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Connor?

Connor, is that you?

Welcome to the jungle, bitch!

Aah!

Direct hit.

Dude, did you see that shit?

Yeah, you were all like "Boosh"!

Yeah!

to make you retarded.

We could take a stand.

Then what?

I think I heard something.

Sometimes you gotta lose to win.

For the motherland.

For Blue.

You guys are losers.

Ow. My ankle. I rolled it.

Oh, you rolled your ankle, huh?

Yeah.

Huhh!

No!

Aah!

Aww.Aww.

Dude, get off!

Blue Team wins.Off!

Proceed to lobby...Good game, guys.

Oh, no, I would shake your hand,

Blue Team wins. Proceed to lobby...

what with being single and all?

Oh, boosh!

Come on, come on, come on.

and I am not drinking mouthwash again.

Oh, shit.

Hey.

Blue team wins.

Ring ding ding ding,

ring-a-ding ding ding, ring ding ding ding.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Assemble nightly here

for the finest laser in the burg.

but thanks for the free game.

Oh, yeah, no worries.

Uh, the haze kinda makes my asthma act up,

and all the activity gives me night terrors, so I--

Hey, Gary, how you getting to the party, man?

By bike. You guys can ride handlebars if you want,

I gotta clean all the sweat off the vests.

You know what, man? I think I might

just not go to this party.

No. We cannot miss this party.

From who?

Enh.

No. I would rather sell my nuts to science.

It can if they punch us.

Whatever.

Claire invited us.

Dude, not in the car.

Hey, guys.

Ah hah.

Ah, boosh!

Good aim, partner.

Oh. Oh, I get it.

Gays are subhum--

Like what Nazis would think.

Right. Okay, so, we were wondering, uh,

if you guys could give us a lift to the cabin tonight.

What do you think, Rick?

There you go.Finally.

Come on. So we won at laser tag.

The trunk is full of football shit,

and we need the rest of the room for beer.

Yo, ride.

Oh, yes!

Hop in, Breeze.Totally.

See? Now we extra need the room for beer.

Shut it, nerd!Ohh.

Give me one good reason, Todd.

Okay.

Peace, bitch!

Breeze. Breeze.

Whoa. Boosh.

Uh, we can just tell him you hit a deer.

From behind?

kindly let me out.

Yeah. Okay.

I mean--I mean, let me just, uh, move my car.

God damn it, dude!

Looks like a lawyer, dude.

I hate lawyers.

feeding off the solid waste of a decadent society.

Which brings us to you.

Who?

I mean, what?

One might gather from my mode of transport that I am a...

Listen, Your Honor,

Did he just call us turds before?

How much money do you have?

Uh, like, on me?

Give it to me.

Oh, I got a-- just a little bit.

So, are we cool?

Are we cool?

by fast food and lap bands,

Cool, then.

Oh, uh, yeah. I know his address.

You should probably talk to his dad in person.

Stupidity is its own punishment, boys.

Take care.

One never knows what lurks

in those distant deeps and skies...

to paraphrase.

I liked him.

Hmm. Where were we?

Oh, yes.

Introductions.

Wrong.

"Oh, my God. Is he in my brain?"

Come off it, dude.

or your dick got stuck in a train whistle,

which frankly I would have appreciated being in the loop on.

Okay, she collects them, and screw you, dude.

So give it to her at the party.

She can hang it on your square boner.

No. What?

Partying!

Are you kidding me?

Noah, we leave for school in a week.

and I am not gonna watch you go out like a chump.

So you can either walk home alone

and fill a satchel with your tears,

mail it to her with an all-Cure mix tape labeled from no one,

or you can stop being a suicide girl,

come to this party with me,

endure 10 awkward seconds,

then get drunk with the nerds

and take our shirts off like always.

Will you carry me?

hand, moment when

Just? Yeah.

For who? Like, a baby?

I could get fired.

Stop touching that.

Well, you probably should have come a couple hours ago.

Maybe he would have fallen for your masterful psychology.

Shows what you know.

It was reverse psychology,

basically the exact opposite.

Boosh.

Hey, come on, Mary.

without liquid refreshment, can we?

Just give it a rest.

Shut up, dude!

Go play with the toys. Breeze.

Those guys are crazy, right?

Kinda out of control and ridiculous.

and there are no neighbors around for miles. Come on.

