Original subtitles

Yes ? Oh, no, Giorgio! Please, let me be!

We just had lunch, we'll get indigestion!

Besides, I don't want to, it's too early. Just let me read, will you?

Giorgino, come and sit down here with your wife...

...instead of pacing up and down like an animal in a zoo!

Why don't you pick out a book and read, too?

Great.

Nothing less...

"He came with his disciples..."

Just stay here. I've only got 2 pages.

"In the morning the sun smiled upon them and..."

He's marvelous, this writer. You must read it too, Giorgio.

Hello ? Luisa ? Luisa ? Hello?

Oh, dear... Excuse me, Mother, but will you call me up later?

How's that? Will you let me go? I'm talking to Mamma!

He's here, sitting on my skin.

It's Sunday, but there happens to be no game today.

Is she dead ?

Not murdered !

Jumped off the terrace, I know. Too bad, but you must have expected it.

She couldn't spend her whole life on that terrace.

My sister's turtle committed suicide.

Yes, Mamma dear, I'm listening to you.

So, what happened? You went upstairs...

What ? All night did you? Tell me !

Embarrassed were you ? Who told you what, Mammina?

Giorgio ? How does it affect Giorgio?

- Did you tell her anything smutty ? - Me?!

But... Mamma, no... No, not at all. I'd like to explain.

Listen, Mamma, loan explain that!

No, no. Mamma, let me just say... I've got 5 minutes, so let me talk.

You were sitting down watching TV. I was in the kitchen making coffee.

Right? I bent down to get the cups and at that moment Giorgio came in.

All he did... I admit that he gave me a little slap.

Maybe you did see Giorgio put his arm around me.

Alright, he kissed me, too. You saw all of this ?

No, you're mistaken ! Do you think we do such things in a kitchen?

Mamma mia !And your kitchen, too?

She's very mad! You want to speak to her?

Mamma, please, Giorgio and I are married, it's alright!

You think that we did it only to annoy you.

No, listen, Mamma, I'm going to get annoyed now.

You have no right to say that, he has the greatest respect for you.

He called you "a laughing hyena"? He must have said it as a joke.

What do you mean, he doesn't like you?

He's always saying: “Why doesn't Mammina come over more often ?“.

He's only jealous of his privacy. We've only been married a year!

Mamma, try to understand! Of course we love you.

You want to come and live near us? Where ?

In the apartment across the way? They have it rented, I told you.

A girl called Armenia. She's very nice, I guess.

She knows a big manufacturer.

She won't move out, she just moved in. Alright, bye !

Alright. You too, Mammina. Tonight, yes.

Oregano, a little oil and a clove of garlic.

Of course you need the garlic, it gives flavor to the whole thing !

Yes, Giacinta is back from Brazil, she brought back papayas.

No, not poppies, papayas.

- In the Amazon there are rivers 600 miles wide. - 600 miles !

Well, 6600... I don't remember exactly.

What did you say, Mamma?

No, it's nothing. Giorgio is a bit nervous, it's so warm outside.

In Brazil there are underwater horses that live that way.

Yes, it's true ! Giacinta was there and saw them and you didn't!

I was talking to Giorgio, who looked at me as if I were insane.

But, no, it's the truth.

Listen, I went into the kitchen, I bent down to get the plates,

and at that moment Giorgio came in.

Of course that's not all he thinks about, we love each other!

I created a nest and I know he's happy.

We read books a lot and talk about cultural things...

About music, birds, books...

We talk for hours, he's not bored.

He looks at me with those beautiful eyes, like a stallion.

He does also go to church, Mammal

This morning I took him along to Mass and he remained till the end.

Yes, of course Giorgio would rather have you living across the way.

Believe me, that girl over there, that Armenia is so common...

Enormous hips and vulgar... You wouldn't believe.

You've never seen such heavy legs, honestly.

Watch out? For what?

She's not the kind of girl Giorgio would pay attention to.

Because she's vulgar, and the one thing he can't stand is vulgarity.

After all, he hardly had any experience before we got married.

In some ways he's so innocent.

He used to go where ? What kind of house ? Who told you that?

He must have gone to make a study.

You know he's always been interested in social...

No, nobody is working here today.

I'm making him give up smoking. He's down to 3 cigarettes a day.

When he starts smoking, I say: "A kiss or a smoke 7".

Most of the time he wants a kiss.

Where did I hide them? In that little house in the hall.

With the music box inside, that way I can always hear him.

Yes, she phoned me. She kept me on the phone forever.

They're not getting along. They're on the point of a separation.

Yes. No ! Tell me, she did?

They came from such different backgrounds !

And certainly she was no saint before she married.

Yes, yes, Mummy, it certainly was. I know.

No, Giorgio never mentioned her.

From that point of view, Giorgio has been lucky.

The fact that when Giorgio married me I was innocent is important.

Not that Giorgio goes around all day saying: "Thanks",

but inside himself I know that he's pleased.

I'd better ring off before Giorgio gets nervous.

Giorgio, I'll be right with you.

Goodbye now !Yes, Mamma, I shall.

If there's an empty apartment, I'll let you know.

I told you, a girl is living there.

All she does is sunbathe on the terrace.

No, Mamma ! Giorgio hasn't even seen her!

Otherwise, I know, he'd complain about her in no time.

You know the apartment they're building across the street?

The foreman can't get the men to work.

No, they aren't on strike at all. They watch her sunbathing.

You know what she said to the "portiere" ?

I'm so broad in the beam I can't even ride the bicycle.

Yes, she must be a nymphomaniac, sure ! I've got to tell you this.

A man knocked at her door, he was selling books.

She came to the door in her negligee.

Her neighbor heard her say: "Isn't it hot today ? Terrible !".

And he said: "Don't let me stop you from doing what you were doing".

Then she took off the negligee... She didn't have a stitch on !

Say hello to Julia. They're coming to take you for a ride ? Nice!

A brand new what? Are you sure it's not a used one ?

