Original subtitles

Oh, that's fine, Charles. Yes, I'll confirm it in writing. Ciao!

Well...that's that.We're in? Yes.

A double room, balcony overlooking the sea ― Hotel Miramar,

Puerto de Vallarta, Majorca. That's for the whole Christmas period.

Good! I see there's a golf course. Is that a separate charge?

Yes, but you can pay here. Saves spending the old pesetas.

Excuse me... The dustbins are in the alleyway. Please do not come into the shop!

How are we doing? This hotel ― it's all RIGHT, is it?

There's so much riff...eh, working class in Majorca these days. Not in the Hotel Miramar, sir!

It has 32 acres and its own beach. No, you'll be well away from them.

They have guard dogs as well.

Fine.

I see they have a beauty salon. Yes. First class standard.

Is there a sauna?

You'll find they have everything

that you have in Epsom.

SNIFFS

Eu-eugh!Oh...

Excuse me! I do beg your pardon!

You'd think they'd be used to that, living in Epsom!

What do you want?A bit of service. I'm going on holiday, ain't I?

Remember me?Should I?You took my bleeding deposit quick enough!

You booked me in. Eh...Steptoe.

I've come to pay off the balance. Steptoe?Harold.Excuse me.

S... S...I've got my horse and cart on a meter outside.

Stern... Styles... Could you get a wiggle on, please?

Step... Steptoe... Ah, yes.

Steptoe... Oh, dear.

Is this right ― Hotel Miramar? That's right! Puerto de Vallarta!

Double room with balcony. Ten days, including Christmas.Quite right.

Eh...there has been a slight change of plan.

Oh, you can't go?No... You want to cancel?No, no!

But, unfortunately, I shall be going on my own.

I had originally booked for a young lady friend and myself.Ye-es.

Well, regretfully, I found out that the said young lady has decided...

to give me the elbow!

I see.I'll keep the room. No doubt I'll pick up something out there!

Eh...excuse me.

Eh?

Did you say you'll be staying at the Miramar?

Yes...

Are you going as well?Eh...yes.

Oh, that is MARVellous! My name's, eh...Steptoe.

I'm in room 23. What room are you in?

..24.

Oh, that IS good news! We can have breakfast on the balcony! Oh, no, I...Don't worry.

I DO wear pyjamas...on holiday!

I mean, one has to in these Spanish hotels. You never know when they're going to fall down!

You can't be dug out of the rubble in the noody!

Us-ted hab-la Espanol?

Si, poco.

Oh, moi au-ssi!

I take lessons at Shepherd's Bush Adult Further Education Institute.

Excellent teacher! Eh...he's Pakistani.

His English ain't too hot but his Spanish is muy excelente!

He was first rowed ashore in Barcelona.

That explains it. See, he thought he was in Dungeness, poor...!

I really must pay my bill! I don't like to leave the horse.

She might kick some parking warden up the Black Hole of Calcutta!

Heh-heh! Oh, dear...!

How much do I owe you, please? That's, eh...98 pounds to pay.

Oh, very reasonable! This will be the best Christmas I've ever spent,

especially now I'll have friends!

I...must apologise for their condition.

They pass through some mucky hands in my business!

Not everyone's as particular as me. I'm sure...W-would YOU do it?

I've got some more here, somewhere. A-hem!

O-oh!

Oh, my gawd...! My lunch!

If I take these home, the old man'll go POTTY !

Bung them in the bin, will you?

Unless you would care to partake? No, thank you!

It's Polish sausage ― a bit chewy, but very nourishing.Thank you, no. A-hem! One too many.

You keep that. You have been most helpful, squire.

You're most kind(!) Your tickets. Thanks.

Well, I shall bid you adios, mon braves!

I shall look forward to seeing you in Puerto de Vallarta. Perhaps we might meet on the plane!

Have them for your tea. Silly to be proud!

I shall look forward to a knees-up with you on Christmas Day!

We'll show these Spaniards how to dance, eh ?!

HORSE WHINNIES

I'm coming!

Vaya...con...

WHINNYING

Shut up, you great ugly pillock!

We've changed our minds. We'll go to Bournemouth instead.