Uh, the football team, uh,

Claire, Becca,

Chet, you know, the crew.

Yeah, right.

You know me.

Um, okay.

Listen, you do us this favor,

No.

Graduating, you start thinking about a lot of stuff,

My--My only real regret

with touching.

I swear, Mary...

there is something about you.

Okay. Yes?

You know what? Fine. Fine. Yes!

One condition. What?

I get to come after my shift ends.

There better be booze left.

No. Not her. Not her. No.

write down the address.

The address is...

123 Secluded Lane.

And with those directions I gave her,

You stone-cold bastard.

probably just gave her the thrill of her life.

Totally, Todd!

Belt, bro.

What do I say about belts, Rick?

Seat belts are for pussies.

Whoa. Hey, check it out.

Who?

Uh, good-talking guy.

Van guy.

There are rules,

rules designed to keep us safe.

and watch Peep Show.

Check this out.

Learn how to park your van, asshole!

...half-hour.

Means if we make it in less than an hour, 15,

Oh. Shitty.

Wow! Look at all these cars.

How did no one pass us?

Because we took a stupid shortcut

through a stupid quarry.

Dennis, cars tend to avoid pits of loose stone.

Oh, dude. Looks like I crapped my pants in the front,

which is somehow worse.

Forget your pants, man.

I love this song.

You do?

Yeah. You know, whatever, ironically.

This is gonna suck.

Oh.

What the hell are you doing here?

Claire invited us.

Whatever.

You think you can handle that?

so if you get too drunk to drive,

We walked.

Coming.

Hey, guys. Glad you could make it.

Hey, Claire.

Um, great cabin, Todd.

Hey, Todd, uh, you sure you want to handle the keg yourself?

I mean judging from laser tag,

and count it as a win.

You got a team of writers to come up with that, or you guys--

like a remix modernization.

Who the hell is Oscar Wilde?!

Yeah? Is that gonna be before or after Todd bangs her in front of you.

Before...

one would hope.

So, you guys look terrible.

Uh, yeah. Uh, we walked.

There was a quarry involved.

Sounds fun.

Cool. Uh, so get drunk, okay?

Have fun.

Cool.Will do.

Ah, um, Noah...

had something to give to you.

Really?

Noah.

What is it?

Not so much give, uh, as...

um, I have-- I have a thing,

um...

Sometimes you just-- too many--

Sorry.

Oh.

Oh.

Actually, here. I need those back.

I was, like, just gonna have one.

Oh.

It was good to, uh, see you.

Doo doo doo doo!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the keg is officially tapped!

Come on. I want to do a keg stand,

and you have to hold my skirt down.

What?Jake, Sharpie.

Balls, the Freshmaker.

Hey, Jakey, you want to go get bakey?

Oh, my God, yes. Hey, be right back, babe.

Sorry about that punk.

What a jerk.

And these people get laid.

What happened to the whistle-dick, man?

The whistle-dick would have worked.

Wow. Nice shards.

I mean, this is a sign.

That a micron-thin shaft of glass

you kept in your pocket all day somehow broke?

Just give it to her anyway.

How?

You know, I hear they have this magical elixir here

that actually makes you forget.

Whoo! Best party ever!

Remember...

Two at the most.

Three. Three at the most.

All right, everybody listen up!

All right, me and Ricky spent all week working on the rules,

so everybody make sure you understand.

The game is called shooting shotguns. Okay?

with a basic round-robin structure.

Now, there are four teams...

Timberwolves, Jack-offs,

King of Queefs, and Leaning Tower of Pizza.

Timberwolves-- got me, Ricky, Breeze.

Word. Thanks, Todd!

Also, if you have any foam left in your beer

but there will be a penalty

of two shotgunned beers on the spot,

so watch your foam, fuckers.

Hey, you want a beer, Claire?

Yeah. Thanks.

Oh, wet T-shirt punk!

Fuck you, slut.

Todd! Todd! Todd!

Oh, Todd. Are there any...Todd! Todd! Todd!

Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd...

Todd, are there any clothes I can...

Use your mouth.

Look at his face. He loved it.

First blood! Four times multiplier!

My team gets four times!

I am legend!

Cheese to cheese!

Hey, I walked eight miles for this.

Yeah, well, I walk four miles to school

Gary, you want a slice?

Are you serious? First of all,

Like, the first season.