If she bought a new car to make us feel inferior, she's mistaken !

No, he only wants to show off. And I know Giulia.

Mamma, let's drop it. Mamma, let me speak now!

I'm not aggravated, Mamma ! But it was Giorgio who gave you the TV!

It was not to keep you in the house!

No, you shouldn't keep it a secret,

because friends tell me how my brother-in-law gossips about us.

He despises Giorgio. "He's not good..."

Anything to make my Giorgio feel inferior.

Mamma, Giorgio knows just what to say to him.

He'll break his head one day and that will be the end!

No, no, we're not jealous, because we have enough food.

To run a car when you haven't any food...

They'd be better off if they stayed at home.

They could buy their child a meal once in awhile.

What do you mean ? 0h, starting in again about a grandchild?

When we are ready, we'll have a baby. It's not Giorgio's fault!

I assure you that my husband always attends to his duties.

If they kept their nose out of our affairs,

they could pay attention to theirs.

What difference does it make to me?

In his family there's been insanity, as we all know.

The priest told my sister before the ceremony. Giorgio !

Do you think I am a horse ? Stop! Hello ?

I'm not angry. He's a brother-in-law, it's bad luck.

Your friends you choose, your relatives you're stuck with.

No, no, no, it's all the same. Are you offended?

I can hear in your voice that you are.

Then say something nice to me. I didn't mean to insult you, Mammina.

Alright, goodbye, Mamma.

For dinner? Chicken with rice and salad.

No, nothing with pepperoni, you know I can't eat it.

The curtains turned out beautiful!

I had them turned up their ends, then added rayon.

No, they're not too many!

What is it?

Signorina, could I interest you in some books?

- Oh... Come in! - Thank you.

- Terribly hot today, isn't it? - Isn't it ? - Terribly hot.

I hope I'm not stopping you from what you were doing.

Mamma, let me explain it, alright?

I bent down to get the saucers, and at that moment Giorgio...

- Nicholson? - No.

- And then you'll come to Ponte Flaminio. - Ponte Flaminio, yes.

- Nicholson ? - Then follow the road, it will bring you to...

- Nicholson ?- Corso Francia. Then you come to via Cassia.

- You'd better not go there! - Please !- Nicholson?

- When you arrive here, you'll see a sign saying "Firenze". - I see.

- No, take the "autostrada". - What do you want ? - Nicholson.

- Probably waiting there. Excuse me. - Nicholson?

Yes, is your car outside? I'll be right there.

Thank you.

- You're my guide, right ? - I'll be with you as long as you're here.

- Where are you parked ? - Right outside, ready to go. - So am I.

- Here it is, the latest model. - Splendid.

No, I'll do the driving today. Please, take this.

Thanks. I know exactly where to go, I marked all on my maps.

- Call that man over. - Him?- No, that one!

- What's his name ? - I don't know, just get him over.

- What should I say ? - That I want to meet him.

- Don't you know him? - No !- No, noway.

That is not included. You want to talk to men, do it yourself!

It's not what you're thinking, at all. He's getting away I

I can't make up why Italian men are so compulsive.

I'm in Italy studying eugenics.

- You know the word "eugenics"? It's a science. - A science?

I'm a scientist. Now, come on !

Two centimeters, three, four...

I want to see your neck.

Sorry, your ears eliminate you.

- Interested in those? - No, thank you.

The lady over there, a tourist, is doing some scientific research.

- She'd like to meet you. - What for ? - To ask you a few questions.

- It won't take long. - That one ? - No, the one in the white coat.

In that case, sure!

- To make headway with tourists, buy them liquor ! - You're right.

- My name is Trani. - Zamperini.

- You go for ears? - Just testing.

Here, Ulla.

No more. I should never begin. Bad, alcohol ! Milk's the thing.

- And now, signori, I'll put you to a test. - A test?

- Why ? - Watch closely. I'll make a shovel with these toothpicks.

And drop some ashes into the center.

Your job is to get the ashes out of the center. Pay attention.

You must only move two toothpicks.

By rearranging the correct ones, you should have a new shovel.

If we danced, I could pass it.

I prefer this experiment to get to know you. It's serious.

- That's not right. - Why not? - You moved too many. - I did not.

- I tell you, you did. Alright, one, two, three. - Right.

- Isn't that what I did ? - Don't you want to move the sticks?

These tests are just for kids.

- As an engineer, you should be able to do this. - An engineer?

It's impossible ! We need a slide rule to figure this out. Drink !

It is not impossible. You must have forgotten how to use your brains.

Not when we need to.

- Come on, let's forget. - No, I think I know how it works.

- Alright. You have 20 seconds. - Here's your change. - Thank you.

I'll repeat. Pay attention this time.

I've placed ashes in the center of the shovel.

You must move two toothpicks to form a new shovel with no ashes.

- Only two, understand? - One... and two.

Who requested you to do that?

You were supposed to stay in the car and not ruin the things I do.

- Sorry, don't get mad. - Mess with another test and you'll get fired!

You failed, the whole pack of you ! Leave me alone, now !You can go !

- Look at the size of that foot! - You'd like to see the rest, huh?

- 'Who put it there ? - The Romans, I guess.

- You never told me... Tell me what your name is. - I did. Valerio.

- I was very cross with you and I apologize. - I guess it was wrong.

Of course it was ! Those results were important !

It's not a joke, that test. Next time, stay out.

But they couldn't have passed it. You passed it, though.

I'm so warm... I think I drank too much wine. Much too much.

- Ten toes isn't normal. - Don't worry, it's the effect of the wine.

Handsome.

You're a man, a man !

- Valerio ? You can sing, can't you ?- No.

But all Italians can sing!

- Don't you want to sing ? - I never sang that song in my life.

- I'll kiss you if you sing a song. - Will you ? - Sure.

- I'll kiss you again when you're done. - I'll sing. - Good.

- After you'll give me a real kiss ? - Ok.

