All language subtitles for The Conners - 03x18 - .CAKES

- Subs by kinglouisxx -
for www.addic7ed.com

- Mark...
- What?

You fell asleep studying for the exam.

Those blue blockers helping
with your eye strain?

Yeah, but they make me look like
the old guy from "Up."

You know, you've been studying

to get into this magnet school
24 hours a day.

I am all for
your neurotic over-achieving,

but you've got to take a break.

I can't.

The kids who get into this school

get into top-tier colleges.

Relax, honey. You're gonna get in.

You're super, super smart.

That's not enough.

I'm competing against rich kids
from the County.

I-I mean, I can scorch the kids
from my school.

They grew up on lead-paint chips
and cheese ball dust.

Okay. Well, what do you need to learn?
I can help you.

Well, what do you know about
the quadratic equation?

That's about water, right?

No, that's "aquatic."

Didn't they teach you that in class?

We didn't get to it.

Nobody in my grade did
because of the pandemic.

We ran out of time.

Oh, okay.

Well, if nobody learned it,
then no sweat.

Everyone taking the test
is going to get it wrong.

N-No, they won't.

The rich kids have private tutors

to teach them all this stuff.

Oh, well, why didn't you tell me?

I mean, maybe we could have
found a tutor to help you.

They're $75 an hour
with a three-hour minimum.

Oh.

Three-hour minimum?

What if you're only one-hour stupid?

It's all right, Mom.

I just have to work a little harder.

I really do
have to get back to studying.

Okay.

I can feel you looking at me
with love and concern.

Knock it off.

3x18 - Cheating, Revelations
And A Box Of Doll Heads

Hey, roomie, want to watch some TV?

I would've come to rehab sooner

if I knew they had
all the good channels.

I can't.

I have to finish my journal entry

before the sun sets
and the Sabbath starts.

How'd you finish yours so fast?

Well, I used the tools I learned here

to unravel the cognitive distortions

that led to my drinking

by listing my past actions.

That's great.

I'm glad to see you're finally
taking this seriously.

Thank you.

Psych!

I watched a couple seasons
of "Real Housewives"

and wrote down what they did.

I mashed a bunch of them
into one person.

Kind of like
an... alcoholic Transformer.

Look, if you're not gonna do the work,

why are you even here?

Because they told me
that they'd teach me

how to stop drinking.

But I've been here for two weeks

and all I've gotten
is a bunch of psycho-babble

about why I drink.

I know why I drink.

My husband died.

That's one of the best reasons
to drink ever.

Maybe you know why you drink,
but the only way to stop

is to realize you're powerless

and let God take over.

I appreciate your input, Rachel,

but we are different people.

For example, I like TV and hot dogs,

and you're a religious nut.

Just because I pray to God
doesn't make me a nut.

If He told me to smother
my roommate with a pillow,

that would make me a nut.

Then again, who am I to question

His divine inspiration?

His?

I know God's a woman

because A, everybody's always
asking her for something,

and B, she's really hard on other women.

I mean, menstrual cramps?

Why?

Becky, you gotta stop blaming Him

for all your problems
and let Him help you.

Oh. The last time she helped me,

she threw a deer in front of my
husband's motorcycle and he died.

Maybe you don't understand this,

but everything that happens
is part of God's plan.

Oh, please.

Her plan was to kill the love of my life

so I would start drinking

and take me away from my baby

so I'd end up stuck here
with you in this hell-hole?!

Yes. There's a reason
He put us here together.

You're right.

And the reason is

so I can do this!

Ha ha! Look!

I'm unraveling God's plan!

No! That's from my grandma!

Oh. Well, don't blame me.

Ask God why she wants
your grandma's neck to be cold.

- Gimme it!
- Hey! Both of you stop!

The hell is going on?

I was just trying to help Becky,

and she attacked my scarf.

Is that true?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Rachel.

You're right.

I need to stop fighting

and start taking my recovery seriously.

What will really help you
take your recovery seriously

is bathroom duty
for the rest of the week.

If anything like this happens again,

you're out.

Hey!

