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1
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,298
You folks see
that flashing sign up there?
2
00:00:16,370 --> 00:00:19,703
That sign says "applesauce."
3
00:00:19,773 --> 00:00:21,604
No, I'm kidding.
4
00:00:21,675 --> 00:00:23,870
It says "applause."
5
00:00:23,944 --> 00:00:26,538
Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once?
6
00:00:28,048 --> 00:00:29,709
All right.
7
00:00:29,783 --> 00:00:32,877
Now remember, you're all
a big part of the show...
8
00:00:32,953 --> 00:00:36,150
so the better you are,
the better Larry is.
9
00:00:36,223 --> 00:00:37,815
You see this gentleman?
10
00:00:37,891 --> 00:00:41,725
He's giving me this sign,
and it says we're on in ten seconds.
11
00:00:41,795 --> 00:00:44,389
So get ready to have a good time.
12
00:00:44,464 --> 00:00:46,659
All right. Here we go.
13
00:00:46,733 --> 00:00:48,826
This is exciting, isn't it?
14
00:00:48,902 --> 00:00:52,668
In five, four, three, two...
15
00:00:59,813 --> 00:01:01,678
Live, on tape from Hollywood...
16
00:01:01,748 --> 00:01:03,340
The Larry Sanders Show.
17
00:01:05,585 --> 00:01:07,485
Tonight, join Larry
and his guests.'
18
00:01:07,554 --> 00:01:09,852
Angelica Huston,
The Black Crowes...
19
00:01:09,923 --> 00:01:12,448
and comedianJeff Cesario.
20
00:01:12,526 --> 00:01:16,087
And now, because he
couldn't find the exit door...
21
00:01:16,163 --> 00:01:19,360
Larry Sanders!
22
00:01:30,677 --> 00:01:32,167
Thank you very much.
23
00:01:32,245 --> 00:01:34,179
Welcome! Welcome!
24
00:01:37,517 --> 00:01:39,280
Thank you. Thank you.
25
00:01:39,352 --> 00:01:40,944
Good evening.
26
00:01:42,489 --> 00:01:43,751
Thank you.
27
00:01:48,428 --> 00:01:51,659
Mike Tyson was quoted as saying
in an interview last week...
28
00:01:51,731 --> 00:01:54,325
that "I'm in love with myself."
29
00:01:57,337 --> 00:01:58,998
Sorry, girls.
30
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:02,003
That's it.
That's that joke.
31
00:02:03,410 --> 00:02:05,742
The United States Post Office...
32
00:02:05,812 --> 00:02:08,645
has decided to use
both Elvis stamps.
33
00:02:08,715 --> 00:02:11,047
- Did you know this?
- I did not.
34
00:02:11,117 --> 00:02:14,814
They're using the young Elvis stamp
for standard mail...
35
00:02:14,888 --> 00:02:18,722
and the old Elvis stamp
for packages over 300 pounds.
36
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,923
We have a wonderful show tonight.
37
00:02:22,996 --> 00:02:26,762
Angelica Huston,
The Black Crowes, Jeff Cesario.
38
00:02:26,833 --> 00:02:29,927
To Artie, get well soon,
who's watching at home.
39
00:02:30,003 --> 00:02:31,436
Our producer Artie.
40
00:02:31,505 --> 00:02:34,030
Don't flip around, anybody.
We'll be right back.
41
00:02:37,444 --> 00:02:39,378
Are you headed for the long one?
42
00:02:39,446 --> 00:02:42,540
I'm amazed by these people
who are married 60, 70 years.
43
00:02:42,616 --> 00:02:45,710
The only time you hear about it...
when somebody passes away.
44
00:02:45,785 --> 00:02:49,016
Like the wife, married 70 years,
she'll pass away.
45
00:02:49,089 --> 00:02:51,956
And then a week later,
the husband dies.
46
00:02:52,025 --> 00:02:54,960
And everybody always says,
"That's love."
47
00:02:55,028 --> 00:02:56,518
Well, maybe it's love.
48
00:02:56,596 --> 00:03:00,088
Maybe she just didn't tell him
where she put his medication.
49
00:03:01,101 --> 00:03:02,534
Very funny.
50
00:03:02,602 --> 00:03:05,093
- Very funny stuff tonight.
- Thanks.
51
00:03:05,171 --> 00:03:07,537
I guess we're out of time?
52
00:03:08,909 --> 00:03:11,742
- I hope you'll come back again.
- Anytime. Thanks for having me.
53
00:03:11,811 --> 00:03:13,301
It's a pleasure.
54
00:03:13,380 --> 00:03:16,076
And I want to say again to Artie...
55
00:03:16,149 --> 00:03:18,515
who I know is watching,
our producer, get well soon.
56
00:03:18,585 --> 00:03:20,553
Artie had that
emergency appendectomy...
57
00:03:20,620 --> 00:03:23,180
and he'll be back soon, I hope.
58
00:03:23,256 --> 00:03:26,885
Yes, Arthur, come back soon.
We miss your cigar smoke in the hallway.
59
00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:30,559
I would like to quickly introduce
our producer...
60
00:03:30,630 --> 00:03:33,224
who's been standing in for Artie...
Jonathan Littman, my good friend.
61
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:35,234
Come on out and say hello.
62
00:03:40,006 --> 00:03:42,440
Jonathan, you're doing
a wonderful job.
