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1
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,829
Now, that sign says "applesauce."
2
00:00:15,904 --> 00:00:19,897
No, no, I'm kidding.
It says "applause."
3
00:00:19,975 --> 00:00:22,569
Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once?
4
00:00:23,945 --> 00:00:26,812
All right.
Now, remember.
5
00:00:26,882 --> 00:00:31,876
You're all a big part of the show, so
the better you are, the better Larry is.
6
00:00:31,953 --> 00:00:35,150
You see this gentleman?
He's giving me this sign...
7
00:00:35,223 --> 00:00:37,953
and it says,
"We're on in ten seconds."
8
00:00:38,026 --> 00:00:42,258
So get ready to have a good time.
All right, here we go.
9
00:00:42,330 --> 00:00:46,494
In five, four, three, two...
10
00:00:54,409 --> 00:00:58,675
Live on tape from Hollywood,
The Larry Sanders Show.
11
00:00:58,747 --> 00:01:02,183
Tonight join Larry and his guests
John Forsythe...
12
00:01:02,250 --> 00:01:05,014
Rosie Perez, Richard Marx...
13
00:01:05,087 --> 00:01:08,079
and me... hey now...
Hank Kingsley.
14
00:01:08,156 --> 00:01:11,319
And now, because he's standing behind
the curtain waiting to come out...
15
00:01:11,393 --> 00:01:15,056
Larry Sanders!
16
00:01:23,371 --> 00:01:26,067
Thank you. Thank you.
17
00:01:33,882 --> 00:01:35,941
Thank you very much.
18
00:01:41,089 --> 00:01:43,023
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
19
00:01:43,091 --> 00:01:45,525
If I seem a little confused,
I'm just in a lot of turmoil.
20
00:01:45,594 --> 00:01:47,926
I just feel so stupid.
I don't know if I should be pulling...
21
00:01:47,996 --> 00:01:51,022
for Bosnia or Herzegovina.
22
00:01:51,099 --> 00:01:55,729
Well, you're no better than
last night's audience. Thank you.
23
00:01:55,804 --> 00:02:01,572
So, Bill Clinton intends to actually
stop the fighting in Bosnia.
24
00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:05,511
At least, that's what he was overheard
saying to some chick in a bar.
25
00:02:12,821 --> 00:02:15,415
Group together.
Your instincts are right.
26
00:02:19,227 --> 00:02:22,628
The surgeon general announced today
it is now official.
27
00:02:22,697 --> 00:02:26,497
You're not fully clean
unless your "Zestfully" clean.
28
00:02:30,805 --> 00:02:33,035
I told you.
29
00:02:33,108 --> 00:02:36,771
I told you that joke would not work,
didn't I, Hank?
30
00:02:36,845 --> 00:02:39,609
Well, it's very funny to me.
31
00:02:41,883 --> 00:02:44,283
How does it...
How does it go again?
32
00:02:48,890 --> 00:02:50,824
Oh, that's what I wanna do.
33
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:55,352
The surgeon general announced
it is now official.
34
00:02:55,430 --> 00:02:57,660
You're not clean...
35
00:02:57,732 --> 00:02:59,666
Maybe I didn't say it
exactly right.
36
00:02:59,734 --> 00:03:02,897
You're not fully clean
unless your "Zestfully" clean.
37
00:03:12,714 --> 00:03:15,877
It gets funnier
every time I hear it.
38
00:03:15,951 --> 00:03:18,351
See, you can't go for the masses.
39
00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:20,081
No, I'll just go...
40
00:03:20,155 --> 00:03:23,352
Just announcers around the country
are laughing.
41
00:03:23,425 --> 00:03:26,019
You're a wonderful audience.
We have a terrific show tonight.
42
00:03:26,094 --> 00:03:29,860
We haveJohn Forsythe,
Rosie Perez and Richard Marx.
43
00:03:29,931 --> 00:03:33,423
Please do not flip around.
Come right back.
44
00:03:38,773 --> 00:03:42,709
We, uh, of course, have a terrific show
lined up this evening.
45
00:03:42,777 --> 00:03:47,043
But before we get into it,
it's 11:40 on Thursday...
46
00:03:47,115 --> 00:03:52,348
and that can mean only one thing...
it's time for a "Hank Weight Update."
47
00:03:59,194 --> 00:04:00,821
You ready?
48
00:04:00,895 --> 00:04:03,864
All right, this week I have dropped...
