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Lana

Will you be my wife

I'll make you the happiest boy

I'll make me the happiest girl

Everybody's looking I feel sick

Can you please just say something

[ It's so important to make someone happy ]

[ Make just one somebody happy ]

[Make just one heart to heart you... ]

[...you care for ]

[A smile that cheers you... ]

[A face that lights when near you]

[ Then love could possibly find you... ]

Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie!

That's what I used to say to Charlie

But he’s dead now, he's dead.

I used to sort of do the whistle and the (claps)

He'd always come and sort of lick my right knee

But he is dead now.

(Phone rings)

Hello there Vacuum Customer Complaints Helpline this is Alex speaking how can I help?

(muffled phone conversation)

Okay sir

How much of the child is actually stuck within the unit itself?

the main unit

(muffled phone conversation)

Three thirds, three thirds...

His whole arm sir, okay...

Hello sir are you still there?

He just hung up

People don't always realise unfortunately

how dangerous vacuum cleaners can be

killing machines

as we've just experienced

obviously we hope he's not dead

(birds cheeping)

So this is my collection of DVDs

So I'm just gonna quickly tell you my absolute favourites

now you can probably tell because

I've got two of them

Superb.

No other words that can describe the performances.

And they obviously fall in love

The thing is with thing one is separation is key.

Remember cause he's in Seattle

and she's the other side of America

so it's always separation which is key

and obviously they fall in love because of it.

(Exhales)

Let me show you one of my favourite cookery books

This is the serious Saturday lunch for eight

Of course, I can scale that back for one

very easily

of course... it's not too much trouble

You know it's sort of... two medium onions finely sliced for example

sort of

one onion for four

I suppose half an onion for two

and just... quarter of an onion

(cutlery clinking)

ah Mum

D'ya get your leaflet babe?

You mean the one you just put through the letter box?

I've never done nothing I've been getting the washing out

Mum will you stop coming through the back door!

What you on about? For God's sake

Everytime

Have a look

No one's allowed to mess him about like I do

you know and if otherwise I'll have 'em

definitely

Right hunny let's get this dating website thing

Name

Male

Yeh..

Travel.. right where do you like to travel?

Well I don't like travelling Mum it's not..

I've told you, you know that I don't like travelling

You do like travelling we went to Pontin's

Skegness! That's not travelling that's North East of England

Okay.. Film..

Well obviously again Sleepless in Seattle

You've Got Mail

And Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!

(sings) Bang bang chitty chitty bang bang

(sings) Our fine four faithful friend!

That's for kids.

Okay, right what are you gonna say to her?

I'll say "Hi I'm Alex"

"How are you?"

They'll say "how are you" and then

I'll say... cause I thought about this.. cause I'm

a rare blood type of AB negative I thought

I'll say "are you also the AB negative?"

He hasn't had sex but who cares

that makes him a nice guy maybe he'll do it right the first time

it's er.... I don't know because

Something I haven't said I've actually got a condition

where sometimes I can faint in rooms of people, lots and lots of people so

sometimes I have a tendency to

I'm really sorry to interrupt but

I just saw your badge I was just wondering are you going to the speed dating as well?

Is it in there?

Yes! Are you going in?

Yeah! Well I plan to

What's with all the TV crew are you like a reality TV star?

No actually they're making a documentary about me finding love

Oh! They're taking you speed dating I get it

Cool well

Good luck

Thank you

See you in there Good luck

Um, I've got a fun fact as well.

Yeah.. A fun fact..

Go ahead.

Did you know that gas... ...doesn't actually have a smell?

Surely gas has...

Yes, yes, yes, yes. So when was your last boyfriend?

So...How did you find it?

Really good... really really good, yeah

very good.. lots of attractive females

nice banter.. so it's good..

good...

Should we do this again then?

Yes, yes...

Definitely.

definitely again yes I think so

Great, great time..

This is Fatlana

and just like here

there are over one hundred million single women

in Russia and Eastern Europe

Here at BridesRUs.com

we help you find one of them

beautiful women from Eastern Europe and Russia

are looking for responsible, reliable and employed men to marry

and to have a family with.

Men, you don't have to be rich

but you are expected to

provide a home...

furnish her with adequate romance

and you must be able to afford basic activities

in order to maximise the potential of your future together.

