All language subtitles for The Larry Sanders Show s01e01 What Have You Done.eng

You folks see
that flashing sign up there?

Now, that sign says "applesauce."

No, no, I'm kidding.
It says "applause."

Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once?

All right.
Now, remember.

You're all a big part of the show, so
the better you are, the better Larry is.

You see this gentleman?
He's giving me this sign...

and it says,
"We're on in ten seconds."

So get ready to have a good time.
All right, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

In five, four, three, two...

Live on tape from Hollywood,
The Larry Sanders Show.

Tonight join Larry and his guests
Harrison Ford...

ShirleyJones, Jody Watley...

and me... hey now...
Hank Kingsley.

And now, because only he brings out
the natural luster of the wood...

Larry Sanders!

Thank you. Thank you.

Welcome.

Thank you very much.

Welcome. Thanks for coming
to the show tonight.

You are already so much better
than last night's audience...

who came in here
and looted the place.

I wanna thank them
for returning the couch and Hank.

So how many of you saw
Bill Clinton on Arsenio Hall...

when he played the sax?

Well, good to know
you're watching my competition.

Actually, I'm a little frustrated
because we had Jerry Brown on this show.

He didn't actually play
a number with the band...

but he did score them
some great coke.

Sonny Bono did not get elected
to a senate seat here in California.

That's when you know
you live in California...

when you look on the ballot and Sonny
Bono is running for a senate seat.

I was really leaning
towards voting...

for the Captain
of Captain and Tennille...

because evidently, he at least
has some military experience.

Ted Kennedy got married
this last weekend...

and boy, he's gonna be in for a surprise
when he sobers up, huh?

The only reason that...
Did you like that joke, Hank?

- I liked it very much.
- Well, you're mistaken.

The only reason I'm not running
for president this year...

I swear to God,
is I am afraid no woman...

would come forward to say
she had sex with me.

I swear, I feel I would be doing
one of those CNN interviews...

Iooking into the camera going,
"Come on, Suzie.

You know you did it with me.
Say something."

We have a wonderful show. Harrison Ford,
ShirleyJones, Jody Watley.

Don't flip around.
We'll be right back.

- That was a very funny show.
- I thought so too.

I didn't know Harrison Ford
did impressions.

His Carol Channing was terrific.

It was. You know, Patriot Games
should have been a musical.

He could have played all the parts.

Oh, Paula,
I thought ShirleyJones...

was gonna tell the story
about Marty Ingels at K-Mart.

So did I.
Perhaps she was nervous and forgot.

It doesn't matter.
The woman's a babe.

- For God's sake.
- Remember in the Partridge Family?

You could see her thigh between
that short skirt and the boots?

- I still see it.
- I hope no one heard that.

- Good show tonight.
- Like you saw it.

- I watched it in your office.
- Really? What was your favorite part?

- The monologue.
- There's a monologue in every show.

I really watched it tonight.

They're in the conference room
and they're ready whenever you are.

Thank you, Beverly.

Network meeting.
Come on.

- No. No!
- Come on. Come on. It's the network!

It doesn't matter how many times
you say it. I'm still gonna say no.

- Who's gonna be there?
- Some of our pals.

The president of the network,
sensational Shel...

new vice president of programming,
Melanie Parish.

Fuck me. I can't go.

I'm not just saying this, Artie.
I got a pain.

Fine. You just go home.

I'll come over later and stick
a red hot poker up your ass.

- We'll call it even.
- Okay. You have my address, right?

- And your poker size.
- Okay.

- Sheldon, how are you?
- Fine, Arthur. Hello, Larry.

Hi, Shel. A network president shouldn't
be allowed to say Hello, Larry.

You crazy bastard,
you ever get that gazebo repainted?

We had this little barbecue at Shel's,
just us and the wives...

and this jackass goes wild
with the lighter fluid and...

- Sheldon, please get this started.
- Right.

Arthur, Larry,
you know Melanie Parish.

- Oh, sure. Hi.
- Well, she's out here now.