49
00:04:03,932 --> 00:04:05,729
seven pounds.
50
00:04:14,175 --> 00:04:16,700
All right. Settle down.
51
00:04:16,778 --> 00:04:19,372
And you are down to...
52
00:04:20,849 --> 00:04:24,444
One hundred ninety-eight and a half.
53
00:04:33,194 --> 00:04:36,186
Because you have...
You're down to 198?
54
00:04:36,264 --> 00:04:38,129
- That's right. And a half.
- And a half.
55
00:04:38,199 --> 00:04:41,327
The first time you're below 200 since
we started the "Hank Weight Update"...
56
00:04:41,403 --> 00:04:44,600
we have a special surprise
for you, Hank.
57
00:04:46,241 --> 00:04:47,833
Hi, everybody!
58
00:04:51,079 --> 00:04:53,013
It's so good to see you, Richard.
59
00:05:01,022 --> 00:05:03,490
Does he look wonderful or what?
60
00:05:04,492 --> 00:05:06,426
Aren't you something?
61
00:05:08,430 --> 00:05:09,920
- Hank?
- Yes, sir?
62
00:05:09,998 --> 00:05:13,490
You look absolutely unbelievable.
63
00:05:13,568 --> 00:05:15,559
Look at this.
Look at this picture.
64
00:05:15,637 --> 00:05:18,470
Look at this, everybody.
Do you know who this person is?
65
00:05:19,507 --> 00:05:23,170
That's, uh...
That's the old Hank.
66
00:05:23,244 --> 00:05:26,771
- May I see that? May I?
- Yes, yes.
67
00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:30,215
This picture was taken an hour ago
in the commissary.
68
00:05:30,285 --> 00:05:32,276
- Give me this picture back!
- This is not...
69
00:05:32,354 --> 00:05:35,050
This is not the old Hank.
This is the hour-old Hank.
70
00:05:35,123 --> 00:05:37,421
- Can't you be supportive?
- I can be supportive.
71
00:05:37,492 --> 00:05:40,461
Can't you be supportive of Hank?
Hank, look at me.
72
00:05:40,528 --> 00:05:42,189
Yes.
73
00:05:42,263 --> 00:05:45,426
This man is like
the little boy next door...
74
00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:48,196
who used to make fun of people
and put people down.
75
00:05:48,269 --> 00:05:50,203
- Just forgive him.
- That is not true.
76
00:05:50,271 --> 00:05:53,001
I have not mentioned the fact
that he's bald.
77
00:05:53,074 --> 00:05:56,009
- Oh, my...
- I am there for the man.
78
00:05:56,077 --> 00:05:59,911
Stop it!
Just stop it.
79
00:05:59,981 --> 00:06:02,677
I don't like when you scold me.
80
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,118
I just wanna tell you...
81
00:06:08,189 --> 00:06:11,681
that I like you
for just who you are.
82
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:13,921
- Thank you.
- Am I right?
83
00:06:17,165 --> 00:06:18,689
- You all right?
- I'm okay.
84
00:06:21,703 --> 00:06:25,833
I think Richard Simmons is very funny,
but what's he always jumping around for?
85
00:06:25,907 --> 00:06:29,104
He's got the energy of a squirrel.
I don't think that's healthy, is it?
86
00:06:29,177 --> 00:06:31,111
I think it's all a front.
I think we're gonna catch him...
87
00:06:31,179 --> 00:06:34,580
going through a Dumpster at Winchell's
one night, and it'll all be over.
88
00:06:34,649 --> 00:06:38,517
Right there on the Enquirer, him eating
a few doughnuts from the trash.
89
00:06:38,586 --> 00:06:40,520
- What is this?
- That's not supposed to be here.
90
00:06:40,588 --> 00:06:42,852
- It's supposed to be in my...
- What is it?
91
00:06:42,924 --> 00:06:46,291
It's a new demographic report
from the network research people.
92
00:06:46,361 --> 00:06:49,819
Every 30 days, they take their thumb
out of their ass, scribble down numbers.
93
00:06:49,898 --> 00:06:52,162
- It's all bullshit.
- Have you read this?
94
00:06:52,233 --> 00:06:53,996
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
95
00:06:54,068 --> 00:06:57,265
- We're gonna get a new one every month?
- It's a new thing.
96
00:06:57,338 --> 00:07:00,273
It's meaningless bullshit crap.
I'm gonna throw it in the trash.
97
00:07:00,341 --> 00:07:02,468
- I wanna take a look at it.
