Original subtitles

Can't even enjoy a simple... cup of coffee.

Somebody...

Hello, Elroy. What can I do for you?

Fred, I need a date.

I don't play that.

Fred, this is serious.

I need to find a lady

for our Moving and Storage Mens' Party next Saturday.

Don't you know any moving ladies?

All the ladies I know can't move at all.

As a matter of fact,

they should be kept in cold storage.

Well, let me look here in my classified directory

of the Sanford Stables.

Sanford Stables...

Guaranteed to horse around too.

Yeah?

Yeah, here's one good one... Theresa Logan.

I took her out once. You did?

I mean, she was... You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Built like a brick shipyard.

Hello. Hello, Theresa, honey.

Fred Sanford here.

Yes.

Say, a friend of mine needs a date for Saturday night.

What's he look like?

Well, he's a lot like me.

Theresa... Theresa?

Hello?

Theresa!

I was disconnected.

I think you were scratched.

See that?

Yeah? It was a disconnect. I know what I'm...

Hello, Theresa.

Uh, who?

Who is this?

Janet?

You're calling about your date with Lamont

Saturday night?

Say, listen, Janet.

Would you be interested in a double date?

Yeah. Like to get a friend of yours

for a friend of Lamont's?

Uh-huh.

Well, see, his name is Elroy,

and he looks a lot like Lamont,

except around the face.

Yeah, I'll put him on, Janet.

Here you go, Elroy...

Janet? Give me the phone.

Hello, Janet?

Oh, 9:00 instead of 8:00. Okay.

Yeah, I'm sorry that happened.

Just forget about it.

What's the matter with you, Pop?

He was doing it for me, Lamont.

You see, I need a date for next Saturday.

Why don't you call one of those escort services?

Escort service?

Yeah, they got escort services for people like yourself

who need a date, but don't know anybody.

They'll give you a date for the entire evening.

See, Elroy? Lamont knows everything.

I'm proud of you, dummy.

Say, listen,

how much do they charge for getting someone a date?

Two or three dollars?

No, I think it's more like 15 or 20.

Twenty bucks?

Say, look, Elroy, for 20 bucks,

I'll put on a formal gown and a tiara,

and you can take me to the party

and bring me back home,

and I'll smack your face for trying to get fresh.

This is it right here.

See, Gramercy Escort Service.

Fred, I don't think

we should go through with this.

What do you mean?

You're not only gonna have a date Saturday night,

but you're gonna get paid for it,

and so will I.

Is this Mr. Carmen?

Oh, this is Mrs. Willis of the Gramercy Escort Service.

Well, you're to meet Ms. Nolan at the party at 8:00.

Yes, and it's black tie.

I'm in trouble, Fred.

I don't have a black tie.

Well, you got black paint.

Yeah.

Well, I'll make you a black tie.

But Lamont said

these escort places only hire

a certain kind of men.

I'm that kind of man.

Oh, yeah?

Suave and debonair.

What is he doing?

That was my friend banging his suave into his debonair.

Can I get you something?

Yes, indeed.

Sanford's the name. Escorting is my game.

You want to be a Gramercy Escort?

Does President Ford need a personality?

You really want to be an escort?

Lady, we'll escort anything without a moustache.

Now, when do we report?

Well, actually,

I don't think that you're what I'm looking for.

I don't think you're what anyone's looking for.

Well, I'll have you know we'd be perfect escorts.

Oh? Do you dance? Yes.

Can you waltz? Certainly.

Good.

Then why don't the two of you

waltz on out of here.

Listen, why can't we be escorts?

Oh, I'm sorry. I should explain.

You can't be escorts

because you simply don't have the experience.

We've got experience.

My name is Fred G. Sanford.

You know what the G is for?

What? Gigolo.

And my friend here, Elroy,

his nickname is Big Hand, Little Hand.

Big Hand, Little Hand?

Yeah. Service around the clock.

Marvelous,

and I think I'm running out of time

for both of you.