- Wear ? - Yes. - What song? - Whatever you think I'd enjoy.

Don't stop.

Stop.

I'm alright, I don't need any help.

No, no.

Careful...

Lookout! It's a good idea to walk down backwards !

- It's hard, isn't it? - It sure is.

My clothes feel so sticky !

What's she doing ? Undressing?

She likes milk.

That's right. Come here to me.

- What a body !You're beautiful! - I know.

But you're sweet to tell me.

I really enjoyed myself this evening.

- Very much !- But there's so many things we haven't done yet!

You're so cute!

- I'm a wild animal ! - No, Valerio ! Stop !

- Sorry, l wasn't going to hurt you. - I know.

You couldn't, could you? Come here ?

- You'd like to go to bed, right? - Yes. - Down, boy.

- Why not ? - I don't want marriage. - Marriage?

I agree with you. Certainly, it doesn't interest me.

- Relax. - I can't consider you. I must get an Italian who's perfect.

And you are just not perfect. Sorry, Valerio, but you aren't.

I want a baby to take back home.

I have a job and my freedom, I don't want a man to tie me down.

I want the father of my child to be the perfect Latin male.

It's here. You should read this. I'll lend it to you before I go.

I read every single study on eugenics, I must.

"Virility:when a man is a man."

"A man has virility when he possesses a long thigh."

You've a short thigh.

"Point 2. The muscles in the neck ought to be strong and firm."

You don't have that either, Valerio.

"The face should be oval-shaped." I'm sorry.

"And the ears perfectly formed". You don't have any of these things.

Don't be upset, it's difficult to find.

One has the thigh, one has the ear that's perfect or the neck maybe...

but nobody has them all together.

Most men don't even have intelligence, and you do.

That's one thing you have, brains.

- It's very late, Valerio. - You want me to go ? - Yes.

- But we're good friends. Please. - That's unfair. - Please, Valerio.

- You really want me to go? - Yes. - Then, I'd better leave.

- Ciao, see you tomorrow ! - Yes, tomorrow.

Valerio, ciao !

No, no, no, Valerio! That's it. Behave. Goodnight.

Sure. You be good, Valerio, go away.

- Now, what's this ? Are you selling those ? - They're for you.

They're for me?

Who told you to get flowers?

Spending money... You have no right to do this. Take them up!

I should never have allowed myself to drink, it's bad. Come on !

Coming ? Let's go!

Last night I meant every single word that I said.

You thought that I was drunk and that the wine was making me talk.

I really want to find the perfect Latin male.

- You must really be mad. - No, it's the girls who marry that are.

They go out and select any man at all. I won't sink into that trap.

I don't want romance or marriage, that's all sentimental.

I'm fond of you, but you are a terrible specimen, that's all.

Please, help me find a man that's perfect. Will you try?

- Let me out of here! - What are you doing?

I'm leaving ! If you want the perfect man, do your own looking!

Goodbye !

- You're being paid to drive !- To drive, not to hunt men for you I

Valerio ! Please, come back !

You stop this !

Valerio ! Will you come back?

Valerio ! What happened to you, stupid?

- Your dog jumped out? - It's not a dog!

My driver just abandoned the car!

Your driver ran out on you?

- Where is he ? - He's walking down there.

Do you want me to get him? He's just down the road.

No, it's alright. No, thank you. I can't let you bother.

- Are you driving far? - I can't, not alone.

- I can be your driver. - That's very kind of you.

- My pleasure. - Just a minute, excuse me. - Go right ahead.

- May I help ? - It's extremely kind of you. - It's not.

You're crazier than I thought ! You leave my car in the street?

- You left me in the street ! - Now I'm back, let's go.

- You're stupid. You're not at all like this gentleman. - Thank you.

- You can follow us. - That wreck may not be able to keep up.

- What's wrong with my car? - Go away !

Do you mind ?

Don't worry, he'll be alright in a day or two.

Nineteen, twenty, twenty-one.

Twenty-nine, thirty. Alright, you can stop now, that's enough.

Over here, I want to measure you. Come on ! How tall are you ?

- I'm about 6' 3". - Measure and see.

- Bet that I'm right. - I don't know yet. - What is the prize?

One...two.

Ulla, Ulla... When am I going to get my prize?

- You have to answer one question first. Be honest. - Alright, ask.

Will you have a child with me?

- Don't worry, we won't take chances. - That isn't what I mean.

- I promise there is no danger. - Let go of me !

- What's wrong ? I'll be careful ! - You missed the whole point !

I want to have a son just like you.

So you're looking for a husband! Look somewhere else, you're crazy !

- I don't want to marry you. - What's the kid for?

I want freedom and still have a baby.

Alter the pregnancy, you'll have no trouble at all.

You'll have papers and everything, you'll just have to sign.

I never even signed my letters to my mother !

- I'll pay you for it! ay me for what?

- A baby of yours. - You're insane. I'm going to slap you so hard...

l thought you liked me a little.

I'm crazy about you. Now, come here and stop aggravating me !

- Then come to the lawyer's. - Why should I ?

- It'll only take a minute. - Forget the lawyer.

- For my sake. - Forget it !

- Come in. - How are you ?

- You might like to look this over. - Thank you.

- Signore... - What is it? - I've got a question.

You might call me old-fashioned, but I'd have to know the child.

Of course there's no guarantee there would be a child.

Tell me, if you were in my place, would you sign?

- In blood. - Well, I'll sign I Let's start this baby I

Not here, please.

Shopping, huh ?We're all finished. Give them to me.

I guess now you'll have to be going.

- You are my employer till midnight. - I'm not going anywhere.

So you can make plans for yourself this evening. Good luck, Valerio.

- Good luck. - I nearly forgot... You want your pay, don't you ?

- Have you got a girlfriend? - No... Yes. Why do you care?

- You work tomorrow ? - Tomorrow? I'm driving a woman down to Tivoli.

Ah, Tivoli... Too bad the week's over.

I'd love to see Tivoli before I go, but... who's got the time?

