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1
00:00:04,584 --> 00:00:10,521
?
2
00:00:10,722 --> 00:00:12,622
Well, I wanna say thank you again, man,
3
00:00:12,729 --> 00:00:14,796
for inviting us all out, Kareem.
This is awesome.
4
00:00:14,904 --> 00:00:16,270
- Yeah, Kareem.
- Thank you, man.
5
00:00:16,376 --> 00:00:18,109
A five-star dinner with you is amazing.
6
00:00:18,216 --> 00:00:20,283
- How are you doing?
- Busy.
7
00:00:20,390 --> 00:00:23,424
You know, I got my real estate,
and that's like a full-time job.
8
00:00:23,534 --> 00:00:25,334
And I do a lot of speaking engagements.
9
00:00:25,441 --> 00:00:27,608
Plus, I started a new ice cream company,
10
00:00:27,716 --> 00:00:30,016
and I've given it a really cool name.
11
00:00:30,126 --> 00:00:31,058
[LAUGHS]
12
00:00:31,162 --> 00:00:33,129
Oh, is this another
corny like "Ice Kareem"?
13
00:00:33,237 --> 00:00:37,852
[LAUGHTER]
14
00:00:38,123 --> 00:00:39,656
- That is the name.
- Oh.
15
00:00:41,167 --> 00:00:42,566
You think it's corny?
16
00:00:46,688 --> 00:00:47,853
[CLEARS THROAT]
17
00:00:49,597 --> 00:00:51,030
- I'm just playing.
- Oh.
18
00:00:51,136 --> 00:00:52,235
[LAUGHTER]
19
00:00:52,341 --> 00:00:54,140
That's called deadpan comedy.
20
00:00:54,247 --> 00:00:56,481
Oh, that's what you were doing.
21
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,657
KAREEM: Yes. I learned that from Les.
22
00:01:00,336 --> 00:01:06,006
CEDRIC: Les... Lessster...
23
00:01:06,124 --> 00:01:07,223
Leslie Nielsen?
24
00:01:07,328 --> 00:01:08,827
- ALL: Oh!
- Oh, of course.
25
00:01:08,934 --> 00:01:11,135
Lester Holt, I would've said.
26
00:01:11,243 --> 00:01:13,009
Anyway, Kareem, I bet
you have some great stories
27
00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:15,116
about your time with the Lakers, man.
28
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:18,000
-Oh yeah, I've got a million of 'em..
29
00:01:18,046 --> 00:01:18,991
But the best ones
30
00:01:19,070 --> 00:01:21,438
are from when we shot
the movie "Airplane."
31
00:01:21,547 --> 00:01:22,746
Let me tell you, you know,
32
00:01:22,851 --> 00:01:25,685
I had to study flying
to prepare for that role.
33
00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:27,428
- I didn't know that.
- You don't say.
34
00:01:27,534 --> 00:01:28,567
Oh yeah, man.
35
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:30,638
You see, it was a sunny day in Van Nuys.
36
00:01:30,745 --> 00:01:32,378
We got to the airport.
37
00:01:32,486 --> 00:01:33,918
And I was just getting warmed up there.
38
00:01:34,024 --> 00:01:35,924
And it was a great day for flying.
39
00:01:36,834 --> 00:01:38,000
[THEME SONG]
40
00:01:38,106 --> 00:01:43,244
?
41
00:01:43,523 --> 00:01:47,227
- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod -
www.addic7ed.com
42
00:01:48,716 --> 00:01:52,208
The Comedy Get Down
1x09 "LA Story Part 1 " Dec 14, 2017
43
00:01:52,725 --> 00:01:53,958
Yes, yes.
44
00:01:54,063 --> 00:01:55,829
And the name of that man was...
45
00:01:59,482 --> 00:02:00,682
...Robert Hays.
46
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,621
[LAUGHS] Yeah, Robert Hays, okay!
47
00:02:02,728 --> 00:02:03,860
Him, yes.
48
00:02:05,070 --> 00:02:07,203
Hey, guys, if I can be
serious for a moment here,
49
00:02:07,311 --> 00:02:11,080
the show tonight is gonna be
at the Forum, which is my home.
50
00:02:11,192 --> 00:02:14,526
And I wanna tell you all,
from me personally, welcome.
51
00:02:14,638 --> 00:02:16,237
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Kareem.
52
00:02:16,343 --> 00:02:17,976
I mean, listen, being here with you...
53
00:02:18,083 --> 00:02:20,083
The Forum is the first time I
saw Peter Frampton play.
54
00:02:20,190 --> 00:02:22,624
- Who did he play for?
- He was in Los Lobos.
55
00:02:22,740 --> 00:02:24,907
You know... [LAUGHS]...
