Original subtitles

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

who's the best-dressed man of all?

Give me my answer and make me contented.

Make it quick, because this suit is rented.

Woody, come on in. My home is your home.

Thanks, Fred.

And what about me?

What did you say?

I said, what about me?

Esther, your home is where the buffalo roam.

I didn't ask to come over here, Fred Sanford.

You invited me to dinner.

That's right, I did. I'm sorry, Esther.

Listen, Esther,

why don't you start helping us out in the kitchen?

You can start by sticking your face in the freezer

and making us some Ugly-sicles.

Say, Fred,

why don't you stop the insults, man?

Now, you did invite her,

and the dinner was supposed to be

so we can all get acquainted

with Lamont's girlfriend.

Yeah, you're right, Woody.

No more insults.

I want Lamont's girl to think his family is the best.

Yeah, it would be easy for her

to get the wrong impression about us, you know?

She's definitely gonna get

the right impression about you.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Fred.

See, I'm just a little nervous, you know,

meeting Lamont's girl and all.

I hear she's really special.

Woody, you'd never be as nervous as Lamont,

because tonight after dinner,

he's gonna take her home and pop the big question.

Oh, really? That's wonderful.

I'm so happy for Lamont.

Yeah, me too, you know?

What joy. What happiness... What question?

Lamont's gonna ask Janet to marry him.

Oh, now, I'll drink to that.

You'd drink to an ingrown toenail.

Listen, I wanna show you my surprise for Lamont.

Surprise?

Yeah, you see...

after Lamont proposes to Janet,

and she says yes,

I'm gonna build an extra bedroom upstairs.

Look here. Yeah.

Fred, are you sure Lamont and Janet

want to live in this house after they get married?

Sure, they will.

We have to carry on the dynasty.

Dynasty?

Yeah, you know,

like the son and his family will carry on the empire.

Just like in China, you know, the Ming Dynasty.

Hmph,

and what you gonna call yours, the Ding-A-Ling Dynasty?

Why, you greasy neck-bone chewing...

Oh, hello, Son. Hi, Janet.

Hey, son.

Hi, everybody.

Uh, Aunt Esther, Uncle Woody,

I'd like for you to meet Janet Lawson.

Nice to see you, Janet.

Hi.

So you're Woody.

Lamont's told me you have such a great marriage.

Now, I'll drink to that.

Woodrow... now, sweetheart,

you wouldn't want Janet to think

that all you have on your mind is liquor,

now, would you... booze brain?

Listen, why don't we all go over to the table

and sit down, make ourselves comfortable.

That's a good idea, Pop.

Lamont, you sit right there next to Janet over there,

and Woody, you find Esther somewhere,

and I'll sit right here.

You made place cards. Oh, how nice, Mr. Sanford.

Classy, huh?

I had them made up special.

Yeah, hey.

Dr. Gummo Smith, credit dentist. Yeah.

Turn the card over.

Oh, oh.

Yeah, you know, Pop, this is really nice, man.

The flowers and the candles and everything.

You tried hard, and I want you to know

that Janet and I really appreciate it.

Thanks, son.

I spent the whole day getting everything ready,

getting the room and the table

so this would be the perfect dinner.

I wanted it to be right.

It's beautiful, Mr. Sanford,

and I'm looking forward to a delicious meal.

What are we having? Huh?

What's for dinner?

Uh, ah, uh... Oh, no.

Janet, we're having braised tips of beef

and mushroom surprise and menudo.

But see, I was so busy getting the house cleaned up

I-I forgot to cook.

Surprise!

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

No, it certainly wasn't,

considering this is the first time

Janet's been over here for a meal

catered by Melvin's Menudo Manor.

I never thought I'd like sole enchiladas.

Well, I have a church meeting at 9:00.

I have to go.

Bye, Fred, Lamont.

Aunt Esther. Janet.

Yes, goodbye.

Yeah, thanks for everything.

Yes, thank you.

And, um...

Come by the church sometime and meet Brother Spike.

I'd love to.

Yeah, and jump in the lake

and go take a hike.

You old heathen.

Oh, glory!

Lamont... Lamont, Mr. Sanford,

if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back.

Okay.

Well, son. Tonight's the big night, ain't it?

I'll bet you're really excited.

I'm excited, and I'm nervous, Pop.

See, we gonna go back to Janet's apartment,

and I'm gonna pop the big question,

and if she accepts, I'm gonna buy the ring tomorrow.

Do you know what you're gonna say?

Not exactly,

but I'm not gonna get down on one knee

because I don't like corny stuff.

Well, when you get back here tonight,

I got a big surprise for you.

A surprise? Yeah...

