Original subtitles

- Once I finish tracking Brendar the Barbarian,

she will regret ever having met Skelly, me,

general of the Undead Army.

Now, which way did she go?

- [giggles]

Hello, friend.

- How do you do?

- Hello, disturbing forest critters wearing tiny overalls.

- You must be ever so cold without any skin.

- What brings you to the forest?

- I seek the barbarian known as Brendar.

I am on a revenge quest.

[together] Quests are tee-tiddly-riffic!

- Can we come along?

- No, like I said, it's a revenge quest.

There's going to be a lot of mayhem and gratuitous violence.

- We don't mind violence.

- Well, you can't. It'll ruin my whole look.

both: Aww. - We're sad now.

- Well, I can't help you with that.

- And you should be sad, too, because you don't know how

to find Brendar the Barbarian.

- But we do. - Where is she?

- She's in a witch's castle, and only we know the way!

[both giggle]

- Where is this castle? Tell me!

- Only if you let us join your quest.

- Ohh, fine!

- Hey, everyone! We're going on a revenge quest!

- What? Ah!

Oh, brother.

[dramatic music]

- Okay. Here we go.

I know I can do this.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

And zap!

D'oh.

Zap!

Zap!

[bird squawking]

- Direct hit. Nice.

- I was going for the bottles. - Oh.

- Couldn't hit the ground if I was aiming for it.

How am I going to face Gnarlia in a magical spar?

- Well, just remember, Dad,

you don't need any talent to try your best.

- Ohh, I am a hot mess.

And your brother's magic is so advanced.

- Not advanced, just different.

Your magic is...unique.

- Hmm. Zap.

- And unpredictable. - Mm.

- Come on, you're the greatest wizard in the tri-village area.

- Yeah, but your mother was born a witch.

She was throwing hexes in her diapers.

I didn't learn wizardry till college,

and even then, I was a C-plus student.

- C-plus student or not, you've got to face Mom

and get your amulet back.

- You're right.

It's the only way you're going to enjoy your human teen years.

Plus, it'll help with that molting problem.

- It's not really a problem. I like to molt.

- And I like the way that amulet looks

when I wear it with my pointy hat.

- It was all they talked about at Wizard-Con last year.

- Mm.

[back cracking]

Ahh.

[inhales deeply]

Mm...zap!

Ha ha! Look at that! - Whoa!

Way to go, Dad! Wow! - ♪ I did it, I did it ♪

♪ Look what I did ♪

[light orchestral music]

♪ ♪

- Therein lies what we seek.

The transmogrification amulet.

- Wow, that castle is so fancy. You grew up there, Stacey?

- Yeah, but Mom's made a few upgrades.

Added a tower, stocked the moat with koi,

turned the dungeon into a crafting corner.

- What? That dungeon was my man cave.

- Well, then you better go in there

and zap those decorative pillows into oblivion.

- You're right.

I'm gonna take back what's mine!

- You ready, Axe?

- I was forged ready.

- Gather round.

Sharpen your talons.

Tune your lute.

Power up your...wand? Staff?

- Yeah, it's a staff.

- For the moment is nigh.

We storm the castle of the great witch Gnarlia!

[together] Yeah!

[upbeat percussive music]

[all yelling]

[all yelling]

[all yelling]

[all yelling] - Ugh!

- You guys okay?

- Seriously? both: No.

- I thought he'd be more top-heavy.

- ♪ A troll burned his bridge ♪

♪ A warrior lost her crown ♪

♪ I'm not being poetic ♪

♪ That's literally what went down ♪

♪ Together they're journey has begun ♪

♪ Combining might and melody ♪

♪ To quest and smite a demon ♪

♪ And find their true family ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ "The Barbarian and the Troll" ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ "The Barbarian and the Troll" ♪

♪ ♪

- I am Brendar the Barbarian.

- Yeah, "feared and revered" is her slogan.

- Stand aside, brave knight!

- Yeah. You're not on the list.

- List? [scoffs]

Take off your helmet and face me

and my questing companions.

[grunting]

Okay, wow, this is on real good.

[grunting]

Okay. Is it a twist-off?

Lefty loosey, righty tighty.

Whoa!

Ugh!

Not cool!

- When respect is lacking, my axe starts hacking.

- Oh, it's on!

[dramatic music]

- Hi, Steve.

- Stacey. How are things?

- Ugh, I cannot with this small talk.

Just let us in.