Rachel should clean some toilets, too!

She said she was gonna smother me

if God gives her the green light!

Oh. Looks like someone got
a present from Beverly Rose.

She's got an interesting process.

She smiled,

emptied the entire contents
of her body into this diaper,

went limp, and then passed out.

Don't drop that bomb in this garbage.

Tie a brick to it and chuck it

in the Millers' fancy above-ground pool

they won't stop yapping about.

We'll show 'em who's got class
and who doesn't.

On the way back,

I might stop at the free clinic
and get my tubes tied.

Later.

Well, Harris is on the right path.

Now I just got to worry about Mark.

What's going on?

He's been locked in his room for days

studying for the exam to get
into a magnet high school.

Boys his age spend lots of time
alone in their room

"studying to get into magnet school."

You better be careful
and knock before you go in

so you don't catch him
"hitting the books."

Well, I wish he would take
a break and "hit the books."

Might help him relax.

You took that to a really weird place.

I just hate to see him killing himself

to figure this stuff out

when rich kids with half his brain

just hire tutors.

This test is on Zoom, right?

Yeah. So?

So the teacher giving the test

is not in the room with him, right?

Correct, the teacher will not be
in our living room.

Well, there you go.

Where do I go?

Where the people go

who might need some help
with the answers.

If you know what I'm saying.

Why can't you talk normally?

Do you think I'm wearing a wire?

You go to Cheat Town!

So, you're saying
I should have Mark cheat?

I said go to Cheat Town.

I don't know if I can make it
any more clear than that.

Well, I can't do that.

I've spent my whole life

telling them to do things the right way.

No shortcuts.

How's that working out for Mark?

Lock the door.

The Millers saw me throw the bomb.

I-I didn't know their grandkids
were in the pool.

Okay, first you open the can,

then you put it into the pan.

Ah!

And here's what separates a chef

from the cook.

Use a spork

to break up the can shape.

Why do you guys fight about
who's going to cook every night?

It's so easy.

Well, now that you're a trained chef,

you can do it.

Now that I'm a trained chef,
I'm not eating that.

Well, that was the director
of Becky's rehab.

You check the bars to the East,

I'll check the liquor stores
to the West.

No, no, no.

Becky didn't escape.

She's just causing trouble
and not working the program

and they want us to come in
to family therapy

to help her make more progress.

I love my daughter with all my heart,

and I'd take a bullet for her,

but I'm not gonna sit in a circle

having some stranger poke at me

trying to get me to have feelings.

No.

They just want us there

to see if there's anything
in our family dynamic

that makes Becky drink.

They're just looking
for someone to blame.

Well, it's gotta be my mom.

I mean, I know she's driving me
in that direction.

Uh, yeah, that road goes both ways.

And it's crazy to blame one person.

It's obviously Jackie and Dad.

I get him, but what'd I do?

When me and Becky were teens

and you caught us drinking
and smoking in the woods,

you should have told Mom and Dad

instead of shotgunning beers

to prove how cool you were.

Well, pardon me.

I didn't know that it was a crime

for an aunt to spend
some quality time drinking beer

with a couple of her teenage nieces

in the woods.

Yes, Aunt Jackie, it's an actual crime.

Will you go drink beer with me
in the woods?

Haven't you heard?

Apparently, it's a crime.

Look, I think growing up,

we all had our part
in Becky's alcoholism.

Clearly, it took a dysfunctional village

to raise an alcoholic,

so that is why we are all
going to be there for her.

Right, Dad?

Fine. But you're gonna have to drive.

This whole thing makes me anxious.

No... No pre-gaming, Dad.

Fine, I'll drive.

Students, only 15 minutes left
to finish the exam.

Just a reminder,
I know you're in the crunch,

but still no phones,
no open books, no notes.

Mr. Conner-Healy, I can see
what I assume is your mother

holding up the quadratic equation

in the reflection of your glasses.

I'm sorry, but you're disqualified.

Please log off now.

You just blew up my whole future.

Why did you do that?!

I knew you were tired.
I just wanted to help.

Get out!