Yeah, I need to get drunk right now.

Ditto. Shots.

Never have I ever...

had sex with a nonliving thing.

Okay, wait. So how does it work again with--

you put a finger down, and you drink. Did I actually get you?

True or false--

"I have never had sexual intercourse

with a thing that is not living"?

Like alive how? Like...

Not dead.

Yeah, but like a corpse,

or like an inanimate object?

Who said corpse?

Inanimate object. Does it make a difference?

Yeah.

All right. You got me.

of dude that you

I had sex with a bowl of yogurt.

Oh, Jesus.

Be-Because the Go-Gurt tubes were too small.

Well, not if you microwave it.

What?

Hey, Noah.Oh, man.

Me and Gary here are having an intellectual conversation.

Gary fucked yogurt.Gary what?

I, um, am not gonna deny that.

I never really told you why... you know.

because you so are.

Okay, well, would a nice guy bring you shards of glass?

Fuck.

This is really bleeding.

I can hear everything you guys are saying,

but I want you to know that I have problems, too,

yogurt problems.

I was just looking for a physical relationship,

Okay, I will plow you right now.

Really?

Dude, sick.

Yeah.Yeah.

Yeah. Come on.

Not right now, but we could come up with a time.

We could check our calendars and just compare.

Wait, Claire!

Oh, Jesus.

Okay, Whoa! You almost got me.

Occupied indefinitely.

Come on!

What part of ocupadodo you not understando, friendo?

Yeah? Okay.

Yeah, you are.

Making it rain, baby!

Come on!

Aw, boosh.

Like, Breeze is gonna be the one

who totally makes it rain.

"Good job, Breeze." Thanks, Coach.

Aah!

This sucks.

No. This is fun.

This is what fun is.

I think you get better at it.

She said I was a nice guy.

She said I was-- I was a great person.

You are a great person.

Fuck you, man!

Aw, cute.

You shot me, asshole!

Sorry, man. I thought you were a big, fat coyote.

Are you retarded? Are you a retarded person?!

BB punk.

The painful punk.

Come on!

Jake, stop it!

Take a joke.

Like these things could penetrate

one layer of his orca ass.

Wow. Your dad sounds kinda badass.

No, I mean could you not touch it?

Dude! Why are you

such a dick all the time?!

Guess I gotta stay in practice.

Yeah. I bet you practice...

with dicks.

Dick practicer!

No way. Yeah.

Whatever. I want people

to get the fuck out of here anyway.

Okay, six.

Six, the absolute maximum.

Oh, come on.

I gave you, like, two beers

and a thimble of rum in a liter of cola.

Chill out, Hemingway.

You poisoned me, okay?

You poisoned me, my friend.

How does that feel, Dennis?

How does it feel to poison your best friend?

Fine, I guess.

Shut up.

Whoa. Hey, you need--

Where are you going, man?

Where are you going?

This is what you do.

I love you.

No.

What are you doing, pervert?

Your mom probably has a bunch.

Stop it!

Come on. Let him watch.

Shut up, Jake!

What are you doing?!

Yeah, uh...

What the fuck?! What are you--

Scream, and I kill her right now.

Oh, man.

They must be really making a lot of love up there.

What?

Well...

go on.

Hey, shut up about that, dude.

You broke my arm!

You broke my fucking arm!

Quite likely.

A two-story fall is no small adventure.

Now, your friend was lucky.

I paralyzed him, loosened his muscles,

or he might have broken something himself.

Do you know what trepanning is?

What? What the fuck are you--

Hey! You know what?

I was going to do him first,

Trepanning!

Coming around, are we?

Yes.

We have a winner.

No blood. Nothing.

Because he took them in the blanket!

Central and Native American tribes

thought trepanation would rid the mind of evil spirits.

And medieval doctors used it to treat dementia,

but I have something far simpler in mind.

Sorry about the smell.

Not to worry, though.

The lye tends to slip along the meninges

and dissolve the brain from the bottom up.

and I would have stopped one more vapid,

entitled clot of genetic material

from curdling the gene pool.

Driller--

Driller Killer.

Have we met?

The Driller Killer.

There was an Unsolved Mysteries about you.

Only the ones about serial killers.

Jake, what the fuck are you--

The guy that played me was awful,

no layering whatsoever, hmm?

You killed that lady in Oxnard.

And such dreadful writing.

