All language subtitles for The Goldbergs s08e18 The Dating Game.eng

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
there was no show quite like The Dating Game,

where bachelors
and bachelorettes competed

with innuendo-filled questions
for a chance at romance.

If I were a car,
describe the hand-wash I could expect from you.

The words they're saying
are innocent,

but the meanings are not.
(CHUCKLES)

Just so you know, Squishy,
if we were ever on this show,

I'd pick you every time.

In what world would we be
on a dating show together?

Never forget I will
always be the first girl you ever kissed.

I never considered that
until now.

...and I act, and I teach.

Is that Ms. Cinoman?

(GIGGLES)
I also salsa dance.

ADULT ADAM: It was.

And my mom and I weren't
the only ones

watching our weird
drama teacher find love.

Yikes.

That lady taught
at your school?

Yep. And as
a recently single woman, I support her.

I'm wearing a corduroy vest
and a denim skirt,

and it goes
all the way down.

Where else would it go?

ADULT ADAM: But no one enjoyed
the game of romance

more than my brother Barry.

If I was one of
these bachelors,

I'd smoke these clowns.
Mm-hmm.

For a date with
a 50-year-old drama teacher?

50 is the new 48,
Matt Bradley.

Open your mind
to all of God's creatures.

Hey, Joanne,
you cool with this?

I don't care
if he window shops,

as long as the only thing
he brings home is me.

And the bacon.

Mmm! She doesn't mean money.

She likes bacon.
Love it.

You know who should
go on The Dating Game?

This sad sack!

Sad sack?

You're basically
the human equivalent

of a dropped
ice-cream cone

with ants on it
and a bootprint.

I saw this doc where whales
that sing out of key get lost and die alone.

You're sadder.

I heard you weeping
in the bathroom.

Okay, I'm a little down,
but that doesn't mean I'm ready to date.

So you're just
gonna be single?

What? "Single"
is not a bad word!

Here's some other words
for you...

Alone, abandoned, forsaken,
deserted, Albuquerque.

I appreciate
everyone's concern,

but this breakup with Erica
is all about finding myself.

And the best way
to find yourself is to find someone else.

Preferably a crazy brunette
with tons of red flags.

Aww! (GIGGLES)

I'm just mean to waiters
and have no female friends.

No biggie.

I'm actually doing
pretty good on my own.

Do explain.
I don't believe you.

Well, I recently
rekindled an old flame

with my first love,
Arabella.

Tell us all about her!
What's she like?

She's got some
pretty sweet curves,

and we make some
beautiful music together.

Arabella's your cello,
isn't she?

You know it.
(GROANS)

(CELLO PLAYS OUT OF TUNE)

It sounds like
ghosts are screaming.

Make bad noise stop!
On it, babe!

Quit it!
No! Not my only lady!

Gimme it!
Dude!

** I'm twisted up inside

** But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

** I don't know the future

** But the past keeps getting
clearer every day **

ADULT ADAM: It was April 21st,
1980-something,

and despite
some initial bumps,

my dad's new
business partnership

was about to pay off.

Great news, fellas!

I told ya
white wicker furniture was a gold mine!

Nothing adorns
a tasteful sunroom

better than
a woven rattan.

Those saps slurped it up
like Mom's matzoh.

Well, not my mom, because
she was a horrible cook,

an even worse woman,
but you know what I mean.

Wicker and soup.
Enough said.

There's more.
Much more!

Is this a mistake?
No mistake.

I've never seen
so many numbers! Look at 'em all.

There's seven a-and nine

and... A-and they brought
their old pal three.

And yours doesn't have
as many zeroes as mine does.

Thank you for putting
my joyful moment into perspective.

Welcome to the world
of the filthy rich.

You get one free murder.
Use it wisely.

What should I do
with this?

Murray, listen
to your best friend.

Is that you in this case?

Think big!

Do something that
will cow your enemies or shame your family.

