Original subtitles

Lamont's girlfriend's coming.

I've got to pretty this place up.

Ah...

Well, how do I look, Pop?

Hey, you look great, son, and you must feel cool.

Why?

Your fly is open.

Well, how's your whiplash, Pop?

Oh, it's a little better.

Yeah, well, maybe tonight

when you go to the drive-in movie,

you'll watch the movie like you're supposed to

instead of looking in other people's cars.

Okay, son.

But the place looks nice, man.

Thanks for cleaning it up.

Right, and in honor of meeting your new girlfriend,

I didn't sweep the trash up under the rug,

like I usually do.

Good.

Just don't open the closet door.

Uh, sit down, son.

You've got a few minutes, ain't you?

Yeah. Sit down.

Now, I think it's time for us

to have a little talk.

I think you're old enough.

I think I'm old enough too.

There are men and there are women.

Pop... Hold it.

And there are birds and there are bees.

Is this gonna be one of those conversations

about the facts of life?

Yes.

Where you tell me about the birds and bees?

No. I want you to tell me about the birds and bees

because I ain't been stung in years.

Okay, Pop, what's on your mind?

Well, this girl is on my mind.

Now, tell me about her.

Well, there isn't that much to tell.

What do you mean, not much to tell?

Look, son, you've got a girlfriend

and you've been going with her every single day this month,

and you tell me you ain't got nothing to say about her?

You're serious about her, ain't you?

Yeah, I'm very serious.

Well... but you haven't told me a thing about her.

I know, Pop, but, see, I...

Listen, son. Now, let's get one thing clear.

I don't want to interfere.

The last thing I want to do is be a nosy, prying parent.

Great.

Wait a minute.

All I want to know is her name, address,

and place of birth,

and everything she's done in the past 10 years.

Okay, well, I know

this is gonna sound a little strange to you, Pop,

but I don't know any more about Janet than you do.

You're kidding.

No, she doesn't talk about herself much,

and I don't feel it's my place to ask.

Well, I don't think it's your place to ask either,

so I'll ask.

I'm gonna tell you one time and one time only, Pop.

Janet means a lot to me,

and if you interfere in our relationship,

I'll never forgive you.

Okay, now, that's Janet now.

Remember what I said, Pop.

Just say hello, goodbye, and leave it at that, okay?

Ahem.

"Hello, goodbye, and leave it at that."

Hi, Janet.

Hello, Lamont.

Uh, Pop... I want you to meet Janet Lawson.

Janet, this is my father, Fred Sanford.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Sanford.

Yeah, I'll just say hello and leave it at that.

Well, we better be going, Janet,

if we want to get to Memory Lane.

Okay. Here. You drive.

Nice meeting you, Mr. Sanford.

Goodbye.

I'll just say goodbye and leave it at that.

Remember what I said, Pop.

Stay out of this, okay?

Stay out of it. Stay out of it...

Can I answer the phone?

Hello?

No, I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong...

Janet who? Oh, Janet!

Uh, sorry, buddy, she just left. Right.

Bye.

Uh-oh.

Hi, Fred.

I'll just say hello, Bubba, and leave it at that.

Bubba, I'm really worried.

Me too.

We better leave here now

if we want to get to the drive-in movie

in time to park in the first row.

Bubba, forget that.

Forget it?

Fred, the last time, we had to park in the back,

and watching the other couples necking

not only got you that whiplash, you fogged up the windshield,

and we only seen half of the picture.

Bubba, I'm worried about Lamont.

Yeah? Why?

Because, see, he's been dating this same girl

for a month, and... and...

And I think he's in love with her.

Hey, that's great, Fred.

But why are you worried?

See, the problem is that Lamont

doesn't know anything about this girl

because she won't tell him.

Oh, I see.

And as a concerned father,

you're worried that Lamont may be taken in

by this silent and mysterious woman, right?

Exactly.

You do understand, Bubba, don't you?

Sure. I know, man.

Look, I saw the same problem on the late movie last night.

You see, George Peppard was in love with Audrey Hepburn,

and the concerned father was played

by that great athlete, uh, uh... Charles Lawton,

who played hunchback for Notre Dame.

Uh, Bubba... when you talk,

don't use your mouth.

Well, anyway, Fred,

Audrey Hepburn said to Charles Lawton,

"Daddy, oh, Daddy," I love him.

Please don't interfere in my life."

But the father suspected that something was suspicious

about her boyfriend

until a stranger called on the phone.

"Hello, I'm a stranger.

Is Audrey Hepburn there?"

Bubba, that just happened right here a minute ago.

No kidding.