And I can hardly wait. Now, you listen.

Can I give you a bit of advice?

No. Good.

Now, when you ask her, be tough, be firm.

Let her know who's the boss right away.

Say, "Look, baby,

"you and I are getting engaged,

"and that's the way it is,

and gonna be that way all the time."

Is that what you told Mom?

No, that's what your mom told me.

Oh, Lamont, thank you.

I had such a nice time.

Me too, Janet.

Can I get you something?

No, thank you, Janet.

There's something that I want to say to you.

I want to say it fast, or I might not ever say it.

Okay, yeah.

Janet, would you... Hi, Lamont. Hi, Mom.

Hi.

Hi, Roger.

Mom, I'm going outside to shoot some baskets.

Be back in a while.

Okay.

So long, Lamont. So long, Roger.

Uh, let's... let's sit down.

Um, see, Janet, uh...

Well, what I wanted to say to you was that, see...

Now, I feel...

It's too cold outside for basketball.

I'm going to get a snack.

Good idea, Roger. Get a snack.

Why don't you make yourself a 24-decker sandwich?

Lamont, is something wrong?

You're acting very strangely.

Yeah, I know, Janet, and it's silly.

If you got something to say to somebody,

you should come right out and say it,

and I'm gonna say it.

I'm gonna kill Roger.

This rocky road is great. Mm.

So how's it going, Lamont?

It's going great, Roger.

Say, Roger, do you...

Do you believe in pay television?

I love it.

Okay, here's a dollar. Go watch the Lakers.

Okay, I'm going upstairs to watch it. See you later.

Okay, Roger.

I know the way your mind works.

Now, what's the matter?

Well, I said I wasn't gonna do this,

but a chance like this only comes once

in a man's lifetime, and...

I love you a lot, Janet.

Lamont...

Hi, Pop. Don't "Hi, Pop" me.

Did she say yes? Did she say no? What happened?

Well, you know that old saying,

"Rocky is the road to marriage"?

Sure.

Well, I got rocky road all over my pants.

She said yes.

She said yes.

Oh, will you look at him, Elizabeth.

So tall, so handsome, so intelligent.

It won't be long before we'll hear

the pitter-patter of tiny dummies

around the house.

Hey, Pop, now just go easy on that baby talk.

I mean, we're not even married yet, you know?

That never stopped nobody.

Listen...

Come over here. I wanna show you a surprise.

Hey, what are these blueprints for?

Our family castle.

See, these are the plans

where I'm building the extra room for you.

Uh, Pop...

See, and this here is the basketball court

for Roger.

Oh, but Pop... And then over here,

I figure that you could share my room,

and the new room will be for Roger and Janet.

I know, Pop, you see, I...

And I thought you'd say that,

and then, see, well,

Roger can sleep with me and you sleep with Janet.

It's no good, Pop.

Huh? Sure. It's no good.

See, Pop, Janet and I discussed it, man,

and once we're married,

we're gonna get a place of our own.

A place of your own?

Oh, I-I understand, son.

I was hoping you would, Pop.

Just make sure you get a place near the cemetery,

because if... if you move out, it would kill me.

My moving outta here is not gonna kill you.

But what if...

The big one comes, and I'm not around?

Oh, I feel one coming now.

Pop... It's the big one!

It's like a big hand clutching my heart.

That's your hand.

Son, I'm sorry I was trying to make you feel guilty

by having a phony heart attack.

Well, that's the first time you've ever admitted

that those heart attacks were phony.

Well, for once in my life,

this time I'm gonna play it straight with my own son.

No trickery, no games, no lies.

Just plain facts.

Good.

Lamont? Yes?

Yesterday, I went to the doctor,

and he said I have this mysterious, incurable disease

called "Son-move-outis-ectomy".

See, first, your nose fall off,

then your toes fall off, and then...

Hey, Lamont. Dig, man.

Look here, let me do all the rapping, man.

I know all about jewelry,

and I can get you a real good deal.

Okay, bro, you got it. Yeah.

Now, watch how I handle this dude here, man.

It'll be like taking candy from a baby.

All right, then. Eh, mister!

Yes?

May I help you?

Yeah, you work here?

No, I just asked if I could help you

because I just made corporal in the Salvation Army.

Hey, look, I'm gonna give it to you straight.

We'd like to see the cheapest thing

you have in a ring.

Yeah, how about two tickets to the bullfights?

Hey, man, are you trying to get smart?

Oh, no, then you and I would have nothing in common.

Hey, Lamont.

Come on, man. Let's split.

We ain't gotta stay here and take all his hurrah

and his stuff.

You are so right.

