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1
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,160
Where did I go?
I went with my in-laws.
2
00:00:15,236 --> 00:00:17,830
- We went to Egypt.
- Wow.
3
00:00:17,905 --> 00:00:19,896
- I know you're excited.
- I am.
4
00:00:19,974 --> 00:00:22,101
"Wow" backwards is "wow."
Did you know that?
5
00:00:22,176 --> 00:00:25,737
"Wow" upside-down is "Mom," and Mom
upside-down is Dad's favorite thing.
6
00:00:27,715 --> 00:00:29,876
Thank you.
My parents are in the audience.
7
00:00:29,950 --> 00:00:31,975
We went to Egypt with my in-laws
who are a lot of fun...
8
00:00:32,053 --> 00:00:34,578
if you like being
in a vault with them.
9
00:00:34,655 --> 00:00:36,714
I don't know what that means,
but thank you for laughing.
10
00:00:36,791 --> 00:00:39,521
We went there,
and it was a beautiful country.
11
00:00:39,593 --> 00:00:41,788
I learned quite a bit.
We went during Christmas.
12
00:00:41,862 --> 00:00:43,796
There were Christmas lights
on the pyramids...
13
00:00:43,864 --> 00:00:46,196
which is kind of a joke,
but not quite.
14
00:00:46,267 --> 00:00:49,168
Then we went to the Sphinx.
We went to the back of the Sphinx.
15
00:00:49,236 --> 00:00:52,831
But nobody ever goes there
because it Sphinx back there.
16
00:00:52,907 --> 00:00:56,866
That's why. It's interesting.
All the women look likeJamie Farr.
17
00:00:56,944 --> 00:00:58,878
I'm a big Jamie Farr fan
and I love women...
18
00:00:58,946 --> 00:01:01,312
so the combination just
turned me on major.
19
00:01:01,382 --> 00:01:03,145
Major... that's from MASH too.
20
00:01:03,217 --> 00:01:05,811
It was interesting
because you have to tip...
21
00:01:05,886 --> 00:01:08,855
in the bathroom at the airport
for toilet paper.
22
00:01:08,923 --> 00:01:12,359
Basically, you're negotiating. There's
a guy under your stall reaching in.
23
00:01:12,426 --> 00:01:14,656
You're exchanging the money,
hoping you can just...
24
00:01:14,729 --> 00:01:16,720
"Give the money."
"Give me the paper."
25
00:01:16,797 --> 00:01:19,231
I made a mistake. I didn't
understand the currency...
26
00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:22,394
and I gave him $17 for
three sheets of toilet paper.
27
00:01:22,470 --> 00:01:26,099
I realized you're better
off just using the currency...
28
00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:28,141
getting a wad of bills and
hoping you don't get chaffed.
29
00:01:28,209 --> 00:01:31,235
Staying aware of the
exchange rate there. So...
30
00:01:32,613 --> 00:01:34,706
Hank, have you ever been
in the Middle East?
31
00:01:35,783 --> 00:01:37,842
Indeed I am.
32
00:01:39,453 --> 00:01:43,787
I believe Hank was just then
in the Middle East.
33
00:01:43,858 --> 00:01:46,418
We were there with a guy
named Dr. Marvin...
34
00:01:46,494 --> 00:01:49,054
who came out of the restroom
at the airport in Egypt.
35
00:01:49,130 --> 00:01:51,064
He had eaten a lot of food
that didn't agree with him.
36
00:01:51,132 --> 00:01:53,692
He said, " I have a problem.
The Earth just came out of me."
37
00:01:55,436 --> 00:01:57,461
- That's Dr. Marvin.
- He was covered in water.
38
00:01:57,538 --> 00:02:00,666
It was disgusting and horrible. We're
very close. He looks likeJamie Farr.
39
00:02:00,741 --> 00:02:02,231
Then we went...
40
00:02:02,309 --> 00:02:05,403
When you get close to him,
but then when he's Farr, forget it.
41
00:02:05,479 --> 00:02:06,912
So then we...
42
00:02:06,981 --> 00:02:10,678
I didn't even need to be there
for the fuckin' Saget interview.
43
00:02:10,751 --> 00:02:13,447
- Good show.
- All I said was "Hi, Bob. Bye, Bob."