Sign up now.

Your future is only one click away!

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[cork pops]

[cheer]

I was gonna propose a toast

actually

so, I've met someone...

I think we're in love..

and, she's not a dog

she's a human..

but not a dog in a sort of..

derogatory way..

she's actually very sort of lovely.

..and cheers!

okay then...

So yes, sorry this is Natalie

she's been doing some translating for us

actually I think you probably saw Natalie the other day

she was across the street

I think she was breaking up with your girlfriend I think?

I don't know or she was breaking up with you

Hi!

Because I... Alex!

I was gonna, I was gonna show you

a photo

a picture of Lana

so I'm not sure where it's from

I'm not sure where it's from, I mean it's

I wanna say it's some sort of

some sort of quarry

but er, yeah

it doesn't seem right does it

It's a beach in Moldova

so as I was saying

so it's sort of like Sleepless in Seattle

one of my favourite, favourite films

and of course like I was saying you know

separation is key

is really key

and opposites always attract

so for example, she doesn't like romance

.. great!

she likes tall blonde men

so, not even close

...not even...

she likes cats

and hates dogs

so that's another one

so if that's not opposites attract then

I don't know what is!

[birds cheeping]

[glasses clink]

so cheers cheers!

[birds chirping]

so I've obviously recently got a cat

called Ivarvara

Russian name...

I think she's just sitting over there at the moment

but obviously

you know I've tried quite hard to sort of

be friends

this is not like Charlie because obviously dogs are very different to cats

[cat growls]

the thing, the problem is... really is..

you've got this sort of...

buckles

I mean

buckles does not work for cats

but maybe for dogs, so maybe if I just...

stroke her here...

put this thing on her

[cat groans]

[Alex gasps]

[cat growls]

that has happened a few times

so that's..

ten..

that's why...

she actually got me there

you can actually see the little dimple there she just got me

it's actually bleeding

[TV movie plays]

so, there's actually.. I don't know if you know..

but there's a recipe

and a formula to love

to finding love

and let me tell you, so...

1. boy meets girl

okay

2. opposites attract

right

3. he likes her

4. and she wants something else

5. separation is key

always, always the separation

very important part

then...

6. turmoil at three quarter mark

and then

7. love...

[airplane landing]

[Alex vomits]

[coughs]

You don't have to be rich but you are expected to

provide a home, furnish her with adequate romance

and you must be able to afford basic activities

in order to maximise the potential of your future together

Sign up now, your future is only one click away.

I mean maybe it is a bit sudden

bit sudden...

I'm just, just going through all the sort of different scenarios

in my head

like, sort of, you know what if she doesn't want me?

[scoffs]

you know what if...

what if...

she doesn't like the surprise?

What do you guys think?

[boy shouts]

There's a child! ha!

[child sneazes]

Football!

I'm just gonna..

[knocks]

Alex!?

Hello Lana

[door slams]

Shit!

[footsteps climbing stairs]

[door knock]

Lana

[door closes]

So, what made you join BridesRus.com?

Okay... Um...

Okay, what about love? Could you tell us what that means to you?

Love?

You want to know what love is?

Love is...

...when you tell yourself...

...I’ll go through anything...

...I’ll risk everything...

...because if I fall then someone will surely catch me.

And then you fall...

...into the dirt outside.

Anything...else?

Love...

...is when you say...

..."How wonderful you are...

...how much I would love to be with you...

...how happy we would be together."

And someone else comes along...

...just as good...

...and takes them away.

And you end up with what’s left.

Less wonderful...

...less good...

...and why?

[Russian muttering]

[Russian muttering]

That's a nice top

Where did you get the top from?

Where's it from?

[Russian speaking]

[Russian speaking]

Where's Mr Marusva?

Mister?

What?

Mr Marusva?

Mister? Mister? Mister? Yes

Mister... [Russian word]

sorry?

[Russian word]

I've actually got an app

which I sometimes use with Lana, clever sort of invention

sometimes just say the word

and then it gives you the answer

so you can sort of

so if you can just say the word

so, Mister Marusva is...

[Russian word]

Ooh, where's the button..