- Ah, geez!
98
00:07:02,544 --> 00:07:05,138
Do you mind? I'd like to take
a little look at this.
99
00:07:05,213 --> 00:07:07,113
- What is this number right here?
- Bullshit.
100
00:07:07,182 --> 00:07:09,810
- Well, why don't you look.
- Okay, this is a number...
101
00:07:09,884 --> 00:07:13,581
that says how likable you are
to the 18-34 age group.
102
00:07:13,655 --> 00:07:17,056
- I don't believe this shit, though.
- Is this a low number, 4.2?
103
00:07:17,125 --> 00:07:19,252
It's all relative. Here.
104
00:07:19,327 --> 00:07:21,591
Here is your overall rating,
and this is a high number.
105
00:07:21,663 --> 00:07:25,656
Wait a minute.
Relative to what? Arsenio is a 9.3.
106
00:07:25,733 --> 00:07:28,702
It's not the size of the number.
It's the motion of the ocean.
107
00:07:28,770 --> 00:07:31,000
Oh, for God's sakes, Artie.
I wish you were a woman.
108
00:07:31,072 --> 00:07:33,540
I'd feel a little better
when you say that.
109
00:07:33,608 --> 00:07:37,305
- Where's Rush Limbaugh on here?
- Oh, for Pete's sake.
110
00:07:37,378 --> 00:07:41,371
- Look, he's below Mengele.
- It's alphabetical.
111
00:07:41,449 --> 00:07:44,646
What is "VL"?
112
00:07:44,719 --> 00:07:47,517
- What is this?
- Larry, I want you to put that...
113
00:07:47,589 --> 00:07:49,887
I had the most wonderful time!
114
00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:54,052
- You have dogs.
- Yes.
115
00:07:54,128 --> 00:07:57,529
I love dogs. I have six Dalmatians.
I got a picture right here.
116
00:07:57,599 --> 00:08:01,091
You were wonderful out there,
but we were just on our way out.
117
00:08:01,169 --> 00:08:04,661
Here's Scarlet and Ashley
and Prissy and Pittypat.
118
00:08:04,739 --> 00:08:06,866
You know what, Richard?
Hank loves dogs.
119
00:08:06,941 --> 00:08:08,875
Why don't you show him?
He's at the Smokehouse.
120
00:08:08,943 --> 00:08:11,673
Oh! Well, I hope they have salads.
121
00:08:14,516 --> 00:08:17,041
Is there something we can do
about my likability?
122
00:08:17,118 --> 00:08:21,214
- You wanna do what Arsenio does?
- No. Of course not.
123
00:08:22,724 --> 00:08:25,659
What is it that he does exactly?
124
00:08:25,727 --> 00:08:28,321
- They send his shows to a focus group.
- Oh, geez.
125
00:08:28,396 --> 00:08:31,126
If those people decide
he's too hyper...
126
00:08:31,199 --> 00:08:33,724
Arsenio will go on the air
and tone it down.
127
00:08:33,801 --> 00:08:36,770
If they say he smiles too much,
you know, he smiles less.
128
00:08:36,838 --> 00:08:38,772
- That's ridiculous.
- Of course it is.
129
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:42,537
You're never gonna please
every single viewer every night.
130
00:08:42,610 --> 00:08:45,238
But Arsenio is going insane trying.
131
00:08:45,313 --> 00:08:48,578
Did you see in Entertainment Weekly
where he said he's gonna kick our ass?
132
00:08:48,650 --> 00:08:53,019
Yeah. That's why I have
someone walk me to my car at night.
133
00:08:53,087 --> 00:08:55,920
- So you're saying this is nothing?
- I'm going home.
134
00:08:55,990 --> 00:08:58,481
You're likable, Larry.
You're a very likable guy.
135
00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,494
I'll see you tomorrow.
136
00:09:08,536 --> 00:09:10,470
How are you guys doing?
137
00:09:13,575 --> 00:09:16,806
- Hey, honey.
- What?
138
00:09:16,878 --> 00:09:18,812
I'm a nice guy, right?
139
00:09:21,783 --> 00:09:23,842
- Sure, honey.
- Great.
140
00:09:23,918 --> 00:09:27,820
- In your own way.
- What?
141
00:09:27,889 --> 00:09:32,485
- In your own way, you're likable.
- Meaning?
142
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,824
Why are you asking me about this?
143
00:09:34,896 --> 00:09:39,265
I just... Just tell me what you mean,
"In my own way."