56
00:02:25,008 --> 00:02:27,776
I met you once before,
but it was an awkward meeting.
57
00:02:27,885 --> 00:02:30,852
I was on a plane flying from
New York to LA with you.
58
00:02:30,962 --> 00:02:32,762
We both had aisle seats.
59
00:02:32,869 --> 00:02:35,070
And I knew you was gonna
look my way eventually,
60
00:02:35,178 --> 00:02:36,944
and I would be able to
wave and introduce myself.
61
00:02:37,051 --> 00:02:38,484
But I never did.
62
00:02:38,590 --> 00:02:39,622
And I ended up
63
00:02:39,728 --> 00:02:43,129
flying to LA, five hours from
New York, like this.
64
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,240
[LAUGHTER]
65
00:02:45,348 --> 00:02:47,515
I remember being at the Forum, man,
66
00:02:47,623 --> 00:02:48,956
sitting way up
67
00:02:49,062 --> 00:02:50,928
in these shitty seats
in the nosebleed section,
68
00:02:51,035 --> 00:02:53,636
but watching you and
Magic Johnson get down, man.
69
00:02:53,745 --> 00:02:54,944
One of my best memories, man.
70
00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:56,315
And you know what?
71
00:02:56,421 --> 00:02:58,455
Now we're playing
a sold-out show at the Forum.
72
00:02:58,562 --> 00:03:00,562
So you guys got me some
good seats for tonight?
73
00:03:00,670 --> 00:03:03,404
Kareem, you got the
best seats... the best.
74
00:03:03,513 --> 00:03:05,013
Gentlemen, how was everything tonight?
75
00:03:05,119 --> 00:03:06,451
- Excellent.
- Wonderful.
76
00:03:06,558 --> 00:03:08,124
- Amazing, thank you so much.
- Wonderful.
77
00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:09,830
Can I tempt you with some dessert?
78
00:03:09,937 --> 00:03:11,937
Only if you have some ice Kareem.
79
00:03:12,044 --> 00:03:15,145
- We do have ice cream.
- No, Kareem.
80
00:03:15,256 --> 00:03:16,889
You know what? Never mind.
81
00:03:16,995 --> 00:03:18,228
GEORGE: No, listen, we're all right.
82
00:03:18,334 --> 00:03:19,600
After the show, we're having a
big after-party
83
00:03:19,705 --> 00:03:21,471
with the dessert bar and
everything, so we're good.
84
00:03:21,578 --> 00:03:22,377
But thank you.
85
00:03:22,482 --> 00:03:23,948
We hope you'll dine with us again.
86
00:03:24,054 --> 00:03:25,153
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
87
00:03:25,259 --> 00:03:26,892
So it's gonna be a
real good after-party?
88
00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:27,830
Oh, Kareem, come on.
89
00:03:27,935 --> 00:03:29,067
You gotta come to the after-party.
90
00:03:29,172 --> 00:03:30,105
Yeah, we're gonna have weed.
91
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,976
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
92
00:03:32,083 --> 00:03:35,485
Oh, hey, I gotta take this. It's Ben.
93
00:03:35,596 --> 00:03:37,262
I'm trying to lure him away from Jerry.
94
00:03:37,368 --> 00:03:38,634
See you guys tonight.
95
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,106
- All right.
- Good luck.
96
00:03:40,212 --> 00:03:43,314
Ben, my man. What's
happening in Vermont?
97
00:03:46,234 --> 00:03:48,568
Did Kareem walk out
without paying the bill?
98
00:03:48,676 --> 00:03:50,910
- Ha!
- That's what it seems like.
99
00:03:51,018 --> 00:03:52,317
Man, I can't believe this, man.
100
00:03:52,423 --> 00:03:54,023
He invited our asses out to dinner
101
00:03:54,129 --> 00:03:55,328
and then bounced on the check.
102
00:03:55,433 --> 00:03:57,033
Maybe he fell on some hard times
103
00:03:57,140 --> 00:03:58,606
because it's not a credit card in here.
104
00:03:58,712 --> 00:04:02,981
Hard times my ass. That
man is a ice cream mogul.
105
00:04:03,094 --> 00:04:04,527
Well, I don't think he'd stiff us,
106
00:04:04,633 --> 00:04:07,567
but the rule is richest
guy at the table pays.
107
00:04:07,677 --> 00:04:10,378
Well, since richest
guy pays, Mr. Two Books,
108
00:04:10,488 --> 00:04:12,255
- you take care of it.
- No, no, no.
109
00:04:12,362 --> 00:04:14,295
Murphy's the biggest name in comedy.
110
00:04:14,402 --> 00:04:16,069
Yeah, Eddie Murphy. I'm Broke Murphy.