Dead

I learnt a few things about Moldova

Yeah so in Moldova there's lots of wine

Wine!

lots of wine...

Right! Yea

Everybody's drunk all the time

and that was it.. and it's funny because in Moldova there's the largest consumption of

alcohol per person

in the whole world

in Moldova

so alcohol per person

so largest consumption in the whole country

Water?

That was it... it was one of the largest

or it used to be one of the largest

Jewish communities

in Moldova

What?

Lot's of jews!

used to be

used to be

He's... ...he's a foreigner.

Don't worry, don't worry.

[glass tapping]

Alex...

...don't!

Alex!

Alex!

Lana... it makes me so proud

to think of the things

that we could do

together to show the whole world

that love

is not one

but it's two

two people it takes

to be happy

to look to a future

that's bright

you'll be my sun in the morning

and I'll be your moon in the night

we'll be like peas in a pod

but a pod with room for more peas

Lana

will you be my wife

everybody's looking, I feel sick

can you please just say something?

[pathetic applause]

I'm going to the toilet.

Toilet?

Going to the toilet.

Lana, the bathroom is that way

[door closes]

Bathroom's that way

what I'm supposed to do now is put that on I think

[claps]

Yes, well it was all very strange.

He was okay at first.

But to propose to me during dessert?

I mean really...

...I tried to keep my composure...

...in front of the guests.

Of course I would never have agreed to get married...

...so quickly.

Yeah? A fun fact.

Okay! Food time, here we go

Ooof look at that...

I call this chilli con Natalie

Eat up smells delicious

These are cute

woof woof woof woof woof

Watch out you might break them

Alright, did we have a bite? Food in your belly makes you happy

Let's play a game it's called guess the ingredients put it in your mouth have a bite

I'm not very good at that game

Have a bite

I'll help you out

I'll help you out I'll give you a hand there's sausage in it

sausage...

erm.... fenagreek

fena-what?

Fish?

Fish?!

I just told you there's sausage why would you put fish in it?

Well I said I couldn't play this game I'm not very good at it

[phone buzzes]

It's a private number

Well answer it

Hello?

er.... hi Lana

erm... er...

er yes... she recognises my voice.. she knows it's me

That's because she called your phone

Yeah... I'm... er... I'm...

I'm good thank you

erm.... er......

Yes, I've got Natalie here to translate

so... yeah...

Lana, lana!

Hello?

Yes, hello?

Yes, so...fine.

See you. Okay.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

What did she say?

what did she say?

Lana! What did she say?!

when?

Just then!

Now! What did she say?

[laughs]

What?

She said she's coming

She's coming. She's coming here?

To see me? To England

To see me? To see you

I've gotta tell Charlie! I've gotta tell Charlie! Charlie! What are you doing?!

Charlie! Charlie Lana's coming, Lana's coming! Come back!

Charlie's dead!

Oh f***! It's a very funny line

But they fall in love

And cause opposites attract

you see because she was a big hollywood star

and he was just a person who owned a book shop in Notting Hill in London

She just pops in.. he falls in love with her

but she wants something else

You see and it all works they come together and they fall in love

"I wanted it to be you"

Let me start again cause my voice went...

"I wanted it to be you..."

and he comes and knocks on the door at Christmas time

and he says... he's got the cards like that

and he says "say it's carollers"

and she says to her husband "it's just carollers darling don't come down!"

and then he gets the next one and they all go and eventually he says

I sort of.. I love you

At the train station to pick up Lana

I think.. I mean she is.. she's a bit late

that's the only thing.. she should be here pretty soon really

Last train just pulled in

I've checked all the passengers and there's no sign of Lana

I've just finished checking all the bathrooms as well the one on the left and the two down there

she hasn't even gone to the bathroom

There's not much point blocking the entrances and exits when she doesn't show up so...

So you know it's just one of those [Italian stranger cheers]

[Italian stranger waves hello] Sorry, sorry this is not the time

We're filming a documentary

so...

Are you a couple?

How long have you been together?

Do you speak English?

No

When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody

You want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible

[London underground announcement]

[TV movie plays]

[doorbell rings]

[muttering] take my dressing gown off

Flowers!

this is the first day of my li..

[door knocks]

Welcome!

Do the crew sleep here?