A stranger called here for Audrey Hepburn?

No, Bubba, some guy called for Lamont's girlfriend.

Now, what am I gonna do?

Well, look, Fred...

I'm really worried for my son,

but I promised him I'd stay out of this.

Well, look, why don't you do

what the father did in the movie?

He promised not to interfere, so he hired a private detective

to find out about his daughter's boyfriend.

He hired a private detective?

Yeah.

And then what happened?

I don't know.

You don't know?

No. You see, that's when I had to go into the kitchen

and wash the butter off my face.

Well, what were you doing with butter on your face?

I dozed off and my head fell in the popcorn bowl.

Yeah, that'll do it.

Bubba, I just can't mess in Lamont's personal life.

If I do, he'll never speak to me again.

Whatever you say, Fred.

But remember, it's a hard, cruel world out there,

and Lamont is just a small, innocent fish

in a sea of sharks.

I'll get it.

Okay.

All right, all right. I'm coming.

Is this the Sanford residence?

Uh, yeah, right.

Is Janet Lawson here?

Well, no. She went out with my son.

Okay, do me a favor, buddy.

You tell your son I'm looking for him.

You got that?

Huh?

You tell your son I'm looking for him.

Uh, okay... So long.

Oh, no!

Hey, Bubba... What?

Lamont might be just a little fish

in a sea of sharks, but that was Jaws!

Yoo-hoo!

Come in.

Oh!

Good morning, Mr. Sanford.

Good morning, good morning, good morning.

Have a little sit down there, Mrs. Hopkins.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

I can't stay long, but I'm just so pleased

that you asked me over for a little chitchat.

Help yourself to some tea.

Oh, yes. Yes, thank you. Lovely.

Yeah, you can keep the bag, if you want to.

You're too kind.

Listen, how are things with your son, Hoppy?

Oh, he is just wonderful, wonderful.

He's such a... He's such a fine police officer.

Such a fine...

but he did, however, have one minor setback last week.

Setback?

He was at the policeman's picnic

and Chief Davis came up to him

and asked him if he was enjoying himself

and Howard said, "Oh, I'm having a gay old time!"

And he has to dress at home now.

You see, they won't... allow him to...

How are things on your job?

You're a... A store detective. Yes.

Really? A detective?

Yes.

Oh, what a coincidence!

Coincidence? What... Yes, you see,

I have a friend who has a little problem

that maybe you could help me with,

being that you're a detective,

by coincidence.

Yes, well, uh, what is the nature of the problem?

Well, um... The nature, yes.

Well, my friend has this girl that he's been...

having nature with,

but the girl won't tell him anything about herself.

Hmm, sounds as though she might have

some skeletons in her closet.

Yes.

And I don't want my friend to become one of them.

Well, Mr. Sanford, I think this girl's background

should definitely be investigated.

Oh, how true.

Uh, how, may I ask?

Yes, well, uh...

my technique would be to enter her home

posing as a... a... a...

Uh, uh, a poll taker, let's say, ask a few questions and then,

then, Mr. Sanford, observe.

Observe what?

Well, uh, the... the... the... The way she wears her hat.

The way she sips her tea.

The memory of... ♪ All that... ♪

♪ No, no, they can't ♪

♪ Take that away from me... ♪

I wish they could.

Well, I guess I'd better be off. Yes.

Yes.

You are a little off.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Sanford,

if your friend decides to investigate,

he must have, of course, a sidekick.

A sidekick?

Oh, yes, indeed!

All the great crime fighters had sidekicks.

I mean, Sherlock Holmes has his Watson,

Starsky has his Hutch.

Even Ellery had his Queen.

Not funny, Mr. Sanford.

I'll bet you this... When you were a detective,

you had a sidekick too, didn't you?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.

I know.

I can see he kicked you in the side of your face.

Well, I never!

And you probably never will.

Hey, Pop.

Hello, Lamont.

How's my favorite nephew?

Oh, just fine.

Uh, hey, where's my father?

A beautiful son. A beautiful day.

A beautiful sister-in-law.

Oh, Fred...

Esther and I were just having a little chat

in the kitchen there, son.

Getting to know each other better.

Are you feeling okay, Pop?

Oh, your pop's fine.

He's just mending his ways.

Well, it's about time.

Well, I gotta go.

Hey, listen, son,

you going to visit that girl again tonight?

Well, I might go out with Janet later, you know,

but right now I've got to make some deliveries.

I'll see you later. Okay, son, I'll see you.

I'll be here with my lovely...

Go ahead on, Fred. Go ahead on and say it.

Back off, Esther. Back off.