- Uh, happy to, but you know your mom hates fighting.

magic spars in particular,

And since we started dating,

I'm super focused on her happiness levels.

- Wait a second-- you mean to tell me

this tin can full of gravy is dating my ex-wife?

- Who's this guy? - This is my dad!

- Gnarlia's never mentioned me? - Uh, one time.

She said you were dead... to her.

- I can't believe Gnarlia is dating a knight.

- And a very attractive one at that.

What is that? Stainless steel? - Enough!

Let me see if you can hackity-hack

as well as you can yackity-yack.

- You talk a lot of smackity-smack.

- Just move, Steve!

- Stacey, your mom just hung some gorgeous new tapestries.

I got to know there won't be any end-of-quest battles.

- [laughs] - What?

- I mean, no, of course not. - I can't make any promises.

- I'm not sure.

- You know, Steve,

Mom really wants us to get along.

- Well, that's what I want, too.

- Good. So what if we left you some collateral,

just so you know we won't cause any trouble.

- Well, I'm into collateral.

What do you want to leave?

- Him. - Wait, what's collateral?

- It's just the best, most important part of the quest.

- Yeah, we can't do it without collateral.

- It's supes important, man.

- I mean, it's the number-one job,

but if you don't want to do it--

- No, no, no, pick me, pick me. I want to be collateral.

- All right, if you insist.

Good seeing you, Steve. - Okay, bye, Stace.

- See ya. - Be back in a sec!

- Hey, you don't have to be nervous around me

just because I'm all super important

because I'm collateral, 'cause I'm just like you,

made of fur and hair and meat.

I'm assuming you're made of that.

It's kind of hard to see past that grill of yours.

- Don't take this the wrong way,

but you're exhausting. - Oh!

Well, if you're tired, no problem.

I'm gonna whip up something on my lute

to help you get your snooze on. - Oh, boy.

- ♪ Lullaby, giant guy ♪

- Eh, that's never gonna work.

- ♪ Lullaby, giant guy ♪

♪ Lay your big metal head to rest tonight ♪

- [grunts]

[snoring loudly] - Works every time.

- [continues snoring]

- Ooh, how many of you are in there?

Wow.

[sneaky music]

♪ ♪

- What?

- Dad, this is gonna be so epic!

- I'm not feeling super magical.

- Well, get hyped, man, because it's the only way

I'll be rid of these feathers, and you hate me being a bird.

- I love you, my little owlet.

It's you leaving your pellets around the castle I don't like.

- Psst. - [gasps]

- Get over here. - Oh.

- Not on my front lawn!

And then I turned her into a toad.

- You're turning into your mother, Agnes.

Ugh, I can't believe

I have to provide a snack for the entire symposium.

- Oh, no, Gnarlia, who hexed you into that awful task?

- I'm pretty sure it was Griselda.

- She's had it out for you ever since

you didn't comment on her new broom.

- I mean, she calls those bristles?

[both cackling]

- Oh, how I miss that shrill cackle of hers.

Now she's dating some young knight?

Since when does she like a chiseled physique

and a commanding, masculine voice?

- You reek of low self-esteem. - You can't smell esteem!

- Come on, Dad. Do you want to see my face again?

You need that amulet. - [gasps] You're right.

I'm going to march in there

and do battle with that witch like the man I am,

and win back my pretty necklace!

- Try not to die.

- [grunts] - Horus!

- Gnarlia. - Horus?

- Agnes.

- Agnes, I'll have to call you back.

Get out of my kitchen!

- Not until you return the amulet you used

to turn our daughter into an owl.

- Stop blaming me for that.

Stacey was asking for it.

- [gasps] Liar, liar, pointy hat on fire!

Zap!

- [scoffs] I can't believe you still need to announce

your mediocre magic.

- Aah! I do not announce my magic.

I-- [whispers] Zap.

- I heard you.

- Well, then listen to this.

Zappity zap, zappity zap zap zap!

- Lame.

- I believe in you, Dad!

- Really? [Horus shouts]

- [snoring, grunting]

- Oh, rise and shine, shiny. Did you have a nice nap?

- [yawns]

Well, that was refreshing. - Hmm.

- But I can't believe you didn't escape.

- Me, escape? No, no, no. I am collateral.

Very important to the quest, remember?

- I would have totally left and picked my pockets.

Then I would've had to chase me down to get these babies back.

- Ooh, I didn't know you were a fellow musician.