She's in charge
of late night programming.

Gentlemen, I'll be brief.
We all know...

what the economic climate of network
television is like out there right now.

We're getting kicked in the balls.

There's video markets. There's cable.
It's trench warfare.

So, our number one problem,
math-wise...

Iost viewers equals lost advertisers
equals lost revenues.

What do we do to keep
our advertisers happy...

other than giving them
free hand jobs?

We've talked to some of your sponsors.
We've asked what we can do for them.

It's come back to us this way:

They want you to do live commercials
as part of the show.

- They want it, that means we want it.
- You can see how this would help us.

Well, you know,
knowing the sponsors the way I do...

I just think they would respond more
to the hand jobs.

But you're asking me, actually,
to do live commercials?

- You have a problem with that?
- No, I just, uh...

My only concern would be
the style of the show...

we've established over the years.

I'm not sure that live commercials
actually would mesh with that style.

You don't want to do it?

No, I didn't say that. Artie?

Melanie, I'd like to jump in,
if I might.

Oh, that's a lovely thing
you have at your neck, by the way.

I think that what Larry's
trying to say...

is that we have no real problem
with the live commercial concept.

Absolutely not.

It's just a matter of finding
the right man for this job.

Now, I don't know if you know...

but Hank Kingsley does a hell
of a lot of fine commercial work.

He does the adjustable bed.
He does the medical alert necklace.

Excuse me.
Melanie, if I may.

The thing is,
Hank does too much commercial work.

He's way overexposed.
His saturation level is very high.

- I don't think that's true.
- He's doing the Green Giant spots.

Is that Hank?

You can't really tell because
you only see him from the knees down.

I didn't know that.
Hank's the fucking Green Giant?

We love Hank, but he is
a little overexposed.

He certainly hasn't got the cache
of a Larry Sanders.

Look, you guys know
I'll do anything that I can.

- Look, I'm gonna have to be blunt here.
- Is that right?

In a fiscal sense,
your show just isn't cutting it.

I think you should take
a serious interest in that fact...

and do whatever you can
to reverse it.

Because...
Well, I'm warning you.

Our parent company cannot and will not
carry your show in deficit.

And that comes directly from
Unidac Electronics.

Gee, I didn't know we were still owned
by the garage-door opener people.

That's just one of many products
they're known for.

And yes, Mr. Sanders,
they do still own you.

They're a couple payments short,
but that's another discussion.

- What would the commercial be for?
- The Garden Weasel.

That is no way to talk
about Miss Parish.

I just don't feel right about this.

There are no other talk show hosts
who do their own commercials.

Exactly.

Honey, it's no big deal.
It's just a commercial.

You're funny. You'll make it funny.
It's a garden widget.

- It's a...
- The name alone is funny.

Garden Weasel, honey.
It's the Garden Weasel.

- Even funnier.
- The Garden Weasel.

Weasel's funnier.

I'm sure that bitch Melanie's
laughing her ass off.

- She's not that bad.
- She isn't that bad?

Artie said when we got
out of the meeting...

"I swear I killed
that woman in Korea."

- The fucking dog's at it again.
- Yeah, he's always at it.

Would you act like a dog,
for God's sakes?

- Oh, honey.
- Let me show you this.

- He thinks he's doing good.
- I've never shown you this before.

Honey, it's not your
Make Me Laugh audition tape, is it?

No, but if you want
to see that again, just...

You sure? Okay.

Don't look directly
at the set, honey.

This is a commercial I did
in 1979.

From the Pan Am files.

I was halfway to Fort Worth,
when all of a sudden it hit me...

I'd left my briefcase
back at the terminal atJFK.

Well, I thought I was sunk.

But then I told the stewardess,
and she told the captain, and...

Well, let me put it this way.

My briefcase got to Fort Worth
before I did.

Can I get you anything else?

No thanks.
You've already done more than enough.

The art of flying.

Honey, look.

If you don't want to do
the Weasel thing, just...

I'm not in the mood
for sex talk, honey.