- What did you expect? - What's that ? - Nothing.

I really have to go now. Massimo is due soon and I have to prepare.

Massimo is going to come...

Valerio ? Here's the money I owe you for the car.

Thank you. For you, please, take it.

Keep it.

Don't worry. I know you think what I'm doing is bad.

But now that I found the perfect man, it's all over.

I must go through with it, Massimo, and stop !

I'll telephone you, I'll want to see the places I haven't seen yet.

I'm going to make it to Tivoli with you and your car.

- But only after. - After what ? - After I get through with Massimo.

Idiotic Italian sentimentalist !

What are you waiting for? What are you hanging around for?

Can't even sing "Oh, sole mio" ! Tivoli would be a bore anyway !

Yes, operator? My lawyer? Alright.

I'm here !Your faithful lawyer!

This place has all the charm of a rocket ship.

Where are you ?

Ulla, here is your legal advisor.

- Mamma mia !- What's that? - Champagne. - No champagne!

No alcohol, mustn't be distracted.

We must remain relaxed and calm. I'll turn the light down.

- You'll follow the instructions. - Yes, I will, yes. - Fine.

- My God !- Stop !You idiot! - I love you !- Stop it!

- What do you think you're doing? You mustn't get excited. - Alright.

- No more Neapolitan passion. - It was Roman... and universal, too.

You've got to stay calm now. I think this music will help us.

I think it's warped.

I've studied the system, so just obey !

Forget what you're here for, calm down

- Are you wearing perfume? - Yes, it's special.

Why did you put perfume on? You want to ruin things ?

Hello ? Valerio ? I don't want to talk to you. What do you want?

Tourists...

You shouldn't be here. No, go away ! No, you can't!

- No, Valerio, go home! - Who is that, the driver?

If you want, I'll give him another punch.

Never mind !You ruined everything, with your champagne and perfume.

- We're both nervous, we're better off to try tomorrow. - Tomorrow?

Who is nervous? I'm not at all.

If you stopped that music, I'd be less nervous.

I'm a bit excited, like my car. If the motor is cold, it can't start.

Hey, wait a minute...

You funny girl! You like pornography, is that it?

It's not pornography, it shows you a system to have perfect babies.

How come nobody needed a system before ? They always had babies.

I suppose we Italians are old-fashioned.

Ulla, my system never fails. lt will work I My little Ulla...

- Massimo!- Ulla! - Here's something I've been saving.

- Passion. - For me? "Cin cin".

- What is it? It's terrible! - It's Vitatonic.

- You mustn't be so nervous. - I'm not nervous. We can relax together.

No, I can't consider a relation with you until you are tired.

- But I am tired ! Tired of waiting !- No, physically tired.

When a man is physically tired, he's more likely to have a son.

- We'll be exhausted together. Ulla, give me a kiss !- Stop it!

- First, come with me !- Where? - To the bathroom. - The bathroom?

- Yes. - Come on.

- Mamma mia, finally! - Sit down there.

- What is it, Ulla ? Come here! - You have to get tired first.

- You must... - Ulla, I swear that I am tired!

- You're not tired enough! - How long do I have to do it for?

- I'll tell you when to stop. - You want me to count?

- One, two, three... - Hello?

I've done twelve, Ulla!

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen...

I want to apologize for this afternoon.

You made me so mad. It's my fault, so I phoned to tell you I'm sorry.

Because... Well, because...

I thought the whole thing over and I wish you'd do the same.

Listen, Ulla... at what point are you?

Ulla ! I'll get too tired, please!

If it's not too late, get ready, I'll wait for you in the lobby!

If you go through with this thing, you're nothing but...

Sorry, I didn't mean. Ulla, the car is here, ready for you.

You said you wanted to go to Tivoli. Let's go and have fun!

I won't take away your freedom, you can find all the men you want.

We'll measure their legs, intelligence, ear lobes...

whatever you want.

I mean, there's plenty of men... That man upstairs is vulgar.

If the son is like him, he'll throw you out on the street one day.

Listen, Ulla... please... please, come down!

If I promise not to marry you, what have you got to lose?

I swear I won't marry you !

Ulla? I'm ready.

Ulla?

Ullina?

Ulla? Ulla? Where are you hiding?

Ulla ? I'm tired now!

- Giuseppe!- What do you want? - Come up here!- See you later.

- Carlo? - Eh?- Come inside!

Dario ? Come on, here comes Papa, you get in the house! You hear?

- Hi, Papa!- Ciao! What are we having for dinner?

Come in and I'll let you know !

You say you want to start your life anew now.

You say that things have all gone bad for you now.

Time has put out the fire,

give in to your desire.

Break from your chains and make your dreams come true now.

Don't wait around...

'cause here you are.

Don't wait around...

love isn't far.

Don't wait around...

I have a roof over my head, beans and pasta, a husband...

My life could be called "good", couldn't it?

Couldn't it?

A woman needs so little... A word to touch her heart.

You never even say goodbye to me in the morning.

A kind word is the thing I ask.

The way things are.

Signor Battiferri ! Just a minute.

- What is it ? You got something to sell ? - No, I want to talk to you.

- What for ? - Do you remember when I got run down on the street?

I've got the scar, see? Right here.

And then this lawyer I got

sued the driver and got me 140.000 lire.

- That's nice. - I was just thinking...

If I paid you, would you do me a little favor?

- It's not asking much. - Well, what is it?

Kill my husband for me, would you?

- I ? - Yes ! Look, it's easy! You can do it, I'm sure.

Hit him with your truck and then keep going. He won't even notice.

And you can use the money.

With my bad tires, I'd end up in the ditch.

Look, you know there's a dark stretch on the road, by the ditch.

There's a bend there, it curves.

He always comes that way, and he's always drunk at night.

I won't do it, I can't, not with those bad tires of mine.

I told you, it's too dangerous.

I'll advance you some money.

Buy new tires, and you'll be increasing the value of your truck.