63
00:03:42,509 --> 00:03:44,568
How long have we
known each other now?
64
00:03:46,079 --> 00:03:48,843
1980, the BBC, when you came over...
65
00:03:48,915 --> 00:03:50,348
That's right.
66
00:03:51,484 --> 00:03:52,917
We're out of time.
67
00:03:52,986 --> 00:03:55,079
So stay tuned for...
68
00:03:55,155 --> 00:03:56,679
Horseshit.
69
00:03:56,756 --> 00:04:00,021
Not once in six years did he
ever invite me up on the stage.
70
00:04:00,093 --> 00:04:01,355
Horseshit.
71
00:04:09,436 --> 00:04:10,926
�C�mo se dice "horseshit"?
72
00:04:17,143 --> 00:04:19,703
Qu� pasa with Jeff Cesario
sitting with the panel...
73
00:04:19,779 --> 00:04:22,043
first time he's up there
as a stand-up?
74
00:04:22,115 --> 00:04:25,881
Jesus! �Muy malo!
This is a very bad precedent.
75
00:04:29,255 --> 00:04:31,086
Come on. A little tequila.
76
00:04:31,157 --> 00:04:32,920
Tequila, no.
77
00:04:32,993 --> 00:04:35,928
Nina, don't you see my show
is being taken over...
78
00:04:35,996 --> 00:04:39,295
by a guy who looks and sounds
like Vanessa Redgrave?
79
00:04:39,366 --> 00:04:40,663
Come on.
80
00:04:43,470 --> 00:04:46,735
But David Letterman, �por favor?
81
00:04:51,745 --> 00:04:55,010
- Yeah. Thanks.
- Very funny show last night.
82
00:04:55,081 --> 00:04:56,844
What was your favorite part?
83
00:04:56,916 --> 00:04:59,476
I loved that part
where you walk into...
84
00:05:06,993 --> 00:05:08,654
Larry, great audience last night.
85
00:05:08,728 --> 00:05:12,323
Yeah, it was, Phil.
What's with Phil's fucking nose?
86
00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:14,663
Excuse me. Larry?
87
00:05:14,734 --> 00:05:16,759
Sam Fitzgerald, new head
of late-night programming.
88
00:05:16,836 --> 00:05:19,270
Nice to meet you.
What happened to Melanie Perish?
89
00:05:19,339 --> 00:05:21,864
- Maternity leave.
- I didn't know she was pregnant.
90
00:05:21,941 --> 00:05:24,569
She isn't.
Let's just leave it at that.
91
00:05:24,644 --> 00:05:29,274
Jonathan, I'd like you to meet
Sam Fitzgerald of the network.
92
00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:32,411
The network has read your memo...
93
00:05:32,485 --> 00:05:35,454
and the suggestions for the show
are very exciting.
94
00:05:35,522 --> 00:05:38,855
- Let's talk about it in my office.
- Terrific.
95
00:05:39,926 --> 00:05:43,862
- I saw the show. Good new ideas.
- Thank you.
96
00:05:45,365 --> 00:05:47,333
Yeah, they wereJonathan's.
97
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,425
I had a feeling they were.
98
00:05:49,502 --> 00:05:51,697
Jonathan, I'm a big fan
of your work.
99
00:05:51,771 --> 00:05:53,932
I loved the thing you did
with Damon Wayans...
100
00:05:54,007 --> 00:05:56,100
and that MTVyoung comedians thing.
101
00:05:56,176 --> 00:05:58,337
May I say, you really rock me.
102
00:05:58,411 --> 00:06:00,242
Maybe you're too easily rocked.
103
00:06:01,481 --> 00:06:05,383
When are we going to implement some
of the points Jonathan brought up?
104
00:06:05,452 --> 00:06:08,785
I've been asking Larry
the same thing.
105
00:06:08,855 --> 00:06:12,951
I think they are good ideas, and we
should consider them one at a time.
106
00:06:13,026 --> 00:06:15,961
Too much change too soon
isn't good for the system.
107
00:06:16,029 --> 00:06:18,793
With Carson gone now,
it's anybody's race.
108
00:06:18,865 --> 00:06:21,163
I agree with Sam.
109
00:06:21,234 --> 00:06:24,169
Now's the time
to really make a move.
110
00:06:24,237 --> 00:06:26,603
We can pass Arsenio and Leno.
111
00:06:26,673 --> 00:06:28,698
This is no time for a pit stop.
112
00:06:28,775 --> 00:06:31,266
Does this mean we have
to start wearing jumpsuits...
113
00:06:31,344 --> 00:06:33,710
because I think
only Hank has one?
114
00:06:33,780 --> 00:06:36,271
- Thanks for coming by.
- Sure.
115
00:06:36,349 --> 00:06:37,941
And it goes without saying...
116
00:06:38,017 --> 00:06:41,578
this memo is not
for general distribution.
117
00:06:41,654 --> 00:06:45,522
If there's one thing I'm known for,
it's my complete discretion.
118
00:06:45,592 --> 00:06:48,686
What really happened to
Melanie Perish, by the way?
119
00:06:48,762 --> 00:06:51,925
You didn't get this from me,
but her live-in boyfriend left.
120
00:06:51,998 --> 00:06:54,296
She tried to kill herself
with an overdose of Halcion.
121
00:06:54,367 --> 00:06:55,800
Is that right?
122
00:06:55,869 --> 00:06:57,029
She's okay.
