Original subtitles

(gear clicking)

(film projector whirring)

(horse galloping)

(sword rasps)

(gentle guitar music)

(title whooshes)

(car whirring)

(mouse squeaking)

(car whirring)

(mouse squeaking)

♪ Shall we gather at the river ♪

♪ Where bright angels' feet have trod ♪

♪ With its crystal tide forever ♪

♪ Flowing by the throne of God ♪

♪ Yes, we'll gather at the river ♪

♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪

(gentle music)

- [Woman] What? Hey.

What are you doing? - Get out of here.

(chip crunching) - Hey.

(mouse squeaking)

(car whirring)

(mouse squeaking)

- Fear!

(mouse squeaking)

Fear ye, the Lord your God.

(panel closes) (Theus chuckles)

You'll be cast into a lake of fire with Satan himself,

and there will be- - I've been wait for you.

Ah! - And gnashing of teeth.

He who even looks at a woman- - Why does Satan want

to mash your teeth?

- He's already committed adultery!

So if your eye offends you,

if it causes you to lust, pluck it out.

Cast it away.

Same thing with your nose.

- Get away from there.

Somebody's gonna see you.

- Your father is in rare form today.

- Speaking of rare form,

where'd you learn how to kiss like that?

- Just doing what comes natural.

- Mm. I like nature.

(Lisa chuckles)

- You know, the only way

to get to eternal glory is through sacrifice.

Somehow, somewhere, someday,

the good Lord is going to ask you

maybe to make a tremendous sacrifice,

and on that day, what will you say?

How will you answer him?

Will you answer him yes?

Yes?!

Will you answer him yes?

- [Churchgoers] Yes.

- I think we need to practice sacrificing now.

starting today.

When the collection plate goes by,

I want you to sacrifice

as much as you possibly can to the Lord.

Remember, money is the root of all evil,

so use this opportunity to rid yourself

of as much evil as possible.

Remember, it is written,

"Ask how much to give, and you shall receive an answer."

And, folks, Lord loves a hilarious giver,

so please, let me hear some laughter.

Little laughter. (churchgoers laughing)

Don't hurt that much!

Let me hear some laughter!

Come on! (churchgoers laughing)

Come on!

Come on!

The Lord loves a hilarious giver!

(rock clatters)

I'd like to thank you.

The Lord appreciates your generosity.

You know, it is this spirit of giving which enabled us

to acquire this magnificent stained glass window,

imported directly from Italy.

I'm sure we will treasure it

for (sighs) many, many years to come.

Amen to that.

- Mm.

Kelly?

- Yeah?

- Do you know what today is?

- I'm guessing it's Sunday.

- Besides that.

It's the 10-year year anniversary of the day we first met.

- Yeah.

- I was seven and you were eight, remember?

I was a bat girl in your little league team.

I went over to pick up a bat,

and you were practicing your swing.

- And I knocked out your front four teeth.

- Oh, so romantic.

- Yeah, well, if you think that's romantic, check this out.

- Kelly. - It opens.

Open it. - It's beautiful.

(Lisa laughs)

I'm never going to take it off.

I love you, Kelly Hankins.

- And I love you, Lisa Weld.

- Help me put it on?

- Of course.

- Yay.

All right.

- All right. - Got it?

- Yeah.

- Tomorrow starts our first day of senior year.

- I know.

I mean, this could be the best year of our lives.

- What's your favorite thing about school?

- My favorite thing about school?

Well, besides you?

(Lisa chuckles)

Baseball season.

I mean, there's just something about it.

You know, standing on the mound and game's on the line,

have a chance to be a hero.

Everyone's chanting, "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly."

(both chuckling)

(Kelly sighs)

I know everyone's behind me,

and (sighs) they're gonna trust

I'll make the right decision.

It's just, one time, I'd like to just reach out

and grab that feeling and hold onto it forever.

- I wish I could feel that way.

But I'd be scared to death.

- You're scared of everything.

- Well, don't you ever get afraid?

- Sometimes.

Like, does it make sense to be afraid of being afraid?

- What do you mean?

- When I'm trusted to make the big decision,

like, the really big decision, could I do it?

Would I cave?

- Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. (Lisa clapping)

- Very funny. (Lisa laughs)

How about you?

What's your favorite thing?

- Hmm.

I like the dances.

It's the only time I can hold you in public.

(Lisa chuckles)

- How much longer do we have to keep this secret?

- Eight months, one week, and three days.

My 18th birthday,

the day my father finally allows me to start dating.

- Yeah, it feels like forever.

I mean, you may not even love me anymore.

I could go crazy, gain a hundred pounds, bald, you know?

- I'd still love you.

- Why don't we tell your father right now?

- That's a terrible idea.

Then I wouldn't be allowed to date until I was crazy, bald,

and gained a hundred pounds. (Kelly chuckles)

- Well, I'd still love you.

All right, coward, eight months, one week, three days.

It's a date.

- On one condition.

- All right.

- On my first date, I want to wear the biggest,

most beautiful pink orchid in town.

- I'd do anything for you.

Anything at all.

- Well, I've got a heavy hankering for you, Kelly Hankins.

(Lisa chuckles)

(bell tolling)

- [Reverend Weld] Mary, good to see you.

- You too. - Hey, Bob.

Pleasure, sir.

(Reverend Weld sighs)

Good to see you.

And just where have you been, young lady?

- I needed to use the bathroom.

- Lisa, you need to understand the importance

of the example you set for our young people.

- Yes, Daddy.

- You...

Hi.

Hi.

You provide the moral guidance

with your virtue for our entire community.

- Yes, Daddy. - I expect you sitting

at the front row of every service.

- I will be, Daddy.

- Oh, the Hankins family.

How are you, Jeff? - Good morning, Reverend Weld.

- Gloria.

- [Gloria] Wonderful sermon today, Reverend.

- [Reverend Weld] And how are you, Jimmy?

- [Jimmy] Just fine, sir.

About your sermon today...

- Yes? - If money is the root

of all evil, how do I fertilize it?

- Quite the mind on this young man.

You're quite an original thinker.

Wonderful.

Mm.

Kelly, how's the arm on Butterhill's star pitcher?

- It's great, sir. Thank you.

- That's good. We are all counting on you.

Oh, this is very stylish.

- Oh.

It's the new style.

You should try it, sir.

- I think I might.

Mm. Well, good to see you.

- Good to see you too. - Pleasure, sir.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

- Hey!

I'm coming.

♪ I'll be the one to hold you safe and sound ♪

Hey! Bombs away!

- Gosh, get off me.

- Baa!

- Pretend like you're actually

a normal human being for once?

- Ah, you don't want that?

(Ditto sighs) - No.

- Come here, babe.

First day of senior year.

Smiling? - Yes.

- This is for my mother. - I know.

- It's going on the Christmas card.

- Okay.

- Cheese.

(camera snaps)

Okay. Great.

Preserved for all eternity.

- Yeah. - Oh, yes!

I feel good all under.

- Are you finally wearing the right sized underwear?

- Underwear. Underwear, underwear, underwear.

Nopes. Oh, well.

More room to indulge that bulge, you know?

- Yeah, you wish. - You know what I'm saying?

Walk in swinging.

All right, Ace, let's burn rubber.

These ladies are awaiting our glorious presence.

Woo!

♪ Oh, this night will never last as long ♪

♪ As I want it to be ♪

♪ You're crying on my shoulder ♪

♪ Damn, I think I love her, it's true ♪

♪ I want you, oh ♪

♪ And I want you ♪

♪ But you don't ♪

♪ See me ♪

♪ You'll see me ♪

♪ She's looking for her everything man ♪

♪ But she don't notice ♪

♪ I'm the perfect hand ♪ ♪ You'll see me ♪

♪ You'll see me ♪

♪ But she don't notice I'm the perfect hand ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

- Who's that driving the green bug?

- That's Frankie Wilson.

Sure is an improvement over that old van.

- I don't know, I mean, you could really stretch

your legs out in that van. (car rumbling)

- Ooh.

What is this?

(upbeat rock music)

(window whirring)

- Hello, ladies.

(record scratches) - Oh.

Well, that sucks.

It's Milton.

- [All] Ew.

- Hey, there's Kelly Hankins.

- Who's that with him? - That's Ditto Moore.

- [Blonde Girl] You mean Ditzo Moore.

- [Candy] Hi, Kelly.

- Hi, Candy.

How was your summer?

- Awful.

I just stared at my phone and prayed for a call from you,

but my prayers went unanswered.

- Well, I didn't have you number.

(lips smacking)

(girls laughing)

- That brazen hussy.

Like a spider waiting to devour a fly.

Let me have that number.

- I'll take that.

- Like you'd know what to do with it.

- Oh, I was this close to scoring with those babes

until The Hunkins ruined it.

- Sorry to ruin your scene, Milton.

- You always ruin my scene.

You stole Mary Beth Barber from me.

Kissed her right in front the flagpole.

- Milton, that was in kindergarten.

I mean, she kissed me.

I pushed her down. Get over it.

- Oh, ho, ho, well, the great

and powerful Kelly Hankins has spoken.

Yeah, you need to take it down a notch.

I will pull back the curtain on you, you just wait and see.

(Ditto chuckles)

- That is one delusional hombre.

- Yeah.

- Oh! - Then you say go, go!

That's right, you right, then you say fight, fight!

♪ Don't say there's only one way ♪

- Attention, students.

Attention.

- [Cheerleaders] Then you say go, go!

That's right, you know it!

(cheerleaders screaming)

♪ I won't let you coat me with your cliches ♪

(Principal Miller groans)

♪ You're doing things all the wrong ways ♪

♪ You're doing things all the wrong ways ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a wanted man in the hands of a sinner ♪

♪ Keep myself up at night, counting stars as I wither away ♪

♪ Who's to say I'm crazy and messed up ♪

(fist thuds)

♪ Don't look down, keep your chin up, kid ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm more than this ♪

- Attention.