Oh, don't worry about that.

If you ever need more time, look at a clock. It'll stop.

Mr. Sanford, I don't find you the least bit amusing,

and I'm afraid neither of you fulfill our requirements.

Good day.

Wait a minute.

What requirements?

Well, here, see for yourself.

Mm-hmm.

Aha!

They're well read.

Oh, well, I read all the time.

Are you familiar with Ladies Home Junk?

And House and Garbage?

The majority of our escorts are professional men.

Now, there.

You're not a professional man, are you, Mr. Sanford?

That's Dr. Sanford.

My bag's in the truck, isn't it?

Yeah.

If you're a doctor, then I'm an airline pilot.

I can believe that.

I can believe that by the excess baggage

in your tail section.

I think you had better leave.

Let's go, Fred.

No, no.

Not until she gets us a paying date.

Are you kidding?

My clients wouldn't be seen in public with you.

That doesn't matter to me.

I'll take them to the junkyard and dance with 'em.

Mr. Sanford...

if I hired you as an escort, I'd become the laughing stock.

Okay.

Well, I'll return to my junkyard,

and you return to your stockyard.

Hey, how'd it go at the escort service, Pop?

The lady wasn't interested.

I'm through.

The man I was... isn't.

See, the women that want Don Juan...

Don Juant me!

Pop, I don't know what that woman said to you, but...

She said I looked ridiculous in this suit.

Now, your mother loved this suit.

I bought it from her brother.

Pop, Mom loved everything about you.

Yeah. Your mother had taste.

And if Mom were alive today,

she'd still feel the same way about you, Pop.

I mean, the things that turned Mom on to you

you didn't lose.

You really mean that, Lamont?

Sure I do.

You hear that, Elizabeth?

If I'm good enough for you, honey,

I'm good enough for anybody,

and I'm gonna prove it.

Prove what?

That I've still got what it takes

to take what they got.

You see, son, you are looking at the president

of Los Angeles' newest escort service.

Look, Pop, just hold on a second.

Now, you don't have to prove anything to anybody.

Why don't you just forget about it?

Forget it? I'll forget about it...

just as soon as I put them Gramercy Escort Service

out of business.

We'll show them, Lamont.

What do you mean, we?

We...

Hutch, Elroy, and yours truly, and you can be in on it too.

See, you can head up our swinging singles division.

Just leave me out of this.

Think it over, son.

Think. Fred and Lamont Sanford,

President and Vice President of our own escort service.

Title... "Sexy and Son."

Hello.

Fred's Escort Service and/or Junkyard.

Oh, you saw my ad in the Los Angeles Sentinel.

Yes, indeed.

Uh-huh. We've got escorts.

You can come take your pick.

Give them a chance, and they'll flick your Bic.

All right. Saturday night?

Saturday night for the opera.

Pagliacci?

Why not-chee?

You'll call back?

I'll be here.

Phone hasn't stopped ringing, son.

Hutch is here.

Elroy's with him.

Hi, Fred. Hi, Lamont.

Did you get any calls, Fred?

Plenty of them,

and there's a lady coming here today,

and if she likes what she sees, we're in business.

It's this ad that did it.

Well, what's the ad say?

It's not what it says, Lamont.

It's the picture. See?

Hey, Pop, you shouldn't have done this, man.

This is false and misleading advertising.

I prefer to think of it as insurance.

Insurance? Yeah.

You see, the ladies will take one look at your picture,

and they'll say, "I want a piece of that rock."

Okay, and what's gonna happen when they finally see you?

I just wanted them to start calling, that's all.

Once they meet me, my own natural charm

and animal magnetism will take over.

Well, what about Elroy and me?

Do we have animal magnetism too?

Certainly,

but if the wind is right, nobody will notice.

I'll see you later.

If you'll excuse us, I have to instruct my escorts

on the art of being a top escorter.

Such as?

Such as table manners.

Now, suppose a client and yourself

are in a restaurant.

What's the first thing you do when you come to the table?