Can't say I blame you!

#Enoch's dreaming

of a Whi-ite Christmas...

#Just like the ones

'e used to know...#

That should do it.

HUMS "WHITE CHRISTMAS" TUNELESSLY

#..da-de-da...Enoch...

#..Christmases...

#With every...Christmas...

#..card...I write...

#May your days...be merry

and bright...#

Oh, that's nice... Yeah.

#..May all...your Christmases...

#..be white.#

VERY nice... Very nice.

Bit shiny, but...festive!

Where shall I put the holly wreath?

Yeah, that's it.

DROPS NAIL

Oh, ga-awd!

A-a-argh...!

Oh, cobblers! I'll leave it there and hang it up later.

There you are ― John Gregson!

Now...

that's the lot. Just the tree...and that's it!

Must think about getting a new one next year.

Still...saves sweeping up the floor after!

You go there. Let's see what we've got here.

Cor blimey! You look like you've seen more Christmases thanIhave, doll!

Oh, well... There you go.

Yeah... There you are ― your first Common Market Christmas!

Good, isn't it? WE remember the bad old days, don't we ― you and me?

Yeah... Bleeding sight better than they are now!

Do you remember your first Christmas? 1932. 'Arold was only 6 months old then.

He kept gurgling and pointing up at you, so I lifted him

and he stretched out his chubby little fist,

grabbed hold of you and pulled your leg off!

We never did find that, either!

I think he must have et it!

We've watched him grow up, you and me, from that little baby into what he is now ―

a bleeding disappointment!

You've seen a lot of Christmases, stuck up there, haven't you? Good ones and bad ones.

Remember 1936? That was the year his mother was took from us.

Very sudden ― two days before Christmas.

And I'd BOUGHT her present already, so that was a waste of money!

Miserable Christmases we've had since then ― miserable.

..'Cept 1940! That was a good one ― 'cept for the blitz!

Still, if it hadn't been for the blitz, I wouldn't have had that A.T.S girl billeted on me!

Now, what was her name...? Yeah, Annie McFaddern!

You didn't see much of me THAT Christmas, did you ?!

Cor, she was a big girl !

If they'd stuck her up on a cable, she'd have brought down half the Luftwaffe!

'Arold and me was nearly killed, that Christmas.

She thought she heard a bomb coming and threw herself on top of us!

If it hadn't been for the rationing I would have married her.

If it hadn't been for the rationing I would have married her.

Never mind... I've still got 'Arold.

He always spends Christmas with me. I couldn't bear Christmas on me own ― not at MY age.

Ye-e-eah, I've a lot to be thankful for.

Now, let's have a look at you... Yeah, very nice!

Well, he'll be home soon. I'll go and switch the yard light on.

YEE-EAAARGH...! 'Arold ?! Is that you, 'Arold ?!

Where ARE you ?! 'Aro-o-old...?!

I-I'm sorry, 'Arold!

'Arold, you didn't...?Yes, I DID !

From a height of two feet!

It was part of the decorations.

So am I, now! Why did you leave it on the seat ?!

I forgot. It was going on the wall. ..Are you in pain?

Yes! Wouldn't YOU be in pain with a bum full of perforations ?!

Oh, well, never mind. Don't DO that...!

You go inside. I'll fill a basin full of hot water

and you can sit in it. Oh, leave me alone!

I've, eh...I've finished the decorations. They look nice.

Oh, yes, Dad, I wanted a word... I left the balloons for you.

Me lungs...ain't what they were.

I can't even inflate the little tits on the ends of the sausage ones!

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without balloons. There's something I want to tell...

What do you think?

Oh, yes. Oh, very nice. Very colourful.

Dolly looks nice on the tree, don't she?Yes. Yes, eh...she does.

She's lasted well ― 41 years. Wouldn't be the same without her.

Eh...look, Dad, I, er...wanted a word with you...about Christmas.

Yeah, we've still got a lot to do. I haven't ordered the turkey.

We'll get one at the market on Christmas Eve.

Dad, before you go on, I... O-ow...!

I left the vegetables to you. I can't hump them around, not with MY back.

I've got biscuits and, em...a big box of dates, 'cos I know you like dates.