123
00:06:57,103 --> 00:07:00,937
Let's just leave it at that, okay?
124
00:07:01,007 --> 00:07:03,066
Boy, oh, boy.
125
00:07:03,143 --> 00:07:06,476
- She wasn't pregnant then?
- This business will do that to you.
126
00:07:10,083 --> 00:07:11,516
I got the memo!
127
00:07:13,419 --> 00:07:15,546
Niceness. How'd you get it, man?
128
00:07:15,622 --> 00:07:18,216
It was right on Larry's desk,
right in a folder...
129
00:07:18,291 --> 00:07:20,885
under some papers,
in a drawer that was locked.
130
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,894
Finding the key was a bitch.
131
00:07:22,962 --> 00:07:24,896
"Number one: New graphics."
They did that.
132
00:07:24,964 --> 00:07:27,432
"Number two: There's no reason
first-time stand-ups can't do panel.
133
00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:30,594
Number three: The guitar player's
chronic marijuana abuse is a problem.
134
00:07:30,670 --> 00:07:32,900
Must do something about that."
135
00:07:36,810 --> 00:07:39,142
They're taking that shit seriously.
136
00:07:39,212 --> 00:07:41,737
- What else is in there?
- Here we go.
137
00:07:41,815 --> 00:07:45,251
"The monologues are getting soft
and predictable like Leno's.
138
00:07:45,318 --> 00:07:48,253
Of all the writers, Phil seems
to be the man to take control."
139
00:07:48,321 --> 00:07:50,653
"Phil seems to be
the man to take control.
140
00:07:50,723 --> 00:07:53,692
Unfortunately, Phil's
social maladjustment runs so deep...
141
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,694
that he is unpredictable
and volatile.
142
00:07:55,762 --> 00:07:59,357
My guess is that he talks badly
about Larry behind his back."
143
00:07:59,432 --> 00:08:01,332
Right.
144
00:08:01,401 --> 00:08:05,394
You know, Larry is just the kind of
asshole to read that and believe it.
145
00:08:05,471 --> 00:08:07,905
Yeah, the memo is way off.
146
00:08:07,974 --> 00:08:09,407
"Social maladjustment."
147
00:08:09,475 --> 00:08:11,409
What the hell does that mean?
148
00:08:13,446 --> 00:08:17,405
Now I'm sorry I made copies
of this for everybody.
149
00:08:18,484 --> 00:08:21,112
The memo didn't say
anything bad about you.
150
00:08:21,187 --> 00:08:23,621
No, but, you know, it said...
151
00:08:25,024 --> 00:08:28,289
It said, " As far as Hank is concerned,
the show could benefit...
152
00:08:28,361 --> 00:08:31,455
from a sidekick who skews more
towards a younger audience."
153
00:08:33,466 --> 00:08:36,594
Hank is very sensitive about his age.
He's only 34.
154
00:08:37,670 --> 00:08:39,194
Hank is not 34.
155
00:08:39,272 --> 00:08:42,867
- What?
- How did you find out?
156
00:08:42,942 --> 00:08:46,878
Anyway, whatever age he is,
he isn't that much older than Larry.
157
00:08:48,681 --> 00:08:50,410
Look, right here.
158
00:08:50,483 --> 00:08:53,316
"Darlene is the most competent
person in the office."
159
00:08:53,386 --> 00:08:56,583
- I didn't see that.
- It's not actually here...
160
00:08:57,657 --> 00:08:59,625
but it should be.
161
00:08:59,692 --> 00:09:01,182
Yeah.
162
00:09:01,261 --> 00:09:03,752
That is great. Stay tuned.
163
00:09:03,830 --> 00:09:07,926
We'll talk more about the book,
Shirts Come In All Colors.
164
00:09:12,572 --> 00:09:14,164
Clear!
165
00:09:17,277 --> 00:09:20,542
- What are you doing?
- I was gonna move the plant.
166
00:09:20,613 --> 00:09:21,841
Why move it now?
167
00:09:24,150 --> 00:09:26,983
First, Arthur tells me
to put more plants on the set.
168
00:09:27,053 --> 00:09:31,251
Now I hear from this memo that
there's too many plants on the set.
169
00:09:31,324 --> 00:09:32,814
Listen, Mr. Sanders...
170
00:09:32,892 --> 00:09:35,452
if you don't like the job I do
on any particular plant...
171
00:09:35,528 --> 00:09:38,759
just tell me to my face.
172
00:09:38,831 --> 00:09:43,325
I went through this same shit
once with Sajak.
173
00:09:47,173 --> 00:09:49,334
I'm gonna get
right to the point.
174
00:09:49,409 --> 00:09:51,343
The reason I called you here...
175
00:09:51,411 --> 00:09:55,370
is because I know there's
this memo going around.
176
00:09:55,448 --> 00:09:59,612
I'm pretty pissed off about it because
it wasn't supposed to get around.
177
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:04,623
This memo does not reflect
how I feel about things...
178
00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:07,785
and I disagree with the things
on that memo.
179
00:10:07,860 --> 00:10:09,350
- Like what?
- "Like what?"
180
00:10:09,429 --> 00:10:13,126
I don't have the memo
committed to memory.
181
00:10:13,199 --> 00:10:15,326
Does somebody have a copy?
182
00:10:17,470 --> 00:10:19,404
I can see what's going on.
183
00:10:19,472 --> 00:10:21,064
I'll turn around...