Do they sleep here? Sorry?

Do they sleep here with you in the house?

You need to what sorry?

Do they... You need..

Do they..

...do they... You need to...

...here...

...sleep? You need to spurt

Do they sleep here?

You need to spurt

you need to... you need to...

okay...

Just give me two seconds

because I can actually just call

Natalie

So... sorry to keep you awake

at this time.. I saw you sleeping through the window

if you could do some translating that'd be excellent

I'm trying to understand 'I need to spurt'

I need to spurt?

so erm...

yeah.. so erm..

we've got the guest bedroom here

and then my bedroom is just up the stairs

just at the top

so it's... er... yeah..

so guest bedroom and then it's erm....

got the... my bedroom just at the top of these stairs

that's a sensor so sometimes if you can be on the landing

just in case sometimes it can be a bit dangerous

you don't wanna sort of be up.. god it's hot isn't it

[doorbell rings] That's Natalie I think let me just...

Two seconds, two seconds Lana

Hi Natalie. Come in come in...

How you doing? Come in, come in.

I'm good, I'm good, I'm good Can't believe she actually came.

I know it's amazing, I'm very... Who's the little bag for?

Yeah this is for Ivan.

This is Ivan's...yeah.

He's her son.

Hello.

You must be Lana. Oh...you speak Russian!

Yes I'm Natalya...

...or Natalie. Oh of course, how lovely to meet you.

My pleasure. Lana, of course. I'm Lana.

We spoke on the phone. The telephone yes.

It's like we know each other now. Yes indeed we do!

So what I was just saying is we've got the guest bedroom in there

Then we've got my bedroom just at the top

Alex is trying to say something.

He's talking, but I don't understand.

Yes I know, but my Russian is a bit so-so...

He just talks so fast, I can't understand. so it's the guest bedroom there if you could tell her

And then my bedroom is up...

This is the...the...um...

so that's the guest..

The guest bedroom, you must be tired. Ah! Good.

Alex.

Alex.

I'll do it myself, Alex.

Yes that's a good idea.

And my bedroom is just at the top of the stairs

that's guest and that's...

Come, you can sleep in here.

So he can....yeah that's the...

...for the guests...

...to sleep.

It's fine. How was the flight?

Yes it was good but we got lost. Really?

So I'm actually gonna show you the actual door from Notting Hill

it's a blue door a big sort of blue door

I think it's....

this one here

let me just move this rubbish because it looks a bit better

let's get this sort of trash out the way

so basically let me tell you this is where Hugh Grant's character William Thacker

lived for the film it's actually his actual house

and interestingly enough a fun fact

Richard Curtis is a writer of Notting Hill

and he lived here for the duration of the filming

this was his house before that as well

and another thing... orange juice... it's funny we have it

basically Julia Roberts character Anna Scott

She gets it spilled on by William Thacker Do you want some?

Yes?

who's Hugh Grant

And it's quite a funny sort of moment in the film Shall we go?

We're going to go to a cafe.

another fact about thre seasons as well

basically Hugh Grant walks through the street and it goes from Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring

but it's actually filmed in one day

it's very clever, sort of, filmmaking

It's nice! It's very good isn't it

I've got a quick homage to Love Actually

you have to look at the cards

Look at the cards They have such interesting taxis, right?

That's wrong... that's the wrong one...

that's not in the right place

that is not in the right place hang on

That's not in the right place cause that should be actually.. That's the Prime Minister's house. You want to have a look?

That shouldn't be there... Let's go. Let's go.

that..

Look, look. That's the Prime Minister's car.

Imagine if they came out now.

Quick, get a photo, quick photo

Ready? 1, 2, 3...

Look... er.. sorry... I just.. [phone buzzes]

wanted.. it might be a really stupid question..

erm...but.. er...

particularly in light of our recent shopping excursion

I just wondered if ever.. by any chance

you might be..... er.... obviously not...

..because I've only slept with nine people

but to recap in a slightly sort of clearer version

in the words of David Cassidy

and while he was still with the Partridge family

I think I love you...

What are you on about...Alex?

Exactly.. but anyway that's what Hugh Grant says in

Four Weddings and a Funeral which is filmed just over there by

by Waterloo bridge and when he professes his love to

Andy McDowall's character

it's what was in his speech

Four Weddings...