- Oh, I'm no pro, but I am pretty good with the spoons.

- Huh. - Check it.

- Oh, wow. That's great, Steve.

Can I join you? - Sure.

See if you can keep up.

[upbeat music playing]

- Let's do this.

both: ♪ We're Gothmoria's best ♪

- ♪ And we've got a mark to leave on it ♪

- ♪ That's a guarantee ♪

- ♪ And you can Steve on it ♪

- Oh, that's a pretty cool slogan.

- It's more of a catchphrase, actually.

- Hmm.

- You are a thief, old flame.

Zap!

- Listen to me, you pocket-sized magician.

This amulet is mine.

You gave it to me as a gift after I broke up with you.

- We mutually decided you would break up with me.

Zap!

Aah! Zap!

- Wow, look at them.

It's like they've never been apart.

- Do you think he needs help? - Zap.

Aah!

- Yeah, I think we should go in.

- Interfere, and I'll melt you into jewelry.

- Zap! - Oh...

both: ♪ Make the goblins say hey ♪

♪ Make the thieves say ho ♪

- Hey. - Hey.

- Ho. - Ho.

both: ♪ Do we rock the show? ♪

♪ You can Steve on it ♪

- ♪ And you can Evan on it ♪

[loud clang] - Wait.

That sounds like an end-of-quest battle.

Whoa! - Ah!

No!

Oh, Lute-y, are you okay?

Stay with me, buddy. Stay with me.

It's gonna be okay.

- I specifically told them no battles.

Now I have to mush you into a pulp, Mr. Collateral.

- Uh, Mr. Collateral would very much like to remain un-mushed.

- Not how collateral works, little guy.

Collateral is something that you leave behind

in exchange for security

to prove you will keep your word.

- Gah! But they said it was the most important job.

- That barbarian tricked you. - [gasps]

- So now you're mine to destroy!

Say bye-bye, little sprout.

[ominous music]

- Goodbye, little sprout.

- Do you really have to destroy me?

- I'm contractually obligated. It's my job.

- Ooh, wait. You hear that, Steve?

It sounds like the tapestries are getting destroyed--

the gorgeous tapestries, Steve.

[high-pitched voice] Oh, no! My tapestries! Help!

[normal voice] You hear that, Steve?

- Oh, Gnarlia needs me.

I'm coming, my cream puff!

- [laughs]

- It's an epic battle.

Let me in there!

- No way! These explosions are lit!

- You lied to the Steve the Knight.

- Yeah, and the naive little troll,

aka me, Mr. Collateral.

- I'm sorry, Evan, it's just, you know, you were the only one

who didn't know the meaning of the word, so...

- Prepare to be pulped. - It's hacking time.

- It's smushing time!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Finally, Steve, where the devil have you been?

- Well, uh...

- Hi, Mom. - Oh, hello, sweetheart!

Oh, your flying's much improved.

- Zap!

- I'll be with you in a second.

- Oh!

- Your magic is disgraceful!

All those night-school wizardry courses,

and you still can't get me.

- Zap!

Oh!

[cat meows] - [grunts]

- Come on, Dad. Get it together.

- I will never give up.

Zap!

[both grunting]

- You got some good moves there.

- I know. - Zap!

- Give me back my amulet, woman!

Zap!

- You'll never get this stone back.

- I need that amulet to turn our bitter teen owl

back into a bitter teen girl.

Zap!

- For the last time, Horus,

she was asking for it!

- Aah! Oh!

Aah! [grunts]

- Are you done, old man?

- Old man?

Well, I'll show you who's an old--

[back cracks] Oh, my back.

- You are a horrible influence on our daughter.

- [gasps]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Easy, Horus.

Horus, easy.

- Ultimate Zap!

Aah!

Oh.

My magical amulet! - My chicken pottage!

♪ ♪

Magic amulet in a witch's pot!

Stand back!

- Bad mojo! Everybody get down!

- So what happens when a magical amulet

mixes with chicken pottage?

[mystical music]

♪ ♪

- [clucking]

- [clucks]

- [clucking]

[all clucking]

- This is what you call a party fowl.

- Corvettes and landlord threats,

quick, quack, quicken.

Wage your bets, no regrets,

hominid chicken!

- [coughing]

Well, that was disturbing.

- Would you help me for a moment?

I need to go talk to my daughter.

- Who, me? - Yes. Just read the passage

and wave the amulet, and she'll be all set.