184
00:10:21,140 --> 00:10:25,076
and somebody put the memo
in front of me.
185
00:10:29,949 --> 00:10:32,042
Very funny.
Very fuckin' funny.
186
00:10:36,155 --> 00:10:37,588
This thing about the plants.
187
00:10:37,657 --> 00:10:39,750
Let's start there.
I don't agree with that.
188
00:10:39,826 --> 00:10:43,284
I think you can never have
enough vegetation. Ask Sting.
189
00:10:43,363 --> 00:10:46,457
What about the monologue jokes
being "soft and predictable"?
190
00:10:46,532 --> 00:10:48,523
I'm sorry I'm late.
What's up?
191
00:10:50,403 --> 00:10:53,236
Oh, my God, we've been canceled.
192
00:10:53,306 --> 00:10:56,571
No, we are talking
about something else.
193
00:10:56,642 --> 00:10:58,542
We have not been canceled.
194
00:10:58,611 --> 00:11:00,101
What is it?
195
00:11:01,614 --> 00:11:03,047
Is Artie dead?
196
00:11:03,116 --> 00:11:06,176
Go ahead. Go ahead.
I can take it.
197
00:11:07,420 --> 00:11:09,513
We're discussing the memo, Hank.
198
00:11:09,589 --> 00:11:12,114
- What memo?
- Don't act dumb.
199
00:11:12,191 --> 00:11:14,557
That's an insult.
I'm not acting dumb.
200
00:11:14,627 --> 00:11:17,061
I don't know what memo.
201
00:11:17,130 --> 00:11:19,997
I'm sorry,
but that's how I feel.
202
00:11:20,066 --> 00:11:22,364
- I don't know about it.
- I'm sorry.
203
00:11:22,435 --> 00:11:25,871
They'll tell you about it.
Tell him about the memo.
204
00:11:27,540 --> 00:11:29,132
Did Artie die?
205
00:11:38,818 --> 00:11:41,616
Do you believe this shit?
206
00:11:45,658 --> 00:11:47,592
Excuse me. Jonathan?
207
00:11:47,660 --> 00:11:50,823
Diane here has convinced me that
as far as the carpet's concerned...
208
00:11:50,897 --> 00:11:53,491
we really ought to go
with something more direct.
209
00:11:53,566 --> 00:11:56,000
We have a situation here.
210
00:11:57,437 --> 00:11:59,837
I know, Larry.
Excuse me.
211
00:12:03,976 --> 00:12:05,534
How did this happen?
212
00:12:05,611 --> 00:12:07,909
That memo was in my desk
in a folder...
213
00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:10,847
under some papers,
in a drawer that was locked.
214
00:12:10,917 --> 00:12:13,112
What do I need,
a fuckin' security camera?
215
00:12:13,186 --> 00:12:15,347
I covered that
on page three of the memo.
216
00:12:15,421 --> 00:12:18,015
Maybe I should get one
before I get shot.
217
00:12:19,125 --> 00:12:20,956
Can you just relax?
218
00:12:21,027 --> 00:12:23,518
"Relax"?
My entire staff is paranoid.
219
00:12:23,596 --> 00:12:25,860
They think they're going
to be replaced.
220
00:12:25,932 --> 00:12:27,229
- So?
- "So?"
221
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:29,825
Yeah, so maybe
they'll have to work harder.
222
00:12:29,902 --> 00:12:31,893
Maybe the show
will become funnier.
223
00:12:31,971 --> 00:12:34,963
Maybe the fucking coffee
will become a little bit hotter.
224
00:12:35,041 --> 00:12:38,477
From my own experience,
fear is a great motivator.
225
00:12:38,544 --> 00:12:41,308
I don't think I want people
to fear me.
226
00:12:41,380 --> 00:12:42,813
Respect me, fine.
227
00:12:42,882 --> 00:12:44,941
Think I'm attractive
and a great dancer, fine.
228
00:12:45,952 --> 00:12:48,045
But let's draw the line there.
229
00:12:48,121 --> 00:12:50,316
Do me a favor.
230
00:12:50,389 --> 00:12:53,358
Why don't you let this whole thing
just play itself out?
231
00:12:54,427 --> 00:12:58,864
Do you really think people are working
as hard as they can around here?
232
00:12:58,931 --> 00:13:02,389
Do you really think you're getting
the respect that you deserve?
233
00:13:03,469 --> 00:13:05,494
Come on.
234
00:13:05,571 --> 00:13:07,163
Answer me.
235
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:10,334
All right, we'll play it out...
236
00:13:10,409 --> 00:13:12,843
but Artie cannot find out
about this.
237
00:13:12,912 --> 00:13:15,676
- Come on. Artie.
- Especially the plant thing.
238
00:13:15,748 --> 00:13:20,242
That greenery balance on the set has
been one of his pet projects for years.
239
00:13:20,319 --> 00:13:22,913
Promise me it doesn't get
back to him.
240
00:13:26,392 --> 00:13:29,327
"Visually, the guests get lost
in all the plants.
241
00:13:29,395 --> 00:13:31,158
It's like a jungle out there.
242
00:13:31,230 --> 00:13:34,358
Sometimes when I flip past
the show on TV...
243
00:13:34,433 --> 00:13:36,833
it looks like
an old Tarzan movie."
244
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:38,165
Horseshit!
245
00:13:41,140 --> 00:13:44,075
This isn't about those plants.
