Original subtitles

Hey, here you go, Grady.

Hey, hey. Thanks.

Turn 'em on.

Yep.

Boy, this is going to be great, Fred.

That sure was a good idea,

you asking me to bring my set over

so that we can watch the monsters and the soap operas

at the same time.

Yeah. That's what I call good living, Grady.

Yeah. Plenty of beer and potato chips...

and two TV sets... One for each eye.

And now channel 12 presents...

Here we go, Grady. Yeah.

Return of the Vampire, starring Bela Lugosi.

I missed that one, Grady.

Oh, yeah.

Oh yeah, now, that's...

That's the one with the surprise ending.

I like surprise endings.

Well, if you like surprise endings,

you're going to love this one.

This is the one where the 50-year-old man

turns out to be a 28-year-old girl.

Just wait until you see this.

Whoa, what a surprise.

It's just...

Hello, son.

Pull up a chair.

Hey, man, what's going on here?

First, you watch one television set.

Now you're watching two television sets.

What'll you do tomorrow? Watch three?

There's a whole article in here, Pop,

about people who have heart conditions

just like yourself...

And you want to know what the best thing for them is?

To move their dummy son out the way of the TV,

and the sooner the better.

No, Pop.

Exercise.

Exercise?

That's right. Exercise.

You know, like, uh... um...

push-ups, chin-ups, sit-ups.

Why don't you try some shut-ups?

That was something, Fred.

You get that, Lamont?

He didn't like you yelling at him,

so he told you to shut up in his funny little old way.

He's such a...

Grady, don't you know it's polite to remove your bowl

when you come into somebody's house?

The article in here is all about exercise

for heart patients like yourself,

and it was written by a brilliant doctor.

I'd like for you to read it, Pop.

I don't need to read it.

I get plenty of exercise.

Where do you get exercise?

At funerals, being pallbearer

for all my friends who exercised.

Now, listen to this, Pop.

The article says that people that are inactive

run twice the risk of having heart attacks

as other people.

Well, I... I'm not inactive.

Well, what do you call sleeping 12 hours a day

and watching television 12 hours a day?

I call that a balanced day.

What do you call it when a guy shovels snow

and drops dead in his driveway?

Pop, nobody's asking you to shovel snow, man.

I'm just asking you

to move around a little bit.

Get the blood circulating, move around.

Okay, okay, okay.

Here, hold that Grady.

I'll move around for ya.

I'm serious, Pop.

Now, I checked over at the YMCA,

and they got an exercise program over there.

What channel is it on?

I'll turn it on, and we can watch it.

And starting tomorrow,

we're going to take long walks together

every day.

Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

I'm sorry, but I have a previous engagement.

With who? Moses.

They're showing part three of The Ten Commandments

on Channel 14.

Yeah, from "Thou Shalt Not Steal"

to "Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Ox...

or his Ass".

All right, the day after, then.

Oh, the day after, no. I'll be busy then too.

See, I've got an appointment with Oral Roberts on television.

Oh yeah.

Oral Roberts is going to heal

your father's calluses on his feet.

How is Oral Roberts

going to heal your calluses

when you'll be here?

Well, I'm going to stand on the TV

Let me put it to you another way...

Just when do you think you'll be ready

to start taking these exercises?

You know, when will you be available?

Well, let me see.

Now, this is Friday.

There's Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday...

October, November...

I can give you the exact date that I'll be available.

May one.

Listen, just get away from this television set.

No, no. What do you mean get away from the TV set?

Exactly what I said.

Get away from the TV set.

Don't do that.

No. Don't do that.

Would you stop that?

What do you mean "stop it"?

This is my set.

This is my set.

How do you figure it's your set?

I paid for the set.

Well, I'm the one that does the watching all the time.

I got squatter's rights.

That ain't got nothing to do with the set.

I paid for the set...

Now... now, wait a minute, y'all.

Th... this set's my set.

Now, don't get in no family argument.

You'll get hurt bad, getting in a family argument.

Don't do that.

Now, we're talking about...

Don't do that.

We're talking about my set.

Don't put my set on.

What do you mean, "your set"?

Just what I said.

It's mine. It's not yours.

I paid for this set.

Just don't put your hand on this set no more...

Oh, no!

Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh!