44
00:02:13,521 --> 00:02:15,489
I could've been working
at a Jack In The Box.
45
00:02:15,556 --> 00:02:19,356
Don't diminish yourself. Anyone with
less talent would've tried to interrupt.
46
00:02:19,427 --> 00:02:22,624
I don't know that that's
necessarily true. It just seems to me...
47
00:02:22,696 --> 00:02:25,062
Did I go on too long?
Was I rambling?
48
00:02:25,132 --> 00:02:28,397
Absolutely not. You were great.
Love your work, Bob.
49
00:02:28,469 --> 00:02:31,734
Yeah, love the one where the man gets
hit in the nuts with the Wiffle Ball.
50
00:02:32,973 --> 00:02:35,464
- Any time.
- Come back any time, Bob.
51
00:02:35,543 --> 00:02:37,909
- Thanks.
- Sure.
52
00:02:37,978 --> 00:02:42,813
- Who do we have on tomorrow night?
- Earl Holliman. He's got a new TV show.
53
00:02:42,883 --> 00:02:46,478
An author, and don't panic,
but Macaulay Culkin dropped out.
54
00:02:46,554 --> 00:02:49,614
Geography quiz. But I'm
working on a new guest now.
55
00:02:49,690 --> 00:02:52,853
- Who's Leno got?
- Macauley Culkin.
56
00:02:52,927 --> 00:02:55,293
- Why, you...
- I'm just kidding you.
57
00:02:55,362 --> 00:02:58,798
All he's got is Dudley Moore.
The network is pushing Donna Mills.
58
00:02:58,866 --> 00:03:01,835
Donna Mills? Even Kiss is
working without makeup, Artie.
59
00:03:01,902 --> 00:03:03,836
Excuse me, Arthur.
You know Ray.
60
00:03:05,439 --> 00:03:08,931
Larry, you know my friend Ray,
host of Family Feud.
61
00:03:09,009 --> 00:03:10,943
We're on our way to the Smokehouse.
You wanna go?
62
00:03:11,011 --> 00:03:13,002
- Ah, gee...
- We're havin' a couple beerskis.
63
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:18,143
- Beerskis. Survey says "no." Really.
- All right.
64
00:03:18,219 --> 00:03:20,153
- See you Ray. Hank.
- Hey now.
65
00:03:21,822 --> 00:03:24,017
You like Teri Garr.
You want to bring her back?
66
00:03:24,091 --> 00:03:26,616
I like Teri Garr too.
Yeah, absolutely.
67
00:03:26,694 --> 00:03:29,219
I liked when she hiked her
dress up. That was funny.
68
00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:31,355
- You got too inside on that section.
- I know.
69
00:03:31,432 --> 00:03:34,060
- Hank jumped in with a good bit.
- That was a fluke.
70
00:03:34,134 --> 00:03:36,227
The guy cares less
about the show every night.
71
00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,396
Hank doesn't know a thing about
the show till he's on the air.
72
00:03:38,472 --> 00:03:41,498
He feels it keeps him spontaneous.
It serves him well.
73
00:03:41,575 --> 00:03:44,066
Did you seem him tonight practically
asleep on the couch at one point?
74
00:03:44,144 --> 00:03:47,136
I looked... Well, who am I protecting?
He was asleep on the couch.
75
00:03:47,214 --> 00:03:49,705
Of course. He's a fucking moron.
What do you expect?
76
00:03:49,783 --> 00:03:53,685
The important thing... you're on,
and you're doing a great job.
77
00:03:53,754 --> 00:03:56,814
All right, you guys,
thank me later... Emo Phillips.
78
00:03:56,891 --> 00:03:59,155
What, Gallagher out of fruit?
79
00:03:59,226 --> 00:04:01,888
- No Emo.
- Thank you.
80
00:04:02,863 --> 00:04:03,852
- You know...
- Hi, honey.
81
00:04:03,931 --> 00:04:05,364
Jeannie.
82
00:04:07,201 --> 00:04:10,796
- Will you talk to him, please?
- Why don't you? He's your friend.
83
00:04:10,871 --> 00:04:12,031
Because...
84
00:04:13,107 --> 00:04:15,041
You want me to talk to him?
Sure.
85
00:04:15,109 --> 00:04:18,135
Thank you.