And I've got the crackers ― good ones.

Good presents ― whistles, and them things you move about trying to get the balls into the little holes.

You like them. You're always playing with them!

D-dad, please, sit down. I want...

Now, booze. We've got some, and we'll order crates of light ale and brown ale,

a bottle of Tom Thumb, a bottle of...gold watch and a bottle of Vera Lynn, in case the vicar comes!

Do you want wine?Dad, please...

They've got Dago Red at the supermarket ― 81p a litre!

I don't know if that's the cost or the effect it has on you!

And I put the puddings on to boil. Can you smell 'em?

Yes, yes. They smell...wonderful.

Nice and dark, they are ― black as a gorilla's goolies!

I've put half a quidsworth of sixpences in ― make sure you get one this year!

Now, do you want mince pies? Dad, I won't be here.If you do, you'll have to tell me n...

What did you say?I won't be here.

'Course you will ― it's Christmas! No, I'm going away.

Where?Puerto de Vallarta.Where the bleeding hell's that?!Majorca.

We don't want to go to Ma-jorca (!) I didn't say "we". I'm going on my own.

On...on your OWN ?!Yeah. Without ME ?!

Yeah.Without me ?!Without you.

On your own?On my own.

I-I should have told you, but I wasn't sure if I could raise sufficient conkers.

But today I paid the balance, so I'm off.

But you ALWAYS spend Christmas with me, here, just the two of us.

That's WHY I'm going to Majorca!

I'm going to be...perfectly honest, Dad.

I cannot spend another Christmas stuck in this rat-hole with you!

Over 40 years I've done it. If I do another one,

I shall go stark raving bonkers!

I thought you enjoyed it! We never enjoy it!

Ienjoy it!Liar! You just enjoy seeing me being miserable! We go through the same ritual every year!

I sit there for 3 solid days, wearing a daft paper hat, watching you sat in front of the goggle box

with walnut shells and fag ash piling up round your boots!

If it wasn't for calls of nature, you'd be buried alive by Boxing Day!

It's soul-destroying, Dad! I-I just can't stand it any longer!

I didn't realise.Well, you should! I tell you every year!

You sit there chomping on your nuts with the telly up full blast!

You don't hear ANYTHING, do you ?!

What about the present-giving? That's a nice part.

Yes, it is. I agree. It is. I agree.

All of 30 seconds that takes up!

"Here's yours. Where's mine?

"Go on, open it, 'Arold!"

"O-oh, just what I wanted ― 3 handkerchiefs and a pair of Y-fronts"(!)

How did you know ?!H...how (?) 'Cos that's what I always get!

I've had handkerchiefs and Y-fronts for 25 years!

You're getting very cynical, 'Arold. You never used to be. It's the THOUGHT that counts.

Yes, I know. Look, I'm not knocking the presents

but I've got to get away this year! Surely you don't begrudge me ten days?You're going for TEN DAYS ?!

I'm not going just for Christmas dinner!

So you've got yourself all sorted out, have you (?)Yeah.

I suppose you haven't thought about me!

Oh, that's where you're wrong, see. I've got you all sorted out.

Here. I...have had a word with the vicar.Oh, ga-awd!

He's throwing his annual Old People's Christmas Dinner

and he'll be delighted to see you, providing...Providing what ?!

You do not get Brahms and Liszt!

You do not shock all those sweet old ladies with your dirty stories!

The vicar ain't forgotten the way you done up his crossword puzzle!

He doesn't know the time of day!

Those "sweet old ladies" worked down the fish market when they was girls!

I was 4 years in the trenches and I never heard words like THEY use!

They sound like a stokers' reunion!

Don't be stubborn! Now then, here's your ticket.

This gives you a 3 course dinner, an apple, an orange and an ounce of tobacco.

And you can see the conjuror after!

I'm not going.The Mayor's going to be there.Oh, how exciting (!)

He'll turn up in his Rolls. "Hello, how are you?" On to the next one before he gets an answer!

He'll only stay long enough to have his photo in the local paper ―

him and his missus carving the turkey and then...off! You won't see him for dust!