It's just filmed literally over there

Ice cream?

You want ice cream?

Let's go. Let's go.

We're going for ice cream.

Four Weddings..

a very sort of satisfying day...

[Russian speaking]

...from Abba, don't do it again, no no no...

Anyway so I saw her and she stood by you know that famous

Egyptian statue you know the one with the massive.. hold on...

where is he in bed? yea...

the massive... [whistles]

And then he come up to me and said "oh look you must be standing next to my twin"

I did like that though it was funny wasn't it?

He's hanndsome isn't he?

I try..

Billy big ba... oi!

You do don't you...

Don't get flush!

What! No she likes a little bit of flash you know.. flash the cash..

I flash the cash, she flash the gash you know...

[laughing]

Something like that wasn't it...but anyway seriously...

I thought I'd get her number d'you know what I mean?

so I pushed her in the corner

and I said to her "oi I'm gonna get your number"

"I wanna take you out for a drink or a little bit"

She likes a bit of Italian eh?

She likes a bit of Italian she's Irish what you talking about?

Nah I'm joking... she loves it!

but no... I'll tell you what...

she's a fox your mum mate

he thinks I'm a fox.. a sexy fox darling

Well you're not.

I didn't say sexy... they're the ones who put shit in the garden

[laughs]

actually I dunno... foxes you know what I mean?

even better when they're on all fours.. [howling]

Nah seriously look at her legs. I have.. not bad

Been there... done it... so has he!

You're not a fox are you Mum

That's not very nice is it come on!

Lighten up just cause you haven't had a girlfriend for twenty years

Sorry about that..

Nineteen and a half..

makes no difference..

Nineteen and a half years Mum...

Go on tell them the story...

Go on...

Don't be shy I wanna hear it come on son let's have it

My girlfriend when I was eleven and a half

and we were playing in the playground and we were in love

by the way... ...playing in the playground and my friend actually sort of..

pushed her over and I went to help her

and her hair was actually caught under the fence

and I hoiked her up I tried to help her up

but unfortunately half her scalf came clean off

at the time but Mum I've said this before

we were in love

and it was a mistake

Lighten up babe, lighten up....

Anyway who wants some pudding some spotted dick?

Ooh hello

Spotted dick?

Two portions of dick over here one for later!

hold the spots!

[text message ringtone]

Sorry, we just wanted to ask you a question.

Alright.

Since we haven't had a chance to speak to you, we were just wondering...

What made you come to London?

To marry Alex.

[door creaks open]

I'll show you. Go on.

But you can't laugh. Go on.

You can't laugh.

What's that?

What happened? Did you cut it off?

I know.

It looks like a toe. It's bad, I know.

Wine for the ladies..

Oh thank you

there we go..

All ladies love wine True, thank you

Especially all that will get very tipsy

remember what I was saying about Moldova and the facts about lots of wine

everyone was drunk.. No just don't.. it's not a good story

Okay shall we do something?

Huh?

A game. Charades! Charades...

Film.. film...

Two words

First word

burning..

Iron, Iron, Iron.

Iron, Iron.

er..

erm...

Hair... Thug.

sort of very... Hitler!

Boobs... Tits.

boobs and...

Willy?

Dick?

Dick.

Penis.

Penis... nothing

Penis. Dogs...

big strong..

Willy.

Penis, penis.

penis

Penis, penis.

penis

First word, number one word

ironing

Ironing. Ironing?

it's not Nazis?

Ironwoman... Ironman!

[cheering]

Sleep.

Yeah I did... no talking...

hey!

ahhhh... third word

No sleep?

No sleep?

No sleep.

[whispering] Seattle Seattle!

Sleepless in Seattle!

Sleepless in Seattle, yes

My favourite film

[whispers] shark Yeah shark...

Jaws! Jaws!

[squeals]

Well done

so this is quite a traditional dish shepherd's pie

but the problem is it's an interesting fact actually because

a lot of people misunderstand shepherd's pie because

it's supposed to be with lamb but

a lot of people actually mistakenly do it with beef

which is wrong it should be with lamb all the time

and in fact it was invented in Scotland

Scotland...

Scottish people? Erm..

