All language subtitles for The Comedy Get Down s01e03 No Good Weed.eng

[LAUGHTER]

Man, I wanna play the game.

I know Tyronn Lue, man.

We maybe could try and get some tickets.

WHITE TERRY: Yes, I did!
Yes, I did! Yes, I did!

Oh boy! [LAUGHS]

Oh, man, come on.

[VIDEO GAME MUSIC]

[CHUCKLES]

- White Terry, can you please?
- Oh, sorry.

I get a little zoned out
when I'm attacking these pigs.

- Pipe the [BLEEP] down.
- Okay.

You guys wanna go over this schedule?

Nah, schedules are
created by white people.

I'm telling you.

They [BLEEP] with my creativity, baby.

I don't mess with schedules.
I need my time unconstricted.

- He wants the day off.
- I know.

That's exactly what I meant.

Well, actually, Eddie, you're in luck.

I don't have anything
scheduled for you today.

So you know what?

This black woman is giving
you your freedom papers.

- Why, thank you, Miss Nina.
- You're welcome.

Uh, Miss Nina? Black woman?

- Could I have the day off too?
- Yes, Mexican man.

�rale. Gracias.

NINA: De nada. Mucho gusto.

Actually, the only people I
have stuff for are Cedric and DL,

and they are both with charities.

- One does what one can.
- Not these ones.

Now, you guys are exactly
what's wrong in this country,

always just helping yourselves,

never even thinking
about your fellow man.

Okay, wait a minute, tight hat.

I've helped out a lot of people.

Chances are if there's a
Lopez in your neighborhood.

I bought the house
that they're living in,

and the refrigerator on the porch,

and that sun-bleached Big
Wheel that nobody rides.

[CHUCKLING]

So don't be trying to put it out there

that I don't give back to
the community, all right?

Just 'cause I don't donate money
to big charitable organizations.

I do mine on the low low, okay?

Like, one on one with a bum.
That's what I call my moves.

One on one with a bum.

Instead of just getting
you the Happy Meal,

I get you the supersized meal.

Come on, man.

I mean, it is charity to a degree.

It is, isn't it? It's charity.

You're eating, right?

Was you eating before I showed
up with a supersize meal?

- No.
- I stand corrected.

Okay, DL, so you're
meeting with Theodore

from the Wish Me Well Foundation,

and you have to take him
to your radio interview.

I'm honored to help this kid out.

Let me tell you something.
This dude is a big fan.

- He's read both my books.
- Oh, lord.

This little bastard probably
loves me more than my real kids.

I pray that isn't true.

Cedric, you are speaking
at the youth center.

Oh, they're honoring you for
the money that you pledged.

Did you write a speech?

I will, of course. Of course I will.

What are we doing for them again?

Helpt to build a school,
or get kids off drugs?

It's always some kind
of scam or whatever.

But what's their angle?

Okay, well, I'm gonna
give you this pamphlet.

You can read up

on these adorable at-risk
youth and their scams.

But do me a favor, guys.
Take this seriously.

I'm hoping that the two of you
helping out in the community

will get us some goodwill
that we desperately need.

And it could boost ticket sales.

[ENTHUSIASTIC CHATTER]

Oh, there we are, and their big hearts.

We'll start reading right away.

It's gonna be open bar over there, man?

CEDRIC: You know it is.

I was checking that out, Ced.
I think I'm gonna roll with you,

because there might be some
lonely single mothers, you know?

In need.

They may be with their friends,

and they might have just taken Molly out

before we bump into them.

Why... why would they do that?

CHARLIE: A lot of things could happen.

So it's the Mothers on Molly program,

is what we're trying to help?

I can write a speech to that direction.

Please don't.

Oh my golly, your momma's on Molly.

Woo!

Let's move off

the underprivileged alleged drug use.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's have a toast to the
men of the Comedy Get Down...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- ...and their warm hearts.

Charity is where the heart is.

- NINA: Is that a thing?
- Yeah, I did something.

Woo, level three! Yeah!

[LAUGHS]

Hey! No outbursts.

It's... a big thing for me.

[THEME MUSIC]

?

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod -
www.addic7ed.com

The Comedy Get Down 1x03
"No Good Weed " Oct 26, 2017

Hey, guys.

Just remember that today,
these are public events.

- Please be on your best behavior.
- You always tell us that.

I know. I always have to tell you.

And DL, the radio interview

is going to be streamed
live on the internet.

And Cedric, there's a press
junket before the event.