Is this even...

Attention.

Hoodlum, punk, gangster. (speaker squeals)

Oh, there we go.

Good morning, students.

- Good morning, Principal Miller.

- As many of you know, I am Mr. Miller,

the principal here at Butterhill High.

And our dedicated and respected staff

would like to welcome you back

to yet another year here at your favorite school.

And we have two new faculty members this year.

As a result of the brilliant investigative work

of our very own "Butterhill Bulletin" reporter, Milton,

our former practitioner, Nurse Nancy, will not be with us,

as her ankle monitor will not allow her

within 200 feet of any school.

In her place, I am pleased to introduce Nurse Zelda.

(Milton applauding)

(Zelda speaks in foreign language)

Isn't she just foreign?

Next, a man whom words simply cannot describe,

Coach Franklin Dombrowski.

(door opens)

(whistle shrilling)

Thank you...

(Coach Dombrowski laughs)

- Oh, hey.

- Very inspirational.

We look forward to developing you all

into responsible, mature, young adults.

(student farts)

(Principal Miller sniffing) (students laughing)

Settle down, people.

Settle.

Settle.

And in order to start things off on the right foot,

the school is sponsoring a kickoff dance this Friday!

(students clapping)

- And left, two, three, four.

Right, two, three, four.

Left, two, three, four.

Right, two, three, four.

Left, two, three, four.

Right, two, three, four.

Left two, three, four.

Right, two, three, four.

Left, two, three, four.

Right, two, three, four.

Left, two, three, four.

Right, two, three, four.

And that's our class for the day.

(students applauding)

I'll see you guys net week, all right?

- Awesome class, Kelly. - Thank you.

- See you at the dance tomorrow?

- See you. - Can't wait.

- Has anyone ever told you

what a sensual instructor you are?

So strong, so tight, so many muscles.

You make my heart race even when we're not exercising.

- That's good, I guess.

- So I hear your band will be playing at the dance tomorrow?

- Yeah. We've been practicing all summer.

It's gonna be great.

- Will you have any time for dancing?

- Yeah. Yeah, in between songs.

It'll be fun.

- Well, I'll be sure to save a dance for you,

and much, much more.

- Mm, mm, mm, mm. (Ditto clapping)

Spider bait.

- Yeah, well, she's gonna to starve to death.

- Hey, no comprendo, Ace.

What are you waiting on?

Board that ship before she sets sail.

- Ditto, can you keep a secret?

- Moi?

The king of conceal?

They would poke my eyes out

with toothpicks before I would give you up, man.

Spill it!

- Lisa and I are...

We're more than friends.

- "More"?

- Yeah.

- How much more?

- Well, we're in love.

- Oh, dude, you cannot touch her.

She is the preacher's daughter.

- I know. - He's gonna get God

to cast down a lightning bolt on you.

- I know.

Look, we've been secretly dating, all right?

She's on the strictly restricted list.

Do not open till 18.

- Estimated time of arrival?

- Eight months, six days.

- Ah, that could explain the lack of interest

in Candy and company.

Ouch.

(Ditto exhales)

I'd have trouble keeping that secret.

- You have trouble keeping your underwear a secret.

- Oh?

All right.

We're going to play hit and run.

When Candy comes onto you,

I'll pinch hit while you run away.

- You're all heart, Ditto.

(Ditto laughs)

- Absolutely, bud.

What are friends for?

(lively rock music)

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ever since she walked by ♪

♪ Those jeans are on my mind, it's true ♪

♪ Oh, it's true ♪

♪ I'm hooked, I'm hypnotized ♪

♪ She's voodoo with big, blue eyes, it's true ♪

♪ So true ♪

♪ She's every thought, she's every word ♪

♪ If I could sleep, I'd dream of her ♪

♪ I'm hit ♪

♪ Going down in flames ♪

♪ Tail spinning, she's to blame ♪

♪ I'm hit ♪

♪ I'm outta control ♪

♪ Falling in love, falling hard, you know ♪

♪ I'm hit ♪

♪ Going down in flames ♪

♪ Shell-shocked, and I can't see straight ♪

♪ Other girls are miles below her ♪

♪ I'm hit, and it's game over ♪

- Nurse Zelda, may I offer you a cup of punch?

- Is it spiked?

- What? No, no.

No, no, no. I made it myself.

- Oh, pass-a-rooni.

- Are you sure?

My exotic blend of papaya, mango,

and the guava are temptingly delightful,

with a splash of passion fruit that'll curl your toes.

What?

- Why, Principal Miller,

are you trying to seduce me?

(hand slaps)

- God, no.

Perish the thought.

I just thought you might be thirsty.

- Okay, Daddy.

(Lisa coughing)

(toilet flushes)

♪ She stole my world ♪

♪ If only she were my girl ♪

♪ She's every thought, she's every word ♪

♪ If I could sleep, I'd dream of her ♪

♪ I'm hit ♪

♪ She's too delicious ♪

♪ Burning for her bright red kisses ♪

♪ Got to tell her, I know I should ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm hit, and I'm hit for good ♪

♪ I'm hit ♪

♪ And it's game over ♪

(students cheering)

- Oh, you guys are great!

Gonna take a break. We'll be right back.

- Okay, ladies, get in line.

The Ditto-meister is now accepting reservations for romance.

How soon they forget a hero.

These small town girls don't know what they're missing.

(Kelly chuckles)

- [Kelly] Striking out over there, aren't you?

- Oh, one, two, and three.

- [Kelly] Here, drown your sorrows.

- Yeah, thank you.

Mm.

Ugh, disgustamundo.

Here we go. Just what the doctor ordered.

Some for me. (alcohol splashing)

Hey.

Some for you. (alcohol splashing)

Some for the punch bowl too. (alcohol splashing)

Know what? Let's lower your standards just a little bit.

There we go. Great.

(upbeat music)

- [Kelly] May I have this dance?

- Mm, my Prince Charming.

Where have you been all my life?

- Ah! (girl yelps)

All right, come with me.

- Nurse Zelda.

- Captain.

This is very tasty punch indeed.

I think I will have one or two or 16 more of these.

- Well, I'm happy it pleases you.

I can give you the secret recipe.

- Oh, well, give it to me, baby.

I gots to have it.

Like bear on water skis.

♪ Freakin' in the Land of Phat ♪

♪ Bow bow bow jiggy dom jiggy da bay da bay ♪

- Nurse Zelda, do we have an ill student

out there on the floor?

- How would I know?

♪ Ba bow ba jiggy da bay da bay ♪

- Bear on water skis.

(gentle music)

♪ Where have you been since the last time ♪

- So what did you think of the band?

- It was fine.

♪ I'll wish you well ♪

♪ Once you tell me if Juniper's here to stay ♪

- Having a good time?

- [Lisa] Mm-hm.

- Really, Lisa, let's not hog the hunk.

♪ Proved Juniper would not remain for long ♪

(punch splashing)

♪ Through the rain, we cooled your pain ♪

♪ But life is only ♪

♪ What it's worth to Juniper ♪ (hand slaps)

♪ Hey, Juniper ♪

♪ Still match the picture in my mind's eye ♪

- [Kelly] Ditto?

Ditto.

- You're an exquisite dancer, and so sexy.

(Candy chuckles) - Hit and run, Ditto.

Ditto, hit and run.

- Looks like Hankins is moving in on your territory.

- Yeah, dude, he's putting a squeeze

on your grapefruits, man.

- Yeah. Go get him.

(long-haired boy chuckles)

Yeah. (hands slapping)

- Hi, Bronco.

How's algebra going?

Ditto?!

(Bronco grunts) (punch thuds)

- Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Two.

Oh, darn.

I keep losing count.

How about we take your temperature, yes?

Oof.

The old-fashioned way.

- I'm feeling much better now.

- You are no fun, at all.

I'm going to take two aspirins,

and you call me in the morning.

I've got some booty twerking to do.

- Are you all right?

- I'm fine.

Surprised he didn't break his hand on my abs of steal.

What? That was funny.

- I'm just not much in the mood for laughing.

- What's wrong, Lisa?

- I've got a problem.

A growing problem.

- I don't get it.

- Do you prefer cloth or disposable diapers?

- Are you saying that...

(gentle piano music)

I love you, Lisa.

I love you, and I'll love our baby.

- And I love you.

But I'm scared.

I'm scared of what the town might think,

and what all the other kids are gonna say.

And most of all, I'm scared of what my dad's gonna do.

(Lisa sighs)

I'm scared for us.

I just got to disappear.

- Lisa, you're not leaving me, not now, not ever.

I mean, sure, we made a mistake,

but everybody makes mistakes.

I promise, I will come up with something.

- Really?

- I've always wanted to be your knight in shining armor.

Just give me a chance.

(upbeat rock music)

(students cheering)

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

Whoa. Whoa.

Nurse Zelda!

(students gasping)

I cannot unsee that.

- [Kelly] Can't believe your dad gave you

a key to this place.

- He didn't give me a key.

I wouldn't give me a key.

I forged a copy.

- [Kelly] So your dad doesn't know we raid

this place every night?

- Well, sure he knows.

He keeps a tab.

I'm in debt for life.

- He doesn't kick your butt?

- How could you kick a butt with a face like this?

So, how are you feeling after that first round knockout?

- Hit and run, huh?

I get hit, you run?

Your little error almost cost me the game.

- That was not my fault.

She had me under some sort of spell.

I promise it won't happen again.

(Kelly sighs)

- It's nothing compared to the blow Lisa laid on me.

- Oh.