They found her body, but her brain was, like--

Jake, stop talking to him.

Shut up, Becca!

My dad is an a--

Quiet, please.

You ever hear of the Glasgow smile?

like Heath Ledger in Batman

or that guy from Ichi the Killer. Did you see that?

Gross.

Someone has to call 911.

Phones out here suck.

Uh, and I, too, have no reception.

Why would I be making this up?

the knowledge base to fully appreciate my murder of you,

What did I just say? Pay attention.

I mean, as an enthusiast,

this is a rare educational opportunity

You know that 90% of serial murderers

are caught, right?

Especially ones with a trademark killing technique.

Well, then, I will have to diversify.

If you cut me loose, I could teach you some moves. Heh.

Right. Sarcasm.

30 seconds from now.

Look, Dennis, come on, man. Back me up!

Dennis!

Dude.

This is my fault. I made him drink a little bit, sort of.

Look, listen to me!

Becca and Jake are in severe danger.

Yeah, in danger of vagina sex.

Help! In here! Help!

Becca?

Come on, Noah. Can we just get out of here, please?

Noah, I can drive you guys home if you need it.

Oh.

Little baby wants his girlfriend back,

Yeah, because witnessing a kidnapping

is super-cool detective bullshit, you douche bag!

Dude.

Todd, guys, stop!

Hey! Where the hell is everyone?!

See? Dipshit.

Jake, dude-- Eww! What the--

Killed Becca.

Are you punking us, Jake?

Todd, is Jake punking us?

Okay, I told you. I told--

Everyone shut the fuck up!

Jake, did he mention anything about a dented van?

Todd! Jake, just tell us what happened.

He gave-- He gave us some drug.

Becca passed out.

A--A bear came.

Bear?! Like, a bear?

Yes, a fucking bear!

And--And it chased him away.

And I got-- I cut my ropes off,

but Becca, sh-- she was--she looked so...

Okay, listen!

I...

Is anybody cool to drive?!

No, Todd. Absolutely not.

Rick, is that fear piss or drunk piss?

About 50-50.

Okay, is anybody less drunk than that?

Hey, whippets count?

And, uh, just between me and the bird,

Anybody else?!

Over here.

Okay. Sick.

This is not ideal.

Then again...

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Ho ho. That was cl--

What should we be doing?!

Move!

Ricky, stop it!

Go get the keg.

Move it!

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Ah, great job, Breeze.

Now you get to pay the deposit on the keg.

Block the windows. Move furniture.

There is a murderer outside!

Breeze, dude--

Hey, watch the legs, all right?

Put something underneath that.

Hey, shut up!

What?

Like, are there any other entrances or exits? A garage?

Basement?

Oh, um, shut up.

Todd! What?

No. Upstairs and downstairs.

Okay, fine. Whatever. What about the BB gun?

What about it?

Does it shoot BBs?

I will punch you with my face!

Oh, shit. The garage, you guys!

I said, "Garage"!

Seems clear.

No! Not clear! Not clear!

Use the keypad! Lock it!

No, no! The other keypad!

No, you have to shut it first!

Hold it! You have to hold it!

No, you held it too long! What is your problem?!

You gotta--

My dad said he was gonna fix this.

Damn it!

What?! That is bullshit!

My house is not bullshit!

Is this a two or a--

Just put it in!Okay, okay!

Pound, star, pound, prime.

Prime, like an asterisk?

Well, figure it out!Prime!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ohh! God!

Now, that hurts so...

Oh, my God.

Did you kill him?

Okay, living room, meeting, now!

This is no time for pizza.

Gotta--Need to carb up, man.

I gotta load up.

Maybe it was just dead. I mean, cars die.

The wires were ripped out of it.

Yeah. Okay, I did.

I say we take him out now.

Take him out?

This is the Driller Killer,

like from TV, killed 26 people,

never been caught.

Oh, am I? I must have that effect,

So either say something constructive,

or shut the hell up!

I bet he kills you next.

Fuck you.

See, this is just like a movie,

as you guys get picked off one by one, laughing my ass off,

Jake, will you go watch Doug?

Can you do that for us, please?

Of course.

That was a really good speech, man.

What if he has a gun this time?

Blitz! Not yet.

Have you ever even watched football?

Who touched me?!

Has it been dark this whole time?

Who said that?!