You talk about ME being cynical ! It won't be like that at all !

You should be grateful...! Go on ― take the ticket.

You can KEEP the ticket and stick it in the kharsi!

And they can stuff their Christmas dinner ―Iain't going!

I've got me own home, me own food and...me own son.I won't BE here!

And I won't be there!Why not? Give me a reason.I won't!

You ain't got one!I have! Then let's HEAR it!

..I don't want to embarrass you. And what's THAT supposed to mean ?!

If you can't see, there's no use discussing it.That's no argument!

All right, then. It's for people with no-one to look after them.

Well, they all know about you. They'll say, "Where's 'Arold?

"Gone to Majorca to enjoy himself and left you alone ?!"

I'm not having that! I'm not having them talking like that about you.

No, it's best if I just stay here by myself and then they won't know.

You can't stay here by yourself.

Oh, don't you worry! I'll manage!

I'll go to the cemetery and sit with your mother for a few hours.

Then I'll have me bit of dinner,

pull a cracker with meself, put on a paper hat and watch the telly.

It'll only be for one day. I'll be in BED for the rest of the time!

You make it very easy, don't you (?)

It's probably me last Christmas here, anyway.

You've been saying that since 1955 and you're still here!

Then you can go abroad every year. I ain't gone and neither have you!

I don't really want to stay here another Christmas without your Mum.

I get very...tired these days.

I-I only keep going in order to look after you.

Now you don't want me, I...I might just as well turn it in and go up

and join her.

Are you going to join her now (?)

I'm going to bed! YOU'll want to do your packing!

You won't want ME under your feet!

Maybe I won't bother you THIS Christmas either!

Oh, yeah... As you're not staying, you might as well have your Christmas present now.

Merry Christmas, son.

Thank you, Dad.

Three handkerchiefs and a pair of Y-fronts!

Just what I wanted!

Really... I haven't got yours yet.

If I'm still here in the morning... give it to me then.

Goodnight, son.

'Oy...! What's that?What?

Those... Pills.Oh, just... something the doctor gave me.

What for? Nothing. Nothing... O-oh!

Goodnight, son.

All right!

What?

I'm not going.

Oh no, son. You mustn't stay here on MY account.No, it's all right.

I never expected to go. Not really.

I KNEW I wouldn't be going.

When I booked it... when I chose the hotel...

when I give him the money... when he give me the ticket...

I KNEW I'd be staying here...!

It's all a game now, really.

No, son, you go. I'll be all right. I'll manage.

I-I wouldn't want to spoil your Christmas.Nah, it's okay. I'm stopping here.

I'll tell you one thing ― I'm not stopping here just with you.

I...am going to cash in my ticket...

and blow it on the BIGGEST PARTY ever seen in this house!

I'm gonna invite EVERYbody!

Just so long as we're not ALONE !

I know, son. I understand.Grrr...

I'd better look at them puddings!

HYSTERICAL GIGGLE

"Now, with British Airways, take an Earthshrinker to any part of the world" (!)

If MY world shrinks any more...

I shall disappear up the back of these!

DOOR CLOSES

Ho, ho, ho, ho! Oh, yeah, that's it! That's MUCH better!

What have you got there? The Christmas fare, mate!

A goose...

a turkey...

I've had to wrestle with it all the way!

Another two turkeys and a York ham!

Here you are, mate ― get stuffing!

Three turkeys ?! That's too much for a dozen people!

That's just the sit-down dinner, mate. There's another 20 coming in the evening!

Then there's Boxing Day ― 40 more when the Skinner's Arms close!

This'll be a 3-day thrash, mate! Oo-oops!

Now...I've ordered 2 dozen loaves, a gross of sausage rolls,

14 jars of pickles and a wheel of cheddar!

And a new set of rods for the drains ?!

I've thought of that. I've invited Basil from the caravan site.

He's setting up 2 chemi-kharsis in the yard...

with canvas windbreaks! You'll need them!

This is the first Christmas I've ever really looked forward to! I'm going to have a good time!

Well, I'm not. I don't like having the house full of people.

'Arold, let's spend it on our own.

You don't have to stay here. I'll set you up a nice little table all of your own, out in the yard.