Grab the tip!

Before that.

Oh, you pull out the chair for your lady.

That's right.

Then suppose she asks you for some change.

Change for what?

To tip the attendant

when she goes to powder her nose.

How much are you supposed to give her?

How big is her nose?

That must be the lady that called

earlier this afternoon.

Oh, good evening.

Um, I must have the wrong address.

I was looking for the escort service.

This is it.

But this is a junk shop.

Antiques, my dear, antiques.

Do come in.

Now, you told me on the phone

that you were from out of town.

Yes. I'm here for the Coiffeur Convention.

Coiffeur... I work with hair.

Mm-hmm. That's perfect.

All of our escorts like to be teased.

Yes.

Look, perhaps I won't be needing an escort service

after all.

No, wait a minute, wait. At least just look us over.

Hey, Pop, I was on the truck...

That's him!

That's the man in the ad!

Oh, he's not available.

But that's the one I expected to meet.

Good. You just met him.

Now forget him, because he has split ends.

But he's young and handsome.

Are you busy tomorrow night?

I'm sorry, but I'm not part of their organization.

Take me, honey. I give blue chip stamps.

If you change your mind, call me.

Marlene Williams.

I'm at the Beverly Central Hotel.

Hey, Pop, I told you, you shouldn't have...

Don't talk to me.

I just made a fool out of myself because of you.

Because of me?

Yeah. You're the one told me I still had it.

Well, Pop, this young lady obviously wasn't interested

in a... in a mature man such as yourself,

but there are a lot of women that are.

He's right, Fred.

I know a lot of elderly widows would be glad to go out with us.

Yeah, Fred, and those widows are rich,

and they tip big.

They do?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, look, Hutch,

why don't you call us up a bunch,

and we'll take them out. Right.

Wait a minute. Look at this good feeling.

The Three Musketeers.

The Three Musketeers may be up in years,

but one thing we got...

we're still hot to trot.

Get the phone.

♪ Folks, here's the story About Minnie the Moocher ♪

♪ She was a red hot Hoochie Koocher ♪

♪ She was the roughest And the toughest frail ♪

♪ Minnie had a heart As big as a whale ♪

♪ Hidee hidee hidee ho! ♪

♪ Hidee hidee hidee hee ♪

♪ Hi... ♪♪

Look, son.

Do I look like something

that stepped out of Esquire?

No, you look more like something

that was kicked out of El Segundo.

Thank you, son.

Yeah, but you don't look anything like

the picture in this ad.

Well, what are you talking about?

You told me...

What are you talking about?

You told me to use my own face, and I did.

Yeah, but that's the only thing that's your own.

Whose body is this?

Mine.

When was the last time you saw me undressed?

Yesterday.

Well, this morning I did 20 pushups.

See, I shape up fast.

Pop, you're only going to be disappointed again.

Not this time. Not this time.

We're in full swing.

We've got three dates confirmed for tonight.

Fred...

Hutch just told me the good news, kid.

Yeah. We in business.

Yeah.

Look, you can do what you wanna do, Pop,

but just don't say I didn't warn you, okay?

Now, we're meeting the ladies at the Continental Restaurant

at 7:00.

Right. Right.

I'm looking forward to it.

How much money are we gonna make, Fred?

Well, now, the way I see it,

it'd be $15 for tonight,

and if we... if they liked us, $15 tomorrow night.

Hey, that's $30 each.

How you figure that?

Fifteen and fifteen comes to 30.

Yeah, but when 15 and 15 comes to 30,

ten and ten comes to Freddie.

How come you get so much?

Because the whole idea was mine,

and I got expenses.

Well, I got expenses too.

New shoes, new shirt, new can of Right Guard.

Okay. How much are you willing to give me?

Nothing. I want the whole $15.

Me too, Fred.

Well, I'll tell you what. I'll give you five.

No way, Fred. All or nothing. 15!

Five! Fifteen!

Six. Fifteen!