(Ditto chuckles)

Something juicy?

(Kelly chuckles)

- I mean, you'll probably find out.

I mean, the whole school will probably find out.

(Kelly sighs)

Lisa and I are...

Lisa and I are gonna have a baby.

(Ditto chokes)

(Ditto coughing)

- A baby what?

- What do you mean, "A baby what"?

A baby, baby.

You know, a pooping, wetting, wah, wah, wah baby.

- I hate to break it you,

but this is gonna put a definite strain

on your dating secret.

- I've got to think of something fast.

I mean, if I don't, Lisa's father's gonna ship her off

to some convent in Mongolia.

And, I mean, I doubt I'll be doing

any pitching from a body cast.

- How about if we try to disguise Lisa?

- That won't work.

Girls always know. They have that baby sonar thing.

I've got to come up with something

no one's ever gonna figure out.

(siren wailing) (Kelly sighs)

- [Theus] Rapunzel!

Rapunzel!

Let down your long hair!

(gentle music)

- [Kelly] Hey, Uncle Theus.

When'd you get the cool wheels?

- This morning.

(Theus chuckles)

Ain't she a beaut? - Yeah.

- My other car would make me look bad.

So, where's my kid brother?

I need to experiment on him again.

- [Kelly] He took Jimmy and Mom fishing.

They should be gone all day.

- What? Gadzooks!

I distinctly told him I'd be by Sunday afternoon.

- Today's Saturday.

- Saturday? Are you sure?

- Yeah. - Okay, what was yesterday?

- Friday. - Tomorrow?

- Sunday.

- What will it be a week from today?

- Saturday. - Ah!

My god, it is Saturday.

This is disastrous. Everything's ready.

- Ready for what?

- Well, the greatest discovery known to mankind.

Greater than the wheel, greater than flight,

greater than peanut butter.

Now, listen, I've discovered

how to transfer unlimited gigaflops of yobibytes

directly into the cerebral cortex, resulting in...

Well, it's really cool.

Uh, maybe.

- "Maybe"?

"Maybe" what?

- Well, that's why I need my guinea...

I need your father.

I need somebody to volunteer

to do my experiment on.

- Is it painful?

- Oh, no, no, no, no. No pain whatsoever.

Absolutely pain-free.

At least none of the mouses complained about it.

- I'll volunteer.

- You will? - Yeah.

- Oh, you'd be doing a huge service to mankind.

Not to mention boosting your grade point average.

- Hm.

- I could never repay you.

- Can I bring Ditto?

- Absolutely. Yes.

Let him witness history in the making.

- All right, cool.

I think I have to go to the bathroom.

- Oh, no, no, no.

We're ready to begin.

All there.

Okay, when I flip this switch,

you're gonna become a human computer chip.

Okay.

Before...

Well, you put this in your mouth.

It's gonna prevent you from biting your tongue.

All right?

- Okay. - Mm.

Mm? Mm?

Mm?

Okay. - Okay.

- [Theus] All right.

Okay. Ready?

Count!

- Five!

Four!

Three!

Two!

One! (switch clicks)

Blastoff! (machine buzzing)

- Work, baby. Work, baby.

Work, baby.

Work, baby.

(alarm wailing)

(switch clicks)

What's your name?

- Kelly Hankins.

(Theus chuckles)

- It worked.

What's the square root of 976?

- I don't know.

I really don't feel any different.

- No new knowledge?

- At least I didn't lose any.

- [Ditto] Hey. What's this?

- Ah! (plant snaps)

Don't touch that. (hand slaps)

That is a super hybrid of a Venus flytrap,

only it doesn't stop at eating just insects.

(Theus groaning)

- Sorry. - Yeah.

(monkey squeaking) - Hey, little fella.

Hey, Uncle Theus, who's this?

- Don't.

That?

That, that is Adam,

my most extraordinary experiment.

- [Kelly] He looks pretty normal to me.

- Oh, he is, except for one very important detail.

He is gonna have a baby.

(Theus chuckles)

- Adam's gonna have a baby? - Yeah.

(Theus chuckles)

- [Kelly] That's impossible.

- Well, it may not be as crazy as you may think.

There have been dozens of documented cases

of women carrying babies in their abdominal cavities.

All right? So, why not a male?

- How did he even get pregnant in the first place?

- Well, by Tweet.

- [Kelly] Tweet?

I don't understand.

- Yeah, you never will understand.

I barely understand myself.

Tweet.

Tweet stands for Theus workable easy embryo transfer.

No muss, no fuss. No pain whatsoever.

- Yeah, I've heard that before.

Are you sure it's safe?

- Are you doubting the work of a genius

with double your IQ, triple his?

I give you proof positive.

- Uncle Theus, can that be done to a human being?

- Well, theoretically, yes,

but, you know, there are dangers involved.

- What kind of dangers?

- Well, the danger that the embryo will not attach,

the danger of removing the mature fetus,

most importantly, the danger to the carrier.

Any misstep along the way could prove fatal.

- [Kelly] Hm.

- I don't know, Kelly.

- I do.

- But what if- - It won't.

- But can you- - I can.

- Is this some sorta new teenage rap?

- You know, Uncle Theus, you said you'd never be able

to repay me for that experiment.

- That's right.

- I know how you can repay me.

- What in the heck?

Get up!

I'm the principal!

I'm the principal here!

Oh.

I wanted a beaver.

Milton, I assume you are taking up valuable space

in my office for a reason.

What have you got for me?

(mellow music)

Sucking face in the janitor's room,

smoking in the lavatory,

beer cans in the bushes?

- Having them dusted for prints now.

- And spiked punch?

That explains a lot.

Milton, I want to commend you.

Your keen sense of investigative snitchery

has reached new lows.

You may now stand at ease.

- Thank you, sir.

May I say, it's an honor to serve on board

the same ship with you as her commander.

- Yes, you may.

- Uh.

Again, it's an honor to serve on board

the same ship with you as her commander.

- Thank you!

Milton, you are a credit to your school,

and a valuable asset to me.

I want you to step up your efforts to uncover

these offensive everyday teenage activities.

Keep your eyes open and your ears perked

for any rumor of deviant behavior.

- Okay.

(Principal Miller sighs)

(keyboard clicking)

- Oh, wow, this must be the Horror section.

(Kelly chuckles)

(Lisa chuckles)

- If you're looking for something to check out, try this.

- Mm.

I'll take a dozen copies, but not here, not right now.

You've got to be crazy.

- I might just be.

Wait till you hear this plan.

- [Lisa] What?!

- Shh, okay?

It's perfect, all right?

I'll have no problem hiding 10 pounds.

No one will suspect a thing.

And then when school lets out for the summer, I'll have it.

(hand thudding)

(headphones squealing)

- Do you have any idea how difficult it is to carry a baby?

- Hey, I'm a guy.

I can handle it, all right?

How hard could it be?

- You really have no clue, do you?

- So what do you think?

- I think it's the strangest thing I've ever heard.

- Yeah.

Strange or not, it's our best plan.

- This doesn't look like a doctor's office.

Where are all of his diplomas?

- Dr. Theus and his assistant are highly trained,

respected, dedicated professionals.

Dr. Theus, I'd like you to meet Lisa.

- Oh.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet the mate of the man

who will mother the child that you conceived.

- Mm. - And his assistant,

Dr. Moore- (Ditto coughs)

Guh.

Dr. Morgue, Lisa.

- [Lisa] Charmed, I'm sure.

- So, if we are ready, we can begin the procedure.

- Just one question.

You have performed this procedure before, right?

- Uh.

Yeah. Of course.

Yes.

In fact, in fact, Adam will be watching

the entire procedure.

- Adam?

- Adam. Yes, Adam, my first transplant experiment.

- A monkey?

Experiment.

No, no, no, I-

- Mellow out, babe, all right?

This will be a piece of cake.

- Ditto!

(Ditto yelps)

(Lisa sighing)

(body thuds)

- Do I still get to apply the anesthesia?

(gentle music)

(machine beeping)

- Hey.

You okay in there?

Can you hear me?

(machine beeping)

Now, look who's back.

How you doing?

- Lisa? - Oh, no, Lisa's doing fine.

Yeah.

The procedure went perfectly, and now, we just have to wait.

So you get some rest.

Good.

- Class, what you have before you are frogs

that you will be dissecting.

All the materials that you need should be on your desk.

- The whole thing went as slick as snot.

I was the main man, of course,

but your uncle did do his part.

- Yeah.

I don't even feel any different.

- Well, take it from me, you are, in a family way.

- Yeah.

This is a breeze.

I mean, to think, women have complained

about this for centuries now.

- All right, class, we're ready to begin dissecting

the anatomy of a frog.

- It's all a big gimmick.

- You think?

- Absolutely.

Girls have been lying to guys since Eve told Adam

that there was no worm in that apple.

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right.

- The first point of order is to slice open

the abdominal cavity.

- You are gonna blow the lid

off of this whole pregnancy scam.

Liberate mankind.

Herald the truth.

(Kelly heaves) (vomit splashes)

(students gasping)

You're just wasting your money with that test.

After all, I am an experienced professional.

- I hate to burst your bubble, Ditto,

but you're only a high school student

who's flunking biology.

I mean, a lot of people get sick at the sight of blood.

- Frog blood?

- Yeah, frog blood.

Just give me a few more minutes,

and I'll let you know for sure.

- I am so sure, I already got you a baby present.

- [Kelly] What is it?

- A baby.

- What?

- You know, one of those pooping,

wetting, wah, wah, wah baby dolls?

You'll need the practice, bro.

And from the looks of things,

you might be in for a rough ride.

- [Kelly] What do you mean?

- I mean, the morning sickness, muscle cramps,

swollen feet, backaches, mood swings,

breakouts of acne, and tender nipples.