111
00:04:16,176 --> 00:04:17,975
I think we should give it to my brother
112
00:04:18,082 --> 00:04:20,849
from "Malcolm and Eddie," Eddie Griffin.
113
00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:23,827
Yeah, it was a small show
on a small network.
114
00:04:25,374 --> 00:04:26,807
Guys, come on, man!
115
00:04:26,913 --> 00:04:28,613
- CEDRIC: Really, George.
- "Beverly Hills Chihuahua"?
116
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,487
- DL: I saw that twice.
- EDDIE: Absolutely.
117
00:04:30,594 --> 00:04:32,560
You stop spending all
your money on hats...
118
00:04:32,667 --> 00:04:34,767
[CHUCKLING]
119
00:04:34,876 --> 00:04:35,975
[BLEEP]
120
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:37,246
Give me a mint.
121
00:04:37,352 --> 00:04:39,352
No, 'cause you ain't pitched in.
122
00:04:41,830 --> 00:04:49,483
?
123
00:04:50,328 --> 00:04:52,359
And that is why you
never meet your heroes.
124
00:04:52,504 --> 00:04:53,083
Why is that?
125
00:04:53,214 --> 00:04:55,233
Because they just
disappoint you, you know?
126
00:04:55,377 --> 00:04:57,210
I could expect something
like this from AC Green.
127
00:04:57,317 --> 00:04:59,584
I mean, the guy hasn't
changed his haircut since '82.
128
00:04:59,692 --> 00:05:00,724
GEORGE: That's right.
129
00:05:00,829 --> 00:05:02,529
Rambis, same glasses for 40 years.
130
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:03,735
Something's going on there.
131
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,740
But Kareem? Never.
132
00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:08,048
I know, it just caught me off guard.
133
00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:10,425
George, we're starting
in about 10 minutes,
134
00:05:10,531 --> 00:05:11,964
so let's get you out there.
135
00:05:14,291 --> 00:05:15,858
What's going on, fellas?
136
00:05:15,964 --> 00:05:18,731
Man, we're just talking
about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
137
00:05:18,841 --> 00:05:21,542
The ice cream guy? Oh my god.
138
00:05:21,651 --> 00:05:23,684
My favorite is sky hook crunch.
139
00:05:23,792 --> 00:05:25,692
I am lactose intolerant, but, you know,
140
00:05:25,799 --> 00:05:28,567
sometimes it is worth it, I must say.
141
00:05:28,676 --> 00:05:31,944
Ice cream's just a symbol of fun.
142
00:05:32,055 --> 00:05:34,222
The cream, the crunch,
the nuts of it all.
143
00:05:34,330 --> 00:05:36,664
I'm allergic to nuts
too, so I pay a price.
144
00:05:36,773 --> 00:05:38,372
Okay, let's go.
145
00:05:39,583 --> 00:05:41,149
What else do you like on your ice cream?
146
00:05:41,255 --> 00:05:42,921
Oh, cherries and, you know, whatever.
147
00:05:43,028 --> 00:05:44,361
Do you like those chocolate straws?
148
00:05:44,467 --> 00:05:45,566
I love those.
149
00:05:45,671 --> 00:05:46,837
- All right!
- Okay.
150
00:05:46,942 --> 00:05:49,610
You know, he has a great
one, a goggleberry swirl.
151
00:05:49,719 --> 00:05:51,051
Not you too. Not you too.
152
00:05:51,157 --> 00:05:57,195
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
153
00:06:00,089 --> 00:06:01,489
LA!
154
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:04,896
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
155
00:06:05,007 --> 00:06:07,007
Let me tell you something,
my ticket said 8:00,
156
00:06:07,115 --> 00:06:08,982
mother [BLEEP]. [BLEEP]!
157
00:06:11,063 --> 00:06:12,095
[BLEEP]!
158
00:06:13,237 --> 00:06:14,804
[BLEEP] 8:00!
159
00:06:15,779 --> 00:06:17,579
It's almost [BLEEP] 9:00.
160
00:06:17,686 --> 00:06:21,421
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
161
00:06:21,533 --> 00:06:22,933
My shit was on time
162
00:06:23,039 --> 00:06:24,972
until I started working with
black people, [BLEEP]!
163
00:06:26,418 --> 00:06:28,318
[BLEEP], man!
164
00:06:32,305 --> 00:06:34,906
Milk. Now whole milk is bad.
165
00:06:36,153 --> 00:06:37,752
It used to be good for you bones.
166
00:06:37,859 --> 00:06:39,893
It used to be good for your body.
167
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:44,569
Now, I... if I go to
Starbucks, it'd be arguing.
168
00:06:44,683 --> 00:06:46,082
Is this 2%?
169
00:06:46,189 --> 00:06:47,888
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
170
00:06:47,995 --> 00:06:50,129
- Because I can only have 1%.