Or... Something nice.

I'm gonna get a Vespa scooter.
It's a whole culture.

Well, that's a crap example.
But sure!

ADULT ADAM: This kind
of cash was a whole new ballgame for my dad,

but to everyone's surprise,

he stepped up to the plate
and took a big swing.

I did it! I did the thing,
and it is big!

Just make sure
you lit a candle by the sink this time.

No, moron!
I bought something!

Bevy, care to guess?

A riding lawnmower so
I don't have to push anymore?

No! Something
I would never do.

Salsa lessons and then we go
salsa dancing every night,

then we get all caught up
in the salsa lifestyle

and we open a casino
in Havana?

Even more life-changing.

You purchased something
more life-changing

than quitting your lives in
America and pursuing dance?

I bought a beach house!

What did he say?
Beach house!

I think he said
"bean chow."

He wants to eat more beans.
That makes the most sense.

I bought... A house...

On the beach.

Is this real?

Does constant nagging
actually work?

You're welcome, m'lady.

Every summer, that Jane Bales
rolls off to her shore home

like she's better than me.

Well, guess what!
I'm better than me!

Suck it, Jane!

I guess we're
beach people now.

Not me. (SCOFFS)
I burn easily.

And waves are just
God's punches.

Well, get some sunscreen
and some courage,

'cause now the sea
is your best friend.

(KEYPAD BEEPING)
Oh, I gotta call my friends.

Hey, it's me. Gather
the rest of the moo crew

and drag your rumps
over here.

I've got a life-altering
announcement!

(CHUCKLING)
A beach house!

Well, this better be good.

I left the tennis club
for this.

Oh, you play tennis?

I know that you don't know,

but that's a very
non-tennis club member thing to ask.

Here's something
you don't know...

I have a beach house.

And it's not
a crappy timeshare like yours, Ginzy.

Wait. It's not
a timeshare, is it?

Full-time!
In your face, Ginzy!

Have fun in your sad
November beach house

filled with other people's
silverware.

Oh, well, we were
actually thinking

of going to Greece
this summer, so... No one cares!

(SINGSONG VOICE)
I have a summer house.

Bevy, that's so exciting. Hey,
if there's a free weekend...

No. First rule of our
beach house... "No moochers."

It's on a driftwood sign
covered in seashells.

So where is the beach house?
Margate? Ventnor?

I don't know,
because my romantic

and spontaneous husband
surprised me.

Did you marry
someone new?

Nope, it was me,

her dynamic and handsome
first husband.

Well, I hate to rush you out,
but managing two households

is extremely time-consuming,

so thanks for
being jealous, everyone.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom
couldn't wait to see her new beach house,

Erica and Geoff couldn't stay
far enough away from each other...

Despite trying very hard.

Holy crap!

Finally, my brother and Joanne
decided to end the awkwardness.

(GASPS) It's a trap!
Gotta go!

No, no! No!
Get over here.

This has to stop.

What has to stop?
Nothing has to stop.

I'm not weird.
You're weird.

We can't have this tension.
You have to figure it out.

You're right.

We can be friends,
right, Geoff?

Friends. I can do that.

So would you...
Join me for a friend coffee?

Sounds lovely, friend.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So...
So...

Enough terrible
small talk.

I'll start the ball rolling.

Geoff's gonna be
on The Dating Game.

I am?
He is?

But I didn't even sign up.
I did.

Ms. Cinoman gave me
the number of a producer,

and I badgered him
with my unique brand

of persuasive energy
until he said yes.

I didn't know we were
seeing other people.

We're not. I... I'm not.
I don't control you.

Not that I controlled you
when we were together,

which we're not
anymore, so...

(SIGHS) Nice. Nice.

Save that gold
for the show.

If you want to go
on a dating show

in front of millions
of people, you can.

You're okay with this?

Why not? We're friends,
and I support my friends.

Then I'm totally
gonna do it.