I'll send your dinner out. You can pull crackers with the horse. She'll look lovely in a paper hat!

It's a waste of money! It's MY money! My holiday money!

If I wish to invite my friends, that's up to me!YOUR friends!

None of mine!You ain't got any! They were killed in the trenches.

Yeah ― going over the top, trying to get away from you!

That war's been over 55 years. You should have made some since then!

You will find, as you go through life, that you don't make many friends ― not REAL friends.

Aw-ww (!)Them that's coming tomorrow night, they're scroungers!

They just want a free meal and a booze-up!That is not true!

Look! 55 cards I've had this morning!

Exactly. Nothing until you invited them!How many have you had?! Eh?!

60 ? 70 ? No ― one! ONE ! And who was that from? The Scrap Metal Association.

The Scrap Met...

Ain't you had mine yet?No.

I sent you one.Huh!I did! I wouldn't forget to send you one!

It'll come 2 days after Christmas, like last year! One of your old ones, with the writing rubbed out!

It was a funny one. It had a horse on the front. When you open it,

a cut-out of a great big pile of manure springs right out!

Very seasonal (!) That's got a lot to do with Our Lord's birthday (!) Oh, well...

if you're going to bring religion into Christmas...!

You'll be going to Midnight Mass tonight (?)Might do.

Huh! You ain't been in that church since 1940,

when you fell through the roof with half a ton of lead!

I was fire watching!You could have been shot for looting!

I'll never forget the disgrace. The Headmaster pointed me out ―

"There is the boy whose father has had to turn in his A.R.P helmet."

The rotten, sadistic swine, he was!

I didn't know. Why do you think they chalked the swastikas on the front gate ?!

I thought it was because we were the only ones that weren't bombed out.

Your daft little moustache didn't help!

I had it before him!Heil !

Look, there's one to both of us! You can have that one.

You put it with yours. There ― you've got two now.One and a half.

Well, when mine comes, you'll have two and a half!

Now, come on, let's sort out the seating arrangements!

There's 5 birds coming to dinner. Which one do you want to sit next to?I don't care.

All right. You're there ― Mr Albert Steptoe.

How about Miss Sheila Figge there and Miss Elsie Harmer there?

Yeeuch!What? I'd sooner have the horse!

They're both very nice girls! I won't get much grub sitting next to Elsie Harmer!

She's bigger than that A.T.S girl !

A 28 pound bird on the table and an 18 STONE bird next to me!

You won't have to bother carving! True. Do you remember the way

she ripped that side of beef to pieces on Guy Fawkes night ?!

With her bare hands! Frightened the life out of me.

With her bare hands! Frightened the life out of me.

She fancies you, you know. Oh, get off!

She DOES ! She likes little blokes 'cos they can't struggle so much!

You keep her away from me! She can go there. Who else is coming?

Joyce, Beryl and Hermione.Give me Joyce and Beryl.No! They're mine!

You don't want 2 ?! I'm going to enjoy this Christmas!

I like to keep one in reserve in case the other one flakes out!

Well, you can have Hermione...

and Sheila.I don't know them. They're okay. But keep your hands above the table.

Chris and Arthur fancy them. Well, scrub out Chris and Arthur! I can't! They're bringing them!

I can see me getting lumbered with Gargantua!

If I see her carrying you upstairs, I shall blow the whistle!

Now then, what else? O-oh! Did you cut up the fruit for the punch?

Yeah, it's in the punch-bowl. Go and get it and we'll make it tonight.

Ohh, this'll make their eyes water!

If I don't enjoy myself this year, it won't be through want of trying!

Here you are.

What's that?

I told you to buy a punch-bowl.Why waste money? This is big enough.

I am not making my fruit sangria in a po!Why not?

It's never been used. That's beside the point!

It's the PRINCIPLE of the thing!

It's going to look very choice ladling the stuff out of there (!)

Hermione won't reckon it. She's a Young Conservative.

So what ?! They don't normally serve their punch out of a china po.

They use silver or glass.

I don't think we have a glass po.

A glass punch-bowl ! Nah, haven't got one.

Turf the goldfish out and use his bowl. Where are we going to put him?