Hey, listen, son,

this is he third day without no TV.

When are you going to get it fixed?

As soon as you start taking those exercise classes.

How come you ain't sitting in your chair?

Because that's my television-watching chair,

and I ain't gonna sit in it until I'm watching television.

All right. Suit yourself.

Wait a minute.

I said that that is my television-watching chair.

Now, you sit down somewhere else.

I'm sitting here.

Why don't you stop acting like a 2-year-old?

You're just trying to get out of taking those exercises.

No, I ain't, son.

It's because I miss my loved ones.

What are you talking about, Pop?

I love Lucy, and I love Miss Kitty,

and Josephine the Plumber,

and that girl with the full figure

who don't believe she's wearing a girdle...

and that weird...

that weird guy who's always in the supermarket

squeezing toilet paper.

Hello there, Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, how are you?

How you doing, Hoppy?

Well, I'm on my dinner break, Fred,

and, uh, I know you usually watch

the Hollywood Squares about now.

Yeah, usually.

Anyway, my idol, the honorable Mr. Jack Webb,

is making his debut tonight.

He'll be sitting on top of Karen Valentine.

If you want to see your idol tonight,

the great Jack Webb,

then you'll have to go somewhere and pick him up,

and bring him over here, and fold him up real small,

and shove him in the TV viewer to see him.

Holy cow! What happened here?

This is a two-O-six. This is malicious damage.

I'm going to have to initiate a step-by-step investigation.

All right, let's start from the beginning.

Well, it was an accident,

but we're not getting it fixed.

See, my pop is supposed to start taking exercises

but he can't stop watching television.

I can give it up any time I get ready.

I just ain't been ready.

Now, you said you could give it up

any time you wanted to.

That is a bad sign.

Well, what do you mean, Hoppy?

Well, I've been reading this pamphlet recently

entitled "How to Recognize an Alcoholic."

You don't know how to recognize an alcoholic?

Well, when you see a guy

trying to put his shoes on over his head,

he's an alcoholic.

Well, that's not what it said in the pamphlet.

It said that one sure sign to recognize an alcoholic

is if a man says he can give up drinking

any time he wants to, but he doesn't.

Now, that is you, Mr. Sanford.

Hey, wait a minute, Hoppy. Pop's not an alcoholic.

I know. He's a tele-holic...

hooked on television.

That's your opinion,

and you have a right to your opinion.

Now may I give you mine?

Go ahead.

Wait a minute, Pop.

I think Hoppy's right, man.

Yo... you get depressed

if you don't watch television.

Yeah. Maybe you're right, son.

And I think he is right, Mr. Sanford.

You've got to stop hitting the tube.

Yeah, he's right, Pop.

There's no difference between you and a person

that's hooked on cigarettes or alcohol.

You're an addict, Pop.

You're a TV addict, Jack.

You've got a peacock on your back.

A peacock.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. I'm an addict.

Oh, did you hear that, Elizabeth?

I'm coming to join you, honey.

I'm hooked on color television.

Oh, honey, it won't be hard to recognize me.

I'll be the one with the bird on my back.

Oh, God.

Lamont's right about you

not taking care of yourself, Fred.

That's why I came here to fix this meal for you.

Well, Donna, I...

I don't like that old low-castor-oil stuff.

That's low cholesterol, and you should like it.

You should stay away from things

like fried foods, butter, egg yolks...

Egg yolks? Mm-hmm.

You take away the egg yolk,

that's the best part of it.

Take away the yolk,

there ain't nothing left but that old slippery stuff.

Hey, listen, honey,

maybe I shouldn't be watching television all the time.

Of course.

You agree?

Certainly, I agree.

Maybe after dinner,

we can do something else besides watch TV.

Like what?

Yeah! Fred!

No, what I mean is, like, uh...

maybe Lamont is right about me needing

more exercise, more activity.

I need to bend,

I need to twist, you know what I mean?

I need to bend and twist,

and get all relaxed,

and that will give me some rest and everything.

That's right, Fred.

Uh, well, then, I thought we might...

No, Fred.

Honey, you know,

when a man gets that urge... - Pop!

When a man gets the call...

Hey, Pop!

I think you're getting that call, Fred.

I think I'm gonna cancel that call.

We're in here, Lamont.