This tomcat
is back on the prowl.

Meow! It sounded better
in my head.

Now it's Erica's turn.

Attention, diner patrons!

This gal's single
and has a decent frame.

Makeup will fix the rest.

(CHUCKLES)

Come over here. See?

Isn't this way better?

ADULT ADAM: As Erica and Geoff
were in hell,

my mom was having
a day at the beach.

Ohh, we've got
a beach house!

Open your eyes
and take a look at your dream house.

(GASPS)

(OMINOUS CHORDS STRIKING)

ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately,
it looked more like a nightmare.

Well, this is something.

I think I've seen
this place on the news.

I bet you have.

It used to be a home
for unwanted children.

If these walls could talk.

They would scream?

There's just so much
to take in.

(CHUCKLES)
You know? Like...

What the hell
are you wearing?

Dad made me! He keeps yelling
I'm a beach kid now.

Damn right you are.

And you're gonna make
a sand angel,

and you're gonna have
sandball fights,

and you're gonna carve
a beautiful sandman!

Sandman? The guy
that makes you sleep?

I don't know beach talk,
but I do know this...

You better not spoil
your mom's dream.

Dream, yes. (CHUCKLES)
That's what this is.

Oh, so much character.

A character from
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Ah, so it needs
a little cleaning up.

We'll paint, we'll patch,
badda boom badda bing, it'll be a home!

We'll all do it
together.

Together, yes.

That is something
I've definitely said before.

Because I'm the best.

You really are, Murray.
I love it.

I (BLEEP) hate it.

You hate it?

I'm wearing a shirt
that says "Surf City."

Where is this place?
It's so generic.

Why don't you
just tell him?

Because I'm dumping this dump
without him knowing it.

Sounds good,
but let's not insult

the haunted house
while we're in it.

While my mom had
one foot out the door,

Erica couldn't believe

Geoff had hit
the dating ground running.

I just thought that I'd be
the first one to move on

and he would dress up
a mannequin in my clothes and spoon it at night.

You need to get back
out there, too.

But a ton more,
with, like,

faceless guys who work
with their hands.

Sometimes their hands
are strong.

Either way,
it's new and scary.

Very specific to you,
and I don't think I'm ready.

Well, get ready.
See that cute guy over there?

He's already given you
three refills.

He totally digs you.
(GASPS)

(SINGSONG VOICE)
And he's coming over here.

What? No, no, no.
I can't talk to human boys.

Oh, here's one now.

Can I top you off?
Sure.

(MUG SLIDES)
Love your beans.

Coffee beans, I mean.

(CHUCKLES)
Other beans I like... Garbanzo, pinto, mung.

(THUD, DISH RATTLES)
Ow!

So, Heat.
That's an unusual name.

Are your parents big fans
of NBA expansion teams?

It's Heath.
Like the candy bar.

You can call me
Whatchamacallit.

(THUD)
Ow!

So, I'm wondering,
do you maybe want to hang out sometime?

Wow.
So I guess I didn't have to list off all those beans.

(THUD)
Ow!

And, yes, for sure.
Let's hang.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
fumbled her way into a date,

Barry was prepping Geoff
for game-show success.

Winning The Dating Game
is all about one thing.

(GIGGLES)
ANUS.

I thought there was nothing
that could make me

want to do this less,
but there it is.

A is for "Alpha Status."

You need to dominate the other
contestants around you by saying things like,

"Wow, Bachelor Number Two,

"have your eyes
always been so far apart,

"or is your mother
an elephant seal?"

I thought
it was light flirting and being affable,

but I'll be awful, I guess.

Moving on to U and S,
a.k.a. "Us."

Wait. Us?
What about the N?

N in this case
stands for "nothing."

I just really wanted
to spell "Anus."

Now, "us" are gonna help you
with some role playing.

Joanne will be
our bachelorette. Ooh.