This is about me.
246
00:13:44,143 --> 00:13:46,805
I am those plants, goddamn it.
247
00:13:53,686 --> 00:13:55,119
Morning.
248
00:13:57,290 --> 00:13:59,850
- What have you heard?
- About what?
249
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:01,757
Good.
250
00:14:01,827 --> 00:14:03,522
It's being contained.
251
00:14:04,764 --> 00:14:07,597
They are cleaning house.
No one is safe.
252
00:14:07,667 --> 00:14:09,100
What?
253
00:14:11,837 --> 00:14:13,429
Phone the agent.
254
00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:17,774
"Yea, though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of death..."
255
00:14:17,843 --> 00:14:19,606
Sid Bissell, please.
Hank Kingsley calling.
256
00:14:19,679 --> 00:14:22,910
"I will fear no evil,
for Thou art my rod and my..."
257
00:14:22,982 --> 00:14:24,574
Sid?
258
00:14:24,650 --> 00:14:28,984
Jonathan Littman is taking over
the Sanders show.
259
00:14:29,055 --> 00:14:31,080
He hates my work.
Don't you remember?
260
00:14:31,157 --> 00:14:34,752
He fired me from that
QE2 Fourth ofJuly special.
261
00:14:34,827 --> 00:14:37,455
Protect me, Sid.
Come on. Protect me!
262
00:14:40,933 --> 00:14:43,128
This goes no further.
263
00:14:43,202 --> 00:14:45,136
- Where was I?
- "For Thou art my rod..."
264
00:14:45,204 --> 00:14:49,607
"And my staff. Thou makest me
to lay down in green pastures."
265
00:14:51,244 --> 00:14:54,338
- I can't see Hank now.
- Hank would like to...
266
00:14:56,515 --> 00:14:59,177
I can't! Not right now.
267
00:14:59,252 --> 00:15:01,015
- Want to see me?
- No.
268
00:15:03,256 --> 00:15:06,191
- What the hell is going on?
- I'm sorry.
269
00:15:08,661 --> 00:15:10,561
What is it, the memo?
270
00:15:10,630 --> 00:15:14,794
The ideas contained in that memo
are not my ideas.
271
00:15:14,867 --> 00:15:17,995
I do not happen to think
we need a younger sidekick.
272
00:15:18,971 --> 00:15:20,495
Thank you.
273
00:15:20,573 --> 00:15:22,097
What is that?
274
00:15:24,577 --> 00:15:26,943
What? You mean this?
The earring?
275
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:29,777
I've had this for,
golly, some time now.
276
00:15:29,849 --> 00:15:32,818
Bullshit. You've gotten an earring
to make yourself look younger.
277
00:15:35,321 --> 00:15:37,721
What have you done
to your nipples?
278
00:15:37,790 --> 00:15:39,724
- Hey now.
- Let me see.
279
00:15:39,792 --> 00:15:41,783
Come on. Let me see.
280
00:15:41,861 --> 00:15:43,624
Sit down. Sit down!
281
00:15:43,696 --> 00:15:46,358
What's wrong? What's wrong?
282
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,966
Hank, look that way.
283
00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:52,903
Look up. Look down.
Did that loosen you up?
284
00:15:52,972 --> 00:15:54,564
- How's that feel?
- Good.
285
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:57,473
- Oh, boy. Does this hurt?
- Yes!
286
00:15:57,543 --> 00:15:59,306
Where'd you get this done?
287
00:15:59,378 --> 00:16:02,211
Was it in a sterile environment?
288
00:16:02,281 --> 00:16:03,714
Look that way.
289
00:16:03,783 --> 00:16:06,650
- Boy, very swollen and reddish.
- Really?
290
00:16:07,820 --> 00:16:10,516
- And the left ear is the gay ear.
- It is?
291
00:16:11,590 --> 00:16:15,253
When you wear it low like that,
it means you're catching, not pitching.
292
00:16:16,329 --> 00:16:18,593
I had a friend
who was allergic to base metal.
293
00:16:18,664 --> 00:16:21,724
Got a really bad infection.
Lost about 90% of his hearing.
294
00:16:21,801 --> 00:16:24,031
- Yeah?
- That looks very pussy.
295
00:16:24,103 --> 00:16:26,367
What kind of metal
did they use?
296
00:16:26,439 --> 00:16:27,701
I gotta go.
297
00:16:27,773 --> 00:16:30,901
I'm sure it's fine.
I like it.
298
00:16:30,976 --> 00:16:32,534
Keep it.
299
00:16:32,611 --> 00:16:34,374
Yeah, "keep it." All right.
300
00:16:34,447 --> 00:16:36,347
Boy, oh, boy.
Don't hide it.
301
00:16:36,415 --> 00:16:38,440
Be proud.
Catching, not pitching.
302
00:16:43,189 --> 00:16:45,054
Call me an ambulance.
303
00:16:49,862 --> 00:16:51,454
Close that door.
304
00:16:53,366 --> 00:16:55,300
What are you doing here?
305
00:16:55,368 --> 00:16:57,836
I'm preparing to say good-bye.
306
00:16:57,903 --> 00:16:59,928
Oh, no. Come on. Come on.
307
00:17:00,005 --> 00:17:02,303
It's Demerol,
you ass, and tequila.
308
00:17:02,375 --> 00:17:04,206
It's a good mix.