It says here that the breasts might increase in size!

- You don't suppose I'm gonna like, grow, you know?

- I don't know.

But promise me one thing-

- No.

- If you do-

- Don't even go there. - You'll let me touch them.

- Seriously, Ditto?

- Is that too much to ask from your best friend?

If I had some, I'd let you slap them around.

- You're hopeless.

- Okay, well, what about breathing?

Says here, you got to know how to breathe.

- Well, I've been doing it all my life, so...

- Not like this, you haven't.

Come over here and lay on your back.

Okay, put one pillow under your head-

- All right. - And one under your knees.

- All right.

- Okay.

Stage one is deep chest breathing.

So (inhales) in (exhales) and out.

In. (both inhaling)

And out. (both exhaling)

Magnificent, bro. You got it.

Okay. - Nothing to it.

- Yeah. Stage two is accelerated shallow breathing.

- Okay.

(Kelly loudly breathing)

- It's in through the nose, out through the mouth.

(Kelly loudly breathing)

Yeah, okay, just like that.

Just like that.

Ready?!

Stage three, pant like a dog.

No, no, no, faster like this, like...

(Ditto loudly breathing)

Oh, why, Candy...

Oh, oh, Candy.

Oh, Candy, I want to kiss you.

Oh!

Okay, you ready?!

Stage four!

- "Stage four"?!

- Delivery breathing!

(Ditto grunts) - Ow.

- Push!

(Kelly exhales)

Come on! Just keep blowing out!

Push! Oh, you're dilated!

Oh!

- What am I pushing?

- I don't know. Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

Nurse!

Oh, oh, you're dilated. 10 centimeters.

Okay, here we- - I'm getting dizzy.

- Oh, you're so strong!

You're so strong!

- Ew!

- He's crowning!

Come on!

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

We did it.

(Kelly sighs)

You can rest.

Okay.

Not bad.

(Ditto panting)

(Kelly panting)

- All right, it's time.

Clear means negative.

Blue means all my problems are solved.

(doll clatters) (glass clatters)

I'm a mother!

Woo!

Yeah, yeah! - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Woo! - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

(pages rustling)

- Aw, gross!

She looks like she ate a bowling ball!

- That's because there's a baby in there.

- She ate a baby?

- No. She's gonna give birth to a baby.

- What are those weird lines on her stomach?!

- Those are stretchmarks.

When the baby grows, she gets stretched out.

- Why are you looking at this stupid stuff anyway?

- Why don't you go stick your head in the lawnmower?

- Cost you a dollar.

- That's a bargain, but I don't have it.

- I'll put it on your tab.

(Kelly sighs)

- [Jeff] You got a minute?

- Sure. Come on in.

- What are you studying?

- Just some biology.

- Biology, huh?

I was never very good in biology.

Never very good in school in general.

Maybe that's why I'm so proud of you, son.

Certainly can't take credit for it,

but you are one special kid.

An A student, star pitcher, you never get in any trouble,

and you've never caused me to lose a night's sleep.

I'm just thankful you're my boy.

- Well, I try my best.

- I know you do, son, but all work and no play.

- What do you mean?

- What I mean is, well, in my senior year,

it was the most memorable year of my life.

You could expect the unexpected from me.

Son, just don't get bogged down

with the pressures of school.

Live a little.

Be unique!

Do something a little crazy.

(Kelly chuckles)

In my year, I swallowed 13 goldfish.

School record.

You might not want to do something that extreme.

Of course, you couldn't cause half the stir

that your old man did.

By the way, I talked to your Uncle Theus.

- You did?

- Yeah.

He said you two are doing some secret science project.

- He did?

- Yeah.

That's my boy.

Mr. Conservative.

(Kelly sighs)

♪ Well, it could have been the sea ♪

♪ That kept you in your shell ♪

♪ It could have been the Devil that made your life Hell ♪

♪ It could have been an angel ♪

♪ Who blamed you for losing his wings ♪

♪ Well, it could have been a candle ♪

♪ That just burned to quick ♪

♪ It could have been a stranger taking treats for tricks ♪

♪ It could have been tomorrow that dangled today on a string ♪

♪ Well, it could have been the summer ♪

♪ Could have been the spring ♪

♪ Could have been the rising cost of a ring ♪

♪ Well, it could have been any number of things ♪

♪ But everybody knows it was me ♪

♪ Well, it could have been a brainstorm that blew your mind ♪

♪ It could have been a timeshare that stole your time ♪

♪ It could have been an accident waiting to take control ♪

♪ Well, it could have been a singer that just wanted a hit ♪

♪ It could have been a swinger that swung and missed ♪

♪ It could have been the whether or not to stay or go ♪

♪ Well, it could have been the winter ♪

♪ Could have been the fall ♪

♪ Could have been how you were to pay for it all ♪

♪ Well, it could have been any number of things ♪

♪ But everybody knows it was me ♪

♪ It was me ♪

♪ I'm in love with you still ♪

♪ It was me ♪

♪ I'm in love with you still ♪

♪ It was me ♪

♪ I'm in love with you still ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ You ♪

(door opens)

- Well, well, well.

If it isn't lover boy...

- Please, Bronco, I got to go real bad.

- Oh, you'll go right,

to the hospital if I ever catch you putting

your dirty hands on my girl again.

- Please, just step aside.

- What was that?

Step outside?

You want to step outside with me, do you, loser boy?

- Ow, not the nipples.

It hurts.

- Come on.

(hand tapping) Hit me with your best shot.

Pour it on me.

(jeans zipping)

(urine splashing)

(Kelly sighs)

Why, you little-

- Do I detect the odoriferous presence of smoking tobacco?

- No, sir.

(Bronco sniff)

I don't smell a thing.

Me and the boys here were just talking about

what a smoggy day it was.

Right, boys? - Absolutely, that's right.

- Yes.

So smoggy, in fact, that there is a substantial haze

curiously culminating right here in the boys' bathroom.

- Yes, sir.

Very curious indeed, sir.

Well, we better be get going.

I don't want to miss any of my algebra lessons, you know.

Nice seeing you again, Principal Miller.

- Mm, the pleasure's all mine, boys.

Kelly Hankins, just the person I wanted to see.

- I am?

- Yes. Yes, my boy.

It has come to my attention lately

that your schoolwork has suffered a serious regression.

- Well, my grades have dipped a little.

- "Dipped"?

Boy, they've crashed harder than a bull rider's bottom.

- I'm sorry, sir.

- Kelly, in a class full of chronic underachievers,

you have always been the one bright spot.

The only honor student among a multitude of mental pygmies.

Confide in me.

Tell me, what's wrong?

- Nothing, sir.

- A social problem perhaps?

You know, quite often, such a dramatic reversal

is the result of a lack of self-esteem,

the perception that there's something abnormal,

that you don't quite fit in.

You're not suicidal, are you?

- No, sir.

- Well, see to it that you're not.

I would hate to have my school tarnished

by your thoughtless act.

Still, I have this intuition that there's

something peculiar you're hiding from me.

I can't quite put my finger on it,

but rest assured, sooner or later,

you will not be able to hold it inside you any longer,

and it will burst out of you.

- I'm sure it will, sir.

May I go back to class now?

- You're dismissed.

(Principal Miller sniffing)

(bag rustling)

- 180?

That's 35...

35 pounds in six months?

I mean, I was only supposed to gain 10 pounds

the whole nine months.

Stop gorging, you oinker.

Cut down on the chow or else.

Oh.

What the?

(gentle music)

Oh.

He kicked.

Hey, can you hear me in there?

Listen, that's quite a kick you got there.

I mean, you could make All-State.

What if you're a girl?

You can still make All-State.

People may laugh and point at you, trust me, I know,

might feel scared or deserted,

but I'll always be there for you.

I wouldn't do this for just anyone.

You're special.

If want to sock me one day

because of all this, I understand.

I just want to meet you.

Promise I'll do anything to make that happen.

By the way, forget that crack

about cutting down on the chow.

You're gonna need all your strength to play football.

- Yeah. - Oh, it was disgusting.

- Who would do that? - I can't believe it.

I have no idea.

Oh, my gosh.

Look at this.

Have you ever seen a more pitiful sight?

- He's gone from hot to so not.

- [Brunette Girl] From cool to fool.

- [Dark Haired Girl] From super athletic to Mr. pathetic.

- Well? Lisa?

- Oh.

From hunk to junk.

(girls laughing) - Nice.

Ugh, freakazoid warning at 12 o'clock.

Let's get out of here before he contaminates us.

- Pure awesomeness. (camera snaps)

This one's going viral.

Hey, wait.

- Hey, stranger.

Haven't seen much of you lately.

- Speaking of stranger,

that's what you're becoming more and more of every day.

- What do you mean?

- I mean everyone is talking about you.

What happened to only gaining 10 pounds?

You've become the joke of the entire school.

- I don't care what everyone else thinks.

What do you think?

- I don't know, Kelly.

Part of me thinks you're this special guy for doing this,

but part of me says, "Stay clear.

Danger zone."

- "Stay clear"?

"Danger," really?

You're right about one thing, Lisa, I am a special guy.

I risked it all for you,

and I'll do the same for our baby, with or without you.

The decision's yours.

That's it.

Get those legs up.

Keep it going.

(Kelly sighs)

All right. All right.

We're gonna do some toe touches.

All right.

One, two, three.

All right, that's it.

That's a great class.

I'll see you next month.

(Kelly panting)

- You know, I don't know,

I just don't have the motivation to workout anymore.

- Yeah, you and about a hundred other people.

(Kelly sighs)

- Face it, Ace, you've lost it.

That spring in your step, the fantastic frame,

the pulsating pelvis, gone.