- Is this 2%?
171
00:06:51,374 --> 00:06:53,041
Are you the manager?
Hi, are you the manager?
172
00:06:53,148 --> 00:06:55,615
Is this 2%? 'Cause I can only have 1%.
173
00:06:55,723 --> 00:06:57,089
Is this 2%?
174
00:06:58,166 --> 00:06:59,899
If [BLEEP] grab that latte
and I spill half here.
175
00:07:00,005 --> 00:07:03,106
[BLEEP], that was 1%! Get the [BLEEP]...
176
00:07:04,689 --> 00:07:07,824
You don't look like you ever ate
2% anything, you fat [BLEEP]!
177
00:07:07,934 --> 00:07:12,837
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
178
00:07:12,952 --> 00:07:14,251
That's what they should do at Starbucks.
179
00:07:14,357 --> 00:07:15,390
Instead of yelling your name,
180
00:07:15,495 --> 00:07:17,795
they should yell what you look like.
181
00:07:18,874 --> 00:07:20,607
Will the mother [BLEEP]
that looks like an owl...
182
00:07:20,713 --> 00:07:22,179
Your coffee's ready.
183
00:07:23,156 --> 00:07:24,889
Hey, that's you. Hey, they want you.
184
00:07:24,995 --> 00:07:29,064
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
185
00:07:29,177 --> 00:07:30,676
Will the woman wearing yoga pants
186
00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:32,116
who clearly doesn't do yoga...
187
00:07:32,221 --> 00:07:34,054
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHER]
188
00:07:34,161 --> 00:07:36,428
...your [BLEEP] Frappuccino
with extra double [BLEEP]
189
00:07:36,537 --> 00:07:39,372
whipped cream is ready, you fatass.
190
00:07:39,481 --> 00:07:41,247
Hey, hola, they want you!
191
00:07:41,354 --> 00:07:46,457
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
192
00:07:46,573 --> 00:07:47,673
Will the dude
193
00:07:47,778 --> 00:07:50,178
that looks like Manny Pacquiao
[BLEEP] Colonel Sanders...
194
00:07:50,286 --> 00:07:52,520
That's me. Wait, that's me!
195
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:54,964
You said Manny Pacquiao
[BLEEP] Colonel Sanders?
196
00:07:55,071 --> 00:07:56,303
That's me!
197
00:07:56,408 --> 00:08:00,911
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
198
00:08:01,025 --> 00:08:03,058
[BLEEP]!
199
00:08:03,166 --> 00:08:05,433
If you have relatives
that were in Mexico,
200
00:08:05,541 --> 00:08:06,941
they used to drink goat milk.
201
00:08:07,047 --> 00:08:08,646
That shit... ugh.
202
00:08:08,753 --> 00:08:09,985
[UNINTELLIGIBLE]
203
00:08:10,091 --> 00:08:13,993
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
204
00:08:14,105 --> 00:08:16,839
Your [BLEEP] grandfather be
grabbing some dirty nipples.
205
00:08:18,388 --> 00:08:19,988
You dare me to drink it? No.
206
00:08:20,094 --> 00:08:22,194
No, it's all right.
207
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:24,335
Even the goat would come
out of the barn and look...
208
00:08:24,442 --> 00:08:25,809
What the [BLEEP]?
209
00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,822
He's not gonna drink that shit, is he?
210
00:08:31,234 --> 00:08:32,633
[BLEEP] trying to warn you! [BLEATS]
211
00:08:34,312 --> 00:08:35,678
[BLEATS LOUDER]
212
00:08:38,928 --> 00:08:40,661
Shut up, you [BLEEP] goat.
213
00:08:43,612 --> 00:08:45,245
You gotta know what's wrong
with your family, though,
214
00:08:45,352 --> 00:08:47,252
because none of us know.
215
00:08:47,359 --> 00:08:48,591
We don't know our family history.
216
00:08:48,697 --> 00:08:50,697
They just fall out. [KNOCK]
217
00:08:50,804 --> 00:08:52,838
He was laughing and then he just died.
218
00:08:52,946 --> 00:08:54,946
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
219
00:08:55,053 --> 00:08:58,254
We don't know shit. Was
your mom diabetic?
220
00:08:58,365 --> 00:09:00,098
No, she was just mad all the time.
221
00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:02,806
I don't know. She worked nights.
222
00:09:02,915 --> 00:09:04,915
She wasn't on a diet. She was fat.
223
00:09:06,762 --> 00:09:08,462
Because you're not gonna live forever,
224
00:09:08,568 --> 00:09:10,435
so you should eat the
shit you wanna eat,
225
00:09:10,542 --> 00:09:12,141
drink the shit you wanna drink.