Okay.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

All right. So, see you guys later.

Whoa, where are you going?

I told you.

I'm going to the Rock
and Roll Hall of Fame.

They're doing a Metallica retrospective

and Lars Ulrich is gonna be there.

Woo ba da ba da ba da ba, pssh!

That's not how a drum sounds.

Stop making up band names.

Don't nobody know
them white groups, man.

Looks like your ride is here.

Hey.

- Hey, now you must be Theodore.
- No, I'm Stephen Hawking.

[LAUGHTER]

- Ouch.
- He's got jokes.

Hi, Theodore. I'm Nina.

We spoke on the phone. Did
you come here alone or...

No, I told my driver to wait in the car.

Okay.

Ooh, got a driver.
That's kinda fancy, huh?

If you consider a handicap van fancy,

then you're not as
successful as I thought.

- Boom! Oh!
- Wow.

You know, fellas,

I think I'm gonna skip
lunch and stay here with DL.

I think this is going to
be far more entertaining.

Yeah, my name is Charlie Murphy, man.

Pleased to meet you, bro.

I know who you are.
George, Cedric, Eddie.

Oh, you guys crack me up!

Oh, thanks, man! He's
not contagious, is he?

- Come on, man.
- All right, my man!

Hey, yo!

You got some hand sanitizer?

Hey, kiddo. Nice meeting you, man.

All right, take care,
buddy. All right, you too.

Stay strong, little
brother. Stay strong.

Thanks for your service, man.

Sorry about them IUDs.
They blew you up, man.

They just take 'em too young, DL.

Hey, he's not in the military, man.

So look, Theo. I got our
whole day planned out.

It's Theodore.

Unlike you, I like my whole name.

[CHUCKLES]

All right, okay. Cool, uh, Theodore.

Well, like I said, I have
our whole day planned out.

We'll go to the radio station.

You'll watch me chop it up

with one of the country's hottest DJs.

And then we're going to
a four star restaurant,

have a little dinner.
How does that sound?

- Not as good as a strip club.
- I can make that happen.

You can't. He's a kid.

He said he wants to see some ass.

I like big asses.

They make the pain go away!

Make the pain go away!

We are not going to see big asses.

We are going to have some good,
clean American fun, Theodore.

- Aw, man!
- Let's go.

DL's gonna give you the
money so you can make it rain.

What? 2, $300?

Whatever you want.

Two stacks? Three stacks?

Fresh breath for the ladies, Eddie?

No, free high for myself, baby.

- What is that?
- Medical marijuana.

Fell out of the pocket of
the kid I was holding on to.

- They give them the best weed.
- Seriously.

It's not even 10 o'clock, you've
already committed a felony.

Misdemeanor.

The most I'd probably do is a year.

I understood the risks.
That's why I took the chance.

That's what all that huggin' was?

Let me have that.

Oh! Wow, you want some of this?

No, thank you.

You guys already have me
taking something for my nerves.

Oh, this works too.

Cedric, do you want some
Mountain [UNINTELLIGIBLE]?

No, man. I'm good.

I need to finish this speech, man.

I want to say something
to inspire the kids.

- Oh, so you're into this now?
- Of course.

Look, I was messin' around before.

But I know that the words that I say

can be inspirational to the kids today.

I may influence the next
future president or something.

Exactly.

Or one of these young hoodlums

that's about to rob me for my wallet.

But because of my speech,

they will be so inspired that
they'll rob Eddie instead.

They better have two dogs,
two pistols, and a dinosaur.

I cut children.

I stab adults.

Children, they heal fast,
so you just cut them.

Yeah.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Cedric, right here!

- Guys, I gotta go.
- No, you are too kind.

Yo, man, are you as high as I am?

No, I'm cool, Charlie.

Thank you. You're so full of it.

What?

I saw how you lit up
when you saw those kids.

You love them. You love helping people.

All right, I admit it.

I mean, I usually do my
philanthropy anonymously,

like Batman, you know?

So I guess you could say I'm a hero.

And so yes, I do love the kids.

So maybe I should change my name to, uh,

Cedric the Child Lover.

- Ooh, no.
- No.

- Mm-mm.
- Not that one.

Mm-mm.

Hold up, what the [BLEEP] is this shit?

Oh, man, Ced, that's
a big-ass check, dude.

Hey, Ced, man, where
do you keep your money?

In a giant-ass bank?

Hold on, hold on.

Look, I donated $10,000, not $100,000.