He was asleep on the couch.
86
00:04:18,212 --> 00:04:22,410
I would've tucked him in, but there's
a network TV show going on.
87
00:04:22,483 --> 00:04:26,010
Dianne, please, not this morning.
Trust me, we love Emo here.
88
00:04:26,086 --> 00:04:29,817
I think he's a riot.
Fine, I'll check the board again.
89
00:04:29,890 --> 00:04:32,324
Oh, Jesus,
the 16th's booked up too.
90
00:04:32,393 --> 00:04:34,691
Perhaps we can have him on
with a guest host or something.
91
00:04:34,762 --> 00:04:36,992
He did Police Academy.
92
00:04:37,064 --> 00:04:39,794
This is funny.
93
00:04:39,867 --> 00:04:43,064
- This one's funny.
- The thing about Dahmer?
94
00:04:43,137 --> 00:04:44,570
Did you see that?
95
00:04:48,509 --> 00:04:51,706
You can't say "gay."
96
00:04:51,779 --> 00:04:54,748
Sorry. It's offensive
to serial killers, isn't it?
97
00:04:54,815 --> 00:04:57,943
- Which is half our audience.
- And the other half are victims.
98
00:04:58,018 --> 00:05:02,546
So we'd offend everybody with that joke.
What were you thinking?
99
00:05:02,623 --> 00:05:05,524
Oh! Did we get
JanetJackson for tonight?
100
00:05:05,593 --> 00:05:08,858
We gotJanetJackson?
That'd be great.
101
00:05:08,929 --> 00:05:11,557
Especially if she talks about
the beatings she took from her father.
102
00:05:14,702 --> 00:05:17,466
Or if she does the...
103
00:05:17,538 --> 00:05:20,371
- I know where you're going.
- Got it.
104
00:05:21,442 --> 00:05:23,376
- Thanks.
- All right. Good-bye.
105
00:05:26,914 --> 00:05:29,712
As much as I respect you,
Paula says thanks.
106
00:05:29,783 --> 00:05:32,149
- Do we haveJanetJackson?
- Yeah, I just confirmed.
107
00:05:32,219 --> 00:05:34,210
- Oh, great.
- Excuse me, Larry.
108
00:05:34,288 --> 00:05:37,348
- Here's something from a fan in Florida.
- Beverly, I don't want to see it.
109
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,654
Some things
are too good to miss.
110
00:05:39,727 --> 00:05:42,127
It's a candle
in the shape of your head.
111
00:05:43,197 --> 00:05:45,563
- It's a good likeness.
- It's frightening.
112
00:05:45,633 --> 00:05:48,397
Maybe it looks better when it's lit.
That would be my guess.
113
00:05:49,937 --> 00:05:52,701
- So what did Hank say?
- About what?
114
00:05:52,773 --> 00:05:55,606
- About sleeping on the couch.
- He isn't in yet.
115
00:05:55,676 --> 00:05:57,974
What's he doing, another one of those
commercials for Safety Shutters?
116
00:05:58,045 --> 00:06:01,913
Yes, or some similar piece
of shit. I don't know what.
117
00:06:01,982 --> 00:06:05,418
The important thing is,
this is your first guest here.
118
00:06:05,486 --> 00:06:08,011
He's a man. He wrote a book
about how to train your dog.
119
00:06:08,088 --> 00:06:10,613
Is this the author
you were talking about?
120
00:06:10,691 --> 00:06:13,455
- He took two years to write this book.
- It's about dogs!
121
00:06:13,527 --> 00:06:15,757
Of course it is.
It's very, very funny.
122
00:06:15,829 --> 00:06:19,060
- To people or to dogs?
- Hopefully to both.
123
00:06:19,133 --> 00:06:23,399
Paula says his animals are like children
to him, which I find very sad.
124
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:26,098
Artie, do you think
we need to replace Hank?
125
00:06:30,477 --> 00:06:32,411
- Hey, Hank?
- Hey now.
126
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,914
What do you think of this joke?
127
00:06:39,053 --> 00:06:41,487
Which one, because there's
a lot of jokes on this page.
128
00:06:41,555 --> 00:06:44,581
The one that is circled,
actually.
129
00:06:44,658 --> 00:06:45,852
Hey.