Matt Bradley, Geoff, and I
will be bachelors.

Naked Rob,
hoot and holler as needed.

What? No!
Please don't make me reply to my sister's sexy innuendos.

You will.

Jo-Jo, ask your brother/suitor
a sexually charged question.

JOANNE: Bachelor Number One,

say we're stuck
in a glass elevator...

Yeah, I'm out.
No! Back in!

Blood relative or not,
you need practice talking suggestively.

Say the words.

Gah. Fine.

I guess I would push
all the right buttons?

(GROANING)
I'm your sister, you weirdo!

You have the same mom!

I guess he's over Erica.
I'm gonna go.

Okay.
Yeah, bye. (SCOFFS)

We did good work here.

MATT: Yeah.
(DOOR CLOSES)

ADULT ADAM: My mom
wasn't exactly thrilled

with my dad's
surprise purchase,

but she was never
one without a plan.

Wait a tick. I don't want
any part of whatever this is.

Can't a woman bring
macadamia muffins

to her husband's
best friend anymore?

Sweet Hawaiian gold.
Macadamias are my weakness.

I just need
a little help first.

You're a contractor,
right?

I sell tile!

So you have a hammer.
It's all the same.

Please just ask me whatever
hugely imposing favor this is.

Murray has bought
a beach house.

How incredibly generous
of him.

It's a dump and I hate it!

And now we know
why you're here.

You want me to say
the terrible things so you don't have to.

You tell Murray
how costly it'll be to fix.

The thought of spending
a single penny more will reawaken his cheapness,

and then I won't have
to live in the house from The Munsters.

I'm available next Tuesday.

We're going now.

Well. (SIGHS)

Mur-man,
I'm not gonna lie to you.

This is more than
a paint-and-patch.

That sounds
like big bucks.

Please, Bill,
be more specific.

You need new drywall.
Drywall? That's easy.

Uh, anything else?
Maybe something that isn't easy?

And new floors, I guess.

You guess or you know?

I don't want to crash
through to whatever lurks beneath here.

Is quicksand
just a jungle thing?

Uh, that mold is, uh, deadly,

and it'll eat
your whole family.

Okay, well, Bill
took that too far there,

but, uh, how does that
make you feel, Mur?

Like you want to maybe
reconsider everything?

Mold? (CHUCKLES)

I just got some new cream
for my toenails.

I'll plop it on the wall,
it'll all disappear.

Bill, can I speak to you
over here

next to the water damage
that made a face?

Yeah.

What the hell
are you doing?

I'm sorry, but look at him.
I'm not gonna take his happiness.

Take it! There's not
that much there.

He won't even know
it's gone!

(BILL SIGHS)
Hey.

What are you doing in here

and not out
on the crystal brown waters of the Atlantic?

Why do you want me
to surf so bad?

You're the only one not
embracing our beach lifestyle.

Now go on out there
and ride the big kahuna.

Is that a person?

I don't know who it is!
But he's out there.

Well... No easy way
to say this, Mur-man.

It's gonna cost you
an arm and a leg to fix this place up.

Bill, there's
no amount of money I wouldn't spend

to put a smile on
this little lady's face.

Last week you got mad at me
for having grocery ketchup.

Well, those little packets
are everywhere, but this is different.

I know it'll take some work,
but over time, we'll get it done.

Time, as in the one thing
we can never get more of?

That and gallbladders.
Found that out the hard way.

Bill, get out.
You drove me here.

Fine.

ADULT ADAM:
While my mom's plan had gone awry,

Geoff was putting
Barry's Dating Game training into action.

Bachelor Number Two,
I love to laugh.

How could I tickle
your funny bone?

Well, Mandy,
I may never laugh again

after seeing
Bachelor Number One's hideous face.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
I'm so sorry.

I-I think your face
is lovely.

Oof. Rough start.

Yeah, I don't know. I think
he's just nervous. Hey...