Why did you tell him we're in here?

He's your son.

Well, that was an accident.

Oh, hi, Donna. Hi, Lamont.

Hey, listen, son,

you remember when you was a little boy like this,

and you used to come to me

to get some money to go to the movies,

and I wouldn't give you none? Yeah.

Well, I changed my mind.

Go to the movies and get you some popcorn,

and see the show twice.

You ain't in the movies yet?

Just come on in the living room, all right?

Go on, Fred.

Oh, I'll go in the living room.

Uh, Pop,

I'd like for you to meet... Mr. Simmons.

Your son's told me a lot about you.

Yeah, well, by now you ought to know

I don't want you in my house.

Wait a minute now, Pop.

Don't go jumping to no conclusions now.

Mr. Simmons is going to make you a very happy man.

He is? That's right.

Oh. You're the TV repair man.

Well, here's the TV right here, Mr. Simmons.

I think you should know I'm a hypnotist.

I wouldn't care if you was a gynecologist, man,

if you was going to fix the TV.

No, Mr. Sanford, I'm not here to fix the TV.

I'm here to fix you.

Look here, I... I don't need no fixing.

Listen, I didn't intend to have no more dummies anyway.

Fred, will you be serious?

Now, uh, Mr. Simmons,

exactly what is it you're planning to do?

Uh, well, I have been retained by young Mr. Sanford here

to, uh, cure his father's addiction

with hypnosis.

Yeah. You see, Pop, Mr. Simmons is a graduate

of the El Segundo Institute of Hypnosis.

Correct, and in the past,

I have helped smokers and alcoholics with hypnosis,

and maybe I can do something for your TV addiction.

Lamont, get this swami back down to Capistrami.

Mr. Sanford, hypnosis is a widely respected concept

with unlimited potential to benefit mankind.

That's the same thing they said about social security.

Would you just relax?

Now just sit down, okay?

Sit down and relax.

Let Mr. Simmons talk to you.

Go ahead.

We don't want you

to stop watching television all together, Mr. Sanford.

It's just that I feel that with my experience

and the knowledge I've gained through years of training

at good ol' El Segundo,

that I can help you cut down.

Listen, son, now if I go along with this here stuff,

will you get the TV fixed tomorrow?

First thing in the morning, Pop.

And you'll get me a cable put on it

so that I can watch roller derby on that Spanish station?

Anything you want.

Then... then I'll try it.

All right, fine.

Now, um, let's begin.

Will you stop that?

Fred!

Someone call?

You hypnotized me, Mr. Simmons.

Now, Lamont, get the TV fixed tomorrow.

I'm gonna tell you...

Now either do this thing right,

or just forget about getting that TV fixed.

I mean that. Fred, come on.

Give him a chance.

It's for your own benefit.

All right, now.

I'm gonna go through this when it's time,

but I don't want no parade of people

waving watches in front of my face.

Okay, fine. All right, now... now go ahead, Mr. Simmons.

Well, I might as well tell you now,

I don't believe in this hypnosis stuff.

Well, a lot of people don't, and it's understandable.

Now just watch the watch.

No, that ain't no trouble watching a watch.

I don't blame you, really.

If you feel like relaxing, please do.

Hypnosis is not something that's easily believed.

Watch the watch.

Watch the watch.

Is he hypnotized, Mr. Simmons?

I think so, but I'm not sure how deeply.

Mr. Sanford, can you hear me?

I hear you.

Good.

Then walk towards the door.

Walk towards the door.

Uh, not that door, the other door.

The other door. Far enough.

That's just about far enough.

Good. Too far.

Good. Now turn around.

Turn around.

Uh, stop. Good.

Now, just one more test,

and I think we're ready to begin.

Mr. Sanford, your left arm is very heavy.

Heavy.

You will attempt to raise it,

but it will be extremely difficult,

almost impossible.

Mr. Sanford, raise your left arm.

You can't. It's too heavy.

Now it's light as a feather.

♪ And would I be sure That this is love ♪

♪ Beyond compare ♪

♪ Would all this be true ♪

♪ If I didn't Care for you? ♪♪

He's ready.

Ready Freddy.

I'm Ready Freddy and Donna's my steady.

You are getting tired, Fred.

You are getting more and more tired.