309
00:17:05,544 --> 00:17:07,102
Heard about the memo?
310
00:17:07,179 --> 00:17:09,204
Are you kidding?
311
00:17:09,281 --> 00:17:12,808
You think there's anything that goes on
around here that I don't know about?
312
00:17:12,885 --> 00:17:16,082
If somebody farts in the Xerox room,
I've heard about it.
313
00:17:16,155 --> 00:17:18,589
Listen. Nothing gets by me.
Nothing.
314
00:17:18,657 --> 00:17:20,682
What the hell's in your ear?
315
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:23,251
- Earring.
- Get rid of it, for God's sake.
316
00:17:23,329 --> 00:17:25,889
I can't.
Larry wants me to keep it.
317
00:17:25,965 --> 00:17:28,160
I think it's infected.
318
00:17:28,234 --> 00:17:30,464
I can hear something
inside my head.
319
00:17:30,536 --> 00:17:33,471
I guarantee you there's nothing
in there. Here, drink this.
320
00:17:33,539 --> 00:17:35,734
No, thanks. I got a show tonight.
321
00:17:35,808 --> 00:17:38,834
I'm obviously going to be under
a massive program of antibiotics.
322
00:17:38,911 --> 00:17:40,970
Drink it,
or I'll knock you to the floor...
323
00:17:41,046 --> 00:17:43,674
step on your neck
and piss in that good ear.
324
00:17:53,426 --> 00:17:55,018
Never get sick.
325
00:17:55,094 --> 00:17:59,292
If there's one cardinal rule in
show business, it's "Never get sick."
326
00:17:59,365 --> 00:18:02,459
It's when you're down, when you
show the slightest weakness...
327
00:18:02,535 --> 00:18:04,969
that they slip that knife
in your back.
328
00:18:07,039 --> 00:18:11,203
Darlene, I'm feeling better,
so just cancel that ambulance.
329
00:18:12,511 --> 00:18:15,412
Do you think you're really out?
330
00:18:15,481 --> 00:18:17,142
Of course I'm out.
331
00:18:17,216 --> 00:18:19,650
Jesus! If you're out,
we're all out.
332
00:18:21,387 --> 00:18:25,050
I have to admire that little lago...
Jonathan Littman.
333
00:18:25,124 --> 00:18:27,558
He played it brilliantly.
334
00:18:27,626 --> 00:18:30,390
I want you to be honest with me.
335
00:18:30,463 --> 00:18:33,626
I'm going to ask you something
of a very, very personal nature.
336
00:18:33,699 --> 00:18:36,133
- Go right ahead.
- Please, hear me out.
337
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:40,104
I've never said anything like this
to another human being.
338
00:18:40,172 --> 00:18:42,436
I'm just gonna say it, okay?
339
00:18:47,713 --> 00:18:50,773
Do you think I skew
to an older demographic?
340
00:18:52,117 --> 00:18:54,551
It's all bullshit.
341
00:18:54,620 --> 00:18:57,714
It's just change
for the sake of change.
342
00:18:57,790 --> 00:18:59,223
It's endemic in Hollywood.
343
00:18:59,291 --> 00:19:02,158
It has nothing to do with
the way any of us do our jobs.
344
00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:04,162
It's flavor of the month...
345
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,221
What the hell you doin' now?
346
00:19:06,298 --> 00:19:08,823
- I'm sorry.
- That's the way this town runs.
347
00:19:09,668 --> 00:19:11,192
Competence...
348
00:19:11,270 --> 00:19:13,363
professionalism, loyalty...
349
00:19:13,439 --> 00:19:15,907
they're not words
in the Hollywood vocabulary.
350
00:19:17,877 --> 00:19:20,277
What's gonna happen to me?
351
00:19:20,346 --> 00:19:22,337
Too sad to even think about.
352
00:19:22,414 --> 00:19:23,847
Oh, God.
353
00:19:25,084 --> 00:19:26,574
Regis Philbin.
354
00:19:26,652 --> 00:19:29,416
Come on, Artie.
Regis Philbin. He came back.
355
00:19:29,488 --> 00:19:31,683
Is that what you want to do?
356
00:19:31,757 --> 00:19:35,454
You want to sit there while Kathie Lee
prattles on in your good ear...
357
00:19:35,528 --> 00:19:39,123
about how Frank hates to change
Cody's poopy diapers?
358
00:19:46,505 --> 00:19:48,530
Fuck me.
359
00:19:50,876 --> 00:19:53,401
Hello, you worthless
piece of shit!
360
00:19:53,479 --> 00:19:55,572
Don't worry about us.
We have options.
361
00:19:55,648 --> 00:19:59,641
Does the name SallyJessy Raphael
mean anything to you?
362
00:19:59,718 --> 00:20:01,709
"SallyJessy Raphael"?
363
00:20:01,787 --> 00:20:05,052
Yeah, "Cousins Will Fuck"
is the first topic.
364
00:20:05,124 --> 00:20:08,958
I see. Arthur, you shouldn't be up.
You just had surgery.
365
00:20:09,028 --> 00:20:12,589
Yeah, but that knife was wielded
by a relative stranger.
366
00:20:12,665 --> 00:20:16,761
You're as young as you feel!
That's what they say.
367
00:20:16,835 --> 00:20:18,325
Jesus, Artie.
368
00:20:18,404 --> 00:20:20,497
You got Hank drunk?