If you don't want to do the commercial,
just tell them.

- It's not like they can force you.
- I'm not in a position to say no.

They'll think I'm an asshole.
They'll think I'm not a team player.

Before you know it, I won't be able
to get repairs made in the studio.

I won't be able to get guests I want.
Hank and I will be sharing an office.

I'm a day away from just being
the funny weather man in Tuscon.

"Oh, but on this good side,
it's dry heat."

Paula says Robert Hays
is booked on the show tonight...

but he fell in the shower and he's
seeing shapes and colors and stuff.

Perfect.
I won't ask him anything tough.

Okay. Melanie Parish,
she's called four times.

She'd like to know if you're gonna
be doing that Garden Weasel spot.

Tell Melanie that I will do the spots
with great delight.

I will tell Melanie
you will do the Garden Weasel.

- With great delight.
- With great delight.

Good.

Excuse me, Larry.
Hank would like to speak with you.

And you're clearing the way...

because Hank won't come in here
on his own?

Did you, by any chance,
feel an earthquake...

- about 20 minutes ago?
- I did not feel an earthquake.

- Okay, but I think today is the day.
- You say that every day.

Tell Hank to come in.

Larry, Darlene said
you wanted to see me.

What's on your mind,
for God's sakes?

- Permission to speak freely?
- Permission granted.

Well, I just heard
through the grapevine...

that we're thinking of doing
a live commercial on the show tonight.

I was wondering...

I was concerned why, you know,
I was not consulted.

I understand how you feel.

The thing is, it's a commercial
for the Garden Weasel.

- That's right.
- I know the Garden Weasel.

I use the Garden Weasel.

And I have a good relationship
with the Garden Weasel people.

They're good people.

Well, Hank, I want you to know I told
them I wanted you to do the spots.

And they said?

I don't remember what they said.

That one Green Giant spot
has really been a monkey on my back.

I'll tell you one thing:
If they ever ask you...

to put on a pair of green tights...

no matter how much they offer you,
you just walk away.

- Walk away.
- I'll remember that.

Are you sure you're feeling
up to this, Mr. Hays?

- I'm fine.
- We can always reschedule you.

I'm fine.

Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Do you want me to call a doctor?

Mommy? Mommy,
why can't I ride the dog?

I had you going, didn't I?
I had you going.

- That's really funny, Robert.
- Well, I was in Airplane 2.

- Okay?
- Yeah. What is it?

Look who's here. Don't look.
I think she saw you look.

- I swear I killed her in the war.
- You used that line yesterday.

It's not a line.
It's a real concern.

Could we just walk?
I don't want her to see me.

I don't feel right about
doing this commercial.

You don't want to do it?
Just say the word. I'll take care of it.

I'll take a shot at it.

It's just that I don't even own
a Garden Weasel.

Never used one. It's a little unethical,
don't you think?

Unethical? Geez, Larry,
don't start pulling at that thread.

Our whole world will unravel.

Thanks for the upbeat thought
before the monologue.

- What do you got here?
- Larry Sanders!

How are you feeling?
Didn't you, by the way, fall?

I know you were almost gonna
cancel tonight.

You fell in the shower?
Is that it?

This is how I see it.

I think as I was stepping out...

I was standing there,
dripping wet, stark naked.

If you men could please
just settle down.

Geez! Well, I'll end up...
I'll send Hank out there dripping wet.

Yeah, you know not
what you applaud for.

Okay, so now you're standing naked,
dripping wet in the bathroom.

And l...
I dropped the towel.

I bent over to pick it up,
and I saw the reflection in the mirror.

It kind of shocked me.
I stood up, slipped, and...

I didn't know what that was.
I was...

Well, maybe you caught the reflection
in that magnifying makeup mirror.

Didn't you get those little flower
applique things I sent you?

I sent you a whole pack that
you're supposed to stick on.

I stick them to the bottom of my feet
so you don't slide anywhere.

You go into a public shower...
What? Commercial?

We have to take a commercial.

Do we? So what else?
Anything else we need to know?