Not tonight, Donna.

I'm too tired.

Now I'm going to try some post-hypnotic suggestion.

Mr. Sanford, listen to me closely.

When you wake up,

every time you think of television,

you will feel very hot.

Very hot.

Whenever you look at television,

or watch a television show,

or even look at a television guide,

or talk about television,

you will feel very, very hot.

Very, very hot.

Good.

Now wake up at the count of three.

One... two... three.

Hey, man, if you ain't gonna hypnotize me,

why don't you leave my house?

All right. I'll leave. Yes.

Goodbye, Mr. Sanford. It's been nice meeting you.

Uh, thanks a lot, Mr. Simmons.

Keep in touch, Lamont. Okay.

Well, ho... how do you feel, Pop?

I'd feel swell, son,

if you'd just get this TV to work

and cut that heat down some. Fred?

How about something to eat?

Don't bother about cooking nothing.

Just, uh, uh, defrost a couple of them TV dinners...

Whew... a couple of them TV dinners...

No TV dinners, Fred.

Now, you're going to have a real meal.

Yeah, of course. Let's eat.

I'll... I'll just go upstairs, then.

Yeah.

Now, Fred, you just stay out here

and be comfortable, and I'll get...

I'll get dinner, all right?

Okay, honey.

Whew.

Where's...

Fred?

Would you like a roll or a slice of rye?

Roller... roller... Roller derby!

What?

Now just bring me a cold glass of ice water.

Here, Fred.

Here... what's... Here... here's your water.

Yeah. Wha... what...

Yeah. Get me another one.

Oh! And get me a block of ice.

Lamont!

Lamont, you'd better call Mr. Simmons.

It's an emergency.

Emergency?

What day is that on?

Please, Mr. Simmons.

Bring him out of it.

Look what this post-hypnotic suggestion

is doing to him.

All right, Mr. Sanford, at the count of three...

one, two, three.

You feel all right, Pop?

Yeah. Man, why don't you get out of my house

with that old post-hypnotic suggestion stuff?

Gladly, gladly.

And, uh... I am sorry.

And listen here, Lamont. Let me tell you something.

Fred, don't start picking on Lamont.

He was only trying to help you...

He was only trying to help you, as I was,

and you'd do well to try and help yourself.

Now, listen.

Donna, why are you getting mad?

Because you... yo... you...

We care for you, that's why,

and you're not helping anybody to care for you.

Good night.

You know... you know, Pop, I think she was right.

I know she's right, and I know you're right, son,

but I can't help myself.

I just... I got a TV... I'm a TV addict.

Just get the TV fixed for me tomorrow.

This will all be done.

I'm tired of doing this.

What are you doing?

I'm pretending I'm watching television.

What are you... What are you watching?

Right now I'm watching The Wide World of Junk.

Hey, Pop, come on down here.

I've got something I want to show you.

Pop!

Okay, okay.

I'm coming.

Well, what is it you got to show me?

Surprise.

You got it fixed! Yeah.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, you're a nice son.

Now, nice son, I'm going to turn it on.

Tut, tut, tut, tut.

There's one small condition.

A condition? Yeah, you see,

from now on when you're watching television,

you won't be watching it alone,

they'll always be someone here watching it with you.

Oh, I don't mind that, son.

I like company. Now, where is he?

You ready?

Oh, son. Don't do that.

Get that picture off of there.

I can't look at TV

with Esther's old picture up there.

Oh. I'm sorry, Pop. I can't do that.

It's a package deal, man.

If you want to watch television,

that picture goes with it.

Okay, okay, I'll try.

Yeah, good.

All right, all right, son.

All right. I'll exercise.

I'll exercise. Good.

Now, that's the way

I like to hear my old man talk.

I'll exercise, son.

I'll start right now.

Hey, come on, Pop. Let's go, man.

Okay son, I'm coming.

You ready to go? Yeah.

Well, how long is this going to take?

We'll go around the block a couple of times, you know.

I know you don't want to do this, Pop.

The least I can do,

since I got rid of Esther's picture,

is give you a couple of minutes of my TV time.

I want you to know that what you're doing

takes a lot of strength of character.

Yeah, strength of character.

Let's go. Let's jog.

You old fool!

Door number three! Door number three!