, guys, this is my boy Dave.

That's Carlos, Ricky and Eddie.

I'd shake your hands but,
uh, I have cheese fingers.

[dice rattling]

Yeah!

What's up with you, Eddie?

You just got out of jail.

That usually puts a smile
on your face.

I know, but my favorite
cousin just went in.

He got busted last night
trying to rob a barbershop.

What's that you say?

Yeah, some clown jumped him
with a broom

and held him
till the cops showed up.

What a crazy story

that I am definitely hearing
for the very first time.

Crazy's gonna be what
I do to the guy

if I ever find out who did it.

I would do the same thing

if I ever found me...
I mean him.

Trey, why would you
invite me here?

Dave, I swear, I didn't
know they were related.

But you gotta go.

If I get any blood stains
in this place,

I'm gonna lose my
cleaning deposit.Okay. Okay, okay.

I... Look, I'm out of here.

Uh, guys, it was
very nice meeting you.

Whoa, whoa. Hold on, man,
you can't leave.

House rules.
New guy always rolls.

Well, that's very thoughtful
of you,

but I-I really should be going.

But feel free to help yourself
to some charcuterie

and a very oaky merlot.

I wasn't asking you.
I was telling you.

New guy rolls.

Okay, but, uh...

I warned you
about the cheese fingers,

so if these dice get stinky,
well...

that's on you!

[dice rattling]

[exclaims]
Oh, yeah.

Oh, my ring has to
be here somewhere!

Keep digging.

Oh, okay, okay.
But-but take it easy.

You are destroying
my entire garden.

Oh, that's not true.
Your carrots are still safe.

Oh, my God, it might be
in the carrots.

Uh, okay,
this is a disaster!

All I have left
is two strawberries,

some kale and a beet.

If you'll excuse me,
I'm going inside

to make the world's
saddest smoothie.

I feel so bad for Marty.

I think it's gonna be
a long time before

I'll be able to eat
a vegetable again.

Nice try, Grover.

It was worth a shot.

Hey, Calvin, what are
you doing home?

I thought you were
hanging out with Dave tonight.

Change of plans.

Dave went to Trey's
underground casino.

So I decided to stay home

and do something fun
with you instead.

Are you crazy?!

You let Dave go to
Trey's by himself?

Okay, so maybe I should have
gone bowling.

Calvin, how could
you do that?

You know how rough
things get over there.

Hey, I tried to warn him,
but he wouldn't listen.

So now he's got to learn
the hard way.

Because apparently,
that's the way he likes it.

What are you
talking about?

Hey, you should have heard him
down at the shop

bragging about how tough he is.

So?So?

This is the same Dave
whose favorite season is autumn

because he loves to jump
in leaf piles.

Come on, Calvin, give
him a break. You know?

He's just excited
'cause he's finally

getting some shine.

What do you mean?

I mean, when you and Dave
go down to the shop,

you know, you're always
the big dog.

The one in the spotlight
getting everyone's respect.

What do you think that's like?

Oh, I know what it's like.
It's amazing.

I meant for Dave.

Come on, Calvin,
think about it.

He doesn't get
to experience that.

So can you blame him for
getting carried away?

Eh, I guess not.

See?
You know what?

I better get down there
and make sure he's okay.

Oh, good. Take your coat
'cause it's cold out.

Oh, I'm taking two,
'cause ten bucks says

Dave already lost his.

It's no use.
We've looked everywhere.

We're never gonna find it.

Oh, don't worry, Gemma,
I'm sure it'll turn up.

Look, maybe one day Marty
will be eating a salad,

and boom-- "Ah, chipped tooth.

There it is."

I know you're trying to help,
but I just feel terrible.

First I almost lose Dave,

now I lose the ring he gave me
when we got married.

Okay, that's true, but
think about it this way.

You didn't lose Dave.
He's totally fine.

All you lost was
a piece of jewelry.

You're right. I'm focusing
on the wrong thing.

Dave's okay,
and that's all that matters.

Exactly.

I mean, if you think about it,
the ring was just a symbol

of what's really important:
the love we have for each other.

As long as we have that,
who needs a silly little...

Mom, Mom, Mom!
I found your ring!

Oh, thank God!
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

It was in a little tray
next to the kitchen sink.

That's right, I took it off
to wash the dishes

right before I came
over here to...

Murder every one
of Marty's veggie babies

for no reason.

That is a very harsh...

yet accurate way to say it.

So...

what are you gonna tell Marty?

[sighs]

Well, sweetie, as
hard as it may be,

when you make a mistake
and you hurt somebody,

you always have to
tell them the truth.

Oh, the truth about what?

That I just found my ring
right here!

But you just said that...Hey, hey, hey, kid,

play your cards right
and you won't have to

eat a vegetable for years.

[dice rattling]

[all cheer]

Man, you're on the hottest
streak I've ever seen.

Yeah, man, you can't lose.

Yeah, lucky me.
It's like I couldn't even

get out of here if I wanted to.

No way, man, you ain't
going anywhere. I'm up big.

Come on, man,
keep rolling.

Okay, uh, anything but a seven,
right, guys?

Okay. Please, God, a seven.
Please, God, a seven.

[all cheer]

Yes! I win again.

Get over here,
cheese fingers!

Damn, I knew he was in
over his head.

Hey! Get your hands off of him!

What's your problem, man?

I'm not the one
with the problem, you are.

Do you have any idea
who you're messing with?

No, he does not, and I would
really love to keep it that way.

Nah, Dave, this fool
needs to know

that you single-handedly
took down an armed robber

at Que's barbershop
yesterday.

What?!

Yeah, that's right.

He whupped the dude's ass
so bad,

he sent him crying to his mama.

Aunt Lorraine?

So you're the guy that
got my cousin busted.

Cousin?

Oh, damn.

Okay, well, Eddie, yes.

Technically, I am the one who
got your cousin busted,

but let's not forget
that I'm also the one

who brought the
charcuterie plate

that everyone has been
raving about.

That's it, you're a dead man.

Oh, no, he's not. Ha!

Calvin! You said you didn't
know how to play Frisbee.

No, I said Frisbee golf.
Big difference, Dave.

Hey, I'm just gonna take this.

It's probably too oaky
for you guys.

I told you, Dave, you didn't
have to give me a gift.

I know, but it's just my way
of saying thank you

for saving my life.

Look, if I hadn't gotten
such a big head,

none of this would have
ever happened.

Well, when you put it
like that,

why isn't this bigger?

Yahtzee?
You got me Yahtzee?

Okay...

Look, I know it's not cool,
like Trey's dice game,

but it's actually really fun
if you give it a chance.

You know what, Dave,

I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.

And that's only because of
what you did at the barbershop,

but...

I love Yahtzee, too, man!

What?! First I find out
you Frisbee, and now this?

I know, I should have told you.

Are you kidding me?
Yahtzee and Frisbee?

You throw in a cheese tray,
and this is gonna be

the weekend of my life.

I hope you like a smoked Gouda.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0