144
00:09:39,334 --> 00:09:41,461
You know, um...
145
00:09:41,536 --> 00:09:43,595
- You've got that thing.
- What thing?
146
00:09:43,671 --> 00:09:46,299
We've talked about this.
The hostility.
147
00:09:47,609 --> 00:09:53,275
You're a funny person, and all funny
people have a certain amount of rage.
148
00:09:53,348 --> 00:09:56,408
So I'm angry.
I'm an angry... I'm bubbling anger.
149
00:09:56,484 --> 00:09:57,974
You know.
150
00:09:58,052 --> 00:10:02,182
People watch your show
because you're partly an asshole.
151
00:10:03,524 --> 00:10:06,118
We've talked about this.
152
00:10:06,194 --> 00:10:09,027
You and who?
You and others?
153
00:10:09,097 --> 00:10:10,655
- You and me.
- You and the press?
154
00:10:10,732 --> 00:10:13,428
- You're a little hostile.
- I am not hostile.
155
00:10:13,501 --> 00:10:16,129
It makes you interesting.
It gives you an edge.
156
00:10:16,204 --> 00:10:18,138
- Well, there's an edge there.
- Yeah.
157
00:10:18,206 --> 00:10:20,037
Honey?
158
00:10:20,108 --> 00:10:23,441
- More?
- Please don't eat in the living room.
159
00:10:23,511 --> 00:10:26,503
For God's sakes.
It's my fucking living room too, honey.
160
00:10:26,581 --> 00:10:28,913
There you go.
161
00:10:33,921 --> 00:10:36,287
Excuse me, sir.
I'll need to see an I D.
162
00:10:38,292 --> 00:10:41,125
I don't mean to sound like a jerk.
I'm Larry Sanders.
163
00:10:41,195 --> 00:10:45,063
I'm really sorry, but the people
I work for are very specific about...
164
00:10:45,133 --> 00:10:47,067
- Good morning, Mr. Sanders.
- Hey, Don. How are you?
165
00:10:47,135 --> 00:10:49,626
- Fine. How are you?
- I left my I D in the car.
166
00:10:49,704 --> 00:10:51,467
- No problem.
- Well...
167
00:10:51,539 --> 00:10:55,066
There isn't a problem, is there?
Oh, listen, Rick here is new.
168
00:10:55,143 --> 00:10:57,839
- It won't happen again.
- That's all right. No problem.
169
00:10:57,912 --> 00:11:00,278
No problem at all.
170
00:11:00,348 --> 00:11:02,282
Welcome aboard, Rick.
171
00:11:04,952 --> 00:11:07,853
What the fuck are you doing, man?
That's Mr. Sanders!
172
00:11:09,991 --> 00:11:12,755
Actually, I think the key is
making the guests look good.
173
00:11:12,827 --> 00:11:16,456
I don't think a guest wants
to come on and feel like shit.
174
00:11:16,531 --> 00:11:18,658
Don't say "shit."
Say "feel bad."
175
00:11:18,733 --> 00:11:21,702
- Are you taping this?
- Yeah. Is that all right?
176
00:11:21,769 --> 00:11:24,294
- It's fine.
- Could you look this way for a sec?
177
00:11:24,372 --> 00:11:27,273
Larry, did you ever get romantically
involved with your guests on the show?
178
00:11:27,341 --> 00:11:30,868
One time, Joan Embery brought
something on I was attracted to.
179
00:11:32,647 --> 00:11:34,581
Bad policy to date a guest...
180
00:11:34,649 --> 00:11:38,107
especially when they have
to be back at the zoo at 6:30.
181
00:11:38,186 --> 00:11:41,349
I just had an idea how we might want
to jazz this up a little bit.
182
00:11:41,422 --> 00:11:45,381
I was thinking,
could we maybe take this dart board...
183
00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:51,330
and put a couple eight by tens
of Arsenio and Jay Leno on it...
184
00:11:51,399 --> 00:11:55,267
and then we get some shots of you
throwing darts at them?
185
00:11:55,336 --> 00:11:58,328
Well, how about
if I sit in this chair...
186
00:11:58,406 --> 00:12:01,375
and you take pictures of me?
187
00:12:03,978 --> 00:12:07,175
It's an excellent idea, and I'll do it
if you really want me to.
188
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:09,512
- No, it's all right.
- Sorry to interrupt.
189
00:12:09,584 --> 00:12:11,609
Larry, we took care of that problem.