Don't even!

Hey, everybody.

- Hey.
- Hey, Becky.

Thanks for coming, Dad.

Hey, I wanted to come.

Becky's been having
a bit of a hard time here.

As I'm sure you're aware,

she can have difficulty accepting help.

No, I want help.

I just don't like to constantly

whine about my problems
like some people.

I am so sorry I'm late.

My son locked himself in his room

because I ruined his life.

Hey, look, "some people" is here.

Does anyone want to share
how they're feeling

about Becky's drinking?

Uh, it's all my fault.

I put whiskey on Becky's gums

when she was teething.

I know it was wrong, but in my defense,

you would not shut up.

There's actually no correlation

between shutting up a newborn
with whiskey

and alcoholism.

Great, not my fault.

Next?

Uh, I-I know you thought
you were supposed to be

the success story in the family,

so I'm sure you turned to drinking

to help you deal with my meteoric rise

in the vending-machine industry.

Well, uh, it has been hard to watch,

or even hear about it,

but I've come to terms with your belief

that you're a success.

I don't deserve a sister like you.

Darlene?

Oh, okay.

Uh...

Well, I'm sorry
that when we were growing up,

I made fun of you.

Okay, more than made fun.

I attacked you,

hoping to make you so miserable

that you would run away

and I could replace your bed
with a trampoline.

But a lot of that

was because I was jealous of you.

I knew you were gonna grow up

and do amazing things, Becky.

I love you,

and, um, it's been pretty hard

to watch you struggle with this.

Look, I don't blame you guys.

I started drinking when Mark died

because I didn't want to
feel anything for a while.

And then "a while" turned into years.

I can't help thinking,
if he was still here,

maybe all this would be different.

Can I be excused to go to the bathroom?

Can't you hold it, Dad?

We drove nonstop from here to Tampa

with you pounding Big Gulps
the whole way,

and you kept saying,

"Rest stops are for wussies."

Dan, are you uncomfortable
talking about Mark?

I'm not uncomfortable
talking about Mark,

but Becky might be if I do.

It's okay.

We're not here to be comfortable.

Mark was a selfish little punk
who ruined your life.

When he talked you into
dropping out of school,

I was going to go to Minnesota
and kill him,

but your mother stopped me.

Well, you got your wish.

He's dead.

If he loved you,

he would have done it a lot sooner.

- Dad!
- Oh, well, this has been great.

I'm all better now.

Becky, don't leave.

I, uh...

I'm sorry.

I didn't want to come.

I-I should just go.

No, no.

Uh, could everyone please
give us the rest of the session?

Yeah.

Hey, just remember,
you two love each other.

Yeah?

Not like my mom.

She was cold and withholding.

When I was 3, this cat scratched me.

Uh, Jackie,

she's an addiction specialist.

You need the kind of doctor
that gives you drugs.

Mm.

Becky, you had a strong reaction

when your father said
Mark ruined your life.

- Because it's not true.
- Oh, really?

You had straight A's.

You busted your ass to go to college.

Then, because he didn't want
to be alone,

he tricked you into moving to Minnesota

and throwing that all away.

I wanted to go.

You were 17 and in love!

You didn't know what you wanted!

He promised you'd go to college.

And when we sent you the money
for you to do that,

he took it,

he went to mechanic school,

and then he dropped out!

He didn't take it! I gave it to him!

He should have never accepted it!

That money was for you,

to be all the things
you were meant to be.

If he'd have let you go to college,

you wouldn't be drinking now.

I'm pissed about that.

Why the hell aren't you?

You can't be angry at a dead person!

Yes, you can.

Whatever you feel is valid.

I don't want to be angry at him.

But you are.

Okay, he shouldn't have taken
my college money.

And I am a little angry at him

for some of the things he did
that screwed up my life.

A little? Why not a lot?!

Because it's not all his fault!

- Whose fault is it?
- Mine!

Because I let him!

I was so stupid!

I didn't want to drop out and move!

I wanted to go to college!

But I was so afraid to lose him!

And then I ended up losing him anyway!

I've wasted so much time!