I'd give you all the money... but that's not good.

Not that I don't trust you. Signor Battiferri...

- Keep quiet and let me think! - Should I eat this money?!

Save a life, signor Battiferri !

- It will be him or me - He doesn't love you ?

My husband forgot that word long ago. He's like he's dead.

It's been years since we made love.

What can I do ? I'm still young, I want to enjoy life !

- You've got to help me. - It'll be 2400 lire in advance, for tires.

Your money is right here. When will you do it?

- I want to know. - Tonight ! lt will be done!

- Where is that wine I asked for? - First you want it then you don't.

- What's the matter with you ? - I'm worried about my husband.

- It's so late, he's usually here. - Maybe he fell under a train.

So you are here.

You might respect a lady when she's worried.

- It's late for my husband. - Why be upset?

He has a couple of drinks, he drives down the road...

There could be an accident.

And what would they say?

Giovanna, to me it makes no difference, I'm taking off now.

Goodbye, Righetto.

Hey, Giovanna, I've got some good wine at my place. Come on over.

- I upset you ?- You're under my leg. - I didn't notice. - I did.

- Come on, you'll forget the old man. - Oh God, I'm so upset I

There she is, still sitting in a bar room !

Stop for a drink and there's a wife, too.

Alright, get home or you'll be spending all my money, too!

Damn, that girl really gets to me I

Hey, what's this ? You've only set it for one ? You eaten already?

None for me.

You know I eat at this end.

Same slop every night! Pasta and beans, pasta and beans...

Giovanna in the hands of that old man... but what can I do?

- Give me another one !- Marlon Brando ! Glasses cost money !

- Ever loved a woman? - Sure. Then I got married.

You heard about Battiferri?

He ran his truck into the ditch tonight, right off the road.

- He did ? How ? - The fool shouldn't drive the truck any more.

They should take his license away, he almost hit me!

I didn't see him until he was a few feet from me, then I jumped off.

- Lucky !- He drowned? - He'll be in hospital for awhile.

- His truck's gone. - Poor him !

- This afternoon he had 4 new tires put on his truck. - Did he ?

What a waste of money.

I must have skidded 30 feet,

I remember the water coming toward me, and that's all.

At 75, your reflexes aren't so good. And now my truck's gone!

And I still got my husband. Signor Battiferri, please, listen to me.

- I must keep the money. - I couldn't help it. - Poor man.

- I may die here and who'd know ? Who'd care if I died here ? - No!

I don't know anybody... Nobody's going to bury me!

They'll send me to the mortuary, they'll cut me up.

- You mustn't say that, please. - Nobody worries about me.

One of those young interns was talking about it this morning.

You'll be fine ! I would like to give you more ! Really !

But you've got to let me keep some of the money. I have to have some.

- Nobody kills anyone for nothing. - Get yourself a professional man I

A professional killer! An amateur can't help.

- Do you know one ? - There was someone... - Tell me. Who is it?

- Peppe Baffolino. He killed his mother. - Mamma mia!

He'll kill your husband for 100.000 lire. But it will be worth it.

Because a professional man knows his job, he'll do the right thing.

- They're taking me to the morgue! - Thank you !

That's not much money. You hear what she's offering?

- You don't understand me! - We are not running a charity.

- My name is Pugile. - She wants to hire us to get rid of her husband.

- We have to be paid. - I'll pay you. - That's too bad.

We have a lot of operators. It costs a lot to murder someone.

- Make a better offer. - For that money, there's nobody.

- I'll give you all the money I have. - How much is that again?

Same thing. 75.

75.000 lire. You've got to admit, it's better than nothing.

- It's business, signora. I can't work that way. - There is no more!

Doesn't do any good to get upset. Let's talk more.

I told you the amount and that's it.

That's not enough money! Look at my staff!

Why do you need an army? You can do it yourself !

No, I can't ! They're pan of my staff, they've got to be here.

I'll explain to you. Our number one man will bring us the victim.

Then he is joined by number two.

Number three acts as lookout.

- And who's this ? - He's my brother-in-law, he lost his job.

- I promised I'd find him work. - Times are hard.

I'm paying for the whole gang !

If we do this job right, it'll look natural.

That's why you hire professionals, we make it look accidental.

We pick the right location.

You'll make a very pretty widow, just give us the money.

Afterwards you'll sue the city and get your money back.

- It's 10.000 lire on account. - I said all the money. - Take it!

You should jump with happiness, I've giving you some work !

We don't like troublemakers and we don't kill for nothing.

Do you understand me?

Stop playing games ! Where's the rest of the money ?

You think that I'd be that stupid to give you all the money now?

I know how to do these things.

You'll take that money as a deposit and the rest when the job is done.

Think it over I They want the money now... They think I'm an idiot!

- What do you think ? - Tell her we'll be here.

Alright. This evening you meet us here, bring the rest of the money.

Something has happened, I feel it. He's never this late.

Enough with your husband!

He might have fallen into the ditch, he's drunk ! Mamma mia!

- You'll feel better tomorrow. - Tomorrow ? What if he's dead ?

The devil looks after his own.

I'm so upset. The things I imagine... It's so hot!

I might as well wait at home. I can't go on sitting here.

- I've got to go out and look for him, to find him !- Poor thing !

- Giovanna, where are you going? - I'm busy. - Let me come with you.

I said I'm busy, don't bother me !

We've been waiting for you. The job is done, it's all over.

That's right, all over.

- Mamma mia, I'm a widow... - Give me the money. - Alright.

- How do I know you're not lying? - Come over here, look at the body.

- Hurry up, we have to get away. - Is he there ? Under the car?

- Where?-Over here. - Where ? - Here. Down here.

- Where ? - You're blind ? Take a look !- I can't, I'm afraid.

- My God ! What did I do ?! - There he is. Now hand over my money

He'd swallowed so much liquor, he blew up like a balloon.

Mamma mia... Mamma mia... I'm going to be sick.