- That's not all I've lost.

Lisa and I broke up.

- Oh, no.

Another abandoned teenage mother.

Just another sad statistic in this depraved society.

Ugh.

(tongue clicking)

What are you gonna do?

- I don't know, Ditto.

I'm just so confused.

I don't know who I am or even what I am.

- I know exactly how you feel.

- When I started this thing, it all felt so right.

I mean, nothing else in the world mattered.

Then when Lisa broke up with me, it just...

I don't know if I can continue on.

- Hey, cheer up, guy.

(Ditto sighs)

It's always darkest before the dawn.

At least it can't get much worse, huh?

- I got fired.

I got fired!

(letter rustles)

- Important information for you,

before you play baseball,

there's one thing you must do

before you're gonna be eligible to play,

and that's a physical.

We have a great nurse.

She's a new nurse. Her name is Zelda.

Really knows her medicine.

But once you pass the physical,

yay, you're ready to be a Bloodhound!

You know?

It's just part of the game.

Just part of the game, part of the process.

So I'd like for you all to (inhales) take a deep breath.

Everybody.

Okay, now get up on your feet,

and exit this way through the medical building.

Go ahead.

Attaboy.

Way to go, guys. (hand patting)

Way to go.

- Please answer following questions

to best of your knowledge.

Age?

- 18.

- Height?

- [Kelly] 5'8".

- [Zelda] Weight?

- A little over 160.

(Zelda sighs)

- Must we weigh you on scale naked?

- 187.4 pounds, exactly.

- Mm-hm.

Have you been experiencing any of following?

Unusual aches, pains,

sudden weight gain, coordination difficulties,

nausea, incontinence,

breathing irregularities, emotional distress?

- No!

- All right.

Remove shirt.

- I'm a little shy.

- Hot damn!

That is biggest one of those I've ever seen.

- Do you want me to put my shirt back on?

- No, no, no.

No.

I am professional, after all.

Where should we put this?

Okay.

That is strange.

I think I hear two heartbeats.

- That's because, um, my heart beats

twice as fast when I'm around you.

- Well, you are a sweet talker, you.

Yes.

You know, I could be charmed

into becoming cougar for you, little lion cub.

- You're out of my league.

- Well, you'll let me know

when you graduate to the majors.

- Gas.

- Do you want my professional medical opinion?

- I guess?

- My professional opinion is

you're pregnant.

Pregnant.

You know, boo, wah.

(Zelda laughs)

The look on your face.

To think that I quit being standup comedian

to become nurse, yeah?

- Uh-huh. - Yes.

(upbeat rock music)

- Hey, Candy.

Thanks for coming to support the team.

- Came to support my knight in shining armor.

- Thanks. I appreciate it.

- You seem down.

- I haven't really been myself lately.

- Well, I've got a little surprise for you,

something to help you warm up before the game.

- What's that?

- A knight always carries a piece

of his damsel's clothing into battle.

Would you do that for me?

- I guess so.

What are you...

- How's that for inspiration?

- I got to go. Okay.

- Batter up.

(lively music)

- Play ball!

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ Batter up ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Your glory days are now a haze ♪

♪ Your peak is far behind you ♪

(Coach Dombrowski groans)

♪ You're trying to recapture that old thrill ♪

♪ When you trip and fall and drop the ball ♪

♪ It's suddenly a reminder ♪

♪ The spirit's strong, but your body's gone downhill ♪

♪ Now you're awake ♪

♪ But it seems you've only been a legend in your dreams ♪

♪ And talent really never got you very far ♪

♪ 'Cause you can't hit, field, or throw ♪

♪ Oh, buddy, there is one thing you should know ♪

♪ You're just a washed-up, broke-down subpar superstar ♪

♪ You know you are, subpar superstar ♪

(singer laughs)

- Time.

- [Umpire] Timeout!

- This clown's crowding the plate.

Give him the brush-back pitch.

(dramatic music)

Better suck it up.

This one's coming down the inside.

- Take your base. - Hey!

Hey!

He threw at him!

(Coach Dombrowski grunts)

Hey!

You ordered a beanball.

- Yeah, should have ordered a pizza.

- When you talk to my team, talk with respect.

- That's not a Butterhill Hound, that's a hippo.

- That's a hippo?

Do you really think that's a hippo?

You don't know what's a good name.

(Coach Dombrowski grunts) - Hey, hey!

- Take it, take it! - Knock it off, Coach.

- [Coach Dombrowski] Take it. Get outta the way!

Take it! - I said knock it off!

- [Coach Dombrowski] Take it, take it.

Take that. Take it.

Take it. Come on.

♪ It's just a faded memory from your youth ♪

(people shouting)

♪ You cough and wheeze, fall to your knees ♪

- Play ball.

♪ But miracles are rare, and that's the truth ♪

♪ Now you've fallen to the curse ♪

♪ It's so sad, you're getting worse ♪

♪ Father Time made you just the way you are ♪

♪ Well, it's time for you to quit ♪

♪ You've got to give it up, you've got to admit ♪

♪ You're just a washed-up, broke-down subpar superstar ♪

♪ You know you are ♪

- Hey, come on!

Run!

Run!

♪ Here's the truth, you're a super flop ♪

- [Umpire] You're out!

You're out! (crowd groaning)

(ball taps)

(crowd jeering) You're out too!

(Coach Dombrowski groans)

- God! No!

Man!

(Coach Dombrowski groans)

(singer laughs)

♪ Yeah ♪

That was the worst exhibition

of sissyball I have ever witnessed.

Cowall, what kind of a tag is that?

Arnelli?

My mother can field better than you.

And Hankins, Hankins,

there are no words to describe your performance.

I came to school, and they told me to expect something big.

But I didn't expect it to be your stomach.

Good lord, man, you throw like a girl.

Have you looked in the mirror lately?

You're starting to grow female accessories.

You, up, now!

Are you wearing these now?

Where did you get it?

- No, sir, I'm not.

- Well, I'm a good coach.

I'm gonna give them back to you.

Have a seat. - Sure, thank you.

- Well, you're gonna pay.

Every one of you is gonna pay.

There is no Mr. Nice Guy.

This honeymoon is over!

- I want a divorce.

- Where is your Bloodhound pride?!

I want everybody to hit the showers

and wash that miserable performance off your bodies.

Hankins, I want you to get down here and give me 20 pushups.

That'll keep you busy for two hours.

Right here. Go!

Right here. Right here.

There you go, buddy.

Okay, go!

Right now. Up, up, up, up!

Go! Shower time.

Go! (Coach Dombrowski whistles)

Go!

Run!

Oh, I love baseball.

(gentle music)

(Milton sighs)

(tongue clicking)

- How the mighty have fallen.

- Go away, Milton.

- Or what?

You're gonna jump up and run me down?

Hmm? I think not!

I've watched you run and jump today, and, oh, it's pitiful.

Simply pitiful!

What's going on with you anyway?

Come on, you can tell me.

We've been buds since kindergarten.

- "Buds"?

I think not.

- All right.

Be that way.

But (sniffs) the nose knows something is going on,

and I will be your worst nightmare.

(Kelly sighs)

- 196?

I don't believe this.

- Stretchmarks.

Stretchmarks!

- Jimmy, quiet!

- You're going to have a baby!

- Jimmy, no. (bodies tumbling)

- Get off my face!

You're killing me!

I can't breathe!

- [Kelly] Then keep quiet.

- Okay, okay!

I saw it in your book.

You're going to have a baby.

- It's not what you think.

I ate a bowling ball.

- What?! - No, no.

It was a science project,

and they pumped my stomach full of air.

You know, like a balloon, see?

It's just that Mom and Dad can't know, all right?

It's secret, you understand?

- All I understand is cash.

And boy, this is gonna take plenty of it.

- I'm broke. What do you want from me?

I mean, give me a break.

I'll do anything. Anything you want.

- I want collateral.

- Take my goldfish.

- I don't want your goldfish.

- [Kelly] Then what?

- I want your car.

- What? - You heard me.

I want your car.

It's the only thing you own that's worth a nickel to me.

I want to hold onto it until you pay off your debt.

- But that's blackmail.

I mean, you can't make me pay ransom on my own car.

I'll wring your neck, you little-

- Mom, Dad! - Shh, shh, shh.

- I can, and I will.

(Kelly sighs) Keys, please.

(keys jingling)

- How am I supposed to get around, maintain my image?

I mean, come on, where's your brotherly love?

- Yeah, a guy's lost without wheels.

Don't worry, bro, I won't leave you hanging.

(keys jingling)

(upbeat rock music)

(drumsticks tapping)

- [Kelly] I got it. I got it.

- [Boy In Gray] Listen, dude, this ain't working.

- Do you want me to cut the spin out?

- It's not the spin that needs to be cut, it's the spinner.

- What are you saying, are you gonna cut me out

of the band I started?

- Well, like, it's just this year,

we have a good shot at playing the prom,

but the kids have got to vote us in and, well...

- Yeah, right now, I'm the one holding you back.

- Maybe if we practice more.

- No, no.

It's just not something you can practice out of.

- [Boy In Gray] All right, let's go.

(drumsticks tapping)

- What is this stuff?

Pretty sure it's just growing new stretchmarks.

♪ I'm here ♪

♪ Going down in flames ♪

♪ Tail spinning, she's to blame ♪

♪ I'm here ♪

♪ I'm outta control ♪

♪ Falling in love, falling hard, you know ♪

(Kelly sighs)

Hello?

- Hey, stranger.

- Lisa.

Oh, god, Lisa, it's so good to hear your voice.

- Yeah, I've missed yours too.

Can we meet some time to talk?

- Absolutely. Anytime, anywhere, right now.

- Okay.

Bell tower, 15 minutes?