Shushy-shush.
TV's talking.

If you were
ordering me a steak,

how would you say
I like my meat?

I'd go with rare.

And you know
what else is rare?

The shape of
Bachelor Number Three's head.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
I'm so sorry.

I feel like outside of this
we could be friends.

Wait. Is he kind of
succeeding?

I love watching baseball.

What's your
favorite position?

I'd have to say bat boy,

because I'm helpful
and organized.

(LAUGHS) Crash and burn!
He is so done.

You know, in my novel,
we actually...

Okay, zip it, yakkity yak.
Mandy's about to pick a winner.

I choose...

Bachelor Number Two!
Hey, that's me!

What the hell?

ANNOUNCER: We're whisking
you two lovebirds away

on an all-expenses-paid dinner
at Bookbinder's,

home of the world-famous
Snapper Soup.

Taste the sea!

You're gonna take me
to Bookbinder's.

Look, I gotta be honest.
I thought this was going really badly.

Nah. Tens from all the judges.
Now let's boogie.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
was off to dinner,

my mom was meeting
with the realtor

to get our new beach house
off of her hands.

Please. Somebody's gotta be
interested in this place.

Yeah, like a true-crime buff
or someone into the occult.

This couldn't get worse.

(HORN HONKS)

JANE: Beverly!
(HORN HONKS)

Ohh...

Is that you?

Jane Bales.
(CHUCKLES)

The ocean air must have
masked your approach.

Well, I heard
you were out here,

so I've been driving around
looking for you.

It took forever, since
I started in the nice areas.

Is this what
you were bragging about?

No, I-I volunteer
to bring meals

to sick and decrepit people
who live in dumps like this.

Charity is so gross.

So gross.

Uh, but isn't that
your odd boy?

Well, he has
a generous spirit, as well,

by feeding and washing
society's trash bin.

What do I do?

He just finished
bathing a man

with the appearance and smell
of pumpkin soup.

Isn't that right, Adam?

Sure. I just washed
a pumpkin man, I-I guess.

Can we go home?

Yes, 'cause this
is not our home,

so we should go
to the one that is.

And which is it?
Is it nearby?

Let's just say, um,
my palatial estate is right on the water

and nothing like
this (BLEEP) shack.

You hate it?

What? Murray, no.

I heard the whole thing.

Then yes.
I-I hate it.

Ohh. I'm just gonna park.

(CHUCKLES)
(GEAR SHIFTER CLICKS)

I thought
this was your dream.

Well, it is, but, like...
Six houses that way.

Oh, more than six, honey.

Why didn't you
just ask me first?

Because I thought I was doing
something special for you.

I guess I thought wrong.

Well, silver lining...
I had a great day.

(BUCKLE CLICKS)
Bye!

ADULT ADAM: While my mom
could see she messed up,

Erica was aiming
to catch a glimpse of Bachelor Number Two.

Oh, my God!
It's TV's Geoff and Mandy!

You know, celebrities love
interactions with the public, so let's do it.

Erica?

Geoff?
Oh, my God. Hi.

What are you doing here?

And with the guy
from the coffee shop?

Oh, this
strapping fella?

This is Heath,
and we're on a date.

Me too.
This is Mandy from... Where are you from?

The Dating Game.

Anyway, we're together.
You're together.

I mean, check us out.
We're like two perfect puzzle pieces.

Except one puzzle piece
doesn't wear deodorant.

Oh, that stuff is toxic.

Yeah, and so are the smells
that it prevents.

Yeah, well, that arm's
not the only arm

getting draped
over a lady tonight.

Come on in here, Mandy.

Yeah, this is all
moving really fast.

Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry!

I'm messing with you!
I'll do anything.

Oh.
Okay, that's enough.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we were just friends being friends.

You didn't come here
to stop my date, did you?

Of course not!
I came here to taste the sea!

And all right, Mandy.
It's a restaurant,

not the alley
behind the restaurant.