[in Scottish accnet] Scottish!

Scottish!

Crazy!

Oh God!

that's Scottish people

quite.. can be quite crazy yes

but they're very nice people once you get to know them

start by chopping the carrots

good to be getting on with..

[shreaks]

Mouse!

Mouse, mouse.

What was that?

Mouse, mouse?

Mouse.

Where was it?

There, there.

Where was it sort of over here?

No, right there!

They've got sort of little nashers

Little teeth

Catch it.

And I think that don't know about the South of England but sometimes if they latch onto you

their jaws just lock

and they don't let go until the bone is..

Faster, faster, faster!

..but I think that's just.. I think I can see him so...

He was there but I saw him run so I sort of came in

and hit him on the head a few times with the broom so I think he

.....he should be gone

One would.. well one would hope that he's...

[screams]

Mama!

I've got him this time

There, there, there it is.

In the corner.

exactly the same place as last time

[thump thump thump]

You know...

They say there is an ideal partner...

...and an ideal relationship.

The ideal partner...

...is often very attractive, intriguing, and...

...exciting.

But it doesn't last long.

They'll leave you...

...for no reason.

But the ideal relationship...

...can sometimes be boring...

...and predictable.

At least the partner...

...will be on your side...

...and he genuinely wants the best for you.

You know, the ideal partner...is like...

...candy.

While the ideal relationship is like broccoli.

You understand?

[sleep grunt]

Lana?

Lana?

Did you lose your ring?

I sometimes lose it actually sometimes I have it on the bedside table and...

on the side by the side of the bed and it falls into the gap

that's understandable I think sometimes... yeah..

that's normal or it falls between the two mattresses

a friend sometimes he has sort of two bits of mattresses because he has two single..

So you say what's the time?

What's the time?

correct

Mr Wolf

Mr Wolf and altogether.. what's the time Mr Wolf

What's the time Mr Wolf

very good

whenever you're ready

What's the time Mr Wolf

it's two o'clock

okay and then you have to tell me what the time is again say "what's the time Mr Wolf?"

What's the time Mr Wolf?

Two o'clock again

two o'clock again...

Say what's the time Mr Wolf

What's the time Mr Wolf?

Dinner time!

We'll go again because it was a bit rusty the first time

so we'll go again because it takes some time to get used to it

wait for Ivan

Very good, very good at the game. For a beginner... thumbs up

Hey Alex, oi!

Did he say something about a wedding?

Yes he said the 13th.

Since you're here and Ivan is here...

...he's going to organise the wedding.

But he hasn't bought anything yet?

Alex?

Remember what were you saying Natalie I think you were saying an arch

have an arch and just sort of decorate it remember you were saying

that was quite an interesting idea

Arch?

Alex, did you really buy an arch? What did I suggest? Arch?

I didn't talk about any arch...

Alex, did you really?

The priest...

...he'll know where to stand regardless.

We'll show him.

We'll tell him stand here...

...priest!

Did you get that? The priest will know where to stand

you don't... we'll show him

Of course he'll know where to stand.. was Natalie's idea

well of course he'll know he's done weddings before.. simple, we'll keep it as simple as possible

Alex?

So, what else?

What else?

What else did you order?

Translate for him.

Anything else?

Yes, no?

Alex?

No.

Wedding dress?

No. No.

I won't wear it.

You understand? Do you know 'net'?

Alex listen.

Listen.

Listen.

Alex.

If you want a wedding dress...

then you...can be the bride.

If you want the wedding dress then you're going to be the bride

I'm the bride!

You're the bride

there we go You'll be...

...the bride.

because I'm the bride..

You can wear a t-shirt, we can wear t-shirts... no dresses

just t-shirt

and you can wear.. in fact I can just wear a t-shirt

just like this I'll wear this

short sleeved.. it's a nice day...

[ It's so important to make someone happy ]

[ Make just one someobody happy ]

[ Make just one heart to heart you... ]

[...you care for ]

[A smile that cheers you]

[A face that lights when near you]

[Then love could possibly find you... ]

[doorbell rings]

[door closes]

Look what your friend's gone and done.

I told him...

...no dress, no dress, no.

And this is what he bought.

What is this?

Ivan?