226
00:09:12,248 --> 00:09:14,215
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
227
00:09:14,322 --> 00:09:16,289
Tonight, smoke weed, take pills,
228
00:09:16,397 --> 00:09:18,263
do blow, drink!
229
00:09:18,371 --> 00:09:20,070
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
230
00:09:20,177 --> 00:09:22,111
Hey, they [BLEEP] can't catch us all!
231
00:09:22,218 --> 00:09:25,953
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
232
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,965
They might catch two
gluten-free mother [BLEEP]
233
00:09:28,072 --> 00:09:29,571
down in Manchester.
234
00:09:29,677 --> 00:09:33,780
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
235
00:09:33,893 --> 00:09:35,159
Poof!
236
00:09:40,082 --> 00:09:42,449
Do Latino lives matter?
You're [BLEEP] right they do.
237
00:09:42,558 --> 00:09:47,194
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
238
00:09:47,308 --> 00:09:49,541
If you mother [BLEEP] ever
wanna see a blueberry again,
239
00:09:49,649 --> 00:09:50,949
they [BLEEP] do.
240
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:54,793
If you wanna see lettuce,
or a [BLEEP] blueberry,
241
00:09:54,902 --> 00:09:57,302
or some [BLEEP] tomatoes,
leave us the [BLEEP] alone
242
00:09:57,411 --> 00:09:58,644
and let us work!
243
00:09:58,749 --> 00:09:59,982
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
244
00:10:00,088 --> 00:10:01,988
The [BLEEP] you wanna do? Pitch in?
245
00:10:03,867 --> 00:10:05,534
If white people had to pick shit,
246
00:10:05,641 --> 00:10:07,274
they'd just pick enough for themselves!
247
00:10:08,217 --> 00:10:10,250
I got two heads of lettuce, Ryan!
248
00:10:10,357 --> 00:10:12,624
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
249
00:10:12,733 --> 00:10:15,100
Ryan, I got mine!
250
00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:18,749
Find the crouton tree.
251
00:10:18,854 --> 00:10:20,321
Let's get the [BLEEP] out of here!
252
00:10:20,428 --> 00:10:26,398
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
253
00:10:26,515 --> 00:10:28,015
Let me tell you something.
254
00:10:28,122 --> 00:10:29,288
If we wanted to be terrorists,
255
00:10:29,393 --> 00:10:31,393
we'd be the most effective
[BLEEP] terrorists.
256
00:10:32,504 --> 00:10:35,338
Even ISIS would be... [STUTTERS]
257
00:10:35,448 --> 00:10:37,582
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
258
00:10:37,690 --> 00:10:40,024
I don't know how they did that!
259
00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:44,374
The number-one ingredient
in making a bomb?
260
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:45,813
Fertilizer.
261
00:10:48,830 --> 00:10:50,096
You know there's no way
262
00:10:50,201 --> 00:10:51,867
to stop a Mexican
from buying fertilizer.
263
00:10:51,974 --> 00:10:54,241
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
264
00:10:54,350 --> 00:10:57,017
You want 3 tons? Yeah, hey...
265
00:10:57,126 --> 00:10:58,692
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
266
00:10:58,799 --> 00:11:00,299
...because we're doing a big house.
267
00:11:09,022 --> 00:11:11,756
Well, I took care of
our little Kareem problem.
268
00:11:11,866 --> 00:11:13,480
See, Charlie, when
you say stuff like that,
269
00:11:13,512 --> 00:11:14,265
it makes me nervous.
270
00:11:14,294 --> 00:11:16,428
What do you mean, you took care
of our little Kareem problem?
271
00:11:16,789 --> 00:11:17,788
Just what I said.
272
00:11:17,893 --> 00:11:19,092
I took care of our Kareem problem.
273
00:11:19,198 --> 00:11:20,965
Oh, no, man. You killed Kareem?
274
00:11:21,072 --> 00:11:22,738
You ain't killed Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
275
00:11:22,844 --> 00:11:24,644
I mean, come on,
Charlie, how can this be?
276
00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:25,784
I can't go to jail, man.
277
00:11:25,889 --> 00:11:27,355
My skin is too supple for that shit.
278
00:11:28,432 --> 00:11:30,198
GEORGE: Put your hands
together, Los Angeles, for...
279
00:11:30,305 --> 00:11:32,672
Put your hands together
for Mr. Charlie Murphy!
280
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:33,979
Showtime.
281
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:38,320
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
282
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,041
- I ain't going to jail, man.
- Nobody...
283
00:11:42,147 --> 00:11:44,314
No, man, 'cause I
need a sleep number bed.
284
00:11:44,422 --> 00:11:45,721
I'm a 12.
285
00:11:45,827 --> 00:11:48,478
What's up, LA Forum?
Make some noise, LA.