Everyone just shut up! Shut up!

Jake, shut up!

And?!

There are flashlights under the sink.

Ahh.

What now?

Oh, okay, stop that.

Sorry.

Now we get as many pieces--

I know. Sorry.

Dennis, help me break up some of these shelves.

Nah! Those shelves are actually African mahogany.

will I ever let you take any of those shelves off the wall.

Nothing burns like mahogany.

Yeah. Africans mill a hell of a board.

Should we blow on it?

I think you just poke it.

Man, we really should have done Boy Scouts.

Dennis, are you kidding me?

That counselor turned out to be a mega child molester.

Hey, if getting a handy would have provided me with the skills

required to defeat a serial killer,

So to speak.

I hunt!

You popped that deer.

I popped a bunch of deer.

I mean, the only thing Noah ever killed was...

He sucks.

Todd, look at Jake.

He needs our help.

You love Jake.

Ergo, you love dick!Ricky, shut up.

What?

What?

I think we should start rounding up weapons.

Uh, duh. I said that, like, forever ago.

Stop being a smartass!

Todd.

For what?

Sorry.

What?

Fine. Great. Where should we start?

Guess who.

Santa?

With what? Your genius boyfriend

broke every last piece of furniture.

Boyfriend?

Well, what do we have?

somebody could just climb up there, and umph.

Yeah, I volunteer for that mission.

Give me the nails.

Home Alone,dude.

Home Alone.

Good one, Breeze.

Nice try.

Whoa.

Wow! I did not practice that.

Now, who wants to die the quickest?

Oh, God, what was that?

The wind.

Blitz!

Boosh!

Hell, yeah!

We are fucking this dude up.

Todd, did I kill that man?

Dude, mad gats!

Your dad has a box of loaded rifles in the attic?

What is he, the Unabomber?

Give me that.

This is for Becca, you fuck!

Yeah, well, my dad usually does the stuff.

I just shoot.

Dude, what are you doing?

Beaten Night of the Dead, like, eight times, okay?

This is just like Lasertowne,

Damn. I thought it would explode.

I got this.Hey!

Wait. No.

Great.

Thanks, Noah.Noah?!

He was doing fine until you took the gun!

Yeah, and it was your car

that got us here in the first place.

Todd, is that true?Oh, God.

in your boobs, Claire?

Ohh!

Be quiet, please.

No, I should never have listened to you in the first place!

and--

Be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!

Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

You leave me alone!

You...

Tell me what to do, Noah!

Tell me what to do, dude!

Let him go!

Guys, stop it! Stop fighting!

Hey!

Cool.What happened?

We may or may not know how to use them.

I know how to use them.

I just forgot to bolt the...

flange.

And the guy?

He got shot, but he got away.

Who shot him?

Uh, he did, himself.

You guys are really a crack team.

Well, I shot him, but he had armor.

I say we track him.

All right, no offense, but so far,

What is that?

And track him with what?

Damn, what is...

Well, I vote we stay at headquarters.

Oh, no, man.

Shoot, Todd. Shoot.

Oh, dude! Oh, God.

Damn it!

Damn it.

Drop your weapons.

Should we take a vote?

Noah.Noah.

Okay.

And the stars threw down their spears.

To paraphrase.

Hail to the king, baby!

You okay, Gary?

There we are.

Wakey-wakey!

Ah, the one that got away.

The aficionado.

Or should I say hobbyist?

Wait. Wait! Come on, man!

Now does anyone else

want to join their friend in detention?

Now let this be a lesson to you.

Hard work is always rewarded.

Ah.

No! N-No!

Boosh!

How did you miss?

Shut it, nerd!

Oh, yeah, chain-saw hands really saved the day.

His name is Ash.

What the hell are you talking about?

Army of Darkness?

Army of what?!Darkness!

More like Army of Nerds!

How is this helping?You know, Todd,

I knew you were bad at laser tag, but this is--

Ow!Todd, stop it!

Aw, shut up, bitch!

What did you say?

I forgot that she was your girlfriend, fag.

boning me from behind as your dad watches! Aah!

Uh, I agree with the lesbian.

Quiet!

Uh...

Oh, no.

How does that not command your respect?

I respect you, sir.

Yeah, butter up the murderer, Rick.

If this is a question about the rules,

may I refer you to the title of the game?!

Uh, can I go to the bathroom?