(CHUCKLES)
You know...

I don't get it, Erica.
You broke up with me.

You told me to go find myself,
and that's what I'm doing.

Come on, Mandy.

(GASPS) Is it shrimp time?
Almost!

ADULT ADAM: Feeling guilty
for having broken my dad's heart,

my mom was looking
to the sea for answers,

but the only thing
coming out of there was me.

Oh, no, Schmoo.
What happened?

I surfed!

Wait. You paddled out there?

No. I went to clean my toes
of icky sand in the water,

but the undertow took me!
(GASPS)

And my feet
couldn't touch bottom! (GASPS)

But that's not
the worst of it.

There was a fin
in the water!

A shark?
Jaws himself!

So what happened?

I scrambled onto my board...
(SMOOCHES)

...just as a wave
yanked me into its grip

and hurled me
toward shore. (GASPS)

And it turns out
that fin was a dolphin!

(GASPS)
(CHUCKLING) And she smiled at me.

So I guess
it kind of worked out.

I get it now.
It's special here.

Dad's right.

Maybe he is.

So, wait. H-How did you
break your board?

Oh, this is from the revolving
door of the Marriott when I went to pee.

♪**♪

(SWEEPING)

Murray...
What's all this?

Too busy hating the house
to come up here?

(CHUCKLING)
I deserve that.

It's kind of wonderful.

It's why
I bought the place.

I know it needs
a lot of work,

but it's also got
a lot of charm.

Kind of like you.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, I thought when
the grandkids go to sleep,

we could come up here,
have a foo-foo drink,

sit and watch the ocean
or something dumb like that.

It's not dumb.
It's sweet.

Look. I'm sorry I bought
this place without you.

It's your dream house.
You should have a say in it.

But I never
had money like that, and I got excited, and...

(SIGHS)
I messed up.

Murray, I'm the one
who should be apologizing.

If you believe
in this house, then so do I.

You're not embarrassed?

Oh, beyond.

But not because
I couldn't see how special the house is, but...

'Cause I couldn't see
how special my husband is.

** Through the night

** And once we start
The meter clicks... **

ADULT ADAM:
While my Mom and Dad finally patched things up

in that broken-down house,

Erica wanted to fix
some things of her own.

Hey. Is Geoff here?

He's at class.

I'll just wait then.

Can I give you
some advice?

I was wrong.

You can't be friends
with your ex.

Stop. I'm just here
to explain last night.

Erica, take it from the guy
who lost the love of his life.

You're only gonna
make it worse.

This is nothing
like you and Lainey.

No, it's harder.

She went away, and I didn't
have to see her every day.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you guys
need to be out of each other's lives for a while.

It's the only way you're
gonna get through this.

It's impossible.

To see him, to not see him.

I just didn't think
it was gonna be this hard.

I know.

And I also know I'm just
your younger, goofy brother,

but I'm always here
for you.

Thanks, Barry.

ADULT ADAM: Life can
get messy sometimes,

whether it's the end
of a relationship,

or even the start of
something new and wonderful.

Either way,
you can always look back...

...but you can only
live forward.

♪**♪

(LAUGHTER)

Okay.

♪**♪

Hey! You were just on
The Dating Game!

What can I do for you?

I'm looking for a chair
to fill out my boudoir.

If you were my chair,
what type would you be?

And don't say La-Z-Boy.

Vic, you have a customer!

Oh, Salesman Number Two.

I'd very much like
to see your love seat.

Oh, my. Your tone is
quite forward. Uh, Bill?

Well, I'm just waiting
for Murray.

I don't even work here.

Yeah, y-you do now.

Huh?
Hmm.

Newly-Hired Sexy
Salesman Number Three,

perhaps you'd like to help me
try out a new mattress.

Oh, just don't get
a water bed.

Those things
will make you seasick.

Not a night goes by
that I don't barf.

Never mind.

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