You can just go down the street to the fruitstand

and put a kumquat on your finger.

Wait a minute. Excuse me for a minute.

Come here, Rollo.

Now, look, man, it's 4:00 already,

and I wanna give the ring to Janet tonight.

Now, there's no more jewelry stores open

at this hour.

Let me handle it.

Yeah, okay, man. Good luck.

All right.

Uh, sir. Sir?

Well, I like that.

You call me sir, and I call you sir.

That's mutual respect.

It shows a regard for the other person's feelings.

Uh, I'd like to see a-an engagement ring

for under $200.

Under two hu...

You've got to be kidding!

No.

Well, I may have something.

Oh, this ring is $75.

It shines in the dark, decodes secret messages,

and is already engraved

if you want to give it to Marsha and your name is Skippy.

I think I'd like to see this ring right here.

Oh, excellent!

You know, I tend to judge a man

by his discriminating taste in jewelry.

Oh, thank you very much.

How long has your girlfriend been a Gypsy?

I'll bet... Hey, wait a minute.

Remember what you told me, jack. Look here, man.

You gotta be crazy to buy anything from this dude, man.

This dude is the rudest, crudest dude I ever met.

You know, you're absolutely right, sir.

I'm sorry.

Please accept my deepest apology.

Would you mind turning the other way for a moment?

For what?

Well, the store is having a little free giveaway,

and I want to surprise you.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Good, the security camera just took your picture

for nothing.

Good!

How would you like me to take your teeth

for the same price?

Hi, Pop. Hello.

Oh, you're speaking to me now, huh?

Of course.

I'm speaking to you the way I'd speak

to any of my tenants.

Tenants?

That's right.

You treat the place like a motel.

Move in. Stay 35 years. Move out.

Pop... Just remember, Mr. Sanford,

no pets and no cooking cabbage in the room.

Would you cut it out? I got the ring. Wanna see it?

What for? I've seen rings before.

It's not an expensive ring,

but I went through a lot to get it.

Look. Yeah.

One thing you went through was my heart.

Now, don't start that again.

Pop, you've gotta face it, man.

Things change, man. Nothing stays the same.

And I was changing your diapers since you was 8 years old,

and now you're running out on me.

Okay, just forget about it.

I've got a couple of deliveries to make,

and then I'm gonna go over to Janet's

and give her the ring.

Already? So soon?

I'll see you later, Pop.

Oh, no. He's really gonna do it.

Then I'll be all alone.

I'll have to sell the house and move out.

I can see it now...

Old man living here in California

with nothing to do

but sit on the back porch and drink orange juice

with Bing Crosby and his families.

I-I can't let him do that to me.

I just can't.

Who is it?

Janet.

Just a minute, Janet.

Come in, dear.

Listen, I don't care how much Lamont owes you.

Don't be bothering me about it.

Good day.

Hello, Mr. Sanford.

Oh, hi, Janet. Come and sit down, darling.

Can I get you something? No, thank you.

Lamont should be here any time now.

We're gonna go out and have dinner.

Oh, by the way,

I couldn't help overhearing that phone conversation.

Is Lamont okay?

Oh, nothing to worry

your pretty little head about.

Fine, good.

It's just that Lamont owes a huge pile of money

at the liquor store, and if he don't pay it,

they're gonna kill him. What?

But don't worry about it.

Last month he owed them money too,

and somehow he paid them.

By the way, that was the same month

all the children in the neighborhood got mugged

and had to go to school without their milk money.

What are you talking about?

I thought you knew.

Knew what?

That Lamont was a heavy drinker.

A what?

And a heavy gambler.

A drinker and a gambler.

Sometimes he bets on how much he can drink.

Mr. Sanford, I think you're...

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that...

That he didn't tell you.

Lamont's so ashamed about it.

He don't want anybody to know.

That's why he belongs to A.A... Anonymous Anonymous.

I don't really believe...

But look, don't worry, Janet.

He'll make you a good husband.

Just always hide your purse at night,

and if you smoke, hide your lighter fluid,

because he'll drink that too...

And see, I even have to lock up my own liquor

here at home.

Can I tell you something?

I know just what you're gonna say, honey.

I know exactly what you're gonna say.

Well, look, if you change your mind

about marrying Lamont

because you found out about him

drinking and gambling like that...

Drinking and gambling?

It's okay, Lamont. I understand.

Excuse me a minute.

Hey, wait a minute. It's gone.

The ring is gone. Where's the ring?

Well, don't ask me.

You probably sold it

and then spent the money at the Kentucky Derby

on some Kentucky bourbon.

What are you talking about?

He probably doesn't remember.

Lamont has those blackout spells where he forgets everything.