130
00:06:45,926 --> 00:06:47,860
- Hey now.
- Here's your itinerary.
131
00:06:47,928 --> 00:06:49,896
The only one I'm concerned
about is tonight...
132
00:06:49,963 --> 00:06:51,897
'cause there's a helicopter
picking you up on the roof...
133
00:06:51,965 --> 00:06:54,832
exactly five minutes after the show
to get you to San Bernardino...
134
00:06:54,902 --> 00:06:58,394
- for the shopping mall opening on time.
- All right. Thanks, Darlene.
135
00:06:58,472 --> 00:07:01,964
Make sure they have a pillow
and Drambuie on the helicopter.
136
00:07:04,778 --> 00:07:06,712
I'd like to fuck her.
137
00:07:06,780 --> 00:07:10,580
You don't play for the Kings.
Do you ever turn down anything?
138
00:07:10,651 --> 00:07:12,084
Oh, sure.
139
00:07:15,189 --> 00:07:17,282
The R.V. Show at the Rose Bowl.
140
00:07:17,357 --> 00:07:21,691
No, you are doing that
Sunday afternoon, 1:02 p.m.
141
00:07:21,762 --> 00:07:25,789
Oh, that's right. Well, that's
the biggest one in the country.
142
00:07:25,866 --> 00:07:28,664
- No, that's the national one.
- Is that right?
143
00:07:28,736 --> 00:07:32,228
They got all the R.V. Dealers
from all over the Western region.
144
00:07:32,306 --> 00:07:35,366
- They got a ton of money, those people.
- Ton of money.
145
00:07:35,442 --> 00:07:39,139
- Hey now.
- Could I talk to you for a second?
146
00:07:39,213 --> 00:07:41,147
- Sure.
- Great. Come on.
147
00:07:44,017 --> 00:07:46,110
- I'm gonna be in here.
- All right.
148
00:07:52,626 --> 00:07:56,426
You know, Hank, I was just wondering
why you say that "hey now" thing.
149
00:07:57,331 --> 00:08:00,129
- What do you mean?
- It was something you used on the show.
150
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,293
Now you're starting to use it
in your personal life.
151
00:08:02,369 --> 00:08:06,567
It's an affectation of some sort,
isn't it? Did you ever say it as a kid?
152
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,665
No. I probably didn't.
153
00:08:10,544 --> 00:08:14,071
- But I said "hey."
- Yeah.
154
00:08:14,148 --> 00:08:16,844
And I said "now"...
155
00:08:16,917 --> 00:08:19,044
- I mean, at different times.
- I see.
156
00:08:19,119 --> 00:08:22,213
I never put them together
till later in life.
157
00:08:22,289 --> 00:08:26,749
So in that sense,
it's part of my personality.
158
00:08:26,827 --> 00:08:30,285
You know, this isn't
easy for me, but...
159
00:08:30,364 --> 00:08:33,561
would you mind not doing it
on the show anymore?
160
00:08:33,634 --> 00:08:38,003
- 'Cause, frankly, I'll tell you...
- Wait a minute.
161
00:08:38,071 --> 00:08:41,404
Are you telling me
that when you do your...
162
00:08:41,475 --> 00:08:44,376
You do this, that isn't
the same affectation?
163
00:08:44,444 --> 00:08:46,969
That isn't the same
as my "hey now"?
164
00:08:47,047 --> 00:08:51,006
You just said it again,
and I asked you not to say it.
165
00:08:51,084 --> 00:08:53,450
You mean I can't
say it offstage?
166
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,818
It doesn't even exist.
Say "hey now" in a sentence.
167
00:08:57,925 --> 00:09:00,689
Uh, hey now,
that was real funny.
168
00:09:01,829 --> 00:09:05,993
You know what, Hank? It's not even
in the dictionary, "hey now."
169
00:09:06,066 --> 00:09:09,467
This is how I use "hey now"
in a sentence, okay?
170
00:09:09,536 --> 00:09:12,562
You say, " And of course,
my sidekick Hank."
171
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:15,164
- "And of course, my sidekick Hank."
- Hey now!
172
00:09:15,242 --> 00:09:18,336
- That's a sentence.
- No, Hank. Listen.
173
00:09:18,412 --> 00:09:21,506
I just prefer you not do it
on the show anymore, okay?