- So, like, anyone can be a wizard?

Hmm. [chicken clucks]

- Ooh. I wonder if there's such a thing as chicken collateral.

[chicken clucks]

- Well, is everyone back to normal?

- Yeah, much less feathered, thank you.

When Evan is done with the amulet,

I can reverse that terrible spell your mother put on you.

- Horus, for the hundredth time, Stacey was asking for it.

- I don't care what she did.

No one deserves the punishment of being turned into an owl.

- Dad, you're not listening.

I was asking for it... literally.

- She followed me around for weeks, saying,

"Mom, can you turn me into an owl?

How about now, how about now? How about now?"

- It's true. Flying is rad, my night vision rocks,

and my toes are little weapons of death.

- But then what was this whole quest about

if not to return you to your normal human form?

- It was about the three of us hanging out again.

[gentle music]

- Sweetie, what's really going on?

- [sighs] When I was a kid, you guys would have

magical spars all the time.

I miss it. I just wanted to see the sparks fly again.

♪ ♪

- Toe clipping, day tripping, sharp chicken claw.

Sheep turd, shaved bird, rotten coleslaw!

[dramatic music]

- Uh, you're not done.

- Oh, no, I'm just getting started.

I seriously can't believe you left me with a guy

who said he would smush me if you started a magical fight,

and then you went and started a magical fight!

- I knew he wouldn't. You're un-smushable.

You can talk your way out of anything.

- So you're saying you trusted me as your closest friend

to save you in this quest should you fail?

- Well, I didn't say any of that.

- You didn't have to! Bring it in!

- I'm gonna have to stop that hug with my chicken foot.

- [clears throat] Um, has your foot always looked like that?

- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to cause all this trouble.

- Encouraging us to melt each other's faces off

is not a great way

to get your father and I back together.

- Yeah, she could have burned off my luxurious beard.

Ha, a wizard without a beard, can you imagine?

- Come on, didn't you guys enjoy seeing each other?

A little?

- Oh, no, honey, I don't like your father.

Although I have to admit,

he did show an impressive fighting display.

- Yeah, really got zappy with it there, didn't I?

- The most fun I had today was seeing you, Stacey.

- Yeah, same here, sweetheart.

- You see me every day, Dad.

- It's always the best part of every day.

Even in your owl form,

you still have the most wonderful eyes.

Oh, Give your old man a hug. - Oh, Dad.

- And your young mother. - No! Oh, you have to.

- Oh, come on. Bring it in. - Oh, you have to! You have to!

- Stop! - Oh, there we go.

- Oh, I love my baby girl.

- I'm gonna ruffle your feathers!

I'm gonna ruffle your fea--

- Happy questing! Thanks for stopping by!

- Next time, don't!

- Goodbye, Steve.

Fun fact, Gnarlia's crafting corner makes a superb man cave.

- See you at spring break, Mom.

- Well, I am so happy they stopped by.

- Mm, they did leave a mess. [cat meows]

- You're holding the cat too tight.

Steven, release her. - Oh, sorry.

- Good end of quest, Evan.

You got into a battle, and you did some magic.

- Yeah, and to bring it all home, I used that amulet

to turn you back into a barbarian just perfectly.

- I know, I was there.

- [grunts, clears throat] - What?

- Uh, Nothing. Let's keep questing.

Eyes on the road. - Okay.

- Someone should tell her.

- Don't look at me.

[quirky upbeat music]

- I have a chicken nose, don't I?

- You do!

It's a big, fat chicken face! Blegh!

- I am General Skelly. I--

- We're on a revenge quest.

all: Yay! - Shush!

I demand you let me into the castle.

- Mm...

Sorry, you're not on the list.

- I command the Army of the Undead.

- Mm, they don't look dead to me.

- We're dead on the inside.

- I do not need to be on a list to get into a castle.

- I'll bet those brittle bones of yours smash up real good.

- Like baby powder.

- Hey Mr. Metal Man, are we on the list?

- What are your names?

- Wee-Tinkle. - Tee-Winkle.

- Fee-Finkle. - Tink-Pinkle.

- Pink-Tinkle. - Fay-Tingle.

- Yip-Yangle. - Greg.

- Yeah, you guys can go in.

[together] Yay! - What?

Oh... [groaning]

Uh...

Zip-Zingle? - Nope.

- Dink-Dingle? - Mm-mm.

- Crank-Klingle. - No.

- Gah! I can't do this! [groans]

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