- I'm on my way.

And, Lisa, I love you.

♪ I'll say I'm sorry for the third time ♪

♪ I mean it now ♪

♪ I swear, I'll change my ways ♪

(thunder crackles)

♪ And I feel so small ♪

♪ From the weight of it all ♪

♪ Without you, girl ♪

♪ I reach for you more than ever ♪

(doors rattling)

(thunder crackles) Lisa!

♪ Never alone ♪

♪ Even if I'm miles away, so far from home ♪

(thunder crackles)

Lisa! (thunder crackles)

(Kelly grunts) (window shatters)

♪ 'Cause I'm so sad, you see ♪

♪ I miss everything about you, girl ♪

(Kelly grunts)

(bell clangs)

♪ One day, I'll be back before you know it now ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ You'll never be alone ♪

(lock clacks)

(rain pattering)

- Oh, you're soaked.

Take off this sweatshirt.

Here.

Put this on. It'll keep you warm.

- But won't your father-

- He'll never know.

Besides, I have a confession to make.

- Well, this is the right place.

Tell me, child, what is your sin?

- Hmm.

I have made a boy pregnant.

- Do you plan to do the right thing?

- Yes, I do.

I want my baby back.

- What?

- I want my baby back.

This isn't working, Kelly.

It was a crazy idea to even begin with.

- Speaking of crazy ideas, Lisa,

I'm eight and a half months pregnant.

You don't just switch a baby back and forth.

- Well, you switched it with me!

- Yeah, that was different, it was just a little speck then,

and now it's a monster.

- Don't you call my baby a monster.

If anybody here is a monster, it's you,

you crazy sci-fi experiment.

You're breaking all the laws of nature,

and I want my baby back.

- Yeah?

Well, you can't have him.

I know my rights.

Possession's 9/10 of the law, and I'm possessed, baby!

- You need professional help.

- You're violating my inalienable rights.

Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of childbearing.

I'll take you to the Supreme Court.

I'll sue for maternity, paternity, custody, and lustody.

- You've lost it, big time!

- Every night, I lay in bed,

and my legs cramp like burnt pretzels,

my back feels like a linebacker hit me,

and my feet hurt so bad, I'd rather walk over hot coals.

And what do I get in reward for all my pain and suffering?

I get to throw up every night into the toilet.

I've lost my car, my job, my body, my friends, my grades.

How can anyone in their right mind give up all that again?

Never, never!

Give me pregnancy, or give me death!

- You've cracked!

(door opens)

- Lisa.

(mud spatters)

(car rumbling)

Lisa!

(thunder crackles)

Lisa!

Lisa!

♪ Lost is where I'll be on this midnight drive ♪

♪ Without knowing where I'm going ♪

(hand knocking)

What?

- It's Dad. Breakfast is ready.

- I'm not hungry.

- Am I hearing correctly?

Did you say you weren't hungry?

- Yeah. I'm just trying to lose a few pounds.

- What's that you're working on?

- Just a song.

- For whom? The band that you no longer belong to?

- For anyone, I guess.

I seem to write some of my best stuff when I'm feeling down.

- Kelly, son, if you need to talk about something,

you know the old man is a pretty good listener.

- Yeah.

Thanks, Dad, but I just...

I can't.

- All right.

But when you're ready, I'll be here, son.

- Thanks, Dad.

- [Jeff] I love you.

- I love you too.

- You change your mind, food's out in the kitchen.

(gentle jazz music)

- I can't wait until tomorrow.

- Why tomorrow?

- Because I get better looking every day.

I mean, is this the ultimate or what?

- You're looking good.

- "Good"?

I rock!

What girl could resist this eye candy?

- [Salesman] Does this meet with your approval, sir?

- Nah.

It's not quite me.

I need something more.

- Hm.

- What about my friend here?

What could you fix him up with?

(salesman chuckles)

- A circus?

(salesman laughs)

- I mean something to wear.

Something stylish, but also down to earth.

- A tent maybe.

(salesman laughs)

- Come on, Kelly, this isn't the only tux shop in town.

(salesman laughs)

(upbeat rock music)

Let's try in here.

- Are you crazy?

That's for pregnant women.

- Hey, you're halfway home.

Come on.

(bell jingles)

Dude.

Dude.

50% off.

(gentle guitar music)

- What are you- - Take a little look-see.

Here, just relax. You know?

(Ditto grunts)

How do they feel? - Get your minds

out of the gutter and your filthy paws off the delicates.

- Sorry, sir.

We were just looking for Mom.

- I'm Mom.

- Of course you are.

And how long until you're expecting?

- Expecting what?

- Expecting the next shipment of bras

and panties to come in.

(Mom sighs)

- Tell me you're not here for the panties.

- Actually, we're just looking

for some formal wear suitable for a dance.

- Preferably with some pants.

- Oh, couldn't imagine it without.

- See? I told you we came to the right place.

- Would this be for your mother?

Sister?

- Mother. - Sister.

- I see.

How far along is she?

- She's pretty far.

- How big is she?

- Pretty big.

- Look, I would have to have

more precise measurements, okay?

- Then take fatso here.

He's pretty close to what my mom, his sister, looks like.

(Mom chuckles)

- I can't resist seeing where this goes.

Move.

Come here, fatso.

Okay.

Here we go.

Wow.

(Mom sighs)

Let me see what I have in the back.

Wow.

- My mother, your sister?

I mean, seriously?

Dude, let's just get outta here.

- Just chill, man.

We're making definite progress.

- Yeah.

(Mom sighs)

- You're in luck.

My debutante dress.

- Yes!

- No. - Yes, it's stunning.

- It's not really what I had in mind.

- Well, let us not be hasty in our decision.

I think this outfit has a lot of interesting possibilities.

I mean, to be fairly judged,

I think you've got to try it on.

- What?

- [Mom] Go for it.

- Certainly, to be sure of the fit and match and so on.

- The dressing rooms are to your right.

Oh, I'm getting my camera.

- No. - Let's just see how it looks.

No one will ever know.

Oh.

Ravishing.

Simply ravishing.

Why, if I didn't already have a date, I would-

- Stop it, Ditto.

I mean, (sighs) got to say, it is stunning,

but I'm not gonna do it.

(Ditto sighs)

What? I'm not wearing this to prom!

- Vandalous juvenile delinquents.

If I ever find out who's responsible for this,

oh, Lord, bring forth your righteous indignation

and turn him into a pillar of salt.

(Reverend Weld grunts)

(Reverend Weld sighs)

- [Lisa] Daddy?

- Lisa, sweetheart, what are you doing here?

- Nothing, I just sort of had this question

that's been bothering me for a while.

- Well, of course, of course.

You know you can always come to me for the answers.

So, speak up.

What is it?

Speak.

- Okay. - Just speak.

- Okay.

- Speak up.

- Well, what if there's this person

who's doing a huge favor for someone,

even though it's causing him a lot of suffering to do it,

should the person receiving the favor

come forward and confess,

even though she may be horribly murdered?

(Reverend Weld laughs)

(Reverend Weld sighs)

- You know, I see right through this charade, little lady.

- You do? - Oh, yes.

I can just imagine the fine mess

you've gotten yourself into.

- You can?

- Lisa, kids have the same problems today

as they did when I was growing up.

I know you think you're the only person in the world

this has happened to, but, I assure you, you're not.

Lisa, the same thing happened to me when I was a teenager.

- It did?

- Mm-hm. Yeah.

Oh.

I still remember doing all of those extra homework papers

for my friends so they too would get good grades.

- What?

- That's it, right?

- What? - The homework?

- I- - Lisa, you are so kind.

You are so giving.

Don't let people take advantage of you.

My advice to you,

tell your friends to do their own homework.

- Sure, Daddy. I will.

- Just know I always have the answers for you.

Take care, sweetie.

Let them do their homework.

Oh, kids today,

one crisis after another.

- What the?!

Get! Get, get, get!

(Principal Miller groans)

(Principal Miller sighs)

Milton, this better be good.

- Oh.

(Principal Miller sighs)

(suspicious music)

- Interesting.

Very interesting, Milton.

You may stand at ease.

- Thank you, sir.

I can tell there is something

quite extraordinary about Kelly Hankins.

I've compiled several pages of behavior

which are extremely suspicious.

Oh, I believe that some snitch-worthy material

will pop out on him very soon.

- Excellent work, Milton.

See to it that you're there to uncover the story.

I will have no scandal in my school go unexposed.

- What are you going to the prom for anyway?

You're too fat to dance, and you haven't even got a date!

- I'm going for the principle.

- You have a date with Principal Miller?!

- No, stupid, I'm going because I won't let anyone

or anything stop me from doing what I want.

Kelly Hankins runs his own race.

- Kelly Hankins is too fat to walk, much less run.

Where'd you get that screwball outfit from anyway?

- The costume store.

It was only tux that fit.

Now, come over and help me with my shoes.

I want to make sure my outfit doesn't clash.

- Pfft.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Beware of the man whose middle name is Danger ♪

♪ Danger ♪

♪ He has no friends, no, he couldn't be stranger ♪

♪ So be warned ♪

♪ You mess with The Shadow, you mess with our town ♪

♪ Bye-bye ♪

♪ You mess with The Shadow, he's gonna take you down ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, you're done ♪

♪ You're going down, yeah ♪

(Kelly sighs)

(gentle music)

♪ All out of excuses ♪

♪ 'Cause I've never, no, I've never been so wrong ♪

♪ All those things I should have said ♪

♪ The noise fills my head ♪

♪ And how I miss, miss your sweet song ♪

♪ Tell me ♪

(car horn honking)

♪ How long, how long ♪

♪ How long will your name leave me in pieces ♪

♪ Tell me how long, how long ♪

♪ How long till your heart forgets mine completely ♪

♪ How long ♪

- [Kelly] Hey, Principal Miller, Nurse Zelda.