174
00:09:21,582 --> 00:09:25,678
It gets on my nerves. It gets on
the audience's nerves as well.
175
00:09:25,752 --> 00:09:27,982
- No, sir.
- Yes, it does.
176
00:09:28,055 --> 00:09:32,890
Look, you're not out there. Believe me,
it's very big with the audience.
177
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,123
I think it helps make
the show work.
178
00:09:36,196 --> 00:09:38,426
It's part of our whole
interplay on camera.
179
00:09:38,498 --> 00:09:42,093
By interplay, you mean
the times we're both awake?
180
00:09:45,539 --> 00:09:49,202
Just cut down on it.
Could you do that, please?
181
00:09:49,276 --> 00:09:52,507
Miss JanetJackson
is landing as we speak.
182
00:09:52,579 --> 00:09:54,672
Al Unser is waiting with
a car in the white zone...
183
00:09:54,748 --> 00:09:57,080
to whisk her to the studio.
184
00:09:57,150 --> 00:09:59,084
- She's not coming, is she?
- Gonna be here any minute.
185
00:09:59,152 --> 00:10:01,086
She's not coming.
You said she's landing.
186
00:10:01,154 --> 00:10:05,284
- She could be circling.
- She's going to land.
187
00:10:05,359 --> 00:10:07,486
Now, LaToya, she could circle.
188
00:10:07,561 --> 00:10:09,688
There's a gal that could
be circling for years.
189
00:10:09,763 --> 00:10:11,856
Feel free to put that
in your monologue.
190
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,192
I wish I could pop in and out
of work whenever I wanted.
191
00:10:16,270 --> 00:10:18,204
Did he hear me?
192
00:10:19,907 --> 00:10:24,037
You should talk to him. I don't
like seeing you two like this.
193
00:10:24,111 --> 00:10:26,204
Neither do I.
194
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,738
He's taking advantage
of our friendship.
195
00:10:29,816 --> 00:10:31,750
When I met him,
he was just a cruise director.
196
00:10:31,818 --> 00:10:34,616
- And you made him everything he is.
- I'm not implying that.
197
00:10:34,688 --> 00:10:37,384
- Hank's his own man.
- He's a man. Let's leave it at that.
198
00:10:37,457 --> 00:10:42,224
This is just a gig he squeezes
in between all his other jobs.
199
00:10:42,296 --> 00:10:46,289
After the show, talk to him. It's not
as if you have a million friends.
200
00:10:49,136 --> 00:10:51,127
I'm your friend.
201
00:10:51,204 --> 00:10:53,934
And now, " fresh from her
Rhythm Nation tour, please welcome..."
202
00:10:54,007 --> 00:10:57,499
Dear God, if there's any justice
in this world..."JanetJackson."
203
00:10:57,577 --> 00:10:59,511
Don't write that part.
204
00:10:59,579 --> 00:11:02,173
So I hear we're doing
a full hour on the dog expert.
205
00:11:02,249 --> 00:11:05,548
I hope we don't run long and pre-empt
regularly scheduled programming.
206
00:11:05,619 --> 00:11:08,053
I'd like to see more of that
humorous thinking on the show.
207
00:11:08,121 --> 00:11:10,055
So would I.
208
00:11:11,291 --> 00:11:15,022
I would settle for Tito at this point.
I just want you to know that.
209
00:11:15,095 --> 00:11:17,563
- Listen, she's gonna be here, okay?
- All right.
210
00:11:17,631 --> 00:11:19,792
It's just a question of what part
of the show she's gonna be on.
211
00:11:19,866 --> 00:11:24,530
Just make sure it's when we're
on the air. That's all I ask.
212
00:11:24,604 --> 00:11:27,038
And don't do that.
I know you think it calms me.
213
00:11:27,107 --> 00:11:29,769
I've seen terrorists do it.
214
00:11:29,843 --> 00:11:32,676
He's not listening to me, Sid.
215
00:11:32,746 --> 00:11:35,180
How are you, by the way?
All right?
216
00:11:38,952 --> 00:11:42,217
Take this joke out.
And you know what?
217
00:11:43,290 --> 00:11:47,226
"Golf club" instead of"golf team."
218
00:11:47,294 --> 00:11:48,727
And...