Oh, gee,
by the sound of that piano...

I guess we really do have
to take a commercial break.

Bob, thanks for being here.
We'll talk some more.

Stand by. I just have to take
a quick break here.

I want to welcome a new sponsor
to The Larry Sanders Show.

If you'll come this way.

I'd like to, uh...

welcome you to the world
of the Garden Weasel.

You know,
if you've got a green thumb...

And by the way,
if you do I know a specialist...

you'll really marvel at
how simple a tool this is.

It can really save you hours
of backbreaking work.

Let's see. I'm about
100 yards off the green here.

I'll try a five Weasel.

No more weeding
on your hands and knees.

You just gently glide your Weasel.

And by the way,
it's been years since I've said that.

You just glide the Weasel
in between your, let's say, plants.

"Look, Ma, I'm making valuable mulch."

Hello, Mr. Hoffa.

I hitJimmy Hoffa.

And the blades are removable
for easy cleaning.

A few glitches,
but overall a terrific show.

- Very funny.
- Oh, Miss Parish.

- We need to talk.
- Sure.

I thought the commercial went great.
I managed to say mulch and...

What you did out there just now
was in no way, shape or form...

remotely like an acceptable
commercial spot.

What we're trying to do here,
Mr. Sanders... Larry...

is please the sponsors,
not antagonize them.

I feel quite certain our client
didn't expect to hear...

the name of a dead Teamster
used as a selling point.

I must tell you...
Artie?

Miss Parish,
let me clarify something for you.

Rumor has it
this is a very funny guy.

When you ask Larry Sanders to do
a commercial, you get Larry Sanders.

I mean, the commercial was funny.
I think it worked.

Your sponsors should be delighted.

Well, I really don't have time
for any of this anyway.

Just say the copy as written.
I'll see you tomorrow night.

- You know the truly frightening thing?
- What?

I'm really turned on right now.

- Do you think you can deprogram him?
- Well, it's not really deprogramming.

It's behavior modification through
positive reinforcement and treats.

I understand that.
I used to be single.

But, uh, please...

What behavior
do you want me to correct?

All of it.

By the way, I bought a Garden Weasel
this morning, and I love it.

- Did you see the commercial?
- It was very funny.

Wasn't that funny?
You see, honey, that's two of us.

You tell that Korean woman
that she's wrong.

She is not Korean.
Everybody thinks she's Korean.

All I'm saying is that
the commercial worked.

Do you use a Garden Weasel?

Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.

My God, a somersault!
Where did you get this dog?

Well, we had a trainer on my show.

He had a wonderful dog act,
and then I fell in love with the dog.

- Bill was getting ready to retire.
- Bill Acres?

Yeah, I think that was it.
Bill Acres, yeah.

I'm sorry, but no.

This is a superbly trained animal.

I can't touch him. That would be
like painting over a Picasso.

I'm sorry.
I have to leave.

Chopper.

Door.

Good-bye, Mr. And Mrs. Sanders.

And the patented tilling action
digs deep into the soil...

and aerates all the way down
to the roots.

You know,
here's something I don't understand.

Weasels. Aren't they rodents? Why would
you name something after a rodent?

I mean, think about it.
It's not a nice thing.

Why not just call it
the Amazing Rat Stick?

- The Amazing Rat Stick?
- Too far?

Should I have said
the Fabulous Vermin Instrument?

I'm doing the best I can.
Other than that, I stuck to the copy.

Do you want me to fuck with your budget?
Is that what you want me to do?

- Where's Arthur?
- I don't know.

I am talking to you!

- Mr. Sanders!
- Artie?

Not here, Miss Parish.

Please.

Boy, you know,
don't ever come on to my set...

and talk to me like that
in front of my people again.

I pay your people, my friend,
and I pay you.

I can talk to you
any damn way I see fit!

What is your problem, exactly? I don't
think this is about the commercial.

I don't think you like me.
I don't think you like my show.

It's not my favorite,
but let's talk about problems.