Get away, all of you ! Come on, get away!

I want to die with my husband ! Let me die ! Let me die!

There's no reason for me to live now that my husband is gone!

I want to be with my husband ! I'm all alone ! I'm an orphan !

No mother, no sister, no brother... nobody cares about me ! No!

- What do you think you're doing? - I'm having a heart attack!

- I loved him. - Hey, what's that fuss about ? You're crazy?

- Who's that ? - Me ! Don't you know your husband ? - No!

I'll get somebody...

Giovanna, do you love me by now?

- I don't think about things like that. - You're holding tight.

Just to stay on.

- Slow down ! - I got it !

Wait for me here.

What happened last night?

You !

- Tell me about last night. - I don't know this lady, do you?

- No. Leo ? - That's not true ! - We never saw you before, lady.

- Stand up when you speak to a lady. - Sorry, we don't know you.

- You're making a mistake. - The mistake was yours.

Was it a plot last night? Because all you did was steal my money.

You even made me look at a corpse!

Who was the corpse with his head in the water?

It was you, brother-in-law ! You'd do anything that one told you!

- Get out. - I'm not joking.

If that money is not returned, somebody will bash your heads!

Do whatever you like, but I think that the police would like to know

that a certain lady had us to kill her husband.

Police ? You robbed me and said: "Forget it !".

You don't mean to make profit on an orphan.

Please, you're not men without hearts!

Tell me that it's only a joke! Give me back the money I

We don't play jokes !You'd better get out of here ! Bring them over!

- No money... Gone! - Let's go.- No money...

Your eyes are sad... but what's the use of crying ?

Freedom is a thing that's not for buying.

Remember, you're a woman,

and men, they are only human!

Here is your chance and now is the time for trying.

Don't wait around...

to back old sorrow.

Don't wait around...

there's no tomorrow.

Don't wait around...

I might as well admit it to myself. It's hopeless !

- There's my fur coat, but it's not worth much. - More prosciutto?

- Do I want prosciutto. - Hey ! - Prosciutto ? - Nothing !

Don't suffer like that. You know I love you. Do you love me?

I might, you know ? But still, I'm not sure.

Because, don't forget, I'm a married woman.

And I want you to respect me.

Only, when you're near...

But it's not just physical pleasure I want.

I need more, is that unusual ? I want to be loved by someone.

- Don't you believe me ? - Why do you keep worrying about it?

“Don't worry about it”.. Easy to say

You tell me you love me and want us to stick together...

If you really mean that, help me and prove it!

I'll prove it to you, but you prove something to me first.

Don't you want to show me how much you love me?

You want me ?

- I want you. - You promise you won't cheat on me later?

You don't think I'm responsible.

Listen, I'm not against discussion.

Upstairs there's a nice quiet room where we can talk it over. Eh?

Loan see that you're not in the right mood. You might be later.

Not in the right mood? Two years, Righetto... Can't wait!

- Two years... Two years I've waited. - We'll be upstairs.

- Your bill ! - I'll take care of it later. - Which way ? - Out here.

It's late ! Are you sure you know what to do?

I'll go meet him after work. OK ? We'll meet you at the ditch.

- You'll be waiting for me there. - I'll go alone, it's better.

Why not stay here ? You can meet me at the bar after the accident.

No, I've got to bring him to the exact spot,

or it won't look like an accident.

You push him in where I say and it'll look natural.

You know what you should do?

You'll be in the bushes

and when you see him, push him into the ditch.

You told me the same thing three times already. I know what to do.

He can't swim, you're sure?

It'd be stupid to push him into the water, if he could swim!

My husband can't do anything. Go to sleep, I'll explain it again later.

That's a good play.

What do I have?

Cut off that music! Can't you see we got a game here?

He's my cousin and I want to hear him play music, if you don't mind.

- Go on playing. - Who are you? - What's the difference?

I got out of jail today, after six years. The judge made a mistake.

Had he gotten the three, he would have won. Want anything to drink ?

Something happened down at the ditch !

- Excuse me. Let me have a brandy. - What's the matter?

Nothing that brandy can cure.

- I don't like people who stare. - So what are you looking at?

- 'Who is he ? - He's just out of jail, let him be. - I see.

- Jail... - You got any brandy? It's urgent. - What the hell...

- Hey, your drink !- 0h, damn! - Fine. - How did it happen?

Someone pushed me in the dark and next thing I know I'm in the ditch.

- Who do you think he was? - I couldn't see, it was dark.

Couldn't see...

Hey, buddy, better drink something.

- What's her name ? - Giovanna.

Giovanna. I'll remember it.

Never mind that... You know it's up to you now.

No guy can make a killing,

alter too much fulfilling.

Find someone else and start your life anew now.

Don't wait around...

'cause here you are.

Don't wait around...

love isn't far.

Don't wait around...

reach for your star.

"Under the guise of confessing and purifying her conscience,

an infatuated woman induces a holy brother

to unwittingly provide the means to satisfy her longings."

"Ecumenical Council"... Where do we go ?

Monsignor Filippo Arcudi,

head of the diocese of the Caracciolini Fathers,

arrived in Rome to attend the third session of the Ecumenical Council

on a Friday morning, at 10:42 a.m..

His rank entitled him to the services of a secretary.

So he had brought his nephew Vicenzo along.

Vincenzo had been in his service for years,

but this was his first visit to the big city.

Vincenzo !

Let's go !

- What about my room? - I'm trying to find out.

Operator, please telephone the Foro Romano. it's a splendid hotel.

- Yes, yes. - The personnel is all male, including the telephone girl.

This is don Carlini speaking. ls my reservation still reserved?

Absolutely hopeless. What? One monsignore coming by taxi?

- I have one room, absolutely. - See ? Go ahead, take a taxi.

- Taxi! - OK.

- Why do you wear that dress? - Don't you like it?

- You can't go around in that. - I can't do more than wear mourning.

- You told me to dye it black, so it shrank a bit. - It surely did.