What?Nothing!

Why not?

Shut up! Shut up!

You stupid, shallow waste of precious human life.

Bogus.

You gangrenous limb.

Todd?You parasite!

You contaminant!

Pay attention, children.

This is how we save the world.

Daddy?

Van. "Van" is the word I was thinking of.

Doug! Where the hell were you?

And then this happened.

Well, you want to untie me?

Come on.I got you, man.

All right.I got you, man.

Oh, man. They all go around each other.

Doug!Doug!

Oh, hey, man.This should do it.

I got it.

All right. Never mind.

Here. Cut me out.

Ohh!

Dennis! Nerd.

Dick.

Everyone stay still!

Except for you. You can move.

Jake, what the hell?!

Shut up!

What the hell?

Oh, my God.Jake.

Oh, God, Jake.

I know, right?

Ultimate punk.

Hey, Jakey, man--

Doug, untie me.

Yeah, Doug.Jake.

Untie him.Please, dude.

Me and this guy need to talk.

Got it?

Okay.

to kill you.

Awesome.

Wakey-wakey.

Oh, man. I was getting worried. Here. Drink.

Oops.

Spilled a little there.

Sorry about that.

What do you want?

Take me with you.

How is he? Did it hit any organs?

Dennis, do your organs feel pierced?

Uh, just the lungs and heart.

I want to go with you on murders, man.

I--I tried to tell you.

Yes, I gathered as much

when I found her splattered all over my van.

Murder implies planning.

Oh, you want a plan?

How about killing your girlfriend

pinning the whole thing on him,

then scoring a free bonus murder?

when it relies on the chance appearance of a bear.

This is my destiny.

I was just scared.

And when that bear was looking at me,

Same way I lost my virginity.

Right? And this is totally my dream job.

like a death professor.

I work alone.

"Should I--Should I stab him, buddy?"

"All signs point to yes."

but--Obviously, but I mean, like, just think about it, you know?

If this were a horror movie,

I would have killed someone!

All right, that should do it.

Now everybody just pile in.

Oh, shit.

In there. Yeah.

Well, take her out, because...

we all gotta fit in there.

If you just throw it in reverse,

Ricky, she was our friend.

Then you take her out.

Shotgun.

What is your name again?

but I want to change it to Death Professor.

Jake.

One day, when I was 11,

my mother walked me home from school.

decided the best way to move a fridge

from the top floor of their building to the bottom

was to put it...

on a boogie board,

lay plywood over the stairs

and let go.

Shot out of the top-floor window like a bullet,

crushed my mother like a watermelon.

She was still holding my hand.

These idiots

were allowed to keep living,

to have kids

and act like they were normal.

They were failures.

They were abnormalities.

If the system were working properly,

We broke it.

So I fix it.

I cull the herd.

the only one with the will

to keep humanity from devolving into a--

a stagnant pool of filth.

Now, you tell me, Jake.

Why did you kill that girl?

Uh, I...

I despair for the profession.

Yeah, my parents are nice and alive,

No. I suppose not.

Partners?

Ah, that would have been a smart move.

Yes. It would.

See, this is why you need to teach me.

Right. Ahem.

Give me the water and the machete,

Yeah. This is gonna be great, dude.

get--

Oh, God.

Is that how I sound?

Not good. Break down soon.

Will it make it back to town?

Not going to town.

Dennis needs a doctor!

Second.

And risk breaking down in the middle of the woods?

No. We play the short game.

and subdue them with extreme prejudice.

Chk-chk!

Secret stash for V.I.Pimps only.

All right, everybody should know that this asshole--

I took shop.

The van is not gonna make it to town, okay?

but I have to look out for everyone.

We already did that earlier.

What did we vote on?

Look, just get in the cab, okay?

while they hand out Darwin Awards.

Hah! Right.

Todd! Guys, stop!

Nah, man.

Come on!

Lame.

Oh, my God!

Guys, please stop!

Noah! Whoa, man!

Todd.Oh, my God.

Todd.

Shut up, and step away from the van!

Are you an eighties movie bully, Todd?

Bad vibes, man.

No...

I am.

Oh, my God.

What the hell, dude?

Jeez.

All right, listen up.

Anyone who wants to live, come with me.

Aw, crap!How the hell?

Can we go? It smells in there.

Gary?

Sorry, guys. I think Survivorman

would stick with the armored vehicle.