369
00:20:20,573 --> 00:20:24,236
Hank does whatever he wants.
Sit down there, Hank.
370
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:28,508
Please, please let me take
this earring out.
371
00:20:28,581 --> 00:20:30,173
I can't hardly see...
372
00:20:30,249 --> 00:20:33,446
and the infection is going
right to my optic nerve.
373
00:20:33,519 --> 00:20:35,749
Larry fuckin' cares
about your fuckin' eye!
374
00:20:35,821 --> 00:20:38,187
He wouldn't fuckin' care...
375
00:20:38,257 --> 00:20:41,488
if that infection
ran straight into your brain...
376
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,028
swelling it to
such a grotesque size...
377
00:20:44,096 --> 00:20:47,259
that the skull bursts
like a ripe honeydew melon.
378
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,824
I saw a case like this
in Korea once.
379
00:20:49,902 --> 00:20:53,531
It was a horrible,
painful way to die.
380
00:20:53,606 --> 00:20:56,234
Yeah, the screams
still haunt me.
381
00:20:56,308 --> 00:20:58,970
- So where's your friend now?
- Yeah!
382
00:20:59,044 --> 00:21:01,444
Yeah, the Whiz Kid!
383
00:21:01,513 --> 00:21:05,540
I put up with such shit
from this memo.
384
00:21:07,620 --> 00:21:09,053
Get off it!
385
00:21:09,121 --> 00:21:11,715
You couldn't wait to get that
butthole buddy of yours in here...
386
00:21:11,790 --> 00:21:14,816
because you don't want anybody
in here who will challenge you!
387
00:21:14,893 --> 00:21:16,724
You don't want anybody...
388
00:21:16,795 --> 00:21:20,492
You just want people that fear...
suck up to you!
389
00:21:20,566 --> 00:21:24,935
Could we please talk about this
at another time?
390
00:21:25,004 --> 00:21:27,939
I think you've been drinking,
and you're under medication.
391
00:21:28,007 --> 00:21:30,908
I put up enough with that
from the writers.
392
00:21:30,976 --> 00:21:33,911
There won't be
another occasion, sonny boy...
393
00:21:33,979 --> 00:21:35,537
'cause I quit.
394
00:21:35,614 --> 00:21:38,708
- This is fuckin' nuts.
- Is it now?
395
00:21:39,952 --> 00:21:41,886
We look like nuts to you?
396
00:21:46,158 --> 00:21:48,353
Hank just threw up
in my wastebasket.
397
00:21:48,427 --> 00:21:51,396
Artie had a drunken tantrum.
He thinks he's out.
398
00:21:51,463 --> 00:21:52,896
- Really?
- Yeah.
399
00:21:52,965 --> 00:21:56,833
And he thinks we're hiring you
to take his place.
400
00:21:56,902 --> 00:21:58,335
- Is that right?
- That's right.
401
00:21:58,404 --> 00:22:01,567
I need you, Jonathan,
to come with me right now.
402
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,734
We're gonna tell Artie you are not
interested in taking his job.
403
00:22:04,810 --> 00:22:08,610
- Sam, I'd like you to go with me.
- I don't know that we can do that.
404
00:22:08,681 --> 00:22:12,117
I think Sam's reluctance
to placate Arthur...
405
00:22:12,184 --> 00:22:16,848
is based on his knowledge of my...
this is an embarrassing admission...
406
00:22:16,922 --> 00:22:21,450
but my enthusiastic
and aggressive interest...
407
00:22:21,527 --> 00:22:25,861
in taking his job
and producing this show.
408
00:22:27,533 --> 00:22:29,023
Are you serious?
409
00:22:29,101 --> 00:22:31,626
We at the network
love the direction...
410
00:22:31,704 --> 00:22:34,138
the show's taken
the last couple of weeks.
411
00:22:34,206 --> 00:22:35,639
Hold it.
412
00:22:35,708 --> 00:22:37,869
I can see what's happening here.
413
00:22:37,943 --> 00:22:40,002
I'm the schmuck
in this story, aren't I?
414
00:22:40,079 --> 00:22:42,639
I'm just saying
that we would not be unhappy...
415
00:22:42,715 --> 00:22:45,047
ifJonathan were to take over
as producer.
416
00:22:45,117 --> 00:22:47,642
When you say "us,"
you mean the network?
417
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,654
You mean, the entire network?
418
00:22:51,256 --> 00:22:53,520
Sheldon is behind this 100%.
419
00:22:53,592 --> 00:22:54,991
- He is?
- Yeah.
420
00:22:55,060 --> 00:22:56,994
Call him if you think
we're lying.
421
00:22:58,230 --> 00:23:01,256
You know, Sheldon and I
are really close.
422
00:23:09,675 --> 00:23:11,836
Okay, we're lying.
423
00:23:11,910 --> 00:23:13,571
Hi, Jeannie, honey?
424
00:23:13,645 --> 00:23:16,580
I'll be home around 8:00, okay?
425
00:23:16,648 --> 00:23:19,583
Just wanted to let you...
Love you too. Bye.
426
00:23:21,253 --> 00:23:24,620
All right. I suppose we did make
one slight, little tactical error.
427
00:23:24,690 --> 00:23:27,284
We did not have you on board
from the very beginning.
428
00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:30,123
But I have to say
my most egregious mistake...
429
00:23:30,195 --> 00:23:34,859
was overlooking our friendship in
my somewhat lusty pursuit of this job.