Let's go.

[door slams]

Ta-da!

Oh, shit.

What are you doing here?

I recognise you.

What, are you following me everywhere?

I'm going to...

...break your camera.

Get out of here!

Actually, you know what?

Drive me...

...like a taxi.

Drive...

...me.

Drive...

...Drive me!

well er.... no one's answering

erm...

I mean I...

I guess I should've told her about the surprise party

that's a bit annoying really

Stop, stop stop!

Open the door!

I said open the door!

Oh it’s you!

You lied to me...you're married? Keep your voice down, I'll get you a taxi.

Does she even know?

Let go of me!

Let go of me! I'll call you a taxi...I'll call you a taxi.

What taxi?

Will you let go? How could you bring Ivan with you?

Let go of me!

You'd better take your hands off me or else.

Just get in the car... get in the car

You really are an asshole you know? Just get in the car

Why? Get in the car..

Listen go home get over it, I never loved you okay?

And don't show up like this or I'll call the police

Asshole!

Asshole.

Asshole. Asshole. Asshole.

Asshole.

Asshole.

Asshole.

Asshole.

Asshole.

Asshole.

Asshole.

Are you okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to welcome you all.

What a beautiful celebration.

A family occasion.

Can somebody call the police? How come you never invited us to this special family gathering?

[Ivan] take whatever you want. Get off me! Come on!

I would like to introduce myself.

I'm the mistress...

...and this is the wife.

Prostitute.

I am the prostitute?

I am?

[Text message tone]

Oh it's a text from Ivan..

[Text message tone]

[shouts] I got.. I got..

[shouts] I got a text from Ivan!

A text from Ivan!

[Text message tone]

Well there's no answer

He says he needs me somewhere

He doesn't ever text me either

starting to get worried now

Actually Jim from the other crew he's with her now

How do you guys always sort of get around so quickly?

All over the place

Cars.

Shouldn't we get going?

Yes.. yea.. well

Tell you what Natalie can drive me

So yea, I'll need to get going now, yea..

What are you doing?

There's a door here..

Yeah I know that I was trying to be soft

Woah woah woah what's going on? Calm down.

Let go of my son. Let go of my son! And who are you?

and what the hell are all these cameras for?

Oh thank god you're here. I'm Alex Clough It was a rhetorical question

I can't believe you actually answered

Get the f*** out of my house all of you He's crazy you know.

I don't want to see you here when I get back

Is that clear?

Is that clear?

Yep Good.

Are you okay?

Did he upset you?

Ivan

let's go

excuse me..

Say you're sorry

Are you f***ing stupid?

Apologise to Ivan

you can't do that to a child

especially not on his Birthday

or what?

What are you gonna do?

Look!

It took my three days to bake that cake

Oh I’ll show you...

...what a cake!

You’ll get it!

You old goat! Old goat!

Old goat!

Let this be a lesson to everyone

All of you go!

Go, go, leave it!

Just get out! Get out!

What's going on?

It's not at all how it looks... Natalie please.. what's going on?

Alex listen I should have told you sooner...

...but I couldn't because we didn't have the time.

I didn't even know how to do it. Natalie please can you translate?

Alex it’s not at all what you think.

Oh please, Natasha help me!

Lana what do you want me to say?

Do you want me to tell him everything?

Natalie..

please tell me what's going on, please...

Right Alex this guy Jasper she's been seeing him on and off

before you two started chatting

but she broke up with him after she met you

so it's done now, it's finished.

No, before I met him.

no, before she met you

Alex, listen to me.

We broke up... Alex listen.

They broke up before she met you

We broke up before I met you.

Then I came here and he started texting me. Then she came here he started texting her

Then he asked me to meet him in a car park. Then he took her to a car park

And then...and then we went to McDonald's. the other night..

And then, I don't know... I just came here because he didn't show. they wanted to see where they stand. Anyway Alex..

Understand? Don't listen, Alex listen listen listen

Alex...I...I...I don't even love him. It's done now it's done now

Alex. Woah, hey..

Breathe.. don't do that

Alex.

Don't do the heavy breathing

Alex let's just relax alright

Let's go home.

Just breathe normally

Let’s all just go home.

Yeah let's all just go home

It's Ivan's birthday.