Claire, it was really good to see you.

you know.

Wait.

Here, Dennis.

Thanks.Claire!

Claire, babe.

Fuck it. Give me a beer.

Yeah, we should have taken those out.

Totally not safe.

Then I said,

And I said,

Ugh, stop it.

Slow! Slow up!

You see him?!Yeah! Yeah! Okay.

Towards the creek.

We see you, asshole!

Do guns just fire all the time?

Give me your gun!

W-What if you drop it?

Give me the gun!

No! No! Give me the gun!

I will shoot you in the face!

All right. Okay.

Okay, you simpletons.

Boosh!Hey,

Now tell us where Jake is.

Oh, you beautiful fools.

Dude, parking brake?

I--I--

Come on. This way.

You guys okay?

What the hell happened?!

Oh, God.

Look, m-maybe we should find the others.

No. We got him on the ropes.

You know, this is getting pretty Silent Hill!

Yeah!

Dude, maybe we should just pull over, you know?

Huddle up. Uh, fourth and 40.

Aw, come on, Ricky.

You know what I always say.

Seat belts are for pu--

Was that the second car crash,

or am I just losing a lot of blood?

Oh, my God!

Are you okay? What happened?

Come on, Dennis.

if I pass out, will you carry me?

Of course. Of course.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Mmm, sleep.

No, no! Sleep is death! Come on.

Mmm, death.No, no! Dennis.

Dennis, if you open your eyes,

you can touch my boob again.

Stop.

I hate that fucking music.

What are we gonna do?

Why are you doing this?!

I built a house in Mexico!

Okay, take Dennis.

When he comes around...

Shit.

You just shoot off-screen.

There was one still in the chamber.

I am so sorry.

What are we gonna do?

Run like hell.

No, wait.

What?

No. Dennis, we are not doing that.

What are you talking about?

Help me up.Okay.

At my funeral,

tell everyone I was awesome.

Noah, no. No.

Hey, you.

Abandoning their own.

Typical vermin.

Really? The way I see it,

So I come to kill you,

and your friends shoot me.

Is that the plan?

Are you actually betting your survival

on me not having seen the velociraptor part of Jurassic Park?

Something like that.

Pathetic.

I sure hope so.

Boosh! Yaah!

We knew each other our whole lives,

and I was proud to call him my best friend and much, much more.

Um, I know that in the years to come,

as the sweetest of my life.

He was an awesome person,

Thank you.

Nice speech.

He would have liked it.

Yeah.

I just wish Ricky could have given it.

Hope I did it justice.

Two funerals in one week.

This is far from over.

Y-You said it, man.

This was his last kill.

Figured he would want to have it.

Claire, I, uh--

I know you only went out with him for a short time,

Thank you.

You--You guys are all his friends?

Associates.

Yes, sir.

Well, any friend of--

any friend of my son is a friend of mine.

He was, uh--

He really loved that cabin.

Little cabin boy in that cabin.

First mate all the way.

All hands on deck.

Wow.

Yeah. Thanks.

I really gotta go to the bathroom.

You just went, like, 10 minutes ago.

Yeah, a blade went through my body, dude.

Back in 10.

So how-- how are you, um--

how are you holding up?

Eww! Noah!

Um, I got you this a while ago.

I do.

It was an angel,

uh, but then it broke.

when it--

Thanks.

Listen, Noah.

To college. No...

I know, um,

uh, to help Dennis.

Ahh! Noah! Noah!

My parents said it would be cool.

Eww! Noah!

I should probably get to that.

Um...

Yes, Noah, do it. Go.

Noah!

Todd was a really good boyfriend.

And I just wanted to, um--I guess, uh,

sing a little bit of a song

that I wrote for this occasion.

Um, and it goes like this...

my nickname for my son was Toddpole.

Yeah, he was my little Toddpole,

my little frog legs,

and I was the big daddy frog

in the pond we call life.

He was really attractive.

And some people think

but not long enough to kill...

all of the yogurt.

I really just wanted to get all of you in a room together.

Um, I left some of my gloves at the party,

and if anyone at all saw them...

A frog on the side of the road

with my tongue hanging out agog.

I think Todd did have some redeeming qualities,

um, but also--

You guys remember?

He tried to kill me point-blank.

All right.

Yeah. My band.

It stinks in here.