219
00:11:50,063 --> 00:11:52,463
underline "looting."
220
00:11:56,803 --> 00:11:58,964
Hank, have you got a second?
221
00:11:59,039 --> 00:12:00,904
Sure.
222
00:12:00,974 --> 00:12:03,306
Give us a minute here,
will ya?
223
00:12:03,377 --> 00:12:05,777
Thanks a lot.
224
00:12:05,846 --> 00:12:08,246
Do you thinkJanetJackson's
gonna show?
225
00:12:08,315 --> 00:12:10,408
Oh, you got her booked
for tonight?
226
00:12:13,353 --> 00:12:17,722
Listen, I want you to know it's not
the "hey now" thing I'm mad about...
227
00:12:17,791 --> 00:12:22,228
and it's not that you
fall asleep on the couch.
228
00:12:22,295 --> 00:12:24,923
- I don't fall asleep!
- Well, nodding off.
229
00:12:24,998 --> 00:12:27,592
I pay attention.
I am there.
230
00:12:27,667 --> 00:12:31,831
You happen to have a lot of other
things on your plate, which...
231
00:12:31,905 --> 00:12:35,568
Well, don't worry about my plate.
You worry about your half of the show.
232
00:12:35,642 --> 00:12:38,167
I thought I just heard
you say, "my half."
233
00:12:38,245 --> 00:12:41,146
Is that what you just said?
My half of the show, Hank?
234
00:12:43,417 --> 00:12:45,783
What the hell is that?
235
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:48,912
- This is a corset.
- Why you wearing it?
236
00:12:50,190 --> 00:12:54,593
Because I believe it makes me
look thinner, and it does.
237
00:12:54,661 --> 00:12:57,994
You look a little like
Kitty in Gunsmoke.
238
00:12:58,065 --> 00:13:01,660
Why don't you shove it up your ass?
Or do you already do that commercial?
239
00:13:01,735 --> 00:13:04,033
No, I don't. That's a good idea.
Thanks. I'll call my agent.
240
00:13:04,104 --> 00:13:06,197
I'd like some of the commission,
by the way.
241
00:13:08,942 --> 00:13:12,036
- I'll see you out there.
- See ya out there.
242
00:13:46,947 --> 00:13:50,075
- One second.
- I don't need any hand makeup.
243
00:13:50,150 --> 00:13:54,052
Fine, if you want your
face and hands to clash.
244
00:13:54,121 --> 00:13:56,419
All right. A little.
245
00:14:02,796 --> 00:14:05,959
Seriously, we couldn't do
the show without you, gang...
246
00:14:06,032 --> 00:14:09,524
so thank you for coming on
down here tonight.
247
00:14:09,603 --> 00:14:11,833
Let me ask you a favor.
248
00:14:11,905 --> 00:14:14,703
When I say "three," can you
give me a "hey now"? Ready?
249
00:14:14,774 --> 00:14:18,904
One, two, three.
Hey now!
250
00:14:18,979 --> 00:14:23,313
Very, very good. Larry's gonna
be out in five seconds...
251
00:14:23,383 --> 00:14:26,284
so let him know
you're out there, okay?
252
00:14:26,353 --> 00:14:30,187
- Get ready now.
- In five, four...
253
00:14:30,257 --> 00:14:33,749
JanetJackson is out,
T. Bone Burnett is in.
254
00:14:33,827 --> 00:14:36,887
You were right. She was circling.
She got diverted to Reno.
255
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:39,227
Fucking fog.
256
00:14:39,299 --> 00:14:43,292
Live on tape from Hollywood,
The Larry Sanders Show.
257
00:14:43,370 --> 00:14:46,203
Tonight join Larry
and his guests Earl Holliman...
258
00:14:46,273 --> 00:14:49,401
T. Bone Burnett,
dog expert Carl Henkel...
259
00:14:49,476 --> 00:14:52,843
and me... hey now...
Hank Kingsley.
260
00:14:52,913 --> 00:14:55,939
So talk to me about golden retrievers
being Seeing Eye dogs.
261
00:14:56,016 --> 00:14:59,474
I did not know that they use
mostly retrievers now.
262
00:14:59,553 --> 00:15:02,249
Yes, they go through
a rigorous training program...
263
00:15:02,322 --> 00:15:05,120
up to about three, four years
before a guide dog...