Let's just have some tea.

I'll explain everything.

Alex, I haven’t loved him for a long time.

He’s not even a nice guy.

Tell him.

Yeah, Alex...

it's over now it's finished

right?

you're here

it's done now, you're a good man

let's just go home

[Ivan sneezes]

Bless you Ivan

He didn't even ask her anything

It's just like..

he's a bit fixated in some..

...weird

delusional pattern of

how things are supposed to go

no?

It's a bit strange

I'm not correcting him

I just think he's I mean at the end of the day he's a good guy

I mean he's f****d up a little bit

Jesus, aren't you bored already? Why don't you just go to bed?

Come on.

Let's go in.

How did you find me?

I'm sorry, Alex.

I'm not very good with words

so I wrote a poem...

to express my feelings.

Lana

when my eyes first met yours

on my computer screen

I looked at you

and you looked at me

with nothing in between

then you agreed to be my wife

and come to live with me

so you set off from distant lands

across a distant sea

[passing driver swears]

I know that you came on aero-flight but I always imagined it as a boat

sort of more romantic

and you were at the front like Kate Winslet

except I wasn't there

I realise I might have been too hasty with my love

I should have guessed that you were not so sure of the above

but I still hope you'd be with me

and we would build a home

but then you

then you stabbed my dreams in the back

when you met your ex in some stupid car park

Alex.

Alex, where are you going?

Alex, wait!

When I was young other kids

used to have posters of Superman and Rocket on their wall

I had Hugh Grant and Tom Hanks

I just wanted to be that guy in the rom-coms

but then I realised

those guys aren't even that guy

Did she betray me and have a secret boyfriend the whole time?

Absolutely, yeah.

Did it crush my heart into a hundred pieces? Yeh.

but even with all the confusion

and the misunderstandings

and the secret boyfriends and kids

and the shouting and

the not understanding most of what she said

even in spite of all that

I'd rather have experienced something real

if looking for love leads you to reciting poetry

to a beautiful woman

badly in your pants

in the middle of the city at three o'clock in the morning

you know..

maybe you've done something right?

Don't have your sights set too high

No

because if you have your sights set too high

then I don't think you'll find anything

But you'll know when it happens

I would say the most cliché thing ever but

but love, relationship is actually like a designer clothe

if it doesn't really fit you

it's a disaster

Whatever it is just talk about it

And if you can't talk about it go to therapy

[He laughs] Cause that helps

You laugh!!?

Yeah we are still together

I mean you can't afford a divorce can you?

I couldn't afford a divorce so that's...

Yes that's another thing

yea..

What's her name your sister? What? Hmm?

Your sister?

Well erm.. .my sister well..

is.. erm... Anna

Anna Barbara

Anna Barbara.. which one sorry both or? Sorry?

Oh I see erm..

Well its quite a complicated story..

..originally they were born sort of er..

sort of..

siamese

conjoined twins

Anna was obviously fully formed

whereas... [laughter]

[laughing]

we'll get it we'll get it we'll get it...

Barbara was just the...

[director] I'm sorry..

so it's quite a complicated story because obviously what

I don't know if you know but they were born

erm...

[laughter]

Well it's a complicated story with Anna Barbara obviously because they were born...

siamese..

conjoined twins I think it was

so obviously Anna was fully formed

[laughter]

[Director] I'm sorry..

Anna was fully formed...

okay I'll go from Anna was fully formed..

[laughter]

Yeah I'll do that.. [director] Anna was fully formed

[director] and Barbara.. and Barbara was just sort of..

Okay I'm gonna get this one

Well it's quite a complicated story cause..

Anna was fully... fully formed... okay

it's quite a complicated story because actually Anna was actually fully formed..

at birth..

however Barbara was

unfortunately just a head

[laughter]

Well sort of siamese conjoined twins.. erm..

..when they were born.. anyway, so..

..Anna, born fully formed

..but unfortunately Barbara was simply a head..

and it's rather unfortunate because..

.. first few weeks of birth..

both survived excellently..

however Barbara became ever so slowly absorbed

first the mouth sort of disappeared

sort of elongated..

..and then the nostrils they sort of..

went.

anyway so she ended up sort of..

..just a little face..