That monsignore in 209 wants a leather hassock in his room.

He saw one in monsignor Palletta's.

- Hello ? - I wouldn't give in on the hassocks.

If you do, then you'll need 100.

- How many ? - A monsignore and his secretary. I don't have any rooms.

Put them in yours. Then you can sleep with your wife again.

You're my wife, after all. Pull down your skirt, it's indecent.

My dear, what's the difference?

They made me discharge all the maids and get men instead.

- Now what do you want me to do? - It's not a hotel any more.

- It's a cloister. - Excuse me? - Yes ? - Do you have a moment?

Yes. Stay behind there. One day the Ecumenical Council will finish.

And will you last this one out? The last took 35 years.

"Portiere" !

Vincenzo ?

There's a double room reserved in my name, here's the reservation.

I trust there's no difficulty about it.

Young lady, I'm talking to you, can't you see that?

- Yes, loan see that. - Then tell me what I asked.

Is there a difficulty about the reservation I have ?

- Tell me, signora. Talk to me! - Oh, no, no, no, monsignore.

There's no difficulty now. We expected you.

And when you expect a person...

can't let that person go somewhere else.

Fine, fine, give us the room. What are we waiting for now?

303.

- Thank you. - Thank you. - 304, thank you. - Thank you.

- I'll take the other one. - Thanks.

Just a moment! Excuse me.

- You're Franciscans, aren't you ? - Yes. - Yes. - Yes, Franciscans.

- Then you took a vow of poverty. - Yes, and of modesty. - Fine.

Saint Francis said that we must give all we possess to the poor.

- It's marvelous. - No brother has 2 tunics. - Or 2 pairs of sandals.

- Not a beret either. - Nothing at all. - Nothing.

Then three rooms for six is a luxury, almost a sin.

Think of poor Saint Francis of Assisi. Am I right ?

It's all fixed. Everything is ready, monsignore.

- Ready. - Vincenzo ?

- Furio, monsignore and his secretary in 303. - Let's go.

- Brother Saverio will be with us. - You'll take brother Domenico.

- Don't forget to set the alarm ! - 0h, no.

The first call is at midnight, the second at 2:00.

- Call me at 6:00 !- And me at 8:00 !- With coffee and cake.

- My cloak. - Yes.

- Good morning. - Morning.

Thank you.

- These are yours. - Thank you.

All of it due to the dogmatic tenacity...

"Dogmatic" is spelt like "stigma": G-M-A. It's the same thing.

Besides, I must now advise you of the importance...

Wait a minute. Hello ? What good news?

Is this room you got for him next to mine ? is it fourth floor?

Better than nothing, I'm grateful.

Monsignore, the pleasure is all ours.

You'll be moved to 412, on the fourth floor.

- I'll help you. - Come on, brothers, it's right down here.

Would Saint Francis like this?

Up YOU go!

- Put this on this side !- We're dismantling the whole hotel.

Isn't someone going to help?

He must be blind!

I'll show him now!

Stop it ! Silence, now!

Silence ! Stop the noise!

Excuse me, monsignore.

Monsignore ?

Now, Vincenzo...

You deliver this letter personally and wait for the answer.

And if you have ten more minutes, walk around the rectory.

The footstool !

- Excuse me, I'm sorry! - It hurts ! The blanket!

Give it to me. Go ahead, now.

- What are you waiting for? - A little money for the taxi fare.

Cabs at your age 7! Walk, my boy, walk ! It's very good for you !

- Put out that sign, "Do not disturb". - Yes, uncle.

- Please, may I come in? - No, there's a sign on the door.

Yes, I know it's there, and it's much better that way.

- So no one will disturb us. - What do you want? - Monsignore...

I don't know what to do. There's a problem I can't solve.

I tried everything, but... I don't know where to turn.

I understand, you want to make a confession. Just a minute.

0h, no, I didn't come here to confess.

Well, tell me what it is.

You see, you... only you can help me, Father.

If I mentioned it to my husband, it would be terrible !

- And I can't face the other man. - I'll get my stole.

But my conscience is clear.

You just said there's another man. What kind of a man is he?

It's your nephew, monsignore.

- My nephew ? Vincenzo ? - Yes. - What has Vincenzo done to you?

- He molests, he persecutes me. - Persecutes you ?Vincenzo 7!

With his eyes, up to now.

Since you arrived, he has never taken his eyes off my body.

No, he's just a boy, Vincenzo !

No, my dear, don't be silly! This is just your imagination I

Imagination, monsignore?

He undresses me in his mind. He goes around stripping me.

Sorry, but I had to explain to you.

It's obscene, he winks at me, he's fresher each day. That pig !

Sometimes I start going up a staircase, I look down and...

It's fortune you decided to tell me !

It's the absolute truth. And there's more.

The room clerk is on his side now. I'm sure he's paid the man a bribe.

Impossible !

He has fixed things so as to have the room next to mine.

Now I can only take my clothes off in the dark.

- Because he made three holes in my door ! - Three ? - Three!

I stop them up, he unplugs them... I stop them up, he unplugs them...

You stop them up and he unplugs them!

Monsignore, you must do something about this.

I've done everything I know to make him understand,

but he doesn't want to.

- You must talk to him. - Yes. - He must let me alone.

He must not take advantage of the fact that my husband is very busy.

It's impossible. I can't believe it, because I know him so well.

After all I brought the boy up... and I'm his confessor !

My dear, he's 22, and despite his 17 months of military service,

he doesn't... I mean, he doesn't...

he doesn't know anything about women.

- I see. - Vincenzo wants to be pure when he gets married.

Monsignore, he changed his mind!

First he changed his room... He'll be punished.

No, no, I didn't ask you that. I'll stick more plugs in.

Please talk to the boy about it. You just tell him all that I said.

And I'm sure he will understand what he has to do, Father.

And if he doesn't, he's really an idiot.

Come in, uncle. I delivered the letter. Anything I can do for you ?