264
00:15:05,192 --> 00:15:08,320
is graduated.
265
00:15:08,395 --> 00:15:10,829
Is that right?
266
00:15:10,897 --> 00:15:13,957
And yet, their natural instinct
to retrieve does not get in the way...
267
00:15:14,034 --> 00:15:18,835
I assume, of being a guide dog,
because then you'd have...
268
00:15:18,905 --> 00:15:23,205
You said he'd be here ten minutes ago.
What if we copter him in?
269
00:15:23,276 --> 00:15:25,836
What do you mean,
there's no helicopters?
270
00:15:25,912 --> 00:15:29,211
For God's sakes,
tell 'em he's a burn victim.
271
00:15:29,282 --> 00:15:32,012
If he were a kidney,
he'd been here an hour ago.
272
00:15:33,987 --> 00:15:37,388
Great.
And we'll be right back.
273
00:15:39,859 --> 00:15:42,293
Absolutely delightful.
Very nice.
274
00:15:44,364 --> 00:15:48,425
- That was great. Very funny.
- Good, good.
275
00:15:48,501 --> 00:15:50,469
When we come back
from commercial...
276
00:15:50,537 --> 00:15:53,199
you'll do another segment
with the dog man.
277
00:15:53,273 --> 00:15:56,140
What are you talking about?
Where's T. Bone?
278
00:15:56,209 --> 00:15:58,609
- T. Bone is coptering in. He'll be here.
- Oh, for God's sakes.
279
00:15:58,678 --> 00:16:01,704
- Mr. Holliman sings, by the way.
- Oh, there's good news.
280
00:16:01,781 --> 00:16:05,512
If I had a gun, I'd put it in my mouth,
turn and take us both out.
281
00:16:07,787 --> 00:16:10,255
I can't wait to read that book.
282
00:16:10,323 --> 00:16:12,848
You think the Angie Dickinson
story played okay?
283
00:16:12,926 --> 00:16:15,588
Oh, yeah. It went terrifically
as always, Earl.
284
00:16:15,662 --> 00:16:19,120
You got a new series, huh?
You and Delta Burke.
285
00:16:19,199 --> 00:16:20,632
Got 'em.
286
00:16:28,275 --> 00:16:33,042
We're back with dog expert
Carl Henkel.
287
00:16:33,113 --> 00:16:36,014
He's written a wonderful book
called My Dog, Myself.
288
00:16:38,351 --> 00:16:41,650
Teaching us how to train
a dog in five days...
289
00:16:41,721 --> 00:16:44,053
and we are up to
approximately day four.
290
00:16:45,458 --> 00:16:47,517
I found your book,
if I may say, fascinating...
291
00:16:47,594 --> 00:16:52,224
and have enjoyed thoroughly
talking to you about dogs...
292
00:16:52,299 --> 00:16:54,233
and myself.
293
00:16:57,404 --> 00:16:59,338
Hank, have you ever had a dog?
294
00:17:01,908 --> 00:17:05,435
Hank has had a dog.
Okay.
295
00:17:05,512 --> 00:17:09,209
Well, I thought you might've,
in fact, had a dog.
296
00:17:09,282 --> 00:17:13,150
Actually, Doctor,
maybe you could help me out.
297
00:17:13,219 --> 00:17:17,315
My dog Philipe...
298
00:17:17,390 --> 00:17:19,688
- Philipe?
- Yes.
299
00:17:19,759 --> 00:17:24,196
- I did not recall that.
- Yes, Philipe Xavier Kingsley.
300
00:17:25,932 --> 00:17:30,596
- I see.
- My dog has a particular problem.
301
00:17:30,670 --> 00:17:32,604
He can never stop...
302
00:17:35,075 --> 00:17:36,599
licking himself.
303
00:17:39,212 --> 00:17:43,376
I believe that's learned behavior.
When you stop, the dog will stop.
304
00:17:46,353 --> 00:17:51,586
I think that is... It's that old
"monkey see, monkey do."
305
00:17:54,060 --> 00:17:56,153
Well, something has to give...
306
00:17:56,229 --> 00:18:00,495
because he used to lick himself
and then kiss me on the face.
307
00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:03,229
Oh, boy.
I couldn't...