What's your problem? I think
it bugs you to take orders from a woman.

If you were a guy,
I'd take you outside right now.

- If you were a guy, I'd go.
- As a rule, I don't hit women.

But this rule doesn't apply.

You don't have any problems with women.
How many times have you been married?

How many times
have you slept with Sheldon?

- Easy, easy.
- That's a beauty.

I know.
I was tying my shoes this morning...

I walked into the door,
bumped my head.

- Whatever.
- No, that's what really happened.

- All right, a woman hit me.
- Melanie.

- How'd you know that?
- Well, everyone in the loop knows.

- You're kidding?
- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Hank.
- Whoa, what a shiner!

- What happened to you?
- Melanie Parish hit me.

No, really.
Softball? Doorknob?

- Doorknob.
- Oh.

Can I ask you something
about these commercials?

I don't know what the heck
I'm doing out there.

I need a little advice. You've done,
like, 20,000 of these things.

- Tell me something.
- Well, everybody thinks it's easy.

It isn't. It's an art.

Okay, well, look.

Now, if you don't believe
in your product...

you gotta substitute something
you do believe in.

For instance,
when I'm out there pitching...

the pearl cream
that keeps you looking young...

Right, right.
I've seen that.

- Do you know what I'm thinking?
- You're not thinking about the cream?

- No, sir, I'm not.
- What are you thinking about?

America.

Everything she stands for.

You know, the joy of growing your own
fruits, vegetables and flowers...

can turn into heartache
and backache...

all because of weeding.

There's a way to weed that's...

- Hank?
- Yes, sir?

Come on over here a minute.
You know...

if you're gonna talk Garden Weasel,
you gotta go right to the main weasel.

You use one of these
in your garden at home, don't you?

Yes, indeed, I do.

Why don't you tell us about it.

- Really?
- Yeah, come on.

All right. Well, um, friends...

You say you love those
fresh flowers and veggies...

but you're tired of the aches and pains
that come with weeding?

Well, I'm here to tell you
your weeding days are over.

Can I hear you say, "Hey now"?

Hey now!

Pretty good. But can I hear you say,
"Hey now"?

You see, friends,
I have here in my hands...

Well, it's a miracle
of gardening engineering.

Ladies and gentlemen,
say hello to the Garden Weasel.

Hello, Garden Weasel!

Now, this Garden Weasel...

This Garden Weasel
does the work of ten men and a boy.

How many boys, Hank?

One small boy.

Now, it digs, it digs,
it digs deep down...

and turns them nasty weeds
into valuable mulch.

Your knees will thank you...

your flowers will thank you
and your veggies will thank you.

So, for the Garden Weasel...

this is Farmer Kingsley and...

Farmer Sanders.

Saying...

You all come back now,
you hear?

There you go, Shel.
Television at its finest, huh?

It works, Larry.

Well, I'll tell ya,
Hank's a master at these things.

He is!

This is the way I think
these commercials should be done.

Exactly. This is why
the Garden Weasel people...

want you to do more
of you and Hank together.

The two of you, as a team,
you're fabulous.

Look, Shel, there's something
I want to say...

about doing the commercials
with Hank, and I want...

- What Larry's gonna say is...
- No, no, Artie.

What I'm gonna say is no.
I can't do these commercials.

This has gone on long enough.
I'm not comfortable doing these.

By the way, unless we're all
fucking blind, I stink at doing them.

And if Unidac Electronics
has a little problem with this...

they can screw a lightbulb up my ass
and use me as a desk lamp.

- Any thoughts?
- No, but I'd like to...

I'm not sure anyone wants to hear
what you gotta say, young lady.

Don't take this as a threat,
but I killed a man like you in Korea...

hand to hand.

My boy doesn't want to do
any more commercials.

From now on, you'll talk to me.
Understood, my friend, Shel?

- I'll be in the car, Sheldon.
- There's no problem, Larry.

- You sure?
- Sure. Don't worry about anything.

Sheldon, if you really want
to try this once or twice, no problem.

- Really?
- Artie?

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