Back off.

You're curdling the cream in my coffee.

But, Fred...

Esther, don't misunderstand, please.

See, I had to make sweet talk to you

so Lamont wouldn't know that you were my sidekick.

Well, I'm still not so sure

that we should interfere in Lamont's personal affairs.

Esther, I told you.

It's for his own good. We have to protect him.

But if you want my help,

you're gonna have to be nice to me.

Okay, I apologize.

I need you in this caper, Esther.

You're gonna be my right hand

and my left hand.

All right, Fred.

Now, there's just one thing I have to do

before we start.

What?

Find me some gloves.

I'm coming.

Good evening.

Are you Janet Lawson?

Yes.

Well, we're here from the census takers' office.

Census takers?

Yes, and we'd like to ask you a few questions,

if you don't mind.

Oh, I don't mind.

Well, my name is Amber Estherson and this is my assistant...

Uh, my assistant... Uh, I'm the Falcon.

Peter Falcon.

His nickname is Ol' Dumbo.

That's "Columbo."

Excuse me.

Why don't we all sit down?

Yes.

Uh, see, now,

we have a few important questions to ask...

My, you have a lovely place.

I admire your taste.

Oh, thank you.

I got most of it at Beckman's, on sale.

Now, these questions... Beckman's!

Oh, I shop there all the time.

Now, these questions...

I just love their special sales.

Question number one is...

I'm always picking up a bargain.

How would you like to be picking your teeth up

off the ground?

As I was saying, madam,

I think you'll find these questions

very impersonal and easy to answer

with a simple yes or no.

Fine. Go ahead.

Well, have you ever been arrested?

And, if so, when, where,

and how much time did you spend in the big house,

including escape attempts?

Yes or no?

What kind of a question is that?

Well, I would give it an A-minus.

Is this a census poll?

Oh, you'll have to look over my assistant.

He gets carried away sometimes.

I'll ask the questions from now on.

Now, are you married, dear?

No. I'm divorced.

Aha!

Now we're getting somewhere.

I have met someone awfully nice, though.

Oh, really? Who, may I ask?

His name is Lamont.

And he's warm and intelligent and handsome...

Uh, probably takes after his father.

You know, I think so.

You do?

I only met Mr. Sanford once,

but I have the feeling that he's a pretty good guy.

You think so?

Oh, he's kind of a grouch on the outside,

but I'll bet that underneath is a warm, loving person.

That's why I love his son.

Now for my next question...

Esther, forget about the next question.

Look, come on.

I want you to go on home, Esther, by yourself.

You'll be safe,

because this is Be-Kind- to-Someone-Ugly week.

I'll explain to you.

Uh, look here, honey.

Mr. Sanford!

I'm sorry, Janet, but, see,

you wouldn't tell Lamont anything about yourself

and I didn't want him to get hurt,

and I had to know.

Well, I'm sorry too, Mr. Sanford.

And I guess I deserved it,

and you do have a right to know.

Mr. Sanford, the reason

I didn't tell Lamont anything about myself

was because I was afraid if he knew,

he wouldn't like me anymore.

What do you mean, wouldn't like you?

You're nice and you're pretty

and you recognize handsome sons and fathers

when you see them.

I'm divorced. I have a child.

I work as a waitress in a bar,

and I have a brother that's an ex-prize fighter.

I think I met your brother.

I know Lamont's never been married,

and, well, I thought he wouldn't want to date a woman

with the background and problems that I have.

Listen, Janet... May I call you Janet?

Sure.

Well, look, there's nothing wrong

with being divorced or having children,

and, personally,

some of the finest women I ever drooled over

have worked in bars.

But, Mr. Sanford...

And as for the prize fighters,

you've just saw my sister-in-law Esther

with the cauliflower face.

But what about Lamont?

Well, how will he feel?

Look, I know my son.

I can handle him.

You think so?

I know so.

See, I think Lamont's lucky

that you like him, Janet.

He's lucky you care about him.

You're a nice guy, Peter Falcon.

Just call me Pete.

I love you, Pete.

Uh, Re-Pete.

I love you, Pete!

Yeah.

Hello, son.

Oh, hey, Pop. Where've you been, man?

I was looking for you a while ago.

Oh, I been here and there. Just enjoying myself.

Yeah? Yeah.

You seem like you're in a good mood.

I am. I feel great.

I'll see you later. I'm going over to Janet's.

Uh, however, I've got a friend who has a big, big problem.

A friend?

Yeah, see, this acquaintance of mine.

See, this guy has a girlfriend that he's crazy about.

Go on.