Man, let's get out of here.

No, no, no.

Hi, everyone. Thank you for having us.

No problems.

Cedric, the press has
already seen that check.

- We cannot leave.
- Damn, you're right.

Thank you. I normally am.

It's nice of you to recognize.
Look, I know it's a hit, Cedric.

But just like you
said, you love the kids.

Yeah, but not $100,000 worth.

I don't even love my
own kids $100,000 worth.

I was gonna use that
money to buy me a Wingstop.

You want some, man?

I want some.

My bad.

No, it goes in my blood faster.

- Here, like that.
- One more.

?

Welcome back to King
Jelly in the Afternoon.

Now, Charlie, before the
break, you was tellin' us

how DL shared his room with
a grown man when he was a kid?

He's making it seem
like he was a stranger.

He went to church with us.

Brother Waters went to our church.

And our mother was
trying to help him out.

By letting him sleep in his room.

[CHUCKLING]

He couldn't sleep in her room.
It would've been really weird.

I'd have to call him
Uncle Brother Waters.

- [BA DUM TSS]
- No, dude, I get it.

Times was hard, so she let him
stay there to make ends meet.

So I did my part by giving
up my part of the room.

Sounds like that's not
the only thing you gave up.

[LAUGHTER]

[BAD UM TSS]

[APPLAUSE]

- He's talking about your butt.
- Yeah, there we go.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, yeah, I got it, Charlie.

Hey, Wish Me Well
Theodore got jokes, man.

He's a funny dude.
Funny builds character.

He reminds me of me when I was young.

He's been hittin' me
with zingers all day.

Hey, DL, which one was easier to take,

my jokes or Brother Waters?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Wow, wow, wow, Theo.

I can't believe you're doin' this, man.

How come he get to call
you Theo and I don't?

Because I like Charlie,

and something tells me his
first time wasn't with a deacon.

[LAUGHTER]

[BA DUM TSS]

Hey, man, look, you guys are all right,

but that's all the time
we have for the day, man.

So I wanna give a special thanks
to my guests Charlie Murphy,

DL Hughley, and my man Big
Theo for coming through today.

I thought I was gonna
get to rip on the NRA.

Hey, speaking of ripping, tell
us more about Brother Waters.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

This kid's talkin' about
your butt again, man.

- I got it.
- I know.

Oh my God!

Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.

I'm looking at the email you sent.

- You definitely pledged $100,000.
- Let me see that.

Why do you think I
replied "You are the man"

with three little dancing girl emojis?

Well, because $10,000 is
what a man would offer.

Yeah, but for 10, I'm
only giving up one emoji.

Really?

You and your little private school

are starting to show up right now.

Man, how come spellcheck
doesn't work on numbers?

'Cause spellcheck
doesn't know you're cheap.

Hey, Ced, don't worry about it.

Me and George, we're
figuring it all out.

- Check it out.
- Check this out.

- NINA: Oh, Jesus.
- GEORGE: Is that good?

- Come on, man, y'all making it worse.
- He's right.

What's wrong with that?

Cedric, this is gonna look
really bad for you in the press.

I know.

It's gonna look like I
voided a check on a bunch of

illiterate, drug-addicted,
pregnant probation jumpers.

Okay, I hope that is not
in your speech, right?

Man, would y'all fix this?

I do not want these little future felons

sneaking up on me, trying to shake me.

Not again. Not in your speech, I hope.

Forget about that speech.
Nobody care about no speech.

I just wanna know how
I'm gonna get my Wingstop.

Hey, how are we gonna
get rid of this check?

I got an idea, y'all.

Blank check, Ced.

You can fill it in with whatever...

for homeless people, the dolphins.

You can save all these mother [BLEEP].

[CLAPS]

Hey, Nightstalker. Come on, clap.

[APPLAUSE]

See, Theo, if you wanna
get some girls for real,

you wanna come into the world of comedy.

Really?

Okay, yes. Singers gotta work too hard.

You gotta sing, dance,
roll on the floor, beg.

Comedians, all we gotta
do is make 'em go tee hee,

then they come and
give us their [BLEEP].

No shit!

Come on, bring down the vulgarity

just a little bit to
PG-13. He's just a kid.

Stop acting like a bitch, DL.

Hey, Theo!

No, no. It's cool.

- It's his day.
- That's right.

And since you're paying,

you won't mind if I order
another lobster, will you?

Nope, not at all.

Like I said, knock
yourself out. It's your day.