430
00:23:34,933 --> 00:23:38,733
Have I ever told you, Jon,
I can't stand the way you talk?
431
00:23:47,346 --> 00:23:49,280
I think we're done here.
432
00:23:49,348 --> 00:23:51,942
- I don't think you want to read that.
- What is this?
433
00:23:57,456 --> 00:23:59,219
"One of Sanders's weaknesses...
434
00:24:01,827 --> 00:24:04,660
is that he doesn't have
a stable of beloved characters...
435
00:24:04,730 --> 00:24:08,860
a la Carnac, Aunt Blabby,
et cetera."
436
00:24:08,934 --> 00:24:10,424
Don't read it.
437
00:24:13,272 --> 00:24:16,207
Obviously you guys don't know
about my Chinese weatherman.
438
00:24:16,275 --> 00:24:17,970
It's "fleezing"!
439
00:24:24,149 --> 00:24:26,583
Lee and I are going
to buy that place...
440
00:24:26,652 --> 00:24:29,883
we always dreamed about
in Puerto Vallarta.
441
00:24:29,955 --> 00:24:34,915
Sitting on a veranda
over the blue Pacific...
442
00:24:34,993 --> 00:24:37,291
watching the sunset...
443
00:24:38,197 --> 00:24:40,427
counting the pelicans.
444
00:24:40,499 --> 00:24:42,626
Artie, just hear me out about this.
445
00:24:43,802 --> 00:24:46,168
I can't do this show without you.
446
00:24:46,238 --> 00:24:48,229
I don't want to do
this show without you.
447
00:24:48,307 --> 00:24:50,502
You're the reason I'm here,
'cause you've trusted me.
448
00:24:50,576 --> 00:24:52,840
You've had faith in me
right from the beginning.
449
00:24:52,911 --> 00:24:54,344
That's right.
450
00:24:55,681 --> 00:24:57,273
Like the first week...
451
00:24:58,750 --> 00:25:01,310
when you couldn't
hold down solid food.
452
00:25:05,123 --> 00:25:06,647
Remember you held my head?
453
00:25:06,725 --> 00:25:09,421
I don't want some new guy
holdin' my head.
454
00:25:09,494 --> 00:25:10,791
Thanks.
455
00:25:10,863 --> 00:25:12,330
Remember that day...
456
00:25:12,397 --> 00:25:16,834
when we spent the entire morning
readjusting these damn plants?
457
00:25:16,902 --> 00:25:20,633
Listen, you are the one
that wanted these plants.
458
00:25:20,706 --> 00:25:22,697
But then you got upset...
459
00:25:22,774 --> 00:25:26,301
because you said you couldn't see
the Hollywood sign or the sunset.
460
00:25:26,378 --> 00:25:28,903
Well, you know...
Well, the sunrise.
461
00:25:28,981 --> 00:25:31,142
Sunset. It's a nighttime show.
462
00:25:31,216 --> 00:25:34,652
We're facing east,
so it's actually the sun rising.
463
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,017
West.
464
00:25:36,088 --> 00:25:39,785
You considered that stuck-up
little shit, didn't you?
465
00:25:40,692 --> 00:25:44,890
I had every right to consider him.
466
00:25:46,865 --> 00:25:48,856
Damn right you did.
467
00:25:48,934 --> 00:25:50,925
I taught you well.
468
00:25:54,006 --> 00:25:55,940
Come on.
What do you think?
469
00:25:56,008 --> 00:25:59,967
I would dump someone I love just because
some new good-looking guy comes along?
470
00:26:01,413 --> 00:26:04,678
You know, I'm always telling you
how funny you are...
471
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:06,615
and how well your clothes fit...
472
00:26:06,685 --> 00:26:09,449
and how your ass
doesn't look fat in pants.
473
00:26:09,521 --> 00:26:11,853
I don't do that because I have to.
474
00:26:11,924 --> 00:26:13,516
I do it because...
475
00:26:16,828 --> 00:26:19,524
I love you, you bastard.
476
00:26:19,598 --> 00:26:22,362
I don't want you
to see me like this.
477
00:26:23,602 --> 00:26:26,002
So, you're gonna stay, right?
478
00:26:29,608 --> 00:26:30,870
Thanks.
479
00:26:30,943 --> 00:26:32,604
- Hey, Lare.
- Hey, Morty.
480
00:26:32,678 --> 00:26:34,578
You know Robert Morton?
481
00:26:34,646 --> 00:26:38,173
How could I forget him?
Co-exec producer for the Letterman show.
482
00:26:38,250 --> 00:26:40,616
- Right. We're having lunch today.
- Oh, yeah.
483
00:26:41,987 --> 00:26:43,921
Artie, it is just lunch.
484
00:26:43,989 --> 00:26:47,823
Come on. We're just having lunch.
I swear to God.
485
00:26:47,893 --> 00:26:50,157
Great to see you.
How are you?
486
00:26:50,228 --> 00:26:51,820
I'm great. Thank you.
487
00:26:51,897 --> 00:26:53,990
- You know my producer Artie.
- Sure. Hi, Artie.
488
00:26:54,066 --> 00:26:56,227
- How are you doing?
- I'm fine. Thanks.
489
00:26:56,301 --> 00:26:59,737
Man, you guys sure have
a lot of fuckin' plants on this set.
490
00:26:59,787 --> 00:27:04,337
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