190
00:12:11,686 --> 00:12:14,621
- What problem?
- You know, with security.
191
00:12:14,689 --> 00:12:18,750
- Increasing security?
- No. You guys got in, didn't you?
192
00:12:20,461 --> 00:12:22,656
I don't think the three of us
know what you mean, Beverly.
193
00:12:22,730 --> 00:12:27,326
The guard who was a problem
this morning? No longer a problem.
194
00:12:27,401 --> 00:12:30,996
Let's flip all the cards and tell us
exactly what you're trying to say.
195
00:12:31,072 --> 00:12:33,939
They fired the guard
who wouldn't let you in this morning.
196
00:12:34,008 --> 00:12:37,774
Beverly, I did not want
that guard fired.
197
00:12:37,845 --> 00:12:42,839
I like that guard.
Would you hire him back immediately?
198
00:12:42,917 --> 00:12:46,409
A small misunderstanding.
199
00:12:46,487 --> 00:12:48,921
Are you getting what you need here?
200
00:12:48,990 --> 00:12:52,482
I can't believe you mentioned the thing
about the security guard.
201
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,221
I'm sorry about that.
202
00:12:54,295 --> 00:12:57,787
You only have one more interview today,
and that's with the Advocate.
203
00:12:57,865 --> 00:12:59,924
Why does the Advocate
want to interview me?
204
00:13:00,001 --> 00:13:01,935
You've had so many gay guests
on your show.
205
00:13:02,003 --> 00:13:03,937
- I have?
- That's very funny.
206
00:13:04,005 --> 00:13:06,473
I didn't know that.
I'm serious.
207
00:13:06,541 --> 00:13:09,601
You're gonna have to start
giving me a signal or something.
208
00:13:09,677 --> 00:13:12,874
Also, Mike Ovitz's office called.
He can't make the Dodger game.
209
00:13:12,947 --> 00:13:14,915
That's what I figured.
Mike Ovitz hates me.
210
00:13:14,982 --> 00:13:18,645
You know how many hundreds
of dollars he makes off this show?
211
00:13:18,719 --> 00:13:22,450
You've gotta stop letting that man
pluck your nerves the way you do.
212
00:13:22,523 --> 00:13:26,186
Maybe you're right. "Pluck your nerves."
Is that a black thing?
213
00:13:28,496 --> 00:13:33,399
- You're such an idiot.
- But the homosexual community likes me.
214
00:13:33,467 --> 00:13:35,560
- There you go.
- Okay, come on.
215
00:13:35,636 --> 00:13:37,331
He's the world's
youngest impressionist.
216
00:13:37,405 --> 00:13:38,565
- How old?
- Four.
217
00:13:38,639 --> 00:13:41,699
- Who does he do?
- The usual... John Wayne, Elvis...
218
00:13:41,776 --> 00:13:43,937
- Ed Sullivan.
- That's it?
219
00:13:44,011 --> 00:13:46,502
- Give him a break. He's four years old.
- Pass.
220
00:13:46,581 --> 00:13:50,483
We got the world's oldest skateboarder.
He's 74.
221
00:13:50,551 --> 00:13:52,485
Pass. Let's call
a brief moratorium...
222
00:13:52,553 --> 00:13:56,421
on all world's youngest,
world's oldest pitches.
223
00:13:56,490 --> 00:13:59,357
- Fine.
- What else do you have?
224
00:13:59,427 --> 00:14:04,922
Look at this! We have the world's
best skier under the age of four.
225
00:14:04,999 --> 00:14:07,399
Very funny. Pass.
226
00:14:07,468 --> 00:14:10,835
Ladies and gentlemen,
Larry Sanders.
227
00:14:10,905 --> 00:14:15,205
Please, you're spoiling me.
Artie, can I talk to you for a second?
228
00:14:15,276 --> 00:14:17,506
Paula, excuse us. Act natural.
229
00:14:17,578 --> 00:14:20,342
I've been thinking.
I'd like to try that focus group.
230
00:14:20,414 --> 00:14:23,542
Oh, my God! This is
a likability issue again, isn't it?
231
00:14:23,618 --> 00:14:27,019
No, it's my ass.
Of course it is.
232
00:14:27,088 --> 00:14:29,750
Can we just try it,
you know, out of curiosity?
233
00:14:29,824 --> 00:14:32,816
Let me ask you something.
If 20 random people decided...