Pop.

Last year, he disappeared, and we found him in Denver

with a hootchie coochie dancer from Durango.

Mr. Sanford,

would you come over here and sit down, please?

We'd like to talk to you.

Over there? Mm-hmm.

What'd you do that for?

Because I love you. Huh?

And I love you because you love your son so much.

Listen, I... I don't know...

We knew what you were trying to do, Pop.

I know Lamont is not a heavy drinker

or a gambler.

Yeah, but I forgot to tell you he's a burglar and an arsonist,

and in the morning, he needs a gallon of mouthwash

before he can say hello.

Mr. Sanford, you love Lamont so much

that you're terribly afraid of his moving out.

Now, that's why you're making up

these stories, isn't it?

Well... When Lamont and I get married,

you're not going to lose his love.

That's right, Pop.

In fact, you're going to be getting a family

that loves you very much:

me, Roger, and maybe even our child.

Already?

You sly dog.

No, Pop, that's not what she means.

Now, look, this isn't the end.

It's the beginning, man,

of a whole new way of life for all of us.

We love you very much, Pop,

and with all that love, you'll never be alone.

Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

That was a beautiful thing you did, honey.

I just hope Pop can understand it.

I think he understands.

I think he understands a lot more

than we give him credit for.

Yeah, you know,

now that you're gonna be a member of this family,

there's family secrets that I think you should know.

I'm gonna show you one of them now.

Come here.

Now, this is our family vault,

and I'm gonna show you this one time,

and you gotta get it right or it won't work.

You ready?

You think you got that?

I think so.

Hey, son, here.

Okay.

Now, I know this isn't an expensive ring, Janet,

but see...

Hey, wait a minute. This isn't the ring I bought.

What are you trying to pull, Pop?

Lamont, I don't understand.

Well, I do. He took...

This ring is beautiful.

It is?

Oh, it's not only beautiful, it's unique.

Unique?

They haven't made a ring in this particular style

in at least 40 years.

Hey, Pop, that's Mom's ring, isn't it?

I guess it is.

You're the greatest, Pop. I love you.

Oh, thank you.

No, I don't want this stuff on me. I don't want that stuff.

Look, it fits perfectly.

Come on, let's show it to Roger

so he'll feel part of this beautiful evening.

Yeah, and y'all hurry back here

and I'll take the two of you out to dinner.

You're gonna take us to dinner?

Uh-huh. Thank you, Pop. I love you.

Bye, Dad.

Bye... bye, now. Bye, daughter.

Elizabeth, honey, are you busy?

Well, I'd like to talk with you for a minute.

See, I know you didn't mind me

giving your ring to Lamont, did you?

Because we always wanted the best for our son,

and Janet... well, she's the best, honey.

Of course, it'll never look as good on her finger

as it did on yours...

And another thing about the ring

I know you... I know it's gonna make you real happy.

I paid it off this week.

That was a marvelous dinner.

Yeah, and wow,

when that truck pulled up in front of Chasen's...

Well, I never thought I'd ever eat there.

I loved the tip your father gave the parking attendant.

Yeah, he told him to pull the choke

or the truck wouldn't start.

Where is your father, anyway?

Well, I think he's upstairs sleeping.

He's had a big day.

Mm.

You know, it's really nice,

just the two of us here, alone.

Yeah.

I'm glad Pop finally realized

that we have to lead our own lives

and make our own decisions.

Hey, Lamont, Janet.

I've been working on these upstairs.

Take a look.

Well, what is that, Pop?

It's my plans for the wedding.

See, we'll rent out the Legion Hall

and put the tables here and the violin players there.

And here's the guest list over here,

and then, Janet, you'll get your gown

at Leon's Discount and Wedding Wear

and War Surplus, and uh...

Let's see.

Pull out the choke or else it won't start.

And then... and then I'll get some more place cards

from Dr. Gummo,

and Esther will sit with the musicians

and stick her head out the tuba...

There'll never be a greater wedding...

Yes?

You work here?

No, I'm the heavyweight champion coming out for round two.

Listen, I got something I'd like to return.

I can see that,

but Mother Nature doesn't work here anymore.

Uh, was that an insult?

Was Attila the Hun naughty?

Look, my son bought this ring here yesterday,

and I'd like to return it

so I can give him the money back

for a wedding present.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, that's a no-no.

But on the other hand,

if you don't give me my money,

I'm gonna take that tie, wrap it around your neck,

and wrap the other end around my truck,

and stamp "Just Married" on your butt

and drive you to Niagara Falls.

Would you like it in cash, check or money order?

You changed your mind.

Yes, nobody ever explained it to me that way before.