286
00:11:48,603 --> 00:11:53,940
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
287
00:11:54,057 --> 00:11:59,051
- I'm happy to see LA.
- Darkness is spreading.
288
00:12:00,357 --> 00:12:02,290
Hey, before I start,
I want y'all to give some love
289
00:12:02,397 --> 00:12:05,398
to my homeboy, Mr. George Lopez.
290
00:12:05,508 --> 00:12:07,942
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
291
00:12:08,051 --> 00:12:09,717
[UNINTELLIGIBLE]
292
00:12:13,002 --> 00:12:14,435
I want to give a shoutout
293
00:12:14,541 --> 00:12:17,308
to all the single parents
in the audience tonight too.
294
00:12:17,418 --> 00:12:19,818
Give them a round of applause.
295
00:12:19,927 --> 00:12:24,063
Single parents, congratulations
on your night out.
296
00:12:24,176 --> 00:12:29,012
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
297
00:12:29,127 --> 00:12:32,662
I know them shit is hard
to come by [BLEEP] damn it.
298
00:12:32,773 --> 00:12:33,972
I know, 'cause I'm a single parent.
299
00:12:34,078 --> 00:12:36,278
I got a boy and a girl
at the house right now.
300
00:12:36,386 --> 00:12:39,254
I'm mommy and daddy to both of
'em, you know what I'm saying?
301
00:12:39,364 --> 00:12:40,663
That's right.
302
00:12:40,768 --> 00:12:42,135
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
303
00:12:42,241 --> 00:12:44,674
Please don't insult me by
giving me a round of applause
304
00:12:44,783 --> 00:12:47,251
for taking care of my kids.
305
00:12:47,359 --> 00:12:48,625
Don't insult me.
306
00:12:48,731 --> 00:12:50,664
That's a myth that we got going around,
307
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:53,071
that black men don't
take care of their kids.
308
00:12:53,181 --> 00:12:54,513
I know I take care of mine
309
00:12:54,618 --> 00:12:56,618
and all the black men I know
take care of theirs,
310
00:12:56,726 --> 00:12:59,961
so don't give me no round of applause
311
00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:01,638
for taking care of my kids.
312
00:13:01,744 --> 00:13:04,145
To me, that's like giving me a
round of applause for, you know,
313
00:13:04,253 --> 00:13:05,619
brushing my teeth and some shit.
314
00:13:05,725 --> 00:13:07,825
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
315
00:13:07,933 --> 00:13:10,267
I got a boy and a girl
at the house right now.
316
00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:13,009
I'll be honest, the boy part
is easy 'cause, you know,
317
00:13:13,119 --> 00:13:15,886
we understand each other.
318
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:20,698
He's a male and I'm a male,
so we understand each other.
319
00:13:20,813 --> 00:13:22,413
Like, if I walk in his room
320
00:13:22,519 --> 00:13:24,252
and I see a sock over in the corner...
321
00:13:24,359 --> 00:13:26,660
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
322
00:13:26,768 --> 00:13:28,601
...I know better than
to go touch that sock.
323
00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:34,812
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
324
00:13:36,001 --> 00:13:37,200
We understand each other.
325
00:13:38,544 --> 00:13:40,444
I told the mother [BLEEP]
right before I left,
326
00:13:40,551 --> 00:13:41,917
to come out here... I said, yeah, man,
327
00:13:42,023 --> 00:13:44,657
you get that [BLEEP] sock outta there
328
00:13:44,766 --> 00:13:47,100
and wash it in the machine by itself.
329
00:13:47,208 --> 00:13:53,078
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
330
00:13:56,006 --> 00:13:57,539
And my girl, she's a trip, man.
331
00:13:57,646 --> 00:13:59,312
She's ten years old now.
332
00:13:59,419 --> 00:14:01,886
I'm learning a lot about women,
and I thought I already knew.
333
00:14:01,995 --> 00:14:05,630
Like, I thought that older women
taught the younger ones,
334
00:14:05,742 --> 00:14:07,809
and asked all those [BLEEP] questions.
335
00:14:08,685 --> 00:14:11,052
Shit.
336
00:14:11,161 --> 00:14:13,428
You mother [BLEEP] are
born asking questions.
337
00:14:13,536 --> 00:14:15,369
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
338
00:14:15,477 --> 00:14:18,778
You mother [BLEEP] invented
the word "interrogation."
339
00:14:20,528 --> 00:14:23,762
Y'all invented the technique of
asking questions on Monday
340
00:14:23,874 --> 00:14:26,508
and doing a follow-up
on Friday to fact check.
341
00:14:26,617 --> 00:14:30,285
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
342
00:14:30,397 --> 00:14:33,198
I found all that out
from having a daughter.
343
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,506
My daughter's a trip.