234
00:14:32,894 --> 00:14:35,692
that you'd look better with a crew cut,
would you get one?
235
00:14:35,763 --> 00:14:39,255
- Yes.
- Fine. We'll do the focus group.
236
00:14:39,333 --> 00:14:40,925
- Hi.
- Hank.
237
00:14:44,372 --> 00:14:46,306
- Interrupting. Sorry.
- Oh, no, Hank.
238
00:14:46,374 --> 00:14:48,968
- Yes, he is.
- Come on.
239
00:14:49,043 --> 00:14:50,670
- Is this a...
- It is.
240
00:14:50,745 --> 00:14:53,612
Is this an affiliate problem?
I would be more than happy...
241
00:14:53,681 --> 00:14:55,774
to fly out to Bumfuck, Arkansas
or wherever...
242
00:14:55,850 --> 00:14:57,841
and give them
the old dog and pony show.
243
00:14:57,919 --> 00:14:59,887
We were just discussing
my likability rating.
244
00:14:59,954 --> 00:15:04,653
Is that a TVQ? Neilson?
Arbitron? In-house thing?
245
00:15:04,725 --> 00:15:08,559
I think... I mean, I think you should
consider getting yourself a publicist.
246
00:15:08,629 --> 00:15:11,097
I'm with Widenfield-Johnson.
They are the best.
247
00:15:11,165 --> 00:15:14,931
They handle everything...
appearances, endorsements, charities.
248
00:15:15,002 --> 00:15:16,936
- I didn't know you did charity work.
- Oh, yes.
249
00:15:17,004 --> 00:15:18,938
- Really?
- I give of myself.
250
00:15:19,006 --> 00:15:21,167
- Good for you.
- The pay's great.
251
00:15:21,242 --> 00:15:26,612
They got me, you know,
TB this year.
252
00:15:26,681 --> 00:15:30,674
- Tuberculosis?
- Yes, sir. The lung disease.
253
00:15:30,751 --> 00:15:32,582
Oh, man.
You know...
254
00:15:32,653 --> 00:15:35,520
I don't think that
if I had an image problem...
255
00:15:35,589 --> 00:15:37,284
You don't.
256
00:15:37,358 --> 00:15:43,058
That being the spokesperson for some
contagious disease would really help.
257
00:15:43,130 --> 00:15:46,258
Contagious?
258
00:15:46,334 --> 00:15:48,802
Don't do that old gag.
I beg of you.
259
00:15:48,869 --> 00:15:51,861
No, really, watch.
I can make it work.
260
00:15:54,842 --> 00:15:57,606
Contagious?
261
00:15:57,678 --> 00:15:59,270
Darlene?
262
00:16:01,082 --> 00:16:03,744
Why isn't he that funny
on the show?
263
00:16:05,252 --> 00:16:07,186
That was completely uncalled for.
264
00:16:08,956 --> 00:16:10,617
This is nice.
265
00:16:10,691 --> 00:16:13,819
I told you my father
was a strict disciplinarian.
266
00:16:18,165 --> 00:16:20,565
Oh, man, I can't wait.
267
00:16:23,237 --> 00:16:25,171
There were people on that plane.
268
00:16:25,239 --> 00:16:27,639
I know.
And they had to eat that food.
269
00:16:27,708 --> 00:16:30,040
So Ned Beatty can do
a trip sketch tonight?
270
00:16:30,111 --> 00:16:31,669
Not tonight. We have
little kids on the show tonight.
271
00:16:31,746 --> 00:16:33,577
- Do we have a desk piece?
- Yeah.
272
00:16:33,647 --> 00:16:35,979
We got the old celebrity product stuff
you turned down last...
273
00:16:36,050 --> 00:16:38,211
All right, we'll do it.
We'll do it this time.
274
00:16:38,285 --> 00:16:41,254
And listen, thanks for these,
and I just want to say...
275
00:16:41,322 --> 00:16:43,381
I don't say this often enough...
276
00:16:43,457 --> 00:16:47,018
I just really appreciate...
277
00:16:47,094 --> 00:16:51,224
all the hard work that you do.
278
00:16:53,134 --> 00:16:57,195
Maybe Thursday or something,
we'll all get together and...
279
00:17:04,745 --> 00:17:06,576
What the hell was that?
280
00:17:06,647 --> 00:17:10,083
These children aren't gonna
cry on the show, are they?
281
00:17:10,151 --> 00:17:12,381
It'll look like I made 'em cry,
and I don't want that.