But this girlfriend won't tell him anything about herself.

I see.

So, this guy's father...

Who only wants the best for his son...

The friend is me, the father is you, right?

Well, it isn't Bing and Bill Cosby.

So long, Pop.

Wait, son. Don't you want to hear the rest of it?

I know what you're gonna say, man.

You found out some little small thing about Janet

and now you think she's not good enough for me.

Wrong, I found out one big thing about her.

Maybe you're not good enough for her.

She loves you.

Really?

Lamont... I'm gonna tell you the truth.

I think she's the greatest.

Hey, man, I don't know what to say, Pop.

Yeah, well, just go on over there

and have a good time.

Yeah. Right.

And listen. Huh?

When you get over there... Yeah?

Make sure that you say hello to her son for me.

Her son?

She's got a son?

Yeah.

Uh, she got custody after the divorce.

Divorce?

She's been di... She's been married?

Yeah, but see, she supports herself

because she works in a bar.

She works in a bar?

At night.

She works in a bar at night, has a kid,

and has been married?

I don't know if I want to see a woman like that.

What do you mean?

Your brain's been divorced from your body

a long time.

Well, you know what, Pop?

I'm glad you interfered this time, man,

because I could have made a big mistake.

Right, son, because Janet, she's terrific.

I mean, take my word for it.

Now, go on over there.

I don't know, Pop.

Go! Wait a minute.

I don't know, man,

because she's got a lot of problems.

Son, take it from me, now.

If you don't tell her that you love her,

she's gonna have a big problem.

What?

Kissing a boyfriend

with a fist stuck in his mouth.

Just go!

I don't know if I should... Go!

Pop, I don't know if I should go.

Will you go?

Coming.

Lamont, come on in.

May I have a kiss?

First, I want to tell you...

I've got something to tell you, Janet.

Something I've been wanting to say for... for a while.

Oh? Yeah.

It worked!

Ooh! Really?

Yeah, it worked.

He fell for it like a charm, man.

It worked.

Oh, that's... that's wonderful.

Hey, where's David?

He's in the kitchen.

Hey, David.

Shh! You'll wake up my son.

I heard, Lamont.

This calls for a celebration.

Hey, you know, at first, I really didn't think

your plan would work.

Well, see, I knew it would work.

Now, if I had just told Pop everything about Janet,

he would've carried on something awful.

So you let him find out for himself.

Right, I let him meet you on his own terms,

and he was gonna meddle anyway,

but this way he got a chance

to meet you on his own terms.

Well, I still think it was pretty sneaky of you

sending David over there to scare your father.

Maybe,

but I got the feeling that the old man

could handle himself pretty good.

So, you know, I think this calls for a toast.

Yep, calls for a toast.

To Fred G. Sanford.

The G stands for a great father and...

maybe a great father-in...

Go slow, baby. Go slow.

A little toast.

Hey, Pop.

You waited up for me. I think that's nice.

Right, son. I fell asleep right after the monster movie.

Oh, yeah? What was the movie called?

It was called Gork Eats New York and Gets a Thank-You Note

From President Ford.

Listen, son, uh...

Why don't you sit down and tell me

what happened with Janet?

You really want to know?

Of course I want to know.

I'm concerned. I care about you, son.

I want you to be happy.

Well, I think things are gonna be all right

between Janet and I, Pop.

Hey, that's great. You know, she's terrific.

Yeah. You know, you were right about her, Pop.

I'm always right.

I mean, so what if she has a child?

Sure, children are great.

She's still nice to spend time with.

Spend all the time you want.

Yeah. So what if she works in a bar?

Bars are fun.

So what if she's been married?

I've been married and I'm okay.

You sure are, Pop.

Yeah, and so you're gonna

keep on going out with her, huh?

More than that, Pop.

More than what?

Well, Janet and I might be getting engaged.

What?

Yeah. See, you gotta get engaged before you get married.

Married?

Are you crazy?

Why do you want to get involved

with a girl like that?

She's divorced.

She has a child. She works in a bar.

She's short.

I don't like the way she wears her hair.

Her dress is too short.

The way she walks... Got this big old nose

and them old ears stick out there like that.

Right, Janet.

Yeah. Tomorrow at 8:00.

I miss you too, honey.

Every second that I'm away from you

seems like a year.

I can't wait until tomorrow.

Bye-bye, my little sweetie-kins.

Uh, dinner is ready.

Hey, I appreciate you not teasing me

about what you just heard, Pop.

Right.

And thanks for cooking dinner.

Well, the least I can do is see that my little dummy-kins

has some yummy-kins to put in his tummy-kins.