Bung him in there!You will NOT !

Cor blimey, he don't have much of a life as it is, but he likes to have a look out now and again!

Can't he look up?For 3 days ?! He'll get a stiff neck!

You know nothing about piscatorial anatomy!

Well, it's up to you...I suppose I COULD tell them it's an imported novelty from Harrods.

That's right! Now, bung the booze in!

All right, I'll take a chance.

That's not much!I ain't finished! A little gin...

Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh !

A soupcon...of grape brandy!

BELTS OUT "LA MARSEILLAISE"

Just a hint of vodka!

"COSSACK" TUNE

A threat of whisky!

"SCOTTISH" TUNE

Lemon squash.

Is it all right?

All right ?! Is it all ri-i-ight ?!

A bowlful of that in the reservoir... and we could paralyse South London!

Roll on tomorrow afternoon!

You get the birds stuffed and put one in the oven.

Before you say anything vulgar... I mean the dinner!

Do the goose first. It'll take the longest.

And don't leave your rubber glove in it, like you did last year!

And you!

#..The lit-tle Lord Je-sus

laid down his sweet head,

#Oh, the cattle are lowing,

#In the fields where they lay...#

To Dad...

with...love...

No!

To Dad...

wishing...you... a Merry Christmas...

and...many...of them...

No!

To Dad...

..from Harold.

#Jingle bells, jingle bells,

Jingle all the way,

#Santa Claus is coming

Upon this Christmas Day...!#

Oh, what a GLORIOUS smell !

Ah, Bisto!

Come on, Dad! It's Christmas!

#Jingle bells, jingle bells...#

Stop stinking in that pit! We've got work to do!

#Jingle bells, jingle bells...#

Might as well start as we mean to go on... They'll be here soon!

'Arold...

Good morning, Father, and a very merry Christmas to you!

I am sorry for all the rotten, vicious, nasty...things...

what I've said to you... What's your game?

What's all that on your face?

It's on me legs as well, and me arms, and me belly... What is it?

I think I've got chickenpox.

Chickenpox ?! You CAN'T have!

You can't have chickenpox!

It can't be chickenpox... Chickenpox!

C... C-a-a...

Cholera ?!

Catalepsy...!

Chickenpox! "The patient is... with vesicles all over his...

"and his body..." He's got spots underneath his neck?

You've got chickenpox!

..You can't have that at your age! I've never had it before. Why not, you silly great...?!

You can't have chickenpox. We're having a party.

I mean, everyone's HAD chickenpox! YOU haven't.

I must have done! When I was little...?

NOBODY gets chickenpox at our age!

We've got people coming!

You'll have to stay in the stable! If the horse catches it ― well, it's hard luck.

I-I won't mention it. I won't say a word. I'll say you've gone away.

You can't stay in here. You're contagious! Get out!

I-I'll put on me balaclava helmet and gloves and I'll cover me face with f-flour...

Yo-o-o-ou rotten, stinking, little GIT !

Look ― SPOTS !

You've given it to me now!

You've deliberately given me chickenpox!I didn't know, 'Arold!

I'll KILL you!

If you get better, I will kill you!

DOORBELL

Let's hide in the stable!I'm not spending Christmas in the stable!

Jesus did! HIS dad didn't have chickenpox!

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello?

↑

'Ere! There 'e is!

↑

Come on, 'Arold! Open up!

Eh, we've got a slight problem.

He's started playing games already! This is going to be good!

↑

Open up! I got something for ya!

RIBALD CHORUS

There's a slight technical hitch.

Have any of you had chickenpox?

Chicken-what?

We...we've got chickenpox.

We thought you had TURKEY !

I'm serious! We've got chickenpox ― me and my dad!

↑

All right, who's had chickenpox?

CHORUS OF "DON'T KNOWS"

If you've had it, you can come in.

I'm not going in!

You come out in spots!

↑

What are we going to do, then?

I can't hear you! I'll come out!

LOUD PROTESTS

It's all right, 'Arold...! Let's go round my mum's. SHE won't mind.

AGREEMENT...CHANGING TO HORROR

Subtitles by Diane Reid BBC Scotland 1988