282
00:17:12,453 --> 00:17:14,546
If they do cry,
I'm sure you'll be very funny.
283
00:17:14,622 --> 00:17:18,820
You have been in the past. The harder
they cry, the funnier you are.
284
00:17:18,893 --> 00:17:21,885
- You know it'll look bad.
- Hello! It's the aerobic pest.
285
00:17:21,962 --> 00:17:25,489
I have some Deal-A-Meal friends out here
just dying to meet Hank.
286
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:29,332
They're really huge fans of him,
so we'll stay and see the show.
287
00:17:29,403 --> 00:17:31,371
It's always a pleasure
to have you, Richard.
288
00:17:31,439 --> 00:17:33,134
You're a delight.
289
00:17:33,207 --> 00:17:36,836
Larry and I have a little
pressing business to finish here.
290
00:17:36,911 --> 00:17:39,209
That's okay. I'll just leave.
Your hands are freezing. Bye!
291
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:42,113
- Thanks!
- Thanks, buddy, for those tank tops.
292
00:17:42,183 --> 00:17:44,378
- He gave you tank tops?
- A dozen.
293
00:17:44,452 --> 00:17:46,010
- A dozen...
- Twelve.
294
00:17:46,087 --> 00:17:48,021
I know how many a dozen is.
295
00:17:48,089 --> 00:17:51,684
Let me take a moment here
to say something I needn't have to say.
296
00:17:51,759 --> 00:17:53,420
I have too much eyeliner on,
don't I?
297
00:17:53,494 --> 00:17:57,123
Just because a focus group
will be watching this show tonight...
298
00:17:57,198 --> 00:18:00,292
doesn't mean we'll do anything
that we don't usually do.
299
00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:02,562
Okay, correct.
300
00:18:02,636 --> 00:18:05,764
To learn something from this
focus group... which we won't...
301
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,434
we have to give them
an absolutely typical show.
302
00:18:08,509 --> 00:18:10,534
Liz Taylor's Passion...
303
00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:14,741
a scent for women,
and it tastes great on steak.
304
00:18:14,815 --> 00:18:17,978
"Tastes great on steak"?
What kind of a shit line is that?
305
00:18:18,052 --> 00:18:20,646
We had that great Larry Fortensky joke,
and he wimps out and does this crap.
306
00:18:20,721 --> 00:18:22,655
- I wrote the steak line.
- Tastes good on steak?
307
00:18:22,723 --> 00:18:25,248
Yes, it's the punch line.
Would you like to try some?
308
00:18:25,326 --> 00:18:27,760
Hey, now.
I'm still on that strict diet.
309
00:18:27,828 --> 00:18:30,490
That's right.
And, uh...
310
00:18:30,564 --> 00:18:35,558
May I say you look great
and you're doing great with that diet.
311
00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:38,696
Thank you. It's not easy.
I can tell you that.
312
00:18:38,772 --> 00:18:42,799
Some friends yesterday insisted
that I join them at a smorgasbord.
313
00:18:45,679 --> 00:18:47,544
Really?
314
00:18:47,615 --> 00:18:49,549
I just had salad.
315
00:18:51,452 --> 00:18:53,386
Was it an all-you-can-eat buffet?
316
00:18:55,389 --> 00:18:57,482
- Yes, it was.
- Really?
317
00:18:58,692 --> 00:19:02,423
Why does he keep saying "really"?
It gets on my nerves.
318
00:19:02,496 --> 00:19:05,988
But what I'd like to know is,
do you find Larry friendly...
319
00:19:06,066 --> 00:19:08,034
mildly friendly,
neutral, or not friendly at all?
320
00:19:08,102 --> 00:19:12,630
- Um, neutral.
- You know those celebrity products.
321
00:19:12,706 --> 00:19:17,040
Likable, unlikable, killer,
pathological killer, psycho killer.
322
00:19:17,111 --> 00:19:19,875
I like that guy who goes,
"Hey now."
323
00:19:19,947 --> 00:19:22,381
Yeah, he's funny when he goes,
"Hey now."
324
00:19:22,449 --> 00:19:23,939
"Hey now."
325
00:19:25,519 --> 00:19:28,955
There isn't one person in here
I haven't seen on America's Most Wanted.
326
00:19:29,023 --> 00:19:31,355
I'm telling you, we should be
making a phone call right now.
327
00:19:31,425 --> 00:19:34,952
Now, in an overall sense,
do you find Larry likable?