- [Principal Miller] Hey. Buenos noches, Senor Hankins.

- Meow.

- [Principal Miller] You're looking quite

festive this evening.

- Ay caramba.

- Would you like some punch, Nurse Zelda?

- That sounds mouthwatering.

♪ I'm alone and I'm a fool ♪

(Principal Miller sniffs)

♪ So sure we were forever ♪

♪ Was I wrong, was I confused ♪

♪ You see, I lost my way ♪

♪ And I lost my faith ♪

♪ Yeah, I lost everything ♪

- Exquisite threads, my man.

I'm totally envious of how well your tie and shoes match.

- You look pretty good too, Ditto.

- Just a little spur of the moment thing

that I threw together.

Did you recognize the glorious creature that walked by?

- No.

What glorious creature?

- The one with the big, pink orchid.

Yeah?

- Guess I didn't notice.

- Well, every other jockstrap neanderthal in here did.

It's Lisa.

You remember?

Your ex?

Previous passion?

- She's looking kinda sickly, don't you think?

- "Sickly"?

(hand patting) Sure, Kel.

She's falling apart without you.

Hey! Debbie!

Debbie. Debbie.

Why don't you take this poor, sad soul

out onto the dance floor and check for signs of life?

There you go. Okay.

Attagirl. Thank you, Debbie.

Nurse.

♪ The Shadow, he never makes a sound ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ Never see The Shadow until he takes you down ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, you're done ♪

♪ You're going down, yeah ♪

(car rumbling) (tires screeching)

- You guys sound great.

- Thanks, Kelly.

Sorry you couldn't be a part of this.

- Yeah, I was hoping, for old time's sake,

that you guys would just,

I don't know, play this song with me?

- Sure. - Yeah, okay.

(gentle guitar music)

♪ Do you know how it feels ♪

♪ Do you know what it's like ♪

♪ Nothing goes how it's planned ♪

♪ No one's left on your side ♪

♪ I keep on waiting for you to come back around ♪

♪ I keep on trying to figure out ♪

♪ Where did I go wrong ♪

♪ How did this happen ♪

♪ Where did we go wrong ♪

♪ My whole world is crashing ♪

♪ If you love me like you said you did ♪

♪ Then how'd we get to this ♪

♪ Where did I go wrong ♪

♪ Where did we go wrong ♪

♪ I thought we wanted the same ♪

♪ Maybe you're just too scared ♪

♪ I try and handle the pain ♪

♪ But guess you want it that way ♪

♪ I keep on waiting for you to come back around ♪

♪ I keep on trying to figure out ♪

♪ Where did I go wrong ♪

♪ How did this happen ♪

♪ Where did I go wrong ♪

♪ My whole world is crashing ♪

♪ If you love like you said you did ♪

♪ Then how'd we get to this ♪

♪ So where did I go wrong ♪

♪ Where did we go wrong ♪

♪ I will be here even though you're scared ♪

♪ And treat me this way ♪

♪ 'Cause I said I'll always love you ♪

♪ And that won't ever change ♪

♪ Where did I go wrong ♪

♪ How did this happen ♪

♪ Where did I go wrong ♪

♪ My whole world is crashing ♪

♪ If you love me like you said you did ♪

♪ Then how'd we get to this ♪

♪ So where did I go wrong ♪

♪ Where did we go wrong ♪

(students applauding) (students chattering)

- Attention, attention.

Students.

Attention.

Move.

Settle down, people.

Settle down.

Well, I trust we are all enjoying the evening

like responsible, mature adults.

(student farts)

(students laughing)

At this time, it is my honor to announce

this year's valedictorian!

Now, we always take into consideration

the grades and contributions

throughout all four years here at Butterhill High.

And while this particular individual

may have crashed and burned late in the year,

the award still goes to Kelly Hankins!

(students applauding)

Yay.

Congratulations, Kelly, and we look forward to hearing

your words of wisdom at the graduation ceremonies.

And now, the backward dance!

So, ladies, grab a partner other than your own!

Woo! Woo!

Raise the thing.

(students chattering)

♪ Don't look away ♪

♪ Please ♪

- You're my choice, lover boy.

- [Kelly] What are you doing?

(alcohol splashing)

- Hey, Bronco, don't look now,

but there's a bee on your flower.

(long-haired boy chuckles) - Yeah, man.

It's like he's trying to get some honey for his stinger.

- Yeah. (short-haired boy chuckles)

(Candy screams)

- Something poked me!

- Ditto?! - You perverted slime!

- [Kelly] Ditto!

(Bronco groans)

- He's- - What?!

- He is pregnant!

(students gasping) Yeah, that's right,

Kelly Hankins is gonna to have a baby!

(Milton laughs)

(students chattering)

- [Ditto] Hey. Come on.

- Extra, extra, read all about it.

Baby boom at Butterhill High.

How does it feel to be Milton's mamaboy?

- He's probably after the Pulitzer Prize.

I mean, can you believe this?

Can you believe the slanderous things he's saying about me?

- They're all true, aren't they?

- That's besides the point.

I mean, he doesn't have to make it sound so unusual.

- Yeah, he takes an ordinary story

and tries to sensationalize it.

Are you ever planning to visit the outside world again?

'Cause if you're not, I sure could use your baseball mitt.

- Just because a guy likes to spend

a couple of days alone in his room

doesn't mean that he's looking to join a monastery.

And besides, I like spending time with, uh, my goldfish.

- Yeah, that goldfish is the only social life

you'll be seeing for a while.

Sorry to interrupt your date.

Don't forget about the mitt.

- Yeah.

(Kelly sighs) (door closes)

(hand knocking)

You can't have my mitt, you vulture!

(dart clatters)

- Really wasn't interested in your mitt.

But maybe your car.

- Sorry, Dad, too late.

- I just had a long talk with your Uncle Theus,

and he told me everything.

Son, I've never had a reason

to be anything other than proud of you,

and I want you to know that that still stands.

- But, Dad, aren't you ashamed when you walk down the street

and people point and whisper,

"There goes the father of that mamaboy"?

"Eighth wonder of the world."

"Freak of nature."

- Is that what you think?

Son, that couldn't be further from the truth.

The man upstairs, he asked you for a big favor,

one with tremendous sacrifice, and you haven't let him down.

And you've never let me down.

- It's a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.

I mean, I could never imagine doing this a second time.

Mothers are amazing.

- Aren't they though?

Family's going to be going to church this morning.

Will you be joining us?

- Pretty sure if I showed my face at church,

Reverend Weld would go ballistic.

I mean, I must have broken every religious rule in the book.

- Ah.

I've never been a fan of religious rules.

"Do this, do that, do this, do that."

By the time you're done, you're nothing but a big doo-doo.

(Kelly chuckles)

Look, we don't have all the answers, son.

But I do know this,

God, he has a plan and a purpose for you.

And no matter what you go through in life,

you need not be afraid,

because all things work together for good.

God's got your back, so do I. (hand patting)

- Thanks, Dad.

Life just seems a lot less scary inside my room.

- You know, Kelly, you could probably live in your room

for the rest of your life,

and nothing bad would ever happen to you.

But then again, son,

nothing good would ever happen to you either.

(Theus grunting)

(spoon tapping)

- Buon appetito, furry little pregnant friend.

Uncle Theus has made your favorite...

Oh.

Oh.

(gentle organ music)

♪ Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war ♪

♪ With the cross of Jesus, going on before ♪

- Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

- You think?!

Reverend Weld's gonna give you so much heat,

I'm gonna melt just sitting next to you.

(Kelly sighs)

- Maybe I should just wait outside, you know?

♪ Onward, Christian soldiers ♪ (door opens)

♪ Marching as to... ♪

(dramatic music)

- My dear brothers and sisters,

throughout the ages, God has taught us many lessons,

but none more dramatic

than the judgment that follows perverse immorality.

In the times of the pharaohs,

God brought forth great plagues upon the Egyptian people.

And in Sodom and Gomorrah,

he devastated with fire and brimstone.

And in the time of Noah, he destroyed the whole world!

God will damn the wicked!

Now it is our duty, as God-fearing Christian soldiers,

to terminate the indecency,

to eradicate the vermin that shame us before our maker,

to seek and destroy all that is unholy!

Now, me, I am a mild-mannered, peace-loving person,

but I have to tell you,

my blood boils when I start to see

how some of our young people are keeping company

with the Prince of Darkness.

Yeah, they are dancing with the Devil,

they are playing rock music with the Devil,

they are sleeping with the Devil,

and now, they have fornicated with the Devil!

One of our very own has sold his soul to Satan,

and now, he is carrying Satan's child!

(churchgoers gasping)

- Now, wait a minute, Reverend!

- No, there is no minute to wait.

We must exorcize the demon from within.

Good Christian soldiers, bring the lost soul forward.

Hold on to him tight, boys.

Remember how strong the demon is possessed.

- Daddy, wait.

- Oh, Lisa, I'm so glad you're here, honey.

Please, just hold his head like that.

You know, make sure it doesn't start spinning around.

(Reverend Weld panting)

I call upon you, in the name of God, begone, Satan!

Please release him from eternal damnation!

I need the help of the whole congregation.

Please, Satan, go back to Hell!

Go back to Hell! - Go back to Hell!

- [Churchgoers] Go back to Hell!

Go back to Hell!

Go back to Hell!

Go back to Hell!

Go back to Hell!

Go back to Hell!

Go back to Hell!

Go back to Hell!

Go back to Hell!

- Oh, God, please, show us you've heard!

Bring us a miracle.

Give us a sign!

(window shatters)

Holy crap, son of a bitch.