I kept telling myself
over and over again

that I was gonna stop drinking

and get back on track!

And now I'm so far behind,

I'll never catch up!

Remember how proud you were...

when I said I was gonna be a doctor?

Hey, you're my first kid,

my beautiful little girl.

I've always been proud of you.

And never more than now.

But then again,
look at your competition.

Uh, excuse me.

I'm looking for a Mr. Davis.

That's me.
I'm the head of admissions here.

How can I help you?

I'm Darlene Conner-Healy, Mark's mother.

You might recognize me from
my son's blue-blocker glasses.

Right. Cheater Mom.

I'm sorry, but this school

has zero tolerance for cheating.

He had no idea I was gonna do that.

This is totally my fault.

Then you're a terrible mother.

Thanks for coming down, though.

Yeah.

Of course I'm a terrible mother.

I come from a long line
of terrible mothers.

Look, my kid hasn't slept in a week

'cause he's trying to teach himself

all the stuff they just didn't
get to at his school.

Well, then I'm sure
Mark wasn't the only student

who suffered that disadvantage.

That's your defense?

That it's okay to suffer

if they do it in larger numbers?

You know who didn't suffer?

The kids whose parents
can afford to hire tutors.

Look, Mark is one of
the smartest kids at his school,

and it's not fair
that you're punishing him

just because I don't have enough money.

Hey, don't yell at me.

I'm not responsible
for those inequalities.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah, nobody's responsible.

Nobody can do anything
to change anything.

And you know who pays the price?

Kids like mine,

and then their kids and then their kids.

Look, we have other poor kids
at the school

who didn't have to cheat to get in.

I'm sure they probably need jobs.

Maybe they could tutor Mark
on the cheap.

You know, this here...
this is a wall of lies.

See this? We all... We all tell our kids

that everybody's got
an equal chance to get ahead,

and if they don't,

it's 'cause they didn't
work hard enough.

Put this in the garbage,
'cause that's what it is.

Hey.

How'd it go with Becky? She okay?

I think she's gonna be.

It took me 25 years,

but I finally got her
to blame Mark for her problems.

Oh, let the healing begin.

Took a lot out of me.

Come to Papa.

You know, drinking to self-soothe

is a warning sign.

Yeah, it's a warning sign

I'm about to relax and watch a ballgame.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm so sorry.

I just felt terrible

that those other kids had tutors

and I couldn't get you one.

I know why you did it.

But why didn't you believe in me?

Didn't you think
I could do it on my own?

No, of course I did.

That's obviously a lie.
I cheated for you.

Look, if it was an equal playing field,

you could take over the world,

and you probably still will.

I just felt like the system
was working against you,

and I hate that.

You know, I... I went to Mr. Davis,

but he blew me off.

He didn't totally blow you off.

He checked the timestamp of the test,

and he saw that I got
the quadratic equation right

before you showed me the answer,

so he's letting me take the test again.

Oh, that's fantastic!

See? Your hard work
got you the right answer

and another shot.

Nope, it was a pure guess.

When I don't know
multiple-choice questions,

I just put "C" for all of them.

Gives you the best odds.

Okay, well, luck is better
than brains every time.

And you talking to Mr. Davis
actually helped a little.

He said I could have
extra time on the test

because you have questionable
mental health.

Oh!

About time that paid off.

I hear this is where
they keep the drunks.

What are you doing here?

You know, I can sue you if you fire me.

Relax.

You were there for me when
you thought I had a problem.

I thought I'd offer
to do the same for you.

Thank you.

Don't get all weepy.

I'm doing this mostly because
you helped me out at work,

and I hate being in your debt.

So, after I clear the books up
and you stay sober,

I can fire you without feeling guilty.

You said "mostly."

Yeah, well,
a very tiny part of me thinks

you're a pretty good person
with a lot of potential

who just needs a little help
staying on track.

Everyone at work
signed this card for you.

Ohh.

"If they make you feel more confident,

you go, girl."

Where do they think I am?

Told them you were getting bun implants.

I didn't want you to be embarrassed.