That's what I thought.

I'll be back after I
empty my colostomy bag,

which is still not as full
of shit as your latest book.

Why you let dude talk
to you like that, man?

- Come on, he's a kid.
- Ain't the DL I know.

I mean, the DL I know would've opened up

his colostomy bag right here
and poured it on his lap.

Look, he's a sick kid,

and I'm just trying
to set a good example.

Now, I don't think you should
have to legislate kindness.

Look, man, it would
be a much better world

if we all just helped each
out every once in a while,

although I do not understand why

this little [BLEEP]
wants to [BLEEP] for me.

But it's cool. I got tough skin.

- You got tough skin?
- I do.

- So you're okay?
- DL: Mm-hmm.

- All right, Mr. Tough Skin.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna have to start
calling you Elephant Man.

- That's my name.
- 'Cause you got tough skin.

DL: Yes, I do.

Although I would not
mind if the good lord,

in his infinite wisdom,

decided to take that
little bastard right now.

Every night, a runaway
teen sleeps on the streets,

risking countless
harrowing possibilities...

arrest, prostitution,
assault, and starvation,

or illness from dumpster-diving.

- [LAUGHS]
- Will y'all just chill out?

Our outreach will extend further

and will keep these children
off the streets thanks to heroes

like Cedric the Entertainer.

[APPLAUSE]

Great. Cedric's a hero.

That's you, Ced.

Hey, it's your turn, man.

HOSTESS: Keep your applause
going, please, for our hero,

Cedric the Entertainer!

[APPLAUSE]

- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you.

Where's the check? Where is the check?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Who's got the check, man?

Everybody knows that my money is good.

There's no reason to concern yourselves.

Do you prefer ma'am or miss?

We want everyone to
have a chance to see it.

[GASPING]

Oh, man, look at everybody's face.

EDDIE: [LAUGHS]

Come on. How about it, guys?

How about it?

I know you're asking yourselves,
why is the check voided?

And I see you asking other people also

why this check is voided.

Well, why would you void a check?

You void that check because you
don't want that check to clear,

namely because your
account's not really full

and it can't handle it.

And that's not the case here.
That's not what's going on here.

This check is voided for
a very good reason, guys.

And there's a great reason.

It's the reason that I'm
gonna tell you right now.

This check is void because of a... a...

[LAUGHTER]

Ah, man, this is about to get real soon.

My good friends, Eddie
Griffin and George Lopez,

have decided to match my donation.

[GASPING]

What the [BLEEP] is that?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

CEDRIC: Come on and
give it to them, guys!

Oh, oh, oh! Oh, thank you!

- I never said that.
- I ain't said shit.

Aren't they wonderful?

Hey, uh, Theodore? It was a pleasure.

I wanna thank you for choosing me

to help make your wish come true.

- I hope you had a good time.
- Not really.

Man, you've been giving
me a hard time all day.

Did I do something to offend you?

No, actually. Um, just the opposite.

You wanted him to offend you?

As a matter of fact, yes.

You see, all you do is treat
me like I'm just some sick kid.

Man, you are sick.

I know,

but everyone in my life wants
to act like everything's fine.

I thought you would keep it real.

I wanted Def Jam, DL,
not Kelly Ripa's cohost.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, man, I really appreciate
you being straight with me.

Now I wanna be straight with you.

First, I'm really sorry you're sick.

I can't even imagine how scary
it is, knowing what's ahead.

And second, and the most important,

you're a [BLEEP] asshole.

All right, finally! That's
the DL I was lookin' for!

Oh, now Mr. My Left Foot is happy.

- Nice!
- You know what?

You think that's good, I
got a better one for you.

You're so [BLEEP] up,

you need a wheelchair ramp to
get on to the wheelchair ramp.

Booyah! Now I'm having fun.

You know, I got some sweet
medicinal marijuana spray.

You guys down?

Uh, yeah, if it's good.

It's so good, sometimes
I forget I can't walk.

Break it on out. Break it on out.

THEODORE: All right, all right!

Where... Is there a problem?

Yeah, where... where is my pot spray?

Eddie [BLEEP] Griffin.

[BLEEP] Eddie!

- Charity work is exhausting.
- Yeah, and expensive.

Yeah, man, for what we spent,
we could've bought a kid.

I'm high, but I think
that's bad, George.

I know it didn't turn out
the way we wanted it to,

but I'm glad we all gave back.

Now we gotta find another sick kid.

[LAUGHTER]

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