344
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:36,882
A real trip.
345
00:14:36,987 --> 00:14:38,654
She be asking me a lot
of [BLEEP] questions.
346
00:14:38,761 --> 00:14:41,662
I have to tell her sometime,
listen, uh, you're not my wife.
347
00:14:41,771 --> 00:14:44,238
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
348
00:14:44,347 --> 00:14:47,315
You're my daughter, so I
think you better back it on up,
349
00:14:47,425 --> 00:14:49,792
ask me no more [BLEEP] damn questions.
350
00:14:51,305 --> 00:14:52,871
I wouldn't trade her for
nothing, though, man.
351
00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:54,378
My kids is a trip.
352
00:14:54,484 --> 00:14:56,551
I learned from my daughter
from over the years...
353
00:14:56,658 --> 00:14:58,024
I learned some things, man.
354
00:14:58,130 --> 00:15:03,300
Like for instance, I learned
that if you buy Barbie,
355
00:15:03,416 --> 00:15:05,916
you gotta buy four other little
[BLEEP] that's her friends.
356
00:15:06,026 --> 00:15:12,096
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
357
00:15:13,352 --> 00:15:16,853
They all got their own
individual clothing line, too.
358
00:15:16,964 --> 00:15:18,597
I know 'cause my daughter
had me on the bed,
359
00:15:18,705 --> 00:15:21,906
comparing the dresses.
And how do you like this one?
360
00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:25,821
On the inside, I was like,
wow, I feel gay right now.
361
00:15:25,931 --> 00:15:28,264
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
362
00:15:28,372 --> 00:15:30,172
Then she made me sit down with her
363
00:15:30,279 --> 00:15:33,481
to eat one of them nasty-ass
cakes out of the Easy-Bake Oven.
364
00:15:33,592 --> 00:15:36,760
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
365
00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:38,770
Boy, was that cake nasty.
366
00:15:40,415 --> 00:15:43,583
The cake was so nasty, I wrote a
letter to Mattel... [BLEEP] them!
367
00:15:45,635 --> 00:15:48,102
How dare you mother [BLEEP]
have a bakery division?
368
00:15:49,850 --> 00:15:51,449
This cake don't taste like cake.
369
00:15:53,362 --> 00:15:54,995
It taste like toys, mother [BLEEP].
370
00:15:55,102 --> 00:16:00,105
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
371
00:16:00,221 --> 00:16:01,320
But I love my kids.
372
00:16:01,425 --> 00:16:03,558
I wouldn't trade them for nothin', man.
373
00:16:03,666 --> 00:16:05,433
I really wouldn't.
374
00:16:05,540 --> 00:16:06,939
Right now, it's just me and them.
375
00:16:07,045 --> 00:16:10,580
I'm single right now because...
Not because I wanna be,
376
00:16:10,691 --> 00:16:14,627
but because I have to be,
because I ain't taking no shit.
377
00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:16,606
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
378
00:16:16,713 --> 00:16:18,580
To all my single guys in the audience,
379
00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:21,588
I wanted to spread some love,
to give you a little wisdom
380
00:16:21,698 --> 00:16:24,799
that was given to me earlier
this week by an old man.
381
00:16:24,909 --> 00:16:26,442
This shit is true, too.
382
00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:30,687
There are four rules to a happy romance.
383
00:16:30,798 --> 00:16:32,230
Four.
384
00:16:32,337 --> 00:16:33,936
Rule number one...
385
00:16:35,448 --> 00:16:37,081
...get you a woman!
386
00:16:37,187 --> 00:16:43,257
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
387
00:16:44,681 --> 00:16:46,147
Or if you're a [UNINTELLIGIBLE] man,
388
00:16:46,253 --> 00:16:47,819
get you a man.
389
00:16:47,925 --> 00:16:52,628
AUDIENCE: Whoa!
390
00:16:53,509 --> 00:16:54,909
Rule number two...
391
00:16:56,489 --> 00:16:57,955
...get you a woman that can cook.
392
00:16:58,063 --> 00:17:02,065
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
393
00:17:02,177 --> 00:17:03,743
Rule number three...
394
00:17:05,355 --> 00:17:07,756
...get you a woman that can make love.
395
00:17:07,864 --> 00:17:09,697
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND WHISTLING]
396
00:17:09,804 --> 00:17:11,370
Or if you're an [UNINTELLIGIBLE] man,
397
00:17:11,478 --> 00:17:13,244
get you a man that can [BLEEP].
398
00:17:13,350 --> 00:17:17,819
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
399
00:17:17,933 --> 00:17:19,333
WOMAN: Woo!
400
00:17:24,691 --> 00:17:26,424
I never did that joke that way before.
401
00:17:26,532 --> 00:17:27,898
That's pretty funny.