(door opens)

- A sign.

It's a sign.

But did you get the message?

Hm? Did you get the message?

You don't have to be afraid.

You don't have to be afraid of God.

You don't have to be afraid of Satan.

You don't have to be afraid of your neighbors

or people far away from you.

Look, I'm just a scientist, I'm not a religious person,

but I know that God, right, is love.

He loves you.

He loves you and you.

I suppose God even loves you.

But right now, God loves Kelly Hankins most of all.

If that's how God feels,

who are we to disagree?

How you doing?

You okay?

Come on.

Let's get outta here.

This place gives me the heebie-jeebies, man.

(Theus sighs)

I haven't been in there in 20 years,

and I'm gonna give it another 20.

- Thanks for the rescue, Uncle Theus.

I mean, you're a lifesaver.

- Or a taker.

- What?

- Better you should see.

I'll show you. Come on.

Let's go.

- You're not gonna make me be a guineapig

in one of your experiments again, are you?

What's wrong?

- "What's wrong"?

Everything.

I've put you in grave danger, all to satisfy my curiosity.

- But I'm fine.

- For how long?

We are in uncharted territory.

We must end the experiment.

- What if I don't want to?

- The consequences could be unthinkable.

Look, the decision is yours.

- I need some time alone.

(Theus sighs)

(Theus sighs)

- [Churchgoers] Go back to Hell!

Go back to Hell! - The decision is yours.

- Go back to Hell! - One of our very own

has sold his soul to Satan. - Go back to Hell!

- [Lisa] You've cracked!

- Go back to Hell! - I've put you

in grave danger. - Go back to Hell!

Go back to Hell!

(ominous music)

(salesman laughs)

- Hey. - Get outta here!

- Hit me with your best shot. - Mamaboy.

- It'll burst out of you. - One bad decision

after the next.

You stop that.

You can't get away from me that easily.

- Mama.

(Kelly screams)

(doll head clatters) (Kelly panting)

(hand knocking)

- Kelly!

You about ready?

I pressed your gown and...

Kelly, you're still in bed.

- I'm just not feeling too good.

- But, dear, it's graduation day, and the whole family-

- I'm sorry, Mom.

I don't think I can make it.

- Jeff?

Kelly's not feeling very well.

- [Jeff] Rough night, son?

- Nightmare.

- Your mother says you're sick.

- No, not really.

I'm just scared.

Guess I'm just a coward.

I mean, I've been praying to make this all go away,

but I just don't think God listens to me.

- God listens.

He just doesn't always say yes.

Kelly, even the best starting pitcher

occasionally needs a reliever to come in and take over.

Son, maybe you've been holding that ball

too tight for too long.

Why don't you put that in God's hands,

and let him decide the next pitch?

Trust him.

- All right, Dad, I will.

But we're gonna need a miracle to win this one.

(Jeff chuckles)

- Well, you just happened to be in luck, son,

because God is in the miracle business.

And if you don't want to go to graduation, it's all right.

The ones that love you, they'll understand.

Now is there anything I can get you?

- On your way out there,

you might want to stop by a travel agency.

Pick up a ticket for Africa.

One way. (Jeff chuckles)

- Business or coach?

(Kelly chuckles)

- First class.

(audience applauding)

- Sandra L. Paxson.

(audience applauding)

Kelly R. Hankins.

(audience applauding)

Not present.

- I don't blame him for not showing up.

- Wendy K. Brownshire. - It's all my fault.

Just a moment of temporary insanity.

- Candice J. Cotton. (audience cheering)

Ditto Moore.

(audience applauding)

(hands slapping)

- We did it.

We did it - Milton Vanderblack.

(people applauding)

Bartholomew B. Winterbottom, III.

(audience applauding)

Lisa G. Weld.

(audience cheering)

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

our graduating class of Butterhill High.

(audience cheering)

At this time, we would normally hear

from our class valedictorian.

However, due to unforeseen circumstances,

this year's speaker is not present.

In his place, I would like to comment

on these fine, responsible, mature, young adults.

(student farts)

(audience laughing)

You need to see a doctor, young lady.

Settle down.

As these leaders of tomorrow begin their journey

through the maze of life,

they will find their most memorable years were spent

with me here at Butterhill High.

I molded them and painstakingly shaped them into,

what I believe, will be this- (door opens)

Generation's, uh, next, uh...

Kelly Hankins.

I mean, it looks like Kelly Hankins,

our class valedictorian, is with us after all.

I don't know how.

So, ladies and gentlemen, your valedictorian,

Mr. Kelly R. Hankins.

(audience applauding)

- Thank you, Principal Miller, for those inspiring words.

(Kelly sighs)

I would now like to give my valedictorian speech.

Friends and relatives, teachers and fellow students,

today we leave the safety of the lives we've known

as Butterhill High School students,

and we venture into the world

of uncertainty and possibilities.

We will face challenges,

the likes of which we could have never dreamed,

and the way in which we respond will be

forever embedded into our character.

Any great challenge will initially scare you to death.

Fear of failure, ridicule,

embarrassment, fear of losing friends,

fear of losing loved ones, and fear of death.

Do not be afraid to go out on a limb,

because that is where the fruit is.

You must learn and grow by doing what you are afraid of.

I was recently enslaved by fear.

It robbed me of my joy, stole precious moments of my life,

and chipped away at my character.

Fear let me down a path of destructiveness,

and nearly convinced me to destroy another's.

Fear held its hand to the throat of possibly

the next great theologian,

or dedicated educator,

or future Hall of Fame athlete.

President Roosevelt once told us

we have nothing to fear but fear itself.

And I, for one, will no longer bow to the influence of fear.

And it is my hope that you will stand up and join me

in facing your fears.

And though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no...

I will fear no...

No, um...

I will fear no...

(body thuds)

(people gasping) - Kelly!

- It's time.

I'm time!

- Kelly!

Stage four!

Stage four. Breathe!

(Ditto loudly breathing) (people chattering)

(gentle music)

- [Kelly] I must be dead.

I see an angel.

- No, Kelly, it's me. Lisa.

- [Kelly] Same thing.

What happened?

- You collapsed.

We nearly lost you.

- Where's my baby?

- Congratulations, Mom, it's a boy.

- Boy.

He's perfect.

No horn-rimmed glasses or anything.

(baby coos)

Nothing could ever top this.

- I wouldn't be so sure.

(baby cooing)

This one's a girl.

- A girl?

Two?

How am I ever gonna handle two?

- How are we going to?

- "We"?

- I told my father about us.

- You did?

I'm sorry everything turned out so bad.

- "Bad"?

No, no.

Everything turned out good.

Now, I know how much my father really loves me.

You're my hero.

And from now on, I'm not gonna be scared of anyone

or anything as long as I have you.

Can you get up?

- Yeah. - There's something

I want to show you.

(crowd cheering)

- [Crowd] Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

- All the way!

- [Crowd] Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

- They're all behind you,

letting you know you made the right choice.

(crowd cheering)

They love you, Kelly.

- What about you?

- Well, I've got a heavy hankering for you, Kelly Hankins.

(gentle guitar music)

♪ I am praying for the answers to these questions ♪

♪ These sleepless nights go on and on ♪

♪ I feel like I'm running away from the truth ♪

♪ Ignoring everything I know ♪

♪ And everyone, oh, everyone I love ♪

(upbeat rock music)

♪ I was just a boy, I didn't know any better ♪

♪ The thoughts of my future and all its demons ♪

♪ In life, now I search for constant reason ♪

♪ To get out of my bed ♪

♪ Listen to the voice inside my head ♪

♪ Trying to tell me to ♪

♪ Cope with all these different standards ♪

♪ Playing life to please the crowd ♪

♪ It's hard when there's too much to handle ♪

♪ Hope to turn this life around ♪

♪ In light, you will find me ♪

♪ Hold on tight, through the night, I am yours ♪

♪ Take me back home, safely, I'll go ♪

♪ Back to my bed with these thoughts of anger ♪

♪ Confused and spinning around my head ♪

♪ You know, it's true, I think i get it ♪

♪ I'm not the man that you intended ♪

♪ Round and round, it's plain to see ♪

♪ This road I'm on is killing me ♪

♪ Cope with all these different standards ♪

♪ Playing life to please the crowd ♪

♪ It's hard when there's too much to handle ♪

♪ Hope to turn this life around ♪

♪ In light, you will find me ♪

♪ Hold on tight, through the night, I am yours ♪

♪ In light, you will find me ♪

♪ Hold on tight, through the night, I am yours ♪

♪ In light, you will find me ♪

♪ Hold on tight, through the night, I am yours ♪

♪ I am yours ♪ ♪ In light ♪

♪ You will find ♪

♪ You will find me ♪ ♪ Hold on tight ♪

♪ Hold on tight ♪ ♪ Hold on tight ♪

♪ Through the night ♪

♪ I am yours ♪ ♪ In light ♪

♪ In light ♪ ♪ You will find ♪

♪ You will find me ♪ ♪ Hold on tight ♪

♪ Hold on tight ♪ ♪ Hold on tight ♪

♪ Through the night, I am yours ♪

♪ In light ♪ ♪ You will find ♪

♪ You will find me ♪ ♪ Hold tight ♪

♪ Hold on tight ♪ ♪ Hold on tight ♪

♪ Through the night, I am yours ♪

♪ You'll never understand what you do to me ♪

♪ Just one touch, feel your heart beating next to me ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been waiting for so long ♪

♪ Just to see you leave ♪

♪ So don't leave me ♪

♪ Trust me, baby, I'll be your everything ♪

♪ Just one kiss, one smile, girl, you make me sing ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been waiting for so long ♪

♪ Just to see you leave ♪

♪ So don't leave me ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm crazy for you, yeah ♪