Seven. Fifteen! Fifteen!

Eight, and that's my last offer...

Come on, Elroy. Let's go. Yeah.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute, now. What about the ladies?

They're counting on all three of us to be there.

Well, let them count all they want to.

Until you count to 15, count us out!

Come on.

How do you do?

My dear, my name is Fred G. Sanford.

Don't get up.

Oh, my, Mr. Sanford.

Your face is just like it looked in the ad,

but your body failed to develop.

No, see, I'm wearing a bulletproof suit.

See, what may appear to be fat is all lead.

Now, you order some appetizers, I'll go to the washroom,

and I'll rush back as soon as I get the lead out.

How about that 15 in front?

Oh, yes.

Yes... Thank you so much.

Let me kiss your hand.

Oh, my goodness!

Your goodness hasn't reached your hand yet.

Phew!

Allo, allo, allo.

Mon amie.

You must be Maxine.

Yes, I'm Maxine.

You must be Frenchy.

Oui, that's me.

Frenchy Sanford at your service.

Hey, Frenchy, were you really born in France?

I am French born, and I am French bred.

With my French bread, I make ze French toast.

Toujours.

May you live long to pay me my 15 bucks.

Thank you.

Please order your appetizer,

and I shall return

as soon as I come from ze room of ze wash.

Okay, Frenchy.

Buenos dias, Buenos noches.

Buenos knows where the wild goose goes.

Oh, are you Señor Pitts?

Sí. Do you have any pesos while we're on that subject?

Like $15 worth,

and then we'll get down to the Spanish love, Señorita.

Here you are.

Now, if you want to dazzle me

with Spanish words of love,

I'm ready to be dazzled.

Ooh, well, then perhaps

you would like to hear the sound of the ocean.

Ooh, I'd love that very much.

Oh, great.

I'm going to the washroom,

and I'll leave ze door open for you.

Pop?

Son, I feel like I'm going to... What?

Pop.

What happened?

Oh, I just ate three lamb chops, four enchiladas,

duck under oranges,

and a big bowl of menudo.

Really?

Yeah. Son, I never washed so many times in my life.

I entertained three women in three accents,

ate three meals, made $45,

and I'm too sick to spend the money.

You go about things all wrong, man.

Would you put on a pot of coffee, please?

At this hour?

Sure. I found out

that it's cheaper eating in restaurants

and then have coffee at home.

Uh, ladies!

All right.

Ladies?

Here he is.

♪ Got a date with an angel ♪

♪ Gotta meet her at 7:00 ♪

♪ Got a date with an angel ♪

♪ And I'm on my way to heaven ♪♪

Hey, Pop, how come the new suit?

You like it?

I bought it with the 45 bucks I made

from the escort service.

Why do you need a new suit?

Well, this morning I got a call

from the Gramercy Escort Service.

I guess they recognize talent when they see it,

because they got a date for me, and I'm gonna get paid for it.

Well, I'm happy about that,

but what's your plans?

Well, son, you know, with women...

See, women are flexible.

It's necessary to be flexible with them.

See, I plan to play it by ear,

and if I play it by ear long enough,

I might work my way round to the lips.

Well, Mrs. Willis, here I am,

ready, willing, and able.

Well, two out of three isn't bad.

All right, Mrs. Willis, we better get on with it.

Tell me about my date, because, you see,

I'm very particular about who I'm seen with.

I'm sure the two of you will get along beautifully.

Now, here's your escort fee.

Uh-huh.

And here are your driving instructions

to the house in Beverly Hills.

Beverly Hills?

That's right.

Just ring the bell and ask for Lola Falana.

Lola Falana?

Lola Falana!

What happened?

Son, you won't believe this.

For the first time in my life, I had a date I couldn't handle.

I been mauled, and hugged,

and nibbled at the ear.

By your date?

No.

I had to go over to Lola Falana's house.

Lola Falana!

Uh-huh.

You had a date with Lola Falana?

No, I escorted her dog to the park.

Here.