402
00:17:28,004 --> 00:17:30,571
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
403
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:31,946
Rule number four.
404
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,952
This is the most important
of all four of the rules.
405
00:17:36,501 --> 00:17:42,338
Never, ever, ever allow any
of these three women....
406
00:17:42,455 --> 00:17:46,791
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING]
407
00:17:46,905 --> 00:17:51,007
[APPLAUSE]
408
00:17:52,090 --> 00:17:54,457
...to be in the same
room at the same time.
409
00:17:54,566 --> 00:17:58,768
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING]
410
00:17:58,881 --> 00:18:01,482
I really like telling that joke.
411
00:18:01,591 --> 00:18:03,357
But I know I caused
somebody some problems
412
00:18:03,464 --> 00:18:05,197
in this mother [BLEEP] tonight.
413
00:18:06,341 --> 00:18:09,175
This is what's gonna happen in
somebody's car on the way home.
414
00:18:10,389 --> 00:18:12,637
Yeah, well, mother [BLEEP],
we both know I can't cook!
415
00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:15,467
So which bitch am I?
416
00:18:15,575 --> 00:18:17,975
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
417
00:18:19,054 --> 00:18:20,787
DL: Anybody know what
Charlie did to Kareem?
418
00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:22,393
CHARLIE: That's the
new thing, you know...
419
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:23,733
Okay, listen.
420
00:18:23,838 --> 00:18:25,304
I don't know if Charlie
choked Kareem out.
421
00:18:26,414 --> 00:18:28,514
CHARLIE: That shit is,
Butto me, some creep shit.t.
422
00:18:28,622 --> 00:18:30,756
He put him in a very special seat.
423
00:18:30,863 --> 00:18:34,664
- Oh, wow!
- Look at him.
424
00:18:34,778 --> 00:18:36,911
EDDIE: Yeah, you should've
paid that bill, buddy!
425
00:18:37,018 --> 00:18:38,184
[LAUGHTER]
426
00:18:38,290 --> 00:18:39,856
Him knees up in him chest.
427
00:18:39,962 --> 00:18:41,262
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
428
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,974
- CEDRIC: Crunch time for real.
- His nuts is up in his throat!
429
00:18:47,870 --> 00:18:55,280
?
430
00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:58,090
As I was saying, I smoke a lot of weed.
431
00:18:58,198 --> 00:19:00,399
AUDIENCE ON TV: [LAUGHTER]
432
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:02,974
Look at, I can't believe
Charlie did that shit, man.
433
00:19:03,082 --> 00:19:05,215
He had Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's ass
434
00:19:05,323 --> 00:19:07,757
in the last row of the Forum.
435
00:19:07,866 --> 00:19:09,232
DL: He was all the way up!
436
00:19:09,338 --> 00:19:11,572
Aw man, he was all up
against the ceiling, like...
437
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,313
NINA: All right, thanks. I'll tell him.
438
00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:15,252
George, that was Essefess Steak House.
439
00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:17,359
I guess there was a mix-up.
You double paid for dinner.
440
00:19:17,468 --> 00:19:18,900
They're crediting back your card.
441
00:19:19,006 --> 00:19:20,739
- Double paid?
- Yeah.
442
00:19:20,847 --> 00:19:22,646
Apparently Kareem had already
bought the dinner tonight
443
00:19:22,753 --> 00:19:24,520
on his house account.
444
00:19:24,626 --> 00:19:25,859
Uh...
445
00:19:26,969 --> 00:19:28,435
Eddie, you're on in five.
446
00:19:30,113 --> 00:19:31,479
I gotta go pray.
447
00:19:33,124 --> 00:19:34,524
Wait, wait, wait.
448
00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:37,731
So Kareem did pay, and we
promised him the best seats.
449
00:19:37,841 --> 00:19:41,509
But instead, he put his ass
way in the top row...
450
00:19:41,621 --> 00:19:43,821
In the middle of the top row!
451
00:19:43,930 --> 00:19:45,329
Oh!
452
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,235
[SHOUTING FRANTICALLY]
453
00:19:47,342 --> 00:19:48,675
GEORGE: Kareem!
454
00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:51,180
Charlie did it! Charlie did it!
455
00:19:51,289 --> 00:19:54,557
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
456
00:19:54,668 --> 00:19:55,701
Is he here?
457
00:19:55,806 --> 00:19:57,539
GEORGE: Okay, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
458
00:19:57,645 --> 00:19:58,477
Let's think.
459
00:19:58,582 --> 00:19:59,948
Maybe... maybe he went to the bathroom.
460
00:20:00,054 --> 00:20:02,555
Yeah, George, he went to
take a dump on our careers.
461
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:04,532
Damn.
462
00:20:04,582 --> 00:20:09,132
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