I came downstairs earlier, but I saw the "Do not disturb" sign.

That's the bathroom.

I find this satisfactory. It's small, but comfortable.

The man there is very nervous.

- I think he's a priest from the Sistine Chapel. - A priest?

- From the Sistine Chapel, huh? - Why are you hitting me?

Tonight you'll go back to my room.

Come in.

I had to shave myself, you're late ! I've got a meeting...

- 0h, it's you !- Yes. - What's the matter ? Vincenzo again ?

- Yes. - What's he done to you now ? Looked or worse ? - Worse.

- Worse than that? - Worse. - What did he do ?

- Did he suggest anything? - Much worse !- My God!

I must do something.

- I didn't do anything. - You didn't do anything ? - No.

You're going to burn in hell, you sinner ! You'd better confess!

- Last night you tried to break into her bedroom ? - No. - Yes!

- You knew her husband sleeps on the floor below. - No!

You stay here !Vincenzo, confess or I'll have to break your head!

She's lying ! Don't you trust me ?

Why should this woman make up this fantasy? Explain to me !

You say it's not true, right? Then why should she do such a thing?

Try to explain to me, if you can. Why ? Why ?

- Tell me why !- It's just because... - Just because...?

Vincenzo, the first time I believed you, but now I don't.

But for the moment I'm going to forget about it. To err is human.

But listen, Vincenzo... if that woman comes again to me

and complains about the slightest thing you do...

I'll kill you, I'll excommunicate you, I'll fire you,

and I'll send you back home!

Understand ?

Understand ? Understand ?

I was stupid. I understand.

It's all plain.

- Aren't you going to finish your steak ? - I'm finished.

My son, at your age you must eat! You need all your strength.

Uncle, I've got to go. Excuse me.

Can't you wait until I finish this little piece of bread ?

How can I find my sister's letter in all this mess?

- What ? What letter? - Wait. - Ah, that one you want.

- My sister-in-law's ? - No, your grandmother's ! Where is it?

- Please !- Who's there ? - Nothing... - Can l talk to you ?

- One of those crazy friends... - Listen...just for a moment.

Signora, I must talk to you.

Is this the time to look for that letter 7!

Hello. I want to speak to monsignore Arcudi.

Hello. Did I wake you ?

Is it you ?Vincenzo, I was so worried about you. What happened?

- Will you come and get me? I got lost. - You stupid donkey!

Please, come, because I'm lost! Hello ?

- I'm a sick man, I beg you to have mercy. - Are you in the hospital?

- I'm not there. Crazy... - What's that ? - I've gone crazy. - Crazy?

I don't mean like an idiot or a fool.

- I'm a maniac, but it's sexual, uncle. - Sexual?

- I misled that poor girl, so meek, so pure. - You mean, Beatrice?

Yes, her. Let me stay in your room tonight, uncle. I mustn't be alone.

- Hello ? You must... - Alright, I understand.

- Would you come and get me here? - Yes, but where are you?

I need the name of the street.

I'm not sure what it's called. Hold on !

I'll ask someone, just a minute.

- Excuse me, where are we? - Via Veneto.

Goodnight.

Monsignore, I must speak to you, it's important.

- About... - Alone, in private.

Get in there ! Wait for me and don't move ! Don't you move!

Get upstairs !You're disgusting !

I'll kill you I Do you hear me? I'll kill you I

- Shame on you !- How could I have done it, I was with you !- Drugs !

You gave me those sleeping pills, with my weak heart, too I

Vincenzo ?

Vincenzo ? Vincenzo !

Vincenzo, open the door and come out so that I can kill you.

Come out and I'll kill you first, before her husband gets here I

Her husband was in the room with her when you tried to attack her.

- Was there her husband ? -Yes.

Vincenzo !Vincenzo !

- Come outside ! Come out now! Are you coming ? - No.

Alright. You'll have to come out some time and I'll be here.

I don't move from this place, you hypocrite !

You hypocrite ! Hypocrite, little Judas.

I brought him up, and all he does is betray my teachings.

He confessed his purity to me, while behind my back,

he was plotting to pursue her to Grotta Ferrata and capture her !

He followed her!

She goes to see her mother-in-law in her house in Grotta Ferrata.

Sadist ! That poor girl is searching for safety and peace.

She can't find it. Where can she go ? America ? China?

No more. Murder me, if you like, but let's get this straight.

I'm innocent, now I'm going to prove it to you.

You're hurting my mouth, uncle. Can we talk this over calmly?

What is this Grotta Ferrata ? A cave or a place?

- A place !- I'm ignorant. How am I supposed to have gotten there ?

How ? Very simple, in a street car, a tram !

- What number? -42!

That's all ?

And how am I supposed to have paid my fare?

You stole it from me, alter you gave me the sleeping pills.

After I arrived there, how did I get to find the house she was at?

- There must be more than one! - There is, sure!

But only one has her husband's name on, Carlone!

How did I get in the house?

You climbed over the fence, like a criminal.

- Found yourself a ladder and climbed up. - Put that bottle down.

No ! Don't hit me again ! No, uncle!

And if that poor girl had locked herself in the room,

so you couldn't get in,

who knows what might have happened!

Stupid !

And so, at long last, they found great pleasure in one another.

And repeatedly pursued the roads of satisfaction and delight.

Then the young woman bethought herself of the older man

who had helped her attain this bliss without any idea of doing so.

So grateful was she to him,

that she decided to pay him in some small measure for all he had done.

After a few weeks' thought, she finally found the way.

- Good morning, monsignore! - My daughter.

- I've planned a surprise. - Surprise ?

- I have a nice single room, you can see St. Peter's... - No...

Our room is fine. We see it from my room.

Please ! I won't permit you to go on sleeping in two like that.

- And to sacrifice yourself because of me. - Well...

- You think we can trust him ? - Absolutely.

- Yes, I think he's finally cured. - Yes, finally he understood.

- Thanks to you, he understood. - Yes.