308
00:18:03,303 --> 00:18:06,329
I would just cut out the
middleman there and lick him.
309
00:18:06,406 --> 00:18:09,500
By the way, none of this
is covered in my book.
310
00:18:09,576 --> 00:18:11,976
Well, I think it sounds
like a good chapter.
311
00:18:12,045 --> 00:18:14,843
It might improve the sales.
312
00:18:14,914 --> 00:18:19,044
But sometimes I would have
a lady come back to the house...
313
00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:21,053
"Sometimes" is the key phrase.
314
00:18:21,121 --> 00:18:24,750
Philipe would put his nose in a...
How do you say this on television?
315
00:18:24,824 --> 00:18:27,987
In an awkward place. Do you
understand what I'm saying?
316
00:18:28,061 --> 00:18:30,427
He hadn't even met her.
317
00:18:30,497 --> 00:18:33,523
Yeah. Cutting into
Hank's action, in effect.
318
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:36,262
Indeed, he is.
319
00:18:36,336 --> 00:18:40,466
The woman always says, " That's okay.
He doesn't know what he's doing."
320
00:18:40,540 --> 00:18:45,136
And I'm thinking, maybe I
ought to get a dog costume.
321
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:48,703
If you call our office at
Actors and Others for Animals...
322
00:18:48,782 --> 00:18:52,115
we can get you neutered
for a very low cost.
323
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,854
You know what?
324
00:18:57,157 --> 00:18:59,717
Is T. Bone here?
325
00:19:06,399 --> 00:19:09,493
Why is T. Bone chasing Paula?
326
00:19:09,569 --> 00:19:12,629
My next guest
is a gifted musician...
327
00:19:12,705 --> 00:19:14,798
and a talented producer.
328
00:19:14,874 --> 00:19:16,967
His new album is...
329
00:19:18,044 --> 00:19:20,410
We do not have the cover...
330
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,244
but this is what it looks like
once you open it.
331
00:19:23,316 --> 00:19:25,250
This is what you play.
332
00:19:25,318 --> 00:19:28,845
Really, what good
does the cover do you?
333
00:19:28,922 --> 00:19:32,153
His new album is called
The Criminal Under My Own Hat.
334
00:19:32,225 --> 00:19:35,388
I'm a big fan.
Please welcome T. Bone Burnett.
335
00:19:46,506 --> 00:19:50,203
We come from a blue planet
light years away
336
00:19:50,276 --> 00:19:53,905
Where everything multiplies
at an amazing rate
337
00:19:53,980 --> 00:19:57,916
We're out here in the universe
buying real estate
338
00:19:57,984 --> 00:20:00,179
Hope we haven't
gotten here too late
339
00:20:01,888 --> 00:20:03,822
We're humans from Earth
340
00:20:05,692 --> 00:20:07,887
We're humans from Earth
341
00:20:08,962 --> 00:20:11,954
You have nothing at all to fear
342
00:20:12,031 --> 00:20:14,397
And I think we're
gonna like it here
343
00:20:19,138 --> 00:20:22,039
- You saved my ass.
- That's my job.
344
00:20:22,108 --> 00:20:24,440
And I did it without saying
"hey now."
345
00:20:25,245 --> 00:20:29,648
I'm sorry about that. I was upset
that you do those other jobs.
346
00:20:29,716 --> 00:20:32,810
You could go with me
on those other jobs.
347
00:20:32,886 --> 00:20:36,947
- They would love to have you there.
- I don't want to go with you.
348
00:20:37,023 --> 00:20:39,719
I just wish we could be friends
the way we used to be, that's all.
349
00:20:39,792 --> 00:20:41,726
That's all it is.
350
00:20:42,862 --> 00:20:44,921
Yeah, I miss you too.
351
00:20:46,099 --> 00:20:49,000
Look, I fell asleep on
the couch. I'm sorry.
352
00:20:49,068 --> 00:20:51,093
- Don't lecture me anymore.
- I can't help it.
353
00:20:51,170 --> 00:20:55,300
I've turned into an asshole
last couple of years.
354
00:20:55,375 --> 00:20:58,902
That's okay.
I've turned into a moron.
355
00:20:58,978 --> 00:21:02,038
I mean, have a good time with it.
356
00:21:02,088 --> 00:21:06,638
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