328
00:19:35,029 --> 00:19:39,363
Yes. I saw him at the Seafood Broiler
one night, just like a regular guy.
329
00:19:39,433 --> 00:19:41,367
- What was he eating?
- He had that...
330
00:19:41,435 --> 00:19:43,926
What are those little
white fish things...
331
00:19:44,004 --> 00:19:46,734
- Scallops.
- Broiled?
332
00:19:46,807 --> 00:19:49,674
Sauted.
333
00:19:49,743 --> 00:19:52,769
Why doesn't he have Howie Mandel on?
Howie Mandel cracks me up.
334
00:19:52,846 --> 00:19:55,041
I told you we should have booked him.
335
00:19:55,115 --> 00:19:58,050
- Call him tomorrow.
- Okay.
336
00:19:58,118 --> 00:20:00,416
- Well, I like him.
- I think Larry's really cute.
337
00:20:00,487 --> 00:20:04,082
He does have really big nostrils...
338
00:20:04,158 --> 00:20:06,353
and they're kind of uneven,
but I like that.
339
00:20:08,796 --> 00:20:11,822
Would you stop it?
Stop it!
340
00:20:11,899 --> 00:20:13,992
Anything else?
341
00:20:14,068 --> 00:20:18,528
I like Larry because he's from
Minneapolis, and I'm from Minneapolis.
342
00:20:18,606 --> 00:20:21,268
- "Hey now."
- I didn't know he was Canadian.
343
00:20:21,342 --> 00:20:24,038
Canadians really get on my nerves.
344
00:20:24,111 --> 00:20:26,944
Oh, this is...
I can't watch this.
345
00:20:27,014 --> 00:20:29,380
- This is too sad.
- You wanted to do it.
346
00:20:29,450 --> 00:20:33,011
Now I know why Baywatch
is in the top ten.
347
00:20:38,826 --> 00:20:40,760
Sorry I'm late.
What did they say about me?
348
00:20:40,828 --> 00:20:42,762
Nothing. They're just
to the Martin Mull segment.
349
00:20:42,830 --> 00:20:44,821
I thought you said
I was gonna meet Larry.
350
00:20:44,898 --> 00:20:48,698
There he is. Come on.
It's very good on this side.
351
00:20:48,769 --> 00:20:51,602
Well, you can't deny
they all seemed to like you.
352
00:20:51,672 --> 00:20:54,664
Yeah, well, I'm telling you.
I have a real problem.
353
00:20:56,210 --> 00:20:59,441
Twenty people could say they liked me,
and I'm telling you...
354
00:20:59,513 --> 00:21:02,539
I would still be thinking
17 of them are lying...
355
00:21:02,616 --> 00:21:04,811
two of them probably have
severe emotional problems...
356
00:21:04,885 --> 00:21:07,979
and one of them's probably
confusing me with Larry King.
357
00:21:08,055 --> 00:21:11,491
I gotta say something that's
gonna sound trite, but it's also true.
358
00:21:11,558 --> 00:21:13,617
The sooner you start
liking yourself...
359
00:21:13,694 --> 00:21:16,288
you won't care
what other people think.
360
00:21:16,363 --> 00:21:22,199
Great. Then I'm totally fucked.
It's Richard Simmons.
361
00:21:22,269 --> 00:21:24,533
- I'm tired of running.
- I don't believe this.
362
00:21:24,605 --> 00:21:27,369
- Hey, Richard.
- No, sorry.
363
00:21:27,441 --> 00:21:30,933
Hey, you're Larry Sanders.
I'm Steve Himmel.
364
00:21:31,011 --> 00:21:33,673
I watch your show all the time.
I really like you.
365
00:21:33,747 --> 00:21:36,341
Thanks.
You must be from Minneapolis.
366
00:21:36,417 --> 00:21:39,818
- No, I'm not. Why?
- Oh, just a bad guess.
367
00:21:42,489 --> 00:21:44,616
- Hey, what are you laughing at?
- Oh, nothing.
368
00:21:44,692 --> 00:21:46,751
- Are you guys making fun of me?
- Oh, no, no.
369
00:21:46,827 --> 00:21:49,762
Fuck you! Show biz assholes!
370
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,843
I guess my favorite parts
were Martin Mull...
371
00:22:14,021 --> 00:22:19,049
the opening monologue,
the celebrity products and Hank.
372
00:22:19,126 --> 00:22:21,117
Hey now!
373
00:22:21,167 --> 00:22:25,717
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